episode free: bomb a yomo, trigger zalo

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[size=200]RPM[/size]
Series: 01
Episode: 03
Written by: Luke Enfield
Produced by: Crimson Media
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[warning]AGE RATING: 12+
CONTAINS: STRONG LANGUAGE, ADULT HUMOUR[/warning]


Nathan: On tonight's episode of RPM... Selford looks beautiful...!



Nathan: And whatever this is, doesn't.





(Crowd cheers)

Nathan: Hello! Yes... hello! Thank you... thank you very much and welcome! Welcome to RPM once again! It's our third episode, can you believe it? It's gone so slow I reckon? Don't you reckon that? No, oh well, never mind. Anyway! With RPM in full swing now, I've been asked by the producers to reflect back on the previous two episodes, and although with weak spots, all-in-all we're doing pretty good. Things though haven't been great for the production company recently, and basically the studio scenes of today, which were filmed on a Friday of course before you watch this the following Wednesday, have been directed by a temporary director, because our former director has well... it's self explantory for most people. But we're going to carry on fighting, and it's time to cut back on our idiocy over the past weeks, and begin to turn your attention back towards you. And Hans and I did that a couple of weeks ago, where we went to see whether you can still pick up some naughty little second-hand bargains, a large fraction cheaper than what you should be paying. So, here's that film!



Hans: We've not been idiots and left Denland like Warren would, because yep, we're still in Selford.



Nathan: Let's go find some whopping deals chum!
Hans: Here we headeth, a car dealer ladies and gentlemen!
Nathan: In this Dover Meriteer Mk1, a bloody good car if you ask me.
Hans: Certainly.





Nathan: Now there's no point in denying this but it's best we visit as many car dealers within a five mile radius of the studio, since we're situated in that kind of shop and dealer-frenzy area, and we'll pick out the best deals from every dealer and filter the outrageous stuff out.



Hans: So, in we go, let's see what we can find for a fair price.
Nathan: Yes, lets. This dealer looks promising...



Nathan: Although, forgive me if I'm mistaken, but has that sign just said 'Sod cars'?
Hans: Uhm... yes.
Nathan: What!? Sod cars?
Hans: I'm bemused as to why it says that, let's go in and ask.



Nathan: No, no! We've came here to find a good used car deal, remember Hans? We're not investigating why the dealer is called what it is.
Hans: Yes but... Nathan... are you entirely sure we've came to the right place, there's a Montgomery Banker over there...
Nathan: Yes, and? It could still be cheaper than you'd expect, and also, it's a Broker.
Hans: No, I'm pretty sure it's a Banker.
Nathan: It's a Broker you idiot!
Hans: Banker.
Nathan: Broker.
Hans: Banker!
Nathan: BROKER!
Hans: ...Ok.
Nathan: Thank you!
Hans: Banker.
Nathan: You little...!



Hans: And yes, it most definitely seemed that we had found ourselves a dealership too upmarket. We'd started on a low... or did we?



Nathan: And there we have it. An Anthracite, now that's surely no way near of a similar price bracket to the Montgomery, so you was wrong.
Hans: Oh really? And how much is this?
Nathan: You know what... I don't know.
Hans: Don't you? Neither do I.
Nathan: Oh yes, excuse me!



Dealer: Hello and welcome to Sody Cars, how many I help?
Nathan: Oh you're called Sody Cars, I thought you were called Sod Cars!
Dealer: I beg your pardon!?
Nathan: Sod Cars!
Dealer: Sod Cars? Oh! Yes... unfortunately our dealership was vandalized not too long ago, hence why the 'Y' is missing on 'Sody'.
Nathan: Ah, now I see. So why Sody?
Dealer: It was founded by Mikhail Sody, a Soviet businessman who also worked in your kind of work actually...
Nathan: How do you know what line of work I work in?
Dealer: I saw you on Sim Gear!
Nathan: Oh, let's leave that out shall we... and move on to the Dover Anthracite over there...
Dealer: Yes.
Nathan: How much is it?
Dealer: How much is it in what? Marshmallows, monkeys, bedknobs?



Nathan: Oh please, don't be all smart-arsed with me...
Dealer: We use two kind of currency in Denland Mr. Radcliff, every country uses simoleons as well as their own currency.
Nathan: In simoleons then...
Dealer: §6,550.
Nathan: Ok, thanks.
Dealer: Is that it now? Can I go, because I'm feeling quite indimidated by you right now.
Nathan: I'm sorry!?



Hans: Look Nathan, don't you think it's best we left now, please?
Nathan: Not until I hear what he has to say...
Hans: He's on television, he's not going to be honest. Do you think he'd honestly lie in front of all these beautiful people watching at home?
Nathan: I think that he did mean it and that he doesn't care for the punters at home... he only cares for himself and Sod Cars!
Hans: As a matter of fact it's not called Sod Cars, is it!?
Dealer: It's Sody Cars!

(Argument fades out)



Hans: Before Nathan got angry enough in order for him to combust, we decided that here we found nothing decent enough, so we made a run for it. As a matter of fact, the Anthracite, according to the Dover website, was now §6,750, so it's gone down in price slightly, but yet, it's not a great deal. So we was going to find them, and the best cars that we could search for were bound to be classics. So, we set to it.



Nathan: Now THIS is more like it! Slightly run down, simple, and yet effective. I'm sure there'll be some great used car deals here...
Hans: Hopefully, there will be.



Nathan: And indeed there was. Wow! A Sanders!
Hans: A Montagno!? Surely not! We competed against the like these in the lower classes of the Alterran Rally Championships... if I could find a bargain one of these I'd buy it and thrash it about any day.
Nathan: We've got to drive this.
Hans: Throw me the keys.



Hans: WOOHOOO!
Nathan: You know, I can't express how baffled I am as to how Sanders were so good to drive, yet, as far as I can recall, critics spoke of them as utter crap!



Hans: Sanders were most definitely explosive cars to handle, a bit tricky, but overall a good challenge and when you got it just right, hell, it paid off!
Nathan: Yep, I've got to admit, this is a wonderful car. But now I guess we're going to be disappointed.
Hans: How come?
Nathan: Well, the producers gave us a bit of a game. We're to drive this, deliver our verdict, all before slipping open the glovebox, to reveal a ticket with the price of this very car on it.
Hans: Juicy.
Nathan: Indeed. So, let's run the numbers. It's got a 2.2 litre Straight 6 engine...
Hans: A truly great joy to have under that bonnet, I'd say!
Nathan: Although good to ride on flat ground, hitting a few bumps is not entirely comfortable, but, at least Sanders made the effort to improve the suspension, they made it from worse to let's say...
Hans: Bad. I'll be honest it's not particuarly brilliant, but you'll live.
Nathan: Yeah, exactly. So... there's not much other to say about this car over than it's fast, uncomfortable, but just bloody good fun on a flat, straight piece of road.



Hans: Indeed, so Nathan. What do you predict this Sanders to cost?
Nathan: §2,000 I'd say... and you?
Hans: I reckon more towards §2,500.
Nathan: We shall see who is clostest...
Hans: Reveal!
Nathan: It's actually §1,750!
Hans: So you're clostest on prediction, so I believe it's right to award you a point. And it's quite a shock, that's very cheap.
Nathan: Cheap very much! Next!



Hans: Wow, this, a Dover Andromeda SixPower!
Nathan: With a mind-boggling 3.5 V6! This is pure power that is as if you've only just discovered such power that's so outstanding.
Hans: Hmm, yeah.
Nathan: I guess this'll do over 150mph?
Hans: I'd guess so. Can I just say, it looks fantastic.
Nathan: Indeed, and this one's my turn. Let's say we give it a tour around the most beautiful Selford!
Hans: OH YEAH!



Nathan: Oh, hang on, I'm sorry. I just want to sit in here and soak up the atmospherics of this wonderful creation.
Hans: I couldn't agree more. Just as though at least we get to drive it before the sun goes down...
Nathan: Oh, we will.



Nathan: Haha HAHA! Look at us GOOOO!
Hans: Oh yeah bitches! I may have just wet my pants...!
Nathan: This is so unbelievably amazing I may just have to go to the lavatory... just listen to this.
Hans: What?
Nathan: Ok, accelerating, going to change gear...

(Gear changes in a crackle and a pop)

Hans: Oh, that's heaven...
Nathan: That wonderful little crackle and pop... it's so authentic and a trait I miss so much on the cars of today... old cars just sound so awfully amazing when you change gear.
Hans: It's suddenly dawned upon me that this car is literally better than sex.
Nathan: Hmm yes, indeed. I don't know how you know what sex is actually like though Hans...?
Hans: Screw you Radcliff.



Nathan: So it's no wonder that this is an all-round perfect package, thanks to its amazing looks, it's speed, the ride is considerably good too.
Hans: You see that's the problem, when manufacturers make cars like these, they get carried away, concentrating on speed and handling, while forgetting about comfort and passenger safety.
Nathan: Most definitely. If a child were to be in the back seat, they would be thrown through the front windscreen even with a shunt up the backside from Terry the Milkman in his Milk Float.
Hans: Well, it's very delicate, it must have been extremely expensive to make, a true one-off from Messr Coffield and Co.
Nathan: It was even designed by a Arazian bloke, and that pretty much explains it all.
Hans: If you want reliablility, head to Denland...
Nathan: And definitely not the UFSR...
Hans: And if you want a design that is so good you're actually considering whether you should forget about how nice your wife looks, go to Arazia and hire a bloke with a moustache and glasses, it works.
Nathan: And stay away from the UFSR for that matter, once again.



Hans: Let's reveal the price.
Nathan: Indeed. I think, a car like this in such good condition, I'd think around §12,500 would be a safe guess.
Hans: I think we're going to be surprised... I'll guess §10,000.
Nathan: And the price is...
Hans: No...
Nathan: What's wrong?
Hans: I think I may well have to purchase one of these very, very soon...
Nathan: How much is it Hans, tell me!



Hans: §4,950.
Nathan: Nooo... no way!?
Hans: Yes, way.
Nathan: Are you sure? Let me see that!
Hans: Ok.
Nathan: Crikey.
Hans: Hmm yep.



Nathan: With us both on a point each, it was becoming aware then that there are some great deals out there, you've just got to know the place to find them. And with luck, you may just find them as easy as we did. Especially, in the shape of this.



Nathan: WOW!
Hans: Watch out, 'cos there's a Blizzard about.
Nathan: Where?
Hans: Here, you idiot.
Nathan: It's funny you say that because I'm actually staggered by this, so much so that I'm beginning to feel cold and all the hairs on the back of my neck are stuck up.
Hans: It's utterly brilliant.
Nathan: Let's take a look around this beauty.



Hans: McRowan, you beauty. I'd pay a lot of money to have one of these.
Nathan: Hmm, it's funny you say that, since we may just find out that you may not have to pay a lot...



Hans: It looks somewhat stunning in this urban environment too.
Nathan: Most definitely. It's an unlikely mix, but it works.
Hans: It's not stunningly beautiful, but it somewhat is.



Nathan: Yep.
Hans: The traditional interior festooned with Doversport red is fantastic, that's beautiful, but the exterior is fantastic but not in a way that the Andromeda is a masterpiece.
Nathan: I suppose so, yes.
Hans: I think it's time to reveal the price. What do you reckon?
Nathan: §5,000, somewhere around that.
Hans: I'm going to go with §4,500. If the last two cars are anything to go by I think we've came here only to be shocked.
Nathan: Reveal all.



Warren: Oh! You stopped it at a good moment!
Hans: That's because we'd like you to hear it all for yourselfs, you, the audience and everybody watching at home.
Warren: Ok, come on then, how much was it?
Hans: A staggering §2,500!
Warren: That's cheap indeed. But I see your prediction was closer, which makes you the better presenter for suggesting a price for a car by judging it.
Hans: Indeed it does. So I guess you have to accept defeat, yes, Nathan?



Warren: Nathan?
Nathan: Oh yes you are, you're a good little doggy, aren't you?
RPM Dog: (Barks)
Nathan: Who's a good dog? Who's a good dog?
Hans: Ah. Never mind.
Warren: Oh well.



Nathan: I suppose you didn't do too bad Hans, but the fact of the matter is that there are cars out there that are way cheaper than you could ever reckon. Like we said in the film, there are some great bargains, its just that you have to look for them.
Hans: Indeed.
Warren: So, I guess it's now time to introduce my segment...
Nathan: You're a good boy aren't you?
RPM Dog: (Barks)



Nathan: Now before Warren introduces his film where he goes to another country... again...

(Audience laughs)

Nathan: After the series, we're to embark on a challenge in the new year, which is a long while away I know, but just to make you clear on things, our producer has a busy schedule and we're restricted to no more than preferably two series per year. So to balance things out, we're going to introduce a feature-length one off episode special kind of thing to keep you entertained in the off-season for all you RPM fans out there... and we're planning to take RPM dog with us, so it's about time I gave him some tuition...
Hans: Oh no, please don't.
Nathan: Now, RPM Dog! You shall run to the bottom of the studio, and you shall stay! GO!



Warren: OH NO!
Hans: F***! Get it off the couch! AH NO!
Nathan: RPM Dog! RUMPERS! RUMPERS, OVER HERE NOW!



Nathan: NOOOO! RPM DOG! NO, don't run into the audience!

(Audience screams and laughs)

Nathan: Rumpers!
RPM Dog: (Barks)



Hans: Oh dear, he never learns... over to you Warren.
Warren: Yes, well, we're sorry for our friend's incompetence once again, it's now time to move on the my segment. Now, twenty years ago the huge topic in the world of motoring journalism was the combination of Yomoshoto and Landwhale, working together to produce and develop several cars for each brands, all with new materials, all with new methods, it was an experiment to see what such two different countries from two very different sides of Alterra could do together. There was the Landwhale Zenith and the Yomoshoto Starlight, most renown and most recently. Both brands leading different current busy developments, they upgraded the Starlight recently with a new faster, more powerful engine, while it being surprisingly more efficient too. This, was obviously a small project to break the ice when the anticipated people were put of their misery. This was most definitely a sign of things to come from the YLG group, and I, went to Shellas, to find out why.



Warren: The Desert Rumane, Shellas. It's the fourth longest desert, in the entire of Alterra. That's fascinating, but not as fascinating as it being the second most humid, and indeed the flattest desert in the whole of Alterra. That makes it a perfect place then, to test out this.



Warren: The Yomoshoto Starlight 3.2 Excellent. It looks, indeed the same. The exterior is purely magnificent, especially when the colour is white like this model we have here.



Warren: The interior however, is still the same. It's quite bland, unfortunately.



Warren: There is no more room in the back to kick back and spread you feet.



Warren: No upgrades to the wheels neither, no fatter tyres, nothing enhanced or refined at all.



Warren: It's still inspired by it's predecessor, the hugely succesful yet frankly ugly Yomoshoto Evasion. Inspired it seems, but with that Landwhale touch, to lighten things up a bit regarding it's backside.



Warren: The fact of the matter is, I've came out here to analyze the changes made and make an educated journalists guess on what things we're to see come from the YLG group in the future. It could just be a one-trick pony, this here could spell the start, but equally as likely the end for the YLG group. They've added a new 3.2 V6 to this model the Excellent, the top range trim of all the Starlight range. But, you know... it's a shame. The original produced 272bhp, which, was reasonable. This however, produces 295bhp. Well... what a difference that made. It's gained 20bhp and I cannot understand as to why that possibly could not be a waste of money and time. Yomoshoto say this still will do no more than 155mph. Was it really a pointless investment?



Warren: As far as YLG are concerned, no, it isn't. They've introduced new brake pads, a new stiffened suspension, and... that's about it. Oh, although, there is an optional extra, you can have orange brake calipers for an extra 350 GV. which is obviously a fashion statement, and pretty pointless. So, I don't see what was the point. Did all these minor investments pay off? We're going to find out...



Warren: And then that's going to be the point while Landwhale step in to rain on the Yomo's parade, with the still original Landwhale Zenith here, still with the simple yet effective 2.4 L4 engine, how does it compare against the Starlight? Because as far as I'm concerned, the Starlight was slightly quicker anyway, so it should be a walk in the park for the Starlight, despite it not being much an improvement on the previous in my opinion...



Warren: They both look brilliant, they share the same chassis, and are of similar performance on paper. And quite predictably we're going to give them a one mile drag race.



Warren: But they won't be alone...



Warren: We've enlisted the help of some more yobs, this time with some wheels. With quick acceleration these are in fact powered by extremely quick Yomoshoto engines. We was in for a hell of a tough ride.



Warren: These quad bikes are quick, light and surprisingly powerful. They may not have the statistics on paper that will pay off in order to defeat the Yomoshoto or the Landwhale, but they sure are quick at accelerating, and I doubt any of us are going to reach the cars top speeds on these rough sands. So they have an advantage here, most definitely.



Joshua: Hello.
Fritz: Hello there...
Warren: I'm Warren, nice to meet you.
Joshua: Joshua, nice to meet you too.
Fritz: I'm Fritz, it's good to meet you. So, you ready to lose?
Warren: I'm unaware as to if I'll win or not, so I wouldn't go jumping to conclusions. The quad bikes have fast acceleration, while the cars have good straight line speed. The question is whether the cars will be able to catch you in time before you reach the chequered flag.



Warren: And who was going to take the wheel of the Zenith...?



Warren: No, he's not a Desert King, but he is indeed a Formula One King.



Warren: Yep, we've enlisted the help of Jean-Clark Masterson, the West Sarbodian double-world champion to take the wheel of the Zenith. A huge obstacle then, that I was to overcome.



Warren: Hello.
Jean-Clark: Why hello there...
Warren: Are you ready to take on myself and two yobs in this epic confrontation?
Jean-Clark: Sure, I'm always ready.
Warren: Although you're retired.
Jean-Clark: What?
Warren: You're retired. Retired from F1, no?
Jean-Clark: It doesn't mean I can't overcome any obstacle that trys to get in my way...
Warren: Righto then. Let's get to it.
Jean-Clark: Sure.



Jean-Clark: May the best man win...





Warren: Wish me luck viewers, I'm rather nervous about this one. But still, we've got to see what this thing's capable of.



Warren: We lined up at the starting line, and from then on it became a waiting game for the claxon to sound and for us to set off and race.

3...

2...

1...



Warren: Here we go!



Warren: Oh no! Jean's got me there I reckon, although I was expecting the quads to get a good getaway.





Jean-Clark: Oh dear, that's a very good start from those kids. At least I've kept Warren at bay, as I'd expect.



Warren: Maybe I've not done so bad to come into last as we began the race. The quad bikes have phenomenal acceleration, and let's just put this into perspective - I'm racing against a double-time F1 World Champion... I hope the speed can kick in soon. We'll discover whether this bigger V6 really paid off...



Warren: The quad bikes were sure to be racing one another for some time before either myself or Jean-Clark could begin to contend. But we were picking up speed, and we were sure to catch them soon...



Warren: I'm beginning to feel that speed now! Here it comes! WOAH!
Jean-Clark: He's closing in now... come on Zenith...



Jean-Clark: It's no wonder to me really why this sold well in the UMC, very well indeed, it is rather good I've got to say. It's not a fantastic experience, although I didn't think this car was built with people willing to drive this thing on a desert in mind...
Warren: I'm definitely closing in on that Zenith now, it's going to be a close finish, most likely a photo-finish.



Warren: Come on! Just give us some more little Yomo! Come on!
Jean-Clark: Damn, speed up!



Jean-Clark: The manual gearbox fitted on this is rather unresponsive in comparison to an F1 car definitely, and I'm struggling to cope here. I drive road cars obviously, but nothing this slow... I'm disappointed.
Warren: I think I've got it in the bag. But the quad bikes? That's a question I can't answer yet.



Warren: Yes! I've just about got the Zenith!
Jean-Clark: No!



Warren: Is that... is that what I think it is!? Yes, that's the finish line, here we come, here we come! Come on Starlight!
Jean-Clark: There goes my Sunday...!



Jean-Clark: However, I'm quick approaching this one here, this could be a good finish!



Warren: 117mph I'm going according to the speedo... so definitely the quad bikes didn't come with much of advantage, if any advantage for that matter!



Warren: AND ACROSS THE LINE! SECOND! SECOND! I'm gutted I couldn't get that quad bike, but I'm pleased overall. Second, not bad.
Jean-Clark: Third, reasonable. Still I got beat by a hairy TV personality though... bad day, bad day...



Warren: With a first and last from the quad bikes, yet a reasonable second and third from the Zenith and the Starlight, it was time to reflect back on the Yomoshoto's performance in the race and to answer the question as to whether it was a pointless investment.



Warren: Well, congratulations on your win Fritz, but how do you find the Starlight?
Fritz: Obviously I've never driven one, I don't drive much, I drive an old Smoogo myself, but yes, it looks reasonably fantastic to look at, and it's proven to be very quick indeed.
Warren: Most definitely. How did you find that race then? Did you think we'd finish so close to you?
Fritz: No, as a matter of fact. But the sand must have been thinner today, which played obviously in your favour I think you'd agree.
Warren: I'm not really sure, it seems fine to me. It's all just a pack of excuses, Fritz.



Fritz: Is it really?



Jean-Clark: That quad bike was awful...!
Joshua: It wasn't. It's a good little runner and I'm rather happy to remind myself of the fact that I didn't finish too far behind a Formula One driver.
Jean-Clark: Blame the car, the gearbox wasn't great, and I'm not used to driving cars of that kind of performance, as you'd expect.



Warren: To be honest, we could have argued and made excuses all day, the fact was the Starlight handed the competition superbly, but was it really an improvement at all?



Warren: Quite frankly, I've driven the Starlight before, and it didn't seem much exciting to drive as opposed to the Zenith. The Zenith felt quicker even if it wasn't. However, I felt with this that the engine is rather keen to rev, and it's pretty smooth too. Apart from that, nothing is much greater, and it's lead me towards a slight disappointment. Perhaps its down to the extra two cylinders that make this car heavier, thus it being not much faster than the 2.4 litre version. Which evidently proves that this was a pointless investment. I doubt anybody is going to buy this, I wouldn't. How does it compare to the Oleg, its big predecessor? It definitely carries the performance that the Oleg never did, this Mk2 with mixed reviews being good and reliable as opposed to the SMED 720 Sport, its big rival in the Alterran Rally Championships at the time, but... well, it's quite honestly a tad on the ugly side I'm afraid.



Warren: Isn't it really?





(KA-BOOM!)



Warren: I don't mean to be mean, but I've never liked Yomoshoto, and I probably never will unless something dramatic happens soon. The Evasion I found boring, and both Oleg's, especially this Mk1 Oleg, particuarly boring. It's materials were cheap, the ride quality wasn't excellent and I don't know anybody who I've known over my years in motoring journalism who actually liked an Oleg. Not even particuarly a Yomoshoto.



Warren: If I were to choose a best Yomoshoto, it would be the Ninja. Simple, not really a charmer to look at, but it wasn't a bad runaround and it was quite a loveable car. It definitely felt different from the rest.



(KA-BOOM!)



Warren: If I'm honest, it wouldn't have made a difference whatever we did to these horrible cars from the past. They were rather succesful, only among the less fortunate crowds. But to be quite honest, they weren't great, and it upset me.



Warren: Let's face it. I've ruined two cars because I don't like them. How selfish of me. The fact is, the Starlight I've just driven has gave me the vision that YLG is coming to an end, just like the Yomoshoto-Hunka alliance, and indeed, it'll most likely come to a sticky end. Putting a 3.2 V6 in a car that was released almost three years ago proves a lack of ideas and gives me the impression that YLG are running short of ideas...



Warren: And that, this... the Yomoshoto Starlight, was genuinely their last hurrah, for real...



Warren: What a complete shame. Another car manufacturer, relying on others, once again, is going to face a sticky end... I'd choose a Suzawa over a Yomoshoto any day, regardless of whether it runs on hydro-electricity...



Hans: Well what a pointless video...
Warren: I'm sorry, I wasn't in the greatest form, the heat began to hit me and so I was losing sweat and so decided to pack two Olegs with explosives.
Hans: And you're serious that that is the last we'll see of Yomoshoto?
Warren: No, I'm just saying, things are probably going to go downhill in my eyes. The Starlight is a good car and looks fantastic, but the improvements were minor and it was indeed a waste of money. It was a bad decision from Yomoshoto-Landwhale.
Hans: Do you think the similar events were related to as to why the Yomoshoto-Hunka alliance came to an end?
Warren: I'd believe so.
Hans: Hang on, who's this?



Nathan: Sorry, I had to come to terms with RPM dog... and it didn't go well...



Warren: Quite evidently things haven't seem to have gone so well and I think not one of us is good friends with RPM dog at the minute.
Hans: No, he bit me the other day.
Nathan: And he tore half my clothes away... I tell you he likes trousers. Look - I look like Arthur with my awful fashion sense, with my trousers that look like awful shorts. They really don't go well with the shoes I'm wearing, unlike what they were when they were once trousers...
Hans: Hmm... shame.
Nathan: But never mind that... what a stupid, useless film that was once again Warren! We can't trust you on your own can we?

(Audience laughs)

Warren: No, hang on.
Nathan: No, you hang on. Everytime the producers give you a segment to film, you go out to another country, include half of that country's population and participate in usless challenges. And you blew up two Yomoshoto's!
Warren: Well, hang on. That's something you might have done, sunshine.
Nathan: Why did you do it? Why!? Once again you proved nothing and that was just a boring film... you could have at least gone to a more cultural part of Shellas...
Warren: It was a flat desert, we must have been in the middle of nowhere, we couldn't have Marsciterians left right and center dancing the Hula and singing could we? We went there to test the Starlight and so we did.
Nathan: And it's a bloody good car.



Hans: I don't seem to recall the SNA last week you tested being a good car though hey Nathan? Apparently the Denevian Media is literally raping the subject of whether you've taken it too far.
Warren: Absolutely. In fact, we've some letters to read from the SNA Owners Club, so stick by folks, these may lighten your day a bit, since I must be honest today's episode hasn't been brilliant guys, has it?
Hans: Well no, not really. We can do better, let's put it that way.
Nathan: Especially you can do better. And what have they said?
Warren: Well, quote Markus, the SNA Owners Club Vice-Chief: 'Nathan is a prick. He likes to be the center of attention and certainly that was the case last week when he drove that Nadya. It is a good car and Nathan said what he said for the sake of the viewer's entertainment, accept from the fact that it wasn't very entertaining and we all decide to turn over from now on and watch pornography on Channel 8 whenever Nathan is in a segment on RPM. We don't mind Warren, but we like Hans though. He can come join us any day, and we don't care if he doesn't drive an SNA'.

(Audience laughs)

Nathan: What!? Hans, you was most definitely biased in the last episode for that Lisa, and somehow they want you to be a member of their club? That's insane!
Hans: For the last time, and I mean it this time, it's a LESIA!
Warren: Oh yes, and that's probably got the Lesia Owners Club going again, especially as we've already recieved a letter of complaint from them.
Nathan: Oh for the love of...
Warren: Here we go, it says: 'Dear Nathan, it's a Lesia. Stop acting a dick. Yours sincerely, Bob - Creator of the ARCAchat group 'It's a Lesia''.
Nathan: WHAT!? Some people are so stupid they've created a group dedicated to how I like to refer to a Lesia?

(Crowd goes silent before cheering)

Nathan: Oh, did I get it right for once, I called it a Lesia? Oh, woo!



Hans: Indeed you did. But as people have been saying, you're a dick, and you need to get your act together. It's not funny anymore, and like you was telling us on the first episode, YOU should be shot at dawn somewhere in Eastern Seurope, and that, is THAT.

(Audience cheers)

Nathan: No! NO HANG ON WAIT! I...yes I have a letter regarding you Hans... and it's from a lady.
Hans: Oh, really? Read it out then.
Nathan: Indeed, I shall. It reads (Coughs and clears throat): 'Dear Hans. You're adorable. Your fashion sense is wonderful and I think you're cute. But, there is one thing. SHUT THE F*** UP ABOUT CALLING US BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL LIKE MY EX-BOYFRIEND WHO CHEATED ON ME LAST WEEK, AND HE'S DENEVIAN. SO SPEAK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE OR I WILL COME ROUND TO YOUR HOUSE AND STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR FASHIONABLE NECKLACE!'
Hans: Ok.
Nathan: Ok?
Hans: Yeah, obviously if that's the case then, she's not beautiful. I'm pleased her boyfriend cheated on her since that's why he obviously did it, because she's not beautiful and her temper obviously can't handle that fact. She's not Denevian.

(Audience cheers)

Warren: (Chuckles) Haha!
Nathan: Hmm, true I guess!
Hans: (Smiles accordingly) It most certainly is true. I'm sorry to her boyfriend who may have been upset by those views that have been expressed.
Nathan: We should have you as RPM's very own Agony Aunt! What do you say?
Hans: No thanks.
Nathan: (Chuckles) Haha...



Hans: And so that really is all we have time for tonight, and we could have squeezed more in but we was just basically too incompetent and put on a disappointing show for you tonight, partly because of the problems regarding the production company I reckon. Never mind, join us next week when we're all back together again, in Denland, so no Warren going off to a foreign country and composing completely useless roadtests, it will be the gritty fun and banter you saw in Episode 2, although, with less offensive remarks from Nathan, we hope! Anyway, thank you for watching if you wasn't watching that big football match on SBC with Selford against Granton... COME ON SELFORD! Anyway, that probably shouldn't downgrade our reputation too much since most of you beautiful people were drinking a beer, watching football and completely missed this dreadful episode. Goodbye!