Episode One (1)

Eddie: The greatest show on Alterra, testing cars to the max. That’s opinion. But the fact is – this is Sim Gear.



Jo: Yep. In case you don’t know what Sim Gear is, it’s a motoring show. So…



Eddie: You know what, Jo. I don’t think it is. You and Nathan changed that the previous series with your arguments. “Oh my car’s better! No the Mk.2’s the best, Nathan!” I’m the only good presenter of this show.
Jo: How can you say that, Eddie?
Eddie: How can I say it? Why do you want to say it? You use your tongue to speak, Jo.
Jo: Eddie! That’s not nice. Stop being odd!
Eddie: Shut up, Jo. Don’t make me argue with you. Keep your arguing with Nathan.



Eddie: Anyway! Guess what! New, improved studio. As you know, this is now our third studio.
Jo: Is it? Oh yes I can’t believe that! The third studio in a year!
Eddie: Come on, Jo. You must believe that. Anyway, if you’re wondering why we’ve got another new studio… the creator of the show has invested in this new studio for us for more space, a car park so we and our camera crew can park, everyone has their own parking space so there is no hassle and the other studio has been turned into a gay bar.
Jo: Yep…
Eddie: No seriously. It has.



Jo: So our car park. The cars furthest away are the camera crew’s and staff, and the three cars closest to you are special, because they’re the presenter’s cars. There’s my Dover Marin in the corner – I soon got that after Episode 5 was filmed last series because I loved it. The pink 720 is Eddie’s, which is now repaired after his accident in it last series. And Nathan’s car is the Landwhale Summit.



Eddie: Obviously a new studio means a new fabulous test track! Yeah, what do we think to that? Yeah…!
Jo: Yep. Anyway… Nathan. Was you wondering where he was? We’ve arranged a special entrance for Nathan because not only has he a new haircut and decided to shave, we’ve agreed if he wants to moan about a certain car or loss in a challenge, he can. And we won’t bother him!
Eddie: I don’t think that last thing you said though, will last.
Jo: Yeah but we can try, Eddie.
Eddie: Alright.



Eddie: Anyway, without any further ado, please welcome… Nathan Radcliff. Wahey!
Jo: Whoop, whoop!



Eddie: Oh my god! What the bloody hell have you done with your hair, Nathan?
Nathan: Haha! It’s cut!
Jo: Nice stubble. Speaking of which, I need a shave.



Eddie: Come on hug me, Nathan. We’re BFFFFFFFF’s or whatever they call them.
Nathan: Haha. It’s not like I haven’t seen you in a while, I’ve only shaved some hair off my head…!



Jo: Oh right, thanks. Well I didn’t intend on giving you a hug, but…
Nathan: Oh why not?
Jo: Oh well you are one of my best friends… hey why not?
Eddie: Anyway, you may have heard rumors before that Sim Gear was to have a new presenter. We lot thought of a new feature for series 2 of Sim Gear that would take its place once every two episodes, and that’s having our own guest show inviting celebrities on to our show to drive a car around our track and get the best time they can. Now we needed someone who could be good with that, because to be honest, we’re all crap interviewers. So it gives me the greatest pleasure to introduce… him… Anyway here he is!



Eddie: Wow who the hell is this man? Look at those squeaky clean white shoes! Who cleaned them for you? Sit down, introduce yourself.



Eddie: Here he is. Let’s interview this strange man.
Nathan: I’m not saying anything. Jo you say something.
Jo: I know this man.



Eddie: Well you should question him, the poor bloke’s frightened now because of you refusing to question him.
Jo: I’ve spoken to him.
Nathan: For god’s sake, make your bloody mind up! Jo and Eddie – you hardly ever argue – you should be able to settle this between yourself. Fine – allow me.



Nathan: Hello. So for the sake of us, and our viewers, who the hell are you?
Rhys: Haha. I’m Rhys Fisher. I had my own chat show called ‘The Rhys Fisher show’. And that show is now axed… so it’s the greatest pleasure to still be interviewing stars, thanks to you Sim Gear folks.
Nathan: Well don’t call us Sim Gear folks for much longer, because your part of the family! Welcome. So how does that feel?
Rhys: Well I don’t feel any different. That’s how it feels.
Nathan: Yeah… but are you happy?
Rhys: No. You all bicker over who should speak to me. I hate arguments. You lot are long haired, argumentative, petrol heads who treat me as an alien from a planet from a million miles away. Let me tell you something – I don’t bite.



Eddie: Oi! Your not nice! Where’s Luke? Can we get him in to sack this bloke?
Jo: Give it up, Eddie. We can’t treat Rhys like this.
Nathan: But you’ve spoken to him before, your obviously on his side, you little git.
Jo: Erm! I…
Eddie: Jo! Remember we can’t argue to Nathan. If he insults us, we ignore him… anyway Rhys. Tell us more about yourself. Was it the right choice to hire you? Do you like cars?



Rhys: Yes, actually. I own that grey Hunka 711 in the car park. I am single but I’ve had twenty-nine girlfriends in my past and the most I spent with one of those girlfriends, in a relationship – was three months. And the most famous guest I’ve had on my show was Rob Bean – famous for being the most argumentative and craziest bloke in Denland.
Eddie: I thought Nathan was the most argumentative?
Nathan: Oi!



Eddie: Well if he ends up on your guest show, we’ll blame you. Ok?
Rhys: Well all the guests who want to appear will appear. It’s not nice to tell them – Oh hi Rob, err you’re a bit too argumentative to appear on Sim Gear, so bugger off. Is it? Hey?
Eddie: Nah. Anyway, your dealing with him.
Rhys: Anyhow, seeming as I’m now a presenter of this show, I assume these Sim Gear folks should settle to view something spectacular. We wanted to kickstart our guest show thing… whatever you want to call it, so we held a party with food and entertainment at the track and tried to receive some celebrities. Jo offered to help me.
Eddie: Oh so that’s how you know him?



Rhys: Hey, Jo. Who have you invited?
Jo: Arthur Nedmond. He’s the only one I’ve invited. Oh and Jamie Cooke.
Rhys: Who the hell is Arthur Nedmond?
Jo: He’s the presenter of The Simlish Autoshow.
Rhys: I take it that’s to do with motoring?
Jo: Yep.
Rhys: And you expect Jamie Cooke to arrive, the most famous chef in Denland?
Jo: Yeah, why not? This is Sim Gear we’re on about here, even George Barker, the most famous footballer in the world who earns more in an hour of playing than what you will in a year.
Rhys: I doubt he’ll turn up. Anyway, I’ve set up a goal net for penalty shoot-outs in case someone wants to play football. So that’s good for George’s benefit.
Jo: Who have you invited then?
Rhys: Almost every celebrity I know. What car will they be driving in?



Jo: Ah well. Let me introduce you to the Dover Seurope 1.8 HLS, Rhys. The best Denevian car ever! We’ve decided to go for the upper-class Seurope as the 1.3 L lacks power. So stats on the Seurope 1.8 HLS. It’s got a 1.8 diesel engine with an output of a mind-boggling 115 brake horse power and a top speed over 117 miles per hour. Now that is what you call power, Rhys. Therefore, this is – Celebrity in a Seurope!
Rhys: Hm, that’s a great name. Nice car. Oh look, our first guest!



Jo: Oh my god! It’s a girl! I’ll welcome her.



Rhys: No it’s alright, Jo. I’ll do it. Well hello. Ellie Stevens, lead singer in the singing group ‘Spice Chicks’, it gives me the greatest pleasure to welcome you to the Sim Gear test track, Ellie.
Ellie: Hey Rhys! It’s been a while, hun.
Jo: Erm, hi.
Ellie: Hey guys.
Jo: If you’d like to get ready and we’ll prepare the car for you to do your lap, Ellie.
Ellie: Oh ok. Thank you.



Rhys: Oh anyway… come here Ellie. Aw! It’s been so long, hasn’t it? The last time I met you on tour was weeks ago… how’s things been?
Ellie: Absolutely fine, Rhys. Not been doing anything really. You been alright?
Rhys: Yeah, sure.



Ellie: Oh this is so nerve-wracking. I’ve never done anything like this before, driving around a track.
Rhys: I know, it’s not easy being first, but you’ll be fine, Ellie. Just drive around the track as quick as you can, ok?
Ellie: Ok.
Rhys: In your own time, Ellie. Get ready with the stopwatch, Jo!



Rhys: And she’s away! Fast start, Ellie! First corner here she goes, steers it in nicely, bit of understeer.



Rhys: She’s corrected it as she’s turning into the second corner. Very good.



Rhys: Here she is on the straight now. The power goes down. Listen to that engine growl!



Rhys: She’s past the third, past the fourth and the fifth; she’s taking on the final corner! It’s looking good!



Rhys: Amazing! She’s across the line!



Jo: Well done.
Ellie: Why thank you.



Jo: So how do you think you did?
Rhys: I’ll tell her.
Jo: But… Rhys! I was going to tell her!
Rhys: Your time was – 47.3 seconds! How do you feel about that? Your first!
Ellie: Well that’s good! I’m at the top!
Rhys: Rightly so, you are.

DriverTime
Ellie Stevens 47.3s



Jo: Do you want to get some food? Or entertain yourself by playing football? The next guest will be here soon!
Ellie: Ok. I’ll have some salad.
Rhys: Don’t eat the turkey; Jo’s had his hand inside it. Poor thing.
Jo: I cleaned them before, though.
Ellie: Oh that’s alright. I don’t like turkey.
Rhys: Oh there you go, Jo. She doesn’t dislike your hand, it’s just she doesn’t like turkey.
Jo: Oh right, ok. That’s fine. I hope it’s eaten by the other guests though… so no waste of turkey, it wasn’t slaughtered to be left at the Sim Gear test track.



Jo: So, Ellie. How was your lap? Do you like the track?
Ellie: Yeah. It felt good. The track was very smooth as well. It’s some nice tarmac laid down there. Allows you to get some more speed on the straights.
Jo: Did you like the Seurope?
Ellie: Hm, it’s quite good. I remember my father had one of those. He took me to school in one.
Jo: Oh right, did he? That’s interesting. Yes, the Seurope is quite an old car, 1983 model’s ours, and it’s a cracking car. 0-60 in about 13 seconds, not bad for a car like that is it?
Ellie: Certainly not.
Rhys: Jo, I don’t think she understands what your saying when you speak about the car.
Jo: Well what do you expect, Rhys? This is a motoring show, if you don’t like it then you can bugger off.
Ellie: Haha!
Rhys: Hey! Take that back.
Jo: Well get use to it then.
Rhys: Alright, I’ll try. But I won’t bugger off.



Ellie: This salad is a bit… erm…
Rhys: Oh it’s probably because Jo prepared it.
Jo: No. I didn’t do anything to it. Apart from prepare it…
Ellie: Oh it’s only a bit… it’s a bit…
Jo: It’s alright love. I’m sure it is. Just eat it. Don’t want any food being wasted. Oh look our second guest!



Ellie: This is actually disgusting, Rhys.
Rhys: Well he’s not exactly the culinary expert, neither of us are.
Ellie: Yeah, but this is seriously disgusting.
Rhys: Oh we’re saved.
Ellie: Hey?
Rhys: Now there’s someone who can cook us up a decent meal…





Jo: Jamie! I knew you’d arrive!
Jamie: Oh hi Jo! Hey, is that Ellie Stevens over there?
Jo: Oh yeah. My co-presenter Rhys Fisher is flirting with her.
Jamie: Oh Haha! Rhys? From ‘The Rhys Fisher Show’?
Jo: Yeah. If you’d like to make your way to the car…
Jamie: Oh ok.



Jo: Go! Go! And he’s already coming up to the first corner. This is quick. Come on Jamie! Beat Ellie!



Jo: Here he is. He’s turning it in.



Jo: He’s through. Down the straight and coming up to the final few corners…



Ellie: Ok then, Rhys. Let’s play! You’re in goal first.
Rhys: Wh… why me?
Ellie: Get on with it. Watch and learn. Make way for Ellie Stevens…



Rhys: Bugger.



Ellie: Woohoo! Spice power! Girls rule!
Rhys: Get off the track, Jamie’s on his lap!



Jo: Oh and Ellie has almost got herself ran over by Jamie Cooke. No she’s gone! Anyway, final corner for Jamie. This is a good run.



Jo: Oh he’s losing it! He’s losing it! He’s off the bloody track! But he’s… across the line!!



Jo: Ok well, Jamie. That was a good lap. Ellie did it in 47.3 seconds. Do you reckon you’ve beaten that?
Jamie: Sure.
Jo: Oh well of course you’ve… not beaten her.
Jamie: What? Is that a mistake?
Jo: Erm, sorry no. I was hoping you’d beaten her, too. You did it in 49.1 seconds. Terribly sorry.

Driver Time
Ellie Stevens 47.3s
Jamie Cooke 49.1s



Jo: Oh look our third guest is here…



Rhys: Oh my god!
Jo: What?
Rhys: It’s…
Jo: Who is it? I’ve never seen him in my life. Oh hang on…



Rhys: Rob Bean. The most argumentative guy on Denevian TV.
Jo: Bugger. You invited him, didn’t you?
Rhys: Erm…
Jo: You…!
Rhys: Welcome him then.
Jo: But you invited him!
Rhys: I’m talking to Ellie!
Jo: Urgh…



Jo: Oh no…
Rob: Hey! Are you that guy off Sim Gear? Wasn’t it that bloke over there who invited me? Who are you?



Jo: Oh I’m Jo. Would you like to make your way to the car?
Rob: Car? Which car? That blue one over there?
Jo: Err no… it’s a Dover Seurope.
Rob: A what?
Jo: A Dover Seurope.
Rob: A what?
Jo: A Dover Seurope...
Rob: A what?
Jo: Oh just get in that ‘blue car’ over there then…



Jo: And the most argumentative man on Denevian TV is away in the Dover Seurope.



Jo: And here he comes down the straight… Er, Jamie. Get off the track!
Jamie: I’ll walk near the wall. I’m only taking these plates away.
Jo: There’s nowhere to put the plates. Get off the track!



Jo: No! Don’t leave the plates there! Get off!
Jamie: Ah!



Jo: Rob watch the plates! Oh he won’t hear me. He can’t even hear me when I’m right next to him… goodbye plates…



Jo: Ouch that didn’t sound too good… Rob’s just ran over the plates, Rhys.



Rob: Hm, have I just hit something. Or is this track bumpy? Never mind. I’m nearly done. You stupid! Stupid! You Pathetic, bumpy, stupid track!



Jo: And he’s across the line…



Jo: Right. Rob! If you’re wondering why we haven’t said your lap time yet it’s because we’re going to reveal it now, as no more guests seem to be coming and we’ll be revealing the quickest celebrity of today! Ok?
Rhys: Ouch! That hurt my ears, Jo. You don’t need to shout!
Jo: But he’s deaf. Did you hear that?
Rob: What?
Jo: Anyway…



Rhys: In third place, with a time of 49.1 seconds, it’s Jamie Cooke!



Jamie: What? So I’ve been beaten by a woman and a nutter?
Ellie: I’m just too good for you, Jamie.



Jo: I’m sorry, Jamie. I would have loved you to do better. It seems Rhys has picked the faster guests. This doesn’t mean you’re slower than Rob Bean and Ellie.
Rhys: Life’s not always so easy… Jamie. But thank you for coming. Anyway, the fastest of the day. It’s between Rob and Ellie. I can now reveal… that the quickest with a time of 47.3 seconds was Ellie! Rob you did it in 48.5 seconds!



Jamie: Well done Ellie! You did it!
Ellie: Yeah well I’m not the winner though. Other guests will probably come on this show and beat me…
Jamie: Yeah, but be pleased. You can go home and tell the media that you’re a quicker driver than Jamie Cooke and Rob Bean. It’s an achievement, Ellie.
Ellie: I suppose so.



Rob: Oh why did I lose? Haha! I’m quicker than you at least though, Jamie Dodger!
Jamie: Don’t you dare call me that.
Rob: Can’t I call you whatever I want? Nobody messes Bean.
Jamie: Will you shut up for once, Rob.
Rob: Ha no. You can’t stop me either, because I’m Bean. Rob Bean.
Jamie: Urgh. Shut up please, Rob.
Rob: I’m annoying aren’t I?
Jamie: Bloody well so! Now do you want me to come and snap your jaw or are you going to shut that trap?
Rob: Haha! Neither of those is going to happen!
Jamie: But would you…!



Nathan: Erm, I think that Rob Bean bloke is crazy… he well and truly has a problem. Stop arguing man! His voice his ringing in my ear from watching that. Anyway, it’s just about time to end. Sim Gear will be back next week as usual with just me, Eddie and Jo. Don’t forget Rhys will feature in every first of every two episodes. He’ll join you again in episode 3. Anyway, for now - goodbye.