Episode 16 - The House Always Wins (The Finished Part) - Part 1

DISCLAIMER 2014: This is 2 year old footage from the canceled season 1 special. While the majority of the special is being reincarnated into an expansion for the future season 2, the following footage is never going to be used again, so we saw it fit to show it to you guys as something of a little treat for no reason. This was rediscovered recently in the archives after all this time and it's taken literally some hours to piece all the jumbled clutter back in the correct order to make it whole-ish again, hopefully this will interest some of you guys out there. Bear in mind the age of this footage as you say the quality is shoddy or anything, as this was genuinely written and filmed in 2012/2013, hence why Steve and Chrissie make appearance. We will admit not much happens in it, although there are some very small season 2 related spoilers in it but... Enjoy what you can out of this at any rate!

ORIGINAL DISCLAIMER: This feature was filmed on location, and live in public. Uncut editing and particular, unintentional fourth-wall breaking is present.

DATE OF FILMING: Approximately May-June/July 2012


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Kings Of The Desert
Season: 01
Episode: 16 - Season Special (Unfinished Release)
Written by: Mark Davison, Christine Hart and Stephen Garland
Produced by: Moonstone Productions
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AGE RATING: 15+
CONTAINS: STRONG LANGUAGE, STRONG VIOLENCE, GAMBLING, DRUG ABUSE, SCENES OF A SEXUAL NATURE, CHRISSIE SWEARING, UNCUT FOOTAGE, SLANDERING OF NSB2














Ralph: C’mon Jed, is this gun really necessary?
Jed: Ralphie, what have I told you before? He’s coming, and he remembers your involvement. The shit’ll hit the fan an’ you need to be able to handle yourself, ‘case I’m elsewhere at the time. I’m only lookin’ out for ya’, brother.
Ralph: You said he was coming nearly two months ago. Both of them. Now I've not seen a sign of either in all that time. They could be dead by now.
Jed: Well that may be true with one of them, but you-know-who isn't likely to be so. Remember how he works, and how he likes to make his appearance.
Ralph: I guess. But I haven't seen him in almost eight years. He wants to get a move on. If he IS still alive that is...




Mikey: *Yawns* … Hmmm, it’s a little bit nippy this morning.



Mikey: (Gasps)




Mikey: IT’S SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWING!



Daryl: Oh shit!
Bystander: OW!



Daryl: OWWW!
Mikey: HAHAHA! YES!
Bystander: Are you ok down there buddy?



Mikey: WOOHOO!
Miles: Huh?



Mikey: AWWRIGHT!
Kai: ‘The hell is that racket?



Ant: AAAGH!
Chrissie: (Screams)
Ant: I’m sorry Chrissie I’m sorry!… Musta’ had a bad dream. I could hear Mikey shouting-
Mikey: IT’S SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWING!
Chrissie: … Me too.



Keith: Just what I needed to wake up to.
Mikey: TAMMY! GET OUT HERE AND LET’S MAKE SNOW ANGELS!
Robert: Oh it gets worse… Oh, hi there Mikey (Waves reluctantly).



Tammy: Oh yes! This is what I’m talking about!



Mikey: On the count of three! One…… THREE!



Tammy and Mikey: YAAAAAAAAY!



Mikey: Eeeek! It’s really really cold!
Kim: Oh brother…
Hay-Hay: No, it’s Mikey-not Tim.
Kim: Funny Heather, funny.
Stace: Y’know what I’m thinkin’ girls? To get away from this mayhem?



The Girls: ...



Chrissie: That sounds perfect honey!



Max: Yes! Please!
Daryl: Excellent.



Eliza: Uhm… Ok then.
Alan: Aww yeah!
Wes: Great!




Everyone: …



Everyone: ROAD TRIP TO RIVET CITY!





Max: I just don’t understand… Snow in the desert?



Daryl: Ant was sayin’ that it’s not uncommon to happen here.
Max: And yet them out there are completely over-the-top with it?



Tammy: Awww, SNOWMAN! He looks SOOOO cute!
Mikey: … SNOWBALL FIGHT!
Tammy: I mightn’t have my cape on but I’m still gonna’ kick your butt!



Daryl: … Yeah, pack your bags for the trip… Max?



Max: Hotel’s booked!
Daryl: That was fast.
Max: Pulled out the telephone book and rang the first hotel I saw. Now c’mon! Let’s go!
Daryl: Thought you got bad signal in this town? Sometimes no signal at all?
Max: As I understand it, the best signal is when the weather sucks.
Daryl: I’d say that’s absurd but… In this town, that makes sense.



Wes: Ok… Ok, thank you.



Wes: Good to go guys, booked in.
Alan: Brill!
Eliza: How are we going to fit all our bags in one car though? None of us drive anything big enough to fit it all in.
Alan: (Under his breath) That’s what she said.



Miles: Sure, you fellas can car share with me.
Robert: You sure? I mean, you can’t get us in that Almira surely.
Miles: Oh no, I got a bigger car ‘round the back.
Keith: Awesome!



Tim: Bye kids!



Tim: You’re already packed?
Billie: Yeah I… packed earlier.
Tim: You assumed pre-emptively that we were going to go away?
Billie: … Sure.
Tim: Good call then. For a moment, it looked like you’d been planning on running away.
Billie: …
Tim: Well, Lucinda was kind enough to come and take the kids and look after them while we’re away.



Billie: Ellie?
Tim: She didn’t want to leave the house.
Billie: We can’t bring her with us to The Rivet though, she’s a bit young still.
Tim: Well I wasn’t about to ask Leonard to babysit, after the last time he did. Ricky’s been missing ever since he ran off with that fake money to New St. Martin after him and the others broke in here…
Billie: You think that no one noticed it was fake?
Tim: Impossible, it wasn’t professionally laundered. Ricky could have easily seen it was fake himself if he wasn’t so tied up in the sight of money in general. So anyway, then I asked if Kim would stay here with Eleanor… But she told me to go to hell, even if she’d love to take care of her-the fact it was a favour to me was a good enough reason to say no. However, she said she’d find someone else.
Billie: Who?
(Knock at the door)
Tim: That’ll be them.



Billie: Ali?
Ali: Mornin’ Bill. It’s bloody freezin’ out there, I’ll tell ya’. Couldn’t be bothered puttin’ my jacket on though.
Tim: Thank you for doing this Alicia.
Ali: Ah it’s fine. Besides, I couldn’t go to The Rivet ‘cause I got my anger management class’ monthly meeting this weekend so I had to stay. So long as Elle don’t mind comin’ with me for a couple hours tomorrow.
Tim: You don’t mind do you?
(Ellie shakes her head)
Tim: Good girl. Well, I’d say we best set off now. See you on Monday.



Tim: Oh.
Leo: It’s bloody freezin’ out here, I’ll tell ya’. Couldn’t be bothered puttin’ my coat on though.
Tim: So we’ve heard. What you want Leonard?
Leo: I was here to see if Bill were in, to take ‘er up to The Rivet.
Tim: I’M taking her to The Rivet.
Leo: It don’t work that way tough guy. She’s my sister so I’M takin’ ‘er.
Tim: Yeah well she’s my girlfriend so I’M taking her.



Leo: Family comes first pal.
Tim: Says the man who stole his parents’ car to run away from them.



Leo: You’re one to talk!
Tim: What’s that meant to mean?



Leo: You did the exact same thing, but kidnapping my sister in the process.
Billie: (Quietly) Bye everyone.
Ali: (Quietly) Take care Bill.



Tim: It’s hardly kidnapping when she wanted to come with me to get away from you all in the first place.
Leo: She hardly wanted to get away from me when she happily shares this town with me now.



Tim: You think she’s HAPPY sharing this town with you?
Leo: You think she’s happy sharing it with YOU?
Billie: Sorry Len.



Tim: I KNOW she’s happy with me!
Leo: How d’ya’ know? Have you checked with Ant? With MAX?
Tim: What would they know?
Leo: She talks to Ant quite a lot anyway, he’s bound to know her inside out. An’ I’ve seen ‘er warmin’ to Max since the day he showed up on the dust.



Tim: That’s crap Leonard and you know it!
Leo: Don’t swear in front of Ellie.
Tim: Oh shit, I’m sorry Eleanor.
Leo: You’re worse than I am.
Tim: I’m WORSE?
Leo: Damn right.
Tim: How am I WORSE!?
Leo: Look at yasel’ pal-you’re losin’ it.
Tim: Losing what?
Leo: A grip. On life, on yourself, on your Royal Title, on BILLIE…
Tim: My life is perfectly fine thank you VERY much! I have an exceptional grasp on both myself AND my royalty so don’t think you’re taking the crown off me anytime soon, I’ll always be the number one driver in this town for as long as I live. And me and Billie’s relationship is the strongest thing in my world, got it!?



Ali: Could I suggest you guys come to my anger management classes? You both look like you could use ‘em.
Leo: Stop goin’ soft on us Ali. Next thing ya’ know ya’ gonna’ wanna’ go out an’ ‘ave a tan ‘cause you’re so damn pale.
Ali: SOFT!? I’ll fuckin’ show you soft!



Leo: OW!
(Door breaks open)



Tim: … My door made the most perfect, worthwhile sacrifice for my entertainment.
Leo: What the fuck is your problem, bitch!?
Ali: BITCH!? I’m a FELINE you twat! Don’t compare me to them mongrels!
Tim: Both of you stop swearing in front of Eleanor please.



Tim: … Eleanor?
Ali: Elle, sweetie?
Leo: Good goin’ guys.
Tim: … Where’s Billie gone as well?



Leo: Where’s my P-Line gone?
(Long silence)
Leo: … This is your fault Tim.
Tim: MY fault? How’s it MY fault?



Leo: You’re the one who let Billie and Ellie slip out of our sight.
Tim: You’re the one who was standing in the doorway, you should’ve seen Billie leaving and taking your car.
Ali: (Sigh) You pathetic quarrelin’ morons.



Leo: Yeah well up ‘til now, Ellie was in your care so you shoulda’ been more responsible takin’ care of a child.
Tim: She’s twelve years old, she isn’t a baby anymore. And she’s extremely mature for her age. She should have a good idea of what to do and what not to do when there isn’t someone watching over her.
Leo: She learns from Ant though.
Tim: … You’re right, she’s just a child.



Leo: I’m ALWAYS right!
(Sounds of crying)



Ali: It’s ok honey…



Tim: Oh are you now?
Leo: Of course! I knew you were bad news from the moment I met ya’, I knew we were doomed to hell for lettin’ Mikey drive us down here after we was stranded in Dusty Springs, I knew your sister had quite a fine character in her the moment she displayed her mutual hatred of you. My judgment’s never wrong!
Tim: I guess you have a point.
(Long silence)
Leo: … So can I car share with you? I got no luggage to bring-it was in the car.
Tim: I guess so.
Leo: Want me to book in some place?
Tim: Nah, you can help me finish my packing. I’ll get someone else to book us all in.



Tim: MICHAEL!
Mikey: (Exhausted) I shall not be defeated!
Tammy: Don’t mess with the cape, even when the cape isn’t here. I’m the finest snowball hurler this side of the Hanson Riviera. Ditching the coat for just a jacket also helped my maneuverability.
Tim: MICHAEL!
Mikey: Oh! I’m being summoned! Best dash!



Tammy: Oh! Erm… Bye Mikey.



Tammy: … I feel so sad and alone now…



Mikey: Hello!
Tim: Book us in at The Crystal Rooms will you?
Mikey: Ok!



Tim: Wait a minute! I haven’t finished yet!
Mikey: Oh.
Tim: Book us in for a double room, and two single rooms please. And for the double Mikey, if you can, book one of the Cashmere Suites please.
Mikey: Roger!… Oh, sorry, hello there… No, I didn’t call you Roger, who’s calling you Roger?… (Quietly) Tim, I think we have a confused receptionist called Roger here… Yes, hi there, I’d like to make a booking please…
Ali: TIMOTHY! I’d like a word with you!



Tim: (Sigh) What now? Why not Leonard as well?
Mikey: Yeah… Yeah… Ok, that’s fine. Great!



Mikey: That was strange… They must’ve renovated the hotel since Tim’s last been, they’ve renamed their special rooms.



Ant: All packed. I think that’s everythi-



Chrissie: Here we are! That’s the last of it.
Ant: …
Chrissie: What?
Ant: Nothin’… This thing’s pretty heavy. What ya’ got in here? The kitchen sink?
Chrissie: No, silly.



Chrissie: It’s right over there.
Ant: Yeah?… Well put it back!
Chrissie: Ok, ok.



Meg: Ant! Hi!
Ant: Meg!… Hi… How ya’ been?



Meg: You ain’t spoken t’me since showdown day an’ all I get is a “how ya’ been”?
Ant: … Er…
Meg: Have you not missed me at all?… ‘Course you ‘aven’t, otherwise ya’ woulda’ called, or paid me a visit. Instead I been lonely, hopin’ you’d come to me.
Ant: Meggie, I’m sorry… I didn’t think you’d have wanted to see me.
Meg: What are ya’ talkin’ ‘bout Ant? ‘Course I did! Nothin’d tear me away from you…



Ant: I’m sorry Megs, for everythin’.
Meg: It’s all ok hun, just please don’t leave me alone again.



Chrissie: Oh well look who it is.
Ant: Chris, can we-
Chrissie: I thought you weren’t talking to her anymore. I wouldn’t have minded if you didn’t lie to me… And don’t call me Chris!
Ant: Lie to you? We haven’t spoken since showdown day, I told you that. And I’m sorry but you don’t have the right to be mad at me even if I WAS lyin’. You weren’t exactly honest with me about the racin’ were ya’?
Chrissie: That was different! I wanted it to be a pleasant surprise for you! I thought it would make you happy!
Ant: I wanted you to approve of me racin’, but I never wanted you tied into it yourself.



Chrissie: Excuse me? So it’s ok for you to be racing but not me?
Ant: That wasn’t what I said. All I meant was I just wanted you to be ok with it, I wasn’t askin’ you to join in too.
Chrissie: Well I have, and I rather enjoy it. So I’m going to continue whether you like it or not.
Ant: Sounds to me more like you’re doing this to personally have a go at me.
Chrissie: Is that what you think? You think I’d stoop so low?
Ant: Well you once thought I stooped so low as to join the racin’ to do nothin’ but “annoy you and get under Meg’s skirt” as you put it.
Meg: (Blushes extremely hard) Pretty, pretty pebbles…
Chrissie: You’re the one who admitted to my face that you thought she was attractive!
Ant: I never said that!
Chrissie: You didn’t deny it though!



Alan: I detect some trouble over yonder.
Wes: Yeah, best we stay out of it.
Eliza: I hope Ant’s ok.
Alan: Stay out of it? Speak for yourselves, I’m watching!



Chrissie: And now I think about it, you said that you’ve had sexual thoughts about Meg before.
Ant: Woah now wait just a darn pickin’ minute! I ain’t EVER said that!



Chrissie: To Max, you did.
Max: … Sorry? What did I do? I’ve only been gettin’ supplies for the road!
Ant: You told her!?
Max: … I might’ve let it slip… IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I SWEAR! Mikey was botherin’ me about Meg and I just… said it… I needed a way out! I guess Mikey must have told Chrissie.
Chrissie: No, I overheard you and Ant mention it another time. So Mikey knew as well and he never told me?
Max: Y’know what Mikey’s like, he wouldn’t want to upset you. He’s stupid, but he understands certain sensitive situations… Or maybe he just was in a world of his own at the time ‘n’ never knew after all.
Chrissie: That’s true… Ok then.



Ant: Aw Chrissie, c’mon… Where you goin’ now?
Chrissie: To my car! I’m driving up on my own.



Ant: A relaxing trip for everyone… Hell it is.
Meg: Ant… It might not be appropriate for me to ask right now but… Could I come with you please? I started working on the Obie but it won’t be ready until about March.
Ant: Of course hun, my pleasure. What are you doin’ with the Obie though? Sounds serious.
Meg: Oh… No, it ain’t serious… It’s a long story.



Ralph: Megan, could you sign this form please?
Meg: Oh, sure…
Ant: What’s that for?… (Takes a glance at the paperwork)… You’re resignin’ from flag girl? Why?
Ralph: Thank you Megan… (Laughs) Oh Antony, life’s full of little surprises up an’ down the road, ain’t it?
Ant: What’s that supposed to mean?



Daryl: Kiddo, hurry it up there will ya’? You were the one in a rush before, now it’s the other way ‘round so get your skates on ‘n’ chop-chop.
Max: Is your friend impatient too?
Daryl: Yes he is.
Ant: Oh yeah, I didn’t catch the guy’s name last I saw ‘im. What is it again?
Max: Don’t worry… None of us caught it.
Ant: Oh… ok then.
Ralph: Well I’m out of the state on business this weekend so I’ll leave you kids to enjoy your little winter break.



Ant: What business does he need to settle out of town when all his business is, is running the races in THIS town?
Meg: I’m not sure myself… I’m curious now though.
Daryl: (Under his breath) Oh, I have a good idea…



Bystander: Buddy, buddy, buddy! Ready to go yet ready to go?
Daryl: Calm down buddy. Yeah we’re just about sorted.
Bystander: We ain’t goin’ in your BNB are we? I can’t stand not having a windshield anymore!
Daryl: (Sigh) It’s frozen over anyway. That broken windshield just lets all the ice and crap in so the car’s pretty much a loss now. We’re takin’ my Sunbird Century.
Max: MY Sunbird Century.
Daryl: Not anymore kid. Now I’m back, it’s mine again.
Max: Awwwwwww.
Daryl: Shall we?



Bystander: Can I at least tell you guys my name yet? It’s been like two months nearly.
Daryl: If you’re lucky, you can tell us when we’re on the road.



Ant: It’s been a rough mornin’… I’m not in The Rivet yet, I haven’t even hit the road, but I already wanna’ get really drunk and hit the clubs.
Meg: Me too! Don’t worry, you’re in good hands-I’ll guarantee you a weekend a million times better than our campin’ out in Redrock Canyon.
Ant: Oh, is that so? Guess it’s safe to say I’m in for an unforgettable time then.



Keith: Shall I put the stuff in the trunk?
Miles: Oh no no no no no no no no! Just put it in the backseat with you, if you could.
Keith: Backseat? Robbie gets to go shotgun!? Why!?



Robert: ‘Cause he got in first.
Miles: Yeah, I never let ‘im-he just made his way there early.
Keith: Sneaky little bugger.



Keith: Why couldn’t I put the stuff in the trunk?
(Thumping sounds coming from the trunk)
Miles: It’s full at the moment.
(Muffled incomprehensible yelling)
Robert: Is someone in there?
Miles: Someone in there? Don’t be ridiculous! Just spare parts and scrap stuff.
Keith: (Quietly) Robbie, I’m scared…



Mikey: Erm, Chrissie?
Chrissie: Yeah?
Mikey: I heard you earlier when you were mad… I’m sorry.
Chrissie: It’s ok Mikey, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Mikey: I’m glad. So listen, I had to scrap the Hunka the other week, and I’m car-less. Tammy’s going up to The Rivet with the other Desert Cats in the team van and Tim’s getting an earful from Ali, so I was wondering if I could come with you?
Chrissie: Of course you can Mikey. You can stick with me all weekend if you want?
Mikey: Yaaaaaaaay!



Ant: (Muttering to himself) Fine… Fine. Ok. Here.
Chrissie: So what’s this then?
Ant: Your luggage. Figured you’d want it.
Chrissie: Just keep it in your car.
Ant: No! If you’re takin’ your own bloody car then you can take your own crap. I’m not taking the Ginerva anyway, it’s only the Hunka.
Mikey: It’s a Yomoshoto Ant…
(Ant scowls at Mikey)
Mikey: Just correcting you! There’s no harm in that is there?
Ant: Whatever. It needs the run since it hasn’t been out in months… Need to save boot space.
Chrissie: You are so doing this just out of spite!
Ant: As are you Chrissie, as are you.
Chrissie: I hate you!
Ant: No you don’t.
Chrissie: Right this second, I actually physically hate you.
Ant: Suit yourself. I’m a man with many enemies.



Chrissie: (Sad sigh)
Mikey: Are you ok Chrissie?
Chrissie: … I’m fine. Just have to ignore Ant, I’m not letting him bother me this weekend. I thought this would be a lovely time together just the two of us but… Now it’s my break away from him.
Mikey: … Well I’m a great distraction!
(Ant chokes a little from laughter in the distance)
Chrissie: Oh… Piss off Ant!
Ant: Such language girl, it ain’t like you.



Billie: Max, Daryl… Erm, you.
Bystander: Hey there sweet thing.
Daryl: Ssh… buddy.
Bystander: Still not wanna’ know my name yet?
Max and Daryl: NO!
Max: What’s up Billie?
Billie: I… Tim and Len… Can I come with you guys?
Max: Of course!
Daryl: I’m the one to ask actually ‘cause it’s my car.
Billie: Oh, right…
Daryl: (Laughs) ‘Course you can come with us darlin’. That car not good for ya’?
Billie: It’s Len’s… I’m not gonna’ carjack him… For longer than five hundred yards.



Wes: Still watching Ant and Chrissie?
Alan: Not movin’ an inch ‘til they leave… I’m not missin’ anythin’!
Wes: Suit yourself. Let’s go Eliza.
Alan: Huh? What?



Alan: Wait a minute guys, wait a minute.
Wes: We left you your gear Al, no worries.



Alan: Waaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!



Meg: C’mon pard’ner, let’s hit the road!
Ant: Rightio!



Chrissie: Ant…
Ant: …
Chrissie: … Ant?
Ant: …
Chrissie: Are you listening?
Ant: (Nods)
Chrissie: Will you speak?
Ant: I’m bein’ civil by speakin’ at a minimum. What is it?
Chrissie: I’m sorry for getting maybe a little bit carried away before. I’m not happy, and neither are you, I get that. Maybe it’s best we stay apart this weekend-calm down a little for a few days. I don’t want to make things worse. Ok?
Ant: Yeah, ‘cause that’s how every healthy relationship works. It’s also how every problem within a couple is sorted ain’t it?
Chrissie: I don’t know what else to do.
Ant: … Me neither.



Chrissie: Ant… Ant!



Chrissie: … Why does it feel like our roles have swapped over in the past two months?



Tim: Are you getting in this fricken’ car or what Leonard!?
Leo: Don’t you rush me you stuck-up, toffee-nosed bastard!
Tim: I hope you’re going your own way this weekend Leonard.
Leo: Don’t worry, the moment we get into town, I’ll be gettin’ a mile away from ya’.






Kim: Desert Cats! Let’s go!
Hay-Hay and Stace: Yeah!
Tammy: Yaaaaaaaay!
Hay-Hay: Ahem.
Tammy: Oh, sorry… YEAH!
Kim: We’re re-convertin’ ya’ to a full-fledged feline this weekend Tammy.
Stace: (Quietly) And it better work. Mikey’s done too much damage to her personality lately.
Kim: Seating plan will change-the Kitten Campaign will take place in the back, with Stace and Tammy. Hay-Hay, you sit in the back too this time to supervise ‘em.



Mikey: Will playing car games help?
Chrissie: Sure Mikey! What do you have in mind?
Mikey: All sorts of stuff! Anything at all! What do you wanna’ start with?
Chrissie: Hmmm…



Bystander: Ah! It’s so nice and warm in here!
Daryl: Glad to see ya’ took care of the ol’ gal once you got her kiddo.
Max: I’ve only really taken two trips in it after I arrived.
Daryl: I was talkin’ about Billie, not the car, but nevermind.
Max: Har-har. You’re so bloody funny.
Billie: I remember one of those trips, but what was the second?
Max: Oh, when we broke into Tim’s house whilst you were away to Acre Pines.
Billie: Ah right.
Bystander: You did WHAT!?
Daryl: That’s my boy.



(Loud knocking from the trunk)
Robert: Seriously Miles, what ya’ got in there?
Miles: Told ya’, you don’t need to know.
Keith: Tell us Miles! Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaase?
Miles: No!



Alan: … So wait a minute… Out of all the guys who are goin’ away, I’m the only guy been left behind!?



Kai: Alan, have you seen Liz anywhere?
Alan: Clear off Kieran! You’ve been missing for two months an’ now I’ve been left behind by everyone so I can’t go to The Rivet.
Kai: Well, I could-
Alan: No! We know better than to let you near Lizzie in an unfamiliar place!



Kai: … Just as planned.



Ricky: You kids have fun with Lucinda, ok?
Charley: Of course! Cindy’s awesome!
Cindy: Awww thank you Charley. Love you! C’mon, let’s go up to Hendersfield Zoo.
Charley and Gabrielle: Yeah!



Alan: Hi kids! Cindy, always a pleasure.
Charley: ALAN!
Gabrielle: Hi!
Cindy: Good morning, and indeed it is.
Ricky: Alan? What are you doing here? Thought you were all going to The Rivet?
Alan: Ricky? What are YOU doing here? Thought you were off to New St. Martin?
Ricky: It’s a long story…
Alan: It’s a long story too…



Ricky: Drink?
Alan: Sure, why not.
Ricky: Me too actually. Don’t worry, it’s on the house. It hasn’t been the best of times for either of us it seems.
Alan: Not gonna’ argue there. So, where’ve you been these past two months?
Ricky: I NEARLY got to New St. Martin, but then it turned out that all that money-
Alan: -Was fake.
Ricky: Oh, so you knew?
Alan: Tim came and told us that shortly after you’d left.
Ricky: Oh… So anyway I got put in jail for fraud, then I explained that it wasn’t me who laundered it so they let me go.
Alan: And that took two whole months?
Ricky: No, ‘cause then I accidentally explained I broke into someone’s house and took the money from them so they had me arrested for burglary. Then I had to explain that the town wasn’t in their jurisdiction, and then prove it by finding a map that was at least thirty years old which actually had the town on in order to point out its location, then take them so far so they knew it wasn’t made up, and dealt with a whole lot of paperwork, then got given all the cautioning bullshit, THEN I was set free… But I was all the way up in Charleston’s Monument.
Alan: Charleston’s Monument? What the hell were you doin’ all the way up in Brookhaven?
Ricky: All flights to New St. Martin via Rivet City International were full, Ryker’s P.I.A. was the only place that had a free flight, so R.C.I. transferred me there. Took a while getting on the road back home and I only got back three days ago.
Alan: Ah, sounds like you could use a break away.
Ricky: I’d bloody love to! But sadly with Lucinda taking care of Tim’s nieces, I’m stuck running the damn bar!
Alan: But… Everyone’s out of town, the racing season ended, there’s not gonna’ be anyone here… Except you.
Ricky: …



Ricky: You’re right! There’s not gonna’ be anyone to serve this weekend so sure, I’ll come with you to The Rivet.
Alan: Yeah!
Ricky: We shouldn’t be drinking this then.
Alan: One bottle’s fine! We’ll be alright. You’re a barkeep, you’re the expert on drink driving limits.
Ricky: You’re right! Ain’t nothing wrong we’re doing!



Wes: Finally out of the snow…
Eliza: Do you feel bad for abandoning Alan back there?
Wes: Nope, not at all.
(Phone rings)
Eliza: I’ll just get that.
Wes: Stop the car when you’re on the phone, I don’t want us to crash.
Eliza: Don’t be silly Wes, it’s an open road, I’ll be fine.
Wes: I don’t want to risk you getting hurt. Please?
(Phone continues to ring)
Eliza: … Fine.



Eliza: Hello?
Alan: Lizzie.
Eliza: Alan! Are you ok?
Alan: Could you put Wes on please?
Eliza: Sure. It’s for you Wes.



Wes: Hello?
Alan: Wes!
Wes: Oh, hi there Al. Where are you? Thought you were coming with us to The Rivet?
Alan: Yeah, oh that’s very funny Wes, very bloody funny indeed. Well the joke’s on you my friend! I’m on my way now and… Yep, yep I was right…



Wes: What the-?
Alan: Guess we’ll be waitin’ for ya’ there, slowpokes! Hahahaha!



Ricky: Happy now?
Alan: Oh yes, I’m very happy now!
Ricky: Good.
Alan: … This weekend’s gonna’ freakin’ ROCK!
Ricky: I’ll agree with you there.
Alan: Can’t help but wonder how empty The Wasteland’ll be now. Kieran’ll be all on his own.
Ricky: Thought you didn’t like him?
Alan: I don’t. Nobody does! He’s after Lizzie!… It just feels weird imagining that there’s no one else in town…



Teddy: Richard, are you here?… Richard!



Teddy: … Richard!? I could really use a drink right now! Ta very much pal!



Teddy: … Somethin’ tells me he ain’t here. But why’d he leave the place unlocked? Anyone could just waltz in ‘ere ‘n’ help themselves to the liquor………



Teddy: Don’t mind if I do then.



Daryl: Oh I know what I was wantin’ to ask ya’ Max!
Max: (Yawns) What?
Daryl: (Whispers) When were you gonna’ make a move on Billie back there?
Max: Shush!
Billie: What’s the matter?
Max: Nothin’, nothin’. It’s nothin’.
Bystander: Will you tell me?
Max and Daryl: NO!
Bystander: C’mon!… You don’t have to know my name if you tell me.
(Long silence)
Bystander: Fine! (Sulks)
Max: … I wanna’ drive!
Daryl: Only if you ask Billie out.
Billie: What?
Daryl: Only if he bullies that lout.
Bystander: What did I do now!?
Max: Nothin’ buddy, don’t listen to ‘im.
Daryl: (Laughs)
Max: You’re mean.
Daryl: You’re easy to torment.
Max: But-!
Daryl: You heard what I said and I meant it too.
Max: …
Daryl: Somethin’ for you to consider this weekend, hm?
Max: (Quietly) But she has Tim, remember…



Leo: Can’t believe Billie carjacked me…
Tim: Will you give it a rest!? I let you come with me because you needed a ride, NOT so you could irritate me.
Leo: You know what I’m like! You wouldn’t have let me come along if you hadn’t been prepared for it!
Tim: (Sigh) Even Kimberly would be a better passenger to have right now.
Leo: The feeling’s mutual.



Kim: Alright Tammy, ready for the official Kitten Campaign?
Stace: (Quietly) Don’t say “yaaaaaaaay.”
Tammy: RAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Kim: Very good! Hay-Hay, you’re up.



Hay-Hay: Ok Tammy, question one: What does a Desert Cat eat for breakfast? A) Sugar Oats. B) Fishy Nibbles. Or C) Any Moron Stupid Enough To Stand In Their Way?
Tammy: All of ‘em!
Hay-Hay: …
Tammy: …
Hay-Hay: … That is correct!
Tammy: YAAAAAAAAY!
Stace: (Facepalms)
Hay-Hay: …
Tammy: Sorry! I mean… YEAH!
Hay-Hay: Bravo. Question two: A desperate drooling loser comes over to hit on you, as every Desert Cat is physically irresistible, how do you respond? A) Give ‘im a wink an’ blow ‘im a kiss. B) Look away and play hard to get. Or C) Let him walk your way then put him in a painful arm-lock and slam his face off his own car’s hood?
Tammy: Erm… I know I know! Secret option D: Same as C except if it’s someone you actually don’t mind then you play along and flirt back!
Hay-Hay: Perfect answer!… But you missed one other detail out.
Tammy: Hmmm… If the creep persists to chat you up then you knee him in the crotch, Taewanian burn his arm, kick him to the ground and claw out his right eye?
Hay-Hay: Excellent Tammy! But what if the person hitting on you is a girl?
Tammy: …
Hay-Hay: Take your time, this one’s tricky.
Tammy: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrm… (taps fingers repeatedly off the bench in frustration) Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Stace: Do you want to use the Clue Kitten for a Kitten Clue?
Tammy: Yes please…
Stace: Ok, the Clue Kitten says: “Even if it’s your favourite feline, your ball of yarn is YOUR ball of yarn.”
Tammy: (Gasps) You say “no” to her but you appreciate the compliment and she instantly becomes one of your wingwomen… wing CATS even!
Hay-Hay: Correct!
Tammy: YES!!!



Mikey: I spy… with my little eye… something beginning with……… T!



Chrissie: Tammy!
Mikey: YAAAAAAAAY!



Kim: She’s totally changed since she got that little rocket, ain’t she?
Hay-Hay: I assume that was Chrissie goin’ past?
Kim: Yep, the car’s got a distinctive sound to it.



Chrissie: Ok! Now, I spy with my little eye, something beginning with…
Mikey: (Sad sigh)
Chrissie: … Are you alright there, Mikey?
Mikey: Yeah… Fine.
Chrissie: … I know. This weekend sucks already… It FUCKING sucks!
Mikey: You’ve never sworn ever and yet you’ve sworn so much in one day.
Chrissie: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t like swearing myself, but I’m SO FURIOUS right now!
Mikey: With Ant?
Chrissie: Yes!



Chrissie: (Starts to sob) I just… (Sobs more) I don’t like fighting with him… (Sobs even more) But right now I just can’t stand him!
Mikey: … Chrissie, stop the car. Please.



(Long, long silence)
Meg: Can I ask you somethin’?
Ant: Sure hun, what is it?
Meg: About what was said before leavin’ home…
Ant: What was said before we left home?
Meg: ‘Bout you thinkin’ ‘bout me… Sexually…
Ant: …
Meg: Was it true?
Ant: … On showdown day… There was a reason why I didn’t pull away from you immediately when you pulled off that kiss out of the blue.
Meg: So… How long had it been?
Ant: Since what? Telling Max or in general?
Meg: … Max?
Ant: … It was about… The day we came back from Redrock Canyon when I told him. He asked.
Meg: And in general?
Ant: … Heh… Well, honestly?… Not long after we first met.
Meg: So it’s been a good three years almost then?
Ant: … Guess so.
Meg: Do you still think ‘bout me in that way?
Ant: …
Meg: … Hm?
Ant: … (Smiles very, very slightly, embarrassed) No comment. Sure, I don’t feel right for thinkin’ that way, but ain’t no harm in thinkin’. Not as bad as doin’.
Meg: Hehe (blushes) well… I guess ya’ learn somethin’ every day.



(Loud thumping from the trunk continues)
Keith: Don’t mean to whine, but that racket’s gettin’ on my flamin’ nerves.
Miles: You’re whining Woody, stop it.
Robert: (Laughs) Whining Woody, that’s your new name.
Keith: Sod off!
Robert: Seriously though Miles, can you do something?
Voice: (Muffled) Hoffman! Hoffman please! Look, I’m very sorry I crossed you, ok!? C’mon, I swear I’ll never try to mess with ya’ again, PLEASE, let me outta’ here! I don’t wanna’ die!
Keith: There IS someone in there!
Robert: Miles, what’s a guy doin’ in your trunk?
Miles: He put a Smoogo P.A. inside my house when I was away one day.
(Awkward silence)
Miles: Haha! I’m just kiddin’.
Keith and Robert: Phew.
Miles: … (Turns to Robert and Keith with a very serious and deadly looking face)
Robert and Keith: (Gulps)
(Thumping from the trunk)
Voice: Hoffman? Hoffman! Whaddya’ say, huh!?
Miles: Argh! (Stamps on the brakes)





Miles: (Repetitively punching in rhythm with each word) Shut… the… fuck… up… WILL YOU!?… Good!
Keith: … Robbie?
Robert: Yes Woody… ?
Keith: … I’m scared Robbie.
Miles: Asshole.
Robert: … Me too Woody. Me too.
Keith: Like, really scared Robbie.
Robert: I know Woody, I know. Me too.
Keith: Like, really really scared Robbie.
Robert: Shush Woody, before he comes back.



Mikey: I just feel really sad and alone now…
Chrissie: You and Tammy… Are you…
Mikey: …?
Chrissie: Do you… have feelings for her?
Mikey: Feelings?
Chrissie: You know, intimate feelings?
Mikey: Imitate?
Chrissie: No, intimate… Romantic?
Mikey: …
Chrissie: … Sexual?
Mikey: Oh!… Oh no no no no no no no no no no! No, no, she’s… It’s Tammy!
Chrissie: Yeah? What’s the matter with her?
Mikey: Well it… it… it’s Tammy!
Chrissie: I know. She’s sweet, and lovely, and you two get on so well, why not?
Mikey: …



Mikey: I’m ready to go on the road now!
Chrissie: Hey, c’mon! Don’t avoid the question!… It’ll make me happy if you answer.
Mikey: She’s…
Chrissie: Ant told me you blushed so much and ran to hide in the bathroom at The Wildboar when you saw her.
Mikey: … Speaking of Ant, what do you think’s going to happen with you?



Ant: Like the last time, I really don’t know. When she was keepin’ the racin’ a secret from me, it wasn’t to the point like now where she says that she hates me.
Meg: … Maybe it’s for the best.



Chrissie: It’ll be fine, I can manage on my own if I have to, right?… Right? I’ve only lived with him for four and a half years, I’ve only known him for six. He’s only been the only person to care for me and show affection and make me feel loved. And he’s only like the one person who I’ve ever had longing feelings of love for… That’s all. (Starts sobbing again) He’s no big deal…
Mikey: … Today’s supposed to be happy! Every day with me needs to be a brighter day! C’mon, let’s play a game! Take your mind off it.
Chrissie: (Sniffles) Ok…



Ricky: What do you have in mind?
Alan: Who can make it to The Rivet first?
Ricky: You’re saying you want to have a race with everyone to get to The Rivet first?



Eliza: A race Alan? Really?… Ok! You’re on!



Max: Dad? Fancy a race?
Daryl: Sounds good to me!
Max: You’re on Al.



Robert: Al wants to know if you want a race?
Miles: A race?… I thought we were past that until the next season.
Keith: YOU’RE ON AL!
Alan: 10-4 Woody.
(Phone hangs up)
Miles: Great, so I gotta’ race now against my will?
Robert: If you want, Woody could drive instead.
Keith: YEAH!
Miles: No he won’t. I’ll do it.
Keith: Awwwrrr!



Kim: Alan wanted a race? Heh, no thanks loser. We have more important things to be doin’ than racin’ today. Besides, if we start takin’ the race seriously, how we meant to win in a heavy van, huh? What a moron…



Hay-Hay: Alright Tammy, last three questions, they don’t get no harder than this. Ready?
Tammy: Bring it on bitch!
Hay-Hay: That’s the spirit girl! Ok, here it comes: Recite one of the many Desert Cat slogans… But do it with passion.



Mikey: Yaaaaaaaay! Race time! Go Chrissie go!
Chrissie: In this car?… We’re going to win!



Tammy: We’re The Desert Cats! We’re not just going to sit around and purr… WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING RAWR!
(Everyone claps)
Stace: Well done Tammy!
Kim: Oh shit, ditch! Hold on guys!



Stace: OW!
Hay-Hay: Watch where you’re drivin’ Kimmy!
Kim: Whoops! Sorry, Tammy’s success was takin’ my attention away.
Tammy: Wow! This reminds me of what it felt like when Mikey took me for a drive. Good times!



Ant: Heh, tell Al he’s got it. We’ll wipe the floor with all of ‘em!



Ant: We’re gonna’ win Meggie, I know we will.
Meg: Win… an’ I’ll have a little surprise for you sometime this weekend.
Ant: You’re quick to jump to conclusions-me an’ Chrissie ain’t broken up yet.
Meg: Does that mean if you do then you an’ me will…
Ant: … Maaaaaaaaybe.
Meg: (Bites lip)



Hay-Hay: Next question: Opinions on RP and capes?
Tammy: … Do I HAVE to give up the capes? Can’t I be a true fury feline and still love my cape? It’s Tam-Tam The Wonderful Caped Avenger! I can’t give her up!
Kim: Fine, skip to the last question then.
Hay-Hay: Ok. Mikey approaches you and asks if you wanna’ play, what do you do? A) Pass through ‘im ‘n’ pretend he don’t exist. B) Tell him to clear off and push him away-he’s a loser and isn’t worth your time. Or C) Exclaim “yaaaaaaaay!” and join him in a water balloon fight?
Tammy: WATER BALLOON FIGHT!
(Kim, Hay-Hay and Stace all sigh in unison)
Kim: I give up… Tamara, you’re a loss aren’t you? There’s no saving you no more, you’ll never be the Tammy we knew an’ loved… Please, please remember how it used to be… Before all this Mikey nonsense.
Tammy: Hmmm… (Breathes in sharply)
Stace: I see somethin’ clicked!