Episode One (1)

Rhys: Hello and welcome to a brand new spanking series of Sim Gear! This series, it’s going to be better than ever. More explosions, more cars, more challenges, more guests. This is Series 3 – the ultimate series of Sim Gear.



Eddie: Yes, that’s absolutely right Rhys, the best series ever! We even have a new presenter!
Jo: In return, we lose somebody, and that’s Nathan….
Eddie: Yep…
Jo: Anyway – forget him. Let’s talk about our brand new presenter! And guess what?



Jo: He isn’t even here yet!
Eddie: Joseph, I think you may be wrong.
Jo: He’s here?
Eddie: Yes, he is…



Jo: The thing is, I can’t quite see him yet.
Eddie: Look outside and you will see. I think we better move!
Jo: No, don’t be stupid. I’m not moving, I’m presenting a bloody TV show!
Eddie: Move!



Jo: No!
Eddie: Jo just move!
Jo: Oh, I see!
Rhys: Argh! No, help me!
Eddie: Move Rhys!



Eddie: Oh my god!
Rhys: And he’s supposed to be our new presenter?
Jo: Yeah, he’s an idiot isn’t he?
Rhys: No! I think he’s quite cool!
Eddie: What!?



Eddie: Oh no! He’s heading for the seating area! No not the Meriteer! It’s been there since last year!



Jo: Oh the complete imbecile!
Eddie: Drat!
Rhys: I’m still convinced he’s proper cool!



Arthur: Yes, it is I. Arthur Nedmonds. The presenter of TSA… and now… the presenter of Sim Gear!



Eddie: Hang on, now wait a minute? Arthur?
Arthur: Yes it’s me! Don’t touch me!



Eddie: Why what have you turned into!? Don’t touch me? We’re best friends, Arthur!
Arthur: I know we are, I’m not one for hugging in front of an audience.
Eddie: Oh. Nice for you to wreck the studio.
Arthur: Meh, it’s ok. Don’t thank me!



Arthur: So you see my Lamell there…?
Eddie: Oh shut up, please. My Smoogo is so much better!
Arthur: No it isn’t!
Eddie: Let’s just see you in action, for once Arthur.



Arthur: So today, it’s my first challenge and indeed first appearance on Sim Gear. Jo, Eddie and I were set a challenge to find a classic executive car with a budget of §10,000. I did this properly… and I brought this.



Arthur: The truly amazing Smord Blackwood! This trim level has a whopping 300 brake horse power! It’s a rocket! It’s bloody big as well! In a straight line, quite a long straight line obviously, you will reach 150 miles per hour! Splendid!



Arthur: It is Smord’s flagship model, very fast indeed. The car has taken many prizes in the Alterran Touring Car Championships and is also well known for being a popular getaway vehicle, used by bank robbers or even mafias.



Arthur: So Mr. Mafia man? Could you fit a body in the boot? Well… the car is five meters long so definitely you could fit a body in it. It’s so big in fact, you can fit not one, not two, not three but possibly four bodies in it, well they would need to be rather skinny in order to make that possible.



Arthur: Honestly, you could park a bus in the boot. A large one. A very large one.



Arthur: Imagine that… no I can do better than that. How about this?



Arthur: How about your whole street on top of it? How about no. I’ll stop now. It’s really not that big.



Eddie: But what also is big, but won’t fit a street or a bus on it is this… the Dover Meriteer HLS Doversport V6, or as we like to call it, the Doversport Meriteer.



Eddie: 229 brake horse power, a top speed of 144 miles per hour, so that’s not quite as fast as the Blackwood, but I’m sure its capable of beating it!



Eddie: It cost me §7,500, quite cheap to be honest for such a beasty motor like this one.
Arthur: Oh no! Bugger! He’s got a Doversport Meriteer, I love that car! Um, I guess he wont remember that even if I say its crap – darn I so love it. But the Blackwood is even better I think! The noise when you put your foot down! That 3.5 litre V8 grumbling… grrr…!



Eddie: This is such a great car! The noise! The handling! It’s so close to perfect, but the thing is, I love the Smord Blackwood! It was my childhood dream to drive one of those!



Eddie: I guess I’m going to have to stick with this, but it is still one of the best cars in the world, I think!



Jo: Yeah, but… then there’s me you see with this… this… I don’t know… this stupid piece of junk. Honestly… there was nothing better at the car market I went to!



Jo: Speed… about 142 miles per hour. 215 brake horse power… not bad I suppose… it’s not very exciting. It’s pretty boring and dull to be honest. And that’s a problem because our first challenge… if you could call it that, is to see which of the cars we’ve brought is the prettiest.



Jo: The Yagundai Sinfonia GL. It’s not bad, it’s not great, but the Doversport Meriteer and the Smord Blackwood are so eye-catching. Incredibly sexy… we men have more of a thing for those two cars than women’s breasts. This isn’t exactly pretty, so it’s about the equivalent to a penis. Yep…



Arthur: I’m going to race him…
Eddie: Bloody Arthur… little boy wants to race. I’ll show him what this car is made of!
Jo: Oh, seems Nedders and Edster want a race.



Jo: Oh, I’ve been overtook. Joy.
Arthur: Oh no! How can this be happening? Last? But that Meriteer is frankly amazing…



Eddie: Yes! Victory is mine!
Arthur: Haha! Goodbye Joseph!
Jo: Yay! Overtook again! I really love the penis. Oh no, hang on, that didn’t sound kind of wrong to you did it?



Eddie: Losers! Losers!
Arthur: Diddums… that was close my friend. The Blackwood would turn Sue Williams on however!
Jo: What I meant about the penis thing… well, don’t take it the wrong way, I’m not… I’m not… gay. I referred the Sinfonia to a penis, which…





Jo: Guys! You have picked some really great cars! My Sinfonia is, quite frankly… rubbish.
Eddie: Erm, I think your quite right Jo! Crap in fact!
Jo: Yep, well it’s alright but it’s just dull. It doesn’t feel like an executive car, it feels like a bus that takes a million years to reach 60 miles per hour!
Arthur: Haha! The Blackwood is truly amazing! It’s a rocket on wheels, and yet it’s probably the same size as your car, it doesn’t feel like a bus!
Jo: You really can criticize my car, but don’t criticize me for buying it! It was that or something completely different like a yellow Smoogo 720 with a rusty black door the previous owner must have picked up from a scrap yard. Urgh.
Arthur: Let’s sum this up then. So the first part of the challenge, prettiness, well the Sinfonia is pretty dull, Jo, so you have no points Joseph.
Jo: Cool!
Arthur: The Blackwood is very slick and sexy, so I think it could take the point.
Eddie: Argh, but its not pretty you see, you said its not pretty, you said it was sexy. It’s about pretty cars Arthur, not sexy cars.
Jo: Haha! Nice one Eddie!
Arthur: But…? I meant that.



Eddie: Ah, and the Meriteer is quite pretty, its very striking with its red paintjob.
Jo: I agree, Eddie… but the Blackwood is still quite pretty… no actually I don’t think so!
Arthur: It is!
Jo: No because Arthur is correct, it’s sexier than pretty, good point Arthur! The Meriteer wins.
Arthur: But, oh… have it your way then! The Meriteer is still stunning however, I must agree.
Eddie: And as we all know, I won the race so its two points to me, none to the Blackwood and none to the Yagundai.
Arthur: Let’s compare prices next. Mine cost a rather staggering §9,900, which ok, is pretty expensive to be honest!
Eddie: Arthur, it’s not pretty expensive mate, its just expensive, we know the Blackwood isn’t pretty.
Arthur: For god’s sake, Eddie… let it drop haha.
Jo: Haha, you crack me up Edster! My Yagundai was cheap as chips at §4,755.
Eddie: Indeed that is cheap but the car is crap so that’s quite a good price tag for it. And then my Meriteer was §7,500!
Jo: Wait, so the Yagundai has won a challenge?
Eddie: It has!
Jo: Wow.



Eddie: That means you’ve beaten the Blackwood, Smord’s flagship model!
Jo: Unbelievable!
Arthur: Yes but come on, it is a pretty apoorling car, Joseph.
Jo: I’m sorry? Did you hear that, it’s a pretty apoorling car? It’s not pretty!
Arthur: Good lord when will this ever drop?
Jo: Ok. I admit it; the Yagundai was no way as good as either the Blackwood or the Meriteer. But with its speed, its looks – I think the Meriteer is our winner. Agree?
Arthur: Yeah, it’s a great car, I love this car and it is pretty and extremely fast.
Eddie: Of course.



Eddie: It’s in a world of its own. The Dover Meriteer HRS Doversport V6 MKII.



Jo: So it’s all agreeable that the Dover was probably one of the best cars we’ve ever seen on Sim Gear. Arguably – the best.
Arthur: Absolutely, it has all the ingredients to be such a great car. What a beast it is.
Eddie: It really is. So then Jo, it seems you’ve finally came out about your sexuality.
Jo: No, I am married to a woman and I have three children, that makes me gay does it?



Eddie: You said you loved the penis.
Jo: Right, A – I was being sarcastic and B, I was referring to the car, I said it wasn’t pretty and that men would prefer the Doversport Meriteer or the Smord Blackwood to women’s breasts because those two cars were so attractive… then I said the Yagundai isn’t so pretty and is about the equivalent to a penis.
Eddie: It wasn’t pretty, no. And we know for sure that the Dover was, but the Blackwood wasn’t because it was sexy.
Arthur: Oh not again… let’s see our special guest this week, we’ll hand it over to Rhys.



Rhys: Thank you Arthur. Now this week my guest is rather special. He’s a very famous Denevian singer and does many tours around Alterra…



Rhys: Ladies and gentlemen it’s Melvin Owens!
Melvin: Thank you Rhys!
Rhys: No problem, Melvin.
Melvin: Please, call me Mel.
Rhys: Ok Mel, so you’ve got your new album coming out soon? What’s that?
Melvin: That would be ‘Hope’ my new album, coming out this Monday in fact.
Rhys: Oh cool! I know I’ll be there to buy it in the shops!



Melvin: I’m quite proud of this album; it took me two years to produce and features some of my best singing I’ve heard for a long time. I’m really proud of it!



Rhys: Let’s talk about cars, what do you drive at the minute then?
Melvin: Ah I drive a Cermeydes and a Montgomery.
Rhys: Anything else?
Melvin: Oh yes, and a Smoogo 720 like everybody. It’s such an icon left, right and center.
Rhys: What was your first car then?
Melvin: Erm, my first car was an old Lelion Rosalie B I think; it was an old rusty one. The speedo never worked so I just had to travel as fast as the car in front to know what speed I was going. It was horrible – until I got some money after getting a record deal in 2004 and I got a brand spanking new Yomoshoto Evasion, it was a great car.
Rhys: That’s an interesting car history, now we’re going to see your lap around our track. How did you think it went?
Melvin: I think well.
Rhys: Well, we shall find out. Play the tape.



Rhys: Here we are at the starting line. And away we go.



Rhys: Boy that section was fast!
Melvin: Told you I was going well!
Rhys: Boy this is real good stuff, Mel.
Melvin: Thanks Rhys.
Rhys: Here we are, how you will take this bend I don’t know!



Rhys: Again! Fantastic! You’re flying through the course, final corner now, what’s the time going to be?



Melvin: And across the line! Wow, that was good!



Rhys: Melvin, well done! Your time was 46.4 seconds! You are at the top!
Melvin: Unbelievable!



Jo: That’s going to need to some money to fix that!



Rhys: Wow! What an eventful first episode to start series 3 off with! First with a bang introducing Arthur to the crew and then Melvin Owens setting the new quickest lap time in Star in a Seurope. We’ll see you next time where the studio probably still won’t be fixed, but next week is special anyway. You’re going to find out now, but from me and the rest of us – goodbye!