Desert Diary 3: Preparing For Voyage

Preparing For Voyage



Mark: Are we missin’ anything?
Paddy: Not that I can see.
Mark: An Afternoon With Mark And Paddy… Do we have Mark?
Paddy: Yes we do… sadly.
Mark: Oi! Anyway, do we have Paddy?
Paddy: Of course! The pretty face of the operation.
Mark: Well, if YOU’RE the pretty face, let’s just say I’m so glad it’s radio.
Paddy: Har-har-har.
Mark: Do we have the guns, explosive barrels, posh suits, naked chicks, Stephen Garland…
Paddy: Woah wait a minute, you’re reading about the wrong show.
Mark: … Oh yeah, sorry ‘bout that.
Paddy: We do have Steve though.
Mark: Excellent! In addition to what we’ve planned earlier, I think the radio ship is ready to set sail… when the storm beyond the pier’s cleared, that is.
Paddy: What a lovely analogy, seriously. I loved it.
Mark: Thank you.
Terri: Ahem!



Paddy: What?… Why do you have the cursed video camera out?
Terri: Mark’s orders.
Mark: Indeed. Thank you Tessy Bear.
Paddy: “Tessy Bear”? Oh please…
Mark: Anyway…



Paddy: Hey! Don’t go! We still gotta’ work out the show!
Mark: I’m not goin’ anywhere! Only standing up for a moment. Besides, what’s reading cooking books gonna’ help us with on a radio show?



Mark: Hello everybody! No, don’t worry, we haven’t forgotten about you. Hopefully you haven’t forgotten about us either.



Paddy: Who are you talkin’ to?
Mark: Our loyal fans of course!
Paddy: There’s no one there…
Mark: Well we have five fans that I know of, so there you go!



Mark: … I hope you’re watching this, you five people. So yeah, we wanted to give a heads up that the season special is finally coming your way next week. It’s long, I’ll give it that.
Paddy: (Coughs) That’s what she said…
Mark: But I personally guarentee you that it’s gonna’ be epic. It has everything covered-Max’s pursuit of Billie, Miles’ and Ralph’s suspicious behaviours, Daryl’s kick-assery,  Mikey’s antics, The Desert Cats, Kai/Kieran and Eliza’s drama… And more. The list is too long to go on.
Paddy: It’s uhm… largely successful. We already recorded a foreword for the episode last week, that should hopefully explain it in more detail later.
Mark: Yep. I believe that’s got the season special covered. Now Paddy, care to move over here?
Paddy: Was that a euphemism?
Mark: Oh shut up.



Mark: The other thing we need to update you on, the five greatest people in all of Alterra.
Paddy: Oh, is Chrissie one of these five?
Mark: … The seven greatest people in all of Alterra. Had to add Terrence in there as well.
Terri: (Giggles) Stop calling me Terrence.
Mark: Sorry Terrence.
Paddy: If there’s only five people, should we address them by name? Make it more personal?
Mark: You’re right. So, Vincenzo, Luke, Bernie, Collin and… erm, that Maulinian man.
Paddy: Wow, I’m sure he feels very loved right now.
Mark: I apologise said Maulinian person, dearly. I suppose I could safely include Jacek Nowak as a fan I suppose-he’s a fan of my books of all terrible things so he MUST be a fan of the show.
Paddy: Well, glad we sorted that out… if there are any other fans out there, please let us know-we’d love to make double digits one day.
Mark: Definitely. So anyway, humble people who I just named, when we return home to Marvega, we will be starting our radio show as soon as possible.
Paddy: It was just going to be a podcast in a radio station’s office, but we managed to secure an official spot on MRLD Radio… On Saturdays! Prime time lunch hour too!



Mark: I wonder how much Neil had to pay to get the deal…
Paddy: We’re gonna’ need a disclaimer at the start though ‘cause, well there’s still gonna’ be a bit of swearing, ‘n’ since it’ll be live, it can’t be edited.
Mark: That’s fine, I know a couple guys who did a radio show ‘n’ they swore a lot, the only word they didn’t say was c*** but they came very close to.
Terri: You’re lucky we could beep that one out.
Mark: I know we could, that’s why I said it.
Paddy: … Is that all we have to say about the show?
Mark: Well we’re still balancing the books ‘n’ doing a checklist of stuff so we can’t really explain what to expect. Besides, we’ve already given a small taster of what’s to come at the end of the Beyond The Dust documentary.
Paddy: Suit yourself.
Jessie: Incoming Nicky!



Nicky: Ah!
Jessie: Direct hit!
Paddy: Noisy kids these days…
Mark: Don’t bring Jessie into this.
Paddy: Favouritism.
Mark: I love Jessie! I’m not ashamed to admit I’m very biased.
Paddy: … Didn’t you hug Nicky the other day?
Mark: Let’s not go there… Will you kids stop playing in the middle of the road!?
Nicky: Sorry!
Jessie: Sowwy Marky Warky!
Paddy: (Laughs) Marky Warky! What a name…
Mark: (Blushes) Well…



Mark: I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce my beloved friend-Frank the Potted Ficus, or Frankie as I call him. He’s been with me for almost six years now-he was the first thing I bought with my first pay check from my first novel I wrote. As Alex would say: D’AWWW!
Paddy: Was that to change the subject from Jessie?
Mark: Indeed it was. Oh and by the way, he inspired the first name behind my Frank Tarren alter-ego.
Paddy: How’d you get Frank over here from home then?
Mark: It’s a long story, but he goes wherever I go, no matter how troubling it is at customs to bring a Ficus overseas.
Paddy: And the Cactus on the table?
Mark: Oh, that’s Cactus Jack… Cactus Jack belongs to Terri though.



Terri: Erm… I just want to say hello to everyone… That is all.



Mark: Good idea. I mean, you’re helping out with the show quite a bit after all, it’s good that people see more of you.



Chrissie: I’m back with food!
Stephen: You mean I’M back with food.
Chrissie: Well the cupboards were empty, we needed a lot of food, I can’t carry them bags, they’re just too heavy… Well, except for this one.
Stephen: There’s only milk and bread buns in that.
Chrissie: Well I’m sorry I’m not that strong.
Mark: Aw FOOD! How I forgot what food looks like…
Paddy: Yeah, the cupboards have been bone-dry for a while. I could use a good breakfast.
Chrissie: Breakfast hour’s passed, you missed out. Sorry.
Paddy: Aww damn it.



Terri: Erm, Mark honey, we haven’t finished here.



Mark: Oh yeah! There was one last thing.
Chrissie: Have you mentioned me and Eliza?
Mark: I was just about to.
Paddy: Mark hour’s passed, you missed out. Sorry.
Mark: Aww damn it.



Paddy: Hart & Chalmers… I’m sure at least three of you five people remember them. Or as one of you put it, the Chrissie and Clarissa duo.
Chrissie: Someone aside from Mark’s still calling her Clarissa? Oh, she’ll be mad.
Mark: I actually call her Clarence.
Chrissie: Which is exactly why she changed her name in the first place.
Mark: Really? Aw man I feel bad now, I don’t like upsetting my little Lizzie.
Paddy: Anyway, they’ve been doing gigs for the last couple months since their official public appearance.
Chrissie: When he says “gigs”, it was actually a fortnightly appearance at Doc’s… which is in The Wasteland, so no one knew about it.
Paddy: But that’s about to change! Before the guys came over here, they were part way through compiling their debut album, ‘n’ they’re continuing with it when we get back home. So… expect to see it on shelves soon. We’ll plug it a bit more when we hit the radio, so then more than just you five people will know about it.
Stephen: Five people?
Mark: You know what we mean Steve.



Mark: And that’s a rap… or, is it wrap with a w?
Paddy: Why would it be a rap as in a song?
Mark: I don’t know! I just wondered…
Jessie: (Gasps) Nicky! I see FOOOOD in the caravan!
Nicky: Yaaaaaaaay!
(Rushing feet to the door and the door opens)



Terri: This is getting quite overcrowded.
Chrissie: I’ll say.
Nicky: Where’s Robert? She’s the only one not here.
Mark: Stop calling her Robert! You know she doesn’t like that. And don’t mention her either, she’s supposed to be kept incognito.
Paddy: Well you call her Bobbie, so you’re not much better.
Mark: I’m not Nicky though, so she likes me.
Stephen: Point made.
Nicky: Awww Robert doesn’t like me?
(Long silence)
Chrissie: Can you guys all please sit down when I stock up the kitchen please? I don’t like being in a tight space when handling breakable jars.
Mark: It’s alright Treacle, we’re closing the diary now anyway. See you all next week, we promise!
Paddy: Then Mark doesn’t have to have Nicky stuck with him anymore… Actually, I think you’re fond of him now, hence why you hugged him.
Stephen: What? You hugged Nicky?
Jessie: I saw it! It was SO sweet! Awww you were both so happy!
Mark: I…
Chrissie: You’re not escaping this one too quickly honey. I think you actually like having Nicky around now.
Mark: Everyone just shut up and sit down, and say goodbye to the five people please.
Everyone: Goodbye five people!
Mark: … Great.



Stephen: Watch that table you’re sitting on, Nicky.
Nicky: Don’t worry, I won’t let it go anywhere.
Stephen: That wasn’t what I… (Sighs)
Paddy: So, when’s the next flight back home, do you know?
Mark: You’re staying with us buddy, there’s room for a final eighth person here.
Paddy: Does that mean I’m sharing Chrissie’s bed?
Mark: Over my dead body. No. Me and Chrissie have the main room. Terri and Bobbie are in the twin room on the side. Stephen and Jessie have the twin room at the back…
Paddy: I can see where this is going…
Mark: So you can share the sofa bed with Nicky.
(Mark and Stephen laugh)
Jessie: I can share with Nicky if Paddy doesn’t want to.
Stephen: But where’s the fun in that!?
Paddy: Thanks Jessie.
(Jessie beams with satisfaction of having done a good deed)
Stephen: You better not snore, Paddy.



Terri: I’ll just leave the camera here.
Mark: Sure. Come over here Tessy Bear.
Stephen: “Tessy Bear”?
Mark: Keep up, we already covered this!



Paddy: … A random point here, but we say “So anyway” a lot don’t we?
Stephen: I’ve noticed that too.
Terri: You could probably do a montage of all the times you guys have said it.
Jessie: That’s a brilliant idea!
Nicky: I’LL MAKE IT!
Mark: It’s better when it’s fan made though. A message to the future listeners on MRLD then-a fan made montage of every time we’ve said “So anyway”, or just “anyway” would be greatly appreciated. The montage might be longer than anything that’s ever existed though.
Paddy: It’d still be cool if a fan got in touch.
Mark: Actually, we should mention it now-we’ll read out fanmail and stuff every week on the show so feel free to write in about anything at all, if you have questions you want to ask us, or you just want to tell us things or anything that takes your fancy. Write in at ans.moonstone.ma/mark&paddy, our official address where you can send your fan mails to us.
Paddy: Or at mark2montagno@arcamail.ma, Mark’s personal address. In memory of his old mk2 Montagno he once owned-still somewhere in The Wasteland, buried by about three feet of sand when that big sandstorm hit eleven months ago.
Mark: Don’t give my personal address you bitch! I’m gonna’ get really creepy mail from fans now…… Or you can send them to paddyess90@arcamail.ma, PADDY’S personal address.
Paddy: Damn you.
Mark: What goes around, comes around buddy.
(Footsteps coming up the balcony)
Voice: Hi guys, I’m back!
Stephen: Bobbie’s back.
Mark: Everybody breathe in, make room for her.
Paddy: She’s not fat.
Mark: I didn’t say she was! I just meant we’re gonna’ need space because-
Paddy: She’s fat?
Mark: No! Because there’s so many people in here, we’re already pretty packed together.
(Door opens)
Roberta: Wow, boy do we have a full house today.
Paddy: Mark called you fat.
Mark: I did no such thing! I would never call you fat hun.
Roberta: … Who’s he?
Paddy: She doesn’t know who I am?
Mark: Well she’s never seen you before and we’ve never mentioned you in conversation except yesterday when you were on the plane over here.
(Awkward silence)
Stephen: What a great first impression you just made on her.
Paddy: I hate my life.
Mark: Don’t worry buddy, we all hate you too…
Paddy: Thanks for that.
Mark: You’re welcome.
(Long silence)
Terri: Thanks for watching everybody, see you next week for the Kings Of The Desert Special. Stay tuned also for An Afternoon With Mark And Paddy coming soon to MRLD Radio, and Hart & Chalmers’ debut album also coming soon to any and all good CD stores. Don’t forget to write to us at any of the three arcamail addresses, it’s up to you which one.
Mark: (Mutters) Wow, if we just said that exact thing, this diary would’ve been over ages ago.
Paddy: …
Mark: … Bye everyone!
Everyone: Goodbye!



Roberta: So erm… Paddy, it’s YOU who thinks I’m fat?
Paddy: …



Paddy: No, of course not. I was just messin’ on with Mark because… Mark, help me out here!
Mark: Don’t look at me, you’re on your own.



Roberta: Maybe I’ll look back over it on the camera right now…
Terri: Erm… Mark?
Mark: Yeah?
Terri: I was just looking up the latest Crimson Bulletin, and at a letter by some guy called Frank?
Mark: … Oh sh*t.
Terri: Yeah…
Stephen: What is it?
Mark: Nothing, nothing.
Paddy: Oh, it isn’t what you told me the other-
Mark: Yes, it is.
Paddy: Oh…
Terri: Well, I’m going for a bit of fresh air. (Glances at Mark)



Mark: Yeah, I’ll join you.
Terri: (Quietly) We can talk about it outside.



Roberta: Why’d you leave the camera on anyway?
Paddy: Because no one’s figured how you turn it off.



Roberta: … Well that wasn’t so hard.
Stephen: Thinks she’s so smart…