Desert Diary 5: A Moonstone Spectacular (Part 4)

Friends Through Eternity. Loyalty. Honesty.



Last year I promised Helen, head of the Moonstone Social Gathering Committee, that I'd help sort out Moonstone's best New Year's Eve party ever. That meant not going to Luke's house. Of course, I WAS going to Luke's house. So Helen persisted to bring all of Moonstone to Denland. Such joys, right? I suppose some of them were coming with me to Luke's as it was, so it didn't especially bother them. Helen's act of revenge though was to do a fancy dress party. I hate fancy dress. At least for myself. The girls can dress up all they like, boys will be boys. And perverts, but that's the same thing really.



Radio: And finally, “Just The Way The Cookie Crumbles?” That's the response given by The Cookie Collection's lead singer, Holly Hart, as she and the band announced their departure from their manager of two years-Wallace Hutchinson. There's no information yet as to why the seemingly out-of-the-blue contract termination has happened, although Holly Hart has assured us that the band will go on with a currently undisclosed new manager, but be signing on to Marvegan record company, Minstrel Records, popularly known to be the signing company for Holly Hart's previous group-Hart & Chalmers, and her former colleague Elizabeth Chalmers' own current contract with The Elizabeth Chalmers Orchestra. Experts are already predicting shares in Wallace Hutchinson's property will plummet to about 15% of their value before the end of the year with this incredible loss. Hutchinson refuses to comment at this time. This is Wiley-Miley's news update for you guys, on MRLD Radio, 101.6FM.



Radio: But before I sign off the news, I'd like to say Mark, you sly fucking dog you, nice job! Drinks on me when you get back to Emerald City.
Helen: You two really ARE friends nowadays.
Mark: Some people out there deserve second chances, Helen. Turns out they aren't as much of a dick as they first seemed to be. Good old Milo.
Terri: Your radio station's weird. Swearing? Bias?
Mark: Honesty, Terri. That's the word you're struggling to find there. Honesty. That's what that is. Every show on MRLD is full of it. Something you only seem to get on Southern Marvegan radio.



Sally: Very true!
Mark: KAZ!
Sally: You've never sounded so happy to see me.
Mark: Because I haven't. For once, you are quite a pleasant sight to my eyes, and I don't even feel the urge to hit you. I appreciate all you've done for me with the whole concert ordeal. Couldn't have done it without you.
Arnie: See Sal, all this nicety, it's because of the new way you do your hair.
Sally: It is? I didn't think Mark thought much of it. As per.
Arnie: … ?
Helen: Mark?
Mark: … Alright. I admit, I like it a lot Kaz. In fact, I love it. You look wonderful. Beautiful, in fact. You're that hot you are now in the not-so-exclusive club of girls who I am physically able to have lewd thoughts about. Between you and Suki, you are now officially the gorgeous one of the two.
Sally: Oh w-... Uh... Thanks? For all of those things you just said?



Suki: It's ok, I'll agree to it. Only one of us can pull off the short hair in our flat anyway Sal.
Arnie: There's too many girls around here, and not enough guys.
Mark: He's right, it's just me and him and now there's twice the number of you lot.
Terri: More of us to enjoy then.
Mark: Woah! Terri! That was very suggestive for you of all people to say.
Terri: (Giggles) Hey, I can be full of surprises.
Mark: Indeed you can. Well in that case, I pick you and Kazi.
Arnie: Not fair!... Except I'll have picked Helen anyway.
Mark: Bleh! Because you're both best friends. How soppy.
Helen: And you picking Terri wasn't?
Mark: I'm SUPPOSED to be soppy though... But that's why I picked Kazi, so I have someone still to harass the shit out of.
Sally: … Thanks. So I shouldn't expect you to be too nice to me just yet?
Mark: Kaz, I defeated Hutchinson, and got Chrissie back into my life. I didn't release season 2 of Kings Of The Desert. You need to wait for a miracle before I'm nice to you.
Sally: … You're right... I'm sorry...




Mark: She does that abandoned puppy act really well.
Suki: Well you know why that is, right?
Mark: Nope. Why?
Suki: She left me back home on purpose.
Mark: Excuse me?
Suki: Sal. She wanted you to handle tricks here just you two.
Mark: Why? If I wanted an awesome twosome job done I'd have gotten Nicky or Jessie over here sooner instead.
Suki: Well that's just it. You didn't. You chose her.
Mark: I chose her AND you.
Suki: You still chose her. She liked that. And that's why she's been particularly affectionate these last couple weeks.
Mark: Affectionate? Is that why she hovers around me a lot more and bothers me- oh...
Suki: Exactly.
Mark: Her idea of giving someone intimate affection is to be a very annoying little dwarf who has no sense of the personal space bubble?
Suki: To be fair, with her, there IS no bubble anyway. But yes, basically.
Mark: … But she tried to set me and Chrissie back up again.
Suki: Maybe she thought that's what you wanted. She wanted to make you happy, like any good friend does.
Mark: … She IS a good friend.
Suki: Yep.
Mark: … But this is Kazi we're talking about. KAZI.
Suki: … Yes?
Mark: I couldn't be with Kazi.
Suki: Why not?
Mark: It's KAZI!
Suki: … You make a good point.
Mark: When I'm around her, she's like a punching bag. Like she's got “bully here” tattooed on her face.
Arnie: Dude, you did say she was beautiful.
Mark: EW! I couldn't call Kazi something NICE! That's like homosexual.
Arnie: You do know she's not actually a boy, don't you?
Mark: No!
Arnie: Oh... Well she IS a girl. And always has been... At least I think so. Hasn't she?
Suki: Yes, she has.
Arnie: Good.
Suki: At least for as long as I've known her.
Arnie: What!?
Suki: … That was a joke. C'mon, I've known her for all our lives. There were no jokes about being a man until she came here.



Danni: Sorry for eavesdropping, but I couldn't help it. You did used to call her “Kawaii Kazi” if I remember rightly.



Sabbie: Oh yeah! You totes did! I was there!
Mark: You stay out of this, Mini-Me. All you ever do is talk about the times I make pervy comments towards any girl and/or me and Terri having sex.
Sabbie: Boo you!



Mark: … I need to go.



Sabbie: Don't ruin a perfectly happy friendship this time!
Terri: And just what is that supposed to mean, Sabs?
Sabbie: Um...




Mark: Who's winning?
James: What?
Mark: Your game of tonsil tennis. Who's winning?
James: …
Julie: He's joking, James.
James: Oh! Right...
Mark: Have you guys seen Kaz?
Julie: Uh no, sorry Mark.
James: Yeah we haven't really been paying attention.
Mark: You don't say... Ok thanks.



Jamie: KNIFE!
Arnie: Ah fuck! No, not again! Not after last year!
Jamie: Walsh, relax. I was jokin'.
Arnie: You dick.



Mark: Yo, Lan.
Alannis: Hey Mark. Any chance you can stop using that name in the new year?
Mark: Nope, nice try though.
Jenny: Sup Mark?
Mark: Jen, have you seen-
Jenny: -Sally? Outside.
Mark: I love how you and me have always clicked so well, we even finish each other's-
Jenny: -Sentences. I know! It's-
Mark: -Great. Well I best go-
Jenny: -Make out with her.
Mark: What?
Jenny: What?
Mark: … That wasn't what I was going to say.
Jenny: It wasn't?
Mark: No.
Jenny: Oh... I'm-
Mark: -Sorry. It's fine, I'll be back-
Jenny: -In a bit.



Jenny: … Weird.
Alannis: Yeah. You don't say...



Jenny: Anyway, like I was saying-
Alannis: -About that salon you were at. Yeah?
Jenny: Hey! We do it too!




Sally: Hey.
Mark: 'Sup.
Sally: … How's your lip?
Mark: Oh it's fine. The stinging in my knuckles from when I smacked Hutchinson in his face more than made up for it.
Sally: Such a soft caring soul you are.
Mark: Likewise. How's your eye?
Sally: It's still really sore. But I'll live. Thanks again for playing hero that night.
Mark: Stupid bitch should've known better than to touch my Kazi.
Sally: (Giggles) Wow, when have you ever been protective of me?
Mark: I always am. I welcome verbal abuse onto you, just not physical.
Sally: That's... Partially sweet.



Mark: …
Sally: … How's YOUR eye?
Mark: Huh?
Sally: The eye patch. I was joking.
Mark: Oh. Right.
Sally: You always love that eye patch.
Mark: Well of course. It's highly badass.
Sally: Hehe, sure.



Sally: … So it's nearly 2015.
Mark: Yep. Excited?
Sally: I don't know... I guess. Why? What's there to look forward to especially?
Mark: Well...
Sally: …
Mark: …
Sally: Thanks, you've convinced me.
Mark: Sorry, I just... I don't know. That's part of the mystery though, isn't it?
Sally: Not really... There never is any mystery anymore. The years are often the same. I just want a change. A big change. Something I've always wanted.
Mark: So... You want to leave Moonstone, marry Nikolaus Kristofferson and bear his children, and also have Dragon Blaze V released?
Sally: Oh no, I don't want to leave! I love it here, everyone... Everyone's brilliant. I won't say no to DB V though. And Nikolaus, well... I only have some NSFW comments to say about that so I'll brush past it.
Mark: Ha, that's typical of you.
Sally: I just meant... I don't know. I just need something new in my life.



Mark: … Maybe you can.
Sally: … ?



Sally: … Mark?
Mark: I need to talk to you about something. It's important.
Sally: Ok, sure. Whatever you want.
Mark: Really?
Sally: … Yeah?
Mark: Good, because it's about you.
Sally: Me?
Mark: Yeah. And... Me.
Sally: You?
Mark: …
Sally: …
Mark: I'm gonna' take this bloody patch off though because it's ridiculous.
Sally: Hehe. Ok well if it's THAT serious of a conversation, I'll take these hipster glasses off too. And also pay extra attention to what you say.



Mark: Wow.
Sally: What?
Mark: It's just... You look... I mean you-...
Sally: Is that a compliment I'm about to receive from you?
Mark: No it isn't. Fuck off.
Sally: …
Mark: Sorry, jerk reaction... Yes, it is. You look... Really, really great.
Sally: Awww. See, why can't you be this sweet when other people are around, huh?
Mark: I could be... If you wanted me to be.
Sally: W-... Really?
Mark: Really. If that's what you want from me. Joking and piss-taking aside, you're important to me. And I want you to be happy.
Sally: Aww well you too. That's why I came here in the first place, to help you any way I could.
Mark: You do look out for me...
Sally: (Smiles)
Mark: And you really are something special... And for once, I'm not implying you're retarded.
Sally: Wow. Are you serious?
Mark: Yeah, I am serious. I've never given you the credit you've deserved to hear, but you're really a wonderful person, Sal.
Sally: Did you just call me Sal?
Mark: Yeah, I did... I found it's easier to not abuse you if I stay away from calling you Kazi.
Sally: Call me Sal more then. I always wondered what happened to the gentleman in you.
Mark: Well he's here now.
Sally: …
Mark: Sally... I-



Paddy: Hey Kaz, you gotta' hear this news we just found out, it's pretty sweet, you're gonna' like.
Sally: I am? Ok.



Sally: … What is it, Mark?
Mark: … Nothing. You go inside, see what they have to tell you.
Sally: Are you sure?
Mark: Sure. Go ahead.
Sally: I'll be back out in a minute then, ok? I'll let you talk to me about whatever it is you wanted.




Mark: Fuck you, Paddy.
Paddy: What!? What did I do wrong now!?
Mark: Help a brother out will you, and play wingman? By that I mean LET me be alone with the girl, DON'T just take her away!
Paddy: Kaz? Kaz is “the girl”? Are you serious?
Mark: I know...
Paddy: That's so gay of you. She's such a dude.
Mark: I kn-... Oh come on Paddy, let's get real here for a sec and admit she's pretty gorgeous.
Paddy: … Y'know, I never really noticed before... Huh. Interesting. When I think about it, she is kinda'... Wow, I just got a very cold shiver.
Mark: That's how I felt at first too, but the idea of her is warming on me.
Paddy: What kind of idea of her?
Mark: Never you mind! Anyway, I'm gonna' go back inside, try and sweeten her up a bit more.
Paddy: Please leave me out of it then. I don't want to think less of you which I'm dangerously close to.



Sally: WHAT!? Are you actually being serious?
Alannis: No word of a lie. Luke told us himself.



Alannis: I heard the rumor, I looked into it myself, and it is true. I thought you'd especially like it.
Sally: Too right! Wow... Oh no, I'm getting shivers all over. I'm going to see Nikolaus Kristofferson on new year's eve and I left all my good clothes in my suitcase in the taxi! This couldn't be a worse time!... Oh, he's going to hate me isn't he? I haven't felt this hyped up about anything in so long. It's awesome... And horrid at the same time.



Mark: I'm going back outside.
Paddy: Huh? Hey! Mark, come on now! Just because he's gonna' be there doesn't mean-!



Gwen: What's up with him?
Paddy: … I think he's having a man issue.
Gwen: Tsk. You boys. All the same.
Paddy: Is that why you're a lesbian?
Gwen: … I'm not.
Paddy: Oh. Then why did you not tell Mark that two years ago when he was wanting to sling it with you but thought you were turning to the other side?
Gwen: And that's why he asked me a few months back to play a pole dancer in one of his project ideas?
Paddy: … I dunno!
Gwen: I learn so much about you Paddy.
Paddy: Erm. Good?
Gwen: I wouldn't quite put it like that. In fact, I think I become less fond of you the more I learn.
Paddy: Oh.




Voice: Hey.



Mark: Oh... Hi.
Sally: What's wrong?
Mark: Nothing...
Sally: Oh come on, you were fine just before. Now you look so sad. I didn't leave you alone for THAT long did I?
Mark: I'm fine Kazi, don't worry about it. Probably just a bit weary.
Sally: … Something's wrong. I know it is.
Mark: …
Sally: … We can keep this silence if you like, or feel free to change the subject randomly with something if that's what you fancy.
Mark: … So Nikolaus.
Sally: Yeah, can you believe it?
Mark: … Actually yeah, Luke told me quite some time ago.
Sally: And you didn't THINK to tell me!?
Mark: … I guess it slipped my mind.
Sally: But how could it? I mean it's Nikolaus. He's so... Mmm.
Mark: I gathered that, yes. Thank you.



Mark: Sal...
Sally: Yes?
Mark: … Did you always picture yourself with an older, mature man?
Sally: Is that a joke?
Mark: No, seriously, I want to know.
Sally: Oh, ok. Well it just happened to be coincidence that all the mature guys I liked were older than me. That's all.
Mark: But you need someone mature, right? Big, tall, strong, protective and mature?
Sally: Hey, most people are tall enough, compared to me. Strength can be of the muscle or the mind. Or both. But you know what, maturity isn't even something I need.
Mark: It isn't?
Sally: No. As long as he's smart, is caring and really does treasure me, A Kazi is happy.
Mark: … Not many smart people out there then, huh?
Sally: Even you are smart, Mark. But don't let that go to your head.
Mark: Funny. Well I'll try. Actually wait, you're implying even I'm smart enough?
Sally: Of course Mark. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Apart from it's very rare moments like these when you're sweet, serious and aren't abusing me.
Mark: Wow... That gives me something to consider then.
Sally: Good. So are you sure you don't want to speak to me about anything?
Mark: … No. Not just yet... Maybe soon though. (Smiles)
Sally: Oh, ok then. Always here if you needs me.
Mark: I know you are... Likewise. I'm always here for you.
Sally: Unless you tell me to go away, right?
Mark: Ha. I'd never turn you away if you needed me. Never ever.
Sally: (Smiles)
Mark: …



Sally: Don't stay out here too long, I don't want you getting cold.
Mark: I won't.
Sally: Good. See you inside.





Paddy: So did you get your tongue down her?
Mark: … Fuck you, Paddy.
Paddy: You keep saying that. I take that as a “no” then.
Mark: Of course I fucking didn't.
Paddy: Alright, alright.
Mark: How do you compete with a guy like Nikolaus Kristofferson anyway?
Paddy: You think he's competition?
Mark: Have you not HEARD how she goes on about him?
Paddy: I know. I learnt so much about the sort of sexual activities that goes on in her mind. I was rather traumatised to learn how... “Adventurous” her imagination can be in that department.
Mark: Thanks douchebag, you're making me feel better here.
Paddy: Sorry. Besides, who knows, maybe you'll be the one who experiences that imagination of hers for real... As I vomit in my own mouth at the thought of it.
Mark: I don't know... I don't think she'd go for me.
Paddy: Give over. I don't think Nikolaus usually pursues very young, short blonde gamer emo girls who only ever talk about virtual reality, RPGs, magic, dragons, technology or strange fantasies, and who listen to hip-hop and gangsta rap all day.
Mark: Funny, with the exception of being blonde, Terri sounds quite like that too... Oh fuckssake, now I'm imagining TERRI with Nikolaus!
Paddy: Let's not get carried away into ridiculousness. Besides, Terri listens to rap?
Mark: … Ok, no she doesn't. But she could have. I mean, would Kazi strike you as a hip-hop and rap music listener unless she told you?
Paddy: If she's wearing that fucking stupid cap of hers when you meet her, yeah. Otherwise, no, you're right. I still don't think you have to worry about him. Just seal the deal on her. New year's eve, it's such an atmospheric time. Just get a bit tipsy, a little bit merry together, and just do it. Make a move. You'll lock her in no problem. I will never look at either of you two the same way ever again, but whatever.
Mark: I'll never look at you the same way again when you finally get yourself a girl you don't throw away after three weeks.
Paddy: Find me a worthwhile girl who isn't high maintenance and/or a bitch towards me then maybe just maybe.
Mark: …
Paddy: …
Mark: … Y'know what, after all of this, I don't think Kazi is the one after all.
Paddy: Oh here we go again...
Mark: Yes, exactly, here we go again. Truth is, she's not the girl on my mind, and in my heart right now.
Paddy: No surprise, that's usually how you work. Who's the poor chick this time?
Mark: Surely you know who the other is.
Paddy: … Chrissie?
Mark: No... Well, yes, but no. What's happened with Chrissie has happened, no going back now.
Paddy: … Fuck, please don't tell me it's Tanya. I know you spent all weekend with her but please for the love of Walsh-
Mark: You mean Tina.
Paddy: Oh what-the-fuck-ever.
Mark: It's not Tanya, no.
Paddy: You mean Tina.
Mark: Fuck off.
Paddy: Well thank Walsh... Don't scare me like that! I get shivers of the thought of her curled up with you... Such ew. Ok, I dunno who then.
Mark: Of course you do!
Paddy: …
Mark: … ?
Paddy: … Not... ?
Mark: Yes... ?
Paddy: … Oh for sandssake, every single time you come back here to Neath, you're begging to get into her pants!
Mark: Shut the fuck up!
Paddy: It's 'cause she's a uni student now isn't she?
Mark: It adds to the appeal I think, but no, that's not it. Look... If I did go for it with her again though-
Paddy: For the third bloody time.
Mark: Yes, for the third time. “Third time's the charm.”
Paddy: Whatever.
Mark: She can't leave here. And I'd have to stay.
Paddy: …
Mark: I know.
Paddy: What, you'd leave us? You'd LEAVE The Wasteland!?
Mark: I never said that.
Paddy: Yes you did! You're basically saying you'd have to live here again to be with her. What about us back home? What about Moonstone? I am NOT working for Moonstone Neath Branch!
Mark: … Are you finished?
Paddy: NO I AM NOT FINISHED!
Mark: Too bad. I wouldn't abandon Moonstone. I honestly don't know how it'd work anyway. Without leaving you that is. But funnily enough, it isn't Terri I'm thinking of. Well, again, it is, but in the same sense as Chrissie.
Paddy: Wha-?... But I thought you were-
Mark: -You thought wrong.
Paddy: I've got no bloody clue who you're thinking of then.
Mark: I guess you'll have to wait and see.
Paddy: Good. In that case, good luck.
Mark: Thanks. In the meantime though... I always have you here.
Paddy: Oh please. Stop being so fucking gay.
Mark: What? Oh c'mon, we have a total bromance going on.
Paddy: Shut up!
Mark: Why!?
Paddy: Because any and all references to our brotherhood are usually the things I say, and YOU are often the one to tell ME to shut up.
Mark: Huh... I tell a lot of people to shut up it seems. Maybe I should stop doing that so much.
Paddy: Yeah maybe.



Mark and Paddy: …



(Mark and Paddy laugh)
Mark: Fuckin' 'ell...
Paddy: We're a right pair.
Mark: Whey aye we are.



Paddy: Well, you are right. We at least have one another no matter what-someone just as fucked up as the other.
Mark: Too right. No other bloke I'd rather be tearing the UMC up with day-to-day than you.
Paddy: What about Luke?
Mark: Don't ruin the immersion when I'm trying to make you feel like #1 for once.
Paddy: Sorry.




Paddy: …
Mark: …
Paddy: … You DO prefer Luke over me though.
Mark: I told you to shut the fuck up!