Afternoon 004 - Apocalypse Special (Part 2)

Jessie: Nicky, snacks.
Nicky: Check.
Jessie: Some yoghurt please.
Nicky: Yes Captain!
Jessie: And jam!
Nicky: Affirmative!
Jessie: You can have whatever else.
Nicky: The tinned salmon!
Jessie: Except that.
Nicky: Aw okay. The pickles!
Jessie: Good. I hate pickles.
Howie: You guys sound quite well off for supplies.
Jessie: Of course! Professional supply ransacking strategy #52 never fails!
Howie: Oh, of course. Yeah, that #52. Much better than #51, right?
Nicky: Well of course, because #51 isn't a real strategy any more!
Howie: Huh?
Jessie: It seems that you cannot use meat from a bloodlust hound to distract other bloodlust hounds from their den.
Nicky: I lost an arm for that one.
Jessie: Not as bad as #47 though. Or #28.
Nicky: (Shudders) #28...
Howie: #28?
Jessie: … I can't remember what happened in #28.
Nicky: Me neither. But it wasn't good. I lost the other arm for that one.
Howie: It was that traumatising, that you've forgotten?
Jessie: Yes.
Nicky: Using your sole arrow to take out a large drug-ring leader and hoping to disband the rest of the fleet doesn't work. It seems only big explosions and intimidating plays can do that.
Jessie: So we were captured.
Nicky: No other means of defense.
Jessie: Nicky was burnt on a fire.
Nicky: Yeah...
Jessie: And I... I can't remember. I just can't. I think I cried at the sight of it.
Mark: Oh fuck. THAT was what that was about that night?
Jessie: You remember?
Mark: Of course I remember, I was playing with you on that session. Shit...
Nicky: WHERE WERE YOU TO SAVE US THEN!?
Mark: I think I recall, NICKY, that you set me up to sell me off to some labour camp and they had me gagged up in a truck. Took me ages to figure out how you can escape that setup. I managed, but it was far too late to save you by that time. So you can shut the fuck up if you're gonna' put what happened to Jess on MY hands.
Nicky: What about ME?
Mark: I couldn't have given a toss. It was Jessie I sworn to protect, and thanks to YOU, that happened to her.
Jessie: WHAT happened to me?
Mark: Forget it Jessie. It wasn't nice.
Sally: Oh, “that”?
Mark: Yeah.
Sally: Yeah, they took that out of the game after controversy. Even if it was a fade-to-black with metaphoric text afterwards.
Mark: Thank fuck for that.
Jessie: Pleeeaaaase Marky, tell me.
Mark: I'm sorry sweetie pie, I really can't.
Jessie: Tell me!
Mark: I can't!
Jessie: TELL ME!
Mark: I CAN'T!
Jessie: If you love me, you'll tell me!
Mark: Who's been teaching you to use the if-you-love-me tactic!?
Maria: (Scoffs)
Mark: Curse you, woman. Look, Jess, because I love you is the exact reason why I can't tell you. Trust me, you really are best off letting it go. It was all Nicky's fault, that's all you need to know.
Nicky: What!?
Jessie: Nicky, we are not sharing the soufflé together any more.
Nicky: Awww!
Floyd: Hey, where'd all this food come from? Where's my share? I'm still entitled to my fleet rank share, right?
Jessie: If there's any left when you get here.
Floyd: Paddy! Drive faster!
Paddy: You shut the fuck up! I'm doing the best I can, and it's still a long way anyway.
Helen: Did you guys find another car already?
Paddy: Wasn't the best case scenario, but we found an old Rosalie.
Helen: Must be tight fitting for Floyd then.
James: Yeah but we don't care about him right now.
Jessie: Our deal-!
Paddy: Our deal is that we bring him to you alive, there was no comment on what condition he'd be in. And we still want something in return for all this trouble, plus interest for the extra damage we sustained-car and survivor.
Jessie: … Some chocolate fudge cake?
Paddy: Not enough.
Jessie: … And some orange juice?
James: Not enough.
Jessie: … Plus... some tarts AND éclairs.
Paddy and James: Not enough.
Jessie: Well then that's all you're getting! I think that's a pretty generous deal you're getting. Especially as we can't be held responsible for the things our soldier has done when in your company. We weren't in supervision, he wasn't under our management, we had nothing to do with him! These compliments I was offering you were purely out of my loving heart and generosity.
Paddy: We'll renegotiate when we meet. James, I'm gonna' message you in the in-game chat now.
James: Okay.
Nicky: Why would you do that?
Paddy: Because I'm telling him something I don't want anyone else to know.
Nicky: Well fine, me and Jessie can do that too!
Paddy: Fine!
Nicky: Fine!
James: Fine!
Jessie: Fine!
Floyd: Fine!
Paddy: Whose side are you even on Floyd? Shut up, you're not a part of either chat!
Floyd: … Fine!
Arnold: Fine!
Paddy: You stay out of this too, it isn't your business.
Mark and Bruno: Fine!
Harry: … Fine.
(Silence)
Jamie: They're going to slaughter each other.
Neil: I know.
Alex: I can't wait.
Mark: Whatever you do, make sure you're still alive at the end Jess. The others can all die but not you.
Nicky: WHAT!?
James: Why would you SAY that!?
Floyd: That was MEAN!
Paddy: Gee, thanks...
Mark: You're all welcome.
Jessie: At least I have support. We'll be ready for you anyway, Paddy.
Paddy: Likewise... JESSICA.
(Jessie, Mark, Nicky and Floyd gasp in respective order, followed by a pause and Mark gasps for an unnecessary second time for effect)
Jessie: You did not just call me that.
Paddy: I didn't realise you didn't like being called Jessica.
Jessie: … Well I don't mind it really, but I could tell you called me that to deliberately try and annoy me. And it's the intention I don't appreciate!
Paddy: I don't appreciate all that your little disabled friend here has done for us. So that makes us even. Or at least it should. I guess we'll soon find out how even we are exactly.
Jessie: He's not disabled! He's just-
Mark: Sorry Jess, but point to make – he just is. Paddy's correct.
Jessie: But he's our brother...
Mark: No brother of mine. And for reasons you're too young to understand, you're not my sister either. This isn't one of those animes.
Jessie: I don't understand.
Paddy: It's for the best it stays that way.

Chapter IV: Double Trouble



Neil: How are the grown-ups doing?
Floyd: Surviving.
Neil: You aren't a grown-up.
Mark: Sober.
Neil: Neither are you.
Arnold: Better than you're doing.
Neil: Again, you aren't a grown-up either.
Paddy: Who the hell is a grown-up to you then!?
Neil: Myself, Helen, Howie, Jamie, Bruno, Julie who's dead...
Julie: Yeah...
Neil: Miriam, Gwen, Kendra, Lindsay, Maria, Terri, Kennedy-
Alex: Woah woah woah! Ken is no grown-up, he's a pussy.
Neil: He's mature enough. And has the right idea for surviving. Or at least so I hope.
Kennedy: I do? I... Didn't really have a plan.
Neil: You have some logic.
Arnold: So you're saying those are the boring lot.
Helen: Hey!
Arnold: Sorry, but, that's what he's implying.
Mark: We can imply our own things, Arnie.
Arnold: Like what?
Mark: Um... Well we'll think of something.
Neil: A brilliant leader.
Mark: I am!
Neil: Not now you aren't.
Mark: Screw you!
Jamie: We're good, Neil.
Maria: Peachy.
Lindsay: Kick-ass awesome.
Kendra: A-ok.
Terri: Fiiine.
Harry: We get it, everyone's okay.
Karen: Um, I'm not.
Miri: Me neither.
Alex: S'up, Miri?
Karen: Oh great, thanks for your concern.
Alex: But we know where you are!... Sort of. Anyway, Miri, what's happenin'?
Miri: I get a bad feeling I'm being followed by someone... Something.
Sally and Suki: Deer.
Miri: I'm sorry?
Karen: At least you can see where you are.
Suki: Herd of deer stalking you? That can happen. Be ready to move when they stampede. Hope you have a car otherwise that could be it for you.
Miri: Great.
Sally: You don't even have a car?
Miri: I had one! Ran out of fuel, so I ditched it rather than look for more fuel.
Paddy: Bad move.
Miri: Shut up, you can't tell me about making bad moves after you claimed a life.
Floyd: Oh snap!
Paddy: You shut up too Floyd, if it wasn't for you, none of earlier would've happened.
Floyd: Why's it always my fault?
Paddy: It just is.
Floyd: Okay.
Arnold: Miri?... Miri!
Miri: Arnold?... Arnold! Is that you? You're a... Zombie...
Arnold: Huh? No no no, that's not me. Behind you.
Miri: … Oh! Hi there. You're quite sneaky.
Arnold: Not really. You just weren't paying attention.
Sabbie: Wow...
Miri: What?
Sabbie: You two. You guys.
Arnold: What!?
Sabbie: Neither of you are paying attention.
Miri: What's that meant to mean?
Sally and Suki: The deer?
Sabbie: There IS no deer! I AM the deer!
Arnold: … Sabbie, you've lost me now.
Sabbie: TA-DA!
Miri: Ah fuck!
Sabbie: Wait wait wait! C'mon now, don't get all reflexive on me if you don't know how to handle them moves of yours.
Arnold: Sabbie?
Sabbie: Yo!
Miri: How long have you been spying on us?
Sabbie: Oh, you know, not long. A couple hours? Hold on, I'll check the logbook...
Suki: Wow. A pro player I see. You're using a logbook?
Sabbie: Yup!
Miri: What's so great about that?
Suki: Better than a watch, better than the regular inventory menu, better than simply using the computer's notepad to jot things down that you want to remember. The logbook does it all.
Sally: How did you find such a rare item?
James: … Wait a minute!
Sabbie: I lifted it off Jammy before we left Brentstone.
James: I KNEW it vanished!
Jessie: Haha. What goes around comes around, you greedy cretins.
James: Give it back!
Sabbie: Na-ah-ah. You want it, come 'n' get it. But you'll never find me, I am one with the shadows. Bitch.
(Several people go “Oooh”)
James: … I feel so... So... Ugh, damn it, this is the WORST apocalypse ever!
Miri: … Well... Well yeah. It is. Can you describe the BEST apocalypse ever to me?
James: Well no, not really, but you know what I mean.
Sabbie: Three hours and forty seven minutes. That's how long I've followed you in-game.
Miri: Wow, that's a long time.
Sabbie: Yep.
Arnold: You haven't stolen anything from us, have you?
(Blip)
Sabbie: No...
Arnold: What was that?
Sabbie: I gave you your bottle of water back. Sorry.
Arnold: Oh okay... Thanks. I think.
Sabbie: Don't sweat it. Seriously, don't, wasting water is risky business.
Arnold: True that.
Miri: So... There was no deer?
Sabbie: Nope. No deer.
Miri: Alright then.
Sabbie: Not yet anyway.
Miri: Does that worry you?
Sabbie: Nah. I can outrun deer on-foot.
Miri: You can?
Sabbie: Of course! All my trait points went into speed and agility you know! Fastest and most nimble ninja character you're ever gonna' see on a server here. I haven't even TOUCHED a car in this game yet.
Alex: Oh, you RP-breaking stone-hearted bitch.
Sabbie: Oh shit, sorry. Erm... I haven't even touched a car this whole adventure then.
Alex: Better.
Sabbie: Ta Al.
Mark: D'AWWW!
Miri: /Geeez...
Neil: /What the fuck?
Paddy: /OWW!
James: /Yikes!
Howie: /Ouch.
Jenny: Wha' the 'ell were THAT for!?
Mark: Sorry fellas, nevermind. I forgot my mic was so close to my mouth.
(Jenny sighs)

Karen: If I may say so, I am somewhat pleased to hear your troubles have been diverted, Miriam. Really. At least those out there are more fortunate than myself.
Harry: Still no clues as to where you are?
Karen: No, I-... Hold on.
Helen: What?
Karen: We're stopping... We're stopping! We've stopped!
Alex: Shh!
Karen: Oh right. Role-Play, I forgot. Sorry sorry.
Helen: Are you okay?
Karen: I believe so. I'm going to chance a peek out and see if I can verify any rough location of where I am.
Howie: Be careful.
Karen: Sure.
(Silence)
Karen: … Okay, well this isn't bad.
Bruno: It's not?
Karen: No. Which one of you guys is standing around and not noticing a band of raiders behind you?
Paddy: I hate when people ask that sort of question. Then every single one of us panics and checks it's not ourselves.
(Silence)
Karen: Come on, I know it's someone. I see the blue game tag.
Alex: Ahem!
Karen: I mean... My powers from believing in spirituality have illustrated to me a blue aura above said person's head?
Alex: … Okay, that works. I guess.
Karen: Oh, they know it's them.
Neil: Who IS it?
Karen: Okay, they're stealing the car... Okay, the raiders have spotted you now, you may want to step on it.
(Car speeds off with gunshots following after it)
Karen: Okay, I'm coming through into the back seat now. Don't kill me, whoever you are. Remember I'm just a child.
Lizzie: You're safe now.
Mark and Paddy: Lizzie!?
Lizzie: Hello.
Mark: You've been very quiet since we started this. I'm sure this is the first time you've spoken up since we spawned-... I mean, since the apocalypse began.
Alex: Thank you.
Lizzie: Helped me concentrate.
Karen: Effective tactical thinking.
Lizzie: That's what I was going for.
Karen: Them guys aren't going to be happy now.
Suki: There's a chance they could start hunting you by the way. If they catch up. Be warned.
Lizzie: I'll keep that in mind.
Neil: Okay, roll up everyone. If I may, I would like to re-open the Moonstone Bookies and start taking bets for the turnout of this event.
Kennedy: Uh...
Alex: Que pasa?
Neil: If anyone wants to bet on people dying, surviving, someone particular killing someone particular, yadda yadda yadda, pay down and I'll give you some realistic and adjusted odds.
Gwen: I put down fifteen simoleans that Paddy would die.
Kendra: Me too.
Lindsay: And me.
Jamie: Hold on. You girls bet he'd die first. Julie's already snuffed it.
Julie: Thanks.
Mark: Actually Paddy did die TWICE already, just it was back on the first night.
Neil: Yeah, I decided that doesn't count because he's still here.
Kendra: Uh, on second thoughts, I didn't bet.
Lindsay: Yeah me neither. Need to keep my tab money.
Gwen: Fine, I'll just bet Paddy dies again before the end. In fact, fifteen simoleans he dies next.
Paddy: You're mean.
Gwen: And you're predictable.
Paddy: Not predictable enough to die first.
Gwen: Predictable enough to at least directly cause the first death.
Paddy: Grrr.
Neil: Okay! Any more bets?
Mark: I doubled down remember. Thirty whole smackeroons that Paddy dies eventually.
Maria: Just ten simoleans for me. That Mark will die.
Mark: That just made things personal.
Maria: It's always personal with you and me, baby.
Mark: Cute talk. From a cute girl.
Terri: Ahem.
Mark: Right, sidetracked. Well I am going to bet TWENTY simoleans that I can reclaim my Mimi's love. This is going to get expensive.
Maria: You're quite the confident one aren't you?
Mark: Indeed I am, my sweet.
Maria: Even when the odds are impossible.
Mark: Neil's the odd maker here.
Neil: She's right. The odds are impossible.
Mark: Son of a bitch!
Neil: Paddy dying next, I'll give you 6/2.
Gwen: Good odds. I mean, shit odds, but they tell ya' it's likely to happen.
Paddy: Wow. Screw you.
Neil: Mark dying, sadly I have to give a 15/1.
Maria: Eh? Why?
Neil: Mark generally knows what he's doing. Until his lack of professionalism screws him over.
Miri: I'll bet ten simoleans that either Sally or Suki make it first. If not together.
Neil: That has to count as a bet both ways, totalling twenty simoleans.
Miri: Alright. I feel lucky.
Neil: 4/1 odds.
Miri: Nice.
Neil: Their main competition I would say is Jamie. Or Sabbie.
Jenny: 'Less Paddy gets 'em killed some'ow.
Neil: That is also likely.
(Sounds of trampling)
Sally, Suki, Sabbie and Nicky: DEER!
Arnold: Shit, who's got the deer?
Paddy: Again, every one of us will now panic and check!
Miri: US! You moron!
Arnold: Huh?
Miri: LOOK! No, don't look! Just follow us you thick tosser!
Sabbie: Later dude and dudette!
Miri: SABBIE!
Sabbie: Can't look back, gotta' go, can't slow down, gotta' keep the pace, go go go.
Miri: Arnie!
Arnold: WHAT!?
Miri: Get in this fucking car already!
Arnold: I'm coming, I'm coming!
Miri: OTHER SIDE YOU FUCKING HALFWIT!
Arnold: I'M driving!?
Miri: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE!? OF COURSE YOU ARE!
Jamie: I love when people get worked up.
Miri: MOVE IT!
Arnold: ALRIGHT!
Miri: Careful careful careful careful careful careful SABBIE!
Sabbie: Huh? WOAH DUDE!
Miri: You nearly hit her!
Arnold: But I didn't!
Sabbie: Count yourself lucky you didn't! I'll consider killing you quicker when I catch you. Oh shit, the deer!
Arnold: Yeah, you get running girl. Hahaha!
Sabbie: Until we cross paths again, friend.

Helen: Okay, I now admit. I'm glad I have you with me, Howie.
Howie: Aww, thanks Hel.
Arnold: None of us are remotely hurt or offended Helen.
Mark: Yep, not a one of us.
Maria: As Jess said, what goes around comes around. You hurt one heart, you get yours hurt too.
Mark: Can I ever make it up to you somehow?
Maria: That's not how it works. I can't just tell you to do something. It only counts if you yourself come up with it, that's how I'd know you really meant it.
Mark: That means I have a shot?
Maria: I'm not saying anything. Like I explained, think for yourself.
Mark: Interesting...
Helen: Everyone else is having difficulties alone, paired, or grouped. But you and me, we haven't had any troubles.
Howie: Uh...
Helen: What?
Howie: You know how much I hate jinxing things.
Helen: And you know how I don't believe in it at all, right?
Howie: Oh...
Helen: What?
Howie: This. This cultural difference between us. I feel like this may bear on us later.
Helen: And as I said, I feel like it's irrelevant.
Neil: Peter WALSH.
Helen: What?
Neil: You two. No troubles? No intense moments of struggling to survive? Maybe not, but can you quit bickering?
Helen: The rest of you bicker. Why can't we?
Paddy: Because we're dying!
Arnold: Because we're exhausted!
Karen: Because we're prisoners!
Mark: Because we're loveless!
(Silence)
Mark: … It counts!
Jamie: The rest of 'em are having problems that'll kill 'em, you two are just quarrelling over superstitious shit.
Howie: … Well, no need to go jinxing it. We MAY have troubles now.
Helen: Howard!
Howie: What!?
Helen: Just ssssshh... Relax. We're good. You and I, we'll be fine. We're doing well.
Harry: What IS your plan anyway?
Helen: To not leave each other's sides. The strength in numbers tactic. Two's a pair, three's a crowd though.
Terri: But a trouble shared is a trouble doubled.
Mark: Very wise, hun.
Miri: Where did that phrase come from?
Terri: An old show me and Mark loved watching as kids.
Miri: But... You guys are a pair too.
Mark: As are you.
Karen: As are we...
Sally and Suki: And us.
Jessie and Nicky: And us!
(Long silence)
Miri: Well, shit.

Chapter V: A Fair Trade



Jessie: We'll soon be three's company again though. Once we rejoin with Major Aiken.
Nicky: He gets to be a Major and I'm just Corporal?
Jessie: Felling.
Nicky: Sorry.
Floyd: Me? A Major?... Major Aiken, I like that!
Paddy: Fitting. Because right now he's giving ME a major aching alright.
Jessie: If you don't want him, give him back.
Paddy: Believe me, I'm trying to as quick as I can. Look, we're about a mile away, so shut up and just wait for us.
Jessie: Hurry up more then. I wanna' goooo!... NICKY! The cream and crackers please.
Nicky: Here you go!
Jessie: There's a cracker missing.
Nicky: Uh... Uh... Maybe it was always missing!
Sally: You can find already-opened consumables, you know.
Jessie: You're lying through your teeth, Corporal! You stole a cracker!
Nicky: No I didn't!
Jessie: YOU DID!
Nicky: Okay, I did... I'm sorry! I just got so hungry! I didn't use the cream though!
Jessie: And WHERE is the chocolate spread?
Nicky: … (Gulps)
Jessie: CORPORAL FELLING!
Nicky: I'M SORRY!
James: Is this what having kids is like?
Jamie: This IS having kids.
James: Jules, what we talked about the other night-
Julie: This isn't the place for that conversation, James.
James: Right, but still, I'm not cheery about the thought of kids if... If THIS is what they'll be like for eighteen years.
Neil: If you have kids like this James, it's more like twenty years than eighteen. Minimum.
Kendra: He's right. Jessie ain't a kid any more, she left her teenage years in July.
Mark: And Nicky leaves his in September.
Sabbie: It's rather worrying to know that I'm younger than these guys.
Suki: And me.
Sally: Me too, actually.
Karen: And me.
Kendra: Yes but Kay-Kay, you haven't even begun your teenage years yet.
Karen: In two weeks I will have.
Lindsay: You'll have another seven years though before you get to their age.
Jessie: You owe me some of your waffles and fries.
Nicky: No! Not the waffles! The fries, okay, but not the waffles! ANYTHING BUT THE WAFFLES!
Jessie: The pancakes and bagels then!
Nicky: Okay, okay! Fine, take the waffles, I can't part with pancakes AND bagels! What kind of brutal penalty IS this!?
Karen: I'm not looking forward to the next seven years...
James: Me neither.
Julie: Hey!
James: Sorry babe, I didn't mean-...
Julie: Glad to see you're looking forward to spending time with me so much.
James: But... Well, for the sake of RP, you ARE dead.
Alex: Hahaha, YES!
Julie: James! Al!
Alex: Ah damn I love you Jammy. Much better than Ken.
Kennedy: What did I do!?
Alex: You break RP for no reason, Jammy keeps RP even if it's in his best interest he break it.
James: There they are!
Paddy: Let's do this quickly.
Jessie: Great, thanks. Can you put him in the back of our car for me pwease?
Floyd: Shotgun!
Jessie: No Major, you go in the back, like I said.
Floyd: AGAIN!?
Jessie: Again.
Floyd: This is no fun. I thought I was of superior rank to Nicky!
Nicky: Uh, that's Corporal Michael Felling thank you very much!
Jessie: Oh, you can call him what you like, he IS of lower rank.
Nicky: … Oh...
Jessie: But you're wounded, and the medical bay is located to the rear of the car, thanks.
Floyd: … Meep.
Paddy: And as for our payment...
Jessie: Yes?
Paddy: … Well what do you have?
Jessie: We have-
Nicky: Look out! Attackers!
(Loud crash)
Paddy: … Oh for RP's sake...
Mark: Sorry! Sorry... Did I hurt anyone?
Paddy: What does it look like?
Mark: Well I know I'm nowhere near you but I might've hit you with that bin I drove through. Wanted to make an entrance.
Paddy: Well no, you didn't.
Mark: Oh. Too bad.
Jessie: Marky!
Mark: Jessie!
Paddy: Terri!
Terri: Paddy!
Mark: Paddy!
Paddy: Mark!
James: Mark!
Mark: Jammy!
Terri: James!
James: Terri!
Floyd: Terri!
Terri: Floyd!
Nicky: Mark!
Mark: Nicky!
Terri: Jess!
Jessie: Terri!
Floyd: Mark!
Mark: Uh... Hi, you.
Floyd: Hi!
(Silence)
Mark: … Well this is lovely.
Paddy: What are you doing here?
Mark: Am I not welcome?... Is this a bad time?
Paddy: It's a little tense, yeah.
Mark: Oh. Say no more then.
James: I wish they wouldn't.
Terri: What does that mean?
James: These guys. They keep speaking at me.
Mark: Is that a problem?
James: … I... I dunno, I can't understand them. That's why Paddy's doing the negotiating with them. I'm just staying back, ready to run if it gets too hot.
Mark: Looks like it's about to rain actually.
James: That wasn't what I meant.
Mark: I know.
Jessie: Okay. Um, anyway, we have...
Paddy: How did you get that cape?
Jessie: Oh, this? It's a premium item. I paid money for it. So I always start with it in my initial inventory.
Paddy: Real life money?
Jessie: Yeah! It's cool and suits me so right, so it was worth the money.
Paddy: I want it.
Jessie: You can't have it.
Paddy: I'll just take it by force then!
Jessie: Premium items can only be bought or personally given to you by someone who owns one.
Paddy: … Oh. Well that sucks.
Jessie: Mhm!
Paddy: Well there's only one other way we can deal with this situation...
Nicky: Woah!
James: Paddy, what the hell!?
Mark: How the hell did you manage to loot a gun from somebody and not die by consequence?
Paddy: Shut up! Or I'll kill you too!
Mark: James, your partner has lost it.
Paddy: Because of your comrade, Jessie, we lost one of our own. It's only fair we make this rate of loss equal to both sides.
Jessie: Don't kill me, okay? Come on, you wouldn't do that. Not to lil' ol' me?
Jenny: Hey, that's my line!
Paddy: I'm not going to kill YOU.
Jessie: Phew.
Paddy: Your friend killed one of my friends, so I now get to kill one of YOUR friends. Personally...
Floyd: GAH! GAH! NO!
Paddy: This fella here would probably be the best bet for all of us if we were to snuff him out. However...
Nicky: Huh!?
Paddy: I know this guy has caused a lot of problems for you today... And the rest of us too, at some point in our lives. So, I'll have the decency to give you a choice-your Corporal or your Major, who's to leave us right now?
(Silence)
Jessie: I... I can't... I can't betray my squad over favouritism!
Paddy: You mean to say you would rather take the fall for them instead?
Jessie: …
(Click)
Paddy: I'll give you ten seconds to reconsider. Ten...
Jessie: …
Paddy: Nine...
Nicky: Captain?
Paddy: Eight...
Floyd: Tamz?
Paddy: Seven...
Mark: Jessie, come on...
Paddy: Six...
Terri: Mark-
Mark: Ssh! Jess!
Paddy: Five...
Mark: Jess, give him an answer. Now!
Paddy: Four...
Jessie: I... I just can't do it. A good Captain always protects her squad with her life.
Paddy: Three...
Mark: …
Paddy: Two...
Mark: … (Sigh)
Terri: Mark?
Paddy: One...
(Heavy keyboard button presses)
Paddy: NO!
(Bang!... Then silence)

Jessie: …
Paddy: What did you just DO!?
Mark: I couldn't let you do it. Not my Jessie. Take any other fucker here... Except Terri... And myself... And Jammy obviously since he's one of your own... But not wor Jess!
Jessie: You saved me!
Mark: Happy to be of service.
Paddy: You attacked me!
Mark: Again, happy to be of service. At least I didn't wound you. I used the 'nudge' which is usually just a left-in debug command to free bugged NPCs.
Nicky: You saved me!
Floyd: And me!
Mark: Yeah, don't get too carried away with that idea. I only saved Jessie, you guys just happened to be saved too by coincidence.
Nicky: Oh, okay...
Floyd: … (Sniffles)
Paddy: … I still gotta' shoot one of ya'!
Terri: Erm, that may not be wise.
Paddy: Why not!?
Terri: Look.
(Silence)
James: … Ho-ly shit.
Mark: Paddy, this is your fault.
Paddy: MY fault?
Mark: The shot alerted the horde.
Paddy: But you-
Mark: Your gun, your trigger finger. Regardless of who it was going to hit, it still made a lot of noise. Ya' friggin' TOOL!
Nicky: That's... A big horde...
Floyd: Bigger than in Brentstone.
Jessie: … Okay, let's bail!
Paddy: Hang on, I'm not finished with you guys yet!
Jessie: Go! Go! Go!
Mark: You can't get past that horde.
Jessie: We can try!
Terri: … Mark!
Mark: What!?
Terri: They're coming from behind too!
Mark: Was that a euphemi-
Terri: Now is NOT the time for that!
Paddy: Aw shit. They're cutting us off from the cars.
Mark: Terri...
Terri: Hm?
Mark: That whole thing I said about dying for you and all that?
Terri: Yes?
Mark: … Make a break for the car when you can, and just drive out of here. Do NOT look back, whatever you do. Just keep going.
Terri: Why, what are you-... MARK!
Mark: I'm gonna' try distract them a bit... It would help if Flopsy here would fucking help me too!
Terri: Flopsy?
Mark: PADDY!
Paddy: Oh, right!
(Someone in the background scoffs)
Paddy: What are we doing?
Mark: Lure them away!
Paddy: Where to?
Mark: Away from the others you twat!
Paddy: Hang on, SAVE the others?... Fuck this, I'm not saving anyone!
Mark: Hey! HEY! COME BACK HERE FLOPSY! YOU GOOD FOR NOUT LITTLE SHIT!
Paddy: Screw you, ya' Neathen asshole!
Mark: … YOU'LL NEVER BE A HERO WITH THAT ATTITUDE!
Paddy: I DON'T CARE, I WAS ALWAYS A VILLAIN!... HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mark: …
Paddy: … Oh shit, I'm walking the wrong way.
Mark: Fail!
Paddy: James! Car! In! Now!
James: Righto!
Mark: Aaaand everyone's gone now. Great. So I'm alone? With the horde. This could be fun. Me, my crowbar and I.
Jessie: Marky!
Mark: Eh?
Jessie: Get in!
Mark: Really? Are you-
Jessie: JUST COME ON!
Mark: ALRIGHT! I guess everyone else is gone anyway.
Terri: You told me to go on without you!
Mark: I was referring more to Flopsy.
Paddy: Whatever. You killed me in the old Apocalypse Trail. Time for revenge.
Mark: Bitch, you're going down. Eventually.
Paddy: We'll see, we'll see.
Mark: Thanks Jess. You're an angel.
Maria: Pah!
Jessie: I always look out for my Squadron Leader, especially since he saves me all the time.
Mark: It's just...
Jessie: What?
Mark: Well...
Nicky: Yeah?
Floyd: S'up?
Mark: … How did I get stuck with this lot too?
Jessie: This is our fleet!
Mark: … Oh, okay. Can I fire these two then?
Jessie: No, unfortunately I'm the hire-in-chief organiser so your supreme leadership is limited to me personally and of official title.
Mark: Too bad.
Floyd: On that subject, er, Sir, what are our orders?
Mark: To shut up and not interrupt me when I go about being badass.
Jenny: Uh-oh.
Miri: What?
Jenny: 'E's goin' inta' that mode 'gain, the one where 'e gets real serious an' that shit.
Neil: … Right, anyone? What the fuck did Jenny say? I swear, in the three years I've known her, I've barely understood a thing she says.
Jenny: This why you an' I ain't very good friends 'en?
Neil: Most likely. Remind me, where are you even from again?
Jenny: I'm from Salingeria ya' stupid dick! Well, pa' is from Bormeda, ma' is from Salingeria, where I was born too.
Howie: You do sometimes have a very rare twang of something foreign in your accent, right at the end of a sentence.
Jenny: Um... I dunno. I'm mean' 'ave Riberican descendants... Prob'ly 'Warian too.
Neil: (Sigh) You mean Hwarian?
Jenny: That's what I said! Bit o' Nochtian too. Think I 'eard I might 'ave a bit o' Levachia in me from way back. An' Parayma too, def'.
Neil: Pardon me to say but... Where the hell have your family been? They don't half get around do they?
Jenny: You're askin' the girl who's got like five brothers an' two sisters, an' notta' mention four uncles an' aunties too?
Alex: … You aren't-
Jenny: Nah my family ain't fuckin' inbred or anythin' Al, we's discussed this before many a time!
Alex: Alright, I'm sorry. I just have to keep makin' sure.
Jenny: Well that ain't changed. I'll be sure t' let ya' know if it does though.
Alex: … Thank you.
Jenny: 'Welcome.

Mark: Jess, scoot over.
Jessie: Huh?
Mark: I'm commandeering this vehicle.
Jessie: But you can't leave us!
Mark: I'm not leaving you! I just want to drive. I'm taking charge.
Jenny: See what I mean?
Nicky: Don't kill us.
Mark: Don't tempt me then.
Jessie: What's the plan then, Marky?
Mark: I'll tell you the plan... We're gonna' fuckin' get to Huldergard.
(Silence)
Mark: … You guys are meant to say “YEAH!!!”
Nicky, Jessie and Floyd: YEAH!!!
Mark: … One at a time please, I have a speech to make. Tryin' to add drama 'n' emotion here.
Nicky, Jessie and Floyd: Sorry.
Mark: We're gonna' fuckin' get to Huldergard!
Floyd: YEAH!!!
Mark: We're gonna' out-survive everyone on this server!... I mean in this realm!
Nicky: YEAH!!!
Mark: And we're gonna' settle any 'n' all scores with anyone who we have unfinished business with!
Jessie: YEAH!!!
Mark: And we're gonna' start with YOU, Flopsy!
Nicky, Jessie and Floyd: YEAH!!!
Mark: And then, Maria... Then, I'm coming for you.
Nicky, Jessie and Floyd: YEAH!!!
Maria: Woah, is that a threat? Big talk buddy, you just come and take me if you can.
Mark: Oh I'll take you, baby, I'll take you alright.
Maria: Was that a-
Mark: Oh shut the fuck up.
Maria: Bitch.
Mark: Come at me.
Maria: I could break RP right now and punch you one, I AM sitting on your lap remember.
Mark: N'awww but you wouldn't do that, you love me too much. And you like my cuddles.
Maria: Pff.
Mark: Besides, you hit me, I might drop you.
Maria: … Fine, you win this time.
Mark: I win every time sweetheart.
Maria: Times are gonna' change.
Mark: If you say so, my sweet, if you say so.
Jamie: Is Maria genuinely sitting on Mark's lap? Can this be confirmed?
Paddy: Yes.
Alex: Yeah.
Sally: Yeah.
Suki: Yup.
Jamie: Okay great. It was really too much to go get another chair in that studio?
Sally: We're... (Grunts) A bit pushed for space as it is right now. No more chairs could fit so someone had to stack up or go to another room.
Alex: D'AWWW!
Jamie: Okay there was no need for that.
Alex: No I mean that's it. It's time. To end, I mean. Show's over, and all that.
Julie: But how are we supposed to end-... Well I guess it's already ended for me but...
Mark: I'll call a server stop here. Everything'll freeze, everything will be saved, and we can pick up directly from here next week!
Paddy: The server can hibernate in that state for that long?
Sally: Thanks to us. It was a personal suggestion of mine and Sukes to the devs.
Mark: Everyone make sure they aren't near anything dangerous that might fuck you up instantly next week... Any issues?
(Silence)
Mark: … Excellent, thanks.
(Diconnection 'Bleep')

Mark: Right, well that wasn't completely disastrous... Was it?
Paddy: Speak for yourself.
Mark: Yeah, it's difficult when you keep dying all the time, huh?
Paddy: Yeah, yeah, shut up.
Mark: That's fine. Just know that next week you'll be dying once more. By my hand.
Paddy: Good luck with that. I'm not letting another life go.
Mark: Not your own anyway, but other peoples' are no concern to you.
Paddy: Not true!
Mark: Well you got Julie killed, then you were about to leave Floyd for dead, then kill Nicky, then JESSIE of all people. You're a psychotic serial motherfuckin' killer in the making!
Paddy: Maybe you'll be my next victim then.
Mark: Bring it, bitch.
Sally: Erm guys, seriously. Be real now. Al gave us the signal to wrap this up.
Mark: Is that a wrap as in like food, or wrapping paper, or rap as in a hip-hop-hippie?
Paddy: Does it fucking matter!?... Actually, yes, it does.
Sally: You always ask me this, and I tell you – why would it be a rap as in a song?
Mark: Maybe it SHOULD be a rap. Kazi, play us off!
Sally: We don't have time for that!
Mark: FINE! Be boring. You boring miserable good-for-nothing tart!
Sally: …
Mark: … I'm sorry, that was a bit harsh like, I'll admit. I apologise. Come on, give me some Kazi cuddles.
Maria: I'm not moving.
Mark: Er, okay, I'll get Kazi cuddles afterwards then, when I don't have a wild Mimi on my knees.
Sally: I suppose I kinda' have to forgive you.
Mark: Did you hear that Mimi? Forgiveness! The power to forgive! Can you believe someone has the capacity to do that?
Maria: I can't say I can, sorry.
Mark: … Well okay that's fine you can sulk a little longer before I try to coax some love outta' you.
Maria: I'm already dreadin' the time.
Mark: Excellent, I like a challenge.
Maria: You aren't wrong there.
Sally: I miss people listening to me when I tell them things, like that we have to end the show.
Mark: When did we ever listen to you to start with?
Sally: You haven't, but you know what happens if we run over time, they just cut us off like-
Mark: Yeah that's all sweet and lovely and full of rainbows Kaz but we seriously need to end now.
Sally: That's what I just-!... (Sigh) Yeah, you're right.
Mark: Thanks everyone for tuning in today, if there's any of you listening right now. Or maybe you get fed up of when we end the show so you switch over prematurely while we all bicker. Anyway, we shall be back with you same time next week. If you remembered we started at 12:30pm today and you've been here for the full run, GOOD FOR YOU! We love you.
Paddy: And if you're a similar age to us, of the opposite sex, single, and hot, we love you even more.
Mark: … Yes. Thank you Paddy.
Paddy: Any time.
(Beep)
Mark: Oh hell, that's our warning that the cut-off is imminent.
Sally: Indeed, and so, from my wonderful self, the ever-wisdomous Mark, the always-amusing Paddy, and of course all our other beloved friends-turned-family, it's a goodbye. And so until next time...
Everyone: Stay classy st-!



Sally: I think they cut us off early...
Mark: And Paddy couldn't even get us a fitting special outro over our Hwarian tune.
Paddy: Don't blame me. It's not my job to handle everything. It's your show.

The Rocky Reports

Mark's Mentionings: The Way The Cookie Crumbles



Yo, waddup mah Stoner homebois? Apologies guys, I don't really talk like that.

This is surely a familiar vehicle to you, right? That's right, it's good old Amy the Amazon. She's definitely one of the symbolic representatives of Moonstone, alongside other great things to come from us-such as The Desert Cat van, “D'AWWW!”, many a euphemism, Les Animaux, capes, the gloriously gorgeous and adorable Jessie MacKinnon, and everyone's house favourite: Nicky Stanton. Okay, maybe we don't have the best representatives usually. Aside from Les Animaux. And wor Jess. But Amy the Amazon, also known as The Chrissiemobile II (The Chrissiemobile originally being my Blackwood GTSa which has since gone through the title of The Terrimobile and now simply The Blackie, as the car has seen many design reincarnations over the last couple years) is one of our most definitive ones, as she marked the milestone for many things: The most iconic car of Kings Of The Desert, the wow-factor of Kings Of The Desert's finale episode, the most expensive and extravagant gift I've probably ever given to Chrissie herself, one of the most expensive, complicated and ambitious projects I ever undertook at the time, and many more things I could list that I don't want to bore you with right now.

Now, this wonderful machine left us when Chrissie left us. I say when she left us, I mean when she first went on the holiday that became her official resignation. Well this, the photo you are looking at right now (not the adult literature you have currently on your secondary monitor-the one on this page) was in fact taken just this week. That's right, Amy the Amazon, The Chrissiemobile, is back at home. No, Chrissie is not with her. It isn't like I can just magically write reality and say “Oh look! Chrissie's come back to me! We had a quick talk of forgiveness over the past, then had make-up sex which has impregnated her and we're going to go eloping in Rivet City and I shall have a third wife! Mwahahahaha!”....... I suppose technically I could, but I'd probably get sued for slander. Also, that's just creepy. Even if the former was true and we had made up, we wouldn't be so ridiculous. Or at least I'd hope not, I'd pray that Chrissie's still the very responsible and wise-cracking gal she's always matched up to be. But no, I've been spending a lot of time in Denland lately for work-filming yet again for season 4 of Crimson Media's Evil Born Evil, a captivating crime drama coming soon on SPTV or a local torrenting site near you! (Do I get any pay bonus for the plug, Luke?) As I returned home briefly for a check-in on Les Animaux, who's currently being looked after by Nicky, I noticed this familiar four-wheeled phenomenon parked outside the caravan among the rest of my auto junkyard. Naturally, I rushed in hoping I'd see my Cookie Crumble curled up on the sofa waiting for my return. Nope, just Amy. I looked her over, as you do, and discovered this lying on the driver's seat, a small note that read:

“Sparky,
No hard feelings I hope. Not any more.
Best loving wishes,
Cookie”

Sparky was one of her main nicknames for me. Plenty people call me it but it was always her first, she was the creator of said name. What can I say? Yes, I cried a bit. Moderately. A lot. So much that grass was starting to grow in The Wasteland's sand again that wasn't just the rolled-on carpet grass that we already have here. Was I upset? Depressed maybe. Angry too. At who, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure on what to do-The sight of Amy outside the window every time I looked was enough to make my eyes water. Should I have sold her? Scrapped her? Took my frustration out on her and kicked the doors in, vandalised all the history that car holds for us? No, of course not. Luke had a similar situation with Mike Simmons' Seurope Estate, but this was worse-I couldn't part with one of the few things I have left that either reminded me of or formerly belonged to Chrissie, including most of her clothes, perfumes, and other clutter 'n' crap like that. It isn't much, but it's all I have, and I can't part with that. Likewise, Amy has to stay. However, I have to at least try to bury the memories from the surface. My idea is to maybe give Amy another reincarnation, like with The Blackie, and then perhaps it won't break my heart so much to look at her. Maybe I can even drive her again. Who knows. Time will tell. Oh and I forgot to mention Chrissie had also left a CD on the seat too, which was a single of a song me and her knew all too well-“Remember Me.” I knew she meant well, but the meaning behind the lyrics were both selfish and slightly ambiguous. Selfish because she actually wants me to keep remembering her, and what we used to be (as is what the song's about) which is only really going to hurt me inside, but ambiguous because remembering what we used to be would imply that... I dunno, but it would imply SOMETHING about the two of us. I guess I've sobbed out enough this week, a normal non-emotional Rocky Report will come from me next week, pinky promise.

Paddy's Preachings: I Just Had A Haircut



Hey guys,

Well, sometimes, something really strange happens in Alterra. I don't quite know how to explain it, but I'll try anyway. I just had a hair cut, and it felt so good. I let a woman (yes, a female hairdresser, got a problem?) put some scissors to my hair. She gave me a haircut but eventually it'll grow back to the “terrier” hair of the past.

Yeah guys, but don't think that this is catching on. It's a rare occurrence and it's going to stay that way. Why's the mop chopped? Why have I abandoned Alex in our floppy-haired brotherhood? Well I, Paddy Swanson, have a date. Yes, I have a date. A real date. Me. Um, okay, maybe it isn't really a date.

So like, what happened was, I went roaming around and wound up in this bar in a place I never knew, and met this beautiful girl who's a young aspiring actress, we talked for ages, I scored her number, and now we're meeting up and probably gonna' hit it off. For how long though, I don't know... Oh wait! That didn't happen at all! Sorry, I was thinking of someone else. Um... Oh yeah! I used to lurk around this library for no reason since I have no interest in reading, but I picked up this chick who works in there and then we... No, no, wrong again. How DID I meet this girl... Was she a long-lost love who I adored with all my heart at a young age who I haven't seen in years and travelled Alterra to find her again?... Oh actually yes it was! Well, okay, maybe not as incredible or as inspiring a story as that. But she WAS... IS... An old friend. An old flame. Someone who I really enjoyed the company of, despite the troubles many people caused for us. Who might this be? Oh well, see, it happens to be my old girlfriend Judy. You'll probably remember her of course, the girl I've talked about once before. You may remember seeing the photo of her. You may even remember seeing her in the flesh if you're reading this and you were one of the nosey bastards who got me put on trial in court over a mere sinister assumption.

How did I find her? Well actually I didn't, funniest thing. Well it isn't exactly that funny. In fact, it's rather sad to know how unfunny my life usually is when it isn't broadcast or Moonstone-related. But then again, Moonstone, its people, its places, it IS my life. So actually I have a very funny life. How about that! Ah... Anyway, it turns out she found me. I was just walking towards my car here in Emerald City after helping redecorate our studio one weekend not long ago (we're almost done now, as excellent as none of us are with D.I.Y.) and happened to find yet another parking ticket on my car. As I hummed and harred about the total bill this month for parking tickets had once again exceeded the seven hundred simolean point, I got a tap on my shoulder. I half expected it to be the warden or something, not sure why he'd stick around, maybe he's that familiar with my car he felt the need to ask me why I persist to park in the same place every single time. Nope, unless Judy had been the parking warden all this time, it wasn't the warden. Or maybe she was, that reminds me, I didn't ask her. Maybe I should do that. Huh. Anyway, turns out she'd only been a state over and made the travel over to see me. It'd been a long time, but she'd been aware of my doings these days, where I was, what I was up to etc. So whilst she wasn't far away she decided it couldn't hurt to stop by and see if she couldn't find me after all this time. So we went for a coffee. Or rather, she did, I don't drink any of that shit. Yuck. We had a bit of a catch-up, a laugh, and at the end of it, I thought I'd ask her if she wanted to maybe hang out again sometime soon. She delightfully agreed. I delightfully reacted positively to her delightfully positive reaction. We both delightfully walked away with delightfully positive moods. I was delighted to have another delightful parking ticket on my car again, and delightfully noted at the bottom by the warden was “Nice to see you again.” Well I'm delighted to somewhat make acquaintance with the warden finally. Next time I park there I'm going to leave a message saying “Hi Mr Warden Sir, just me again ” and hopefully we can establish a delightful friendship over notes, and might even get a delightful friends' discount on parking fines. That would be delightful. Maybe I'll hold off just a bit longer on paying for these fines just in case something like that actually happens.

People do ask me all the time why I park there. I tell them there's plenty space, regardless of the time of day, and there's usually half a dozen cars that get fined the same time as me so I take comfort knowing I'm not alone. Why do people think Emerald City is so clean, friendly, and very well managed? Because our parking fines pay for just about everything. We keep the sandwich deli Mark loves open, we keep the streets clean from Les Animaux muck most of the time with regular street cleaning buggy machines, we keep your fuel supplies high and prices low, we do what we do to make you residents happy. So the next time you see our cars parked illegally with tickets on and you think “Ha, the selfish prick deserved it,” you just remember what we're providing for you in the long run. Yeah, that's right, you remember. Okay, I'm starting to sound a bit psychotic now, maybe I should stop.

So yes, I am meeting up with Judy again soon. Is it a date? Is it a day date? Is it a friendly meet? Is it a deep dark scheme for her to get some burly blokes to stab and mug me in a dark dingy alleyway in Dusty Springs? Who knows! There's not even enough buildings in Dusty Springs close together for their to be alleyways but it mightn't stop her from doing that anyway. If she does that, just so everyone knows, in my will I've left everything to the cats' charity, The Unhappy Cat Society, as per Mark's brilliant suggestion. It isn't like I've got any loved ones to leave it all to anyway. I mean I do, but I can't fairly decide who gets what. Except for my old Jin-Jin collection, Helen's getting that. Except for the special series that have Jin-Jin's cousin Kin-Kin in, Mark made it very clear that he wanted them ones. He went so far as to bite Helen's hand to keep her away from them. It's weird, it's blatantly obvious Mark has some sort of crush on Kin-Kin, and yes she is quite hot I'll admit but... Just the fact that The Adventures Of Jin-Jin is a kids' show, and Kin-Kin was... Well, we worked out that the woman who played her would be about thirty five years old now or something, which means during the series she was between sixteen and eighteen. But the fact the character of Kin-Kin was meant to be fourteen going on fifteen was just... Yeah. Not that we watch old 90s and early 00s series about kids with little fluffy white dogs and flying bicycle things or anything. Not any more. Absolutely not.

Sally's Statements: Highway Code To Hell



Hiya everybody!

This week was a big week for me. I finally passed my driving test! Yay, go me, I totes rule! Contrary to popular foreign belief, no, we don't simply apply for a driver's license via a small paper form at the age of thirteen and merely pay twenty simoleans for it to come in the post. Although if we did, it would be very convenient for me. It's been difficult-the instructor being so afraid of my car, I've had to have guys from The Moonstone Family to help me out with giving me lessons, including Mark, Paddy, Arnold, even Kennedy. Until Ken wept in the car that is. It wasn't my fault that there's this crunching sound I'm unfamiliar with that seems to happen whenever you brake heavily or are on an uneven road. I just always pretended my car was happy and clicking away as a sign of joy. Ken clearly didn't appreciate my optimism. Nevertheless, after that, I then had to pay to use the examiner's driving school car for my exam since my Azam was... “Unsuitable for examining purposes” as the guy said in his own words. How mean. Anyway, the test itself went smoothly. Sort of. A couple of jerks were out, as you'd expect, not helping me whatsoever. Just back off, you arrogant arseholes! Long story short I passed, I was stricken with joy, I was tempted to inappropriately hug the examiner very tightly, I refrained, I then later squeezed all the guys that helped teach me, most of them were appreciative of my affections, some weren't, boo them. It was only once I got driving on my own again after being in the examiner's car that I realised... Well, my Azam is pretty nasty. I don't mean he's mean or anything (Yes, I call him Hugo. Hugo Marshall Camden as a full name, because of HMC. I'm aware that I'm a sad soul), but I much preferred driving the examiner's car to mine. I'm so sorry Hewie, but it's true! I don't have the money for a new car though, me and Suki stretch as it is with paying for rent, new furniture, having the window sills refurbished to get rid of the gaps in the glass, and of course the money I paid for using the examiner's car. On the plus side we saved a lot of money last winter with wearing the fuzzy jumpers rather than using the heating. But that was because the building's boiler was broken through the thick of the snow, ice and frost. So much so that most residents were offered temporary shelter elsewhere until it was fixed. Me and Suki are tough though, we battled on in our jumpers. And coats. And scarves. And six duvets at night. I was this close to sharing a bed with Suki, as enticing an idea as it was (enticing for us because of the cold, enticing for the guys because of obvious “euphemistic” suggestions). But people seem to question my sexuality enough as it is that I don't need to get them to gossip more by sleeping with another girl. On a completely different, irrelevant note by the way, I am in fact straight. I like guys, yes. Older guys, generally. No real reason, I just like men who are mature, and smart, and witty. Nikolaus Kristofferson is a particular favourite of mine. If you look like him, are like his personality, or preferably both, get in touch? Please? Anyway, there we go, I don't “bat for the same side,” so will people please stop writing in emails and letters asking me if I am a lesbian? I get people are always making jokes and I can understand if some of you were confused, but I'm not. Guys, please stop asking me to send you pictures of me with my girlfriends, and girls, stop asking me if I'm single. I am single, and I'm extremely flattered that I've... Had an unbelievable amount of offers from very many admittedly beautiful girls, but sorry, I'm just not that kind of girl. Though I do openly comment on other girls being attractive, yes, nothing wrong with that. Oh my word, listen to me, I'm starting to sound like the guys now. No, no! That's not me, be the person I usually am, bad Sally, bad girl!

What else has been going on with me? Well, not too much, ever the interesting girl that a Sally Hudgson is. Me and Suki won a contest the other week. Well, “Summer and Sally” won a contest rather, as the magazine named us as. Suki of course didn't appreciate it, but had to be done. Summer West is still her real name after all and the one she had to use when we applied. The contest was simple really, it was an amateur dramatics challenge. Technically, since neither me or Suki have acted in anything (Yet! Possible hint-hint), we aren't professional actresses so it's okay. All we had to do was a miniature screenplay that took place in a single room, two characters, that had a captivating story with some big plot twist and cliffhanger ending. We made it simply about two girls who were chatting to some random guy they meet in an online game, who they befriend, and then start talking to more outside of the game but via the arcanet still, one of the girls starts to develop feelings for him (my character, naturally), we then talk over webcam, and eventually decide to meet. Then the other girl comes back from being out to find her roommate gone to see him and him not online for some time. Then some time later, the guy appears on webcam again with my character as hostage (the webcam is never shown, as the rule was only two characters ever seen) and he tells Suki's character-Autumn (Because we love irony)-that he's kidnapped before and makes a good living off holding ransoms for people and then makes off afterwards. In the end, Autumn recognises from the background of the webcam where the guy lives, she decides to call the police, who refuse to believe her story. She then gets a hold of the exact address, calls the police again, puts on a voice to pretend to be someone else, claims to have killed a burglar in that house, the police say they'll be over right away. To which Autumn pulls out a gun from under her bed in a box, simply says “I guess I'll have to make it quick,” then exits the room. Fin. For a short three or four day planned project, I think we did very well. This was just us two working on it solo, although we got Jamie and James to do the voices for Paul (“The Webcam Guy”) and the police responder over the phone respectively, so even better. As a result, we won a thousand simoleans and a weekend getaway to Brentstone in a little B&B. It was the same weekend as The Midsummer All-Night Asphalt Festival With The Southern UMC Motor Show 2014 so sadly myself and Suki weren't there with the rest of Moonstone to cheer on our participating duos in the league, which took place on the 29th-31st of August by the way, for those wondering. Still, for what I've endured during my orientation into Moonstone, I'd say I deserved a nice little break away. I believe the guys wanted to talk about The Asphalt Festival at a later time, so I'll leave mine and Suki's trip until then too.

Maria's Movements: Leaving The Caravan Of Love



Hi fellas,

Yeah, well, I guess I was ready. Don't get me wrong, it was certainly the time of my life. Living with Mark I mean. Never had as fun a roomie as him. But, well, in the end, I've ended up moving out. Lately the two of us just never got to spend as much time together as we usually do. Mostly my fault, I admit. Not entirely, but mostly. I started going out with Lin much more often, and I guess “Mark & Maria” time happened a lot less, especially when it used to be an every night thing. I guess you could say we grew apart a bit. Then Mark went off to Denland, and it was just me in the house... Or caravan, rather, so then I decided to go get my old house back. I figured it was maybe time to go back. We talked it over, and yeah it was sad, but we've made our peace with it. Oh and don't worry, about the whole apocalypse thing. It got a bit personal, I know, but we're always like that. We fight a bit, we scrap, but we have a very... “Colourful” expression of love for each other, including mockery, insults, fighting (playful though) and a lot of cuddles to balance the rest out. He's certainly a unique one, and I hope he still sees me as a unique one too. He can let me know after he's read this. So now when Mark goes home, he has but Les Animaux to greet him, and Nicky and/or Jessie if they've decided to stay the night at his. They kinda' have an open door policy going at the minute where the two of them just wander in and decide to stay for a couple nights and it seems everyone's alright with that. Me, I still hang out with Lin, although me and Mark have promised to have more quality time together, even if we don't live together any more, and even though I spend a lot of time with my friends uptown who aren't even in Moonstone. But sure that's life, things change, things end, new things start, some things last forever. This paragraph has told a good example of any and all of them.

The other thing recently is I decided to do a Moonstone “reincarnation” of The Desert Cat van, though not as big of a reincarnation as SOMEONE likes to do when he does one. The Desert Cat van was always designed to be strictly for The Desert Cats, so the good old black paintjob did well. But since then, the good old van has served as my main vehicle, and I felt the black was bringing out the worst side of me. It's amazing how a black vehicle can make you generally more angry as you go through life! I get mad enough. At people. At things. At stuff that doesn't even exist. Yeah, I can get violent. Gwen's worse, by far, Lin's pretty bad too, but I'm possibly the next in line. Oh, maybe Jenny too. My point is though, I can get very hot-headed, though I try my best to hide it. People say I can be a big softie at times, and yeah that's true, I hate Mark seeing me get too bad, but whatever... That's why I gave the van a beach sort of theme. Thought it'd calm me a bit more. However, it does make the van quite seasonal. I can't really drive it in winter without feeling a bit ridiculous. I haven't had to worry about that yet since the respray was done recently, but I'll cross the bridge when I get to it. Meanwhile, it's very fitting, especially when there's no water in The Wasteland. We all like a reminder that there's water in Emerald City and Lake Kinneas. And by water I mean lakes and rivers, obviously. Of course there's drinking water in The Wasteland, now we're just being stupid to suggest there isn't. And now I'm rambling, brilliant, that makes me no different to anyone else in Moonstone. I also carpeted out the back of the van, yes, the floor, but also the walls and ceiling of the van too. You heard me right. It's now much more comfortable to be a living space, in case I find myself spending the night in it. It'll be good to get back home, although the main reason for living on my own is because I find myself spending less and less time at home. I'd rather be in a house where there's no one to miss me rather than live with people I love who I'm leaving alone to go out. It really is the better way. “The Moonstone Way” you could say, if you were terribly cliché which I'm not. Maybe the others would be. Anyway that's what's happening. Though it does seem like every woman and every man does indeed leave the caravan of love. I suppose everybody's got to take a stand, and leave the caravan. I guess the caravan, if you look at it this way, is a place to go for support, to know someone still cares. Mark likes to act tough, mock everyone every chance he gets, and so on so forth as Mark does, but he's really a bigger softie than me. Then when we're ready to be back in our independence, we leave. Myself and Jessie are both like that. Chrissie and Terri? Well maybe in a way they're the same as us too. I don't know. Theorising about Chrissie isn't going to score me any more points with Mark so I best skip that while I'm ahead. People also used to ask a lot of questions about me and Mark. A LOT of questions. So much so that I temporarily had my account on The Moonstone Forum open for Q&A (against my wishes of course), of which I told everyone the exact same thing:

“Me and Mark are just friends. We've known each other since he first moved here to The Wasteland, when I already lived here. Yes, we're much closer friends the last year and a bit than we've ever been before. Whether or not I had feelings for him or even still do, or vice versa, is irrelevant to the fact that we're just friends. Nothing has happened, nothing may ever happen, or maybe something might happen. Something might happen in the same way that Julie and James will get married soon, or Helen starts dating Alex, or Helen even starts dating Alannis Episcopa. As I say, there's nothing more to mine and Mark's relationship than what everyone sees right here. As things stand right now. He's one of my best friends and I love him for what he does for me. But thank you for the insightful question anyway I suppose.”

Apparently although a bit too direct, it was an approved response in the eyes of moderator Lizzie. And yes, I did just copy and paste that statement to each one of you who asked. The many of you. You're welcome.