episode too-too-too is a rusty carr

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[size=200]RPM[/size]
Series: 01
Episode: 02
Written by: Luke Enfield
Produced by: Crimson Media
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[warning]AGE RATING: 12+
CONTAINS: STRONG LANGUAGE, ADULT HUMOUR[/warning]


Nathan: On tonight's episode of RPM... we all go watch a film at the cinema!



Nathan: And does Hans discover arcanet porn for the first time?





(Audience cheers)

Nathan: Hello! Thank you, thank you very much...! Yes, so, hello and welcome to another episode of RPM. Now, last week, Warren drove the Smoogo Artaka VD in Samerica, and for this week, it got us thinking. Should we carry on this whole topic of Semoonist cars? So the producers said 'Fair enough, here's §2,000. Go make a complete jerk of yourself and buy yourself the most valuable and reliable Semoonistical car for that money'. But they wanted to us to go to Riberia, and we said... or rather to say Hans and I did... that we will not go.





Nathan: And we didn't, we came to Selford instead. So it didn't cost us a goldvessel and the studio is just around the corner. And what have I brought with me today for the challenge?



Nathan: The quite honestly brilliant SNA Nadya 104! It originated from 1941, and it carried on to be produced until 1980. It was most certainly one of SNA's most succesful cars, and indeed, as much as I hate Semoonistical cars, this one is far better from the rest. It's so technically developed in such a way some people don't believe it's an SNA, but it is. The suspension was softened. They even put a huge 2.0 litre engine in it to give a top speed of 155mph on the Lagaun versions, and well, 2.0 litres was huge back then... especially for the boffins of East Sarbodia who didn't know anything more powerful could ever exist. And plus the awkward paintjobs on the Lagauns made them look like cut-and-shuts. Dear me.



Nathan: Next to arrive was Warren, in another SNA!
Warren: Hello viewers!



Warren: I've brought with me today the SNA Tolman 101 Sedan. Introduced in 1966, this was, like Nathan's Nadya, one of the most succesful automobiles to come out of the VEB SNA factory. This one even went to the USN and was sold over there. It had very poor sales I'll admit, but there was some Semoonistical cars that made it over there as originals and not huge re-developments such as the one of the Smoogo Artaka. The Tolman 101 was praised for its excellent weight distribution, build quality, refined interiors and the all new RWD platform that enhanced its sporty attitude. They even fitted a 2.0 litre engine in this beauty for the Lagaun trim. Although, I wouldn't have liked to be seen driving one of them though, and neither would you. The paintjob made them look a little bit like cut-and-shuts. Or let's say they DID make them look like cut-and-shuts.



Warren: You've got a SNA?
Nathan: You've too?
Warren: The Tolman I have.
Nathan: I hope Hans has something other than an SNA, but it'll be unlikely. Seeming as Smoogo's are awful, NovAZ's are acceptable but still not much more exciting than a Smoogo.
Warren: Actually, no... there is one good car we could have turned up in.
Nathan: What?



Warren: And to follow me and complete the set was Hans. And to mine and Nathan's surprise, Hans hadn't turned up in an SNA. Not even a Smoogo. But what was known as a 'Lesia'.
Hans: Morning chaps.
Nathan: (Mutters to Warren) Actually, he's not done a bad job.
Warren: (Mutters) Hmm...
Nathan: Hello Hans! I see you've brought with you a Lisa?
Hans: (Tuts) Nathan, it's a Lesia. It may be Karetian but it's not that hard to pronounce at least.
Warren: I'm surprise you didn't bring yourself a Fauch car.
Hans: (Chuckles) Ahaha... (stops smiling) No. There wasn't any. With the likes of Forfas and Trapaun long gone there aren't any that you can pick up on the markets of Denland.
Nathan: Hmm, shame.
Hans: Let's see what you've both brought then.



Hans: Both SNA's?
Warren: Yep!
Nathan: Of course! Obviously mine the better of the two!
Warren: Ah I wouldn't bet on that! The Tolman was praised for everything. Despite it being a flop in Samerica...
Nathan: As all Semoonistical cars are, Warren.
Warren: Yes, well whatever. Anyway, as I was saying, mine was...
Nathan: Also equally as crap in Seurope.
Warren: Well...
Hans: If I remember rightly the high belt line was spoiled during the transfer of the styling from the original sketch to the maquette, making it look disproportioned and utterly stupid in the process, much like you Warren.
Nathan: (Chuckles) Haha! I'd second that!
Hans: Not to mention the fact that the Lagaun looked like a cut-and-shut with that horrendous paintjob it had. The same for yours Nathan.
Nathan: Well, yes, you're right.
Warren: True, but neither of us have brought the Lagaun have we?



Hans: So we've established then that Nathan is an East Serman rapist president, Warren, you're an East Serman paedophile with a small penis, while as I am an average man with style and a capitalist influence.
Warren and Nathan: No, hang on!
Hans: What!?
Nathan: You drive a Lisa, nobody has heard of it...
Hans: The Lesia 224 was under-rated definitely, it's an unsung hero. You'll discover throughout the course of today that I've chosen the correct car.
Warren: Hmm, you haven't. I know sales of the Tolman were poor, but VEB SNA were nearing bankruptcy anyway and people could only criticize this car more and more in order to see them shut down. Nobody ever gave it a chance, chaps. And I will.
Nathan: Warren, everybody gave it a chance and it was simply awful, like every other SNA, Smoogo or Lisa.
Hans: IT'S A BLOODY LESIA!
Warren: Guys, I'm sorry to go off-topic, but where the bloody hell are we?



Nathan: Oh, well it's not the USN, I'm sorry to disappoint you Warren, but it's the brilliant Khoklov theatre! It's in fact just a few miles from the studio!
Warren: Great, so you're telling me we're conducting a test around the corner from where we're based? What drugs are the producers seriously taking?
Hans: Actually, one of them asked a dose off Teddy Harmer while you was in the USN, Warren.
Warren: No... they didn't did they?
Nathan: No, I'm sure he was just winding you up.
Hans: No, nobody was on drugs. Why do we need the busty broads and the beaches anyway? We've got beautiful Denland along with its even more beautiful people!
Nathan: Exactly, Hans is right...
Warren: Yes but...!
Nathan: There aren't any buts, Denland is the place my friend!
Hans: My thoughts exactly Nathan...

(Argument fades)



Nathan: We had all entered the cinema to watch a film before heading out to conduct our road test.
Warren: Before it starts, I'd just like to ask, what's the plan you and the producers have arranged? It's not against me in anyway is it because of my apparently 'pointless' and 'awful' road test last week was it?
Hans: No and no.
Nathan: What do you mean no?
Hans: No, it's not aimed to be in ours and Nathans' favour and no, I don't know what we're doing in order to conduct the challenges, I assume the producers will tell us as we progress, yes?
Warren: Hmm, ok.
Nathan: I would have thought so...



Warren: Hush now, the films starting!
Hans: This is my first taste of Denevian movies!
Nathan: (Smug) All the best actors come from Denland, Hans.
Hans: Obviously because they're so beautiful!
Warren: Nathan said actors, not actresses Hans. Is this making you open about your sexuality Hans?
Hans: Uhm, what?
Warren: Oh yes, the film!
Hans: What about it?
Warren: It's starting!
Hans: Oh.
Nathan: JUST SHUT UP THE PAIR OF YOU!



Hans: ...
Nathan: ...
Warren: ...
Hans: Why is that Moorish man running away from the dog?
Nathan and Warren: SHUT UP HANS!
Hans: ...



Hans: After the film had finished, we entered our cars and set off. The producers had told us that for our first test we must run from Selford to Rodford. On RPM, ten points were to awarded for the one of us who broke down the least, if at all. Followed by five points for second place, and third place equalled two points. So, hello and welcome then, to the Lesia 224 SE. This is where we'll go through this car for real. Obviously, for those of you who don't know, the 224 was one of the entries from the long-running nameplate of the 220 series. It was hugely popular in Barmera for some strange reason and today 40% of all Barmeran cars are registered as Lesia's. It's a mad mystery. Journalists, such as former touring car champion Frank Holly will tell you that this car is great for its excellent manoeuvrability and its small turning circle.



Warren: Now, the SNA Tolman 101. It wasn't the best SNA, but this I'm sure will put up a good fight with Nathan's cardboard box and Hans' Barmera car, believe me. I'm going to prove them wrong about last week, Semoonist cars do not break down... some of them can in fact be extremely reliable, especially SNA's. I don't care what the journalists think, on this show, we put views into your perspective.



Warren: My interior is clean. The gentlemen who drove this definitely had respect for it and kept it in good condition for the next buyer, so where is it evident that he didn't enjoy driving it? Although Hans' Barmeran car wasn't a bad idea, I'm pretty certain it cannot withstand the excellence of the Tolman.



Nathan: The Nadya. Completely ahead of its time, well, by Semoonist terms. I'll be honest, its not very good, but I've came out here to prove that its better than the Lisa and the Peadophile's wheels.

(Lound crunch)

Nathan: Oh, dear what was that?



Nathan: Slowing down... no... don't stop! Oh no! Haha, don't go now or else I'm not going to be very happy with you Mrs. Natalie Nadya!



Nathan: As it turned out, we were entering the urban side of Granton of what you don't see on Motor Maniacs, before my car decided to die just as we had almost arrived to Rodford. Fortunately, we had arrived just outside a wonderful Riberican-inspired minature palace.
Warren: A nice roundabout, ooh!
Hans: This car is bloody fantastic!
Nathan: No! MOOOVE!



Nathan: Guys! Slow down!
Warren: (Humming) Dee dee duh dum...
Hans: Oh why does Nathan have to spoil the fun? What's up with him? Or better to say his awful excuse of a car...?



Hans: What's the matter then?
Nathan: I was driving along, there was a loud crunch, and then it just stopped.
Hans: That describes most break-downs.
Nathan: This was just a stupid and pointless test.
Hans: Oh yeah, then how come its just you who has stopped hey? Warren and I are running along just fine.
Nathan: Stupid Natalie!
Hans: Natalie?
Nathan: Yes, it's a horrible girls name, and this a horrible car. I call her Natalie.
Hans: (Giggles) Haha... Natalie!?
Nathan: Yours is Lisa?
Hans: It's a LESIA!
Nathan: Yes, exactly... Lisa Lesia? It has a ring to it?
Hans: Never mind. Get in the car, and see if you can start it. Let's see what the problem is.



(Car revs)

Hans: What do you reckons wrong with it Warren?
Warren: I'm not sure, have you checked the spark plugs Nathan?
Nathan: Hmm, that's a good guess. Chances are the spark plugs are ancient on this and need to be replaced, it wouldn't surprise me if I was right.
Hans: Ah well, tough luck.
Nathan: You know a place where I can go get them checked out?
Warren: Fancy getting a move on Hans?
Hans: Yeah, let's go.
Nathan: Wh.. what!?
Hans: The challenge was to get there first uninterrupted, we can't let you hold us back, sorry.
Warren: Yep, sorry.
Nathan: Chaps!



Nathan: Chaps, come back!

(Engines start followed by driving away)

Warren: So long, oaf!
Nathan: WHAT!? Oh damn you two... I hope you crash and burn... in the Motor Maniacs studio for that matter...



Warren: Our next challenge was to arrive at a test track in Rodford. And since both me and Hans had arrived at the same time, we were to both be awarded ten points, while Nathan was to arrive on only two... that's if he did arrive...



Hans: Wow, this doesn't look bad at all!
Warren: I'm sensing a race is on the cards today...!



Hans: Hello Warren...
Warren: Hullo Hans. Oh uh... dear me my back hurts.
Hans: A test not in favour of the Tolman then...
Warren: Definitely not...
Hans: Well, can't deny that you was being honest at least.
Warren: How was your journey?
Hans: Comfortable, clean, pretty good all-in-all. It wasn't spectacular, but it made things feel good at least.
Warren: Jolly good.
Hans: You know when Nathan will arrive?
Warren: Nope.
Hans: Damn...



Hans: Miraculously, Nathan did arrive, a whole hour later...
Nathan: You stupid, STUPID CAR NATALIE! Look at the bloody time you moron!



Hans: Nathan... where the HELL have you been!?
Nathan: Uhm... where do you think? I fought the finger to the bone in order to find myself some bloody new spark plugs, and thanks to you two's incompetence I've been left to soldier on behind you.
Warren: You really don't care about the car, but just yourself, don't you?
Nathan: It's a stupid excuse of a car, I hate it.
Warren: Oh well.
Nathan: What's the challenge then? It's a race I guess... and if so I may as well commit suicide now because I don't stand a chance...
Hans: Ah... no it isn't. One of this track's trainee drivers is going to set a lap in a car, and we've to beat it. And there's a bonus ten points for anybody who beats him. So potentially twenty points are up for grabs here. Chaps, are you ready for it?
Nathan: No.
Warren: Absoulutely! Bring it on!



Nathan: WHAT!?
Hans: It's a Smord Armada Mk2 Coupe! Let's see what its got!
Warren: What's the matter Nathan, is that too hard for you to beat?
Nathan: No, it's far too easy! I've got a 2.0 litre four-cylinder 180bhp engine...
Hans: This isn't the crappy ST trim, Nathan, this is the XLD.
Nathan: So, we're up against a diesel?
Warren: Yep.
Nathan: Alright then, this should be a good dogfight.
Hans: 3...2...1...GO!



Warren: There's a good start there from the Coggie!
Hans: Nearing the first corner!
Nathan: This will be a piece of cake, non-regardless of Natalie's awfulness.



Hans: It cornered that nicely, the trainee is definitely giving that little four-cylinder diesel engine a hard time!
Warren: I'm sure all four of them are firing away nicely!
Nathan: That looks slow...



Nathan: ...and across the line!
Warren: That didn't look too bad, I wouldn't underestimate that performance, Nathan.
Hans: You next, Nathan. You arrived last.
Nathan: The Armada had mastered the track in fifty-seven seconds. It was down to me to deliver the goods.



Hans: This is going to be rather exciting to watch...
Warren: Especially with an oaf at the wheel...!
Nathan: (Sighs) Alright... no pressure. Let's do this thing!
Hans: 3...2...1...GO!



Nathan: Braking hard... oooh Natalie is putting up a good fight with me... the steering is so unaccurate.



Nathan: For example...

(Car clunks as gear changes)

Nathan: Natalie, don't be so rude! Yes, as I was saying, the steering is rather unaccurate and not very responsive. I turn the wheel quite a lot and it doesn't move where I want it to go... I think to myself... 'Is it that much... oh no! I need to give it more! THERE WE ARE!'. It's such a lazy piece of junk...

(Nathan bangs steering wheel)

Nathan: COME ON!



Hans: ...and across the line!
Warren: That lap wasn't bad actually.



Nathan: I had crossed the line with a time of fifty six seconds, beating the Armada by a whisker. I was guaranteed twelve points now so I was back in the game. If Hans and Warren failed to beat me, I would pick up the whole twenty points that were up for grabs. So, next... was the turn of a pretty girl named Lisa from Barmera...
Warren: Ok Hans... 3...2...1...GO!



Hans: Great start from the Lesia!
Warren: Woah! Look how he takes that corner...
Nathan: Yes it may look good but bare it in mind that Hans out of all of us has the most experience at things like this... rally drivers are up against the clock as well as each other.
Warren: Well, true.



Hans: She's breaking hard now as she approaches the final few corners... come on little Lesia!
Nathan: The Lisa conquering the corners pretty nicely there...
Warren: Seriously Nathan, you know by now that its called a Lesia, stop pissing me off, dear me.
Nathan: Shut up will you, you're my co-presenter, you cannot judge me!
Warren: I can judge whoever I like Nathan, we are all here to put each other right, thus we are all in charge of each other!
Nathan: SHUT UP!



Warren: And he crosses the line!
Nathan: In?
Warren: Fifty eight seconds.
Nathan: YES!
Warren: Oh yes, I forgot to ask... how quick... or rather to say, how slow did you do your lap in?
Nathan: Fifty six seconds!
Warren: Oh... so not only did you beat the Smord you're also two seconds quicker than Hans...
Nathan: Oh yeah!



Warren: Last but certainly not least was me and my Tolman. I was certainly adamant that I could beat both Nathan and Hans, and indeed the Smord.
Nathan: And coming at you live from the starting line at the Rodford Greenwood Race Circuit is a paedophile in an East Serman box ladies and gentlemen!
Hans: (Chuckles) Haha! He does indeed look stupid.
Nathan: His hair definitely makes him look like a male equivalent of a bunny boiler...
Hans: 3...2...1...GO!



Warren: Wonderful start! OH S**T!
Nathan: WOAH!
Hans: Oh dear, it seems to me as if he's caught the kerb and sent it spinning, haha!



Warren: N'awh bugger! Well... just because I'm facing the wrong direction doesn't mean I'm heading in the wrong direction! I can turn it around!



Warren: Oh! Wall...wall...WALL!
Nathan: Woah! He's a dare devil!
Hans: Is he mad!?
Nathan: I think he's preparing to make a second huge mistake...
Hans: At this rate you'll just see a wheel crossing the line and the rest of the car will be all mangled over the track.
Nathan: (Chuckles) Ha!



Nathan: And across the line!
Warren: (Pants)...Phew. That was scary.



Nathan: Well... that was certainly an eventful lap.
Warren: Don't tell me the time... I know it's bad.
Nathan: You did it in one minute and...
Warren: I know...
Nathan: ...thirteen seconds.
Warren: Oh dear oh dear.
Nathan: So, I won, and beat the Smord, giving me twenty points!
Warren: So you're definitely back in the game... and I guess I get two?
Nathan: And Hans gets five.



Hans: Erm chaps... or better to say you Warren.
Warren: What?
Hans: You need to come see this mate.



Hans: See?
Nathan: Oh dear...
Warren: Oh yes, I see it alright...!



Nathan: YOUR CAR HAS DONE A WEE!
Warren: Nathan, come help me push the Tolman off the leak, and let's see where its coming from...
Nathan: Bugger off! I'm not ruining this suit!



Hans: Don't worry Warren, I'll help.
Warren: Oh thanks Hans... you are helpful. (Sniggers) Unlike you Nathan!
Nathan: I only got this suit last week... no can do I'm afraid!
Hans: As if you cannot give a helping hand... its pissing it down with rain so you're soaking wet as it is.
Warren: (Straining) OOH COME ON! Holy plumbbob... this is heavy.



Hans: There we go... that should do it.
Nathan: Oh dear, that is big.
Warren: (Sighs)



Nathan: Hans offered to help Warren and give him a tow to a garage, unlike when my Nadya's spark plugs gave in and neither of them offered to help - I was now pretty angry even though after the laps we had done I was in the lead.



Nathan: We were told that for the next challenge we were to be given an MOT test, a test then that would certainly be in Warren's favour after his huge oil leak.



Warren: Jamie, is that you?
Jamie: Warren?
Warren: It is! Oh, how have you been?
Jamie: Yeah, not bad thanks Warren! You?
Warren: Good ta, good ta! What brings you here?
Jamie: Well I just found a job working here and yeah, it went from there pretty much.
Warren: Great, I'm pleased for you. I'm on a new show named RPM now, it's coming to you in March!
Jamie: That's brilliant!



Warren: Oh come on, I haven't seen you since Julie's 43rd, give us a hug pal!
Jamie: Uhm, I'd rather not.
Warren: Why?
Jamie: I'm quite dirty.
Warren: Oh right, I see.
Hans: As Warren discovered that the mechanic was in fact his former next-door neighbour, Nathan and I were filling up at the pumps.





Hans: So then, what do you think was wrong with Warren's car?
Nathan: My guess is that his gaskets have been worn.
Hans: Possibly.
Nathan: Don't you find it funny how his car leaked just after he had set a dreadful lap, only to add to more frustration for him?
Hans: No.
Nathan: What?
Hans: We left you and found it funny because you're a loud oaf who can only shout to resolve something, but Warren kept calm, I felt sorry for him.
Nathan: Aw are you two all loved up? Playing a game together and staying loyal just to see me suffer?
Hans: No.
Nathan: Is it because I'm winning too?



Warren: While Meg and Chrissie bickered towards one another, my car was succesfully being MOT'd.



Warren: Followed by the Lesia...



Warren: And also the Nadya...



Warren: And after the tests that had been conducted... it was time for Jamie to deliver his verdict on which car had scored the best in the MOT.
Jamie: Ok, so I can reveal... that in third place with an all-round score of twenty six, was Warren.
Warren: Oh...
Nathan: (Chuckles) Haha!
Hans: Oh well, bad luck Warren.
Warren: Fair enough. What was wrong with it by the way after I had the leak?
Jamie: It seemed to me as if it was just a normal high oil pressure issue.
Warren: Oh, not to worry then!
Jamie: Although the reason why you had lost was simply because the rear seats were lose, a definite hazzard if you ever made an emergency stop and there was children on the back seat.
Nathan: They'd obviously fly and land into a field somewhere else in Grantonshire...
Jamie: Yes. And anyway, I can reveal, that the winner of the test was...

(Long silence)



Audience: Awwh!
Hans: Oh why did that happen!?
Nathan: Nope, I'm sorry! We'll have to find out what happened later on, because its time to move on for a short while.
Hans: How come?



Nathan: Ah well, because if you remember last week, Warren and I did the deal that if I found the Smoogo Artaka VD good to drive, I'd give him 5 goldvessel. If otherwise, he gave me 5 goldvessel. Let's see what happens shall we?



Nathan: Ok then, here goes.
Warren: And don't try and say it's apoorling for the sake of your money and for being on TV. Promise to me that if you like it, you like it.
Nathan: Ok, ok! I will be sure to do that, now get in and let's go for a ride.



Nathan: So the dash then? As you said, it's pretty simple.
Warren: Yep, most definitely.
Nathan: I'm not saying thats bad, it makes things better for those who are rather un-organized and don't see bloody buttons if they're right in front of their face.
Warren: How do you find the ride then?
Nathan: Hmm, it's smooth.

(Changes gear)



Nathan: It's smooth but quite boring.
Warren: That's ok though, yes?
Nathan: Not really. It's still rather dull and sluggish.
Warren: Oh come on! Put your foot down and you will see!
Nathan: Ok.



Nathan: Nah, it's not exciting me, honestly. It's definitely an improvement on any other Smoogo, so that's good, but it's not brilliant.
Warren: That's your conclusion? Well, that's 5 goldvessel you owe me then.
Nathan: NO! That was if I liked it...
Warren: No, I got the money if you admitted it was definitely better than any other Smoogo, and you just did!
Nathan: I refuse to give you 5 of my golvessels!



Warren: So once again, Nathan was an oaf in that short test, and he always will be!
Hans: Oh hang on, we never actually knew what you was betting for, therefore...
Nathan: Therefore I won't give my goldvessels to Warren, and neither will he give any to me.
Warren: No!
Nathan: I prefered it, but I didn't like it as such.
Warren: He's only saying that because he's on TV, come on, admit it! You liked it didn't you? Yes, you did!
Nathan: (Smiles) Haha yes...
Warren: You see!
Nathan: (Stops smiling) No.

(Audience laughs)



Warren: I don't think you're telling the truth, I'm convinced Nathan, now you don't want to fall out with me this early do you? We still have four episodes after today's episode and you wouldn't want to ruin...
Hans: Excuse me!?
Nathan: I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT...!
Warren: Shut up!
Hans: Ok... now let's return to the action earlier before Nathan and Warren bite one another's head off, I'm sure you won't find it very pleasant.



Jamie: Yes. And anyway, I can reveal, that the winner of the test was...

(Long silence)

Jamie: Hans!



Hans: YES! COME ON!



Nathan: Oh dear...
Hans: YEAH WATCH ME DANCE LOSER! HAHA!
Warren: Wow. Quite a victory.
Hans: I get ten points and I'm back in the game.
Nathan: So what does that make now?
Warren: You came last in the first test, giving you two points, then you got twenty somehow for beating the Armada and us two in the lap times, and you came second giving you a total of twenty seven points.
Nathan: Ah, not bad. You?
Warren: I got ten in the first test for finishing equal with Hans, then I lost the second and the third, so I've got fourteen points.
Nathan: HA!
Warren: And you Hans...?

(Hans continues to dance and sing)

Nathan: HANS!
Hans: Twenty five points.
Nathan: Oooh, it's close!



Nathan: Oh uhm Warren, you may want to check this out!
Warren: What!? Oh it's not leaking again is it?
Nathan: No.
Warren: Oh. It's on a disabled parking bay.
Hans: Yeah we better run away before somebody realises that we're to blame.
Nathan: Yeah bye Warren.
Warren: Hang on, let's get going.



Nathan: After a hectic day, we left the city while I took the chaps to a countryside hotel, of which Grantonshire thrive of. We changed clothes and went to eat lunch.



Nathan: Was you sure you didn't want anything to eat here Hans?
Hans: I'm sure.
Warren: (Mouth full) Hmm, this is lovely.
Nathan: Not a fan of Denevian culture hey?
Hans: No, we ate plenty of lobsters like Warren did back home.
Warren: It's nice, you should try it!
Hans: I'm not hungry.
Nathan: Not at all? You ate nothing yesterday and you haven't today, what's wrong with you?



Hans: I can eat, but I don't want to.
Warren: Oh.
Nathan: I'm starving.
Warren: Me too, its finally nice to eat a wonderful meal and knock back a bit of 1976 Blau Jayne red wine.
Hans: Blau Jayne? That doesn't sound like a Denevian wine.
Nathan: No, in fact Denevian people don't make wine. We don't get the weather to grow such a thing in a vineyard.
Warren: Although, if we were to continue testing old cars like we are today, we could let the cars fumes rise into the air, and see Alterra enter a global warming crisis, then we'll get warm weather, and then we'll grow wine, the first of those places will be well...
Nathan: Here. Grantonshire. It's the most rural region of Denland.
Warren: Hmm, good idea. Perhaps the most rural in Alterra.
Nathan: (Chuckles) No I wouldn't take it that far haha.
Hans: May I just ask... what are you two on about?
Nathan: Sguildforshire is terribly rural, Hans.



Warren: Probably more rural than the little town you came from in Rodherland, Hans.
Hans: No, because in the Spring and Summer seasons my father worked on a farm, as well as my mother, sister and brother. The rest of the time is snowed and everybody was sat round the fire indoors.
Warren: Hmm, sounds cozy. How come you didn't work on it?
Hans: I was only six before we couldn't afford to grow crops or anything anymore so we sold it to a 48-year-old transgender named Sam.
Warren: Sam!?



Nathan: Sam!? Haha! Well, I guess since they were a transexual and you couldn't make out whether they were a man or a woman, perhaps the name 'Sam' balances things out since it can be both a man and a woman's name.
Hans: I didn't know. They worked on the farm and we never had anything to do with it after then.
Nathan: As I said earlier, I'm starving.
Warren: Get some food then you lazy beggar!
Nathan: Alright.



Warren: After Nathan's ordered pork chops had arrived to the table, we began to turn our attention back towards the cars.
Hans: So what do we agree on then, so far chaps?
Nathan: It depends by what challenges are upcoming.
Warren: Ah! I happen to know that unfortunately we won't be doing any more driving today.
Hans: Oh.
Nathan: That's a shame.
Warren: But the remainder of the challenges are just as important. Messr Enfield told me that we're to find the cheapest quote we can for the cars we're running, and see if Semoonist cars really are any cheaper to run than it would be as opposed to a Capitalist car.
Nathan: Cheaper, definitely cheaper.
Warren: Most likely, but which one will be the cheapest? And also, after that, we're going to sell them in an auction. And the one who's car sells for the most, wins!
Hans: Interesting.
Nathan: Definitely, I always find auctions exciting. The smell, the noise, the grubby people in the audience who dream of buying the cars but their benefits aren't enough to pay them, and also not forgetting the auctioneer who speaks so fast you are lost in the mist of the room.
Warren: ...
Hans: ...
Nathan: Don't you think so?
Warren: No.



Nathan: Alright then, so we've done all the driving we can for today. Thoughts on my Nadya then?
Hans: Uhm, it broke down firstly, but it was pretty fast I must say which wasn't so bad, then it didn't do so bad in the MOT test, although it was beaten by my Lesia, hmm, all-in-all I don't think the Nadya has done a pretty bad job actually.
Warren: Mind you, that break down earlier yesterday was quite ridiculous.
Nathan: Hey! It was the previous owners fault for not replacing them spark plugs and making sure that everything was in working order!
Warren: If you say so...
Hans: And Nathan, after your experiences with the Nadya, are you prepared to change your views on Semoonistical cars?
Nathan: No. The Nadya was to be honest quite awful. One of the worst cars I've driven definitely. The gear change is always late, the steering is unaccurate, I spent the whole of yesterday going nowhere and the speedo isn't even synchronized.
Hans: Righto then.
Nathan: Overall, I don't like the Nadya, but I still believe its better than your two excuses for a 'Semoonist car'.



Hans: Alright then, fair enough. Thoughts on the Lesia people?
Warren: Well, Nathan and I had admitted at the start of the test yesterday that...
Nathan: ...You'd brought a stupid and utterly awful car.
Warren: Ah no. You said that Hans hadn't made quite a bad choice.
Hans: Is this true?
Nathan: No!
Warren: You've just previously admitted that the Nadya was the best choice out of the three cars we brought with us yesterday, but you regretted the fact that Hans' Lesia was actually better!
Nathan: Look, it's a good car, but I recall it to be unreliable. It looks good, feels good I'm sure, but it's just a Karetian chocolate bar, you know, like the ones you don't like with nuts in, the ones that are always still remaining in your tins of sweets from the new year? It's like that but with a pretty Barmeran wrapper on top to make it look like something delicious, but it isn't.
Warren: No. I think you're wrong. Although it didn't beat you in that lap we set, it still came close, so its pretty fast, and it was the most reliable and passed the MOT test with the most points. I don't like to accept defeat but I'm afraid I have to. The Lesia is brilliant.
Nathan: It's not brilliant. It's better than our SNA's, I'll put it that way. And think of it Warren, you had to accept defeat the moment you stepped into that Tolman mate, it was bloody awful you and me know that. You've definitely finished last today.



Warren: It may be old, it may be rusting, it may be slow, it may leak oil, it may have lose rear seats, but I will claw back many points soon, just you wait and see. Now's where the money comes into play.
Nathan: Oh whatever, I'm still confident this challenge will finish in my favour. The Nadya is poor, but the Lisa and the Paedophilic cardboard box are poorer.
Hans: For the last time, it's a LESIA!
Nathan: I CAN CALL IT WHATEVER I FLIPPING WANT TO! ITS HOW I LIKE TO PRONOUNCE IT!
Warren: Quiet, keep your voice down!
Nathan: I don't think that... Warren! SHUT UP! I don't think that you've even got a chance in hell of winning this the pair of you!
Hans: No Nathan, seriously, be quiet!



Singer: Excuse me!? You're putting me off singing here fella's. Could you keep it down a bit?



Hans: Oh we're terribly sorry Mister, I must apologize on my friend's behalf for his terrible behaviour.
Nathan: Me!? Me!? You brought this one yourselfs!
Warren: Oh please, let's just find an arcanet cafe in this darn town and find some quotes.
Hans: Yes, let's go.



Warren: After that, we found some computers and set to work.
Nathan: Look, I'm sorry for my incompetence over lunch chaps, best of luck to you all.
Warren: (Tuts) I should think so too...
Hans: Warren! Don't be like that! It's good you've apologized Nathan, we're sorry too.
Nathan: For what?
Hans: Leaving you behind earlier.
Nathan: No, it was a race, nobody would care.
Warren: If you say so.



Hans: Ok, now to keep this fair we're all going to enter our age as 35, it's a pretty average age for any bloke who's willing to buy a car, and with this, everything should be fairly equal in terms of fairness. Ok, now let's see the quote.



Hans: No... NO! WHAT!?
Nathan: What's that Hans? You've got a quote? I guess it doesn't seem to good then?
Hans: Bugger off! No, you're completely wrong! The quote's only §885! For the rise of inflation it still sounds like a lot of money but for today it isn't. It's a saloon car with a rather large engine as opposed to something a teenager would have in their first car.
Nathan: Oh, I bet I can do better than that.



Nathan: Oh. Bugger. I can't.
Hans: What's it to be Radcliff?
Nathan: §1025.
Hans: Ah, you've a bigger engine, it's an easy guess. You should have brought a car with a smaller engine.
Nathan: Bugger off! And then not win the lap times challenge and gain twenty points? Nah. My 2.0 litre engine wouldn't have beat the Smord.



Warren: Uhm, chaps, you know you saying about me being out of this? I've got no chance of winning, yes?
Nathan: Well, yes. You haven't.
Warren: I SAID I'd fight back.
Hans: So?
Warren: So? So what? My quote is §675.
Hans: What!?
Nathan: WHAT!? So you're saying I got a cheap quote and yet I'm last?
Hans: You kept saying to yourself that you brought the right car and you hadn't. The fastest, yes. But let's just think of it - if you didn't have the fastest car Nathan, you'd be out of it by now. And speed, it's not all that matters.
Nathan: Well... it is.
Hans: It isn't.
Nathan: It is.
Warren: Anyway, that's that. Next test please!



Hans: Next was the turn of the auction. The higher our cars sold, the better. Once entered, they were no longer our cars. It was a waiting game for them to turn through the door and be sold in front of everyone.



Hans: My Lesia was the cleanest, the best looking, and it's in black which is terribly sexy, it's going to go for a lot of money.
Warren: You bet hey? My Tolman was kept clean, it's white, so at least people will be able to see its exterior is clean unlike your car Hans, because if its black they're not neccesarily going to see the muck, are they?
Nathan: My Nadya was at least clean, simple, and fast. The rest of it was crap, you know, but... it should be interesting to see what it goes for.



Auctioneer: Here we've got a 1939 BNB Oberon T38 450 ladies and gentlemen! Who's going to start us off then? Five hundred sir? Five hundred... five ten... twenty... thirty there thank you.



Nathan: Eventually, after a while waiting, we began to see our cars come in to view. The nerves increased.



Nathan: My Nadya!



Auctioneer: We've an SNA Nadya here guys, who's going to start me off? One thousand sir? One thousand... One ten, one twenty...
Nathan: Yes! It's going good!
Auctioneer: One thousand one hundred sir at the back?
Nathan: Come on!

Moments later...

Auctioneer: Two thousand and one hundred... going once, going twice... SOLD!



Nathan: Haha! How about that, hey?
Warren: Not bad, not bad.
Hans: Oh look what's next!



Warren: C'mon little Tolman!
Auctioneer: Who's going to start us off at five hundred?
Warren: Five hundred? No!
Nathan: (Weazy laugh) HAHA!
Hans: Oh dear.

Moments later...

Auctioneer: One thousand and six hundred, going once, going twice, SOLD to the wonderful lady over there, thank you!
Warren: Not bad, I guess.
Nathan: Not bad, haha?
Warren: It seems this first challenge certainly hasn't been in my favour.
Hans: Haha!



Hans: And finally, it was the turn of my Lesia.
Auctioneer: Ok, who will start us off at one thousand ladies and gentlemen?
Warren: Oooh, it's going to be close!
Nathan: Nobody bid!
Hans: Shut up, you'll put them off!
Nathan: It's dirty!
Hans: (Whispers menacingly) Shut up!

Moments later...

Auctioneer: Going once, going twice... sold for one thousand eight hundred.
Hans: Not bad, not bad!
Nathan: So, I've won that, followed by Hans, and Warren, you've finished...
Warren: ...last.
Hans: ...last.
Nathan: ...last. Most definitely!



(Audience cheers)

Nathan: Thank you, thank you!
Hans: Well...
Nathan: Yes, well.
Warren: We must now tot up the scores on the door!
Nathan: Indeed! So, in our first challenge, the run from Selford to Rodford...
Warren: Both Hans and I finished that, so we get ten points, and you get two for breaking down.
Nathan: Yes, yes I do. And then we had the lap times though, where I got twenty points for beating you two and the Smord!
Hans: Ok, yes. Neither me or Warren beat the Armada, but since Warren made a few mistakes, I get five points, he gets two.
Nathan: Ok, and then that was followed by the MOT, Hans you won, I came second and Warren was a complete disaster thus only collecting two points yet again.

(Audience laughs)

Warren: Yep...
Nathan: And then for the quotes, Warren, you fought back with an amazingly cheap quote, you winning that with then points, Hans collecting five and me two.
Hans: Then next came the auctions, Warren's sold for the least, giving him two points, me five and Nathan ten!
Nathan: So... so I've won!? I'VE WON!

(Audience cheers)



Hans: WOAH WOAH WOAH! Quiet! Now, here's where money comes into play. Let's calculate the scores so far. So, Warren?
Warren: Yes?
Hans: You're on twenty six points.
Warren: Brilliant.
Hans: I'm on thirty five, and Nathan you're on thirty nine.
Audience: Ooooooh...!
Warren: So, I'm out. It's down to you two.
Hans: First though, how much was your car Warren when you brought it?
Warren: §1500.
Hans: Ok. Nathan?
Nathan: §2000.
Warren: Oh, so I'm not last there then?
Hans: Nope!



Warren: So, unless yours was cheaper Hans, you've not won. Esentially it needs to be cheaper than mine, because you'd still miss out by a point.
Hans: My car was...
Audience: Oooooh...



Hans: §1300 which I think you will find makes me... THE WINNER!

(Audience cheers)

Nathan: Oh bollocks.
Warren: Hard luck!
Hans: Haha!
Nathan: So, Warren, this goes to show then that, you, who thinks you know more about Semoonistical cars than any of us, hence why you had belief in that Smoogo last week, it shows that you actually no nothing about Semoonist cars at all and we can prove that they're awful and definitely not the way forward!
Warren: NO!
Nathan: Yes, we can!

(Audience cheers)

Warren: No!
Nathan: Face it Warren, Hans won with 45 points, followed by me with 41, you only managed to score 31. You did utterly dreadful.
Warren: I'll admit, I chose the wrong car. I chose it simply because I wanted to give the Tolman a chance, unlike others. It wasn't a bad little car.
Nathan: It was crap.
Warren: No it wasn't.
Nathan: Face it, it was.
Warren: Alright, it was.
Nathan: And as we said, Hans made the best decision for buying the Lisa, it's definitely a great car.



Hans: HEY OLD MAN! HOW DID YOU LIKE THAT HEY!? I've won! And for the last time Nathan, it's a sodding LESIA!



Nathan: (Chuckling) Whatever! And that's all we've got time for today, join us next week while we finally move on from the topic of Semoonist cars, and Hans and I look for great used car deals! It'll be a great episode, we'll see you then, goodbye!