Episode 06 - A History Of The Past

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Kings Of The Desert
Season: 01
Episode: 06
Written by: Mark Davison
Produced by: Moonstone Productions
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AGE RATING: 15+
CONTAINS: STRONG(ER THAN USUAL) LANGUAGE, STRONG VIOLENCE
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Voice #1: Hey, Cooper! Wake up already!
Voice #2: Urgh… What is it Walker?
Voice #1: Bad news.
Voice #2: (Sigh) Surprise, surprise… what this time?
Voice #1: Had the guys in the mine this morning… there’s nothing left.
Voice #2: WHAT!?… Y’mean, no oil? No coal?… WE GOT NOTHIN’ AT ALL!?
Voice #1: Keep your voice down! Not everyone knows yet, but yeah.
Voice #2: What we gonna’ do Ernie? I mean, our jobs, our homes, what’s gonna’ happen? Can’t leave my family in the gutter like that.
Voice #1: Hey, I have a family too y’know. I’m not sure… We’re gonna’ just have to pack up and move out and hope we get by easily.
Voice #2: Guess I better pack my bags ‘n’ move out as soon as, if I’ve been down them mines for the last time. So what do ya’ think’s gonna’ happen to the town after we leave?
Voice #1: Who knows? Only time will tell I guess…
(Door opens and closes)
Voice #1: (Sigh)… He’s lucky he doesn’t know the truth. Now, I’m the only one they’ll be after. As long as I never return to this place again, everything will be ok…





Miles: The Wasteland. Original name unknown. Exact location… Not exactly known either. The place used to be a haven for coal ‘n’ oil, it’s what made the town popular, ‘n’ half-industrial. People always came ‘n’ went but the town was renowned for what it had: the wild nights, friendly community, unique atmosphere…



Miles: And them… “special occasions” …



Miles: The town had been founded in 1908, ‘n’ was one of the most popular towns in southern UMC… up until 1970...



Miles: Everything that made the town become what it did, just sorta died. They didn’t have their own coal ’n’ oil anymore, ‘n’ the prices they had to pay to get access elsewhere didn’t balance out with the income they got from other business in the town. The people who lived there were out of their jobs, ‘n’ so everyone had no choice but to pack up ‘n’ leave. The town was taken off the map, ‘n’ forgotten. Some people wish they could go back, but forgot where it was. Others… they had their reasons for stayin’ away forever. For years, no one was within a hundred miles of the place, ‘n’ the town deteriorated to almost nothin’…



Miles: Then, eleven years after its abandonment…



Dixie: What the hell is this?
Archie: A town?
Vince: A dump.
Ken: An OPPORTUNITY… A GOLDEN one at that!
Archie: How’d ya’ figure that?
Ken: Think ‘bout it, we been lookin’ for a place to start our own town, right? We want our own laws, an’ our own rules.
Dixie: An’ we wanna’ race!
Ken: (Sigh) Yes Dixon, you want to race as well…
Vince: Pathetic idea if you ask me, but oh well.
Ken: So there ya’ go-this is the perfect grounds to do such a thing. So what ya’ guys think?
Miles: This is, as Ant ironically put, a history of the past. The tale of the “Four Founders”. These are the four people… ‘n’ their followers, who revived The Wasteland to what it is today. These are the original Kings Of The Desert…



Miles: Kenneth “Ken” Warrington.



Miles: Vincent “Vince” DeLoria.



Miles: Archibald “Archie” Bates.



Miles: And Dixon “Dixie” Larter.



Ernie: This town… it… no, it can’t be!
Dixie: S’up Ernie?
Ken: … Ernest?
Ernie: I… Nevermind. Just worried about the kids, I guess.
Vince: Pff, brats ain’t worth worryin’ about.
Archie: Erm… Dontcha’ have your own kids, Vince?
Vince: Sure. But I’m far enough away from Azaria to worry about ‘em.
Dixie: Doesn’t mean ya’ can forget about them.
Ernie: Well, my son and daughter are both in Sarbodia right now but I’m still concerned for them.
Vince: Azaria, Sarbodia… (Talks quietly) How are we supposed to have all met by the way?



Ken: Erm… Script doesn’t say.
Vince: (Sigh) Perfect.
Ant: I’m sorry!?
Ken: Yes! That’s perfect! This is the perfect canvas for our project chaps! Let’s ‘ave at it!



Ernie: But… this town… we can’t… (Sigh) Why me?



Ernie: Vincent?
Vince: Ernest…
Ernie: This town… we… we just can’t stay here.
Vince: Oh not this again. Look, I’ll tell ya’ this the last time-you got a problem, you talk to Kenneth.
Ernie: No… no, if anyone’ll hear me out and understand, it’d be you.
Vince: … (Sigh) I’m listenin’.
Ernie: You see… it was about eleven years ago now… I used to work at the old industry that was here.
Vince: … Riiight?
Ernie: Well, the company that ran this place, my employers… They owned the town, they still strictly speaking do even now.
Vince: … Ok.
Ernie: As well as these mines and refineries, they had this research lab many miles up the road from here… And the miners who worked here…
Vince: Will you get to the point please?
Ernie: Well… When everyone was leaving the town for good, a few of them found something out… something that I know… everyone that knew this… the company took them-



Ken: Chaps.
Vince: Ah, Kenneth. I think Ernest here wanted to have a word with you. I’ll be on my way now.
Ken: Somethin’ you wanted to discuss Ernie?
Ernie: Err… y’know what, nevermind… it’s not important, forget it.



Ken: Hey! C’mon, what is it? Tell me!
Ernie: It’s not just the miners either… The whole town… For all I know, they still watch…



Ken: … I think he knows…



Ken: Oh Ernest, and I thought I liked you as well… Too bad, needs must.



Dixie: Guys! Guys! Wake up! Everybody! Wake up!



Vince: (Groans) Are you KIDDIN’ me Dixon!?
Archie: What’s the problem Dixie?
Dixie: It’s Ernie-he’s missing!
Archie: Missing? How?
Dixie: He went off for a wander last night but he never came back… left all his stuff and everything!
Archie: Ah shit… Ken? Ken, ya’ here?
Vince: (Quietly) Ernest… What you said…
Archie: What was that Vince?
Vince: Huh? Oh nothin’.



Ken: (Sings) Then I hit ‘im on the head with a garden spade. In a pool of his blood, there he laid…
Dixie: Kenny!
Ken: (Quietly) Aw hell didn’t think you’d be awake at this time… Mornin’ chums! How’s it hangin’?
Vince: Where’ve you been, Kenneth?
Ken: Oh, you know… Was gettin’ impatient with buildin’ The Wasteland, as our town shall now be known, so I decided to do an enormous amount of work throughout the night.
Archie: How come we never heard a thing?
Ken: ‘Cause I never got past the drawin’ board alright!? But I am SICK ‘n’ TIRED of waitin’ FOREVER to get this town started!
Archie: … We only found the town yesterday afternoon.
Ken: …… That’s not the point!… ANYWAY, y’all never guess what I’ve plans for. C’mon, I’ll show ya’ what I got!



Dixie: Wow… he seems… jolly?
Archie: I’ll say…
Vince: I don’t like this one bit.
Dixie: Huh? Ol’ Vinnie finally have a non-indiff’rent view on somethin’?
Archie: What is it?
Vince: (Sigh)… This stays just between the three of us for now, alright?



Ken: Ernie!
Ernie: Ah!… Oh, Kenneth… You frightened me.
Ken: Haha! Oh, I apologize ‘bout that.
Ernie: It’s ok… What’s up?
Ken: I was just WONDERIN’ what err… was on your mind earlier. Spot o’trouble?
Ernie: Oh, that… Really, it’s ok.
Ken: Oh c’mon now, be fun for a change. Tell me.
Ernie: Erm… “Fun”?
Ken: Yes, fun.
Ernie: Erm… What are you doing with a spade?
Ken: Huh? Oh, this? Was gonna’ use it to mark out a few plots of land for things I had in mind of buildin’.
Ernie: Oh… ok.
Ken: So, this problem of ours… Don’t suppose it involves this town does it?
Ernie: Well…
Ken: Or a mine?
Ernie: What!?
Ken: What?
Ernie: … How did you know THAT?
Ken: I know many things Ernest, many things.
Ernie: …
(Metallic hitting sound)
Ken: Oh I’m sorry about that Ernest, did I get you a little bit?… Might wanna’ get that cleaned up…



Ken: Everythin’s comin’ ‘long quite smoothly I reckon. Bravo, chaps, bravo.
Dixie: Yeah, don’t sweat it… Phew, little tired though.
Ken: Oh, take a break Dixon, please. I can’t thank you enough for all the work you’ve put in. Love the renovations ya’ did to that old diner especially.
Dixie: Aw thanks Kenny, that means a lot.
Ken: No problem ol’ buddy.



Vince: Pff…
Archie: Am I missing something Vince?
Vince: You’re all missing something if you ask me. It mighta’ been a month already, but has everyone forgotten about Ernest?
Archie: So he ran off, went back to his family. What’s the big deal?
Vince: After what I said?
Archie: Ya’ gotta’ admit Ernie was always a bit of a whack-job, think he was just pullin’ your chain to be honest.
Vince: …
Archie: You’ve changed… Surprisingly, not in a good way. I actually PREFERRED you as an indifferent, miserable, selfish guy.
Vince: … Al-right. If Kenneth comes into your house in the middle of the night wanting to have your limbs taken off then don’t ask me to help… At least, not help YOU. I’ll give Kenneth a sharper blade to cut your balls off.
Archie: Woah! Graphic!…
Vince: …
Archie: THAT’S the Vinnie I love! You almost had me convinced you were being serious!
Vince: Rrrr… Y’know, you’re a lot like Dixon these days.
Archie: WHAT???
Vince: Ha, I’ll see ya’ later!



Ken: Alright, so…
Follower #1: Ken! I’ve gotten the towers working!
Ken: Oh WOW really!?
Follower #1: Pff, easy as cake.
Ken: Erm… Easy as PIE?
Follower #1: Sure, that too.
Ken: Alright then… Everybody! Gather ‘round!



Ken: So, its’ taken us a while, but we’ve done it! The Wasteland… is reborn.
(Everyone cheers)
Ken: Thanks to Jeff, we now have a basic communication system runnin’ from them radio towers over there. We’ve managed to get ourselves a phone signal to a distance of a whole sixteen miles from the town.
(Awkward silence from the crowd)
Ken: Hey, it’s not like we NEED it.
Follower #2: But the nearest town is sixty four miles away.
Follower #3: My girlfriend’s in that town.
Follower #4: You don’t have a girlfriend, you just saw a girl and she smiled at you. Now all of a sudden she’s your “girlfriend”?
Ken: Anyway, we also have ourselves two radio stations and five TV channels with signal strengths at a maximum of 74%.
(Awkward silence from the crowd again)
Ken: Again, it’s not that bad when ya’ think ‘bout it.
Follower #4: What’s the minimum?
Ken: So far, with testing, about 39%, which wasn’t watchable. But we haven’t fitted the signal booster yet, hoping to get an extra 10% out of it. Given where we are, ‘n’ considerin’ we have a crazy-ass climate ‘round here what with those chemicals ‘n’ stuff them old places over there used, I think that’s a fantastic result!
Follower #2: And amenities?
Ken: I was just getting to that. Thanks to Barry, we have a constant supply of hot water, gas and electricity at no charge at all! Considering we don’t pay taxes, given I confirmed this town isn’t on the map, oddly, I think that’s a solid deal. Dontcha’ think?
Follower #4: What’s the catch?
Ken: Erm… We siphon the stuff from Emerald City, the nearest town. But hey! A little outside-of-the-law livin’ never hurt nobody, right?
(Awkward silence for the third time)
Ken: … Forget it… Nonetheless, we’ve finished!
(Everyone cheers, somewhat slightly less enthusiastic as before)
Ken: Now it’s time for-
Dixie: RACING!
Ken: … Exactly.
(Everyone cheers)



Vince: (Sigh)
Archie: You should really cheer the hell up, you know.
Vince: Thought you preferred me this way?
Archie: Not too much though. If you really think Ken’s on to you, I’d say right now you’re making yourself look suspicious.
Vince: Look buddy, I know more about suspicion then you do. If he were after me, he’d be after you ‘n’ Dixon too just for the chances of you bein’ associates. So this conversation could also be bringin’ attention to yourself if you think about it. Now that I have you worried out of your skin, how about shuttin’ the fuck up ‘n’ leavin’ me alone, huh?
Archie: Fine, screw you then.
Ken: We’ve already got our tracks ready. Just need to get your own wheels by Friday then I’ll explain the rules we set…



Ken: Alright, so here goes: We’re callin’ ourselves the Kings Of The Desert.
Follower #1: Why?
Ken: … Just ‘cause we are.
Dixie: DESERT!
Ken: … Yes, ‘cause we’re in the desert. Thank you Dixon. Anyway, seeing as everyone’s gotten… many different cars… we’re gonna’ have to have different classes-hatchback, sedan, sports etc…
Dixie: Erm, I got my 720 fitted with a custom-made turbo… does that make a difference?
(Everyone sighs and complains)
Ken: Alright! Fine, we’ll have a standard, and a modified rank in each vehicle class, ok? (Quietly) Wow, the crowd’s hard to work with. Today however, we are going to determine who’s the King Of The Desert, and who are mere Desert Kings. Oh, and everyone needs a nickname, though most of us already have one-this’ll act as our alias that we go by and will be known as.
Archie: Erm…
Ken: Oh right, the King Of The Desert is the top driver, Desert Kings are individual racers.
Follower #3: I’m confused, I thought we were all Kings Of The Desert?
Ken: … That’s our collective term, yeah.
Follower #2: This makes no sense!
(Everyone complains and argues)
Ken: Fine! You know what, sod it! Let’s just all go out there an’ race for the top title an’ be reckless pricks about it then, ok?
(No response)
Vince: The rules, Kenneth, you haven’t explained the rules.
Ken: Fuck the rules! There aren’t any anymore, alright!?



Dixie: … I was hoping for something better than THIS.
Ken: Well, only us four could be bothered getting onto the track.
Archie: The others?
Ken: … Buggered off to the pub that Lenny built.
Archie: The Wildboar, you mean?
Ken: Whatever. So, y’all ready to battle it out?
Archie: Sure. Just one question though.
Ken: Name it.



Archie: Who’s starting the race off?
Ken: ………
Vince: Fuckssake just go!
Ken: Alright!




Dixie: Hey hold on a minute… I’ve never drove before!
Vince: You ARE kidding me Dixon, right?
Dixie: Oh… Engine’s blown.
Ken: Perfect start folks.



Archie: Oh wait, that’s tighter than I thought.



Archie: Oh come on!
Ken: Just me an’ you already Vinnie-Boy?
Vince: This’ll be interesting…



Ken: Oh you tosser!
Vince: I’m just gettin’ started.
Ken: Makin’ it personal Vinnie? Fine by me…



Ken: How’d ya’ like that?
Vince: Feeble attempt, Kenneth, feeble.



Ken: Out the way you moron!
Vince: Try this on for size…



Ken: Oh you little-!…
Vince: What? I’m only backin’ up out of your way after all.



Dixie: … Fancy some ice cream?
Archie: We actually have any?
Dixie: No.
Archie: Then why ask?
Dixie: I was just curious if you did… Thought it’d start a conversation.
Archie: Ok…
Dixie: Y’know what would be awesome!?
Archie: Having some ice cream?
Dixie: Yeah!
Archie: But we don’t.
Dixie: I know…
Archie: Then why ask?
Dixie: Thought it’d start a conversation.
Archie: Ok…
Dixie: Y’know what my favourite dessert is!?
Archie: I’m not going over all this again.
Dixie: Wrong! It’s ice cream! I thought you’d have known that!
Archie: …
Dixie: …
Archie: Ok…
Dixie: Y’know the BEST thing about ice cream!?
Archie: … I miss Ernest sometimes.
Dixie: Wrong again!
Archie: (Sigh)



Vince: Aw damn it… DIXON!
Dixie: Oops, yeah, sorry ‘bout that…
Ken: Pff hahahaha oh that’s a REAL shame.



Vince: Hang on a minute!… How many laps we doin’!?
Ken: Aw shit, never thought about that!… Two!
Vince: Fine by me.



Ken: I understand now…
Archie: What’s that?
Ken: Vincent.
Archie: What of him?
Ken: He knows.
Archie: Knows what?
Ken: … Archie! Oh shit I never realised you were there… Nevermind.
(Footsteps)
Ken: He’s known all along and I only know this NOW!?… I’m losin’ my touch. I’ll have to deal with him, but be more discrete than with Ernest… What’s more subtle than a spade though?
Archie: Dixon’s psyched for tomorrow’s racing by the way, but I’m sure you already know that. Even he doesn’t know what to expect.
Ken: … Perfect…



Ken: Now’s my chance…
Vince: Why’d he slow down so soon?



Vince: OW!
Ken: Silly prick had it comin’-not wearin’ his seatbelt as I noticed… Actually, neither am I… oh well.



Ken: Seeing as I was the only one to finish, guess that means I’m the rightful King Of The Desert.



Vince: What the FUCK you call that!?
Ken: Hm?
Dixie: Uh-oh, Vinnie-rage.
Vince: You tryin’ to get me killed!?
Ken: Perhaps.
Vince: What?
Ken: Ernest…
Vince: …
Ken: Heh, that’s what I thought.



Vince: Ugh.
Ken: (Quietly, and slightly psychotic) Guess if I’m gonna’ kill ya’ I can throw subtlety out the window.
Vince: Messin’ with me Kenneth? Really?
Dixie: (Whispers) Come to think of it, I should’ve built a funeral parlour…



Ken: Ow!
Vince: Told ya’.
Ken: … Come on then!






Archie: Erm… I think we’ve gave them enough time. Should we break them up?
Dixie: “Break them up”?… You mean they’re DATING!?
Archie: … You aren’t the quickest grain of sand in the desert are you?



Vince: You wanna’ kill me? Come ‘n’ try.





Ken: Agh!…



Vince: …
Ken: What ya’ standin’ there for? If you don’t finish me off I will.
Vince: You will?
Ken: Yeah!
Vince: But suicide is so cliché these days, Kenneth. Why bother?
Ken: I… That’s not what I meant! I meant I’ll finish YOU off!



Ken: Wh… Where are you goin’ now!?
Vince: I could easily, and happily, snap your neck right here right now… but I’m not a killer. Not yet anyway. So until I come back for your blood, I’m not sticking around here.
Ken: … You disappoint me Vincent.
Vince: Good thing I don’t aim to please you-my ambitions are much higher than that.
Ken: Pff ha! What ya’ gonna’ do?
Vince: You’ll see. Might not be as dramatic as you’d expect, but you can try to get your racing thing up off the ground and whatnot, but I could cruise through here with a crew of my own and slaughter the lot of ya’.
Ken: Yeah?
Vince: Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Ken: Oh.



Dixie: Kenny…
Ken: WHAT!?
Dixie: … Y’know what you need right now!?
Archie: Oh for the love of-!
Ken: What Dixon? Tell me, what do I need right now?
Dixie: Nah-ah-ah! Go on, guess!
Ken: (Sigh)… Vincent’s head on a stick?
Dixie: No! Ice cream!
Ken: …?
Dixie: Yeah!
Archie: Suicide doesn’t sound too bad right about now, actually.



Voice #1: Vincent. Looks like you’ve had it rough.
Vince: Was that supposed to be a euphemism?… Wait, it’s YOU?
Voice #1: Yes Vincent, it’s me.
Vince: But… HOW?
Voice #1: Sh! Time to explain all that later. For now, listen here closely…



Dixie: … We really should get a light or somethin’ put in here. We DO have the electricity now.
Archie: Yep…
Dixie: … Y’know what I’m thinking!?
Archie: Please don’t say ice cream.
Dixie: Yes!
Archie: Rrrr.
Dixie: Nah, I kid… I’m wondering though, what do you think this town’s gonna’ be like? Have we just started what will one day be a well-populated town? What are the future people living here gonna’ be like?
Archie: Hmm, I dunno… Hopefully they won’t all be morons like you.
Dixie: I heard that.
Archie: Wha-?
Dixie: Just kidding!… But yeah, I wonder what will become of this place and its people in the coming years… No necrophiliacs, I hope.
Archie: Um… random.
Dixie: Just an example of the sort of person I wouldn’t want here.
Archie: What kind of person DO you want here then?
Dixie: Someone like myself, really.
Archie: I think we’ve already had enough of people like you, Dixie…
Dixie: What about you?
Archie: … Hmmm…



Rico: We’re all gathered here today to pay our respects to a great officer. An officer who, was a popular sight in the Brentstone Bureau, and who many people loved. Especially, a great friend of Samson, whom I believe has something he’d like to say…




Sammy: Thank you Rico. I’m sure we’ll truly miss Eddie. He was loyal, smart, never failed at what he did, and he was the greatest partner I could have ever asked for… (Sobs)… I’ll never forget him.
Rico: (Whispers) Erm, Sammy… Who’s Eddie?



Sammy: Who do you THINK!?
(Everyone falls silent)
Sammy: … Eddie the Escudo! WHO ELSE!? Isn’t that who the funeral’s for in the first place!?
Rico: Yes, Sammy, of course… It’s just… We never really knew its… I mean HIS… name.
Sammy: WHAT!? All the time you worked with him and you never thought twice to remember what he was called!? Some friend you were to him!



Sammy: ALL OF YOU! If Eddie could hear this now, he’d turn his ignition in his grave!… This is NOT how I wanted today to go, even if it IS a funeral… (Sobs)



Rico: Don’t worry ladies and gentleman, I’ll sort this out. Sammy, how about you give an equally sweet eulogy to erm… Sigfrid the First?
Sammy: Are you kiddin’ me? That thing DESERVES to burn in hell! I’ll personally take it there ‘n’ prod at it with a pitchfork to get it through that gate!
Rico: There we go! Samson’s no longer sad.
Sammy: And now… Sigfrid the First’s funeral time… Let’s all go to the club!
Everyone: Yeah!
Rico: (Sigh) Can’t say no to the club I guess…



(Shower running)
Ant: … (Sigh) Ya’ gonna’ be much longer in that shower Max!?…… Maxwell!?… MAXEY-BOY!?
Max: (From upstairs) What did you say!?
Ant: I SAID ARE YA’-… Sod this.



Max: (From out of the window, singing… badly out of tune) But she said she was too good for him. And his hair certainly needed more than a trim! (Starts whistling, just as tunelessly)
Ant: I can’t stand his tone-deaf singin’ any longer.



Ant: Now… The boiler… Power switch… Off!
Max: La-de-da-de-da and- AH! Ohokthat’scoldthat’scoldthat’ssoverycoldpleasemakeitstopit’sjusttoocold!
Ant: Hehe, works every time.
Max: ANTONY!




Ant: Ah, Maxwell! Enjoy your shower?
Max: Very funny.
Ant: Well ya’ sure was takin’ your time… How clean ya’ expectin’ to get?
Max: I was takin’ care of my hair!
Ant: With reference to that song ya’ was singin’ terribly, might I suggest somethin’?
Max: What?
Ant: Get a haircut!
Max: … Are you readin’ that paper upside down?
Ant: … Damn it!



Miles: ‘N’ that… MOSTLY… was the story of how The Wasteland came about as to how it is today.
Tim: (Yawn) Interesting story Hoffman… Next week gonna’ ACTUALLY be any good? And not some crappy mandatory backbone-story-setting episode?
Miles: (Opens up the show’s schedule) … Hopefully, anyway.
Tim: Terrific, ‘cause this gig’s really boring me right now.
Ant: Don’t be such a bore!



Ken: Vincent may’ve left, but now the others are suspectin’ somethin’s up ‘n’ I got somethin’ to hide. Well I’m certainly gonna’ be kept busy. They know too much now, ‘n’ this is as far as they’re gonna’ get, just watch. Seems Ernest Walker wasn’t the only thing I needed taken care of after all…