Desert Diary 5: A Moonstone Spectacular (Part 1)

Insert random APAT intro here because it used to be attached to the depressing post previously associated with the rest of this feature


Original Air Date: December 2014 (This is also chronologically the final Moonstone piece prior to the 2021 reboot)

A Moonstone Spectacular

Insert warning of bad language here

Once upon a time, lived a very special person. A man. Well, technically a man. A special man. Relatively special anyway. However you want to interpret the word "special" is up to you, and you'd all still be right-he was one like no other-passionate, charming, witty, idealistic, determined, light-hearted and commited... He was also a mentally challenged moron. Who else could we be talking about? None other than Luke Enfield!... Oh wait, no, that other guy. You know? That other guy who became something of the second half to the Enfield duo? The second half that's equally important to the duo as the first half? Yeah, him. This was a man who was born and bred in Denland. The north of Denland. Neath. Greatest place in all of Denland, even if he himself doesn't think so. Even if he himself is saying this and pretending to be someone else. This was a man who had the love of his life from the age of 12. This was the man who lost that love and set off with a new love to live in the great union of countries that are Marvegan... That's the United Marvegan Countries... The UMC... Marvega. This was the man who lost that love as well whilst over there. You get the idea-this was the man who was none other than a failure. In his eyes, he was a success. To his friends, his peers, his family, he was a success. His "family." But what about the people who went by that name long before the ones who go by it now? Well that is what we are here to discuss.

My name is Frank Tarren, and this... Is not my story. This story is of a man who looks like me, sounds like me, and is me... But isn't me. Who is he? Why he is Mark Davison. And this evening... Or afternoon... Or morning... We venture to his former world.

The Orderly Routine



The UMC. Kelderhope. The Wasteland. A place I hold so dear to my heart that I would die to serve it. Except it doesn't have its own wars, so I don't need to risk that much, thankfully.



I'm a spontaneous son of a bitch. But let it be said I do like my occasional life routine from time to time. No it's not a rut, it's a tradition. A homage. A dream.



Every morning... Usually... I'd find myself awaken in this crystal palace of a caravan. Yes, with that fleet that is my garage outside.



Angelo: Woof! Woof!
I would awaken to the adorable and cheery voice of this fine Wonderdog, Saint Of Kelderhope.



I'd then shed a solitary tear in rememberance of the glory days I had with this extraordinary girl who I'll forever love deep within my heart.



Then is the time to perform my daily ablutions so I make my way to the room where people do that.



One good long look in the mirror at the face I share a body with...



And then I usually hear an unusual squirming from the front room.



I find the wondrous Jessie in my front room, who I often embrace warmly and shower in loving kisses. Oh, and then there's this hoodlum as well who usually cries about how the cat leapt out the window as he tried to play with her. Moggie never liked him very much anyway.



The typical morning plays this way. The rest of the day can be comprised of various activities.



For some of us, it's never too early to drink. Here's the sexiest girl of The Wasteland and myself having a liquid breakfast. It's not water, no. It's a little something me and Maria got Karl to mix up a long time ago and... We're the only two in town who actually even like it as a result.



Or perhaps I like to watch the less-fortunate souls of the town work hard at something they never get right, and never truly feel accomplished for. Here's Paddy dropping a can of juice and turning the retrieval of it into a grand Captain Tam-Tam scale adventure, while I give motivational support.
Mark: Fucking hell Paddy, you're useless! Why are you even still alive!? You're worse than Kazi.



I can watch real world soap operas in someone else's own living room. Here's Jules and Jammy having another lover's tiff. Honestly, I can't remember what they argued about. James done something wrong and Julie wasn't happy about it, yet James had absolutely no idea what he had done that got her so worked up. This is usual for them. And typical instability demonstrated by Moonstone's only current couple at the moment. That I know of at least.



I could get some noms on the go. Provided I help out that is, which I do happily. No such thing as a free meal!



I suppose you could say I'm game for anything really. Kazi is a worthy adversary when it comes to gaming-she's good, real good, but surprisingly I can be much better at times. Perfect rivalry. Good excuse to tickle her at a crucial point to make her lose. She loves that, I'm sure. Suki though, she whoops our arses big time. And she also beats us at the games as well. Here though, Kazi managed to pull a right fluke that just bedazzled the almighty Sukes. But hey, everyone loses sometime. Can't you tell from this though that they love me? Aw. Yeah they do. So much. And I adore them both so much too... Except Kazi that is.



Speaking of games, there's nothing like playing with Jessie while we're both soaking wet. Euphemisms galore, we can all have our "innocent" little thoughts in the back of our mind, that's what makes life interesting.



Yes, I do beat Jessie in said fights. I'm her master, I know her every move, her every thought. Believe me, she's full of many random thoughts, so it's quite the art to be an expert on. And yes, Angelo was very displeased at Nicky when he teased her, after all the times she trusted him to actually throw the damn branch, then suddenly one time he decides not to. That dog does not like change, simple.



And this is Denland. Northmortarland. Neath. This place is great hell to me, and the only way I'll ever smile in this place is if someone ties me up, shoves a coat hangar in my mouth and twists it upwards until my cheekbones are piercing and tearing through my facial flesh. Nice image, right? That's what this place is. It is the torn facial flesh of Denland. Aside from Lystow anyway. I know people like Lystow and everything, but come on people, just look at Saxon. Sabbie can tell you all about that place as that's where she was bred. Anyway, this was a particular day. This was the day I was to return to this decrepit place for the first time in a while.



Every other weekend I used to return to visit my gorgeous little best buddy Terri and keep her company. Even after we broke up, we would still constantly be together, so long as I was over there anyway. Terri didn't have the strength to stay away from home for longer than a couple weeks at a time, and this is why we couldn't really stay together back in the UMC at all. But anyway. I haven't been over for some time, I guess I've just been busy. Although Terri has started up doing some courses in university, making up for what she missed out on in our youth. Nevertheless, I was to return to this place once again, except I wasn't staying with my icle wicle Tessy Bear this time, oh no, I was to go and meet up with a few people I haven't seen in a very... VERY long time. In fact, the last time I saw some of them, my Cookie Crumble was still with me. Good times!



The day started quite the ordinary...



Angelo: Woof! Woof!
Mark: Yeah, yeah, Angie. No need to remind me.



Mark: Oh, Cookie... What I'd give to hold you just once more after all this time. The good old days when Moonstone was just about you and me, and a thing we called excessive public affection. Oh, and Nicky singing karaoke too.




The beard was starting to grow back... And this was good. It would piss off a few people I had every intention to piss off during my... "Holiday away."




Mark: JESSIE!
Jessie: MARKY! Hehe, your face tickles.
Mark: Oh, yeah. I haven't shaved, that's all.
Jessie: Oh. I quite like it! It's not too bad, it's just a little tickle.
Mark: Well I'm glad you like it hun. I just hope certain other people don't like it.
Nicky: (Sniffles)
Mark: And what's your problem?
Nicky: (Sniffles) Moggie! Come back!
Mark: (Sighs) She'll be fine, she's a big cat now.
Nicky: But she's only three years old!
Mark: And yet I trust her more to look after herself than you. Look, are you guys gonna' be fine to take care of Angie while I'm away?
Jessie: Yeah!
Mark: Are you sure?
Jessie: YEAH!
Mark: I'm only asking so I can be reassured by this guy here.
Nicky: ... Oh! Yeah! Totally!
Mark: Good. Be sure to send everyone my love and that I'll see them when I'm back.



I then departed from my home, my territory, and headed for the nearest building that controls them flying things in the sky.



An airport, I think is what they're called.



I suddenly realised 2 things...
Mark: ... Shit!



I forgot Baby Cousin Sabbie, who I promised I would take with me to see her grown up double, but I forgot to pick her up on the way.



I also forgot I never fly anywhere on any plane other than one of Neil's jets, because I'm that impatient and Alterra is that big, so I had to wait for Neil to arrive too... Since I also forgot to pick him up on the way. If I'm not gonna' screw around with a stewardess or a beautiful stranger in the restroom then what's the point of being stuck on a plane for endless hours?



Then I forgot a third, bigger detail...
Mark: ... How am I supposed to be getting Bobbie the Escapade over to Denland in time for me to use her?
Neil called a few favours. He knew a guy who knew a guy that owned one of them big carrier planes and, for a small fee, ensured safe cargo of my automobile. And thanks to Neil's unscheduled stopping for sightseeing and supply restocks, she was already waiting for me when I landed. In fact, we arrived at a similar time so I got to watch her get unloaded almost as soon as we touched down.



Neil then kindly buggered off back home, and left me, Sabbie and Bobbie to fend for ourselves.



In THIS place...

Home Sweet Home



Sabbie: Wow... It's green.
Mark: It sure is.
Sabbie: But I mean, I haven't even SEEN green for AGES!
Mark: What are you talking about? You see green all the time.
Sabbie: Not green grass though.
Mark: We have green grass in The Emerald.
Sabbie: That doesn't count! It's dry, and it's slightly yellow, and it isn't soft to roll around on.
Mark: What about Lake Kinneas?
Sabbie: It's always wet! And then I get twigs in my hair and everything when I roll in it. But watch this... !





Sabbie: See? GREEN!
Mark: You're so adorable, you know that? I could swear you and Jessie are the same person inside.
Sabbie: Eh... Not really. I like to think I'm smarter than her.
Mark: She's actually very smart you know. She just gets incredibly excited beyond logic.
Sabbie: Well yeah, but... Whatever. The grass is green, ok? That's the main argument at hand here.
Mark: Ok, ok. The grass is green. You're right.
Sabbie: And it's dry.
Mark: And it's dry.
Sabbie: And it's SO soft!
Mark: I'll take your word for it. I wouldn't have a problem rolling around on the grass with you if people didn't give us funny looks.
Sabbie: Nothing wrong with a little P.D.A.
Mark: Hey, I'm not saying it's very tempting, it's just I think it will almost definitely lead to something we'd get arrested for.
Sabbie: Ooh, I like it! Why can't we?
Mark: I don't think getting arrested for having sex on open grass by the airport is the best arrival I've ever done. And believe me, I've had some bad arrivals.
Sabbie: Really? Like what?
Mark: When we get time, remind me to tell you about my first time in Sarean without Kazi keeping me in check with common public decency.
Sabbie: Ok.



Sabbie: Wow, it sure is fancy here. I don't remember Neath like this.
Mark: Because this is quite a ways off from where we're going. Do you not remember me and Terri always talking about how it was better for us to be poor and in love?
Sabbie: Oh yeah!
Mark: That was because of this place. Only snobs and wankers live here. I call it Rich Twat Avenue.
Sabbie: Oh, right...
Mark: I remember a friend of mine once drove his car through that fence over there. The house at the end with the greenhouse.
Sabbie: Oh yeah I see it! Really? Can a car get through an iron fence that thick?
Mark: It was wooden at the time. They put the iron one in after he took it out.
Sabbie: He wasn't drunk, was he?
Mark: No, but he had it in his mind he could get his Dover Rival down this street at 90mph. 'Course, he clipped the curb, snapped his front left wheel and went straight on through the fence. One of the few drives the gang did when I wasn't there.
Sabbie: You were in a gang? Wow.
Mark: I never told you? I thought you'd be the first person I'd have told.
Sabbie: Nope. And now I'm sad.
Mark: And now I'm sorry.
Sabbie: And NOW you have to make it up to me.
Mark: And NOW... I'll... make it up to you later.
Sabbie: Just be sure to. You know me, I never forget.
I used to hang around with a group of guys, most of us were typical boy racers. There was me with some of the guys, and a very cute Terri with our cars in attendance most of the time. I owned a Minima GTH at the time, black and yellow, before I completely killed the car after years of severe abuse. Still, at least my car died from exhaustion, rather than being put through a house, a ditch or an arson attack like some of the other guys did. In fact, one of the guys is in prison nowadays, but that was for assault. Yeah there's a lot to my past, we were quite the group of people back then. One notch short of being a group of rowdy chavs.



Then came the fourth thing I forgot...
Mark: Oh, I forgot I left Evie over here.
Sabbie: Evie?
Mark: Evie the Evasion. Because I was coming to see Tigger so often, I left one of my cars over here permanently, so to stop bringing it back and forth. I figured the air pressure wouldn't do it much good when being brought overseas. So all that fuss for getting Bobbie over? Probably quite pointless really.




Mark: Tezza!
Sabbie: Tigs! Where are ya'?



Mark: Hmm. Not here.
Sabbie: I figured.
Mark: She's probably at uni, so she'll be back a bit later.
Sabbie: She does know we're here, right?
And the fifth thing...
Mark: ... Well, she will do soon enough. Not like I hid Bobbie well.
Sabbie: Wow Mark. Just wow.



Sabbie: (Sighs)
Mark: ... Hey, it'll be a nice surprise for her.
Sabbie: You might want to go hide your car around the van or something if you wanna' surprise her.
Mark: I'm not going to be here when she gets back anyway, so I'll see her later.
Sabbie: Huh? Why, where are you going?
Mark: Oh, I made a deal with a friend to get them to help me out with this weekend.
Sabbie: Oh, you aren't getting that bloke to come around are you?
Mark: Eh? What bloke?
Sabbie: That dude with the white hair and that marmalade moustache on his face.
Mark: Oh... Him. No not him. In fact, I forgot to tell him I was here too.
Sabbie: Peter WALSH, man! You're so useless with travelling.
Mark: Why thank you babe, that makes me feel so...
Sabbie: Useless?
Mark: Well yeah.
Sabbie: Sowwy...
Mark: Meh. Anyway I have quite a drive ahead to go pick my friend up before I go see "them" so... I'm gonna' jet.
Sabbie: Okey cokey.
Mark: Give Tigger my love, and I'll give her extra when I stop by next.
Sabbie: Will do.



One of the most important things about the people I was going to meet, that I hadn't forgotten, is that I was such a disappointment to their eyes. That I didn't amount to much. That somehow, because I wasn't exactly how they wanted me to be, I was just a failure. Well now, after many years of torment, the struggles of making it as a writer, the trickery of getting Moonstone off the ground, the harassment because they didn't like Chrissie whatsoever, and every little nit-picky detail that was inferior to their ideals, it was finally my time to show them just how wrong they are about me. By completely faking the last couple years of my life and not admit that actually they're dead-on right.

The Weekend Girlfriend



My first port of call, was to get my unaware partner in crime for this time of nightmares. And they lived quite far away. In fact it was nearly evening by the time I got back, and believe me, I wasn't driving slowly to get there neither. Why? Well I had to hop over to a little town in Azaria, not enormously far from the border. Just as well too, the journey as it was had murdered me enough.



I then saw a very familiar looking face.
Mark: STEVE!
Steve: Huh?



Trouble was, it wasn't exactly the same face I thought it was...
Mark: Holy hell, man, it's been TOO long since I seen ya'!
Steve: Uh...
Mark: Well I mean I know I saw you not long ago when I was working with you for you-know-what but it's felt like forever. Aw man it feels uber weird to see you here, knowin' you ain't with Moonstone officially anymore.
Steve: Look, uh... I don't know how you know my name, I'll admit I'm impressed a bit, but... Am I meant to know what you're on about?
Mark: ... Steve?
Steve: Yes?



Woman: Mark?
Mark: Oh hey! Erm, listen, what's up with Steve? Is he playing some funny game pretending he doesn't know me? 'Cause, like, if he is, well then it just ain't that funny.
Woman: I'll see you later Steve.
Steve: You got it.
Woman: Mark, come inside.



Mark: Tina, what the hell?
Tina: What?
Mark: Why did he just fucking blank me?
Tina: Who?
Mark: Steve!
Tina: Well... How did he know who you were?
Mark: ... I preferred when you had no personality rather than playing these twisted mind games.
Tina: No, seriously, how would Steve know who you are?
Mark: Duh, 'cause we worked together for like 2 years? 'Cause he was our #1 man behind Moonstone... Besides myself, of course. And Paddy. And Neil, since he's our main investor.
Tina: ... You know that wasn't Stephen, right?
Mark: What?
Tina: Steve. He isn't Stephen.
Mark: Well what's "Steve" short for?
Tina: No, I mean he isn't Stephen Garland. My Stephen.
Mark: OUR Stephen.
Tina: Yeah, not him.
Mark: It wasn't?
Tina: No.
Mark: Who the fuck was he then?
Tina: Steve. Our gardener. Or, my gardener, really.
Mark: Oh... He looked uncannily like wor Stevie though.
Tina: I have to disagree.
Mark: I have to disagree to disagree.
Tina: ... Ok. Not going to question.
Mark: Good. That's what I like about you-how you just let things go so easy.
Tina: I don't let things go so easy.
Mark: Yeah you do.
Tina: Do you not remember last New Year's Eve at Shrovesvuryville?
Mark: You mean Shrovesburyville.
Tina: Yeah, that.
Mark: Oh yeah...



Last new year's. I recall serenading Maria on stage during my turn at the Moonstone karaoke session, and how much Jamie was ashamed to be a human being after I persuaded him and Paddy to help me do the backing vocals for the song. Harry, who's usually our cameraman, decided he wanted to mingle so somehow managed to dump the camera on Quincy who had to film everything. It wasn't like he was enjoying himself anyway.
Mark: My Maria…
You know for you I’d, walk a thousand miles…
Mark and Paddy: Just to think about you is enough to make me smile.
Mark: Sexy lady…
Do you know what kind of spell you have on me?
Mark and Paddy: I’m just-a longin’ to hold you girl. C’mon, you got me on my knees…
Mark: I’d like to tell her how much she means to me,
Mark, Paddy and Jamie: If I may?
Mark: C’mon darling, the two of us, we could,
Mark, Paddy and Jamie: Just drive away.
Mark: /Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia…
Paddy and Jamie: /Oh Maria, I love you girl. I love my Mariiiiia…
Mark: /Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia…
Paddy and Jamie: /Oh Maria, I love you girl. Maria-
Mark: -I love yoooouuuuu…
Mark: /Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia…
Paddy and Jamie: /Oh Maria, I love you girl. I love my Mariiiiia…
Mark: /Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia…
Paddy and Jamie: /Oh Maria, I love you girl. Maria-
Mark: I love yoooouuuuu!



(Everyone claps)
Mark: (Slightly out of breath) Thank you everyone… (Breathes heavily) Heck, that song takes it outta’ you.
Steve: I was actually amazed you managed to hold on saying Maria for so long.
Mark: I know, that’s exactly what’s murdered me.
Jamie: It was karma for you murdering the song.
Mark: Ah shaddap you.
Paddy: -Face.



Mark: You like?
Maria: Aw Mark, that was just the sweetest thing.
Mark: But did I embarrass you?
Maria: Huh? No way!
Mark: I see… So who squirted ketchup on your face then?
Maria: Shit, am I that red?
Mark: Haha, naw, I’m just teasin’.



Maria: You cheeky sod!
Mark: Haha, woah, easy tiger. I did notice you blush just a tad from the crowd though. Which is exactly what I wanted to do. I remember how much you felt on the spot when I just sang that to you alone at home for a joke. I figured, ingenious and cruel at the same time, why don’t I sing it in front of everyone?
Maria: At the expense of your throat?
Mark: Everything has its price.
Maria: And what’s yours?
Mark: My price? Ooh now that depends on who’s asking.
Maria: Me.
Mark: And also depends on your intentions.
Maria: I shouldn't really say out loud in front of these guys.
Mark: Well that, my fair lady, is on the house.
Maria: (Giggles) Oh really now? Well... Perhaps we could break off from this place just a sec to talk?
Mark: Y'know what, right now, there's nothing I'd want more.



Tina: Erm… Are you two drunk?
Mark: WHAT!? How can you ask us that!?
Tina: …
Mark: … Of COURSE we’re drunk! EVERYONE is! Even Quincy, look!
Quincy: Ah, you… Now… That’s not true! You facking great bagria… I don’t know what the hell I just said.
Mark: Me neither, truth be told. But it's ok, 'cause we're all drunk anyway!
Tina: I’m not. I must be the only one here who isn’t drunk.
This was true. During the karaoke, everyone seemed to drink faster and faster… Yes, including myself. And Nicky. And Jessie. And Lizzie. Not one person besides Tina was sober. No one. Trust me. Think you know someone who mustn’t drink a lot? Maybe so, but they were still just as hammered as the rest of us, even if they hadn’t drank as much.



Paddy: Well you know why THAT is, Tina? ‘Cause YOU… IS… A WHORE!
Tina: Paddy!
Paddy: Oh, I uh… I meant a BORE!
Tina: Oh, right… Wait, how am I a bore?
Paddy: Do I need to spell it out? BORE. B-O-A-R… Wait, that’s a different spelling, I think…



Steve: Hey, what’s going on?
Tina: Apparently, I’m something of a bore.
Steve: A door? Why? You been standing in the way?
Tina: A BORE!
Steve: A bore?… Well that’s not very nice.
Tina: No, it isn’t, is it?
Steve: I mean, that’s like a pig, right?
Paddy: Oh yeah, that’s the spelling I was thinking of!… But nah, I meant she’s like dull and stuff.
Steve: Oh right! That makes sense now... Wait, hold on, she's dull?
Paddy: C’mon man, be honest with us here. For once.
Steve: And what’s that mean?
Mark: Paddington, don’t.
Paddy: Don’t!… Fucking… Paddington ME, Markus!
Mark: Markus isn’t even my fucking name!
Tina: This is why I don’t drink so much by the way, guys. Look at the state of you all.
(Long silence)
Mark: Insulting the whole room there? Yeah, nice work Tanya, that’ll make you friends.
Tina: It’s TINA!
Mark: Ah so are you!
Tina: … What?
Mark: … You heard me!



Jamie: Um… If we’re all wasted, and intend to keep drinkin’… Can anyone feel anything right now? Like, as in their legs or whatever?
Several people: No.
James: Wait, I still HAVE legs? Woah, they feel like... Well, like they're not there at all. Not at ALL!
Jamie: Can someone, anyone, come to me please?



Arnie: I guess I will.
Jamie: Perfect. I need to make someone bleed for my Moonstone annual challenge.
Arnie: Ah ok I guess I won't then.
Jamie: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Just… Brace yourself.
Arnie: You're no doctor.
Jamie: No, but you are.
Arnie: I am?
Jamie: … Sure! You could be... If you really wanted to... Do you?
Arnie: Um, I guess I could be... Sure, why not.
Jamie: Perfect then! You're a doctor, you know best, you know this won't hurt.
Arnie: I do?
Jamie: Yeah!
Arnie: Alright then! Let's do it!
Jamie: Now uh… You can choose-what do you want done? I could prick you with this knife. Or um…
Arnie: Yeah, why not? Just don’t like fully stab me or anything…
Jamie: Ok…



Gwen: Any final words?
Arnie: Uh… I’m not sure.
Gwen: Put it this way-if you were to like… die or something, right now, what do you wanna’ get off your chest more than anything?
Arnie: I thought I said I was gonna' be fine!?
Gwen: Oh, I'm sure you will be... Just humour me, for curiosity's sake.
Arnie: Alright then. Well, for one… Helen, you’re an amazing cook. And an amazing best friend.
Helen: Oh! Uh… Thanks Arnie. That’s sweet.
Gwen: Excellent. Anything else?
Arnie: Hmm... Neil, you aren't all that bad.
Neil: Same to you, chum.
Arnie: Um... Oh! Jenny! You're the hottest girl in this room.
Jenny: I am?
Arnie: Totally!
Jenny: … Alright then.
Arnie: And lastly-
Gwen: For fuckssake Arnold just get this over with already. I mean Peter Walsh, I'M gonna' be dead before you at this rate.
Arnie: But we all agreed I wasn't going to die!
Gwen: JUST FUCKING DO IT!
Arnie: Ok, ok, I'm done! Jamie, hit me!



Arnie: GAH!



Gwen: (Laughs) Oh man, that was priceless! Man points were lost today, Arnie.
Jamie: Geez, fuckin’ relax. It wasn’t like I did it much. Helen, check under his top for blood.
Helen: Me? Why ME!?
Jamie: I ain’t gettin’ that shit on my hands. Just pretend it’s jam. You like jam.
Helen: Why don't YOU pretend it's jam!?
Jamie: Because I HATE jam.
Helen: Oh... Fine.
Jamie: Besides, he's sweet on you.
Helen: Was that a jam joke?
Jamie: … Maybe.



Helen: … Yeah, he’s ok. Only a little cut. Maybe he over-reacted and fell from the shock.
Arnie: No! Maybe it was because it actually really bloody hurt! And I'm a BRAVE motherfucker for going through with it. You hear me!? BRAVE!
Gwen: (Scoffs) Oh yeah, sure! You think that if you want to, honey.
Jenny: It was a bit funny, I'll admit... (Giggles)
Jamie: So he's actually bleeding?
Helen: Yup. Only lightly.
Jamie: Well hey, that still counts. Well done Arnie, you're such a sport. Helen can kiss you all better now.
Helen: I hate you, Jamie. I really hate you.
Jamie: You're not so perfect yourself, love.



(Long silence)
Steve: Come on Paddy, tell me what that’s all about.
Paddy: Well, I think Jamie was challenged to make someone bleed, so Arnie volunteered. And he was a total wuss about it.
Arnie: HEY!
Steve: Not THAT. I mean what you said about me not being honest to you.
Paddy: Oh, THAT! Ok, you wanna’ know… You wanna’ know? What that’s all about?
Steve: That’s what I asked.
Paddy: That's what you asked?
Steve: … Yes Paddy. It's what I asked. So tell me.
Paddy: Well, sir, it is about YOU. And how YOU… are LEAVING. I mean what? You couldn’t even bother with telling us BEFORE New Year's? You told US, your FRIENDS and FAMILY, after you already officially signed to leave?
Mark: It’s New Year’s now, Paddy.
Paddy: No it fucking isn’t! It’s the 3rd of January! You and Steve weren't even HERE on New Year's!
Mark: In SPIRIT it’s New Year’s, alright!? That was the whole point of us being here!
Paddy: Not so you could get up Maria's dress?
Mark: That is neither here nor there, Paddy!
Maria: …
Mark: We can talk about this in a moment, Maria.
Maria: Oh don't worry... I can be patient hun.
Steve: Is that what this is? You’re offended I didn’t tell you, so you’re gonna’ start fights with Mark and Maria too? And insult Tanya over it?
Tina: TINA!
Steve: Yeah, her.
Paddy: Yes I am. See, you will find that a lot of us here see your leaving as a chance to get away from us, so you can be with this woman more. Is she really more important to you than all of us? Who you’ve been with for 20 years?
Steve: 2 years, actually.
Paddy: I was close enough! I only put an extra zero at the end!
Steve: You think I’m that shallow that I'd quietly sneak away from you guys?
Paddy and several voices around the room: Yeah!
(Silence)
Steve: Ok! Let’s settle this! Everyone go on the left side of the room if you have problems with me leaving, and to the right if you’re actually happy for me like a decent person should be!
Kennedy: Did someone say something?
Several people: Go to the wall!



Paddy: No Tanya, you don't count. Get the hell away from that wall!
Tina: Grr...
Quincy: I'm stuck in the middle of the room because I have the camera so I need to film this, but I honestly couldn’t give a toss about this, Stephen. Do whatever the hell you want.
Steve: Thanks. I think. So, this room is basically now divided to show me who my real friends are.



Steve: All these guys over here, ‘cause they’re actually happy for me.



Steve: So Paddy, Mark, Mark's sidearm-Maria-and the rest of the clan behind you… What are you then? ‘Cause you mustn’t be friends.
Mark: Huh!… Of course I’m a fucking friend! Ok, yes, I have a SLIGHT issue about this whole thing, but don’t think for one second that I ain’t happy for ya’! You're doin' what you want and what you want is good for you, since that's what you're doin'. I just feel a touch miffed at how you're gonna' be all like... Not here anymore. And that sucks, 'cause like, I'm used to you being here, and I don't like change...
Steve: … Ok, if you're like Mark, and you’re still happy for me though you have an issue about how it's been handled, return to the centre of the room.



Paddy: Oh screw you all! Leaving me all alone here and get me singled out why don't ya'? This is what Peter Walsh must've felt like when his ship sank!
Mark: It wasn't his ship.
Paddy: Maybe it WOULD have been, if his crew didn't abandon him to stand in the middle of the room on Stephen Garland's orders!
Mark: You're just mixing analogies up now.
Paddy: Don't get all scientific on me with chemistry and shit! Look at you, all smitten holding Maria's hand as you all just WALK AWAY. That's right, WALKING AWAY! LITERALLY! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!
Gwen: Paddy will you please shut the FUCK up before I drop kick you?



Mark: See… It’s not so much that we don’t want you to go, it’s your call. I just felt hurt that you made the decision so easily. As if you’d been thinking of leaving before we even talked of it. Or that we’ve meant nothing to you during this time.
(Several nods of agreement)
Mark: I mean, 2 years is quite a commitment to us. Then suddenly, it's all “Hey, I'm a Crimmer now!”
Steve: A what?
Mark: Forget that, that word isn't the main focus here. Basically, it feels like it was nothing more than business to you here, when I tried to create a family among us all.
Steve: That isn’t the case at all. Yes, I can be with Tina more often. Yes, I’ll be gone from here for just-about-good. But I AM gonna’ miss you guys. Every single one of you. It just feels like this is the kind of move I need to make in my career. Go international a bit more, rather than just the cult followings across Alterra. I won't forget you guys, I'll miss you all, you're the best bunch I've ever had the chance to spend time with in my life.
Mark: … You what, mate?



Mark: You fucking prick! I’m gonna’ miss you too! Why did you have to say that just now!? I haven’t cried in 2 years, damn it! You great big... fucking... cool... awesome guy who's saying all these sentimental gobshite things! THAT'S MY JOB! It's MY job to make YOU sob, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! (Cries loudly)
Steve: I’m sorry. How selfish of me.
Mark: Damn straight! When you're among Moonstone, you have to remember to KNOW YOUR ROLE!



Steve: Paddy… Surely you understand?
Paddy: Naw. I can’t understand. I’m sorry, I just can’t.
Steve: It's like that then?
Paddy: Yup. No words, no excuses. I'm pissed... And I'm pissed off... At you, by the way.
Steve: I think I've gotten that much.
Paddy: Well that's where I'm leaving it. If you're off, then I won't waste my time trying to explain myself. It won't change anything.



Steve: … Then perhaps me and Tina should just go now.
Mark: No! Don’t go, you’ll miss midnight.
Steve: And celebrate January the 4th?
Mark: HEY! In SPIRIT, it’s New Year’s. Which means in SPIRIT, you’re still a Wastelander. Which means in SPIRIT, you’re still one of us! And you’re damn well gonna’ celebrate the whole night with us as the family we are even if it kills me in several painful and gruesome ways! With SPIRIT!
Steve: … I was a Rocky, not a Wastelander. You forget I lived in Hendersfield.
Mark: Aw shit, that's true… But that’s not the point! The point is…





Mark: We’re a family.



Mark: We all love each other…



Mark: In some cases, a few of us love others a LITTLE bit more than the rest...



Mark: Even those we say we hate, we adore deep down...



Mark: And some that we wish we could hate, but they're too awesome to not go into fandom over.



Mark: At the end of the day, spending our lives together, we should all be happy…



Mark: … And we’re all drunk!
Arnie: AMEN!
Everyone: AMEN!
Mark: Well, except for Tanya.
Tina: MY NAME IS TINA!
Mark: Yeah, what-the-fuck-ever.



Mark: … Now I think about it, you were rather persistent about your name not being Tanya.
Tina: Exactly. Because it isn't?
Mark: It isn't? Are you sure?
Tina: …
Mark: (Laughs) I'm only messing with you Tina! But seriously, how are you? How's Steve?
Tina: I'm alright. And do you mean Stephen, or my gardener?
Mark: … Well, it'll only be polite to ask about both.
Tina: Fair enough. They're both alright.
Mark: Alright.
(Silence)
Mark: Where is the bastard then?
Tina: Which... ?
Mark: Steve.
Tina: Steve or Stephen?
Mark: Steve... Stephen... Wor Stevie.
Tina: Oh right. Well, to tell the truth, I don't know where he is.
Mark: Well find out!
Tina: I haven't heard from him in a few days.
Mark: Say what now? Don't you guys like live together or-
Tina: -No.
Mark: … Then what was the point of him ever leaving Moonstone!?
Tina: Do we really have to go down that road again?
Mark: Hahaha no... But seriously, you don't live together?
Tina: No.
Mark: You haven't seen him in...
Tina: Well, haven't HEARD from him in... three days? Haven't seen him in... Maybe four, maybe five?
Mark: Wooooooow... What did you do wrong?
Tina: I'm sorry?
Mark: What did he do wrong?
Tina: Nothing. He just-
Mark: -Well what happened!?
Tina: I don't-! … I don't know. We don't seem to get to do a great amount together anymore. He's busy working a lot and I... Well, I have a bit of work, but not a great amount.
Mark: So you sit around and twiddle your thumbs, wasting your life away while waiting for him?
Tina: Oh no, not at all. I finally got a hold of the final 37th volume of the Chromos series. Best series I've ever finished reading all the way through, it was THE example of perfect writing.
Mark: I can't remember writing that...
Tina: … It's not one of your books.
Mark: It isn't? And why not!?
Tina: … Would you like me to read something of yours sometime?
Mark: Would you? Oh, you'd be just the bestest if you would!
Tina: Ok... So, um, you said you wanted me to help you with something?
Mark: Huh?
I completely forgotten, after this length of conversation, where the hell I even was and why I was there.
Mark: Oh right! Yes, indeed I do. You are the perfect girl for the job!... Err, woman. Lady. What do you prefer?
Tina: Erm... Any are fine.
Mark: Ok, cool. How about wench?
Tina: Not that.
Mark: Suit yourself. Come with me?
Tina: Go with you? Go with you where?
Mark: Home. Or, one of my homes. A home that used to be my home but isn't anymore.
Tina: It's too early to be drinking.
Mark: We're not going drinking.
Tina: I'm suggesting you have been drinking, from the tripping over your own words.
Mark: Oh, hey, it was about 12 hours ago. Me and Maria, decided to hit The Wildboar at about 8 in the morning back home before I took to the skies.
Tina: Great...
Mark: I need your help back in Denland.
Tina: Denland?... Will it take long? I was planning to try calling Stephen and see if he fancied coming over tonight.
Mark: Which Ste-
Tina: -My Stephen. Garland.
Mark: Oh uh... No? It won't take too long...
(Silence)
Mark: Seriously, come on. You need to get out a bit, have some fun, don't always rely on one individual to show you a good time. Let's face it, time can slip us by, you're not going to get any younger.
Tina: Well I-... Wait, what did you say?
Mark: Oh no, I didn't mean you're old! You're not old at all! You're still young. You still look young too, beautiful in fact, you look great, how do you manage to make yourself look so good?
Tina: …
Mark: … Ok, I can't dig myself out of this hole anymore. But honestly, I didn't mean to insult you... Can we go now?
Tina: I suppose.



One very quiet and awkward drive later... And I forgot a sixth thing...
Mark: Uh, Tina... Did you bring anything with you?
Tina: Like what?
Mark: Um, like... Your phone?
Tina: Of course.
Mark: Maybe your keys?
Tina: Obviously.
Mark: I see. And what about, oh I don't know... spare clothes, toothbrush, pyjamas... Um, clean underwear?
Tina: No... Why, why would I?
Mark: … Well it's ok, we can think of something.
Tina: Mark, why would I need-... I'm not going to be home tonight, am I?
Mark: Not really no.
Tina: Well... Ok. It isn't like I haven't had to go 2 days with the same clothes before.
Mark: Oh, really? Wow, I never thought you'd have it in you.
Tina: Have what in me?
Mark: … I'll refrain from commenting on the euphemism, and say I didn't think you would stay the night at some man's house.
Tina: W-... No, that wasn't what I meant! I've never done that. Not without a proper overnight bag packed anyway. But even then, I don't really even do that. I meant when I used to go to festivals and concerts.
Mark: Say WHAT!?
Tina: What's wrong with that? Don't you do that too?
Mark: Well of course I do. I also sometimes share a strange woman's tent. But I mean, concerts, festivals... They're FUN.
Tina: And I can't be fun?
Mark: Well, I didn't think you could be, in all honesty, no. But you're free to prove me wrong.
Tina: What exactly are we supposed to be doing tonight?
Mark: Well tonight... And tomorrow... And the day after...
Tina: Wait, what?
Mark: Oh yeah, you're with me all weekend now.
Tina: All weekend?
Mark: I know. Crazy, right?
Tina: … Well I wish you would have warned me! I can't last this long with a single change of clothes!
Mark: T, trust me, you're in safe hands with me. Relax!
Tina: T?
Mark: I can call you T, right?
Tina: I guess. Stephen calls me T when he's trying to get my attention.
Mark: ... Which St-
Tina: -I swear to Tilly, stop that.
Mark: Excellent. Now, change of plans then-let's go get you some clothes and gear. Don't worry, it's my treat.



Who would've known clothes shopping for girls... women... ladies... would be so much fun?
Tina: This is quite nice...
Mark: … Yeah... Cute.
Tina: Thanks.
Mark: But I thought this would be much more attractive. It brings out your best features.
Tina: Which are?
Mark: Um... Given this is a skirt, I would say your legs?
Tina: Um... I guess that's a compliment?
Mark: Well if it makes you feel better, I can lie and say this tank top's colour brings out your eyes? Or perhaps this lacy top nicely accents your cleavage?
Tina: The eyes. Definitely the eyes.
Mark: Ok. But I don't think you've quite considered this skirt properly yet either.
Tina: Well it's you who's paying for them apparently, so buy what you want.
Mark: Yay! Oh wow, you're like my own dress-up doll.
Tina: That's... A thing I never thought I'd hear today.
Mark: I know, right? Me too. I didn't think I'd be buying women's underwear either.
Tina: I think that's something you're not supposed to say too loud.
Mark: Hey, when did you grow a sense of humour?
Tina: When you grew the size of the hole you're in.
Mark: That sounded like a euphemism to me.
Tina: Just give me the skirt, I'll check if it fits.
Mark: Oh it fits, don't worry.
Tina: And how do you know that?
Mark: You don't think I can judge a woman's size?
Tina: Not really. Have you been checking the labels of my clothes?
Mark: That's a brilliant idea, why didn't I think of that sooner? But no I didn't. Just looking at you I could easily tell that you're... Well, you're the same size as Chrissie was so... I mean I was very used to Chrissie's size, I was always able to buy her clothes without checking the size on the label.
Tina: That is... Actually, quite a talent.
Mark: Terri's a size smaller, but that's because Terri's a bit shorter and a more slender build. Though Chrissie's still a slender woman... Like you.
Tina: Ok. I think I get it. You're trying to be sweet and complimentary to me to make up for earlier.
Mark: Good. Then trust me and don't bother trying it on just yet. We've covered regular clothes, and we covered underwear... That leaves your jammies. Now what do you wear in bed usually?... If that wasn't a pervy question.
Tina: It was a bit, but that's ok. I'll find something myself, it's fine.
Mark: Well no, that's not how this works. I kinda' have to know what you're going to be wearing if we're in the same bed.
Tina: Well-... Sorry, what?
Mark: -Room. Same bedroom.
Tina: Why... What are we doing together in the bedroom?
Mark: Well I assume we'll sleep, that's what these sort of rooms tend to be used for by most people. At least that's what they tell me.
Tina: No I mean... Why are we in the same room?
Mark: Well see, the thing is... Um, there's a shortage on rooms. So we have to share.
Tina: Oh... Alright then, well maybe I'll just go for the plain jammies.
Mark: You're kidding, right?
Tina: What?
Mark: If they see you in plain jammies, they'll know something's up, and that I'm bullshitting them. Go with a nighty or one of them shirts that you girls sometimes wear... women... ladies.
Tina: What are you talking about? Who's “they”?
Mark: … Ok, I have a better idea-screw the pyjamas, I'll just lend you one of my shirts. It's something of mine, it's normally a sexy turn-on to other guys, your legs will be bare and I can easily perv on you that way-it's something they'd totes expect you to wear if you're meant to be with me.
Tina: But-
Mark: To the checkout!
Tina: But you're not making any sense!
Mark: I said to the checkout!
Tina: Mark! Will you listen to me!?
Mark: Checkout!
Tina: Stop it!
Mark: CHECKOUT!
Tina: … Checkout...
Mark: Checkout.



Checkout. The clerk must've thought she was a homeless tramp who I adopted as my new wife and had bought a whole new wardrobe for. Of course, I didn't tell her this, but it was obvious that it was what it looked like. Eek, I always wanted my own personal doll to dress up. If that didn't sound totally girly, which it did. And incredibly pervy, which it also totally did. I don't care about the pervy comment, it was so much fun either way.
Mark: We good?
Tina: I guess so.
Mark: You sound upset.
Tina: No, I'm fine. It's just these clothes aren't usually what I'd wear...
Mark: It's more believable to them if you dress younger. And also Chrissie used to, or still has, a skirt and top just like these ones, so they can think it's a sort of “style” I go for.
Tina: I am so confused right now.
Mark: Good. Then let us go, Tin-Tin!




Mark: … I was talking to you by the way. Tin-Tin.
Tina: Really? You're calling me “Tin-Tin”?
Mark: Yep. Get used to it. I like it even more than T, it makes you sound cool and hip.
Tina: … This is escalating too quickly for me.



And we arrived at the main event, finally. Ready to wow and impress everyone with my amazing fake life.



Mark: WHAT? OH DAMN IT!
Tina: What? What's wrong?
Mark: THAT!
Tina: … What?
Mark: That thing!
Tina: The car?
Mark: Yes!
Tina: What's wrong with it? It looks like this one.
Mark: It is. And that's what pisses me off.
Tina: Why?
Mark: Because I wanted to impress him with Bobbie the Escapade, and that little bitch went and got another, leaner, meaner Escapade that he clearly takes rock climbing and competition trialing.
Tina: Who?
Mark: My dad...
Tina: Your dad's here?
Mark: Oh yes. And my mam. And my grandma. And my other grandma. My uncles, my aunties... And now us.
Tina: You've brought me to see your family?
Mark: You could say that. Well I was kind of invited here this weekend. And well... I told them I was bringing a guest. You.
Tina: Why me?
Mark: Oh, you know, you're mature and sensible, very responsible, I'm sure you'll get on well with them.
Tina: You're saying I'm boring.
Mark: I could've brought Jessie, but my parents have seen her before. They thought she was mentally retarded. If I truly wanted to piss them off I could've brought Maria. She smokes, she drinks a lot, and swears like a trooper. Or a sailor, depending on how you imagine it. Ooh just imagine Maria in a sexy sailor outfit...
Tina: Are you done?
Mark: No, not yet, let me imagine it a little longer.
Tina: …
Mark: Ok, sorry, so where were we?
Tina: You were explaining why I'm invited here rather than Jessica or Maria.
Mark: Oh right! Yeah, and that's how we got on to the sailor outfit.
Tina: Yes, let's not get lost in that thought again.
Mark: You're right, that can wait until later. The family's probably been staring at us from the window waiting.
Tina: Really?
Mark: Yeah, they're like vultures. Soon as they hear a car and they're expecting either a guest or a takeaway delivery, they go charging for the window to see who it is. Come on, toots.
Tina: “Toots”?




(Bell rings)
Mark: Tin-Tin?
Tina: Yeah?
Mark: Whatever happens in there, or whatever's said, just go along with it.
Tina: You've got me mildly concerned.
Mark: Oh don't worry, they're not going to hurt you or torture you menacingly.
Tina: Not helping.
Mark: They're just a particular bunch to get along with. But I'm sure you'll be a shining star to them, compared to me. For once, I have absolute faith in you Tin-Tin. I know you'll make me proud. I might even consider you a friend when all of this is over.
Tina: Oh. The glittering prize.
Mark: Damn straight.



Valerie: Hello!
Mark: Hi Grandma!
Valerie: Wow, you're so tall!
Mark: Tall? Hardly, I feel like I've shrunk since you last seen me.
Valerie: And you've been growing your beard back again. It looks very lovely.
Mark: Yeah, I do from time to time. Think the parents will like it?
Valerie: Um, I don't know.
Mark: They won't, and that's good. They always hated it, you always really liked it. I like when things stay the same!
Valerie: Hello.
Tina: Hi there.
Mark: Oh uh, Grandma, this is Tina. Tina, this is my grandma Valerie.
Valerie: Nice to finally meet you. You look really nice, petal.
Tina: Oh! Thank you. How nice of you to say.
Valerie: Well come in, come in!
Mark: Remember what I said, Tin-Tin.



Ok, my grandma is a lovely soul who I love very much. Likewise to my uncles and aunties, my other grandma and great gran, but my parents are the real wolves in the pack.



It was like walking into the conference room of the afterlife, after being told you're the worst soul to have lived and are going to experience the seven rings and gateways of hell and the extra hell beyond hell that no one has ever witnessed before. So many faces of people I barely see anymore, it was quite frightening. I almost felt compelled to hide behind Tina for protection. “Tina” and “Protection” never go together in any form of sentence. None. Unless it's “Protection against boredom from Tina.”



Of course there was my grandma Valerie, whose house this was, and likewise who organised this little reunion of the family. She's my mother's mother.



My other grandma Jackie, my father's mother.



On my dad's side, my uncle Deck and auntie Amanda.



In my mam's corner, my uncle Steven and auntie Lynn.



My grandma Valerie's younger brother, who I class as my uncle Colin. Although he's technically some long-winded relation, we class him as an uncle for simplicity.



Mother Hen herself.



Likewise, Papa Bear.



And amazed that she was still alive as she's now 97 years old, and not to mention completely capable of living on her own, even if she is deaf as anything, is my great grandma Betty.



And then there was me and Tina. I will say Tina has a very lovely smile when she's meeting people for the first time. She didn't realise yet what kind of a place she entered. As you can tell, I wasn't going in oblivious.



Tony: Ah hello!
Mark: Hey dad.
Tony: You alright?
Mark: So far, so good. Nice car you have.
Tony: Thought you'd like it.
Mark: A little too much. You make mine look disappointing.
Tony: What do you drive like?
Mark: … Same thing.
Tony: (Laughs) Ah right. I'm guessing it doesn't have all the off-road stuff mine has then.
Mark: No, no it does not. You would be quite right there.
Fiona: I keep telling him to get rid of it. He doesn't even use it much anymore, he only brought it to show you.
Mark: I figured that.
Tony: You've got a few cars though haven't you?
Mark: Uh, yes, well... I think I have nine?
Fiona: Nine!?
Valerie: Wow!
Tony: You don't even remember how many?
Mark: Not really. Some don't work though. Or at least, I doubt they do.



Fiona: How do you put up with all them cars then?
Tina: … Sorry? Were you talking to me?
Fiona: Yeah, I was asking how you put up with all the cars.
Tina: Oh, well I don't have a car myself so it doesn't bother me. Stephen has a car but it's not usually at home.
Fiona: Stephen?
Mark: That's her brother.
Tina: What?
Mark: Her brother Stephen. He sometimes visits.
Fiona: I suppose you do live in the desert, don't you?
Mark: Yes we do.
Fiona: Plus she has to live with that beard of yours, which I noticed you have.
Mark: Oh yeah... Well usually it's much more grown than this but I had a shave recently. I often leave it, oh, two or three months.
Fiona: Ew. She must see something much more extraordinary in you to stay then, is that right?



Tina: (Whispers) Mark?
Mark: It's ok.
Tina: … You're holding my hand.
Mark: I know.