Episode 01 - Season 01 (Part 1)

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Kings Of The Desert: Beyond The Dust
Episode: 01-Season 1
Written by: Mark Davison and Theresa Cloverfield
Produced by: Moonstone Productions
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AGE RATING: 15+
CONTAINS: STRONG/MILD LANGUAGE, MODERATE VIOLENCE, MILD SUGGESTIVE THEMES, NICKY’S “FINE ART”, THE INSANE TRAIN (WITH SONG), CAPES AND ADVENTURE!!!
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Terri: Hi there! I’m Theresa Cloverfield. I work at Crimson Media as Personal Assistant to the Chairman,  Luke Enfield, but I’m also childhood friend of the Producer, Writer and Actor of Moonstone Productions-Mark Davison.



Miley: You say that as if it’s some sort of interestin’ thing to mention.
Terri: Well, it kind of explains why I’m here after all. Mark referred me over to Crimson Media too.
Miley: Was that ‘cause he wanted rid of ya’ so had ya’ moved to Denland where he’d get some peace?
Terri: Why you-!



Miley: Sorry, I should introduce myself to you folks. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Milo Herring-best known as DJ Wiley-Miley on MRLD Radio in Emerald City, number one rated DJ on the number one rated radio station in the whole of Kelderhope!



Terri: (Claps slowly and unenthusiastically) Well done, well done. You must be proud of yourself kid.
Miley: Kid!? I’m bloody twenty six thank you! How old are you then, Miss?
Terri: … Twenty two… But you’re still a DJ on low-rated radio?
Miley: You call the number one rated radio station in the whole of Kelderhope “LOW” rated!?
Terri: Kelderhope isn’t that big a state, and most of its towns are small or even uninhabited.
(Several sighs from the background)
Terri: Look what you’ve done now Milo! We’ve gone off-track already.
Miley: No big deal-these guys do it themselves all the time.
Terri: Back to the matter at hand. You find us in the office of Moonstone Productions for the first episode of Kings Of The Desert: Beyond The Dust. Essentially, this is a behind-the-scenes show, where we’ll have one episode after every season to discuss things from the characters, to the plotlines, to any little thing that the guys want to tell us too.
Miley: So, where do we start?



Terri: We start with the man himself, Mark Davison, and of course the well-known Christine Hart.
Miley: Y’know, I struggle to remember the last time I saw these two apart from one another.
Terri: Milo, that reminds me, why are YOU here at all?
Miley: Gave me something to fill spare slot time on the radio, as well as getting the show a bit extra publicity.
Terri: I don’t think it’s this show that needs publicity, but more likely to be an amateur radio station in the next town over.
Miley: You cocky little-!
Mark: That’s enough Miley.
Miley: You takin’ her side!?
Mark: Ssh!
Terri: Thanks Mark.
Mark: Not at all Terri.
Miley: Can I remind you, Mark, that you and Paddy wish to have your own office in the station’s building for your future official podcasting channel?
Mark: … Carry on Terri.
Terri: First of all… Why are we in the attic of the office?
Mark: Why not?… Ok, well, basically it’s to get out of the way of the builders who are water-proofing the building.
Terri: Ah, alright then.
Miley: It’s very gloomy in here.
Mark: We don’t exactly use this room often. But hey, that’s what you get from 1950s wooden mansions.
Terri: So, let’s get started. How did Moonstone Productions first come about?



Mark: Well, it all goes back to when I was in college back in my hometown of Neath all the way out in Denland. I was only studying maths and physics and that sort of thing. Numbers basically. I had a phase where I’d undertake a random hobby for no reason other than ‘cause I was bored and felt like I needed somethin’ new in my life.
Chrissie: Oh, so I bored you?
Mark: (Laughs) Of course not sweetheart. Anyway, one of these hobbies was to make fan animations for things, and upload them to the Arcanet, maybe get my own website goin’ and even if it wouldn’t become a career, at least I had a passion. Trouble was, whilst I could write the scripts and know how to animate, I couldn’t draw to save my life. Chrissie here opted to do the artwork for me and we were gonna’ do it as a joint-venture. But whilst Chrissie studied art in college and had plenty of resources, she didn’t have the time. The last thing I wanted was to cut into her time where she had to do her coursework and exams, so that kinda’ went out the window. In the end, I just stuck to writing scripts and nothing more. Until four years later, once I’d moved away from home and moved to The Wasteland, I was stuck with all these scripts-mostly random crap if I’m honest, very few people would understand them because they were parodies of existing fiction at the time, but with so many inside jokes and references that unless you were an avid fan of them shows, it would be too confusing.



Miley: (Yawns)
Terri: What a rude old man.
Miley: OLD!? I told you woman, I’m twenty six!
Terri: Kid or old man, which would you rather be?
Miley: … Fine!
Terri: I’m sorry about that Mark. So, you just had all these scripts for no reason?



Mark: Not quite. See, I might have done ok at college, but by that time I wasn’t on the greatest terms with my parents, so I opted to move out. But things were really bad that I felt I couldn’t get far enough away, so I came to the UMC. But what qualifications I DID have, weren’t really as highly regarded over here as those you would get from an education over here to start with. So, I took the plunge and turned the best of my scripts into novels, ended up having to sell them to libraries though because no one else wanted them. They still don’t, actually. A few of them did alright, Asylum Academy was probably one of my better works, but still wasn’t groundbreaking.
Terri: So your personal storyline in Kings Of The Desert is autobiographical?
Mark: Kind of. I mean, there’s a few differences. I met Chrissie in our first year of college instead of in high school, she was sixteen and I was seventeen. I had a lot of friends who did art as well as maths, so I used to hang around with them in the art room, where I was introduced to Chrissie through them. We grew on each other pretty quickly. Also, the whole moving to the UMC thing, I didn’t actually drop out of college, and the arguments with my family were more personal than that of college, but I moved out not a month after college and it wasn’t so much running away-it was more of a “screw you lot, I’m outta’ here” kind of thing. My moving was so sudden that in fact Chrissie didn’t actually come with me immediately, we had about two months where she was sorting things out before coming over and so we had to keep in touch as best as we could.
Chrissie: It put quite a bit of stress on everything, we became really distant having not seen each other for so long. But by the time I got everything green-lighted, and got myself here, I don’t think we spent a second in a different room from each other for about two weeks, making up on the time with each other we had lost.
Terri: Awww, that’s really sweet!
Miley: Yeah… Aw.



Miley: Can I chip in now?
Mark: As long as it’s a worthwhile comment.
Miley: So how did the show itself come about?



Mark: Well, me and Chrissie were watching the film The Wild and The Reckless, and there was this one scene inparticular that took place out in the desert on an old abandoned airfield where some of the main characters went to an annual drag racing event that took place over a week. I don’t know why, but the location itself was what caught my attention, how similar it was to The Wasteland itself. I started writing a series of scripts from then on, set in The Wasteland, using those of us who live in the town as characters, taking events from our lives and using them as the basis for the plotlines, and I turned a prologue of it into a short story which was the first work I’d done that was greatly received. I realised that I caught on to a brilliant idea.
Miley: So you went straight from scripts to a short story to a whole TV series?
Chrissie: Well Mark always liked his acting.
Mark: Yeah, I used to go to a drama club as a young kid, before my mam shot down my acting ambitions. In fact, I was discussing this with the gang, to see what they suggested.
Terri: The gang is your co-stars on Kings Of The Desert, right?
Mark: Yeah. Jamie said what I should do is make one giant novel out of it, and it would become a critically acclaimed publication in Alterra, whilst Lizzie said I should make them into chapters, release them one at a time and instead gain a cult following and fan bases. And then, for the first time in his life…
Miley: Nicky?
Mark: Yup.
Miley: Why am I not surprised it was him you were about to mention?
Mark: Well…



Nicky: YOU SHOULD BE ON TV!!!
Paddy: … Yes Nicky, that’s all fine ‘n’ dandy, but Mark’s askin’ us what to do with these scripts of his.
(Long silence)
Mark, Jamie, Paddy and Neil: That’s not a bad idea.



Miley: So the whole TV thing was actually Nicky’s idea?
Mark: I suppose so. Thing is, I knew we had to play ourselves, it was the best way to get the chemistry on-screen right, and for things to seem extremely authentic.
Chrissie: But a few of us were a bit reluctant about the idea.
Mark: I came up with the name for our own production company, automatically Paddy, Jamie, Neil and Nicky were all on-board. I didn’t even have to finish proposing the idea to Jenny, Alex and James to get them involved. It was only the likes of Lizzie, Chrissie, Kennedy and Julie-the more doubtful ones-who needed more convincing before they joined the team. In the end, we managed to get everyone in on this, and so that was where Moonstone was officially born… Kinda’. The few guys behind the scenes who do things like Quincy, Harry, Angela and Bruce, we know from various other places so they were easy enough to reach out to as well.
Miley: The magic’s gone now, I hope you realise.
Terri: Shut up.
Miley: No you shut up!
Mark: Ladies, please.
Terri: (Smirks)
Miley: Stuff this! I’m off, I can’t be chewed with this bollocks.
Mark: Aw but we had a surprise in store for you.
Miley: Really?
Mark: … Sure, why not.
Chrissie: (Whispers something in Mark’s ear)
Mark: Exactly.
Miley: Alright, maybe I’ll wait.
Terri: Before we move onto the next general topic with you Mark, shall we start with one of the other discussions with the rest of the cast?
Mark: Of course! Just cue the first brief intermission.




Mikey: So, uhm, I’m sorry we haven’t spent much time together since Tammy appeared.
Chrissie: Doesn’t worry me Mikey, it’s fine.
Mikey: Great! Perhaps though you might wanna’ hang out? All three of us, we could-



Tammy: Corporal Felling! I’ve deactivated the destabilised radioactive time portal continuum! We are one step further to defeating the Kalawari Colossus! Victory shall be ours! Nothing can defeat Tam-Tam the Wonderful Caped Avenger and… well, and you Mikey.
Mikey: Yaaaaaaaay! I’m trying to get Chrissie to role-play with us!
Tammy: ROLE-PLAY!? This is just ROLE-PLAY to you!? This is our CAREER Corporal! It is our DUTY and HONOUR to save Alterra, understood!?
Chrissie: It’s fine guys, I’ll pass.
Mikey: Did I graduate boot camp or something? I thought I was a private and now I’m a corporal?
Tammy: For that, you have had your rank revoked and you are getting put back to training, mere meaningless grunt!
Mikey: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww man!



Terri: And so, we start with no other than Maxwell “Max” Cooper himself, Paddy Swanson!
Paddy: Hey there.
Miley: Hey.
Terri: And how are you doing Paddy?
Paddy: I’m doing alright thanks, how are you Tes?
Terri: Good, thank you.
Miley: Ahem!
Paddy: … Yeah?
Miley: Oh I’m fine thanks for asking you prick.
Terri: … So tell us about yourself firstly Paddy, how have you gotten to where you are today?



Paddy: Well, like my character, I grew up in the fast-paced world of Archades, I in fact used to drive on the Archades speedway a couple of years back as a junior. Cars have always been in my blood-the racing and the mechanical work too. I’m not technical with names or anything, but there’s nothing under the hood I can’t do. Well, the racing down here in The Wasteland wasn’t unheard of in my family-we had a family tradition of coming down to watch the major trials and showdowns of the seasons. When I decided to come down here and do it myself, I set up shop and lived here. Then when the idea came along to turn what we do into a fictional TV show, it sounded really awesome! And well, that’s where we are today.
Terri: Amazing. So anything you can tell us about Max himself?
Paddy: Max is one of the favourite characters, so I’m told. He has a bit of everything in him really. He’s chatty, he’s confident, he’s a good guy, he has feelings but is often too boyish to let that sort of thing take over him. He’s funny, but more in the idiotic kind of way as opposed to deliberate comic humour. He knows his cars in and out and puts few things before his passion, which of course leaves him with a fairly empty life at such a young age. His friends, his family, all drain away slowly as time goes on because of this obsession. He loses Yoko, loses his step-mother and younger brother, and is thrown into an uncontrollable world alongside his dad who is being punished equally for sharing this obsession as his son, and the past generations of the Cooper family in general.
Miley: Whaddya’ mean by “punished”?
Paddy: Well, neither Max nor Daryl realise that it’s the cars that are making things complicated for them. I can’t really ruin too much right now but, for Daryl, his punishment goes much further back than his son being out in the open world. But Daryl’s father, Harry, he knew of the curse that was racing and though he did his best to end it, he failed and Daryl became ever-more obsessed, and then so with Max too. The only person who resisted was of course Ryan, though that might just be because he’s still too young to be compromised.
Terri: It sounds like Max’s story is a lot darker than what we’ve seen.
Paddy: Well I wouldn’t say dark, but it’s certainly more serious than he realises. The first thing that ever happened to him that he’s taken seriously is of course when he met Billie, because this was his first real experience of love with something that didn’t have four wheels. It was only typical that the first person he put as a higher priority than cars was unreachable in that respect, both being with Tim and also the fact she was one of the few who wanted out of the town, aware of the fact that this “passion” was what could make or break anything just like that.
Terri: Can you tell us anything about what to expect from Max in the future?
Paddy: A little bit, not to give too much away. Of course, a lot ties in with Daryl too, they sort of go through everything together as a team from here on. Thanks to Daryl being more mature and perceptive, he opens Max’s eyes to those around him for a moment, but quickly back to himself as what he ran away from catches up to him… I’ll stop there.
Miley: Sounds… fascinating.
Terri: You don’t sound too fascinated.
Miley: I’ll sound like however I bloody well want!
Terri: (Sigh) Thank you for that Paddy, we hope we see much more of Max in the future.
Paddy: No problem! There’s just one thing…
Terri: What is it?
Paddy: What I’ve just said about punishment and curses… It’s not REALLY true but those people who look WAY too deep into things probably think that themselves.
Terri: Oh…
Miley: “Thank the sands”. It was soundin’ far too cheesy for my taste.



Ant: So what do we do again?
Tammy: Save Alterra from the Kalawari Colossus and their evil minion army of demon Unicorns!
Ant: Oh right, of course. Of course!
Tammy: Yeah! You’re in the spirit!
Ant: I am!
Mikey: Me too!
Miles: I’m not.
Ant: Well you’re just a miserable bugger aren’t ya’?



Tammy: C’mon team! We have to get going on our great perilous journey!
Ant: We’re right behind you!
Mikey: Let’s kick some Kalawari butt!
Miles: (Sigh) I’m comin’…



Miley: …
Terri: … Well start us off Milo.
Miley: Hi.
Lizzie: Hi…
Miley: Shy one, ain’t ya’?
Lizzie: Erm…
Terri: (Sigh) Some use you are for a guy. Hi there Elizabeth. Which do you prefer? Elizabeth, Eliza, Lizzie?
Lizzie: Whatever you want, really. I don’t mind, except Elza… And Beth, because Beth is short for Bethany despite what some people think.
Miley: (Coughs) What a dork.
Mark: Oi! Shut up Miley. I love her for bein’ a dork so keep your trap shut, ok?
Terri: Well said, Mark. Now then, I’ll call you Lizzie then since that’s what a lot of the Wastelanders call you, is that ok?
Lizzie: That’s fine.
Terri: So tell us about yourself.



Lizzie: Erm, well it was one term at art college back home in Thompsonville in Cohnar where I first came here. My final piece was on landscapes, and I was doing a full sketchbook of different views-urban cityscapes, the countryside, caves, sky views, villages, canals… Anything and everything really. Then a friend suggested a desert setting would be great for the last page I had to fill. Don’t know why I went into the UMC but I did anyway, and the town I found to sketch was The Wasteland. I was never much of a car person, though I love my Elektra, but I was somewhat pulled in by the town. So once I graduated and sold enough college artwork to get me over here officially, I moved just to absorb the life, I guess. In a place like this, you’re stuck with the people in it, not that I don’t like anyone here-they’re great people, but when they decided to start a TV show about our lives… It seemed crazy, silly, and just otherwise wasn’t the sort of thing I wanted to do. You see people on TV and in films every day-all beautiful, all talented… I didn’t think I was anything like them, despite Mark trying to flatter me and convince me I was… Which worked in his favour in the end. I think it was more because every actor and actress at some point seemed to have an intimate and sexual scene, and the idea of me having to do something like that just seemed… Undignified.



Miley: It’s rather fitting that you play a socially-rejected virgin then isn’t it?
Lizzie: …
Mark: What did I just say!?
Miley: It’s true though! I bet she’s exactly like her character too.
Lizzie: I am…
Miley: A geeky, four-eyed, shy, timid little social-outcast baby girl?
Lizzie: That’s exactly me…
(Long awkward silence)
Lizzie: (Sheds a tear)




Mark: Hey come on now Lizzie, ignore this utter c*** for being the biggest dick in Alterra. There’s nothing wrong with how you are, I think you’re absolutely wonderful.
Lizzie: (Sniffles)
Mark: C’mon sweetheart, we’ll go out for a walk and some fresh air to make you feel better, huh?
Lizzie: (Sniffles again) Ok.



Mark: When I get back Miley I’m gonna’ kick your ass worse than I did Hutchinson’s.



Terri: … You are a bastard.



Tammy: OH NO! There’s a great almighty lake in front of us that is IMPOSSIBLE to cross! How shall we get to the Kalawari Colossus’ fort now!? We need to close the tertiary void where the demon Unicorns come from! Alterra will be doomed if we don’t act… FAST!



Mikey: I HAVE NO IDEA! What do we do!?
Miles: … It’s just a fricken’ puddle, what’s the big deal?
Tammy: JUST a puddle? LOOK AT IT!
Miles: Yeah, I’m lookin’.
Ant: Play along Miles, for the kids.
Miles: It isn’t my job to babysit these halfwits!
Mikey and Tammy: Awwwwwwwwwww!
Ant: No fear Tam-Tam the Wonderful Caped Avenger! I, Antonius the Great Maeda Chief shall CARRY you across!
Tammy: Yaaaaaaaay!
Miles: You’ve gotta’ be kiddin’ me. Ant, I didn’t think you’d stoop so low.
Ant: We shall leave Private Felling with Barzlestork the Impassable Miser Scum as we venture across this great aqueous obstacle using nothing but my strong will and muscles!
Miles: Why am I even here?



Ant: Alright! Here we go!
Tammy: Oh wait a minute, my cape’s coming loose.
Miles: Really heroic, you guys.
Ant: No fear, Antonius does not mind women undressing whilst in his arms.
Tammy: Antonius! Behave! There’s no time for that during a mission of great peril!
Ant: Be that as it may, my senses tell me we have plenty time to make jokes.



Miles: There we go, I’m across.
Ant: (Mumbles) What a show-off, jackass. Now Antonius is across! And successfully carries the fine lady that is Tam-Tam to safety also!
Tammy: Many gracious thankyous brave Antonius, I am indebted to you.
Ant: You may make it up to me when we next set camp.
Miles: Oh Antonius, you’re the worst kind of person.
Tammy: Then venture onwards we shall! For destiny awaits!



Mikey: Guys?… Guys! Don’t leave me on the other side of the loch!… I’m lonely.



Miley: Whilst Mark and Lizzie are out, that means Mark and Chrissie are apart. And so I’m taking advantage of that fact in order to interview Chrissie whilst she’s on her own.
Terri: I’ll tell Mark you said you were taking advantage of Chrissie.
Miley: Oh shut up! Now Chrissie…
Chrissie: Hi!
Miley: We already know about your good self, so why don’t you tell us about your interesting character, of whom you share your name with?



Chrissie: Well, Chrissie is quite an adventurous girl at heart, is willing to do anything and keeps all her desires and principles in pristine check. The trouble for her is, whilst her principles are there and never falter, she doesn’t really have any desires. As a little girl, she was happy and content and the cheeriest girl you’d ever meet, but as life became more real for her, it slowly tore her apart and left her shattered. It started with her being severely homesick after leaving the Mahru desert and returning to Neath, homesickness being something I get very badly myself too. Whilst she was still coping with that, her parents finally broke up after many years of her father’s gambling, drinking, smoking and drug-taking. Ever the worse, she was now only left with her mother who constantly tried to control her and everything she did. Because she was so innocent really, she had no willpower to resist her mother’s influence, her mother being extremely bitchy and materialistic. But at Neath Comprehensive, she meets Ant. Ant keeps her somewhat sane when they’re together and she remains her own person. Aside from her natural attraction to him and vice versa, the way he protects her from her troubles is what makes her have longing feelings for him. They start going out really soon after they first meet, but that’s mainly down to how he’s the only person who can make her giggle and smile, and make her feel safe as well as making her feel like things will actually turn out alright for her. She’s known as “The Sheep” because of her lack of sense of free will, and always finds someone else to go along with, at this time it’s Ant. After she follows him to The Wasteland, she learns the harshness of the world, and sees even Ant being brought into it all, same as she was with her mother. This is why she feels like she has to save him the way he saved her-by bringing him to his senses over what he’s doing. The main problem in question really is Meg, who clearly wants Ant to herself and to get rid of Chrissie. Chrissie at this time only has basic awareness of doing things for herself, as Ant pretty much shelters her from most things. It’s only when she feels lonely and neglected, that she builds up her inner strength to go for what she desires most, and finally learns what she wants. And while for a very brief moment she thinks she wants out, to run away yet again and start over, realises that she actually really does love Ant and always has, more than she ever had in her life up to this point, and so she feels what it’ll take to prove to him that she’s strong enough is to somehow do something that would definitely make him notice-becoming a Desert Queen. As risky as it was, almost losing Ant for the simple mistake of raising suspicion that she was hiding something serious, she at least manages to finally catch his attention, and their relationship is back to how it was before all the commotion started.
Miley: Now that’s interestin’, I always got the impression she was just a spare loose part that Ant carried with him, not realisin’ that she does in fact have her own dreams and isn’t just goin’ along for the ride with other peoples’.
Chrissie: Yeah, that’s the reason why Ant didn’t know Chrissie’s childhood dream when Max asked him-because she never really had a true dream other than to be happy.



Terri: What’s got you so social now?
Miley: Boss says to show more enthusiasm and stop upsetting certain nerds else I’ll get the sack.
Terri: Oh, that would be TERRIBLE!
Miley: I know. Anyway Chrissie, why don’t you tell us what’s in store for yourself in future?



Chrissie: I’m not really sure what to say, because Chrissie has a fair role next season, but she starts out as being more in the background for the first half before she’s back in the spotlight, so to speak. She has a more major role in hers and Ant’s story next time and goes through a few changes in the process. There’s a time she’ll seem like a different person, where she behaves somewhat differently, but of course we all know who Chrissie really is so there’s nothing to worry about with her. That’s all I can really say for now.
Miley: Beautiful! I’m extremely lookin’ forward to seein’ how it goes for her.



Terri: There’s enthusiastic, and then there’s just plain fake. I’m sorry but it’s true.
Chrissie: Yeah, I’ll agree on that one.
Miley: Whatever. Whilst Mark’s still out with the geek, shall we move on to someone else?
Terri: Sure. Thank you for chatting with us Chrissie.
Chrissie: My pleasure.



Ant: So, uhm, what’s your special abilities?
Tammy: I have many wonderful powers!
Ant: What would you say is your ultimate one then?
Tammy: Hmmm… I don’t know! I have just too many! What’s yours oh great Antonius?
Ant: Heh, well, I have the charm that only folk legends have been spoken of having.
Miles: Pff, what rubbish.
Tammy: It’s true! It worked on me after all!
Ant: Too right.
(Everyone turns to Mikey)
Ant: So what about you?
Mikey: Erm… I… Have a skeleton of steel! Nothing can break me down but I ANNIHILATE any obstacle in my way!
Miles: Prove it.



Miles: Charge through that conveniently placed brick wall.
Mikey: Prepare to meet your maker, wall!




Miles: What if I were to throw this rock in the way?
Tammy: What do you mean?



Mikey: Ow, I’ve tripped!




Mikey: … That hurt… So much.



Tammy: Barzlestork, you are SO MEAN!
Miles: (Shrugs)
Ant: I think it’s safe to say we’re all super… In our own ways.



Miley: Ah, now we have my favourite star of the show, and indeed my favourite character.
Terri: Are you going to say this to everyone we talk to from now on? Including the crew?
Miley: I’m actually bein’ genuine now!
Terri: Oh, sorry.
Miley: Hello Jamie, how are you? Oh wait, you are allowed to tell us that, right? (Laughs)
Jamie: Heh, I think so. I’m not doin’ too badly, per usual. Thanks.



Miley: So tell us about yourself.
Jamie: Not much to tell really.
Miley: … That it? What did you do before you appeared in Kings Of The Desert?
Jamie: Worked as an engineer in Hartfield Greens.
Miley: Wow, and I thought it was just Miles Hoffman who wasn’t very talkative.
Jamie: Well me and him are pretty alike, as are we all with our respective characters.
Miley: Dare I ask you to talk about Miles then?
Jamie: Well he’s a complex chap. Appears out of nowhere, has a tale to tell but refuses to tell it. Enquires about other people’s lives and problems without revealing his own. He’s not a sadistic brute of a man but he has a violent temperament if you get on the wrong side of him, which isn’t hard to do. There isn’t much to tell of him to be honest, he’s kept as a secret for a reason, but a bit will be revealed about him every now and again.
Miley: Hmm, ok… What about season two then? Are we getting anything important from him then?
Jamie: Well he’ll be a bit more major to the story, yeah. More questions will probably be raised about him but his character will only become more and more defined from it. He’s going to get some good memorable scenes too, no longer being the guy who merely carries weapons and makes graphical remarks.



Miley: Wonderful! Guess that does it. Who we got next then Terri?
Terri: Mark and Lizzie have returned.
Miley: Damn it!



Miles: So, time to camp?
Tammy: Yes SIR!
Ant: Yes, it would seem now is the most tactical moment to set up a stable quarantine.
Mikey: I could use a good lie down. My head kills.
Miles: I could use a lie down too, I’m bored as hell.
Ant: Tam-Tam, perhaps you will care to join me in my personal quarters?
Tammy: Well Antonius, I never! I mean, I would be honoured to!
Ant: Perfect! Shall we?
Tammy: Barzlestork, watch over Private Felling please.



Mikey: Put ‘em up!
Miles: What the hell are you doin’?… You aren’t even holdin’ a gun.
Mikey: You aren’t watchin’ over me! I’m practically a prisoner here! I’m gettin’ out. I’M GONNA’ GET OUT!
Tammy: Barzlestork, don’t let him out.
Ant: How about I show you my great swinging flail?
Tammy: Oh wow! That’s a very big flail you have! It certainly looks very sturdy!
Ant: Go ahead, touch it. Just be gentle.
Miles: … Sorry, I can’t let you leave the premises. I have my orders.
Mikey: Then you leave me no choice.
Miles: What are you doin’ now?
Mikey: Just gettin’ out my secret weapon…



Mikey: (Singing out of tune) I’m on my way to the IN-SANE TRA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN! CHOO-CHOO, CHOO-CHOO, CHOO, CHOO, CHOO-CHOO!!!!!!!!
Miles: Get the hell outta’ here, NOW!



Mikey: (Giggles menacingly)
Miles: Good riddance.



Quincy: Take two!
Harry: Don’t worry guys, we’ll edit the last time out, we promise.
Mark: You won’t but I’m beyond caring now.
Quincy: Oh well then, we won’t.
Terri: So, let’s resume. Tell us about your character Lizzie.



Lizzie: She’s your average slightly socially-awkward quiet girl. She keeps her head down in work and becomes a smarter, better person because of it. She doesn’t let the cruel world taint who she is, despite the likes of the people she is around. She seems to be very soft and timid… Well she is… I mean I am, but… She has a tough side to her hidden in her fragile heart that comes out fighting when she needs it most. When she’s faced with danger, she gets this uncharacteristic urge in her-she can become angry, and do what it takes to survive. Though most people laugh at her when she’s mad because it’s more “cute” than intimidating. So she can’t win either way. There’s no complexity to her though, she’s just hanging around until something turns up that will lead her to the secrets of her parents’ disappearance, something she’ll go to the far ends of Alterra to solve, nothing means more to her than that.
Miley: Anythin’ to expect in season two? Or can you leave me in peace now?
Lizzie: … (Eyes start watering)
Mark: It’s ok, ssssshhhhh… Ignore him, I told you. Keep going hun.
Lizzie: Well… She starts to feel more in danger now that Kai is revealed to be Kieran-who was once her friend although slightly perverted, especially towards her, which made her feel very vulnerable. Whilst she still remains the sweet and quiet person she’ll always be, she starts to come out fighting a little bit, knowing that there’s not always someone there to support her… (briefly turns to Mark and smiles warmly then turns back to the camera)… But the things she faces is sure to intrigue people, and people will finally learn more about her parents themselves.
Terri: Thank you for that Lizzie, and thanks for talking to us.
Miley: Whatever.
Lizzie: No problem.
Mark: (Rubs Lizzie’s arm, comforting her)



Miley: Get a room you two.
Mark: You little f*cking c*** COME HERE!




Tammy: What a nice night I had! Well rested to kick some butt! But Antonius, I could feel your flail poking me throughout the night and at times I couldn’t sleep.
Ant: I do apologise Tam-Tam, how terribly rude of me.
Tammy: It’s alright, just let me know when you’re going to poke me with it, so I can be prepared.



Tammy: Private Felling where on ALTERRA are you!?
Miles: Almas.
Tammy: Almas!? Why there!? He could get hurt!
Miles: That’s what I hope to happen.
Tammy: He can’t survive in the wild! What if the demon Unicorns get him!?
Miles: Then finally the Kalawari Colossus have a use to the world.
Tammy: That’s an AWFUL thing to say! Hurry, we must make haste and rescue our comrade!



Miles: And here I thought I was finally rid of ‘im.



Terri: Hurt much?
Miley: Nah! Didn’t feel a thing! Haha!… (Quietly) Ow…
Terri: Good. Moving on.



Miley: Erm, alright guys, who we interviewin’ first?
Neil: Both of us.
Miley: Can’t do anythin’ simple ‘round here.
Terri: He means “hello.” How are you both?
Neil: Fine.
Helen: Great, thanks.
Terri: I suppose we’re all used to the routine now, so take it away.



Neil: Although it’s not been stated yet, Tim actually owns an architecture company. That’s where his extreme wealth and power comes from. I actually own a furniture company in reality, I used to work as a carpenter for my dad before he branched out, and gave me a share of the management and ownership. I’ve lived down here a while because the original carpenter shop was actually in Emerald City, which is now in fact the Roswell’s Building Society.
Helen: Where I… Work in a small diner in The Rivet on weekends. That’s all to say about me, I don’t really get up to much.



Miley: So what about your characters? Do you have more to talk about with them?



Neil: There isn’t so much for us to say there either as opposed to the other guys. I guess Tim is just the guy who has it all-the power, the cash, the ego, and the brains when it suits him. He’s sort of the same as Ant, just two years older, richer, and less cocky and loud. There’s not much to say about him except that he thinks money solves everything, throws it around at will, and thinks he can gain power over anyone by handing over a few simoleons, such as Ralph.
Helen: Billie on the other hand isn’t interested in money at all. She grew up without it, into a poor family in a slum part of town with her brother Len. She fell in love with Tim for his gentlemanly attitude and his protectiveness of her, how he wanted to take care of her and give her a life she never had a chance of getting. However, the society differences are what makes their families try to destroy them, so they decide to run away, Tim even abandons his life of wealth for her. Of course, then there’s both Kim and Len who chase them, and Mikey joins in on the ride, so Tim’s idea of him and Billie leading a peaceful life goes bad. That’s before they even get to The Wasteland.
Miley: Why does Tim become such a prick then?
Neil: Thanks for that.
Miley: No problem.
Helen: He develops a taste for the “lesser-fine” things in life, like the racing. He stays rich but he becomes lower in class, so to speak. Billie feels neglected, like with Ant and Chrissie, and she realises that once again, nothing’s gone the way she originally planned. It’s been five years and she’s still stuck in that town with people she tried to get away from, and now the one person she wanted with her has become one of them people too. She just wants out, somehow. Then Max shows up and she’s torn-she feels strangely fond of him, mainly because he’s a little more down to Alterra than the everyone else, although he’s one of the least intelligent. Tim becomes blinded like Ant and fails to see what’s happening with his girlfriend.
Miley: Ant is a dick too.
Mark: Hey!



Terri: Before Milo gets another black eye to match, we’ll say thank you and move swiftly along.



Tammy: What ho good sirs! How do we find thee on this fine morning of travels?



Max: Uuuuhhhmm… ok?
Daryl: Can’t complain.



Tammy: How do you feel about saddling up and joining us on an epic quest to save Alterra?
Max: … Not brilliant.
Daryl: Do I get paid?
Tammy: I’m terribly sorry ol’ fellow, but my cape has run dry. I’m afraid we have no gold to offer you.
Daryl: Then I’m afraid I and my companion here will have to decline the offer.
Max: What?
Daryl: (Whispers) Just play along with the kids, you ‘n’ Yokes will need practice for your future family.
Max: Oh do shut up.
Ant: Perhaps I can make it worth your while. I have some heavy weaponry and some old ways of the woods that I could barter you with for your benefits.
Max: You got a flail?
Ant: Indeed I do, but sorry that isn’t available. I enjoy poking Tam-Tam with it overnight too much to let it go.
Daryl: Haha! I see what you’re sayin’.
Tammy: Oh! (Blushes extremely)
Daryl: If you have an axe for me to chop down trees, then I’m in.
Tammy: NO! NOT THE TREES!
Ant: Tam-Tam is a great lover of nature, she is very displeased with your desire.
Daryl: Oh. Then may I just have an axe? No chopping down trees?
Ant: It is a deal, wise one. But Antonius the Great Maeda Chief must first ask what is your name and title?
Daryl: I am Darius the Almighty Battle-Hardened Brethren. And this here is my associate, Maximus the Blatant Yoko Lover.
Max: Gimme’ a break!
Daryl: Quiet Maximus! For we must not make a bad first impression on our new companions. We’re with you guys.
Max: I guess.
Tammy: YEAH!
Miles: Am I the ONLY sane person here?



Miley: …
Nicky: …
Terri: …
Miley: (Whispers) Has he noticed us yet?
Terri: I don’t think so.
Quincy: … Nicky! Stop staring at me!
Miley: Uhm, hello?
Nicky: Hi!
Miley: Gah!
Terri: (Gasps)



Nicky: So! Basically I knew one of Neil’s friends and I was out with them for the day once when I kinda’ fell asleep in Neil’s car’s boot. Next thing I knew, I’d woken up here. So here I am!
Terri and Miley: …
Nicky: And there’s not much to say about Mikey. We’re the EXACT same person!!!… Almost. I’m not normally this loud but right now I’m SO EXCITED ’cause I’m bein’ interviewed! Oh oh oh! And Mikey gets a main role in season two too! Oh it’s gonna’ be AMAZING! Seriously! And my old Hunka is gone too, yaaaaaaaay! Another new car for me!



Terri and Miley: …
Nicky: I’m done! Sorry I got so excited, I just haven’t been interviewed before! I’ll calm down.
Terri: Wow, we didn’t even ask any questions but you still answered what we wanted.
Nicky: Of course!
Terri: … Onward?



Ant: Erm, Tammy? What the hell is that? Some kind of sea slug?



Tammy: Of course not! It’s Private Felling!
Ant: Oh… Of course.
Mikey: Hello!



Tammy: Where on ALTERRA have you been!?
Mikey: Almas.
Tammy: WHY!?
Mikey: (Points to Miles) HE shoved me in a box and shipped me over there!
(Everyone gasps dramatically with shock)
Tammy: Why would you do such a thing Barzlestork!? Why!?
Miles: ‘Cause he’s annoyin’. And so are you.
Ant: You be careful what you say to Tam-Tam you Impassable Miser Scum.
Miles: Will you cut it out!?
Ant and Tammy: (Mimicking Miles) Will you cut it out!?
Miles: …
Ant and Tammy: …
Miles: Stop it you guys!
Ant and Tammy: Stop it you guys!



Miles: Fine, I’m outta’ here.
Everyone: Yaaaaaaaay!
Tammy: CELEBRATION!



Terri: You now find us out here…



Terri: In the…



Terri: Where exactly are we Mark?
Mark: The Wasteland.
Terri: … This is still The Wasteland?
Mark: The Wasteland is approximately twenty miles long and wide, but the town itself is only about a mile of that.
Terri: Ok, so why are we here?
Mark: Coming up is Miley’s surprise.
Terri: Another black eye?
Mark: Sadly no. Aha! Here she comes.
Miley: Huh? What’s goin’ on?
Mark: You’ll see.






Mark: Right on time sweetheart.
Chrissie: As always.
Miley: Again, what’s goin’ on?
Mark: We recently chucked out the old engine in the Amazon for a 2.3 litre turbo and haven’t had time to do anything more than a quick drive to Emerald City and back in it since. We figured you’d be interested in riding shotgun in it while Chrissie takes it for a brief off-roading session.
Miley: Really!?
Mark: On one condition.
Miley: Name it!
Mark: No matter how much I despise you, or if I hit you again during this show, you grant us an office in the MRLD HQ regardless.
Miley: … Deal!



Mark: Sorted.



Miley: So, erm… Guess I gotta’ take this segment seriously, huh?
Chrissie: Whatever you wish.
Miley: Ok. Have you always been a car person then?




Miley: Where the hell are you goin’?
Chrissie: I’m not going to hit the cute little butterflies!
Miley: (Sighs)



Chrissie: Anyway, no I haven’t always been a car person. I’m still not, really. Like Eliza, I’m fond of my car and that’s about as far as it goes.
Miley: Ah, I see.






Miley: So have you done any driving before Kings Of The Desert?
Chrissie: Not like this. Mark had to teach me in a week to do it. I was terrified out of my life at first.



Miley: Oh sh*t…







Miley: Plumbbob, that was frightenin’.
Chrissie: Just something we do every day now.
Miley: I don’t know how you manage.
Chrissie: I used to think that. But I’m ok with it now, even if I do still get scared occasionally.
Miley: Not makin’ me feel safe here.




Miley: Wha-? Why we stopped?
Chrissie: J-turn time.
Miley: Oh fu-!







Miley: Damn, you can drive woman.
Chrissie: I’m a girl, not a woman. I’m far from being that old just yet.
Miley: You’re right there, kid.



Miley: So do the others drive just like they do on the show?
Chrissie: Oh yeah. The races are often done live with the exception of special cases, like Mikey’s car setting on fire, or Miles pushing his car across the line. Everyone’s good at what they do-the town and the racing is pretty much exactly like it is on the show in real life too.
Miley: Incredible.



Terri: Wow, the car didn’t stay clean for long.
Mark: That’s a given in the desert though, isn’t it?



Miley: Mark, your chick can drive.
Mark: Yup.



Mark: One of the many reasons why she’s the most perfect girl in the whole of Alterra.
Chrissie: (Giggles)
Miley: Oh please don’t…



Miley: Yeah, yeah, alright. I get it. Can we head back now then if we’re done? I don’t wanna’ look at that.
Terri: Awww, I think it’s really sweet.



Mark: You guys head back. We’ll catch up.
Chrissie: (Giggles again)



Miley: (Under his breath) Better to be footloose and fancy-free in my opinion.



Ant: Here we are, the Kalawari Kingdom… Only one of the sixteen thousand castles in their empire, that is.
Daryl: Captain Kalawari must do well for himself then.
Max: Uhm…



Max: I can’t see it.
Ant: (Whispers) ‘Cause it’s make-believe you utter tool. Get with it already.
Voice: I don’t think so!
Tammy: Oh gosh darn it!
Mikey: Nooooooooooooo!



Ant: Colonel Kalawari… We meet again.
Finley: Antonius, always a pleasure. Tam-Tam too… (Sounds angry) And Felling…
Mikey: Hi!!!
Tammy: Oh no! The Kalawari Kronies are all around us!
Finley: Seize these people, men! Take them to the Captain.



Max: Again, I can’t see anyone.
Everybody: Play along! It’s make-believe!