episode won: fat marvegans amirite hahahaha

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[size=200]RPM[/size]
Series: 01
Episode: 01
Written by: Luke Enfield
Produced by: Crimson Media
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[warning]AGE RATING: 12+
CONTAINS: STRONG LANGUAGE, ADULT HUMOUR[/warning]




Nathan: On tonight's episode of RPM... an ex-drug addict dances in a diner!



Nathan: And traffic builds up on a road...





(Cheers and applauses)

Nathan: Thank you...! Thank you very much and welcome... to RPM everybody! Now for all you miserable ole' buggers out there you think 'Oh bother... it's just another motoring show, in fact there are so many we'll just not watch them at all and watch animals mate with one another on SPTV2'. Well, don't. In the next couple of weeks you will encounter thorough roadtests, head-to-head battles, incredible challenges and much, much more. If we end up in a little town in Rodherland in a few episode's time it can't be bad, can it? I'm Nathan Radcliff, one of your hosts for this evening and the next few consecutive Wednesday nights. So I hope you don't mind me in your living room for an hour or so... anyway, let's get on with the show!



Nathan: Now, of course, as smug as I am, I wouldn't want to host this show on my own. It could get a bit boring. So I... (mutters)... or better to say the producers, have enlisted the help in the form of some two messrs who I hadn't met until we began filming RPM. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Hans Thunberg and Warren Fox!



(Cheers and applauses)

Warren: Why, thank you everybody!
Hans: Hello beautiful people of Denland!



Nathan: Warren, how are you?
Warren: Marvelous thank you Nathan, you?
Nathan: Ah, I'm great thanks. Please take a seat!
Warren: Certainly!



Hans: Hey Nathan!
Nathan: Hans, mate! Take a seat, how are you?
Hans: Good thanks pal! I'd be delighted too!



Nathan: So, here we are then. Obviously, for all of you who don't know me, I've been a motoring journalist for some time now, I've already appeared on Full Throttle and Sim Gear!



Warren: Ah yes, Sim Gear, the show that appeared to have replaced you for Arthur Nedmonds is that correct?
Hans: I don't think we should bring that up now, Warren. Well, not yet at least.
Warren: I'm just reminding the public. Remember, this is the bit where we introduce ourselfs, capiche?
Hans: Cap what?
Warren: Never mind.



Nathan: Yes Warren, Hans is right, I'd rather not that topic be brought up now or else I'll take you to somewhere in Eastern Seurope and show you what it's like to be shot at dawn.
Warren: (Chuckles) Haha! Fighting talk there!
Nathan: I'm warning you! Now, let's turn our attention to you two oafs then. Hans? I believe you was a ex-rally driver, yes?
Hans: Ex Pro rallying driver, please.
Nathan: Ah well sorry, but I don't recall you being a pro, since your best finish was 6th overall in the standings in 2004.
Hans: Damn it. But...! I was in the Alterran Rally Championship Nathan, if you think of it, it is pretty outstanding. I was the sixth best rally driver in Alterra for a year if you look at it in that perspective.
Nathan: Oh... sixth in Alterra? Never mind then, best of luck next time!
Hans: I'm going to get pissed off with you aren't I?
Nathan: (Chuckles) I'm sorry... pussed?
Warren: Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, I should like to point out before Nathan's ill-mannered temper and buffoonery riddles the studio, that Hans is in fact a Fauch. Meanwhile, Nathan and I are Northerners.
Nathan: I was going to say that, and in a calm temper for that matter...!
Warren: I shall continue from now on!
Hans: WILL YOU BOTH SHUT UP!?

(Studio falls silent, an outburst of crowd laughter follows)



Warren: Hans, it's ok. Calm it! Meanwhile, I'm Warren Fox. And I began my career, on a warm, blue-skied day, on a summer in 1985.
Hans: Oh, this isn't going to take too long is it?
Warren: Shut up... (turns back towards camera and smiles)... and I was a boy with a dream. To be a popstar!
Hans: Oh please...
Warren: I had entered a competition at school weeks before, where my talent was noticed, and I was given a recording contract...
Nathan: Yes to cut an EXTREMELY long story short, Warren was a band member, then he went solo, turned out bisexual, worked on radio, then TV, then he was on Full Throttle.
Hans: To cut an EXTREMELY long story shorter, Warren sang a song.
Nathan: Yes, now lets just watch him in action.
Warren: Wha...? I was just about to get to the best part!
Hans: Explain to the beautiful people at home watching what you did...
Warren: (Tuts)... Ok. Now moving back on to the topic of cars, I so awfully apologize for the incompetence of my fellow co-hosts. Now, this year, Simoviet manufacturer Smoogo have been given a kick up the backside, and they've decided to begin selling cars out of Seurope and the South East, and they've moved towards UMC. Strange, you may wonder. I visited the UFSR to investigate the latest models released in the UFSR, and eventually to see whether a car like a Smoogo would fit in with the urban environment of the UMC. Here's what happened.



Warren: Hello there! You join me on what a Simoviet would call, a 'normal day'. It's snowing, the roads are treacherous, and I'm freezing my bollocks off. At least I've got a brew at my disposal... (drinks tea)... and a bloody good one for that matter too! Hmm!



Warren: And I've been sent out here to review a few of Smoogo's latest models. Both of which actually came out three years ago, to some, they're still considered new. Well, at least here in the UFSR that's what they're considered.



Warren: Here, I'm in the Smoogo Veter. Released in 2009, this was a replacement for the utterly awful Smoogo Minima, of which strangely everybody still drove while it had body parts hanging off left, right and centre. Hopefully, this should have been better, and, miraculously, it was. That's better quality-wise. But how was it to drive? Well, there's only one way to find out... (switches on ignition).



Warren: I'm going to drive it into the town and see what it's like in the urban environment.



Warren: But look at the obstacle we have to overcome! A huge hill! Surely Smoogo have taken into account the UFSR's tricky terrains. HERE WE GO! (Engine spurts loudly)... AGH! I'M HAVING TO SHOUT! LISTEN TO THAT THREE CYLINDER, TWO STROKE ENGINE GROWL! DVIZHENIE! DVIZHENIE! That means 'Move!' in Simoviet by the way!



Warren: Got to get the clutch bite right... got to get it right... must get it right! We're going forward! We're going forward...! We're not going forward, we're not going forward! OH NO!



Warren: Rolling back! Bloody nora, check out the smoke this thing's giving off! I think the engine has exploded...



Warren: After almost losing my life, I switched towards the next of Smoogo's offerings, the Smoogo Artaka. Wow! Look at this interior! Simple, and that's all you need. Look! It even has a working stereo, which is great for me tunes! (Plays Manfred Kalevic on full blast) Dear me, I do like a bit of Beyond Dreams! Oh yes, now, let's see how this copes with the urban environment.



Warren: A smoother ride I've noticed already, much unlike the Veter, the Artaka's double wishbone suspension acting to make the snow feel like driving over a mattress, uhm, an old tough mattress. Nah, that wasn't a very good one... erm, no, the ride isn't that brilliant either.



Warren: Let's see what this is like in the urban environment as apposed to the Veter. And don't worry, if the same is going to happen again, of which we no longer have a Veter because the engine catastrophically exploded and landed all over the road, we're going to take the low road in the Artaka. Not only for health and safety reasons, but so we don't have to pay them any more than what we owe them for repairs. And Smoogo, for the love of the holy plumbbob, spend that money wisely and put a bloody proper engine in it! Two strokes is nothing! Although good job this has four...



Warren: To be honest, what we were doing was pointless. Smoogo could only ever extend their offerings to other countries in order to attain high profits.



Warren: So to find out, I've came to the UMC... which is in Marvega.



Warren: The city of Abbeyway, is in fact where I am. And before giving it a bash, I've came to see a native, to explain to me the sheer and diverse environment of a place such as the UMC, and how such a car will blend in. A job then, that the Artaka shall have to overcome.



Warren: I'd came to see Teddy Harmer, founder of HB5, fellow Marvegan native Teddy was a corrupt businessman after being an excessive drug addict, which lost him his job. But he certainly wasn't corrupt on his car knowledge.
Teddy: Nice to meet you, Warren.
Warren: You too, Teddy. Now, I want to talk to you about the car I have outside here.
Teddy: Oh yeah?
Warren: It's a Smoogo.
Teddy: Oh, I don't think many of us folk a' heard of anythin' like a Smoogo. I for one, have. I were over in Denland in my early days in Jensongham, they were quite a few o'er there I s'pose.



Warren: The car I've brought over is a Smoogo Artaka. Two, in fact.
Teddy: Never heard of it.
Warren: Well, you will now. The Artaka is one of their newest Simoviet models, and now they're willing to extend their range in the UMC.
Teddy: Super! You got it with you?
Warren: Uhm, like I said, yes. I've got the original Artaka and it's UMC counterpart. On the whole, the two didn't look much similar at all. It would seem then, that in the three years since the release of the original Artaka, they've gambled with their money to create something with better build quality. They had ditched the duroplast, and opted for a material called metal, of which before no Simoviet had ever known of.



Warren: Do you then, think that a Smoogo will fit in with the urban environment, the fat men clutching their burgers and the busty women taking a liking to such a car?
Teddy: It depends. It looks quite good actually, nothin' special, but I definately prefer it over the original. Y'know, we cope with a lot of Yomoshoto's and Suzawa's over here, smart economical cars that men in glasses say will save Alterra, and this'll fit in mighty fine with the commuters here. What's the power output?
Warren: The Artaka comes with a 1.6 wankel engine.
Teddy: A wankel? (Chuckles) Thought you wanted a wank then! Haha!
Warren: Uhm, no... it's most definitely a wankel.
Teddy: Hey, it's four stroke. You'd have wished it wasn't less.
Warren: Exactly.



Teddy: So uhm, what's it like to drive?
Warren: I've not driven it yet, but I shall deliver my verdict.
Teddy: You taking me for a ride in it?
Warren: Sure, why not?
Teddy: By the way, what's it like to be on HB5? How's my son, he doing a good job?



Warren: Uhm, that's none of my business really, that only regards the producers...
Teddy: Oh well, what a shame. I would have craved to know.

(Stereo blares out song)

Teddy: Oooh! I love this song! It's Copperhead Grove!
Warren: Oh yes uhm...



Teddy: Ooh good plumbbob my back!
Warren: Are you alright? Do you know what you're doing?
Teddy: 'Course I do.



Teddy: (Dancing) An' a Copperhead Mountain to Copperhead Grove... yeah we head down through Abbeyway... to cho' house, we take your parent's liqour, and climb out and shout on Copperhead Grove, Copperhead Grove!



Warren: (Chuckles) Haha... this the most fun meal I've ever eaten!
Teddy: Too right!
Warren: Gaha! Look at him go! I don't know what that hot dog had in it, but it was a bloody good drug! You used to take them didn't you Teddy?



Warren: Looking at these two then, is like comparing butter and margarine. They're the same, but different. Afterwards, I was to ask members of the UMC public to deliver their verdict on the Artaka's looks. One of the producers had hidden a camera in their tie to record me interviewing randomers of the street. If they knew that I was a TV presenter, they may have felt indimidated by a camera and being on Denevian TV. But not anymore.



Warren: Excuse me there, I'm Peter Marlow, I'm a Smoogo salesman. I was wondering if I could have a few moments of your time for you to deliver your verdict on this car here?
Gillian: Sure, I'm Gillian, but call me Gill if you so wish. Let's take a look.



Warren: I was slightly surprised by the room in the back, it's definitely a must have for Marvegans if they cannot afford a people carrier, but can afford something like a Smoogo.



Warren: Like all Smoogo's, the interior was simple yet effective. It looked multi-functional and confusing at first, but you'd realise even after a few days it wouldn't be anything like that. It was rather bland to be fair.



Warren: So how would it's South Eastern looks act upon Marvega's citizens?



Warren: So, you like it?
Gillian: Very much in fact! The interior is very simple, but nice! The exterior is quite nice too! All round, it has some rough edges, but I like it!
Warren: Wonderful! So if I gave you a test drive in it, and you found the handling and the ride equally as good, would you consider buying it?
Gillian: Definitely!



Warren: Hello, I'm Peter Marlow, UMC Domestic Market Smoogo Salesman, I was wondering if you were prepared to give me a few moments of your time to deliver your verdict on the looks of this car I have here?
Xavier: Sure, I'm Xavier. I'd be delighted too.



Warren: To my surprise, as a matter of fact the Marvegans weren't as bad as I made them out to be. I though they'd be greasy, grubby and fat. But they weren't! And the test was going brilliantly!
Xavier: It's a great looking car, honestly. You've not done a bad job on this one Mr. Salesman!
Warren: Wonderful, and, here's a question for you - if I were to give you a test drive and you found this car equally as good for ride and handling quality as it was for its interior and exterior, would you buy it?
Xavier: It all depends by the price.
Warren: Well, this model, the VD, is §7,200.
Xavier: Oh, now I'm not sure. That is a pretty steep price. Sorry, not what I'm after.
Warren: Well, at least allow me to take you for a test drive.
Xavier: Hmm, ok then!



Warren: They liked it, but did they like how it felt to drive? I took both Gillian and Xavier, although unfortunately Teddy was adamant he joined us too.



Warren: So, you like it now Xavier? How's the room back there?
Xavier: It ain't bad at all, I tell ya'. Now I'm beginning to reconsider, but I still think the price is too much for what this is.
Gillian: I do agree.
Teddy: What's trunk space like?
Warren: Not particuarly big. You see, they've made it more spacious in the back, only to result in the boot being smaller. But fear not! The rear seats will fold down on the press of a button if you wish to fill the car with shopping, that's when the kids are at school and you have space in the back. When you have your kids, and you're out shopping, it's best you buy your shopping and have it delivered within 24 hours.
Gillian: Uhm, sweet.
Xavier: Totally!
Teddy: That's good. But what about you Warren, you like it?
Xavier: Huh, Warren? Who's Warren?
Teddy: The guy driving, dipshit!
Gillian: I'm sorry...?



Warren: Oh yes uhm, well... to be fair, you are on Eucalyptus aren't you, Teddy?
Teddy: I used to be.
Warren: Well it's still a good enough excuse to explain as to why you're calling me Warren and not Peter.
Teddy: Who's Peter?
Warren: ...



Warren: Now, I've got rid of everybody, it's time to see what this thing can really do. I've heard it's got a top speed of just over 100mph, with a power output of 87bhp. And I must say, it certainly wasn't a bad choice. Smoogo sometimes use even smaller engines, but the one they've fitted in here is brilliant.



Warren: And I'll explain why, before we move on to the next test.



Warren: The engine is brilliant. 87bhp is all you need, to be fair. It doesn't have that lack of power that a normal Smoogo would have, and it doesn't have that engine that perhaps maybe is a little too much. You can throw this thing about for ages, and you may well have tears running down your face over the disbelief of how this car is so much better than driving something with a V8 and X number of horsepowers. It just is, I'm staggered. I thought this would be completely awful. Although, regardless of the engine, the considerably softer ride, and the South Eastern looks, it does, have some flaws.



Warren: For instance, it has a five speed manual gearbox, and if you're going to be on the motorway, you can still get 80mph out of it comfortably in fourth gear. And with this useless fifth gear it can add to some confusion. And also, I tried to adjust my seat, it moved back ok, but then when I drove off, it began to click and it moved back, it's not very stable, and that could be a safety hazard. The lights are also a nuisance. The levers of which you would usally turn to allow the headlights to turn out, is in fact a button on the dashboard. No matter what areas Smoogo have touched upon, they've still left some critical errors. Well, I've came to a place called a beach, the place where men like to flex their plastic, while the women are mostly made of it. I'm going to see if the Smoogo gets any sneaky looks from anybody.



Warren: Oh! Get a load of that! I'm birdwatching while the birds are also birdwatching!



Warren: Look at her beautiful lips! They're like two succulent brussel sprouts pressed together! Oh yes, anyway, let's see if she spots our Artaka!



Warren: After half an hour of lounging around and minding other people's business, there wasn't anybody in particular who saw the Artaka and showed their emotions towards it. A test then, that was not in Smoogo's favour. I've just fallen in love with this Lelion! Look at it! Don't you want to just steal it and drive off with it? I would.



Warren: Next, I've came to the shopping mall to do some shopping, and demonstrate as earlier, that a week's worth of shopping would probably fit in the back, providing the rear seats are folded down. This isn't impossible. Let's get to it!



Warren: Ahem, excuse me.
Leo: No can do, sir.
Warren: Please, you're embarrising yourself on television.
Joe: Nah, we know you haven't really came here to shop, have you, hairy biker?
Warren: I'm not a biker, I'm Warren Fox, and I'm a motoring journalist as a matter of fact.
Joe: Word is out that you are challenging us to a duel.
Warren: I'm sorry?
Leo: You're gonna' drive your little pokey car from under our fingertips, 'cos we're gonna' have you!



Warren: It turned out as I had arrived, the producers had arranged something different. It was a set up. Leo and Joe were both yobs, or better to say UMC freestyle shooting champions, had arranged a little challenge. I was going to enter the shopping mall, and escape out of the other end to discover how many hits I'd taken from the yobs. As this was on HB5, we'd no permission to use real bullets, and even if they did, they're experts, I wouldn't get shot... I think at least.
Leo: You ready?
Warren: Readier than I'll ever be!
Joe: Alright, let's get to it!
Leo: Come on, let's get into position!



Warren: And they were real guns. Even though I knew I was safe, there were still nerves. Despite some little flaws, I knew that the quick sharp response of the steering and it's little wonder of an engine would get me out of the mall with time to spare.



Warren: Wish me luck viewers at home! I'm going to need it!



Warren: Alright then, we're in. LET'S GO!!!



(Gunshots)

Warren: AGH! A YOB, THERE!
Leo: Oh come on stupid piece of sh...



Warren: The restaurant... not a problem. Some chairs, they'll get out my way. But oh no, there'a yob there!

(Gunshots)

Joe: COME ON!!!



Warren: Going for the jump... wicked!

(Gunshots)

Warren: I should like to point out that now it's evident, that this is a very good little car. Very nippy indeed, the yobs don't stand a chance!



(Gunshots)

Joe: He can't get out now! (Sniggers) Haha!
Leo: Too right Joe!
Warren: Oh, ok. The yobs are there. All I have to do is simply twist the wheel with one hand... it's just so light, and I'll swerve into whatever that room is. Look at it! This thing is like a children's toy. That's how well you can toss it around.



Warren: It turned out I'd took the wrong turn, and ended up on a roller rink. This was costly. Out of the way! I'm being chased by spotty teenagers and Colby Series 5 guns! AGH!
Skater: Woah! Is he crazy!?
Warren: Shut up! You're the only crazy one here you short-haired fat Marvegan bafoon! COME ON SMOOGO!



(Gunshots)

Leo: Keep shootin'. We almost got him!
Joe: Aim for the tyres!
Leo: Alright, alright!
Joe: Wait...
Leo: What?
Joe: He's coming our way!
Leo: Too right, he's heading fast!
Joe: Run for your life!



Leo: He's mad!



(SMASH!)

Warren: Awwh BUGGER!



warren: Viewers, that was entirely my fault. Not the Smoogo's. Damn, at least I got out, that's one thing.



Warren: Indeed, I did! But I made a mess of this place though. Anyway...



Warren: Overall, it seems that we've got a pass for the Smoogo. It's South-Eastern inspired looks caught the public's eye, the handling and ride is excellent, the engine is a good choice, despite some flaws with the interior, it's positioning and the health and safety hazards. The boot size is reasonable too.



Warren: We came here to figure out one thing, was Smoogo right for heading into the Marvegan market? I and many other people had doubts about that, but it seemed to have payed off. It was certainly a good decision, and for once in this modern age of Smoogo, things are looking to be going in the right direction. And that ladies and gentlemen, is that.



(Audience applauses)

Warren: Thank you! Thank you very much!
Nathan: Hang on... wait a moment! Come on, stop! Let me speak!
Warren: Don't listen to him!

(Audience cheers louder)

Nathan: Oh holy plumbbob...
Warren: (Sniggers) Haha!



Nathan: Thank you for being quiet... dear me. Anyway! As I was trying to say before I was rudely interrupted by this audience, are you seriously saying that Smoogo is not a good car, but a GREAT car!? I mean...

(Barking)

Nathan: What was that?



Nathan: Oh hang on, look who's joined us, it's RPM dog everyone!

(Crowd cheers)

RPM Dog: (Barks)
Nathan: Hans, Warren, everybody at home. I would like to introduce you to RPM dog! Oh but Hans, please take him away for now, he's interrupting our conversation.



Hans: Oh, alright then. Here, boy... here boy! That's a good boy... yes that's a good boy!
RPM Dog: (Barks continously)



Nathan: So Warren, as I was saying... the Smoogo then. You really found it that good?
Warren: Like I had said in the film, it had its drawbacks, but overall, it was a pretty good car.
Nathan: But anybody can put a small engine in a small car and it'll be bloody fun to drive! What was so special about it that could make it more better than something like, erm... I don't know, a Wolfsburgh Fox?
Warren: I never said it was the best small car I've ever driven or anything on those terms. But I did what I had to do, it was a good car. What if they had put a smaller engine in it, hey? It would have been too sluggish and dull to drive, but that wasn't the case with the Artaka.
Nathan: And you haven't said whether it felt any different at all to the original Artaka or the Veter?
Warren: Oh, very different. This is definitely something Smoogo should have done a long time ago.
Nathan: I'm lead to recall that this car is rather expensive though.
Warren: Yes, unfortunately. It's good, but I'm not sure sales will go through the roof. It could sell well, we'll have to see, but since not many people have heard of Smoogo over in the UMC, despite the Artaka's better build quality, it may not be as good as Smoogo set it out to be.
Nathan: So you've just said to us all, that the UMC Domestic Market Smoogo Artaka is a good car, and it's a sale that Smoogo should have done a long time ago, but yet nobody has heard of such a brand and so it will be a complete and utter flop, yes?
Warren: You saw it, Xavier and Gillian liked its handling. If it gets enough publicity, it may well be a success over there.
Nathan: But they may not have the money to do that, no mind about making the car in the first place. They must have had to dig deep, surely?
Warren: Oh shut up, you just don't have any faith in Smoogo.
Nathan: No, I don't. It's just the worst excuse for a car brand ever, and it always will be. As I'm trying to tell you, it will be a complete and utter flop.
Warren: We'll see in the coming weeks.

(Barking)

Nathan: Oh here he kicks off again...
Warren: Who?
Nathan: RPM Dog.
Warren: Ah, I like him. He's a Golden Retriever yes?
Nathan: Yes.
Warren: What's his name then?
Nathan: ...RPM Dog?
Warren: Oh, well you can't have that for a name can you, surely?
Nathan: Whatever, at least it's better than Full Throttle dog, hey?
Warren: Oh, don't start on him...
Nathan: Oh yes, the dog that so happened to allegedly burst into flames after you knocked a cup of coffee over the TV, which resulted in setting the whole studio on fire, no? That being one of the reasons why the show was axed in 2008...

(Audience laughs)

Warren: (Sighs)
Hans: NO! RPM DOG! NOOO!
Nathan: What's wrong?



Hans: DON'T HEAD FOR THE CAMERAMAN!
Cameraman: Agh! Not my trousers!
Nathan: Oh no!

(Audience laughs)

Hans: Please, somebody stop him! It's my turn to introduce the next segment, and I can't do it handling a dog!
RPM Dog: (Barks vigorously)



Hans: Ah, at last. RPM Dog is gone and it's time to introduce the next segment! Now while Warren was dodging bullets in Marvega, Nathan and I were thinking, if there were a huge rivalry you were to share if asked, you would say East and West Sarbodia, or Arthur Nedmonds and Nathan Radcliff for instance...
Nathan: HANS!!!

(Audience laughs)

Hans: But what, is in fact, the hugest rivalry... in the motoring world? Nathan and I met up at the studio... to find out!



Nathan: Hello! And you join me today at the studio, and yes, this is probably the first time you've been the clostest to its exterior. Anyway, today I've brought with me this... the Dover Meriteer HRSi! Yep, that's what it is. It is the ultimate car! Rod Barker had one of these, of which he 'effed and blinded at the wheel like no tomorrow! Not because it was a bad car or anything like that, oh no, but because he urged it to catch the hotshot he was chasing!



Nathan: This, with it's 295bhp V6 engine, and its top speed of 155mph will surely whoop, whatever car it has to overcome! Especially whatever Hans arrives in! It's unbeatable! It has a top speed of 155mph, which is still extremely fast regarding today's standards. Don't turn over the channel and watch Sim Brother folks, because you're in for a treat. Haha!



Hans: Behold, in my magnificence!
Nathan: Haha! Oh, no actually... ooh hoo that's not actually a bad choice! ...Damn. I could have made a better decision. Damn you Hans.



Nathan: Here he comes, let's be smug.
Hans: Wait and see Nathan bask in the excellence of this beast!



Hans: Good morning.
Nathan: Ah, hello there Hans! How are you on this fine morning?
Hans: Not bad thanks, you?
Nathan: Yeah, I'm good. I see you've brought a...



Hans: A Sanders & Montargute Baron P-Line is what I've brough to you this morning!
Nathan: Yes it is, but...
Hans: But what?
Nathan: Don't you think it's a bit better than what I've brought?
Hans: Well, yes. That was the whole idea.
Nathan: No, well. It's much more powerful.
Hans: Indeed, since you've only brought a HRS.
Nathan: It's a HRSi... oh damn it. Yes, you're right.
Hans: You've been lying to our beautiful people watching at home? That it's a HRS? (Sniggers) Haha! It's no way near as good as this thing!
Nathan: Look, I looked everywhere, I couldn't find a HRSi.
Hans: Since what? You couldn't be bothered?
Nathan: No, they're pretty rare nowadays.
Hans: Rubbish.
Nathan: It's true! Rod Barker had one! That's how rare it is!
Hans: It's rare and yet for the next series of Evil Born Evil the main character drives a Heaveola Conventa, which oh... I think was the best selling car in Seurope?
Nathan: Well...
Hans: Nathan, it's not a huge problem. The HRS still has what?
Nathan: 229bhp.
Hans: Exactly, only 66 less than the HRSi. Although, while as that has 229, I've got 310!
Nathan: Oh plumbbob...
Hans: (Smiles) How about that!?



Nathans: What is your top speed?
Hans: 171mph.
Nathan: And that's good, apart from the fact that when you reach those speeds you'll only have a steering wheel, a chassis and four wheels remaining. The rest would have disintegrated due to its poor build quality.
Hans: Hey now! The quality was not that bad! And you see when we get it onto private land, it's full of beans. The handling... is simply excellent.
Nathan: Really?
Hans: Yep! As a matter of fact... it won the Alterran Rally Championships in uh... oh I can't remember the year.
Nathan: 1986.
Hans: Yes, that. And no, Sanders boffins were working day and night into the research and development side of things for this car, and it was substantially better equiped and much better built than the likes of the Almira and the Irfan.
Nathan: You've got the 'coveted' later version have you? With the 3.7 V8?
Hans: Yes I have, and you have what?
Nathan: (Mumbles) A 3.2 V6...
Hans: A what?
Nathan: A 3.2 V6!
Hans: (Chuckles) Haha!
Nathan: If you think of it though, we haven't thought this through properly, have we?
Hans: Well, you haven't, I have!
Nathan: You've nearly got 100bhp more! If I'd have found a HRSi, and you spotted the earlier V6 model of the P-Line with 280bhp, then we would have had a real match on our hands.
Hans: Yes, I do agree. But, whatever car we brought, they'd still roughly be the same. I may have the upper hand on you with performance, but handling and build quality, that's a different story altogther.
Nathan: Certainly so, Hans. So now we must find out, what these two can do on the open road!
Hans: Let's hit it!



Nathan: We set off to find a place where we could find out... just which of these cars was the best, and the competition to get there first had started happening already.
Hans: Look at the speed! THE SPEEEED!
Nathan: Wow, still, with only 229bhp, the getaway from launch of the Merry isn't at all that bad!



Hans: Nathan!
Nathan: Yes, Hans?
Hans: How about turning right? There may be an old abandoned private area there.
Nathan: Alright then, let's check it out.

(Hans accelerates)

Hans: WOAH! HAHA!
Nathan: Oh dear... I love the Meriteer but I most certainly regret choosing this particular Meriteer.



Hans: Here we are... watch this. I bet I can take a huge drift at a very high speed round here... we have all this space!
Nathan: Selford most certainly has some surprises up it's sleeve... like this wonderful abandoned private land! And, I'm sensing that Hans is going to let out a huge powerslide! I may well join him just to see whether this old girl has still got it in her! Come on Mer!



(Tryes screeching)

Hans: And another championship winning drift entry from Hans in the Sanders! Woah, that felt good!



Nathan: Oh yeah! Not only has she still got it in her, but I have too! Arthur Nedmonds, if you're watching, I can drift, and you can't! Bad luck! (Sniggers) Haha... this is just a brilliant car, even if I only have the power of a horsebox!



Nathan: That Sanders is right up my trumpet! Going to step on it!
Hans: Out of the way, Detective Inspector! Bitch Lowry is right on your heels!



Hans: After wasting three sets of Sanders' tyres, two sets of Dover's, and a packet of Nathan's pork scratchins later, we stopped for a short while.
Nathan: Phew, I am actually exhausted. Driving sidewards everywhere has made me dizzy, and it's quite hard.
Hans: Especially with the power you have to tackle going through the corner.
Nathan: Definitely.



Nathan: If we're going to do anymore driving today, it should be done in a straight line...
Hans: Actually, you're right. That's given me an idea.
Nathan: What?
Hans: You know what I'm thinking...
Nathan: Are you insisting we do a drag race?
Hans: Yes, why not?
Nathan: Hans! It's obvious the Baron will vomit in the Meriteer's face, it's a pointless exercise!
Hans: Come on, we'll swap cars, and I'll see what I can get out of the Meriteer.
Nathan: Are you insisting I'm a bad driver?
Hans: No!
Nathan: You are!
Hans: I'm just giving you a chance to experience the Baron, and to regret the mistake you made in the first place, and I want to drive the Meriteer too, I haven't driven that thing in years.
Nathan: Fair play.
Hans: Ok, let's go!
Nathan: Sure.



(Engines revving)

Hans: Hmm, this should be good. It may be close, with my excellent driving. Or better to say Nathan's idiotic driving style will cost him.
Nathan: Get ready to lose Hans, you've made a massive mistake letting me in the Baron, I'll still win, just you watch!

3...



(Exhaust spits while car revs vigorously)

Hans: Waiting for the start of the race feels as long as a weekend at your stepmother's house...

2...



(Exhaust spits while car revs vigorously)

Nathan: I'm going to whoop his arse! Come on baby!

1...



Nathan: Here we go!
Hans: Yes, I've got the Sanders!
Nathan: Oh no, he's actually made a good start...
Hans: Haha haha! I was right, swapping drivers makes no difference! Bask in my glory, Nathan!
Nathan: Just because he's ahead doesn't mean he's won...



Nathan: Haha! You see!? I'm beginning to close in very quickly!
Hans: Back off, Nathan! This is my win!



(Metal screeching)

Hans: What's that?
Nathan: Haha, take that!
Hans: NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SANDERS!?
Nathan: Good job the Meriteer has no wing mirrors, so you won't find any blue pieces of Dover on these closed roads! But you will find many green Sanders' parts! Huhu!
Hans: That complete and utter nutjob! I'll show him!



Nathan: YES! YES! I'm taking the lead now! Goodbye, Hans! Haha!
Hans: I'm fuming with him... that bloody bas...



Nathan: YES! I WON!
Hans: Gah. He disgusts me!



Nathan: After my brilliant victory, my friend was deeply concerned as to why I won.
Hans: I literally may just have to kill him...!



Hans: If this is what he calls 'victory', then he's got a lot coming!



Hans: Right you! Start talking, NOW!
Nathan: What's your problem?
Hans: Why? Why did you have to wreck my Sanders?
Nathan: Uhm... I got distracted and careered off into your side of the road...
Hans: Really?
Nathan: Well... yes.
Hans: Whatever, Nathan. That's the worst excuse for a win I could have ever imagined! You're a complete and utter idiot, you know that?
Nathan: The point is, I still won, and who said there were any rules?
Hans: Well...
Nathan: And the thing is, at least I regret choosing the HRS now, if only I could turn back time I would have fought the tooth to the nail to get hold of a HRSi.
Hans: I suppose we can both accept defeat. But face it, if I won driving the Baron, I would have won by a mile, and not two meters.
Nathan: Whatever.



Hans: Hey well, good job we can at least agree on something.
Nathan: True.
Hans: My impressions of you are that you're a complete idiot.
Nathan: The same for you.
Hans: You're loud, you think everything will be made better by shouting, you don't think before you do anything, do you? That road felt longer than it looked, surely you would have had enough time to think 'Oh, I think I won't smash into the Meriteer, it may upset Hans and it won't be a perfect victory for me, but only an idiotic one'.
Nathan: There was no rules! And you're just some bloke who I can't understand! Go back to Karetia!
Hans: It's Rodherland actually, and I'd rather not. Not now, at least. Denevian people are too beautiful to be left.
Nathan: Never mind.



Hans: You regret borrowing that Meriteer don't you?
Nathan: Yes.
Hans: Well, I must be honest, I regret choosing the Baron, too.
Nathan: What, why?
Hans: Because there's an even better alternative.
Nathan: Is there?
Hans: You'll know what I mean when you see it...
Nathan: Ok then...



Hans: Follow me, and you will see my friend.



Nathan: Oh, I see what you mean now.
Hans: You do?
Nathan: (Laughs) Haha... yep. We definitely both made mistakes.
Hans: Too right.







Nathan: It's a Smord Blackwood Mk3 GTSa.
Hans: Exactly.
Nathan: But hang on... we couldn't have had this anyway, only the GTS is road legal, this is illegal to be driven on the roads. It's a rally-bred racing car!
Hans: And that, is where we made a mistake, but we couldn't have fixed that mistake neither. This, would be the ultimate road car, if it could go over speed bumps and they removed those slick tyres.
Nathan: I suppose Smord is to blame then...
Hans: But with a fantastic car like this, you simply cannot blame them.



Nathan: This just simply defies the odds.
Hans: Exactly!
Nathan: The power, is just phenomenal. Forgive me if I'm wrong but I believe this is supercar territory.
Hans: Oh yes, most definitely. It's a fantastic car, and I'm destined to give it a test drive.
Nathan: We can't.
Hans: It's a closed road, we have the government's permission, it's on television, what could possibly go wrong?
Nathan: Don't say that, you may live to regret it!
Hans: Sod it! The keys are in the ignition, let's say you drive first.
Nathan: Alright then!



Hans: Ok, give it the beans Nathan!
Nathan: The buns? (Chuckles) Haha, what?
Hans: Haha, just step on it!
Nathan: Alright.

(Car accelerates)

Hans: WOAH! WOAH!
Nathan: This is stupendously quick. Literally.
Hans: It's just so fast. And it's from 1973.
Nathan: Although this is about 10 years older than both the fantastic Dover Meriteer and the Sanders Baron, this just feels 10 years more technically developed. Smord had definitely done a marvelous job on this car.
Hans: The Blackwood on its own is just a superb car.
Nathan: It goes to show that the late Ebenezer Smord was a mastermind, how his intelligence can carry on 20 years later in order to deliver something like this, with the help of the also great late Zeno Reno.
Hans: Most definitely.
Nathan: The Blackwood is probably one of the all-time greats.
Hans: Indeed.
Nathan: Clive Henderson had one, Henry Smart drives one...
Hans: My grandfather drove one...
Nathan: Even footballers of the 1970's drove these.
Hans: Racing drivers included.
Nathan: I think more or less everybody with a bit of cash in their back pocket had one of these.



Nathan: Oh, it seems this road isn't closed anymore.
Hans: It looks like someone with a beady eye saw us driving an illegal car!
Nathan: You see all these commuters here in their new Landwhales and Yomoshotos and you just want to say to them...'Are you mad?'
Hans: Yeah...
Nathan: Why do you need a new car when you can have something equally as good for a fraction of its price? As much good as a Montgomery is, I'd much prefer this.
Hans: Montgomery's are mostly for children who know how to work all the buttons, these are for real car fanatics.
Nathan: My thought's exactly.
Hans: So, let's go through the numbers.
Nathan: Well, I believe this has a 4.2 supercharged V8?
Hans: (Sighs) So much power...
Nathan: It's just staggering. A D-segment car that totally outclasses the Baron and the Meriteer this is. I mean those two had great rivalry, but they never actually took or adopted anything similar from this, did they?
Hans: Sanders chose a V8 for the P-Line.
Nathan: Not a V8 as good as this though... oh no.



Hans: You know, I'm saddened. We never saw this car on our roads, and probably, we never will.
Nathan: You see, I'm not sure. With Smord celebrating the Blackwood Mk3's 40th birthday next year, this car is aging very much, and with the way traffic laws are changing, I doubt now they're going to bust you for driving this on the roads of Denland.
Hans: Exactly. Hold on though, 39 years old? That's older than me!
Nathan: How time flies.
Hans: Of course you would have been 39 when this car came out, which makes you... 83 now?
Nathan: Shut up! I'm not that old, Warren is older.
Hans: (Chuckles) Haha!



Nathan: Well, it's been some drive. You know, driving something illegal like this on a Denevian road is weird. It's like claiming disability benefits and then entering a theme park and having a whale of a time! It's just doing something you can do, but you're not aloud too.
Hans: Sounds like a story I've heard of before...
Nathan: (Weazy laugh) Gaha! Most certainly. Anyway, I believe you said you wanted to give this car a bash?
Hans: Sure, please.
Nathan: Alright, we'll swap over, and then we'll decide where we go next.
Hans: There's a motorway when you turn left.
Nathan: Oh yeah?
Hans: We can at least get 80 out of this thing on there... maybe even a sneaky 90 if nobody's around.
Nathan: You know you've just said that on television?
Hans: Oh, never mind.



Nathan: So, motorway it is then?
Hans: Oh sure Nathan, motorway it most definitely is!



(Cheers and applauses from crowd)

Nathan: Thank you, thank you very much!
Hans: Indeed! The Smord Blackwood Mk3 GTSa there! Look at it, it's just sublime.



Nathan: So, there we are then. Hans and I went out downtown, we didn't have to leave the country, and yet we still proved a point, unlike you Warren.
Warren: Hang on, before I rant, I'd just like to say, great film by the way... but I did prove a point!
Nathan: No, you didn't. Smoogo is a farce.
Warren: No it isn't!

(Crowd laughs)

Hans: Chaps, quiet! Yes, although we chose both the Dover Meriteer Mk2 HLS and the Sanders Baron P-Line to face one another, we both regreted that choice even though we couldn't have had a GTSa anyway.
Nathan: I would have most certainly drove around Alterra and back in a dreadful Smoogo Artaka in order to own that Blackie for a day...
Warren: (Sighs)

(Crowd laughs)

Nathan: Oh I'm sorry Warren, did I upset you again over your completely pointless film? What possesed us to let you kick off the series in Marvega in which you proved nothing but just ruined a shopping mall and claimed a pokey little Semoonistical car was good to drive?
Warren: If you don't believe me, go drive it for yourself. You'll discover that you're wrong Mr. Radcliff.
Nathan: Ok, how about we do a little bet? Say I drive the Artaka and I like it, I give you 5 goldvessel. If I don't, you give me 5 of your goldvessels.
Warren: Alright, that seems fair.
Nathan: Ok? A 5 goldvessel bet, on TV?
Warren: 5 goldvessel.
Nathan: And we will show, just how I got on, in the next episode. And well, today's been a brilliant episode, apart from Warren's film of course which we so much apologize for him for wasting your evening, please tune in next week since we're all together in one film for the first time, still on the topic of Semoonistical cars, but facing a series of challenges.
Warren: (Sighs)



Nathan: Thank you very much for watching everybody, we hope to see you next week, for more RPM! Goodbye!