Episode 07 - Pebble Spotting

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Kings Of The Desert
Season: 01
Episode: 07
Written by: Mark Davison
Produced by: Moonstone Productions
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AGE RATING: 15+
CONTAINS: STRONG LANGUAGE
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Ant: Maaaaaaaaxey… Wakey wakey… Rise ‘n’ shine?
Max: Nyeh… Damn it Sophia, I don’t think of ya’ that way! I mean, I know I’m always lookin’ at ya’ but that’s ‘cause ya’ tell me somethin’ bad’s gonna’ happen if I stop.
Ant: (Sigh)



Ant: Y’know how I hate doin’ this but… What the heck? I love doin’ it… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!



Max: Fuck! What the-!…
Ant: Oh I’m ever so sorry ‘bout that… did I wake you?
Max: …… How ‘bout I just forgive you ‘n’ go get ready?
Ant: Sounds just peachy. Knew you’d be asleep-ya’ didn’t answer your phone… As always!
Max: I’ve had it in my hand ‘n’ full ring volume, even I can’t sleep through it-I’ve tried. Sure you rang ME?
Ant: … Actually, I think I dialled the number I always used BEFORE you got a phone…
Max: I feel sorry for that poor sap.



(Water starts running)
Max: Ah, a nice shower is just what I nee-ohOWOWOWOWthat’ssofreakin’coldfortheloveofplumbbobit’scoooooooohohohohohoooooldANTONYDAMNITTURNMYBOILERBACKONRIGHTNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Ant: Whoops, sorry! I forgot I did that in the last episode…





Ant: I sincerely hope you do better than third this time ‘round Maxey-it was quite a poor showin’ last time ya’s were on the dust.
Max: You still won your bet with Tim.
Ant: Well… That’s not the point! Ya’ don’t wanna’ be crap do ya’?
Max: S’pose not. Besides, that was Mikey’s fault-he blocked the track ‘n’ backed out into me. But I’ll tell ya’ one thing-that Eliza chick sure can drive can’t she?
Ant: Oh yeah. She certainly looked good behind the wheel.
Max: Ahem.
Ant: What? Oh c’mon! You know I love Chrissie more than anythin’ in the whole of Alterra… But man if Chrissie could drive as good as Lizzie…



Chrissie: Well it’s a good thing I’m completely deaf so I can’t hear you.
Ant: Oh hey there Muffin. I’m sorry ‘bout that.
Chrissie: Na-ah, don’t bother asking for forgiveness. Unfortunately I’m also a mute so I can’t speak to you… Oh, good morning there Max, hope you’re well.



Max: Good morning Chrissie, yeah I’m go-… Why do the girls always walk off before I’m finished talkin’ with ‘em?
Ant: Hm, she’s started early… (Sigh) Anyway, I’m first up on the dust today, an’ it’s earlier than normal so I’m just gonna’ get ready an’ get it over with.
Max: Hey, I’m first up too.
Ant: Oh… Really? Hmm… Well, I know I told you to do better than third, but it seems second place is the best you’re gettin’ today. It’s everyone for themselves out there. You’re a pal, but out on the dust, I’ll take ya’ down all the same. Sorry buddy, it’s just the way it is.
Max: Don’t get cocky with me.
Ant: Can’t help it-it’s what I do.
Max: But… Surely I’m more than just a pal, right? “Face it-we’re like brothers, dude”-ring any bells?
Ant: Mmm nope.
Max: Well it should-you said it-the only person you listen to.
Ant: That is not true!
Max: Oh no?
Ant: No!
Max: …
Ant: … What did you say?
Max: (Sigh)
Ant: See ya’ out there ‘en.



Billie: Hi.
Max: Huh? Oh! E-err… mmm…hi.
Billie: What’s up? Did I scare ya’?
Max: Oh, no no nothin’ like that.
Billie: Is there something on my top?
Max: No, there’s nothin’ wrong with you…
Billie: Ah. Okie dokie then.
Max: … Yeah, so uhm… I’m Max.
Billie: I’m Billie.
Max: I err… really like your top in fact.
Billie: Aww thank you Max, that’s really nice of you.
Max: Heh… (Goes red)
Billie: Hehe.



Tim: Maxwell.
Max: T… Tim.
Tim: Not tryin’ to chat up my Bill here are ya’?
Billie: (Quietly) First Ant, then Leo, and now Tim calls me that darn name too.
Max: Yeah… N-n-no!… Erm… Whichever answer makes ya’ feel better.
Tim: Ha! You’ve been learnin’ from The Willis Institution Of Smart-Arse Remarks clearly. Good luck tryin’ to take down Willis himself anyway. Shouldn’t be a problem for you-I proved he’s just a talentless poser. You’ll see. C’mon Bill, let’s leave the amateur racer to it and we can go out some place nice.
Billie: Arr, ok then… Good luck Max. It was nice to talk to you. See you again soon.



Max: Thanks… Nice talkin’ to you too… ‘N’ don’t worry, I’m sure we will…



Meg: D’AWWW!
Max: Motherfu-!…
Meg: (Pulls a cheesy, guilty-looking smile)
Max: Nearly scared me half to death.
Meg: I guess I did well then.
Max: What are you doin’?
Meg: Aside from being pleased as punch about my lil’ achievement? Roundin’ y’all up for the race.
Max: Bit early ain’t it?
Meg: Thought Ant told ya’ we’s were startin’ early today.
Max: But why?
Meg: (Shrugs) I dunno!
Max: Alright then. But I ain’t finished with our conversation from a while ago.
Meg: An’ what was that?
Max: You and Ant…
Meg: (Sighs and pushes her hair back)
Max: There IS somethin’ more goin’ on between you two ain’t there?
Meg: I’ve no idea what you’re talkin’ bout.



Max: …
Meg: Hmm, that’s a pretty pebble.
Max: Do somethin’ with your hair?
Meg: Yeah! I put pink streaks in… ya’ like ‘em?
Max: Yeah… I’m sure Ant will love them too-you’ll have him all over you in seconds.
Meg: … He’s actually already seen ‘em, AND he gave me a very sweet comment on ‘em too. ‘Cause best friends are like that with one another.
Max: Ahem. Stop actin’ innocent ‘n’ tell me the truth. I could just as easily get it out of Ant y’know-he says we’re like brothers.
Meg: That’s bullshit an’ ya’ know it. I’m the only person he tells everythin’ to, no matter what. Sorry Maxey.
Max: (Quietly) Grrr Ant told you to call me that didn’t he?
Meg: A lil’ bit, yep.
Max: It’s pretty obvious you two are totally into each other though.
Meg: Heh, well, we’re best friends!
Max: That it?
Meg: Whaddya’ mean “that it?”!? He’s my favouritest person in the whole of Alterra! If ya’ implyin’ that we’re intimately involved then no, we ain’t… OK?
Max: Oh wow, you even use the same words that Ant made up.
Meg: Y-… Just… Whatever, a’ight? Just go get movin’ already! Ant says he’s ready to whop ya’ one.
Max: Was that a euphemism?
Meg: Ant won’t be happy to hear you usin’ ‘is catchphrase either.
Max: Same way you use his words?
Meg: Oh but he lets me though ‘cause he loves me.
Max: Aha! You admitted it!
Meg: As a FRIEND.
Max: Yeah, yeah.
Meg: Look, this conversation’s gonna’ be goin’ on until the eighth season for all I know so just get outta’ here will ya’?



Max: C’mon… I can do this. Imma whack that cocky smirk of Ant’s face!
Ant: Ha! Now that I’d pay to see. Do me a favour Cooper, spare me the effort of havin’ to wipe ya’ out on the dust an’ just forfeit. You’d save me… an’ yourself… an awful lot o’trouble.
Keith: Man, I hope these guys ain’t as annoyin’ as that Miles fella the last time I was out here.



Max: (Sigh) They said they was meant to be goin’ out some place… Do I HAVE to watch this torture?
Ant: Oi! Ya’ can gawp at ’er after the race. Don’t get yourself distracted over ‘er now, ‘least give me a challenge!



Meg: Kings! Are you ready?



Meg: Three…
Max: Ya’ want a distraction?
Meg: Two…
Ant: What?
Meg: One…
Max: I just stole your euphemism catchphrase!
Meg: Go!



Ant: WHAT!?
Keith: Dude! Get the hell outta’ my way, bro!
Max: Nyahhaha! EAT MY DUST WILLIS!



Ant: Eat your dust? Imma take that dust an’ shove it down your bloody thievin’ throat!
Max: Wow, you’ve sure shot off the line there Ant.
Keith: Goin’ for the lead…




Max: Oh n-agggh!
Keith: Keep cool Keith, keep cool…
Ant: Take that, thief.
Keith: Keep cool keep cool keep cool…
Max: Why am I always gettin’ put into the bloody wall!?



Keith: I’m cool… Oh I’m cool…… I’m not quite so cool.
Ant: That’s not cool.
Max: He ain’t so cool.




Keith: Ah bullshit! Not another useless prick drivin’ into me!
Ant: Evasive action!
Max: What… the hell are the pair of you doin’?



Ant: Heh, I always said the track needed “restylin’.”
Max: Uhm… Is that even allowed???
Keith: Aw man, we really should take advantage of the “no rules” more often.



Ant: Jus’ you an’ me now, Maxey-Boy.
Max: May the best King win.



Meg: GO ANT GO!
Tim: Pfff.
Meg: He promised me he’d climb back up to you one day.
Tim: And you believe him?
Billie: Yes.
Tim: I wasn’t asking you.
Billie: Sorry.
Tim: Just because you two are both good friends of his, doesn’t mean he never lies to you.
Meg: He’s never broke a promise to me in all the time I’ve known him.
Tim: What an achievement. And you’re sure you aren’t married yet?
Billie: Tim!
Meg: S’alright Bill, I can handle ‘im.
Billie: (Quietly) Rrrr, now Meg too.
Tim: Well?
Meg: Heh… Wouldn’t you like to know?
Tim: That’s why I asked.
Meg: …
Tim: You do wish you were though, don’t you? If everyone in The Wasteland knew only one thing, it’d be that much.
Meg: …



Meg: … Hmm, that’s a pretty pebble.
Tim: Oh, you with your bloody pebble-spotting again.
Meg: Ahem… Hey! Pay attention to the race an’ not me!
Tim: Pff, don’t flatter yourself honey-that’s Ant’s job.
Meg: Why you-!



Max: We’re neck-‘n’-neck!
Ant: I admire your persistence Maxwell… HOWEVER…



Max: Nooooooo!
Ant: I’m just not the admirable sort of chap.



Ant: Told ya’-second place is the best you’re gettin’ today.



Ant: I’ll admit ya’ had a good run. Sorry ‘bout that corner back there, but ya’ can’t say I didn’t play by the rules… Or, lack thereof.
Max: Nah it’s ok. I underestimated you.
Ant: An’ that is the number one rule with the Antster: Never underestimate ‘im! But don’t worry, ya’ got a lot to learn but ya’ sure are well above-part to begin with.



Robert: Well… In crash terms, you’ve certainly “improved” at making it more entertaining for us folk by the sidelines.
Keith: Shut it Rob! Next time, I ain’t goin’ easy on ‘em. Believe you me.
Robert: … I’ve been told you’re up against me next time. ‘Nough said, I’m already lookin’ forward to it.
Keith: … Oh, for the love of flyin’ fu-!



Meg: I am SO THRILLED!
Ant: Heh, always happy to see my number one fan. Gotta’ keep her pleased no matter what, right?
Max: Was that a euphemism?
Mikey: Well, it IS Meg.
Max: Yeah, probably was then.
Ant: What was that Max?
Max: Oh nevermind, it’s not important.
Ant: Yeah, that’s right. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re implyin’. An’ also don’t think I didn’t hear ya’ steal my phrase again ya’ little shit.
Meg: (Whispers) Mhmm… I hope it was, Max.
Ant: Huh? Did you say somethin’ Megs?
Meg: No…
Ant: … Alright then. You probably did say somethin’ but… for you, I’ll let it slide.
Meg: Phew.



Miles: Good race. Shame I weren’t involved.
Ant: Never ya’ worry mate, next time ya’ might well be.
Keith: Bloody better not be! You’re all fuckin’ maniacs!
Chrissie: Well done… I suppose.



Ant: Awww thank you Cupcake. Mmm I love you y’know.
Chrissie: Heh, sometimes I question if you do but… could you please let go?
Ant: Awww but you’re so cuddly! Besides, if I let go you won’t submit to my charm an’ forgive me for earlier.



Eliza: (Sigh) Guess I’m here too early… Mmm nothing to do but hang around like a spare part I guess.
Alan: Ee Wes look, it’s your babe!
Wes: Ssh! Keep it down!
Alan: Ha! Ya’ still have a thing for ‘er… Go on then! Chat ‘er up already!
Wes: No, I… I’d rather not…



Chrissie: Well, I see that Eliza’s over there now so I better go. I know Ant can only stand two of his three girlfriends in one place and I know fine well which two are his favourites so I’m just going to go home on my own instead.
Meg: Ha! Smart thinkin’, if I may say so.
Ant: Now THAT was really unfair… Chris… Chrissie! Wait up girl!…



Ant: C’mon sweetheart, at least let me drive you home?
Chrissie: I did come up in my own car Ant, I don’t think it’s necessary to be honest. Don’t let me keep you from your pretty blonde in her short skirt.
Ant: Chrissie, c’mon, please don’t be like this.
Chrissie: … I’ll forgive you…
Ant: Thank you Chrissie.
Chrissie: On ONE condition.
Ant: Name it. Anythin’ at all.
Chrissie: Tell me that Meg is not attractive in any way, shape or form.
Ant: … Huh?
Chrissie: Tell me.
Ant: I… Well…
Chrissie: (Starts to sob) That’s what I thought!



Ant: Chrissie! W-… wait… Please don’t go…
Chrissie: Leave me alone! Just don’t talk to me!
Ant: I never meant it like that! I don’t… have feelings for her if that’s what ya’ meant.



Ant: (Sounds sad) Chrissie…



Mikey: Miles might’ve come to say good job, but I’m just here to say tough luck Maxey haha!
Meg: (Quietly) He took the words right out of Timothy’s mouth.
Max: Doesn’t bother me. I still do a hell of a lot better than you do Mikey.
Miles: Not exactly a tall order.
Meg: Agreed.
Mikey: You only finished today ‘cause I didn’t mess with your car like last time.
Everyone: What?
Mikey: That’s right!
Meg: Probably not the main thing to be concerned ’bout right now but… how did YOU manage to do somethin’ like that?… Ya’ know nothin’ ‘bout cars!



Mikey: Tim taught me how to do it.
Tim: … (Quietly) I told you not to say anything to them… Come here!



Mikey: I’m sorry Tim.
Tim: You bloody will be! And it’s MR WALKER to you!… Oh and will someone PLEASE tell Antony to stop calling me all the bloody time? It gets on my nerves! He calls me endlessly every race day morning for like an hour.
Max: Oh, so YOU’RE the poor sap he keeps botherin’… Don’t feel sorry for ya’ anymore then.
Billie: Liked the race Max. Don’t worry about Ant-he’s always that reckless. See you around.
Max: You too, Billie.



Meg: D’AWWW!
Max: Stop it Meg.
Meg: Hehe, SORRY! It’s just so fun!
Miles: Why do I detect the hint of a complicated love triangle here?
Meg: There’s nothin’ goin’ on with me an’ Ant ALRIGHT!?!?!?
Miles: … I meant Max and Billie.
Meg: Oh…
Miles: Yeah… But at least I’ve learnt somethin’ new.
Meg: I…



Meg: …
Max: Lookin’ at the pretty pebbles again?
Meg: (Quietly) Yup.
Miles: Sooo, Max?
Max: It’s nothin’, really. It’s just… a conflict of interest.
Meg: Oh I’m sure Ant would love to hear ‘bout this.
Max: He already knows. But I’m sure he’d be happy to know you’re thinkin’ of him.
Meg: Don’t get cocky with me Maxwell.
Max: You even sound just like him there.
Meg: Rrrr- Stop pickin’ on me! Anyway, we gotta’ spread the word ‘bout this lil’ romance we got spurrin’.
Max: Oh boy…



Alan: Go on Wes! Go an’ score! Get in there!
Wes: (Quietly) Will you please… kindly…
Alan: What ya’ waitin’ for!? Pull already! Ya’ gonna’ be well in there!
Wes: SHUT THE FUCK UP!



Eliza: Huh?
Wes: …
Alan: …
Eliza: …
Wes: … I said hi.
Eliza: Oh! Hi.
Alan: Cheeky little sod, first ever time he’s swore like that at me the-… I’ll save it ‘till later.
Wes: Erm… alright… good start… My name’s Wesley.
Eliza: Hi Wesley, I’m Elizabeth.
Alan: LIZZIE! (Laughs)
Wes: (Sigh)
Eliza: Who’s that?
Wes: Oh he’s no one, just a dead man.
Meg: Lizzie! Ya’ gotta’ hear this!



Max: Oh great, just what I need-more people knowin’ this.
Miles: Terrif’, just what I need-her.
Meg: EXCUSE me Hoffman? Ya’ sayin’ ya’ got a problem with Lizzie?
Miles: She’s just…
Meg: Aw, we don’t have another love story here do we but you’re too embarrassed to say?
Miles: Hell no! Can’t stand the chick. She’s too quiet ‘n’ shy ‘n’ that’s not the kinda’ person you want out on the dust. She don’t fit in.
Meg: I won’t have anythin’ bad said ‘bout sweet lil’ Lizzie! Besides, she ain’t that shy!
Miles: She doesn’t suit the typical rough Cohnarite accent like she has.
Max: Ant ‘n’ I think it’s cute.
Meg: Now you shut up. Ant’s Ant so he’s alright but you’re already chasin’ Bill.
Max: Stickin’ up for Ant? Typical sign of love for him.
Meg: I’m not amused by you.



Eliza: Well, I guess my friends are wanting me over there.
Wes: Oh… ok.
Eliza: But I’ll see you around soon, hopefully.
Wes: Yeah… yeah! Hopefully… Nice talking to you Elizabeth.
Eliza: Call me Eliza. And yeah, you too. Bye for now.



Wes: Take care… (Quietly) Eliza…
Alan: Ha! Rejection! I mean AW sorry ol’ buddy ol’ pal. You’ll always have next time, no fear.
Wes: … I’m going to kill you.



Rico: Sammy?
Sammy: Yeah?
Rico: Got a visitor.
Sammy: REALLY!? For ME!? Oh! I feel so loved!



Missy: Hi there Samson.
Sammy: Oh it’s you…
Rico: And on that note, I’ll leave you to it.
Sammy: Yeah, thanks for that Rico.



Missy: See you’re still workin’ in this old dump.
Sammy: … Nice to see you too Missy.
Missy: Who said it was nice to see you?
Sammy: … Whaddya’ want?
Missy: A favour.
Sammy: Not interested.
Missy: Oh I’m sure you will be.
Sammy: You broke my heart I’ll have you know! Breakin’ up with me just ‘cause of the Sigfrid? Pure shallowness!
Missy: … You done?
Sammy: No not yet.
Missy: Too bad.
Sammy: Argh.
Missy: … I have a new boyfriend.
Sammy: Good for you.
Missy: Among many other things, he’s a loan shark… and a dealer… and a pornographer.
Sammy: Well ya’ sure know how to pick ‘em Missy… Wait, what?
Missy: Yep.
Sammy: You’re… goin’ out with… “Firecracker” Finley Hannigan!?
Missy: You said it.
Sammy: …
Missy: And… he has me in a bind. He forced me to handle some of his deals for him… I’m now a common criminal!
Sammy: Always knew it was just a matter of time, if I’m honest.
Missy: He taped me for a porno against my wishes too… he’s threatened to have me killed if I didn’t shut up about everythin’ and do as he tells me.
Sammy: What!?
Missy: Yeah.
Sammy: …I used to date a porn star!?
Missy: Sammy! Focus!… I want you to help me, and if you do, I’ll be very… VERY generous with your reward.
Sammy: Why should I help YOU? You let this on yourself!
Missy: ‘Cause I just told you-I’d treat you like we never broke up.
Sammy: …
Missy: So, what’s it gonna’ be?



Sammy: I know my first port of call for info on Finley. Quick! To the Sigfrid!
Missy: Ha… You serious?
Sammy: What?
Missy: Look, there’s just no way on Alterra you’ll catch me in that “car”… I’m sorry, I just won’t.
Sammy: Be rational please woman! This is the first serious storyline I’ve had on this show!
Missy: “Show”?
Sammy: I don’t have time to explain! Let’s go!



Sammy: Oh sweet plumbbob no it can’t be!
Missy: Oh no!



Sammy: I know just the culprit who did this!
Missy: Guess Finley’s already onto us.
Sammy: What? This has nothin’ to do with him! Sigfrid the First was OBVIOUSLY buried alive and has killed Sigfrid II as an act of revenge. We’ve got the bastard red-handed!
Missy: (Sigh) So much for a “serious storyline.”



Max: That little runt! Messin’ with my Ciclo like that…



Mikey: (Singing as bad as Max does) And I left him there all annoyed, with his precious car so terribly destroyed…
Max: Well two can play at that game. ‘N’ what’s more, I learn these tricks from the Antster himself!



Max: Y’know, I like Mikey’s car… very much. It’s a hot car… a VERY hot car indeed. I mean, look at that awesome stylin’. Yeah, this Lelion’s ON FIRE!



Mikey: Ah, what a lovely warm night’s sleep I had.
(Phone rings)
Mikey: Oh wow! I never get phone calls! I feel so loved!



Mikey: Good morning there!
Tim: What the hell’s got you so happy?
Mikey: Why shouldn’t I be? The sun is shining, the fresh smell of old desert sand is in the air, and the non-existent birds in the very few conveniently growing trees are chirping away so happily… in my head.
Tim: Funny, ‘cause I always thought your head was completely empty. Listen, erm… it seems you haven’t noticed yet.
Mikey: Noticed what?
Tim: Well, sorry to ruin your day as it’s been so perfect for you for the last ten seconds you’ve been awake but… you might wanna’ take a look outside.



Max: Sweet-oh-sweet revenge.
Ant: Tastes sweet, don’t it?
Max: That’s what I was referrin’ to, yeah.
Ant: Oh, sorry.
Max: Yeah, you just keep listenin’ to yourself ‘n’ no one else. It’s what your best at.
Ant: …
Max: (Takes a drink)
Ant: … Ya’ say somethin’?
Max: (Sigh) So ya’ spoken to Chrissie?
Ant: I tried. But she didn’t want to hear what I had to say.
Max: Ya’s gonna’ be ok?
Ant: We’ve been through worse, believe it or not. She knows I love her… Just have these tough times.
Max: Meg.
Ant: Don’t you start.
Max: Sorry.
Ant: Just can’t see why people don’t lay off us. We’re best friends! So we’re as close as could possibly be on the friendship side, so what!? Don’t mean we gotta’ skip over the romantic boundary.
Max: Why didn’t you just say Meg wasn’t attractive then?
Ant: Honestly… She is.
Max: WHAT?
Ant: I’m not sayin’ I wanna’ be with her or anythin’… I’m just sayin’ she’s definitely an attractive person.
Max: Then why didn’t you tell Chrissie that?
Ant: I tried! But by the time I said it… She’d ran halfway home in tears… Breaks my heart to see her upset… Makes me cry as well.
Max: … I’m sorry, I feel awkward now. Can we move on?
Ant: Sure.
Max: … So you wouldn’t mind me tryin’ to score with Meg then?
Ant: Ha! Don’t make me laugh Maxey! She could have any guy if she wanted to, but she chooses to not bother. No offense, but… as sweet as I can put it… ya’ got NO chance.
Max: Thanks Ant, you’re all heart.
Ant: Don’t mention it. (Takes a drink)
Max: … Would she go for YOU?
Ant:  ARGH DAMN IT MAXWELL JUST LET IT GO!
Max: Ok, ok! I’m sorry… But in all seriousness, do you think she would if she had the chance?
Ant: Hard to say… Maybe. Can’t quite tell if she sees me as a best friend or somethin’ more in the future. Her hatred for Chrissie’s pretty hard to see through.
Max: ‘Cause Meg’s all cool with her “pebble-spotting”?
Ant: I taught her that!
Max: Oh…
Ant: Anyway, ya’ never told me your evil master plan-what DID you do last night?
Max: WELL…



Mikey: What am I supposed to be lookin’ at?



Mikey: Wait… WHAT!?



Mikey: COOPER!!!