Episode 01 - Season 01 (Part 2)

Terri: It’s time for the special segment.
Miley: What makes it special?
Terri: Well let’s show this one image, and immediately everyone will know what’s coming up.




Miley: Oh, you don’t mean-?
Terri: That’s right…



Terri: The Brentstone Bureau section! And here we have Jonathan Kelly and Connor Smith.
Jonny: Hello there!
Connor: Hi!
Terri: It’s a pleasure to meet you guys!
Connor: You too!
Miley: The other guys from BB not with you?
Connor: They were busy.
Jonny: Courtney was gettin’ her nails done, Laura was gettin’ another piercing, Larson was at a women’s wrestling match… Etcetera etcetera.
Miley: I have one more question for you before we start.
Jonny: Sure, what is it?



Miley: … Y’know what, nevermind.



Terri: I suppose we’ll start with the biggest question of all: Where did The Brentstone Bureau come from in the first place?



Jonny: Well, actually, some of you might have noticed Brentstone Bureau sounded familiar, or the show itself seemed to ring a bell. Truth be told, it’s actually an off-shoot from what was known as The Brentstone Brigade, also set in Brentstone and regarding the character of Samuel Prickett, Samson Prickett’s father, but it was in the 70s, and was really popular indeed.
Terri: So is The Brentstone Bureau! Many people have even wanted to see it as a stand-alone show!
Jonny: Yeah, I noticed. And that’s fantastic to hear! I doubt it would happen though… We might get sued. We bought the rights to make a mini series based off The Brigade but making The Bureau a separate show is a different matter.
Terri: Aww, that’s too bad.
Connor: Yeah, but never say never. We might just manage to make it happen. Even if it’s something like a one-off TV movie or something.
Terri: For those of us who’ve never seen The Brentstone Brigade, are we able to see a clip of it by chance?
Connor: Yeah of course, I think we managed to get a hold of some of it with permission.




Donny: Yeah, I took care of that copper real nice.
Voice: You give him the special treatment?
Donny: He’ll have a hard time catchin’ any criminals with what’s left of his leg after I hacked it off!





Sam: Ready partner?
Ronnie: You got it.



Bartender: Can I get you gentlemen anything?



Sam: Whiskey. Double. On the rocks.
Ronnie: With a twist.
Bartender: And for you, sir?
Ronnie: Just told you, with a twist.
Bartender: I’ll get right on that, sorry gentlemen.



Ronnie: Some service.
Sam: Heads up.



Sam: Looks like we got ‘em.
Ronnie: Think we should introduce ourselves?
Sam: Way ahead of you.



Sam: Donny Grimshaw?
Donny: Who wants to know?
Sam: I’m Samuel Prickett, I’m from the Brentstone Brigade.
Donny: Do I give a shit copper? Like Brentstone’s finest have got jack on me!



Donny: So as I was saying to you guys…
Ronnie: (Whispers) Sam…
Sam: I know.



Sam: Mr Grimshaw, I insist that you come with us now.
Donny: Take your grimy hands off me you filthy pig!
Sam: Excuse me?
Donny: You heard what I said! Now piss off!



Waiter: Is there a problem Mr Grimshaw?
Donny: Escort these gentlemen out will you please?
Waiter: Certainly Mr Grimshaw. Gentlemen, perhaps you could leave the premises now?



Sam: Don’t touch me pal.
Ronnie: Police business. Stay back for your own good.
Sam: I don’t think you understood me Donny. I INSIST you come with us… NOW.
Ronnie: Do it before he makes you regret thinking twice about it.
Donny: I’m not thinking twice about it-PISS OFF!
Sam: … Alright.



Sam: Ready?
Ronnie: Way ahead of you.




Donny: Ow! Police brutality!
Sam: I’d keep your trap shut unless you want to be involved in another homicide. This time, you won’t be the suspect. Guess what you’ll be…
Donny: (Gulps) Y-y-y-y-you wouldn’t! You guys are stupid enough to make the rules so ya’ gotta’ stick by ‘em, right?
Sam: Keep telling yourself that, whilst I slowly take you apart limb by limb.
Ronnie: The rest of you fellas better get on outta’ here!
Man 1: Oh shit! He’s got a knife! Later Donny!
Man 2: Yeah, see ya’!
Donny: Don’t leave me here you pathetic cowards!



Sam: He ain’t the only who’s packin’ either, if you see where I’m gettin’ at.
Donny: Alright alright I’ll come quietly! Just don’t hurt me anymore! PLEASE!
Sam: Hmmm… Alright. Only ‘cause you said please.



Sam: All in a day’s work, huh Ronnie?
Ronnie: Damn right.
Sam: Wonder what we’ll be doin’ tomorrow… Any ideas Mr Grimshaw?
Donny: You’re makin’ the biggest mistake of your careers cops! I’m represented by a damn good lawyer, best in town!
Sam: And we have a pretty good coroner, keeps his morgue clean and everythin’, I’m sure you’d love it. Especially given the time you’ll do in jail as an alternative.
Donny: You guys got nothin’ on me and y’all know it!
Sam: You ever seen the bottom of the Hanson Riviera at night Donny?
Donny: (Gulps)




Miley: Wow, now THAT was actually freakin’ awesome!
Terri: I see The Bureau is of course a much lighter more comic version, where The Brigade seems quite gritty and serious.
Jonny: Oh no! The Brigade is actually rather humorous too. But Samuel Prickett is much more serious than Samson Prickett is. Ronnie and Rico are however quite the same. We actually tried to make the stories similar-the leads, the cars, there’s even an equivalent to the likes of Tina and Missy.
Connor: The Brigade isn’t as well known anymore because they aren’t even allowed to be broadcast on TV these days-the license holders for the show are out of money and can’t afford to have it on any channel anywhere. Moonstone Productions hopes to one day maybe buy the full rights and works for the past show and keep it broadcast once again for good. If that happens, then The Bureau could then be legally officiated as a stand-alone production too.
Miley: That would be SWEET!
Terri: I’m assuming you’ve gotten actors who look similar to The Brigade’s on purpose?
Connor: You should be asking Mark this, but yeah we did. Sam’s Gaheris GTe was where our inspiration came from for parodying it with Sammy’s Sigfrid. It’s still a BNB after all. And Ronnie actually drove a Dover Andromeda Sixpower which is where the Andromeda HRS came from that Rico was briefly seen to have recently bought. However, the story behind Sammy and Sam is very interesting indeed. Jon? You wanna’ take over?
Jonny: Sure. Basically, the guy who plays Sam is actually my dad too.
Terri: Really!?
Jonny: Oh yeah. Martin Kelly, as most old TV show lovers will know, was a pretty iconic actor in his days. He was known for many many films and shows, most popularly known for playing Gregory Marsh, the main character of the Gregory Marsh film franchise, the films including Freefall, Lockdown, Asphalt, Payroll and Shutter. Cleverly, the initials of each film spelt out FLAPS, which was in fact the nickname of one of the main supporting characters. Them films ran from 1971 to 1988. The Brigade being from 1973 until 1986.
Miley: I never saw that show, but I’m gonna’!
Connor: Well it’s kinda’ up to Moonstone now to get it re-broadcast. Otherwise you’ll have to find the really rare video tapes floating around, and there’s not many of them left to start with let alone ones that aren’t held onto by collectors.
Miley: Damn. Mark! Get on it!
Mark: I’m bloody tryin’ alright!
Terri: Now, back to The Bureau. So aside from it referencing-
Miley: The most kickass show I’ve ever SEEN!
Terri: … What was the purpose of it?



Connor: Mark wanted filler material in the show-stuff the characters watch on TV and all that. He planned a few different things, but seeing that so many people really grew fond of The Brentstone Bureau really quickly, he scrapped pretty much everything other than it. The only thing that crept in was Cooking With Gary, and that was only because it’s relevant to a future Moonstone Project.
Terri: And then of course the show got its own storyline over time, perhaps you can explain it in a bit of detail?
Jonny: Sammy is this young cadet who graduates to the squad with a guy he meets whilst in the academy-Rico-and the two of them become partners in The Brentstone Bureau. Sammy hopes to be like his father Samuel. Thing is, he has no wit or charm where Rico is the streetwise persuasive charmer type guy, and they zip about in Sammy’s flash Escudo 354 that he fondly calls Eddie… Until it gets wrote off in a car chase and due to budgeting, is left with Sigfrid the First. His girlfriend breaks up with him and she later turns to him for help with Finley-her new boyfriend who is a ruthless loan shark, drug dealer and pornographer who has ties to some of the meanest gangsters around, only to be dragged into the thick of it himself and also getting Rico, Tina and Officer Eddie brought into it as well. As far as season one’s gone, they’ve been captured then escaped and are now expecting to be able to call the fleet and lay the smack down on him. But Finley has more influence than they realise, so… To be continued really. Of course this particular storyline will be finished in season two era of Kings Of The Desert, but exactly like with The Brigade, there’ll be more stories to follow. It all depends on how it all goes really.



Terri: Before we go, there’s one main question everyone wants to know.
Miley: Why destroy all the Sigfrids?
Connor: (Laughs)
Jonny: It’s not funny! Well, it kinda’ is I suppose. We really only burnt two-one mk1 and one mk3. The other times the rest were seemingly burnt, we actually used camera tricks and fancy whatnot to use the original burnt ones at that moment. So in reality we’ve only used four Sigfrids so far, and two of them are still going.
Terri: Thank you for that guys. Good luck for both The Bureau and The Brigade… Although it’s Moonstone Productions in general that want the luck for The Brigade.
Jonny: No problem!
Connor: Our pleasure.



Mikey: We’re so doomed we’re SO DOOOOOOOOMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ant: Y’know… Tam-Tam, when I was planning on tying you up one night, this wasn’t EXACTLY what I had in mind.
Daryl: Antonius, now is not the time for your innuendos.
Tammy: Now’s as good a time as any I guess… I’ll be honest with you Antonius, I wish you could poke me with your almighty flail one more time.
Ant: I didn’t even have a chance to cast my magic spray over you!
Max: Oh EW! I’m sorry, but that one was just plain sick!
Ant: Haha!… Yeah, I’m sorry about that. Quincy, could you edit that one o-… Y’know what, forget it.
Max: … (Smiles) I’m actually pretty comfortable now.
Mikey: … Me too.
Tammy: I’m a little chilly.
Ant: It’s torture alone, them putting us in a metal cell, with a metal floor… With no ceiling!



Finley: You people having fun there?
Tammy: YOU MEAN BULLY!
Finley: Is that the best you can do?
Mikey: YOU BLASTED OLD GINGER FOOL!
Finley: … Apparently so. Well, I’m sorry the Captain was too busy to see you this time, but I’ve been instructed to cast you out, I have no choice-you cost me too much, do you REALISE how much demon Unicorns cost to hire these days!?
(Long silence)
Finley: I didn’t think so! I mean, what with the tax and VAT on the increase, and that a few of my long term employees requested a salary increase, it’s putting quite a pressure on me and my bank account. The interest rates haven’t gone up in weeks!
Daryl: Really? That’s horrible! My credit cards have been full for ages.
Finley: Me too! Isn’t it a pain? Even buying Unicorns in bulk doesn’t save me much money!
Daryl: Tough times for the Unicorn buying industry it seems.
Ant: Manufacturing them is difficult too, one of them told me.
Max: Now HOW did a Unicorn tell you that? Seriously…
Ant: They said a cousin of theirs is in charge of one of the Unicorn processing plants in Cohnar.
Max: Yeah, ‘cause… That makes sense.
(Long silence)
Max: Hahaha!
Finley: What are you so smug about?
Max: I used my legendary skills in telepathy to communicate with the subconscious of your bank manager. I hope you don’t mind interest rates going down 16.7% for the next seven months and a 40% increase in APR for two whole years.
Finley: You meddling scoundrel! That’s it, time to draw the curtain on you lot once and for all!



Sammy: There he is! Stop right there Kalawari!
Finley: Seamus the Unbearable Disastrous Armageddon!?
Sammy: Damn right!



Finley: Screw this, I’m outta’ here! I shall face you one day Seamus!… But not today. YOU PEOPLE WIN THIS TIME! But the moment my visa clears to buy another XL bulk of demon Unicorn soldiers, you’re all DEAD!



Daryl: I hope that chap’s interest rates increase soon then. Being in debt isn’t pretty, especially with a demon Unicorn overlord who moonlights as a loan shark. Been there myself.
Max: Not if I have anything to say about it. You forget I’m an excellent mage and psychic too.
Sammy: Lucky I got here in the nick of time. Here, let me help you guys out.
Tammy: Oh thank you Seamus! How can we make it up to you?
Sammy: I’m running a little low on power, and I’ve been travelling for days without rest or water so I’m quite drained. Perhaps you could spare me some of your attributes and fill me up?
Ant: Oi! I’m the guy who does the innuendos here!



Miley: Now, while Terri has gone to phone in at work to see how it’s going, I’m stuck doing the most dull section of the show-talking to the crew. So I have here with me all at once: Tiffany Abernathy-Mark’s PA, Harry Townshend-the director of photography, and the director-Quincy… Shantotto?
Quincy: That’s correct.
Miley: Riiight. Anyway, the first… and only… question I have for you-what’s it like working in Moonstone Productions?
Harry: Mark terrifies me when I’m filming too long and he chases me off.
Quincy: Mark needs to lighten up.
Miley: Wonderful. And you?



Tiff: Well you boys can say whatever you want but personally I can’t think of a better person to work with all day every day.
Quincy: (Coughs) Jenny clone.
Tiff: I beg your pardon?
Quincy: I said you’re a Jenny clone. Jenny is exactly like Meg and has the same feelings for Mark as Meg does to Ant, and you are no different!
Harry: I wouldn’t go down that road Quincy.
Quincy: Shut up, kid.
Miley: Oh, this is actually quite fun!
Tiff: Pff, I think Mark should just be his own director if I’m honest. And I can work the cameras for him too.
Harry: What do you have against ME!? I didn’t do ANYTHING!
Quincy: Run that proposal by Mark if you wish. If he so desires, I’ll walk out of here happily. Otherwise, shut up and go back to the kitchen where you belong.
Miley: (Laughs uncontrollably)
Tiff: You sexist pig.
Quincy: Not really. You’re Mark’s coffee girl basically, except he doesn’t drink coffee. So what? You get him his apple & raspberry juice and make him his tuna and cheese melt baguettes and you have lunch together?
Miley: Really? That’s lame. You’re a cat lady aren’t you?
Tiff: No I do not have a cat!
Quincy: No, she has twenty seven.
(Miley, Quincy and Harry all laugh)
Tiff: You can all go to hell. I have no cats, and my social life is absolutely fine thank you very much. Stop with the stereotypes!
Miley: Quieten down sweetheart, your opinion doesn’t matter here.



(Small beeping sound)
Miley: What was that?
Tiff: A small device Mark gave me to press that would tell him people are bullying me.
Miley: Yeah right.



Mark: What you dickheads sayin’ to my Tiffany now?
Miley: Well I’ll be damned.
(Tiffany looks pleased with herself)



Mark: I don’t think I should leave this room anymore now. First Lizzie, now Tiff. Alterra only knows what you said to Chrissie.
Miley: Chrissie’s actually cool, so I didn’t say anythin’.
Mark: OF COURSE CHRISSIE’S COOL! They all are!
(Long silence)
Tiff: (Smiles warmly and leans subtly towards Mark)
Miley: … So that sums up the talking to the crew segment… I guess. Wait for Terri to come back for the final part.



Quincy: This is the final scene guys, make it count. Give it a good cliffhanger ending!



Chrissie: Hey guys, can I still role-play with you all?
Tammy: ROLE-PLAY!?
Ant: We were just about to finish Crumble. I’m sorry.



Chrissie: Hm!
Ant: Chrissie, wait!



Tammy: Save me your giant flail and chains for next time Antonius!
Ant: Yeah, sure!
Chrissie: WHAT!? Chains? What kind of role-play IS THIS exactly!?
Tammy: IT’S NOT ROLE-PLAY!



Daryl: Is this part of the script?
Sammy: No.
Max: So… Epic cliffhanger?
Mikey: Yaaaaaaaay! Epic!
Tammy: We must grow our small group more and form a large clan to tackle the Kalawari Colossus! A great journey awaits us all! We’ll make new friends, gain new enemies, discover many new places and people, lose people we love, find new ones, and encounter many magical widgets and what-ifs along the way. For this is just the prologue of The Epic Adventures of Tam-Tam the Wonderful Caped Avenger!… Part one of two.
Max: Fantastic.
Sammy: So what do we do now?
Tammy: We camp, again. For we shall return to the nearest village at dawn break. Meanwhile, we shall also-



Miles: Thank plumbbob you travellers are ok! Quincy the Pushy Little Twerp said I’d be fired if I didn’t aid you in peril. Is everyone safe!?
Tammy: Gee Miles, calm down will you? It’s only a role-play!
(Everyone laughs at Miles)
Daryl: Besides, Quincy isn’t the one who decides whether or not to fire you.
Miles: … Damn it!
Mikey: Haha! You just got tricked into role-playing with us!
(Long silence)
Quincy: … Aaaaand cut!… Beautiful work you guys, just beautiful.





Paddy: Hot.



Nicky: Hot!



Paddy: Except in the winter of course.



Nicky: It gets really cold then, we even get snow!



Helen: Oh I LOVE the snow! It’s so warm and cosy indoors.
Neil: Hate the heat, hate the frost. Only here ‘cause it’s quiet.



Jamie: I guess it’s alright. Not really any different from any other town to be honest, terrain don’t make a difference.



Mark: Used to find it a lot to get used to as opposed to the usual lush grass but, it’s quite a refreshing place.
Chrissie: There’s no desert like it. I’ve actually been to the Mahru once before but the climate here is one of a kind. Nice warm summers where I can just wear my vest top and jean shorts and can go up to the old springs and bathe in them.
Mark: … Mmm, yeah. DEFINITELY love summers for THAT reason.
Chrissie: (Voice gets progressively more childish) And then in the winters, I can wrap up nice and warm and be all snug and cuddle up to Marky Warky all night and sleep with him on the sofa under a widdle blankie, awww! I get so comfy!
Mark: … Yeah, DEFINITELY love the winters for that reason too.
Chrissie: N’awww you’re the greatest Mark!
Mark: No, you’re the greatest Muffin!
Miley: You’ve GOT to be kiddin’ me.



Neil: Mark and Chrissie?… Don’t get me started.
Helen: Aww, I think they’re the cutest couple ever. They really are perfect for each other. Gives us all hope (laughs).
Neil: … Well, Tim and Billie manage alright.
Helen: No they don’t.
Neil: Damn.




Paddy: Mark really is like my brother. We’re practically inseparable.



Mark: I assume that it’d be too biased if I said Chrissie?… Damn it. Erm, among the guys, Paddy’s like my best pal goin’. As far as the girls go… Well, Jenny is always openly fond of me.
Chrissie: (Sighs with frustration)
Mark: Sorry sweetheart. Erm, I think I’d say Lizzie. We’re probably even more inseparable than me and Paddy if I’m honest. I’ve always took good care of her.
Chrissie: I would probably say Helen. We always have our girly chats and days out together, so I’d say her.



Helen: Chrissie, yeah. We’re gal pals.
Neil: I’d say Helen here.
Helen: Stop it.
Neil: Fine! Actually probably Jamie. The man’s a lot of fun to be around, unlike his character.
Terri: What’s going on here between you two?
Helen: You don’t want to know.
Miley: Oh! Neil wants to make the Tim and Billie relationship come true. As that Alan guy says: D’AWWW!



Jenny: I actually said that whole D’AWWW! thing first. But oh forget it, people never remember what I say.



Alex: … Jenny said it first? I can’t remember her sayin’ that… Oh well!
Kennedy: (Sigh)




Paddy: Quincy and Harry can get annoyin’.



Mark: Quincy’s a twat and Harry is just a sheep following orders.
Miley: Like Chrissie?
Chrissie: Hey!



Russell: She is a sheep in reality too.



Chrissie: Hey! I’m NOT a sheep!



Neil: She’s a sheep.
Helen: She’s not a sheep.



Lizzie: No she is not a sheep.
Miley: Are you?
Lizzie: No!



Alex: Yeah, Lizzie is as well.
Kennedy: Don’t slander Eliza.
Alex: Only ‘cause you actually want her.
Miley: Oh really?
Alex: He’s so useless that whilst in the show we’re up to Plan I, in reality we’re at Plan J.
Terri: That’s not too bad.
Alex: We’ve gone through the entire of the alphabet seven times now.
Terri: Oh.



Jamie: Kenny and Lizzie? Oh don’t start with them.




Jack: I was actually thinkin’ the other day ‘bout this ‘n’… Well, I don’t have any regrets. Love the show, love my part… YES, I’m playin’ a psychopath… but y’know, it’s a fun part to play, it’s great. I’m not by any means psychotic myself, but it’s really awesome to play something so different.



Floyd: I regret being an ice cream fanatic by nature.
Terri: Why?



Floyd: OWWWWWWWWW!
Mark: What the hell’s goin’ on?
Pat: Erm…
Floyd: My thung ith thoooooooo coooooooooooold! A hagth thoo ‘uch eye ‘weam!
Mark: What he say?
Pat: His tongue’s cold. Had too much ice cream.
Mark: Ah jeez not this again.
Frank: That’s what I said. Bloody moron.
Floyd: Cang thumone ge’me thumbthing ‘o thaw ‘y wouth?
Jack: Hey, he makes more sense now than he’s ever done before.
(Everyone laughs but Pat)
Pat: Can someone get him something to thaw his mouth? That’s what he said.
Mark: Frank, you go.
Frank: Fine.



Frank: Working with Floyd, definitely. That guy’s worse than that Nicky fella’.



Nicky: The show’s AMAZING! There’s nothing wrong with how it went! It’s been a perfect idea since it’s debut in my opinion. I’m not too sure ‘bout the other guys, but I’m so thrilled to report that to my knowledge there’s been no serious problems at all!



Chrissie: I still remember he burnt my favourite cardigan… (Sniffles)
Mark: Aww, but I got you another one didn’t I? You’re wearing it now.
Chrissie: Heh, yeah… Thank you so much Mark, it was the greatest thing that day.
Miley: He must’ve felt guilty.
Chrissie: For what? He hasn’t done anything wrong!
Miley: He did write a scene of him kissin’ Jenny didn’t he?
Chrissie: …
Mark: I hope someone hits you in the face with a rusty knife, Miley.



Arnold: Havin’ to actually get drunk in those scenes where I was meant to be drunk or high.
Miley: You were forced to drink? Sounds like a good job.
Arnold: Not when you’re drinkin’ several nights on the trot, and STILL hungover when you resume drinkin’ again. Otherwise, yeah I’d have loved it. A nice drink is a necessity for men to get through the day.
Terri: Oh.
Miley: Been sick much?
Arnold: Not once!



Neil: Every single time he did. The guy drinks his own body weight… tripled. He’s good fun though-me him and Jamie are quite a trio.
Helen: I worry about him sometimes. I couldn’t manage it. But there again, I’m not the biggest drinker to start with.



Lizzie: Oh, I think I had the worst of the mistakes.
Terri: What happened?
Lizzie: I don’t want to say, it was too horrible…
Miley: Quit whingin’ an’ tell us!
Lizzie: Well, it was back in Cohnar, filming on location for episode four, when I was mean to be at the comprehensive school…



Lizzie: I thought people were waiting for me here.



Mark: Yello, you’ve reached Mark... Well, you HAVEN’T reached me, hence why you’re hearin’ this message playing. It’ll be pretty obvious but I can’t answer the phone right now… Or maybe I can, but I’m yelling at my phone ‘cause you get on my nerves an’ I wish you’d bugger off. Leave me a message an’ I’ll get back to you when I can, unless I hate you then I’ll just ignore ya’. If this is Nicky, PLEASE stop callin’ me just to say hello… Or “Yaaaaaaaay!”. Thanks.
(Message beep)
Lizzie: (Sigh) Where are you Mark?



Lizzie: Guess I’ll just go in anyway.



Lizzie: Think this is the room.





Kid: Who are you?
Lizzie: Oh! Hi there. Hmm, must be a multi-aged class for some reason. I play Eliza in the show.
Kid: Who? What?
Lizzie: … Oh dear! I think I might be in the wrong school…



Teacher: Good morning class! Good to see you all bright and early and-



Kid: Sir! Sir! There’s a strange lady here!
Lizzie: Hey! I’m not strange!



Teacher: Can I help you?
Lizzie: Erm… This isn’t Thompsonville Comprehensive School is it?
Teacher: No, this is Thompsonville Junior School. Comprehensive is about half a mile up the road.
Lizzie: Oh…



(The entire class laughs)



Lizzie: That was horrible!



Lizzie: (Sniffles)
Mark: Lizzie? What’s the matter sweetheart? Why are you cryin’?
Lizzie: (Cries softly) It doesn’t matter. Give me a second to fix my makeup before we start.



Mark: But you never wear makeup Lizzie. I always tell you not to ‘cause you’re naturally beautiful.
Lizzie: I know, I just wanted an excuse to cry on my own for a while!



(Awkward silence)
Quincy: I thought you said she was really sweet. She seems like a weirdo.
Gavin: She is a bit of a weirdo, that’s why. Say Mark, is she really gonna’ punch me? I don’t think she has it in her.



Gavin: OW! F*ck! Hold on hold on!



Mark: What’s wrong now?
Gavin: I’m bleeding.
Lizzie: Oh no! I’m so sorry! I swear I hit gently, I can’t hit hard.
Gavin: GENTLY!? You nearly broke my f*ckin’ jaw!
Quincy: She looks to timid to pack a punch like that. You must just be puny Gav.
(Numerous people laughing in the background)
Mark: No fear, we have our… uh… OFFICIAL medical professional here.
Gavin: Thank the clovers, who is it?



Alex: Does this hurt!?
Gavin: G’AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Alex: He’ll live!
Mark: Perfect! Keep rollin’!



Lizzie: So yeah…
Miley: Wow.
Mark: Be this a lesson to you Miley-if you keep tormentin’ her I’ll ORDER her to do the same to you, so behave!



Terri: So, two final questions before we end.
Mark: Sure! Shoot.
Terri: What can we expect on the whole for season two of Kings Of The Desert? And when can we expect it to return? Since so many people have been curious to know already.



Mark: Well, we have another project in the way first, so whenever that’s done we’ll start Kings Of The Desert again. For the moment, we aim to at least get it started before the end of this year. It will probably run into next year mostly but we’ll see, you never know these things. While Max was our focus character this season, we’re going to take a small change this time around and move on to Lizzie.
Miley: Bloody typical.
Mark: … So it’s definitely expected to be more dramatic and hard-hitting next time. Of course, it’s going to take place many months later, probably around April 1999 or something, it’s undecided yet. Because of that, the guys should generally be closer, meaning there’s more Mikey even though we follow Lizzie, we need to keep up the comedy after all. Daryl’s now in town, the comedy continues, Brentstone Bureau is back, we have several new characters, a new faction within the league appearing, and a whole lot more to come. Nearer the time, we’ll reveal more of what to expect but as we say, it’s early days yet. Also, we’re going to try to spread out a little with focus characters next season so it shouldn’t be too focused on one character anymore.
Terri: And lastly, what’s next for Moonstone Productions?
Mark: Well after this airs, we hope to have a special Kings Of The Desert episode out in two to three weeks.
Miley: What makes it special?
Mark: What makes the special special?… We haven’t a clue! It’s more like a part two to the finale really, only it takes place a month after it. We’re putting some more twists and action in, and ending it on a high note for you folks. After that, we shall be working on the next production, which more will be revealed about in The Desert Diaries in the coming weeks after the special. DURING this new production, me and Paddy hope to be getting our own small office in MRLD HQ and be able to broadcast our separate shortwave channel from there on either a weekly basis or whenever we get enough podcast material. It’ll be like The Desert Diaries but with less order to it. Instead of it being us discussing our latest work and drama, it’ll be us discussing our latest… work… and drama… and all sorts of random stuff-from fanmail to questions to interviews to casual banter and playing a little bit of audio RP, or more live action videos of The Epic Adventures of Tam-Tam the Wonderful Caped Avenger, which we’d upload to our vlog site. Might even play a little bit of Mansions & Monsters on the show, ‘cause playin’ that always goes to fun places.
Terri: A classic game.
Miley: For Alterra’s biggest dorks. Does that mean Lizzie’s gonna’ be involved?
Mark: As a matter of fact, yeah. We’ll have several of the guys and girls appearing as recurring guests and stuff like that.
Terri: I’ll look forward to hearing it! I’ll be tuning in.
Mark: I knew you would. We’ll also be posting them on another of our personal forums on the Arcanet, for those people who can’t pick up our frequency.
Miley: (Yawns) So what’s this intriguing invention called?
Mark: An Afternoon With Mark & Paddy.
Miley: Seriously?
Mark: Seriously. “Does exactly as it says on the tin.” That’s the slogan too. One of the things we can promise from our first time we do it, we’ll be talking of course with everybody’s favourite guy on the dust-Stephen Garland-both for the upcoming show Evil Born Evil returning to SPTV1... Well, by the time this is aired, it’ll have been back on Monday actually… anyway, he’ll also be the first honorary guest of me and Paddy and our random banter, fun and games.
Terri: I really can’t wait to see-



Miley: Can you not Terri? That’s terrific but I’m afraid that’s all we have time for. For those listenin’ to MRLD, this has been DJ Wiley-Miley, bringin’ you the latest guff from The Wasteland, aka The Wastebasket of Kelderhope.
Mark: The Wastebasket of Kelderhope?
Miley: Yeah ‘cause it’s where the unwanted rubbish in the state is put!
Mark: Why you little-!




Bruno: This thing’s pretty heavy.
James: You’re lucky my leg isn’t actually broken!
Mark: You’re STILL complainin’?



Bruno: So we’re wantin’ this upstairs?
Paddy: Yup.
James: And you expect us to do that HOW?
Paddy: Mark? Ideas?
Mark: Go back home and share a bath with Chrissie sounds quite a smart choice right now.
James: Yeah!
Mark: Not you.
James: Awww.
Stephen: I have only one idea… You’re not gonna’ like it though.
Paddy: Name it.
Stephen: Take the thing apart to a sizeable… size. Then put it back together as one when we get it up there.
Bruno: That seems like a lot of work.
Stephen: You fellas don’t really have any other choice.
Paddy: (Sigh)… Alright then, let’s get started.
(Everyone starts complaining)



Jamie: (Whistling tunefully) Huh?



Jamie: Who the HELL put this piece of JUNK in my house?… How’d they even get it up here to start with!?



Quincy: And cut! Good work everyone, good work. We’re done.
Mark: Thank you for helpin’ out Terri, I owe you.
Terri: You always do. Buy me lunch and maybe we’re equal for now.
Mark: You got a deal hun.
Quincy: (Sigh) Ever the ladies man, eh Mark?
Miley: Ha! Don’t make me laugh Quincy.
Mark: Hey, me and Terri have known each other since we were three years old!
Miley: Quite a long relationship you must’ve had then.
Quincy: They apparently used to date when they were fifteen.
Miley: Still do as far as I’m concerned.
Mark: Milo…
Miley: What?
Mark: I don’t like you.
Miley: And the feeling’s mutual.
Terri: I’m with Mark-I think you’re an arsehole.
Miley: I know you’re with Mark, it’s hardly a surprise.
Mark: I honestly meant what I said about the rusty knife by the way, and I sincerely hope for the next Kings Of The Desert: Beyond The Dust, you won’t be joining us for it.
Miley: Well I hope so too!
Mark: Oh well, me and Paddy still have our office at MRLD HQ, we’re on an unbreakable tied contract, remember?
Miley: Argh damn it!
Quincy: You still filming this Harry?
Harry: Yup.
Mark, Miley and Terri: (Sigh)