Episode 03 - The New Kids On The Block

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Kings Of The Desert
Season: 01
Episode: 03
Written by: Mark Davison
Produced by: Moonstone Productions
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AGE RATING: 15+
CONTAINS: STRONG LANGUAGE
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Ant: Maxey… Wakey, wakey…
Max: Leave me alone Sophia… I can’t concentrate…
Ant: (Nudges Max)
Max: Nyeh… You can go away too Heather, I’ve told you more than enough times.
Ant: (Sigh)




Gary: Now everybody, we’re going to make a chocolate and orange fondant.
Contestant #1: Erm…
Gary: You err… DO know how to make one right?
Contestant #1: Well… no, not really.
Contestant #2: It ain’t so hard… Alright, I’ve never even heard of a fondant.
Gary: Please tell me you guys are kidding.
Contestant #2: Haha yeah of course…
Gary: …
Contestant #2: … Ok, I’m not kidding.
Gary: You’re both f***ing useless y’know that!? Why do you two keep coming onto this show when you know f*** all about cooking!? That’s f***ing it!-I’ve had it with all you t***ers, you can all p*** off and die you c***s!



Max: Ah! Ah! Alright, I’m up! Stop calling me all o’them horrible names!
Ant: That weren’t me. T’were our ol’ buddy Mr Gary Roland.
Max: You know how much I hate that show.
Ant: Exactly. But it still got you awake. Anyway, get a bloody move on will ya’? The first races of the season are today an’ I’m well psyched for it!
Max: Ok, ok. Give me a moment-I’ll go get dressed.
Ant: ‘The hell you doin’ on the snooze to start with? I’ve been tryin’ to call ya’ for about an hour.
Max: I already told you last week I ain’t got no phone.
Ant: … Then who the hell am I always buggin’?





Ant: It’ll be good to get back out on the dust again… Albeit stuck down here, no offense.
Max: None taken, I guess. I think I’m meant to be the second race today… When do you start?
Ant: Last of the day. I’ve been made to be saved for last seein’ as they apparently made a big deal of me returnin’. Though they’ve been hyped for me in a good way, i.e. they’re gonna’ root for me to climb back up as opposed to takin’ the piss, as I was expectin’.



Ant: Oh shit.
Max: Who’s that?



Ant: Give it a minute, you’ll be able to work it out.



Chrissie: Well thanks for picking me up. And thanks also for letting me know the race was on today. I wouldn’t have known if Meg didn’t come over earlier for her weekly getting-on-my-nerves phase.
Ant: Alright, I’m gonna’ stop you there. One: I’ve been goin’ on ‘bout the races all week, not my fault ya’ don’t always listen. An’ two: Yeah I’m sorry I forgot to pick you up, but it was gettin’ on an’… Max took too damn long to get ready so it were his fault.
Max: What?
Ant: He were fast asleep when I walked in, then he took longer to get ready than you do.
Max: Hey, my hair takes a while to get sorted in the mornin’.
Ant: Then get a haircut. Besides, it looks exactly the same as it did earlier.
Max: Um, well…
Ant: Anyway Chrissie, didn’t realise ya’ cared so much. After last season, I know the true extent of how much you’re against all this racin’, so why’d ya’ wanna’ be here?
Chrissie: It’s not the racing that bothers me. It’s this particular racing-I just don’t want to see you getting hurt.



Meg: In other words, she don’t want ya’ to be who ya’ are.
Ant: Y’know, I was just thinkin’ th- MEG!
Meg: ANT!



Max: Hey Meg.
Chrissie: … Megan.



Meg: Y’all gonna’ go back to the top ‘gain, right? PLEASE promise me ya’ are!
Ant: I will. I promise you. An’ I don’t go breakin’ my promises to ya’ now do I?
Chrissie: Pfff…
Meg: Max, you’re up soon. Right after-
(Crash)
Meg: … That guy.



Miles: Gently does it.
Keith: Argh, you son of a BITCH!



Miles: Whey hey. Easy.



Keith: That little tosser nearly had me killed!
Robert: There ain’t no rules pal, these fellas can pretty much do whatever they like.
Keith: Bullshit!
Robert: Motor still runnin’?
Keith: Yeah… Barely, but good enough.
Robert: Well be thankful for that much then-there’s always next time. Otherwise, it’d have been game over for you. Anyway, guess that means I’m on now.



Meg: Guess that means you’re on now.
Ant: Good luck buddy.
Max: Thanks. You too.
Ant: I don’t need it but many thanks all the same.



Miles: Hey.
Max: Hey.
Ant: Areet.
Miles: I… beg your pardon?
Max: Don’t worry-he’s Denevian.
Miles: Ah.
Ant: Yeah… Wait, what?
Miles: I’m sorry to hear that.
Ant: No problem… Huh?
Max: I’m Max.
Miles: Max…?
Max: Max Cooper.
Miles: Miles Hoffman.
Ant: Antony Willis.
Chrissie: Ahem.
Ant: …
Chrissie: (Pulls an innocent, angelic smile)
Ant: … Christine Hart.
Chrissie: How d’you do.
Meg: Megan Wheatfield.
Max: Well I better head on out there… who’m I up against anyway?
Meg: Erm… I can only see two of the peeps from here… That guy with the Lelion over there, an’ the girl by the building.
Ant: A girl?



Alan: A GIRL on the dust!? Now I’ve seen it all!
Wes: She not got anything to say?… She’s shy, her.
Alan: An’ she won’t get far in them there high heels neither.



Wes: Now where’s she going?
Eliza: Left my glasses inside.
Alan: She has drivin’ glasses n’all? Oh, this just gets better an’ better!



Tim: Right, so y’know what you gotta’ do?
Mikey: Erm… I… think so… No, I don’t.
Tim: Has explaining it in detail with books and videos about twenty times still not helped?
Mikey: Not really.
Tim: I‘m not asking you to make a fricken’ car!… ’Cause knowing you, it’d make the Thalassa look as well built as the Faunton. Right, this is the last time I’m gonna’ explain it, so pay attention this time…



Max: Seems he has ties with that Tim.
Ant: Like I’m arsed ‘bout that? I’ve seen the kid in action. He don’t know the diff’ between an Oleg an’ a Hunka. An’ he can’t drive for toffee neither. He ain’t anythin’ to worry ‘bout. As for the chick, I haven’t seen her drive, but the women are a rare breed out here, an’ they often can handle themselves behind the wheel so keep your eye on her.
Max: Will do. Ant, will you walk with me for a sec? Could use a quick one-oh-one ‘n’ a few pointers.
Ant: Was that a euphemism?
Max: Oh shut up.
Ant: Sorry chum. A’ight, no bother.



Miles: So… Y’all Desert Kings too?
Chrissie: Nope. I’m supposed to be Ant’s girlfriend but… well, let’s just say Meg here may as well be.
Meg: He’d be better off if he were. You don’t give a care ‘bout ‘im an’ ya’ always want ‘im to be someone he ain’t.
Chrissie: I DO care about him, unlike yourself. That’s why I don’t like him out here, in case he gets hurt.
Meg: Pfff like hell is that the truth… I never could see what he sees in ya’. Especially with your attitude these days, lil’ missy.
Miles: Oh boy…



Max: So, take it away.
Ant: Alright, so it breaks down like this: you’ll get four racers on the track at the same time. Ya’ do two laps in a no-rules race. Whatever position ya’ end in, ya’ get a certain amount of points for it. Get enough points then ya’ get to enter the showdown day at the end of the season. Showdown days have ten races, you’ll be in ONE of them races, win that race an’ ya’ get to be in the next rank the followin’ season. Ya’ get the Hatchback, Sedan, Sports and Rally Spec classes, an’ they all have two ranks-standard an’ modified.
Max: Riiight… Well, I didn’t understand a thing there. Give me somethin’ I can make use of?



Ant: Well I don’t know how many points ya’ need to go up, or how many ya’ get for a position-I just know how it works. All I do is keep racin’ ‘till someone says I’ve done enough.
Max: Ok… So what can you tell me ‘bout the track itself?
Ant: Thought ya’ said you’ve done racin’ before?
Max: I have, but not on this very track.



Ant: It ain’t hard-same drill as it always is.
Max: Just don’t wanna’ make a moron of myself first time out there.



Ant: Look, just stick to your own drivin’ style, don’t do anythin’ other than your best… an’ try not to scratch the paint. That always helps.
Max: It helps about as much as your little tutorial… Well, I learnt nothin’, guess I may as well just go out ‘n’ see how I do.
Ant: Go get ‘em.



Mikey: I did it! I did what you asked me to!
Tim: ‘Bout time. Now get outta’ here, stop makin’ us look suspicious!
Mikey: Rightio! Don’t worry-I’ll blow this course WIDE open!



Tim: Oh I’m not worried about that. You drive so badly, there isn’t a doubt in my mind you’ll blow the course open… See how many people you kill in the process… (Whispers) why DID I agree to coach him?



Alan: Haha! This’ll be fun. Hey baby, what the hell ya’ doin’ behind the wheel?
Eliza: You’ll see.
Alan: Y’hear that Wes? “You’ll see”! Hahahahaha!



Meg: That’s the real reason he moved out into his own place.
Chrissie: Like I’m going to believe you.
Meg: Y’should, he tells me a lot more than he tells you. Surprised he’s held onto ya’ as long as he has. Must really love ya’… Or just hasn’t realised the time he’s wastin’.
Chrissie: Why you-!
Miles: What have I gotten myself into?



Meg: Oh, time to start the race.
Chrissie: You aren’t getting away from me that easily.
Miles: Maybe not, but I am.



Max: I can do this… I’m gonna’ do this…



Ant: Talkin’ to yourself ain’t gonna’ do any good neither.
Max: Sorry.



Meg: Kings! Are you ready?



Meg: Three...



Meg: Two...



Meg: One...



Meg: Go!




Chrissie: I never said we were done here.



Eliza: Move over, boys.
Mikey: Now, is THIS pedal the brake?…



Max: Nice ‘n’ smooth… Hey!
Eliza: Out in front easily.
Mikey: Or is it THIS pedal?… Oh no!




Robert: Aw hell.
Eliza: Wooh! Never expected this to be so fun!
Mikey: That… MAY’ve been a mistake.



Tim: Should never have agreed to helpin’ that kid.
Ant: Nah, ya’ shouldn’t.
Miles: Does he even have a driving license?
Tim: Ya’ don’t need one out here. Ya’ just gotta’ be eighteen.
Miles: And is he?
Tim: … His eighteenth was yesterday.
Ant: Haha!
Tim: Don’t laugh-he has time to learn.
Ant: Ya’ really think he’s gonna’ learn?
Tim: … No.



Max: Sorry about that sweetheart.
Eliza: Ow!
Robert: C’mon man, ‘least be a gentleman to the girl.



Max: What the hell are you doing Ant?
Ant: You’re startin’ to leak oil, take ‘er easy!… -ish!



Tim: Haha!
Ant: Don’t laugh-he has time to make it across the line.
Tim: Ya’ really think he’s gonna’ finish?
Ant: …No.
Director: Erm, guys... The wall of the cabin's collapsed a bit... Again.
Ant: Shit... Just keep filmin', an' repair the wall when no one's lookin'. No one'll notice...



Eliza: What in the name-?
Max: Uh-oh, that ain’t good.



Max: Shit, now the brakes are out!



Mikey: Oh right! I understand the pedals now! I’ll be back on track in just a moment… yaaaaaaaay.



Max: Aw fuck.
Mikey: Agh nooooooooooooo!
Eliza: And you call us girls for being bad drivers.



Ant and Tim: …
Miles: Erm… this chick seriously gonna’ win?



Eliza: Last corner.
Robert: Nah, not a chance-just can’t turn tight enough.



Eliza: Yay!… Wow, that was really fun… Hehe.
Robert: Oh well… I suppose second place to lady luck ain’t half bad.



Max: I’m sorry Ant.
Mikey: Sorry Tim.
Tim: Damn right you’re sorry! I may be rich but it doesn’t mean I don’t mind having to constantly pay to fix that car of yours!
Ant: Well Max, this is what happens when ya’ scratch the paint. However, in the wager wars between me an’ Walker, I’d say by fair judgement, that I won this round.
Max: What? You two have been bettin’ on us!?
Ant: Damn straight! An’ ya’ did a much better job than Mikey did so Mr Walker-my money please?
Tim: Fine, here! Michael, let’s go. I need to have a little chat with you.



Mikey: (Groans)
Ant: … I hope that wasn’t a euphemism.
Chrissie: Hehe.
Ant: Glad I can still make ya’ smile with that, no matter how pissed ya’ are at me.
Chrissie: I’m sorry about earlier.
Ant: Don’t be sorry Cupcake. C’mon, let’s go back home for a bit.
Max: Wait, what about your race?
Ant: There’s time for that. I’ll be back.
Max: What about my car???
Ant: Give Teddy a call-he can fix ‘er up. Don’t act like ya’ can’t get home-it’s just five bloody minutes down the road. Gee, you’d think I gotta’ do everythin’ for ya’!



Max: (Sigh) What a crappy day.
Miles: Hey. Congrats on the race there.
Eliza: Why thank you.
Miles: Erm… I’m Miles… And this is Max.
Max: (Deep sigh)
Eliza: I’m Elizabeth… but you can call me Eliza… What’s wrong with him?
Miles: Ah just ignore him, he’s being a sulky bastard right now. You were certainly… impressive out there Eliza. You sure got a lot of attention, made an impression on all of us.



Eliza: Hehe, yep, I can see that.



Alan: What the hell just happened!?
Wes: That ain’t no ordinary chick…
Alan: Not fuckin’ kiddin’!
Wes: Hey Al! Watch your language! Especially when it wasn’t necessary to be that strong.
Alan: But this is so screwed up! What the FU-… is Alterra comin’ to!?
Wes: … I think I’m in love.
Alan: DAMN IT WESLEY!



Keith: Nice run.
Robert: Thanks my man.
Keith: Yeah…
Robert: … Jealous?
Keith: Pfff, why would I be jealous? You lost to a girl!
Robert: Touché Woody.
Keith: And stop calling me Woody will ya’? I hate it!
Robert: You gave yourself that nickname.
Keith: Only ‘cause you have to have a stupid nickname to be a Desert King.
Robert: You’re quite a whiny little bitch today aren’t you?
Keith: Rrrr…
Robert: Quit whinging Woody, just ‘cause some fella took you out don’t mean you gotta’ be like THIS. Wait ‘till next time, you’ll get your revenge.
Keith: I bloody hope so.
Robert: Cheer the hell up will ya’!?



Meg: Where’s Ant?
Max: Him ‘n’ Chrissie went. Said he’d come back for the race later.
Meg: Damn.
Max: What’s the deal with you two anyway?
Meg: She’s just an overly-proud lil’ princess who, in Ant’s eyes, can do no wrong. He’s way better than her.
Max: I meant Ant, not Chrissie.
Meg: Oh…
Max: Yeah…
Meg: We’re just friends.
Max: Uh-huh.
Meg: … BEST friends.
Max: Of course.
Meg: I’m like his number one fan!
Max: That’s what Ant said.
Meg: So it’s clearly the truth.
Max: Actually, I was thinking it was the opposite.
Meg: Nyeh… Must dash.



Max: … Fair play.



Rico: So, I heard that the Sigfrid couldn’t be saved?
Sammy: Nope. Dead forever. Eternally burnt ‘n’ left in a pile of ashes… Tragic, simply tragic.
Rico: Yeeeeaaaahhh… I’ll pretend I believe you. Anyway, me and the Cap have had a discussion and we decided you deserve an upgrade.
Sammy: Wow! Really!?
Rico: Oh yeah. Come on-it’s just outside.



Rico: I think you’re really gonna’ like it.
Sammy: Sweet! What is it? An Excalibur GTE? A Baron P-Line? An AVALON GTE? OHOHOH a 354 Campoverde??? Tell me PLEEEEAAAASE tell me!
Rico: Just be patient ol’ buddy, she’s right outside.



Rico: Here she is!



Sammy: … Oh screw you guys.



Max: (Sigh)
(Phone rings)
Max: Go away whoever it is!
(Phone continues to ring)
Max: I said go away!!!
(Answering machine switches on)
Ant: Max? It’s me… Ya’ there? Max? Maxwell? Ol’ Maxey-boy? Pick up!
Max: (Snarls)
Ant: I know you’re in there… I can hear ya’ breathin’.



Max: What is it!?
Ant: Whey hey! I knew ya’ were in! Oh an’ erm… I couldn’t really hear ya’ breathin’, just wondered if it would make ya’ answer your phone… I see you’ve gotten one now anyway.
Max: I was hoping you wouldn’t have found out ‘n’ I wouldn’t constantly be getting called by you.
Ant: Now that was uncalled for… Haha, get it?
Max: Argh, I see why Tim hates your irony.
Ant: Oi! What did I do?
Max: Abandoned me at the track with a wrecked car, that’s what you did.
Ant: Teddy got it workin’ again didn’t ‘e?
Max: Well, yeah, but… that’s not the point!
Ant: I set ya’ up with ‘im. If it weren’t for me, ya’ wouldn’t have a car let alone a wrecked one.
Max: … I suppose.
Ant: Face it-we’re like brothers, dude.
Max: If you say so.
Ant: Indeed I do. So anyway, listen, just wanted to say my race went really well… I overestimated the new kids on the block if I’m honest. THAT disappointed me greatly.
Max: I sympathise with you on that, I’m sure.
Ant: Damn straight. Just wanted to make sure ya’ were alright for next week, aye?
Max: … Aye?
Ant: Good on ya’! … Seriously though, stop with the Denevian speak-get your own accent.
Chrissie: Honey, are you going to be much longer?
Ant: I’m just comin’ Cookie… I better go dude, don’t want to keep her waitin’, know what I’m sayin’?
Max: Yeah, thanks for rubbin’ your lovey-dovey relationship in my face.
Ant: You’re welcome! Happy to do it anytime!… Look, if you really want a bird then stop chasin’ the wrong skirts. An’ I mean them that are already bein’ chased.
Max: Y’mean Meg dontcha’?
Ant: W… Wha-?… If I’ve told ya’ once, I’ve told ya’ a hundred times-we’re just mates! Chrissie’s my one an’ only.
Max: Sure.
Ant: I was referrin’ to wor Billie. I know she’s sweet an’ has her priorities in the perfect order, but even a girl like her will be difficult to win over when you’re competin’ against Timothy’s wallet.
Max: You’re full of sunshine ‘n’ rainbows today aren’t ya’?
Ant: Just like life my friend, just like life.
Chrissie: Ahem.
Ant: Damn it. Sorry to keep you waitin’ Cupcake, I’m comin’ right now.
(Phone hangs up)
Max: … Bye then.



Max: Boy, I am pretty bored though…



Max: ……… But what the hell am I supposed to do?