Desert Diary 5: A Moonstone Spectacular (Part 2)

Jackie: Sorry, so is this your friend you were telling me about the other week?
Mark: Who?
Jackie: The girl you mentioned you spend a lot of time with and she looks after the dog.
Tony: You've got a dog?
Mark: No grandma, that's Jessie.
Fiona: (Mutters) Oh no not her again...
Mark: And yes dad, I have a dog. And a cat.
Tony: Hmph. First I'm hearing of it.
Mark: This is Tina. You know, I've talked about her a great deal.
Jackie: You have?
Tina: You have?
And now I forgot the seventh, eighth and ninth things. I spent that much time coming up with stories to tell my family, I realised I hadn't told everyone everything, so some people still had holes to fill... Non-euphemistically speaking.
Mark: Of course. I... Talk about you a lot.
Amanda: Yeah, he talks about her all the time to me.
Jackie: You talk to Auntie Manda a lot as well?
Mark: Well duh. Me and Auntie Manda chat online like every weekend.
Jackie: And what about me?
Mark: If I'm on the phone to you, I never get off the thing again for at least three hours.
Jackie: I'm only wanting to see how my favourite grandson is.
Mark: I'm your only grandson.
Jackie: You're still my favourite.
Tony: What about Toby?
Mark: Don't talk to me about that prick.
Fiona: Hey!
Tina: Toby?
Mark: My imaginary brother.
Tina: You... Should I even ask?
Mark: It's my dad who invented him, not me.
Tony: Yeah.
Mark: Apparently his mam is some woman who worked at the local petrol station though. What's Toby do again?
Tony: He owns Faunton University.
Tina: He “owns” it?
Mark: Yeah. As in, he does bugger all, but he owns it.
Tony: And he's a champion winning off-road driver too.
Mark: “Like his dad”... Citation needed.
Tina: Ok. (Whispers) Wow...
Amanda: You're still my favourite nephew!
Mark: You're still my-... joint... favourite auntie.
Lynn: Nice escape.
Mark: Thank you. I figured it was customary to show up after about a year and immediately put my foot into my mouth.
Amanda: Well that's why you have me, because I do it more often than you!
Valerie: And now you have a lovely girl to keep you on the right path too.
Colin: Indeed. A very lovely girl if I may say so.
Tina: Well that's news to me Mark, when did you meet someone?
Colin: Wow, and she's modest too.
Tina: Sorry?
Mark: HAHAHA!
(Long silence)
Mark: Yes, she's too modest, bless her heart. You're something else, Tina, you really are, you're incredible.



Tina: …
Mark: (Mutters) Remember what I said...
Tina: … Do you guys mind excusing us while I talk to Mark about something in the hallway, please?
Valerie: Of course not love, go ahead.
Tina: Thank you.




Valerie: Aw she seems lovely, doesn't she?



Mark: What did I say?
Tina: What have you been telling them about us?... Not us. You. And me. Separate people who AREN'T an “us.”
Mark: I told you to go along with whatever was said or done.
Tina: Yeah? Well then to quote an old Evil Born Evil episode: “It's all been said and done. It's been real, and it's been fun.”



Mark: Tina, wait!



Tina: What!?
Mark: Ok, let me explain, just don't go anywhere, ok? Please?
Tina: Explain, and I'll see.
Mark: The whole idea of this charade this weekend is to get back at my parents.
Tina: That's... Going to need more explanation to help me understand.
Mark: I wanted to get back at my parents by proving them wrong. Unless my life goes the way they wanted it to, they see me as having been a disappointment to them. My life is NOTHING like what they wanted it to be-secure job, big house, wealthy area, dedicated and loyal wife, kids, big fancy car, money... How does acting, caravan, desert, any fit woman I meet in a club for one night, no kids, no family prospect, a friend they deem as mentally retarded and several broken cars sound to them?
Tina: Not... good?
Mark: Not good. Ok, so I can hardly blag my way past acting, caravan, desert, friends they deem as retards and broken cars. But what can I fool them on?
(Silence)
Mark: … You're supposed to answer that one.
Tina: Oh. Erm... Wait a minute-...
Mark: Yes?
Tina: You've told them I'm your WIFE!?
Mark: No of course not!
Tina: …
Mark: … They'd ask why they weren't invited to the wedding then. I just told them you're my girlfriend.
Tina: Oh for-!... (Sighs) Mark!
Mark: What!? Is it really so terrible to tell them one little lie?
Tina: Just one?
Mark: Well, ok, let me get you up to speed... You're my girlfriend. We live together back home in The Wasteland. We've been together a few months, but it became something serious quite quick. So maybe it was a little more than one lie, but do you want to know the best part?
Tina: Do I get to die or something?
Mark: Come on, T, let's be realistic here. The best part is you're just you. You don't have to be someone you're not.
Tina: I beg to differ, I have to be your girlfriend.
Mark: But as a person, you're just the way you are. You're pretty, smart, sensible, logical, hardworking, mature and you actually use your head... That's the exact kind of girl my parents wanted me to be with!... Woman... Lady.
Tina: Won't they catch on in the future when they ask how come we aren't married, and there's no children?
Mark: Look, I'm crossing that bridge when I get to it. For now, you're my girlfriend.
Tina: Ok...
Mark: Ok, think of it this way: You're part of Moonstone, I pay you to be an actress. So act. Act as if you're my very seriously-in-love girlfriend.
Tina: I think I preferred regular TV work.
Mark: No you don't, you love your job with me. So, this is just like any other acting job. Capiche?
Tina: … I don't have a good feeling about this.
Mark: I know, my parents are animals, but it'll be ok.
Tina: Not them-THIS, this facade we're having to do.
Mark: Aww don't be like that baby, it'll be fun!
Tina: Don't call me baby.
Mark: I'm only getting into character.
Tina: I know, and I'm already in mine.
Mark: Perfect! You are an incredibly talented actress, did I ever tell you that?
Tina: No, you didn't.
Mark: Oh... Well don't worry, I'm sure I will eventually. Now let's go back in?
Tina: … I'm mildly peeved about this.
Mark: But you love me, so you'll stick by me in my time of need, right?
Tina: Um...
Mark: Will you at least consider it but play along in the meantime?
Tina: … Mark...
Mark: I'll do puppy dog eyes.



Mark: Sorry about that, we uh-...



Tina: I just had to speak to him about, you know, coupley stuff.
Valerie: Aww, that's nice.
Tina: Hehe yeah.
Mark: (Mutters) Don't do that, that's out-of-character...



Jackie: So, where were we?
Mark: Uh...
Jackie: You sound foreign by the way.
Mark: Oh for fu-!... (Facepalms the table with an audible bang)
Tina: Sorry? Me?
Tenth thing: My grandma likes to change the subject of a conversation on a whim... and she's also unknowingly quite racist.
Jackie: Yeah, you sound foreign.
Tony: What are you talking about mam? She doesn't sound foreign at all.
Amanda: Shut up you, what did I tell you about saying things about foreigners? You know what me and Doreen think about it.
Jackie: But she does!
Tony: Shush!
Mark: … I'd like to take this opportunity to say it's nice to see you all again.
Jackie: But are you foreign?
Amanda: 'Ey!
Tina: Actually I'm Azarian, so yeah. But I was schooled over here so my accent isn't too strong.
Jackie: Oh right. I didn't think your accent sounded very foreign, just a little bit. And also you're not black.
(Everyone sighs)
Tina: I don't understand. Azarians aren't generally black.
Mark: (Mutters) Grandma believes everyone who isn't Denevian is black.
Tina: (Quietly) That's a bit racist though, isn't it?
Mark: Well yeah, exactly. Why do you think we always sigh?
Jackie: Well I guess your hair's black, is that something to do with being foreign?
Mark: Dad's hair's black! Or, it WAS before the grey. Unless you're saying he's foreign as well?
Jackie: Well he can't be can he, if he's my own son.
Mark: Yeah whatever.
Betty: Valerie, what's everyone talking about!?
(Fiona, Valerie and Mark sigh)
(Doorbell rings)
Mark: Thank Walsh for that.
Valerie: Who's that?
Fiona: I'll get it!



Mark: That sounded ominous.
Tina: What do you mean?
Mark: Mam is never eager to answer the door, she always says it's salesmen.
Fiona: Hi! Come in.
Mark: Something's going on.
Fiona: Mam, I hope you don't mind I invited someone here.
Valerie: Yes that's fine.



Terri: Hiya guys.
Mark: Terri!
Terri: Marky!



Sabbie: Wow, get a room you two.
Mark: Uh...
Sabbie: What? Oh come on, I can't make one or twenty sexual suggestions about you guys?



Sabbie: … Why's everyone looking at me funny?
Mark: Um, everyone, this is Terri's baby cousin, Sabrina. I've mentioned her before.
Sabbie: 'Sup guys?
(Silence)
Sabbie: … Tough room.
Fiona: Are all your friends like Jessie?
Sabbie: Why is everyone comparing us lately!?
Terri: I'm sorry, I thought everyone was expecting me. I'm not causing any trouble, am I?
Valerie: Of course not Terri, it's always a pleasure to see you.
Terri: Aww thank you Valerie, it's always nice to see everyone too.



Amanda: Hey you, where's my hug?
Terri: Sorry Amanda.



Terri: And how are YOU?
Mark: I'm fine sweetpea, how are you?
Terri: Well I'm better now. Sabs told me you were here and I was hoping you hadn't just gone back home and not even paid me a visit, especially since I haven't seen you in a few weeks.
Mark: I'd never forget to drop by Tigs, you know that. I miss you too much.
Terri: I miss you too.



Mark: … Why's everyone looking at us funny?
Tina: (Lightly elbows Mark)
Mark: Oh, yeah.
Terri: What is it?
Mark: Don't worry, I... (Quietly) I'll tell you later.
Terri: It's not another one of your Sarean stories is it?
Mark: I told you about them? Oh geez...
I never anticipated the arrival to be easy. But I didn't expect it to be this much of a disaster. Still, it got a bit better. After my grandma could finally accept that Tina was indeed foreign and indeed twelve years older than me... Which we had a cunning love-at-first-sight type of story on-hand to get past that hurdle... The parents then decided they weren't staying for dinner, and drove my great gran home. Nor were my aunties and uncles staying, except for Colin as he doesn't live local so was staying over too. That left us a bit more breathing room. I got Terri and Sabbie off to one side to explain the situation with Tina, so they'd understand and play along. If I knew Terri would be there though, I'd have gotten her to play the part of fake weekend girlfriend instead-I can't think of a human being my parents adore more than Terri. Except for Toby, if we want to count that fantasy twat.



Terri: Thank you for that Valerie, it was lovely.
Valerie: You're quite welcome sweetheart.
Sabbie: Yeah Mrs Willis, that was awesome!
Valerie: That's quite alright, dear.
Tina: Yes it was very nice, thank you.
Valerie: I'll go and do them dishes then.



Colin: Right, well. I think I best go prepare for bedtime before anybody else wishes to occupy the bathroom.



Sabbie: (Whispers) Does he always talk posh?
Mark: Yes.
Terri: So...
Mark: So... ?
Terri: What you been up to when you haven't been seeing me?
Mark: Not a great deal in all honesty. Preparing for this weekend.
Terri: That sounds wise actually.
Mark: How about you? How's uni?
Terri: I'm loving it. I'm really glad I finally got to go, even despite... Well, you know.
Mark: Despite going to travel the whole of Alterra.
Terri: Yeah that's right...
Mark: You've always been a born traveller.
Terri: Yeah, well you too as it turns out.
Mark: Yeah except I was never into traveling the same time as you started up. Like the gap year in college you took. If I was into traveling that far back, I could've gone with you.
Terri: (Laughs) Yeah, and hey, maybe we wouldn't have broken up.
(Silence)
Mark: Maybe we wouldn't have ever broken up. I mean, I wouldn't have went to college. I wouldn't have met...
Terri: … Chrissie.
Mark: Who knows, I mightn't have even bothered acting, meaning Moonstone would never exist.
Terri: It's quite frightening to think that that's all because of us breaking up. Potentially because of that.
Mark: … It's WEIRD. I wouldn't say frightening. It would only be frightening if I lost you forever.
Terri: Ha, yeah, because that's never going to happen.
Mark: I'm stuck with you so long as you're stuck with me.
Terri: Exactly.




Tina: I'm going to go get ready for bed too...
Mark: Oh ok. Our room's the second from the left up the stairs.
Tina: Thanks... “Sweety.”
Mark: No problem. I'll be up shortly too then.



Terri: Can't believe everyone's believed it.
Mark: So far, anyway. I was thinking though, it might've been much easier if I thought to use you instead.
Terri: (Giggles) Oh, yeah, just go ahead and use me.
Mark: Well think about it, it isn't like we're uncomfortable with each other in... Well, in any possible respect. We wouldn't be afraid to go the odds to convince them we were together.
Terri: Do they even know that we did actually get back together a second time anyway?
Mark: Hell no. In fact I never even told them me and Chrissie broke up in the first place. But since they never cared for her, they haven't seemed to have made any comment about her absence since last time. They're too absorbed in your company. They absolutely love you to bits here.
Sabbie: Yeah, I mean you two go on like a couple slobbering over each other anyway, so I can imagine your mum invited Terri here just to try and set you two up. Not realising you had a fake girlfriend already.
(Silence)
Sabbie: … Why are you two looking at me funny?



Terri: Do you want any help with the dishes, Valerie?
Valerie: Oh no I'm fine love, thank you though.
Sabbie: Boo you, Tigs. Walkin' away from me like this, such treachery...



Mark: That IS what my mam was planning. I can tell. More fool her though, I showed her up so soon. My super duper plan.
Sabbie: So speaking of this super duper plan of yours... Not so super duper huh?
Mark: It could've been a smoother start, I'll confess.
Sabbie: Rather than pretending you're boning Tina, you could've just literally boned Terri. Doesn't matter if you're together or not, you'd still do it, they'd still buy it. Plus, you know, you'd get to bone my cousin.
Mark: These are sentences you shouldn't be saying.
Sabbie: Oh I know, but someone has to. And I like to make you more and more convinced you made the wrong plan for this trip.
Mark: Sarean, Sabbie. That is all I'm going to say. It can never beat Sarean.



Terri: Well Sabs, I think we're going to take off now.
Mark: Yeah, go on Sabbie, scram.
Sabbie: Aww, but you two haven't even kissed or ANYTHING!
Mark and Terri: Ssh!
Sabbie: Oh! Sorry, I forgot Mark's bullshit cover about banging Tina.
Mark: I think you're going to take off now, Sabs. And I do mean NOW.
Sabbie: Well boo you.
Terri: I'll get her put straight to bed since she's getting cranky.
Sabbie: Cranky!?
Terri: I stand corrected. You're so mellow.
Sabbie: As mellow as melon.
Mark: You mean as mellow as yellow.
Sabbie: Don't get artistic with me.
Mark: Goodnight you two.
Sabbie: Yeah, whatever. Just let me know how sharing a bed with Tina goes, I want the goss'. I want all the dirty deets.
Mark: Yeah, no chance sweetheart.
Terri: Spare me them, please.
Mark: Get real Terri, nothing's going to happen. Don't want to make you jealous anyway.
Terri: Heh, oh give over you.



Sabbie: I'm not letting her leave until I'm satisfied with your goodbye, by the way.
Mark: Sorry?
Sabbie: You two don't do ordinary goodbyes, so... Do it properly, otherwise we can stand here all night.
Mark: That's fine with me, we can talk about pop trivia and eat waffles all night.
Terri: Sounds like fun actually.
Sabbie: No! So totally NOT fun! Come on guys, just man up the both of you and cuddle it out. Then me and Tigger can go grab some chips and stick a film on back home... And talk about pop trivia and eat waffles.
Terri: All night?
Sabbie: All night.
Terri: Nice.
Mark: Ok, fine, anything to get rid of you. You annoying-yet-adorable ginger midget. Goodnight, Tessy Bear.
Terri: Goodnight Sparks.



Sabbie: Yes, that's it. Keep hugging. Keep hugging. Keep. Just a bit more. Tighter. Yep, that's good. Ok. No, hold up, there's more.
Terri: (Sigh) Sabbie, please-
Sabbie: Na-ah-ah! You will obey. A hug is a hug, but what's more than a hug? A hug and something else. C'mon, just a little peck. Geez, you two are such pussies.
Terri: Hmmm, well I...
Mark: Aw what the hell Terri, we always do anyway.




Sabbie: Better. Not the best I've seen you two do, but that's acceptable. For this time at least.
Mark: Yeah, now sod off Mini-Me.
Sabbie: How rude!
Mark: Love you, Terri.
Terri: Love you too. Now come on YOU, your bedtime when we get back.
Sabbie: No fair! You two are like the worst parents EVER!
Terri: You never did like when I babysat you.
Mark: And I now understand why you never let me come and have a cheeky sleepover with you when you were “preoccupied with family matters.” She's always been such a handful.
Sabbie: You're both just big bullies!




Valerie: So that's what it's all about.
Mark: What?
Valerie: You're pretending to be doing all these things, to try and get back at your mum and dad. Make them think you've done what they knew you wouldn't do.
Mark: What!? Now that... Ok yes that's true, is it so wrong?
Valerie: Well, no. I think they deserve it.
Mark: Good.
Valerie: But Tina?
Mark: Tina?
Valerie: How is she?
Mark: She's fine with it, she understands. She's actually surprisingly cool with it, I didn't think she'd go through with it, so I respect her for that. She had concerns, but I think she's decided to help out in the end. I feel like she knows what I go through.
Valerie: And Terri?
Mark: What about Terri?
Valerie: How is she?
Mark: She's great. I wouldn't leave her alone if she wasn't happy, you know that.
Valerie: I mean about the Tina thing.
Mark: … Why wouldn't she-... ?
Valerie: …
Mark: … Oh right.
The twelfth thing. The most important of them all.
Mark: I know Terri still cares about me deeply. I care about her too. We ARE still best friends, you know. That's sort of the point of being besties forever-how we're always going to care for each other.
Valerie: I don't know why you can't just find someone to settle down with. Terri's perfect, Chrissie was perfect, you used to tell me so much about this Maria girl you had a thing with briefly, and that Jess girl, oh she was an angel, despite what your mum said about her she was adorable-such a cutie. And even Tina, she seems really lovely.
Mark: Please don't...
(Silence)
Mark: … Terri IS perfect. I'd do anything for her, always. Chrissie... I can't even find the words to begin with Chrissie, she was just something else, but equally as wonderful and special to me. Maria, Jess, there are no words to describe how incredible they are and how important they are in my life. And Tina, ha, Tina... Well Tina has a boyfriend for starters. On top of that, me and her aren't exactly amazing friends. Don't get me wrong, she's fine, we get on good enough, but I wouldn't say she's as close a friend as Terri, or Maria, or Jessie, or Sally or anyone like them. In fact I'm surprised even mam and dad are stupid and gullible enough to have bought that me and Tina are an item when we aren't.
Valerie: I know it's difficult sweetheart. I'm just glad you and Terri still have each other regardless. And this Maria girl, it sounds like you two still spend a lot of time together which is always good, and Jess. I'm just sorry about Chrissie, and-
Mark: Grandma, you know the rule... Not to talk about Chrissie. Always a touchy subject.
Valerie: I'm sorry love. Well all I'll add to that is it's a pity about Tina then. Because even though you say you're only pretending, it seemed like there was maybe a little “Woah, what's this?” spark between you two.
Mark: No. Not really. It's just that we're professional actors, that's why. We're convincing. And on that note, I'm off to bed, ok?
Valerie: Ok darling, goodnight. Just forget whatever I said, I wouldn't know anything about it anyway. Love was never so complicated when I was your age.
Mark: “Love”... Yeah, ok.






Mark: Oh.
Tina: Hey.
Mark: Hey. Nice shirt.
Tina: Thanks. It's yours.
Mark: I know. I let you borrow it. Looks good on you.
Tina: Um... Thanks?
Mark: You're welcome. I know it was a bit of a pervy comment, I didn't think at the time... You ok?
Tina: Yeah, I'm good... You?
Mark: … Uh-huh... You?
Tina: You already asked me that.
Mark: Oh, right! Of course... But are you good?
Tina: ...



Tina: What's up?
Mark: … I'm sorry, Tina.
Tina: Huh?
Mark: I'm sorry. For tonight. It was a stupid idea to do this, and I didn't want to have to drag anyone into this... Even you.
Tina: Thanks, I... I think.
Mark: I put a lot of pressure on you to do this, so if it's too much, you can tell me so right now and I promise I'll take you home in the morning.
Tina: But what about this whole plan of yours?
Mark: I guess I'll just have to be honest about it. That I'm leading the exact life they didn't want me to pursue. If you aren't happy with this, then I'm not going to force you to do it. You know I'm not that guy.
Tina: …
Mark: I HOPE you know I'm not that guy.
Tina: Mark...
Mark: …
Tina: Don't worry about it.
Mark: Really?
Tina: Yeah. I'm honestly ok with doing this. I... Would have appreciated a bit more warning about it, but I understand what it's like. To be looked at and judged by your parents.
Mark: Do you experience it too?
Tina: Well no, but I knew people when I was younger who did. I mean I have an older sister and she still has no family of her own. And my younger brother, though he's even a year younger than you so he's not exactly in need to rush into that sort of thing.
Mark: Yeah well neither do you. What I said earlier, about you still being young, and attractive... Et cetera... True, I was saying it in a panic because I was digging myself into a hole, but also I genuinely meant it.
Tina: Really?
Mark: Yeah! I do. You do look good, you just don't really seem to take much note of it yourself. If you just loosened yourself up a bit, embraced who you are and perhaps tried to live a bit more freely, just try having more fun and being perhaps a tiny bit wild, I think you'd find a lot more luck come your way in life.
Tina: (Smiles)
Mark: That, or you fuck it all up like I have.
Tina: You're only 25.
Mark: 24.
Tina: No, 25.
Mark: 25?
Tina: 25.
Mark: How do you know how old I am?
Tina: How do you not know how old you are?
Mark: Not sure, but I never seem to get it right. You... You actually know when my birthday was?
Tina: … Stephen told me.
Mark: Which Step-
Tina: Mark!
Mark: Sorry, force of habit...
Tina: But yeah, somehow, I remembered. Happy birthday for then by the way, I know I'm a bit late.
Mark: No it's cool, thanks anyway. I appreciate it.
Tina: No problem.
Mark: So even Steve remembers my birthday?
Tina: Of course.
Mark: Bastard didn't wish me happy birthday.
Tina: Heh, he wanted to. But with him and Paddy not getting along anymore the last time they spoke, he feels like it isn't his place over there anymore, with any of you.
Mark: He knows fine well he's always welcome. He can just avoid Paddy, everyone else is fine nowadays.
Tina: I'll pass along the message then.
Mark: Look, I want to make it up to you for today.
Tina: I said don't worry about it.
Mark: Seriously, T. I want to take you out tomorrow, show you around, make a day of it.
Tina: You don't have plans with Theresa?
Mark: No, her and Mini-Me are catching up. I've seen her more recently than her own baby cousin so... I told them to have some quality one-on-one time rather than a group of us. So, day out tomorrow, sound good?
Tina: Ok. Sounds good.
Mark: Good... Well thank you for being a better girlfriend than I anticipated.
Tina: Thanks, I think. Thank you for not being as perverted a boyfriend as I anticipated?
Mark: … That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day, thank you so much.
Tina: You're very welcome.
Mark: And for the rules of sleeping together...
Tina: Oh Mark, you were so, so close...
Mark: I'm sorry, but it had to be asked.
Tina: What rules?
Mark: I'm going to be honest with you. This was a very warm room as a kid. Of course it was, because the radiator was right next to the bed. Or rather, the bed was next to the radiator as it was by the wall. But anyway, now the radiator's gone and the bed is in the centre of the room, away from the wall. It gets really bloody cold now. It's not so much a problem for me, I handle the cold fine. But you... ?
Tina: I don't do cold terribly well in bed, plus I'm not in normal pyjamas so it's a bit drafty on the legs.
Mark: If morality permits it, I'll donate my body heat to make the night more sufferable.
Tina: Morality does not permit it at all… But I suppose it can't be the worst thing to ever happen ever. Hypothermia is worse.
Mark: I knew you'd be happy with that idea.
Tina: It's just a bit strange. I'm not used to sharing a bed with anyone.
Mark: Not even Steve?
Tina: Stephen's a bedhog. I end up hanging over the edge by morning. So he stopped staying over at mine and vice versa as much.
Mark: Oh. I'm sorry.
Tina: It's ok. Just don't push me out.
Mark: No fear, I'm a very fair and generous person when it comes to bed space. And that is a sentence I just said.
Tina: I'll trust you then. So long as I'm still in place when I wake up.
Mark: I promise you're in safe hands. Erm... Not in a perverted way.
Tina: Ok.
Mark: … Well, goodnight Tin-Tin.
Tina: Goodnight Mark.



Mark: I just hugged Tina. That's a newsflash.
Tina: Heh, yeah, shut up already.
Mark: I love this sense of humour of yours that's come along. I could get used to you being my girlfriend.
Tina: … Yeah...
Mark: That was another sentence I have now said in my lifetime. To TINA.
Tina: I'm glad we're establishing my name.
Mark: Oh, sorry. It's Tanya, isn't it?
Tina: Yeah, yeah...



(Long silence)
Mark: … Tina?
Tina: Yes Mark?
Mark: … You're not so bad.
Tina: (Smiles) Neither are you. Goodnight Mark.
Mark: Goodnight.



Tina: …
Mark: … Oh by the way, my grandma now knows we're completely full of shit and just playing a game with my parents but she's agreed to turn a blind eye and let us continue.
(Long silence)
Mark: Yep. Well goodnight again.
Tina: … Night.

The Third And Fourth Wheels



Dawn broke. And I woke up, not to the sound of a Wonderdog barking, or even that of any sound. It was silent. Still, I guess it was more than I expected-I was anticipating waking up to be held captive in some contraption that would lead to an untimely and terribly gruesome death. Maybe I was just a bit lucky for now.



I did however forget what had happened the night before. Thing number thirteen.



I had a Tina in my bed. Not just that, but I had a Tina in my ARMS. So this was what it felt like to be Stephen Garland, except without the throwing your girlfriend to the floor part. Shame on you Steve. Still, this was a pretty awesome feeling, as bizarre as the situation was. I almost felt the urge to exclaim my identity as Stevie Steve McStephenson and roll the rest of my life as the coolest mofo ever. Sadly, I'm not Stephen Garland, I'm just Mark Davison.
Tina: (Murmurs as she wakes up)



Mark: Good morning.
Tina: Oh, good morning.
Mark: Well you're still in bed.
Tina: And not on the verge of falling out either.
Mark: I keep my promises.
Tina: Yeah. Thank you Mark.
Mark: It was my pleasure. I surprisingly slept quite well last night.
Tina: Me too, I have trouble with strange beds as well.
Mark: Oh it isn't that, I'm an insomniac. Though it's ironic I find I sleep better with company.
Tina: Oh... Oh right.
Mark: But thank you. You were um... Good company?
Tina: It's too early in the morning for perverted remarks.
Mark: Sorry. I'll hang fire on them then.
Tina: Good.



Valerie: Oh, you're up early!
Tina: We are?
Valerie: Well when Mark was younger, he'd be in bed until about 11. Unless Terri was staying over too and got him up earlier.
Mark: …
Valerie: Ee sorry, I shouldn't have said-
Mark: It's fine. Well uh, Tina gets me up early too.



Valerie: I was going to ask if you wanted any breakfast but I think your mum and dad are coming to see you.
Mark: They are? Hrmph, maybe I'll go back to bed then...
Valerie: Your auntie Amanda's meant to be coming along too.
Mark: Oh, well then that's much better.
(Front door opens)
Fiona: Hello!
Mark: I'm glad they still just come in without knocking. I was afraid that changed while I've been away.



Fiona: Morning! You're up early.
Mark: So I've been told. What can I say, my girlfriend is good at getting me up at a reasonable hour.
Fiona: Mhmm, seems so.
Tony: We were going to go out for the day, and wondered if you wanted to come along?
Mark: Oh, well, the thing is, I was going to show Tina around a bit. You know, just us, couple time and all that.
Fiona: Oh don't worry about third-wheeling then, we can still go together.
Mark: … Um... Well what do you think, T?
Tina: I...
(Silence)
Tina: … Ok!
Fiona: Excellent!
Mark: … Excellent?
Tina: (Whispers) What was I supposed to say?
Mark: (Whispers) Lie!
Tina: (Whispers) I'm already lying!
Mark: (Whispers) Then CONTINUE lying!
Tina: (Whispers) Oh come now, it won't be so bad.



Amanda: 'Iya! Woah, what you doing up so early, boyo?
Mark: Yes, yes, I'm up early, we've all noticed, we've all commented.
Tony: Ready to go then?
Mark: Sure.



Mark: Aw c'mon, really? Now I have to see the thing in daylight to realise it's even better than I thought last night?
Tony: Yours seems a bit mild like.
Mark: Yeah, well I'm used to driving quicker things with more power on asphalt. I left my off-roading trial days behind me along with you.
Tony: Last I saw, you were driving a BNB Ginerva.
Mark: I've gotten other cars since then!
Tony: Like what?
Mark: Uh, a Sanders Montagno 226, a Meriteer HRSi Twin Turbo...
Tony: You don't still drive like a bell-end do you?
Mark: Hardly. I'm a professional racing driver!
Tony: … You are? I thought you were an actor.
Mark: I've been doing professional racing with my friend Lizzie for like 3, nearly 4 years now.
Tony: … Are you any good?
Mark: Oh, we're only reigning champions of UMC's second most prestigious annual racing festival three times in a row. I even broke the record for the time taken to pass the quality assessment test last year!
Tony: Does she still beat you though?
Mark: I guess you mean Lizzie? Well she has done every year, almost every different festival and event we've done. But this year's festival in August was the first time I held the fastest lap on each night between the two of us. She's had a difficult season, mainly because of the car. She's the best driver I have ever witnessed in my life, no joke, even better than most the pros on TV I bet. And she'd damn well kick YOUR arse a thousand times over, whether we drive our usual car or an Elektra 101.
Tony: What do you usually drive?
Mark: A Smord Blackwood GTSa. I've owned that an awful long time now.
Tony: How can you win races with that? It's got to have a canny weight on it.
Mark: I removed all the wood panelling and replaced it with lightweight fibreglass and plastic ones. Plus I gave it a supercharged 6.0l engine last year which churns out a good 676bhp, last time I dyno'd it.
Tony: Ger' away, you can't handle that much power.
Mark: Says you, Mr I-Won't-Drive-A-Manual-Car-Anymore-'Cause-I'm-Too-Lazy.
Fiona: Hey!
Mark: And let's not start with you, you've only got an automatic license to begin with.
Amanda: Right, come along now, let's go. You three have done enough bickering.
Tony: You should go back to your old Minima GTH. That was about as much power as you can handle.
Mark: Well screw you. You messed up every single gear change in that car when you tried a 0-60 in it.
Tony: You wrecked the gearbox's syncro, that's why!
Mark: Well SOMEONE wouldn't sub me the money for anything better than a second-hand stock clutch from the scrappers. Is it really my fault if damaged parts damage the rest of the car further?
Tony: Yes. Just don't drive like a bell-end.
Mark: No. Just don't give me half-broken shit that barely works.
Amanda: Boys!



Tony: I have to ask, what the HELL is that crap on your tyre cover?
Mark: It's a long story dad, you won't understand. So I won't waste my time.



Mark: … Oh look! An automatic gearbox! Surprise, surprise.
Tony: I noticed yours is the 1.8.
Mark: Yeah, and?
Tony: Well this is the 2.0.
Mark: Nick off! You wouldn't drive a 2.0. You're too tight on the insurance and tax costs.
Tony: I got back some money from PPI last month, so thought I'd treat myself.
Mark: Oh...
Fiona: And I bought myself another horsey with what I got back.
Mark: How many do you have now?
Fiona: Just the three.
Mark: “Just”? You only had one when I last saw you as it is!



So the tour of Neath I was to have with Tina became a hell ride with my parents and my auntie. Well I didn't have so much a problem with my auntie, but my parents... Peter W. Walsh on a boat...



Third-wheeling with my parents was still as traumatising, even though I was now seven years older, had a fake girlfriend and my auntie with me. I feel like all three of us threw up a little in our mouths. I felt sorry for my auntie, as my uncle was stuck working at the airport that day so she didn't have anyone, genuine or otherwise.



I still got to spend some time alone with just Tina on occasion. Which was nice. After yesterday, I felt like we were bonding really well, and I can actually say I was enjoying her company and vice versa. Once upon a time, I couldn't say that about her. Whatever I used to say about her being dull or a drag, I now take back.



I also still managed to goof around with my auntie a bit, and be the Nicky and Jessie of Neath like we used to be. Captain Tam-Tam and Private Felling Was Corporal, meet Captain Sparky and Sergeant Manda-Panda.



I have to be honest, Neath still looked pretty in some places. And a lot of the places brought back memories from my street racing days-the sights I used to race through almost every night after college, unless me and Terri had made alternative plans with each other.



Tina enjoyed the sightseeing too. I'm kind of glad the presence of Mother Hen and Papa Bear didn't ruin the day out for her. After all, the whole point was meant to be me making it up to her for the ordeal she went through the day prior.



There was however, one problem...
Fiona: Get one photo with the new couple?
Mark: Oh, uh, it's ok. Tina, she... Is very conscious of herself when being photographed.
Tina: I am?
Mark: …
Tina: … I mean, I am.
Amanda: No come on, everyone gets photo'd when I'm around. That's part of the deal being a part of this family.
Tina: Oh... Alright then. I guess. I didn't know about this.
Mark: Yeah... I forgot about that.
Thing number fourteen.
Amanda: Come on you two!



Mark: Uh...
Amanda: Well go on!
Mark: You know, I'm not much into P.D.A. And all that...
Fiona: Nick off! We only had to see you and Terri together for about 16 years. And then there was Chrissie too...
Mark: I didn't think you were around at that time!
Amanda: Just get together already.



Amanda: Aw come on, you can do better than that.
Mark: … Tina...
Tina: Um... ?



Mark and Tina: …
Amanda: Bless ya'.
(Camera snaps)
Amanda: Aw now that's just lovely, you two.
Mark: We done?
Amanda: Yeah, go on then.



Mark: Don't do it.
Tina: Don't do what?
Mark: The bridge. The jumping off it. Don't.
Tina: I wasn't thinking of it.
Mark: Oh. Well I am.
Tina: Why?
Mark: … Wait, you're seriously alright?
Tina: Hey, it's all just fun and games, right?




Mark: … I don't like change.



Parents being as they were, I lured them to a Marc Tolley carvery where I got rid of them for good. Not for good as in got them killed, but good enough that they'd not be around until evening by this point. My auntie, she... She disappeared off somewhere as usual, taking photographs of places she sees all the time, just so she could upload to her arcachat profile. She probably found some Love Bud Bears for sale in one of the novelty shops and got lost among the fuzzy toys for about three or seven hours. Gave me and Tina time to chillax and enjoy human company until the evening, when we'd return to the wolves.



So maybe it was less eventful than I anticipated. Not so bad. But don't think I was going to make a tradition of this more often, because I'm not. I can say though that I don't have to rank them as the worst people in the world anymore. I mean there's still Milo, despite him being alright nowadays, and of course Hutchinson... Oh that bastard. And let's not forget Toby, imaginary as he may be.
Fiona: Right, well, I think we'll be getting away now.
Tony: Yeah, best make tracks.
Fiona: …
Mark: …
Tony: …
Tina: …
Fiona: … Well it was nice to see you?
Mark: … Sure.
Fiona: Maybe we'll see you again some time soon.
Mark: Possibly. We'll see when I'm next back in town.
Fiona: …
Tony: Well take care dude. See you when we see you in that case.
Mark: Yep. And stop trying to show me up with superior off-road vehicles next time.
Tony: Possibly. We'll see when you're next back in town, won't we?
Mark: … Touché.
Fiona: And it was nice to meet you too Tina. You take care of him, won't you?
Tina: Yeah... You can count on me.
Tony: Yeah, nice to meet you. And Mark? (Gives a particular look)
Mark: …
Tony: (Laughs)
Fiona: You're a cheeky sod.
Tina: Huh?
Mark: Dad always gives me that weird look when he's about to say something condescending, and that's what pisses me off more than anything in the world.
Tony: I wasn't going to say anything, I just think it's funny winding you up.
Fiona: Oh, before we leave, I have a present for you.
Mark: Bit late to give me it now. I wanted to shoot myself ages ago.
Fiona: Har-har-har. Not that. These.
Mark: Um... What?
Fiona: I don't know if this was the right thing to do, but thought you might've been interested. Anyway...



Tina: What are they?
Mark: … Two tickets.
Tina: For... ?
Mark: Holly Hart's concert tomorrow in Lystow.
Tina: That's Chrissie's stage name, right?... How did your parents get them?
Mark: Who knows. I sense my Auntie Manda may have something to do with it. Her and Chrissie were quite chummy back in the day. Plus my auntie seems to have a lot of contacts for various stuff somehow. Like a mafia connection or something. Too mafia to care I guess. See, now THERE'S a reference that hasn't been used in a while.
Tina: Are you going?
Mark: … I dunno yet. I'll sleep on it.





Same routine as the day before.



Mark: I'll keep in touch Grandma, don't worry.



Mark: …
Tina: …
Mark: …
Tina: … So...
Mark: So... ?
Tina: What are we doing now?
Mark: Well, I'm going to take you home. I've wasted enough of your weekend, so I'll let you get back to something more interesting now.
Tina: … It's already Sunday. The weekend's pretty much over.
Mark: … Oh.
Tina: Don't worry about it.
Mark: Well thank you anyway, for all you've done these past couple days, I appreciate it. You're the best weekend girlfriend I've ever had.
Tina: How many-... Um, nevermind. Don't answer that.
Mark: I haven't had any weekend girlfriends, don't panic. I was just trying to crop up a compliment. If I did have other weekend girlfriends, you'd still be my best.
Tina: Um... Thank you?
Mark: Sure thing.
Tina: … You know, I could stay with you if you like. I've actually had quite a fun time together. Plus, you know... I could handle a concert.
Mark: A Holly Hart concert?
Tina: Sure.
Mark: (Scoffs) I would love to see that, Tin-Tin. I really would. But it's ok... I called in a favour from a friend afar instead.
Tina: Oh...
Mark: Sorry. But hey, I wouldn't mind going to a concert with you sometime, if you were interested.
Tina: Really?
Mark: Of course. After getting to know you better, I'd like to hang out with you a bit more. Do not tell anyone that though.
Tina: My lips are sealed.
Mark: Although that said, people are gonna' be watching this anyway... Oh well.




Tina: I guess this is it for now then.
Mark: Yeah. Well I'll be sure to stop by again soon. I think I want to get out a bit more anyway. Holly always tells me to visit her in Maulinia more so maybe I'll do that.
Tina: Holly... ?
Mark: Oh, other Holly. Blonde Holly, the one I had set for...
Tina: Oh right. Not Holly Hart.
Mark: No, no. Anyway... Be sure to give Steve my regards, whenever you see him.
Tina: Which Steve?
Mark: …
Tina: …
Mark: … Well, it'll only be polite to ask about both.
Tina: Fair enough.
Mark: And what we were saying the other day, about how you and Steve... Wor Stevie I mean...
Tina: Stephen.
Mark: Yeah, that. About you and him... Don't get down over it. Maybe he's just busy. He'll come around. But hey, even if... Even if it isn't so peachy... You'll both be fine as individuals.
Tina: W-W-... ? I...
Mark: Sorry, I didn't mean to sound all casual about it. I just mean, whatever happens, keep your chins up, ok?
Tina: My chins?
Mark: Your chin and Stevie's chin. You only have the one.
Tina: Thank you... for... confirming that for me.
Mark: Well glad to be of service. But don't let things get you down. And if he breaks up with you, come to The Wasteland, and we'll all get you good and drunk in a club. You'll be dancing on tables and whipping off your cardigan before you know it.
Tina: … Has anyone actually ever done that in your group before?
Mark: … Once. She... Outdid herself very well. It was Sarean, what can I say?
Tina: Sarean, huh? A lot seems to happen there.
Mark: Yes. And what happens there, generally stays there too. Except for my mind, certain memories linger in there for eternity. Including the cardigan incident, one among the many. So many cardigan incidents...
Tina: Ok... Well...



Tina: Have a safe trip back. When you go back, that is.
Mark: Of course. But I'm not done here just yet. Far from it.




Terri: Wow... So you're really going?
Mark: How can I not?
Terri: I thought you were over Chrissie now.
Mark: I am.
(Silence)
Mark: I mean... Doesn't mean I want to ignore her. I'd like for her to be able to have a life with me involved again. Like you and me do.
Terri: That's different though.
Mark: No it isn't.
Terri: Mark, you and me have been best friends for over 20 years! I'd be really disappointed if you and I lost that close bond regardless of what else has gone on between us in the past. But Chrissie...
Mark: Was one of my closest and most wonderful friends too, for 7 years. Ok, compare it to you and I, it's totally different. But compare it to your average friendship or relationship, it's some serious shit. Bear in mind also that me and Chrissie were a couple for 6 of them years as well.
Terri: She had a crush on you before you even knew though. You and me were friends first, then we went further.
Mark: Just because Chrissie had a crush on me before I even noticed, doesn't mean we weren't friends first. In fact, she would accept being just friends if I hadn't felt the same way on the day we first got together.
Terri: Ah, the necklace story...
Mark: Yes, the necklace story. But c'mon Tigs, surely you understand how important this is to me.
Terri: How important this is, or how important SHE is?
Mark: … Just not funny. Or fair.
Terri: I'm sorry...
Mark: I'd never lie to you Terri. You know that. You know I love you.
Terri: Huh? Bu-
Sabbie: Aw man! You said that without giving me a cue to record it on mp3?
Mark: Sabbie, privacy please.
Sabbie: Nah.
Mark: I know you know I love you. I also know you love me, but I bet you already knew that I know that you love me.
Sabbie: Woah, ok, head rush from figurin' THAT one out.
Mark: I don't want to lose Chrissie's friendship. You and her are the two people who have always been there for me my whole life... Or at least always been there as long as you've been in my lives respectively. I can't afford to lose her just as much as I can't afford to lose you.
Terri: … I understand. But the problem is how are you going to get to speak to her?
Mark: Backstage.
Terri: And them tickets are V.I.P. I presume?
Mark: … No. But come on, I'm Mark Davison-founder of Moonstone Enterprises and Moonstone Productions, and long term paramour of Holly Hart herself. How can they NOT let me backstage?
Terri: …
Mark: … Yeah you're right it's stupid. But I'm not without a plan.
Sabbie: Oh boy...
Mark: I've recruited some help to get me in.
Terri: Please don't tell me you hired some of your old thug friends from our childhood to muscle their way in.
Sabbie: Aw that'd be AWESOME!
Mark: It would Sabs, it would. But no, more subtle than that. My plus one.



Mark: I entrusted the help of Moonstone's most hopeful. They have all the skills necessary to pull the job off.



Mark: With them, I can't fail.



Terri: Who?
(Car pulls up outside)
Mark: And that's them.



Mark: Yo!



Terri: Sally?
Sally: Hi Terri!
Terri: … You're taking Sally?
Mark: Yeah, I know, she was the best I could get a hold of, sadly.
Terri: You just said she's Moonstone's most hopeful.
Mark: I did?... Sorry, I meant most hopeless. But the girl's gotta' learn somehow.
Terri: Surely she's not so bad.
Mark: Oh no? Watch this.



Mark: Yo.
Sally: Sup?
Mark: Where's your luggage?
Sally: I left it in the taxi.
Mark: Where's your passport?
Sally: I left it at the airport.
Mark: Where's Suki?
Sally: I left her in the UMC.
Mark: Where's your brain?
Sally: … Whoops, sorry.
And you all thought I was the forgetful one?
Mark: Say it.
Sally: I'm a sad excuse of a human being and was probably dropped on my head as a child.
Mark: Close, but not right. That's Nicky's sentence. Say yours.
Sally: … I'm a pointless waste of human existence and it's no wonder I was born in a back alley and adopted by the binmen that found me in the garbage dumpster the next morning.
Mark: That's better.
Sally: Thank you.
Mark: What happened to your hair?
Sally: Huh? Oh, I thought I'd do it up nice for once. You like?
Mark: No I don't like it.
Sally: Aw. Why not?
Mark: Men aren't meant to have long hair.
Sally: But I-... Oh... Right... Of course, I forgot. Sorry. I just thought it'd look pretty.
Mark: You're a Kazi. A Kazi is supposed to be all emo and shit.
Sally: A Kazi's work is never done, apparently...



Terri: Forgive me for speaking out of turn here, but run this plan by me one more time. How are you and Sally going to go about this tonight?
Mark: Simple!

The Only Way Is Neath



Sally: … You really think this is going to work?
Mark: No.
Sally: What?
Mark: It's a stupid idea. In fact, it's so stupid, it's something you would come up with.
Sally: … Thank you?
Mark: I don't see any other way I can do it, if I can do it at all. And so that's why I have no choice.
Sally: I see...
(Car starts slowing down)
Sally: Why are we stopping?
Mark: I just thought...
Sally: What have you forgotten this time?
Mark: Nothing. It's not what I've forgotten, it's what I remember.
Sally: … You've lost me.
Mark: I wish. But no, look.



Sally: What are we looking at?
Mark: Them guys over there.
Sally: What about them?



Sally: Mark?
Mark: I'll be back.




Mark: 'Ere mate, can ya' spare iz some change?
Jack: Nah mate, sorry.
Mark: Um... NAR! Give iz some fuckin' change ya' tight bastard.



Jack: The fuck did you just-... Mark!
Mark: Areet!



Jack: Fuckin' hell... Long time no see buddy.
Mark: Definitely. You haven't changed a bit though.
Jack: Uh yeah I... Can't say the same 'bout you though, Walsh you've changed a lot.
Mark: Yeah, too many times.



Mark: You've not changed neither, Rye. Well 'cept for the jacket bein' gone.
Ryan: Ah it's in the wash, that's why.
Mark: You do the washing now?
Ryan: Nah, wor lass.
Mark: Oh, you've got one then?
Ryan: Well I did. She got a bit radge on me this morning so probably gonna' be breakin' up this week.
Jack: He does this a lot. Every now and again he'll find someone, throws 'em away within a few weeks. Doesn't find anyone else for months on end.
Mark: I think I made a friend in the UMC just like you-Paddy.
Ryan: Oh I heard about him.
Jack: We've actually heard a lot about the stuff you get up to over there. And something about a few trips to Sarean?
Mark: Oh fuck off.



Callum: Sorry to hear about that girl you had. Um, Christie was it?
Jack: Shut up Cal.
Mark: Ah it's cool. That was forever ago anyway man.
Jack: Yeah, he's been with Terri again since then. How is she, anyway? I ran into her a few months back, seemed well.
Mark: She's great, I still come over and visit her quite a lot.
Jack: Ah, explains why you're here.
Ryan: You still banging her?
Mark: … No.
Ryan: Oh shit, I remember now, yeah, sorry.
Mark: It's fine.



Jack: Couldn't help but notice Blondie in your car over there. Cute. She yours?
Mark: Huh? Oh, her. No no. Pff, Walsh. Now that's a thought and a half.
Jack: Oh ok. Nevermind then.



Suzie: More importantly, if you visit Terri so much, what about the rest of the old gang huh? Maybe we'd like to see you more too.
Mark: Aw Suz, you know I would have. But after Kyle got done, I figured you'd have all broke apart. Besides, I didn't feel like we were such a strong group anymore after... Y'know...
Suzie: Yeah...
Callum: Tom?
Suzie: Shut the fuck up, Cal. We didn't have to say it-we all knew what we meant.
Callum: C'mon, doesn't mean we have to avoid saying his name. He'll always be one of us.
Mark: He has a point. Tom was a good guy. One of the best of us.
Suzie: I know... It just upsets me when I think about it. Especially because I was supposed to be with him that night. Keep thinkin' I'd have died as well if I was in that car.
Mark: Don't wish it away Suz. Tom was a good guy, but you're something else. We've kept sort-of together after the incident. I don't think we'd have fared so well if we lost you too.
Suzie: Thanks Mark. That's really sweet.
Mark: So is it just you guys left?
Jack: Hell no. The whole group's with us. Well except for Kyle. Though he's meant to be getting out in a few months.
Suzie: But I've been saying I don't want that dick back in this group anymore. He was a right jerk-off. Worse than Reece.
Mark: Shit, Reece.
Jack: I mean usually it's just us four, Reece and Pip. But we still see the other guys every week or so. Y'know, Paul, Will, Martin, Daniel, Sasha and Sophie. Shit, we even see Juri a lot too.
Mark: Oh man, Juri? I thought he'd moved to live in Taewo.
Jack: He did. Hated it to shit. Came back to us after about eleven months.
Mark: Wow... Oh man, I've got to get back in this. To run with you guys again, would be fucking awesome!
Jack: Few of us have changed much since before you left. I mean, Cal can now see out both his eyes after he got that mess of a mop chopped. Reece doesn't dress like a COMPLETE douchebag anymore.
Suzie: Like an 80% douchebag instead. Still wears that fucking cap.
Mark: Again, I know someone else who has an annoying cap, but doesn't wear it so much.
Ryan: I know we'd all like you back. But, like I said, we also know you've got your responsibilities. The UMC, TV, being popular and everything...
(Silence)
Mark: I'm sure I could always work something out.
Suzie: What do you mean?
Mark: Well... Somehow, I could possibly work it out.
Callum: You mean come back to Neath!?
Ryan: Shut up, Cal.
Callum: You should!
Ryan: I said shut up!
Mark: As I say, I'll see what I can do. No less than running with you guys though, I'd like to see everyone again. Everyone.
Suzie: Except Kyle.
Mark: Except Kyle. Anything Suz wishes. Anyway, listen guys, I have to go, I've got a concert in Lystow I need to make it to.
Jack: Holly Hart, right?
Callum: Ee that's that Christie girl isn't it!?
Ryan and Suzie: Shut up!
Mark: Exactly. It's as if this whole weekend's been a mass reunion of just about everyone I've known in the past 24 years.
Jack, Ryan, Callum and Suzie: 25.
Mark: Damn it. Well, you guys still have my number, lemme know when you all meet up.
Jack: I'll call around, let everyone know you're on the set, no doubt everyone will wanna' see you.
Suzie: Especially Pip. She asks after you a lot, though none of us ever knew anything.
Mark: It's been like six or seven years and she stills asks after me? Must miss me a lot.
Jack: Hey, you were the one who made her feel welcome in the group. After all, she was only around because she's into machinery and shit. Why else would she hang around with guys like us?
(Phone rings)
Jack: Oh, that's me.



Jack: Yo.
Mark: Business phone?
Suzie: Pleasure call.
Mark: Oh...
Suzie: Not that kind of pleasure. But not business neither.
Mark: Good to see he's still the same as always. Fast-talking and suave. The money-maker too.
Suzie: Oh you don't know the half of it.
Mark: I guess I'll find out. Anyway, tell everyone I say hi and I'll see them soon. And let Pip know I'm asking after her too, I hope she's well. I gotta' jet. Toodles.





Reece: Sorry I took so long guys, the hand dryers were shite. What I miss?




Sally: … Sorted?
Mark: Sorted.