episode for: Now I remember, the Kings of the Dessert episode where they do a classic car race was planned for episode 5 before the show's cancellation. FUN FACT: Vladimir Putin was driving a Vrad Rua back when I was too young to know he was Russia's pres

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[size=200]RPM[/size]
Series: 01
Episode: 04
Written by: Luke Enfield
Produced by: Crimson Media
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[warning]AGE RATING: 12+
CONTAINS: STRONG LANGUAGE, ADULT HUMOUR[/warning]


Nathan: On tonight's episode of RPM... Warren washes some pots in a sink!



Nathan: ...and there's a cat.





(Crowd cheers)

Nathan: Hello... hello and welcome to another episode of RPM! Thank you, thank you very much audience! Now last weeks episode resulted in even more controversy over the Denevian media, and some of the views expressed last week offended many people, and our former director is a key point to blame for the shamefulness of last week. We try to be humourous everytime but from all of our seriousness, some of us took it a little far last week and on behalf of all of us, I'd like to apologize.

(Crowd applauses)

Nathan: Yes, thank you. It had to come sometime and we couldn't hide it from anyone. Warren apologizes especially for his Starlight test which let's say, was awful regardless of him giving Landwhale and Yomoshoto his biased opinion, since he went to Shellas, which is not Denland.

(Crowd laughs)

Nathan: Anyway, without further ado, it's time to get on with the show tonight. And with a new director, things have been put right and I can assure you that tonight's episode will go down in history, well, at least among us. When discussing plans on the production company's business meeting in Maulinia - Paco... a lovely guy I'll say, thought up of the idea where we all go out and find a family estate car that best suits a family. So, we accepted this challenge and was given §2,500 to buy any family estate we could. Already, some fat juicy consumer advice is guaranteed to come your way as you may have well guessed, including me in some swimming trunks.

(Crowd laughs)



Hans: Following the typical early-bird Fauch tradition, I arrived early since I had nothing better to do, and with it, I was the first to arrive.



Hans: Well, morning. I should be saying afternoon but we said back at home 'Better being early than never'. Right you are grandma, bless her soul... Anyway. I've bought this with my §2,500. It's a BNB Excalibur Mk3... the estate model I must point out.



Hans: It's rather small for your typical station wagon, but in 1984, came with everything a family could ever wish for. It's Maulinian at heart thanks to the boffins at Lelion HQ, but it's still got that strong Cohnarite feel, that BNB feel, with the homely interior and the unique looks that you don't see on any other car. It was a strong contender in the 1984 TSA and came very close to winning for sure, so whatever Radcliff and Fox come in, they're facing a force to be reckoned with! Haha!



Hans: To follow was another BNB... driven by Warren.



Warren: 'Ay up Hans. How are you?
Hans: I beg your pardon?
Warren: Uhm, hello Hans.
Hans: Oh, hello. I'm not bad thanks. You?
Warren: I'm good as always. I see you've brought with you today, a BNB?
Hans: Indeed I have. I see you've done the same.
Warren: Maulinian at heart, this is a BNB likewise. And a bloody good one for that matter too. It's one of the most under-rated yet iconic BNB's ever produced, and I've brought it here today to prove just that.
Hans: Righto then. It should be a very enjoyable day, believe you me.
Warren: I'm certain of that.



Warren: So, what made you think about the Excalibur Mk3 of all BNB's?
Hans: Since it's much under-rated like your Ginevra and I particuarly had a thing for this car growing up as a young boy. It's certainly not a sex bomb, but it does indeed look unique and that's what lit the flame for me.
Warren: You know that's exactly what I thought when choosing the Ginevra?
Hans: Oh really?
Warren: Yeah.
Hans: It seems today then that we're going to have a road trip of a lifetime that will please critics very much.
Warren: Thanks to these two beautiful BNB's and our new Azarian director. RPM shall have ratings so high it will be unmatched by Sim Gear and Motor Maniacs.
Hans: And maybe even Denland's Got Talent, yes Warren?
Warren: Uhm...
Hans: Didn't think you'd like to comment on that one, haha! (Chuckles)
Warren: Whatever. Let's just wait for Radcliff and hope he's chosen a BNB too.
Hans: If he's following the pattern, what do you think he'd come in?
Warren: A BNB New Sigfrid.
Hans: That's not an estate.
Warren: Oh yes, I completely forgot this is for ESTATES!
Hans: Don't get carried away Warren, this isn't entirely for BNB's.
Warren: It would be nice if it was.



Hans: If it's going to be a BNB it must be post-1982, therefore it's going to be a Lelion at heart.
Warren: It could well be a BNB Breogan, if he's lucky enough to buy one of them with the money we've each recieved.
Hans: Nah, I strongly doubt it.
Warren: No, you're thinking of the Breton. Sure, he couldn't afford one of them, but a '51 or '02 reg Breogan won't cost you much over §2,500...
Hans: No, I AM talking about the Breogan. He can't afford one of them with §2,500. They're at least §3,500 - §4,500 nowadays.
Warren: Rubbish. He's not going to buy one in best condition though if he's following our pattern?
Hans: Oh, the chances are nil he'll turn up in a Breton or a Breogan.



Nathan: And indeed they were.



Nathan: Chaps, watch out, 'cos there's a Blizzard about!



Nathan: So what on Alterra possesed you to buy two Maulinian boxes?
Warren: Ah ah ah! Come on now, what are the critics going to say when you're saying things like that in front of millions?
Nathan: Thousands Warren, thousands. This is only HB5.
Hans: Now you've probably lost your job thanks to that.
Nathan: Relax...
Warren: RPM is one of the very few reasons people actually turn over to watch HB5 Nathan, so I should think yourself lucky.
Nathan: Never mind. I've done this properly and got a Dover Blizzard, an estate as you've guessed, and I believe that it will prove tough competition for your BNB's.
Hans: No, indeed. It's a brilliant car, and admittedly so are our Beeber's, so I think we're definitely in for a treat over the next 24-48 hours lads.
Warren: Oh absolutely. I can't wait to get going.
Nathan: Let's just do a quick round-up of the Blizzard before we hit the road. So, it may not be D-segment as fortunately as your car is Warren, but it is a C-segment like Hans, and from where I'm standing, I've no idea why. It should have competed with the likes of the Ginevra, but unfortunately it didn't. Tagged as the 'C-segment Meriteer', this was more in competition with Hans' Excalibur, while the Meriteer took on the Ginevra. As much good as Beeber's were, I think it's clear that the Dover's won that little battle.
Hans: Ah ah! We shall find out soon Nathan. I'm not entirely sure that you're right there. Both manufacturers put up a good fight and won their own battles from time to time. It's going to be an interesting one lads, let's hit the road.
Warren: I'm right behind you!
Nathan: Let's go...



Hans: Now, allow me to introduce you to the Excalibur for real. Although under-rated, particuarly today, it was renown as the first car developed following Lelion's ownership, which is why this car looked very much different to the likes of the Gaheris, so on and so forth, but it still had that unique feel to it that no Dover, no Smord or no Landwhale would ever have. And that's why I believe it's a good competitor for these series of challenges. Sure, Nathan's Blizzard is brilliant, but the BNB's are just bloody fantastic. Not in an awe-inspiring way, but they carry so much history, passion, thought and interesting facts you'd have to be mad to turn you back on one of these. It's just a brilliant, brilliant car.

(Car shudders)

Hans: Oh... no - that must have been my fault...



Warren: The Ginevra - originating from Marvega, moving swiftly over to Maulinia, and then brought to Cohnar to have a badge put on it... this is the real deal. With its 208bhp V6 OHC engine, this has indeed a rare engine you don't see much often, and it'd reach 142mph back in its day. Now, it'll probably not even reach half of that, but I suppose it's always worth a try later.



Nathan: Moving swiftly off the topic of BNB's which I'm sure Hans and Warren aren't, if you don't remember correctly I'd came in this - a Dover Blizzard. Based upon and meant to replace the equally as brilliant Dover Seurope, this was an ambitious project for Dover trying to remain as top dog in the C-segment market. Early on, it didn't look that way, until one day many flocked in and raped the dealers to have one of these, and fortunately in this day in age I didn't have to rape the dealer, so I got away just fine, and here she is, in black, looking beautfiul... there's no point running through the numbers if you know the specifications of the Seurope, but if you don't know the specifications of the Seurope, let me tell you these and then it'll also educate you as to what the specifications are for both the Blizzard and the Seurope! They both have a 1.6 4-cylinder engine which I believe is a double-overhead cam, producing 177bhp.





Nathan: Our first challenge was to drive from Selford to Gajur, to stay at a 4-star hotel reserved especially for each of us and the camera and production crew, following a day of getting to grips with our cars before following more challenges the following morning. We'd continue to follow the points system of Episode 2, however, points would be deducted for anyone who broke down. Five points would be deducted for breaking down but recovering, and two points would be awarded for breaking down and arriving last to the hotel.



Nathan: The interior indeed is very similar to the one of the Seurope, and from where I'm sitting I honestly didn't think there was a need to make any changes to it otherwise... it's tidy, it's not too confusing, and that's all you need...





Warren: Fortunately soon enough we'd managed to leave Selford and had already entered Queenswood, where we admired the wonderful looking houses, with our wonderful looking estates blending in nicely.



Warren: So, comments on the ride? It's smooth indeed, amazing by the 80's standards, even good by today's standards as a matter of fact. It feels like it absorbs every bump with its fantastic ahead-of-its-time double-wishbone suspension, even with its boxy looks you would have thought it wouldn't have coped great with these obstacles, although, the trouble is, it did, and very well indeed.



Nathan: You know... rock n' roll star Jenrod Kalmer had one of these, well, the HRS, but hey its close enough... anyway, he had said that driving the Blizzard was 'so f****** fun driving deep into the night and giving it the beans. It was wonderfuly simple and easy to handle, put a foot wrong and you laughed, reminding yourself of the fact that it'll barely cost a penny to repair'. Obviously that was what became the cherry on the top for the Siverpool Metropolitan Police who immediately arrested him following his other proposed allegations over groping a middle-aged woman and taking an overdose of Tic-Tocs, he was arrested for five years following the confession of going 128mph in a 30mph zone in a Dover Blizzard HRS... oh yes...



Hans: Now the interesting thing about the Excalibur is that our new director, out of coincidence was discussing this car the other day, of which he had one as a student at Lanterna State University. It was an amusing story, for sure. The clock battery was broke, meaning everytime he entered the car and switched the ignition on, it went back to 00:00 regardless of him fiddling with it, and he always used to get the upper hand of this oppurtunity by recording how long he'd been driving for from his apartment to University, and he used to try and beat his record every day. (Chuckles) Indeed, this car is reliable, but the Excalibur always had a reputation for a poor clock battery that couldn't be replaced by any of the downtown parts dealers... but miraculously, this one still works. It's slow, so it's definitely dying, but at least it hasn't died completely. I synchronized this an hour ago, and it's 2:56pm according to my watch while it's 2:32pm according to this clock. Oh dear...





Warren: Just leaving Sincoln, we had been on the road for a couple of hours now, and it was getting dark. And unsurprisingly, none of us had broken down yet.



Warren: I'm really looking forward to see what this hotel has to offer... and I'm genuinely excited to see what challenges we'll recieve tomorrow. This is guaranteed to be a better feature than that of the Semoonistical cars... and plus, we stop at a hotel and this whole trips lasts more than 24 hours! I guess you could class this then, as a 'holiday'!
Hans: Going good so far. The clock battery is really on death's door, I've had a warning light on for the best part of half an hour for a reason I don't know why, but apart from that, yeah, we're running smooth!



Hans: Now I think we take a right here...
Warren: Hans, left you idiot!



Hans: Evenutally, we'd arrived in Gajur, and in a couple of miles, we would have reached our hotel for the night.



Nathan: (Yawns) Ah... sorry, I'm tired. Very tired. I'm not getting up til' when I want tomorrow morning, I don't care if there's challenges.



Hans: The Excalibur running fine into the night... running very well for that matter too.



Warren: Ah, as the sun rises over in Nathan's beloved favourite country UFSR, the sun is fully set in Denland and we're about to turn in for the night at a wonderful hotel...



Hans: Overall then, the first day hadn't been amazing, following a few reliability issues from the Excalibur, nothing was too upsetting at all for any of us, no breakdowns, no bickering, no biased comments, well, apart from the odd few... this had been a trip which was beginning to shape up very nicely for me and my co-presenters, fortunately I may discover their soft sides.



Hans: ...thus reminding ourselves, that tomorrow would be a good day.



Hans: Ah, good morning viewers... I've just woke up to have a nice cup of tea. I had a wonderful sleep, the bed was almost as comfortable as the Excalibur's interior... and hmmm, this tea is better than back home... Oh! Morning guys! How did you sleep?



Nathan: Morning Hans, I got a jolly good night's sleep as a matter of fact...
Warren: I couldn't sleep a wink.
Nathan: Why?
Warren: I can't sleep in any other bed other than my own. I was hoping being it a 4-star hotel I'd get to sleep quick enough, but unfortunately I didn't, because the walls are thin, it was cold, and I could hear your snoring through them Jonathan.
Nathan: Don't call me Jonathan, you know how I hate being referred to as that. And I can't control my snoring if the watch doesn't do what it's meant to do.
Warren: A watch?



Nathan: Yes, I have a watch to kill my snoring. When I snore it sends an electrive wave up my arm to prevent my snoring, it has a button too for my wife to press when its not doing its job.
Hans: Inevitably then your wife sits in bed all night pressing it because you're a disreputable, vainglorious little oaf.
Warren: (Chuckles) I'm sure she'd agree with that one, Hans...
Nathan: Oh screw you both...
Warren: Haha!
Nathan: I was going to ask you how you slept Hans, but seeming as you've just said that, I won't ask now.
Hans: Oh ok.
Warren: So how did you sleep Hans?
Hans: Quite good thanks, Warren.
Nathan: (Sighs) Oh hell...



Hans: So tell me then, how have you got alcohol?
Nathan: Everything's booked and reserved, so therefore everything's free! Food, drinks, absolutely everything!
Warren: And it's not that crappy cheap wine and lager neither, you know, like the stuff you get at the co-ac corner shops... it's really good stuff.
Nathan: Ok Warren, we know you're a wine connoisseur but we don't really want to know that kind of stuff now. It's time we turned our attention the cars.
Hans: No, hang on a minute. We can't. I want to know why you're drinking, as we're getting back in the cars and driving later...
Nathan: Oh just the one won't hurt.
Hans: You want to bet?
Nathan: Sure, come on then. Let's bet.
Hans: No, I don't want to.
Nathan: What!? Why?
Hans: Keep your money, you might need it to pay for health care when your find yourself in a coma, following an accident with a bus.
Nathan: A bus? With whom?
Hans: That bus could have children on it. Do you think a child should live a short life only to be hit by a ginger man in a Dover? No, I didn't think so.
Nathan: Hey, now! I'm not ginger!



Warren: Oh you are ginger Nathan...
Nathan: It's strawberry blonde as a matter of fact. It's not ginger, my mother was blonde and my father had black hair.
Hans: Then you must have had Cohnarite origins?
Nathan: Nope, as far as I'm concerned, I don't have Cohnarite origins.
Warren: Then I know exactly why you're ginger.
Nathan: I'm not ginger!!!
Warren: Alright, ok. What I believe it is, is this, ok?
Nathan: Ok, go ahead.
Warren: So if none of your ancestors contributed to the gene pool with their red hair, then I'll ask you the question, how often did your parents have sex before they produced you?
Nathan: Well, I don't know.
Warren: Of course you don't. Because they didn't have sex enough, and the answer is clear. It's rust.
Nathan: I beg your pardon?
Warren: Your hair is rust, since they never had sex enough, you dig?
Hans: That's useless, Warren.
Nathan: Yeah, try another one, that was bad...
Warren: Oh well, I don't have anymore...



Nathan: Perhaps now then, I can ask you why your hair is brown?
Warren: I come from a family full of brunettes. There, at least I have an answer.
Nathan: And you're proud of it because it doesn't show the grease and dirt of your long and grubby hair.
Warren: Oh give it a rest. That wasn't funny at all. Stop flapping your gums and lets try and have a decent short weekend away together, and try and get to know each other rather than making up un-funny jokes about one another and bickering.
Nathan: But you clearly brought this on yourself!
Warren: Whatever. Let's just stop... and have a nice day, I don't want nobody upsetting us all, so just...
Nathan: I will, and so will you.
Warren: Just be quiet, ok?
Nathan: Ok, ok. Let's get dressed, go down for breakfast, and get going to our next destination.
Warren: I'll wash up the glasses.



Nathan: While Warren washed the pots, Hans and I reflected on the previous day of driving, and turned our attention towards our first day's performance.



Hans: So, the Excalibur then. Like I've said, it had a few reliability issues in the shape of the clock battery was knackered and I'd a few warning lights, it runs surprisingly smooth for its age, its done 125,000 miles almost, and yes, I quite enjoyed the ride from Selford to here.
Nathan: That's interesting. I would expect it to have completely failed on the way here...
Hans: It's just got a few problems, it's entirely normal for a car of 1987 to do so. Didn't yours have any?
Nathan: No, not at all. It runs nearly as well as it did back in its day. Absolutely simplistic, enjoyable, comfortable, and you can throw it around like no tomorrow, hit a post, repair the front bumper easily.
Hans: And you do realise that was Jenrod Kalmer said is now a tricky situation. There are fewer Dover Blizzard spares around now, things change with time Nathan, you have to accept that it was cheaper back in the 80s rather than it is now, and that is something fascinating, but realistically true.
Nathan: I suppose. It's a bloody good car though, and I don't think I'll bump into anything, giving it the beans when the rozzers aren't looking, me and Barry Blizzard are going to be just fine!
Hans: Oh, so you've a name for it now? Barry Blizzard!? What kind of name is that? Natalie Nadya was simply unbearable and Barry is just an awful name.
Nathan: It's a typical Denevian name, especially where I come from. I can assure you that a lump sum of staff employed at Dover Engineering Stillhon are called Barry.
Hans: Really?
Nathan: Yes, they are, in the same way that everybody who was employed at Forfas was called Hans or Sven.



Nathan: Eventually, after the bickering was over, all three of us made it downstairs to have breakfast.



Warren: What do you think to your meal, chaps?



Nathan: It's most definitely very scumptious, I like this place, and I most certainly wouldn't mind coming here again on a trip in the future.
Hans: Me too. All Denevian people are far too beautiful and this place is as well, it proves how nice they are to people and indeed us Fauch!
Nathan: (Weazy laugh) Partly because the people in the kitchen are all Fauch anyway...
Warren: Haha!
Hans: No, they're Denevian. The waitor was Denevian, and that's good enough for me thank you very much.



Nathan: So, chaps... what do you reckon we shall be doing today?
Hans: I don't know.
Warren: I just so happen to already know, as a matter of fact.
Hans: Oh well, that's not fair. Not good Denevian people...
Warren: No, hang on and wait. The producer tells me that we're to head to a school in Stillhon, and like the last challenge, the same applies, we get points deducted if we break down.
Nathan: Oh, that doesn't sound very promising...
Warren: It's a road trip, Nathan. We've just entered the next leg of that trip, you can't expect to do anything different other than travel all the time on this holiday, its what men with beards and sunglasses with huge walking sticks that they trip people up purposely with, and with huge backpacks, is what they call 'tourism'.
Hans: But we're not men with backpacks, beards, sunglasses and walking sticks are we?
Warren: No of course we're not you half-wit, but what we are doing is tourism as a collective term for our activities.
Hans: Oh.
Warren: Yes, oh.
Nathan: Ah no, hang on, wait a minute Hans, becuase if I'm right, I believe we travel on a motorway.
Warren: Yes we do.
Nathan: Let's go!
Warren: WOAH! Hang on, we've not finished yet!
Hans: I almost choked! Slow down!





Hans: Ah, it's a beautiful morning.
Warren: It most definitely is fine.
Nathan: Ah!
Warren: I've just noticed, neither of you have bothered to change clothes, are you mad?
Nathan: No! Don't be ridiculous!
Hans: These are designer clothes, and I don't have anything better, I'm on holiday remember.
Warren: You oafs.



Nathan: See you in the dreaded city of Stillhon, chaps.
Hans: Aha! Sure!
Warren: We'll be seeing each other before that if one of us breaks down!



Hans: Clearly adamant on reaching the school, we all set off, in a hope to make it there on time and in one piece.



Nathan: We're simply going to be massive idiots if one of us breaks down now... we well and truly are. And in Barry Blizzard, I can assure myself that it won't be me! Haha!



Hans: The good thing about an estate is that you feel a part of a massive environment in which everything you touch is yours...

(Gear change clunks)

Hans: Oh blast. Sorry, sorry! My fault admittedly...!



Warren: Running as smooth as two dogs breeding are we now! Look at the little Beeber go! I genuinely have delivered a passionate taste for this car. Indeed, when I woke up this morning I had the sudden urge to drive this thing, it gives me such a buzz. It's very fun, a smooth ride, and it's incredibly enjoyable. Without a doubt, I don't think I've made a mistake buying this.

(Taps the steering wheel)

Warren: She's done me good.



Nathan: These pedals are quite loose but it makes things much more fun. Despite this car's acceleration not being entirely phenomenal, just a tap of this pedal and you're going rather fast. It's good, enjoyable, and it's an absolute rocket ride. The police will simply be all over you if you weren't careful. See also - Jenrod Kalmer.



Nathan: All was going well early on, but as we'd all assured one another that we wouldn't break down, I'm afraid however someone was out to break that, and it was in the form of the good yet most unreliable car out of the three we had brought with us today.



Nathan: ...Hans' Excalibur. What's he slowing down for!?



Nathan: Thunberg.
Hans: Yes?
Nathan: Do you know what's just happened?



Hans: Yes. I've just broken down.
Nathan: Yes, but even worse.
Hans: What do you mean?
Nathan: Where have you broken down?
Hans: Well, on a motorway?
Nathan: Exactly. You've broke down on the worst possible place, a bloody motorway!



Hans: Well, sorry. It's better breaking down as close to the destination as you possibly can.
Nathan: By what, half a mile you blithering idiot?
Hans: Well, no.
Nathan: You complete and utter prat! I wanted to give it the beans on the motorway to see what Jenrod Kalmer really meant when he revealed his experience with the Dover Blizzard in the Rock On! Magazine Issue 243 of 1988. And you've ruined that moment!
Hans: Oh, I'm sorry, really I am. But you should stop putting yourself before others. How would you like it if you broke down on a motorway?
Nathan: But I...
Hans: Yes, I'm unfortunate too. I wanted to drive the Excalibur on the motorway, but at least I'm not ranting about it! You're ruining this experience again, this whole trip, just like you did in Sincoln. Please, just be quiet for once and let's all try and get along. We've broken down, we're stranded, and we're waiting for help. Right now things can't possibly get any worse.
Warren: He has a point, Nathan. Shut up.
Nathan: Fine, I won't talk for the remainder of the trip. How's that?
Hans: Oh come on mate, we didn't mean it like that.
Nathan: Your wish is my command, I shut my gob and you get on with the trip. Have a lovely time, go on, don't let me ruin it. From now on, you won't get a peep out of me.
Hans: Ok, fine. If you wish...



Warren: So, have you called for assistance, Hans?
Hans: Well, no.
Nathan: (Sighs) I'm going to watch the cars pass by...
Hans: I thought we won't hear anymore from you?
Nathan: And you won't. This is my last sentence.
Hans: Oh fine, suit yourself.
Warren: See you later, Jonathan.
Nathan: (Pulls an angry face)
Hans: Haha, and how are you going to express yourself now? You know you hate getting called that!
Nathan: Oh just piss off, the pair of you.



Warren: Fortunately for all of us, roadside assistance soon arrived in the form of err... a man.



Man: Oh uh, hello, one of you's must be the one who's ride just broke? I got my tools, Imma fix it up if you wish.
Hans: Oh yes, that would be me you're looking for.
Man: What's ya' problem?
Hans: I believe it's just overheated, that's all, and it won't get going again. It's leaking fluids all over, I suppose its simple repair, but I seriously don't know how to do it and we, as a trio, have got to get going soon.
Warren: Oh look, is that a pelican!?



Man: Excuse me, sir? That a Warren Fox I see?
Warren: Yes, you do. I am him certainly. Hello.
Man: Oh, Imma massive fan of yours. The name's Trevor.
Warren: Oh, hello Trevor.
Trevor: May I uh, have your autograph?
Warren: Well yes, I can't see why not.



Trevor: Well, thank you kindly.
Warren: It's no problem Trevor, it was all my pleasure.
Trevor: Now I'll repay your for that honour by fixing this wreck so you all can get going again. Where are you going exactly and who with?
Warren: My co-presenters.
Trevor: You what? You doing a road trip or something on Denland's Got Talent? Seeing who can drive the most economically or something to prove who has the environmentalistical talent?
Warren: Haha, no. It's RPM, with Jonathan Radcliff and Johannes Thunberg.
Trevor: Never heard of her.
Warren: No, Johannes. Not Joanna.
Trevor: Ah sorry, me hearing not so good today.
Warren: I bet it isn't. Oh well...





Hans: So finally, that man has decided to fix my car. Now that's cost us precious time with him blabbering on about Denland's Got Talent and getting his autograph, and I'm going to commit suicide because I can't take this anymore.



Hans: If you'd like to reserve your position as a presenter, of which I will no longer be come next Wednesday, please visit the RPM website on the beloved Arcanet and post on our vlog next week when we ask it in the show. But from me, goodbye.



Nathan: Fortunately, Hans didn't commit suicide, because the mechanic Trevor was a trained karate man and could easily disarm the knife he had in his hands, of which he was to slit his throat. No, not really. Anyway, the leak had been fixed, and it was time to get back on the road again!
Warren: Getting in. OH BUGGER! I banged my head. Sorry for my foul language, a mark down for the Ginevra there. Ouch, that hurt.



Nathan: And so this means now, that we can get the hammer down! Aggggggh! Jenrod you legend! You were right! Haha! 80mph!

]

(Audience applauses)

Nathan: Thank you! Thank you very much everyone! We shall indeed pick that story up later on but now, I believe it's time to hand over to you, Warren?



Warren: Indeed it is, thank you very much Nathan! Now, as you all know, I've conducted every one of this year's road tests to date, and they're already renown for being - abroad, and revolving around new cars.
Nathan: Yes, absolutely. In which you go to a country, drive it in a stupid test in which something gets blown up, you race something pointless or somebody fat and ugly has to get involved.

(Audience laughs)

Warren: Yes, well, I suppose that's one way of putting it, but this time, things would be different.
Hans: Oh really? So no one would injure themselves?
Warren: Where's your evidence of injured people in my roadtests?
Hans: I don't know. Nobody gets blown up, no?
Warren: No.
Hans: Nobody races you?
Warren: No.
Hans: You test a new car, I believe?
Warren: No.
Hans: You go to a foreign country?
Warren: Ah, no.
Nathan: Crikey, we're on a roll here. What medication have you had to cure your incompetence? Because whatever it is, I'd like to give that doctor who prescribed you with them pills a huge tip.
Hans: And, hang on... here's a question that'll make you think. Did you, conduct this test, with anybody other than yourself?
Warren: Yes.
Hans: Oh hell.
Nathan: Oh, Warren. You'll never learn.
Warren: No. Wait! I don't mean in terms of people.
Nathan: Well what do you mean then?
Warren: Let us just see.



Warren: Aww, would you just look at that!? That's so cute!



Warren: Ugh. Shoo, pussy cat. We don't need you around here. Now, we're going to take a ride in this - the BNB Sigfrid!



Warren: Oh and look! Now that bloody dreaded cats in the way again!

(Honks horn)



Warren: MOVE!



Warren: Oh, sod it. I don't have the time for this.



Warren: Oh, you can chase me from here to anywhere, you won't catch this thing!



Warren: The cat stopping there, basking in the magnificence of my Sigfrid...



Warren: And so, with me, Warren Paddy Fox Higgins here coming at you from this little machine... the 1961 BNB Sigfrid 1000 TL Notchback! And on purpose, I've chosen the bottom trim model just to show you how wonderful this is in all contexts. It has a 750cc air-cooled engine which produces only 47bhp from it's three cylinders. And that is, to be perfectly honest, tiny. What's so fascinating about this little car is that the engine had to be fitted at 45 degrees behind the two rear wheels, in order to fit. As if the engine wasn't small enough, the car wasn't neither enough to fit a three cylinder in it!

(Scrounging)

Warren: Also, this only weighed 475Kg, and regardless of that, I can honestly not understand why, it feels heavier.



RPM Dog: ...
Warren: Oh, look who's joined us from the back! It's our very own best friend, RPM Dog! Hello, Rumpers!
RPM Dog: ...
Warren: And so that's why it weighs more today! Because there's a reasonably fat man and a reasonably fat dog in it too! Isn't that right Rumpers?
RPM Dog: ...
Warren: Ah, no. I shouldn't have said that. You're not fat, you could lose a few pounds though...
RPM Dog: ...
Warren: I know, Rumpers. I know. Never mind, hey!?



Warren: Oh dear. We've reached a red light. Oh well, not to worry, hey Rumpers?
RPM Dog: ...
Warren: In the meantime, I'm really enjoying the ride in this. Since it's so small, you're low down too, and its low to the point where you feel as if the car is actually a part of the road, in the same way as a train is stuck to its tracks. You feel in complete control of this, and it's very nippy and great in a city like this, where your hitting traffic lights every five minutes and it would take you over an hour in reality to travel to your destination anywhere within the city of Selford.



Warren: Unsurprisingly, when we reached the town, the BNB didn't blend in very well. Now rather rare, it would take some eagle eyes to spot one of them. Especially taking into account the fact that they're almost invisible to the naked eye...



Warren: And with it's kart-like handling, when you turn a corner you feel turned mostly to the side you're not turning, the G-force is surprisingly more higher as opposed to a car with more power, but a go-kart, this and a Formula One car can all handle in a similar way. And that is really good, for a car of 1961 indeed. Obviously it being A-segment, it was bound to be fun. Without a doubt I'd choose this over the Dover Prior it competed against in that time. Unfortunately, the Prior had better sellings and BNB failed their quest to be top dog in the class.
RPM Dog: (Barks)
Warren: I know, it's a pity indeed, Rumpers!



Warren: And I think the traffic lights are going to move now, and that's in the meantime while everybody is looking at us. Are they looking at us for the reason that there's a handsome, young famous man in the driver's seat? Are they looking at it because there's a dog in the passenger seat? Or are they looking at it because it's a 1961 BNB Sigfrid?



Warren: With a car this iconic, as much smug as I am about my career, and I'm sure RPM Dog is too with his fame on RPM and being on TV, its clear that the BNB was the first thing to come into people's sight, and not the oaf driving it nor the dog alongside him. Regardless of the Prior's fantastic sellings, quite frankly they were both amazing cars. But, in my eyes, the Sigfrid was always the better of the two. And that, is that.



(Audience applauses)

Warren: Thank you! Thank you very much everybody!
Nathan: That was, in all honestly...
Warren: Crap, is that what you was going to say?
Nathan: No, not quite.
Warren: No, but not quite? So it was still bad?
Nathan: No, it was good. But where was the rest of it?
Warren: You know where it is, it'd been scrapped because the producers care more about the road trip as opposed to my film, so we had to cut it at the end.
Hans: Oh, that's disappointing.
Nathan: Don't make false accusations, Warren. That was a good road test, particuarlly mentioning the feeling of being part of the road. It is genuinely like driving a go kart?
Warren: Absolutely. It's very fun, and I would have more fun in that as opposed to my Sandrine.
Hans: Now that's something you don't hear everyday.
Nathan: No, most definitely not. Well, we saw then, that you didn't go to a different country.
Warren: Nope.
Nathan: You didn't blow something up or demolish a building...
Warren: Nope.
Nathan: You didn't test a new car.
Warren: Nope.
Nathan: But you did involve somebody other than yourself. You included a cat, and RPM Dog.
Warren: Hey, now hang on. The cat is not a person, and the annoying little creature got in my way when I was trying to leave the car park, and also, RPM Dog is a member of the team, you can't say anything like that about him!
Nathan: So...?
Warren: So? So what?
Hans: Never mind. It is indeed time to return to our film from earlier, in which after my break down, things aren't quite looking good for me, unlike where I won the Semoonistical cars challenge in flying colours! Anyway, we now rejoin the action where fortunately for Nathan and Warren, neither of them broke down following my misfortune, and we had all arrived at the school in question.



Warren: When arrived, our next challenge was to enter a classroom near towards home time, to whisk three lucky children away to a birthday party. Our estates being mainly aimed towards families, it was a test then of how quick they were to cater for a child's needs, and to determine whether they liked the car or not.



Teacher: Boys and girls you are very lucky today, because once the film is finished, we have some special guests that are going to visit you! Would you like that?
Class: YEAH!
Teacher: Are you ready?
Class: YEAH!



Nathan: Hello kids!
Hans: Hello beautiful people, how are you?
Warren: What's up kids?

(Silence)



Nathan: Oh, well that was some welcome. Thanks kids!
Teacher: Children, please give these guys a cheer, it's the cast of RPM!
Child: What's that, miss?
Hans: (Mutters to Warren) Oh dear.
Warren: (Mutters to Hans) Tell me about it...
Teacher: Anyway, they're here to talk to you about being on TV and how you can appear on TV with them very soon!



Hans: Once the lecturing and our unpopular incompetence rocked the classroom, we each set off with our child to the destination of a birthday party.



Hans: Warren got lost and headed us in the completely wrong direction, meaning we had to turn back round towards the school again, to the children's embarresment.



Hans: And what's worse, the traffic lights were on red too.



(Bump)

Nathan: Woops sorry! I genuinely locked up there, I didn't see that coming!



Hans: NATHAN! Oh, I'm sorry young man, I don't know what's got into my co-presenter these past few days. So, what's your name then?
Oliver: Uhm, Oliver.
Hans: Oliver, that's a very typical, and nice Denevian name! Be nice to your parents, because they gave you a nice name!
Oliver: I'll make my own decisions, thank you.
Hans: Well, I wasn't ordering, just insisting.
Oliver: You was what?
Hans: Never mind. Are you looking forward to this party?
Oliver: Yes...
Hans: Well you don't seem it.



Warren: So, are they friends of yours?
Mohammed: No.
Warren: That's good then. I couldn't have done too bad by heading in the wrong direction... could I?
Mohammed: ...
Warren: ...



Warren: Ah, finally. We're moving.
Nathan: To your relief, those little kiddies shall not see your face!
Hans: Wonderful. To the party we go!



Nathan: We all followed Warren for four miles along the train line, partly because it was a single carriageway and we had nowhere else to go. Eventually, we'd make our own way there, regardless of one another. And that came into perspective our skills around the city of Stillhon, of which I had a bit, but not much. And luckily for the cars, neither did Hans or Warren. Miraculously, we still had a rather fair test on our hands here.



Warren: Nice train! It think that's the Caliber 780, don't you think that Mohammed?
Mohammed: What's one of them?
Warren: The train that we just went past, surely you should have some train knowledge...?
Mohammed: No.
Warren: Car knowledge?
Mohammed: A bit.
Warren: Oh, so that means then that surely you'll know what this is?
Mohammed: No, I don't know old cars.
Warren: Aw, that's a shame. It's not that old, it's 1985 actually.
Mohammed: Oh.
Warren: And if you calculate that, that makes it something years old! You're younger than me, you still have an education, so go on, take a guess. How old does it make this car?
Mohammed: 27.
Warren: Woah! Good job whizz kid! If only I could work it out that quick!
Mohammed: ...
Warren: No, you won't talk? Ok...



Nathan: I think we could almost be there kiddo! You looking forward to this big party?
Chantelle: Yes, I am.
Nathan: I'm sure you will. Who's party is it?
Chantelle: A friend called Charlie.
Nathan: Oh Charlie, you know him well?
Chantelle: Yeah.
Nathan: More than well? Maybe you and Charlie are more than friends? Hmm?
Chantelle: No.
Nathan: No? Oh, you need to get a boyfriend now little lady before it's too late! I made that mistake finding a girlfriend when I was at school...
Chantelle: Really? Oh sorry.
Nathan: Yeah, and thank you. That's kind of you. It's not a good feeling. Luckily, the next week I found a new girlfriend...



Warren: Ooh, I think we're almost there! Let's hope we're the first.



Warren: Unfortunately, perhaps Nathan's experience around Sguildford had given him the upper hand, although, he was still quite useless. Yes, I'd been beaten.



Oliver: It's down there.
Hans: Sorry?
Oliver: You've just passed the party.
Hans: Oh have I? I'm terribly sorry.
Oliver: I'm sure it's down there...



Nathan: Hard luck, mate.
Warren: Thanks, I guess. Don't you reckon you had the upper hand?
Nathan: Definitely not. We got lost a lot, didn't we Chantelle?
Chantelle: Yep.
Nathan: And there's your proof.
Warren: I suppose this was entirely not in our favour, but at least we got here.



Nathan: Fortunately, Hans soon arrived, when it was getting dark... Hans! Where have you been? You're late!
Mohammed: Is Oliver upset that he was late to his best friend's party?
Hans: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise.
Nathan: That was surely not fashionably late, that was completely, utterly and insanely late. Be ashamed of yourself! You should be ashamed of yourself on behalf of the children you imbecile!
Mohammed: Maybe Oliver is upset.



Nathan: The party was kicking off and it all turned into a huge get-together involving the family of the child's birthday it was, his friends, us, and the production crew.
Charlie: Who did my party?
Luke: That was us who arranged it for you.
Oliver: Oh thank you, who are you?
Luke: Luke Enfield, business tycoon and founder and owner of Crimson Media.
Oliver: Oh.
Luke: And yes viewers, as well as TV shows, Crimson Media now caters for children's birthday parties, funeral wakes and wedding cakes!
Oliver: Really?
Luke: No, not the wedding cake bit. That was just to rhyme with the funeral wakes. Wedding parties!
Oliver: Oh!



Nathan: As the sun set and it became pretty dark, we decided to do what all dads that drive estates are dragged into at the end of a party...



Nathan: ... and join the children, in the pool.
Hans: GERONIMO!
Nathan: Hans, watch out for me you blithering idiot I don't want water up my...



Warren: This is simply amazing! It's cramped, but its definitely a way to end a road trip! (Chuckles)
Hans: Yes, these children are beautiful but there's too many of them... and the last time I was in a pool, it wasn't pretty.
Warren: Why?
Hans: Somebody peculiar happened. A boy stood next to me for a moment, then he turned towards me and told me that he'd urinated next to me as a prank.
Warren: Haha!
Hans: What's funny?
Warren: Nothing, it won't happen here though Hans, I can assure you.
Hans: Indeed! Denevian people are far too beautiful to do something ever so crude.



Nathan: Either way then, every car we'd brought with us for once had genuinely done us proud. Apart from a few mishaps with the Excalibur, admittedly we'd all fallen in love. And for all you critics...



(Sounds of fireworks)

Nathan: ...RPM knows how to put on a good show.



(Audience applauses)

Nathan: Thank you, thank you very much indeed!
Warren: Wow.
Hans: You think we really put on a good show!?
Nathan: It looks to be that way.
Hans: Alright, before we start arguing, its better to say that all cars were winners. Yes! Mine broke down, only once. But they all made the end and they all did a bloody good job.
Nathan: Hmm.
Warren: And now it is indeed time to tot up our scores. So, in the first challenge, we had to get from Selford to Gajur. Nobody broke down, and so we all gain ten points! How about that?
Hans: Yeah!
Nathan: That's good!

(Audience applauses)

Warren: Then came the second challenge, in which we had to drive from our hotel in Gajur, to reach Stillhon. Nathan and I both made it, which gives us ten points, and indeed Hans, you made it, but you broke down once, giving you five points.
Hans: Ah, that's ok. I can live with that. I'm sure I can still claw them back.
Nathan: Well you arrived last at the party so I can only conclude that you've lost entirely.
Warren: Hang on! Hang on... so, the next challenge, was to arrive at the party before anybody else. Nathan, you arrived first, so you get ten points.
Nathan: Thirty!
Warren: I arrived second giving me five, taking my total to twenty five.
Hans: And I came last giving me two, with a total of seventeen.
Warren: Yes.
Nathan: Indeed. You've lost.
Hans: I could still beat Warren.
Nathan: How come?



Warren: Hans is right. Because there was one more challenge, like last week, we have to turn our attention to the price of our cars. So, we each had §2,500 to spend, so the cheapest obviously picks up the ten points. So, if you're adamant on clawing back some points Hans, tell us how much yours cost.
Hans: §2100, mine cost.
Warren: Ok, you've got the lead.
Hans: Brilliant.
Warren: Just for now.

(Audience laughs)

Warren: Ok, now Nathan. Reveal all.
Nathan: Mine cost, §2200.
Hans: Ooh, I'm guaranteed five points, I've beaten you Nathan!
Nathan: Ok and so, Warren, yours must be the cheapest, or else you've not won.
Warren: Yes.
Nathan: Ok then, tell the ladies and gentlemen at home...
Hans: The beautiful people...
Nathan: Reveal to them, how much your car cost.
Warren: Ok. §1600.
Nathan: WHAT!?
Hans: Haha!

(Audience applauses)

Warren: Which means, I take ten points for mine being the cheapest, giving me thirty five points in total, to your thirty two Nathan, and Hans' dismal twenty two. Ha bloody ha!
Nathan: Hang on a minute...
Warren: No! I think you underestimated me Radcliff. You said I was useless for coming last in the previous challenge, and I arrive this time, in a brilliant BNB, and win!

(Audience applauses)

Nathan: Well, I can't really argue myself out of that one. I suppose then, you're not as idiotic as I thought you were, Warren.
Warren: Thank you.
Nathan: But you're going to have to get a hair cut though.
Warren: You cheeky sod!

(Audience laughs)



Hans: Oh dear.
Warren: Come here you ginger bafoon!
Nathan: I'm not ginger!
Hans: (Sigh) We go on a trip, try to get to know each other more, have a generally good time, be good friends, have a laugh, and then we return to Selford... to the studio, and this happens. Oh well, hopefully we won't see any of this next week, but my bets are on the case that there will. Never mind, join us next week when we hope not to offend anybody, only this episode has offended a man with peculiar hair, named Jonathan Radcliff. We'll see you next week when we host our own travel time radio show, so there's bound to be more bickering. If you're fed up of that, watch something else next week. Goodbye, and goodnight!