RPM blog lol

[size=200]What's RPM? [/size]

Hello young messrs! Oh, so you want to know about RPM do you? It's broadcasted in Denland, and it's about cars. Oh no, that makes three doesn't it? Then how the bloody hell did something like this get permission to air next Wednesday? Nathan Radcliff's stupidity? Hans' hair? Warren's wide collection of jumpers and blouses? "Shirts!" Warren bellows. Nah, BLOUSES! If we were going to air this on Denevian TV we at Crimson Media had to think hard. As a matter of fact short-arse Joe Barker's remarks and Donny Walker's afro isn't enough. We set out to do something nobody had ever done before, to make the show that should have showed but never showed. The motoring show that combines seriousness, with banter and fun factor. The show that tests cars from a viewer's perspective, and not always the journalists'. Tests will range from informative, old-fashioned tests right down to the downright bizzare and outrageous. There really is no reason to turn over and watch animals mate on SPTV2 for this. This is RPM.

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[size=200]"I'm Nathan Radcliff."[/size]
09.03.12
Written by Nathan Radcliff, Presenter



Yes, and welcome to the RPM blog. Your first stop for RPM news and rumours that's hot off the press. And the only stop actually. I've been elected to write the RPM blog's first entry, as an introduction to the show and what you will expect to see in the next six weeks or so. The trouble is, we don't want to drone on about what we think about it, we want you to watch it and judge what kind of show it is for yourself. We're opinionated, but there is a fact. RPM will be different to any motoring show or indeed any show you've ever seen before on Denevian TV. And that's at least something to prove how pleased I am to be working for such a show. My grandmother always taught me about originality and creativity, bless her soul. I believe you're in for a treat. I don't know what you're thinking now, but my guess is you're not that excited because we like to keep our mouths shut, and then surprise you. Yes, it may be different, but why another car show? What was wrong with Sim 'Nedmonds is a #&?!' Gear and Motor 'Holy-Plumbbob-get-a-bit-of-cash-out-your-back-pocket-and-travel-somewhere-other-than-your-test-track' Maniacs? Apart from the views I've just expressed is the fact that (or better to say the opinion that) we believe they lack that certain something. All we'll say is that RPM is very unique and although our segments can be very immature and riddled with banter, it's actually my most ambitious project where I've been most serious. When a test is conducted, we make them so you can experience it from your perspective, and not ours. We want to entertain you, as well as helping you find your next or maybe future car(s).



We cannot define our taste for cars enough. Do we prefer the classics, the gas guzzling supercars or the environmentalist's Suzawa for the woman named Agatha? I and my co-presenters each have our different tastes, especially if one's Fauch, although, it must be said, he's still getting settled in Denland, but if you have a bit of Fauch lingo up your back sleeve don't mention the world 'tjockis' to him, since it describes his father in great depth. And when I say big, I mean it.



Luke 'I-talk-to-the-floor-it's-the-only-thing-that-listens-to-me' Enfield and Michael 'I-like-Nedmonds-but-I-don't-like-looking-like-him' Simmons have been on-site guiding us towards making this show as good as it can be! There's still a bit of rage over why Enfield sacked me over Nedmonds (my arch rival for all you younger viewers in case you didn't know), but when he hired me for this show I was what could only be described as chuffing delighted. I agree, Crimson Media is getting along mighty fine after it's mixed-viewed approach towards the first three series of Sim 'Nedmonds is a #&?!' Gear and Evil Born Evil, now this is the oppurtunity to prove all those wrong who underestimated him. To be honest you can't praise him for this anyway, it was mostly down to me and Hans. Warren was clashing with his idiotic dress rehearsals for Denland's Got 'No-useful...' Talent 'what-so-ever-but-just-cheesy-cabouret-acts-who-can't-act-for-butter'. See also: Denland's Got Talent. Even I have to present a radio show in the morning for my fellow Northerners of Sinnerminster!



If you're willing to see the first episode, note this date for your diary or calendar and sit back, because you're in for one hell of a ride next Wednesday! I hope you enjoy it as much I do! See you then!

[size=50]Views expressed are only those of mine and not of Crimson Media or anybody's of HB5. Yes Arthur, I don't like you that much.[/size]

[size=200]"The Final Preparations"[/size]
12.03.12
Featuring Nathan Radcliff and Luke Enfield, Presenter and Executive Producer



Nathan: Hello viewers and welcome to our very first RPM blog video, or vlog if you prefer, or video blog, or vlog blog video. Anyway! It's just days before the first episode of RPM is released to the entire population of Alterra...
Luke: Well not really Nathan, if you remember I had said I hadn't the cash just yet to broadcast it to every 10 billion Alterrans just yet. It won't go as far as Denland for the time being.
Nathan: Yes, it's exclusive to Denland, but as this is for all you who are watching this now in other countries you've probably just been given the urge to torrent it, so as for all you torrentists out there you've clearly found a way of bypassing that there.
Luke: It saves me money, let's put it that way. If people torrent the show I don't need to whip my cash out my back pocket for the fatso's in Marvega while they have a computer and an urge to disobey the law... I don't mind that, ok?
Nathan: Of course, we don't encourage torrents in any way shape or form, since they are illegal I'd like to point out...
Luke: Hmm.
Nathan: But they're good for the sake of Crimson Media.
Luke: And fat Marvegans.



Nathan: Definitely. And ah, speaking of which, I think this is where we discuss what's to expect in the first episode, don't you think, Luke?
Luke: Hmm yes, indeed.
Nathan: For all those of you who don't know already Warren does indeed visit Marvega to visit the fat people... and for some reason, we simply don't know why!
Luke: You don't know why he went to Marvega?
Nathan: No, do you?
Luke: Not really, although I think you were a bit harsh on him in filming.
Nathan: How come!? If a Smoogo becomes Marvegan it will be shitter than it already is, no?
Luke: Firstly I'd like you to apologize for swearing on my blog which is ok for Denevian people to hear, but oh no, I've just realised - this video is broadcasted to the entire of Alterra since its on the arcanet. Do you think the Semoviets would like to hear that, huh?
Nathan: Oh whatever. So yes, Warren makes a fool of himself in the UMC, while Hans and I have a bloody good time in two marvelous motors.



Luke: Oh indeed. It was a fun day filming that, most definitely.
Nathan: We thrash the two ultimate rivals round a track together - the Dover Meriteer and the Sanders Baron. It was great fun. I'll be honest its the most fun thing I've ever done in my whole entire career.
Luke: Better than crashing a Dalis into a pond on purpose Nathan?
Nathan: Hey! Now! It's better we never spoke about that ever again.
Luke: One of the reasons why you was replaced by...
Nathan: I KNOW! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY NEXT! Don't think about it sunshine!
Luke: Oh ok. Sorry boss!
Nathan: Yes, that's more like it! Anyway, we have a chuffing good time there and, well, apart from Warren's segment, it's a pretty good first show.
Luke: It is, I'm pretty pleased with it if I'm to be honest.
Nathan: Obviously it gets better, the first episode is more introductory than anything anyway. There's a bit of fannying about in the studio before we actually get the chance to move on to the motoring side of things.
Luke: You've been smoking haven't you?
Nathan: What!?



Luke: I told you that you didn't put that bloody fag out properly before we began filming!
Nathan: That's... not mine. I quit smoking last Tuesday remember?
Luke: Really?
Nathan: Yeah, I did! It was a target of mine to stop before RPM debuted. You know, I wanted to be prepared good and proper for it! I wasn't going to let my smoking habit get in my way!
Luke: I don't believe you. There's still a cigarette in here and it can only be you or Charlie the cameraman.
Nathan: It was Charlie.
Charlie: Huh?



Luke: Ahem, Charlie, get on with the job in hand please.
Charlie: Sorry.
Luke: And meanwhile I've just brought along my sensbile briefcase and my sensible umbrella.
Nathan: Umbrella? Its not raining...
Luke: Well it was before I had arrived.
Nathan: Oh. But it's not raining now, why do you need to drag your soaking wet umbrella onto this lovely new carpet we had fitted only three weeks ago?
Luke: Why did you bring in a cigarette to gas the room with tobacco? I'm no passive smoker you know so either you remove it out of here at once or I'll sack you.
Nathan: (Sigh) You wouldn't do such a thing!
Luke: I would, it's a health and safety hazard!



Nathan: A safety hazard my arse!
Luke: Look, we must move swiftly on now, since it's time we made the final preperations, we must close this first video blog, vlog thingy.
Nathan: Sure. So it's RPM on Wednesday, don't miss it. Uhm, well, it's going to be chuffing good! Well, I think it was, and you should too.
Luke: Absolutely. And before we go, I'd just like to shout out to the 'boys' in The Wasteland somewhere in the UMC, and all the other cast members of Kings Of The Desert, they're obviously going to be a member of the torrentists' club, so hello to them...
Nathan: I'm baffled how they've not been recognized out there yet if they're on TV...
Luke: And also, the usual ones, Bernie, Gabriel... you're out there too, hello too!
Nathan: Ugh. Motor Maniacs and Sim Gear?
Luke: Yes, we'll end now before Nathan rants about his relations between Arthur Nedmonds and how he never got a job on Motor Maniacs.
Nathan: I didn't go there, simply because I wanted to be here.
Luke: Anyway, we'll see you on Wednesday, hope you enjoy it, goodbye!
Nathan: No, I'LL SEE them on Wednesday Luke, you won't. You're behind the camera.
Luke: Oh, whatever.

[size=200]"I'm the man who is rather important, but not so important, but as equally important."[/size]
13.03.12
Written by Mike Simmons, Director



That's right. Mike Simmons is my name, and I've met a few of you before, although not the petrolhead masses as opposed to the junkies of the all-action TV police series Evil Born Evil. Being the director for this show, I believe, is just as important as a job as Enfield's for producing the show. I'm also the vice-chairman of Crimson Media, of which all stuff goes down in which you can't see. I don't mean to be arrogant but, I do believe I'm slightly under-rated. Hopefully RPM will be a new lease of life and of my career, so I can begin to work up the ranks and see my face on the front of all the magazines about my battle against Enfield to be top dog. No, not really. I've been accustomed to writing this final blog entry before the supposedly huge debut of the show tomorrow evening. I've been asked to do this, but I don't know sod all about what I have to write about, and who for.



For the photo shoot these complete imbeciles gave me a clipboard and a candle to hold. The clipboard to resemble me and my job, and the candle to resemble me leading the way as lead director of the show. I must say, RPM has been much easier to direct than Evil Born Evil, and much more fun too. Jefferson Ashworth of Eebers was a complete and utter imbecile while Nathan Radcliff is rather funny and entertaining. Hans Thunberg, although Fauch, is much easier to understand than the Arazian famous actor Quirino Santo. And openly bisexual Warren Fox is more easier to handle than Alannis Episcopa, although strangely enough, her dating men and WOMEN is quite pleasant to think about. It's a very strange feeling, but certainly satisfying. Anyway, yes, the show is going good, and we're making good progress and Luke has some great plans for future episodes. Of course, I can't guarantee that, because that would be boasting, and we're like the Dover adverts of the 80's. We let you judge, not us. We're many things but arrogant certainly isn't one of them.



To stay on the topic of Dover, I had noticed the studio looked a bit bland throughout its early development, so donated my wonderful old Dover Seurope Estate for the good of the viewers at home. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a reason for me to be noticed. I'm kind, caring, and put you, the viewer first. I don't think what I think, I like to think about what you're going to think. RPM debuts tomorrow on HB5, don't miss it.

[size=200]"So, it looks like we'll hang around for a little while then, thanks. "[/size]
19.03.12
Featuring Hans Thunberg and RPM Dog, Presenter and erm... well, RPM's Dog.



Hans: Ok, right, that's you ready. Your collar is on right, we're ready to roll. Oh, we are already? Oh right, ok then! Just stay there mate, yeah?
RPM Dog: (Barks)
Hans: Ok, yes I know, I'll feed you afterwards.



Hans: So yes beautiful people, hello and welcome to the second installment of the infamous RPM blog! Or, is it really that bad? After last week's feedback towards the episode wasn't bad at all, it seems that I've joined a good show and possibly, RPM will be round for a long time, because people obviously like it and want to keep it going. There were some mixed views regarding us presenters though, such as from Warren being the hippy and the one who most likely smoked drugs with Teddy Harmer to him being the most unique of us all! We had Nathan from being a loud and arrogant bastard to a very drunken woman who proposed to him on the arcanet. There was the 'Aww RPM dog is so cute bless x', but no sign of any comment on me!



Hans: This obviously made me rather upset. It isn't because I'm Fauch is it? We love Denevian people, and we hope they love us too. Anyway, now's a chance for you to get to know me much more when Nathan, Warren and I head to Rodford, testing Semoonistical cars. It was a great trip and much better than heading to Marvega with Warren.



Hans: Indeed, and...
RPM Dog: (Barks vigorously)
Hans: (Sighs) Oh, ok RPM Dog. Be quiet!
RPM Dog: (Barks)
Hans: Oh, please don't tell me he wants to snatch that cameraman again! Take him off the screen, please. Take him away!



Hans: Now, as I was saying, this weeks shows us visting Rodford on an epic road trip, in which everything kicks off for real on the show, because it's our first challenge, and indeed the first of many. Now, I can't tell you much enough to spoil because Enfield always likes to keep his mouth shut, but all I'll say is that it's very enjoyable for me, personally, and it's especially good since we head to an auction house, and I discover a lot of Denland in more depth, so I enjoy it very much.



Hans: And well, there's not much more to say, you'll have to wait and see as to how good of an episode it is, but we're certain it's better than the last. Join us on Wednesday for the second episode, see you then, goodbye!

[size=200]"We're sorry, we're too useless to be on TV... "[/size]
25.03.12
Featuring Nathan Radcliff and Hans Thunberg, presenters.





Nathan: Hello and welcome to this week's vlog video blog thingy once again, before the big show on Wednesday! I'm Nathan Radcliff, as I guess you all know...



Hans: And I'm Hans Thunberg, as I guess you don't know...



Nathan: And first and foremost, you may wonder why we're here instead of not in the comfort of the studio. Well, we've been asked to keep clear because last week after filming some small traces of asbestos were detected in the studio which prevented us from going in there today... because apparently it's too dangerous.
Hans: Yeah, exactly. And we've been filming in there for weeks, as if it's going to intoxicate us!
Nathan: Yeah well, but, at least we can't die no matter what, it could well intoxicate the removal men, and always remember Hans, they went in there for our sake, they went in there to put their lifes on the line to prevents ours from being lost!
Hans: Yeah, ok. Whatever. Anyway, we've came out here into the carpark, in the comfort of Warren's very own Dover Blizzard.
Nathan: Hmm, and we're not aloud to eat snacks in it he says. He's left it here while he does yet more rehearsals for Denland's Got No Talent, and we've nowhere else to go.
Hans: And I can't go without eating a chocolate bar every day, it always gave me energy in my rallying days. Banana's too.
Nathan: Maybe you should eat a banana then.
Hans: No, I'm a chocoholic. And most of the banana's I find in Denland are horrible, with bruises and they're all soft and soggy. Unlike Denevian PEOPLE of course, they're beauitful. No offence towards you though, your banana's aren't so beautiful.
Nathan: There's better strawberries from where we come from...
Hans: Yes anyway...



Nathan: But also, as many of you are aware, there is another reason why we're out here.
Hans: Now they're are beautiful Denevian people, but I must admit, some, not beautiful enough, especially in the shape of RPM's former director Michael Simmons.
Nathan: That's right, he did something wrong. We can't really talk of it, but you all know already so it's best we leave it there. But we've lost him, and we're failing already, so this is really an appeal...
Hans: Yes, if you'd like to give us a job, that would be great, since we're all going to be made redundant come this time next week...
Nathan: Well yes, only if we don't get a new director...
Hans: Let's just face it. We're sorry, we're too useless for TV. Me especially, since this is my first proper TV show.
Nathan: Oh you was on Rally Academy wasn't you?
Hans: Yes, it was axed after its first series. So, I'm useless.
Nathan: Yeah...
Hans: What about you before RPM?
Nathan: I was on a gameshow... which also got axed after its first series.
Hans: Yeah... oh well.
Nathan: So, it's pretty evident then, that you're useless.
Hans: And you're useless...



Nathan: Yep...
Hans: (Pulls a brave face) BUT WE SHALL NOT GIVE IN LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
Nathan: Oh no bitches! We're staying put thanks to you! Views for the first two episodes have been staggering and we're pleased to report that RPM is a success.
Hans: Indeed!
Nathan: And to celebrate, for those of you who have been reading the RPM Blog from early on, shall realise that Mike Simmons donated his Dover Seurope to us! So, we're going to give YOU the choice...
Hans: Yes, you! The beautiful man, the beautiful woman, the beautiful Denevian child... the beautiful Denevian dog! The beautiful Denevian cat! We're asking YOU to ask our question and determine the fate of that Seurope!
Nathan: That Seurope is most definitely a good car, and in good condition, but face it, it belongs to that crook Simmons! So, we're asking you at home... should we sell it?
Hans: Boring...
Nathan: Should we keep it?
Hans: Ugh.
Nathan: Or shall, WE TORCH IT?
Hans: (Chants) TORCH IT! TORCH IT! TORCH IT!



Nathan: It's entirely up to you! Comment bellow you Arcanet freaks! Woo!
Hans: I'm in the mood today!
Nathan: Oh yeah bitch!
Hans: And also, in case you didn't already know... RPM will be back on Wednesday with its third episode!
Nathan: We go to an amazing car dealership to find some great used car deals!
Hans: WOO!
Nathan: But Warren completely loses the plot again and goes to Shellas and meets some yobs.
Hans: Are they armed this time?
Nathan: No, they're on quad bikes.
Hans: That's even worse...
Nathan: Most definitely. Please join us then, but until then, goodbye!
Hans: Farewell beautiful people!

[size=200]"The dreaded Thalassa can't even keep away from us "[/size]
02.04.12
Featuring Nathan Radcliff and Donovan Walker, Presenter and Motor Maniacs mule.



Nathan: Hello and welcome to another vlog episode entry blog thing from us at RPM! Now, as many of you who weren't watching the football and were actually watching RPM last week will know that it was utter s***e, and so with it on behalf of all the team, I'd like to apologize. Never mind, there will be a proper apology in the show heading your way for Wednesday, and with a new director, I'll be honest, I doubt it will upset anyone. It really opened our eyes up from what the media echoed about last weeks episode, and this episode is an exception. I can be honest, it was the most fun road trip I've had in my life, with two men I don't know about much yet. It is a brilliant episode in our eyes, but things in your eyes matter differently.



Nathan: Anyway! You may wonder from last week that we asked you Arcanet junkies watching our vlog to vote for the fate of our former director's car here, its a dark blue Dover Seurope estate, a fantastic colour, still in good condition, and no, it doesn't have any hidden lingerie. Fortunately, or unfortunately for those of you who voted for this option, torching it was not the solution. Thanks to some Marvegan Tic-Toc addicts, see also the members of The Wasteland in the hugely popular Marvegan NSB1 show Kings Of The Desert, were voting like mad in order to see this poor vehicle burn. And then, an idiot named Bernie Rickard decided that he wanted to buy it, and he got everybody of estate owners clubs, Dover clubs and even the prime minister I believe, to vote in honour of NOT torching this Seurope. And so we've sold it to him, and we're expecting him to turn up any minute now... in fact, I can hear an engine... something's approaching. What could it possibly be?



Nathan: Oh bloody hell, please tell me thats not stopping here...



Nathan: (Sighs)



Donny: Morning.
Nathan: Good Morning, Donny.



Donny: Come here my man! How are you?
Nathan: Not bad thanks, Donny. And you?
Donny: Couldn't be better, as a matter of fact.



Nathan: So, what brings you here today then? Where's Mr. Rickard?
Donny: He's busy working back at Rickard Studio, so he sends me here to do the pick up for him...
Nathan: Ok, I see.
Donny: So, where is it?
Nathan: It's over there.
Donny: Nice ... Well, I won't keep you waiting, I'm going to go.



Nathan: Hang on, who's going to drive your Thalassa back to Granton?
Donny: Oh and, before I answer that, go easy on Granton in your roadtest, alright? It's that rural, but it's nice to live there.
Nathan: Alright, alright. We won't mock it, I promise.
Donny: Really?
Nathan: Yes.
Donny: Excellent!



Nathan: And so, as I was saying, who's going to drive the Thalassa?
Donny: Duh! I'm driving it, I won't let anybody else drive it, Maybe I'll let my mother drive it, but she isn't here now.
Nathan: Well, you can't pick the Seurope up if you have no one to collect it!
Donny: I thought you have some hired driver for us.
Nathan: Ah nice try, but not today sunshine. We ain't doing dirty work for a rival show...
Donny: Alright, Then I'm going back to Granton without it.
Nathan: Now, that would upset Bernie.
Donny : I don't give a flying toss.
Nathan: Look, if you're looking for someone to give you a hand... we may just have someone...
Donny: You don't say!
Nathan: Yes, we have in fact.



Nathan: Ok, he's just getting ready, he'll be here in a moment.
Donny: Alright Nathan, this better be good. Bernie's not going to be too happy if it's A: A member of The Wasteland, B: An Anti-Estate protestor, C: A complete and utter oaf or D: Mike Wilkinson. He drives like crazy, that man!
Nathan: Well, here he comes!



Donny: ... A cripple.
Nathan: Yes, most certainly, but don't worry, he'll be just fine. It's his leg he broke, not his foot. So he should be able to drive.
Donny: How's he going to get in and out?
Nathan: He'll be fine, just give him a hand and be kind like we know you all are Donny. And don't worry, the leg that's broken is the one that's used for braking, and he'll be accelerating more than braking. And thanks to the Seurope's automatic gearbox, he won't need to spare a foot to operate the clutch! Haha!
Donny: And how's he going to come back here? I'm not going to drive him back. And nobody is going to drive him back.
Nathan: He'll have to catch a bus somewhere then, Call us when you get there if you please. Bye!
Donny: Okay then! Bye!



Nathan: Join us on Wednesday when we're testing family estate cars, in which it's bloody good fun, we all have a great laugh, and it's all-round just a brilliant episode. Warren conducts another car test, and luckily, it's not in Shellas, and luckily, it's not a new car test! We'll see you then, goodbye!

[size=150]"You learn from your mistakes..."[/size]

[size=150]Hello great people of the Garage. Many of you may have noticed that the recent episode of RPM hasn't arrived. I was busy last week, and busy this weekend, but with my freetime otherwise it should have been with us already. And I apologize for it, but there is a good reason.

I began RPM in a hope that I could show people my new camera work skills, and of course the picture quality, as a little taster of what's to expect in terms of quality from myself and Crimson Media in the future. I'm pretty pleased that it had worked, but mixed comments are kind of telling me that I'm much better off sticking to writing fiction. We started off the trend here at the Garage with Evil Born Evil, and I'd rather continue it to the best standard I most possibly can, with some other varied TV show/movie ideas. Don't think that I won't write non-fictional series ever again, or with my various TV/Movie ideas based upon real Alterran events. Of course, the Alterran Lore section is a lot in favour of that matter too.

But maybe I was stupid, maybe I was wrong. But I don't have the enthusiasm to write RPM anymore. It's not anything related to the cars, I couldn't have ever thought of a better TV show topic, hence why we brought Sim Gear to you originally. I can still look back and be proud of the fact that I made Sim Gear into the show that it was today but quite frankly RPM was a desperate and pointless approach to the world of Alterran motoring journalism. Although last episode wasn't groundbreaking, it still was the one I was most proud of, and with it finishing on a high note, I'd like to leave it there. Three of all four episodes I was proud of, because the quality was good, the writing was for me too something I was proud of. And it's about the quality, not the quantity. I can't go on to produce more episodes if they're not going to be up to the standard of the previous episodes because of my lack of enthusiasm. I've most certainly learnt from this that I'll never begin a project again without the intention of finishing it. I just feel fiction allows me to express myself more and give a much more warming and emotional feeling to the viewer, and I just simply can't get bored of fiction because it can be different every week you write it. Non-fiction though stays always on the same topic and can vary, but not vary much as I'd like. I hope that most of you are to understand what I'm saying and I do apologize for this inconvenience and the end to a TV show that was quite liked by you all.

Now that this is off my chest though, I can continue to make what I enjoy producing, and give my maximum efforts to my future projects. Alterra needs developing, and full credit to all motor show writers and producers but I believe it is becoming an aging trend. We must turn our attention more to the world that we live on - Alterra. I as chief of Altermedia and the rest of us will most definitely assure that we will develop this planet into something that will be remembered for a long time.

Thank you and bless you all, good Alterrans ;-) [/size]