Afternoon 002 - Les Animaux, Spooning and Gangsta Kazi (Part 1)

This episode originally aired in December 2013

INFORMATION: Due to MRLD’s extreme popularity and high-profile quality programming, An Afternoon With Mark & Paddy (& Sally) needed reviewing and evaluating after its pilot episode in order to establish that it was acceptable enough to withhold the station’s reputation. This process is what has caused no more Afternoons airing in the last few weeks. However, thanks to you very lovely listeners, we are pleased to say that we passed the evaluation and in flying colours too. And so, we are all very proud to announce that we are back, and are officially a signed-on show for the station’s roster. And for that, we want to give out a big thank you to everyone that left us awesome feedback on the show. We love all you guys!

-Love, Lizzie
Moonstone Chief Administrator

Nicky: DISCLAIMER! This show contains some strong and foul words you may not like. Such as poop, meanie, fool, imbecile, jerk, cry-baby, bully and-
Mark: FUCK! You fuckin’ pathetic little shit-nosed twat-faced hairy-arsed ponsy-prick BASTARD TOSSPOTS! Who the FUCK has taken my fuckin’ dancing flowers!? When I find the fuckwit that did it I’m gonna’ fuckin’ have them gutted, pissed on, and have their dick cut off! And if they don’t have a dick then I’m gonna’ cut out their c-
Alex: -D’AWWW!
Mark: You WANKERS!
Nicky: … And dipstick.

Afternoon 002: Les Animaux, Spooning and Gangsta Kazi

Mark: Holly...
Luke: Elexis…
Mark: Lorna...
Luke: Lacy...
Mark: Olga...
Mark and Luke: HELLO!
Luke: And...
Mark: Wendy!
Luke: Edna!
Mark: Lisa!
Luke: Caitlin!
Mark: ... Oprah...
Luke: Madge!
Mark: Elissa!
Mark and Luke: WELCOME!
Luke: Hang on... Oh you didn't just... Oh...
Mark: "Hang on oh you didn't just oh" what?
Luke: You just had to get dear old Elissa in there, didn't you?
Mark: Was that a euphemism? It was the perfect way to open the afternoon, with only the finest female Alterra has to offer.
Luke: Fair play, then. So, yes! HELLO and WELCOME to An Afternoon With Mark and... As you may have realized, not Paddy. It is indeed I, Luke Enfield!
Sally: And Sally!
Mark: No Sally, from now on, your name is Kazi.
Luke: Alright Sal!
Mark: And you Luke, from now on, you are Paddy... I'm sorry, the operation wasn't a success.
Luke: Awh! But I don't like the name Paddington!
Mark: There's a lot of things about Paddy we don't like. Mainly because he is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE MAN WHO POORLY IMPERSONATES GODDESSES AND GETS HIMSELF BANNED FROM RADIO!... Hello Paddy, if you're listening. Yeah, sucks to be you.
Luke: This week he has been reduced to sitting on the fence and getting splinters on his arse. Not nice...
Mark: I warned him I wasn't kidding about banning him. And now, we have a NEWER, BETTER, WISER... GREYER Paddy!
Luke: Sod off, Davison! I'm no longer grey! I've got rid of that treacherous white hair and opted for my natural hair colour! But yes, I'll take newer, means I'm younger and more aspiring. I'll take the better and wiser comments too thank you very much!
Mark: Well it was hard to get someone worse than Paddy. That would mean getting Milo in here and sands forbid, the next time I hear his voice I'm just gonna-
Miley: (In the background) Walls are pretty thin, guys...
Mark: Argh!
Luke: Look-where did it all go wrong? Ever since I came here there's been such a tense atmosphere! Considering Paddy is your supposed best friend? Where the fuck did it all go wrong my dear friend?
Mark: Well, it all started on that fateful night in June of 1990...
Luke: Ooooookaaaaay... I think it's about time I hit that lovely Hwarian opening theme on and I draw a ‘tache on and dance of an effigy of a Marvegan, don't you think?
Mark: Dontcha' wanna' hear about that fateful night in June of 1990 first?
Sally: I do!
Mark: Silence, Kazi. I didn't ask you. I asked Paddy. Paddington?
Luke: Wait a minute? 1990? Were you even alive then? I mean, you're all like... 14 years old?
Mark: I was, in fact. I wasn't even a year old yet. Me and Terri barely even aware of our own existences let alone each other's. Anyway, June. 1990. Yes, no?
Luke: I think I get it now! Miley was born then! It was that night that we could all say “Alas, the nightmare commences!”
Mark: No, not quite. Milo's 27 now anyway. It was related to where it all went wrong with Paddy.
Luke: Do we need to know now, or can it wait for later? I want to just smack that  button and cue the opening theme! (Giggles)
Mark: Fine, I'll just say it. It was the terrible tragedy of Mr and Mrs Swanson. Where Mr Spencer Paddington Oswald Swanson the Third's condom broke. And thus! In nine months time, Paddington Oswald Spencer Swanson the Second had been invented out of Heidi Rosemary Caroline Swanson the Fourth’s womb, also known as the laboratory that created hell. And Alterra was never the same again! Screw Milo, as much of a bastard as he is.
(Angry knock at the door)
Miley: I’m hearin’ what you little shits are sayin’ about me! Open up you feckless cowards!
Mark: Ok! Enfield, the intro! HIT IT!
Luke: You'll never take me alive Milo! I'm just an intrigued tourist!



(Loud banging on the door continues)
Miley: Tourist!? Oh I’ll give you a darn good tour this side of my fist to your face! Get out here, you bloody good-for-nothing cowardly bastards!
Mark: While the porcupine is ranting away harmlessly outside, I think we should introduce you, Luke. As per standard Afternoon procedure. I mean after all, there's bound to be some Marvegans out there, sands forbid their existence, who are either barely aware of you... Or not aware of you at all. "Who is Luke Enfield?" They'll ask.
Luke: Who is Luke Enfield? I am Luke Enfield, and I have travelled across the sea to be here today with my very good friend Mark Davison to step in for the absent Paddy Swanson. I'm from Denland too, as you may have guessed, but excuse me for not knowing the dialect around here. I am a businessman, TV and film producer and director currently. I am the man behind Evil Born Evil. It's fairly new to you lot I believe, the Series 1 remakes have began to air over here I believe.
Mark: Indeed they have, we've been big fans of the show since the beginning, and have mentioned the show frequently on our forum. So our hardcorest of fans will totes know who you are! The others who don't? Well, shame on you. Shame on all of you. I'll have Kazi visit your houses and steal all your soap and towels.
Sally: Eh?
Mark: Don't question me. You will do as I say, loyal soap and towel thief. Anyway! Luke, as I have no idea what I can or can't say about your fine self, perhaps you would like to tell the folks at home 5 little it-bit facts about yourself that, maybe even hardcore Crimson fans don't even know. And then afterwards, we can discuss them in more detail.
Luke: For sure! Now, my first interesting fact about myself is... Well, let me think of my least interesting interesting fact so I can build it up. Erm... What was it? Oh yeah! Shall I mention my radio career? I shall. I have 12 years of experience in radio disc jockeying and hosting.
Mark: Indeed we have heard! It's rather odd that we finally have a professional working here in our humble amateur office for the first time ever.
(Banging)
Miley: You think I’m just gonna’ give up and leave you alone!?
Luke: Please... Anyway, second fact. I do in fact follow the footsteps of most of my family actually, they're all involved in business one way or another, definitely my two siblings are.
Mark: Ah yes, your business-oriented family. Again, professionalism and tradition. We here at least demonstrate tradition. Although you guys are in very diverse business ventures, correct?
Luke: Very diverse. But we'll get onto that soon, yes?
Mark: Yes indeedy.
(Violent knocking)
Miley: I’m not going anywhere ‘till you twats get the hell out here and have your asses handed to ya’!
Luke: Number three. You previously mentioned professionalism but I am not exactly as responsible as you may think for my fortune.
Sally: Do you have some sort of dark secret to economical success?
Luke: Maybe I do. Number four, regards my hair. Previously, I had it like a nuclear white tone for a number of years, that wasn't me going grey, it was actually inspired by my favourite all-time CGP1 driver-Jeroen Ingerson, and it was always semi-permanent, never permanent which is why I have my lovely natural colour back, too!  
Mark: For sake of our blinded viewers... Ergo, LISTENERS... Could you perhaps tell them what that natural hair colour is? Especially for those too young to have seen you before the nuclear days.
Luke: Brown.
Mark: Excellent! One word answers, keeping it real!
Luke: Only required one word! Why, did you want the colour chart name for it or something?
Mark: The shade of it, the name of the discoverer of the shade, and it's universal colour code, if you please.
Luke: Sod off, we'll keep it at brown. Then, number five! It's probably not much interesting, I am not a very interesting person I'm afraid, but I have actually lived in Marvega earlier in life. I spent nearly a year in Los Martires!
Mark: A southern state as well! We'd have expected you to come from some bustling metropolis up north in an urban concrete toilet filled with businessmen, businessmen’s wives, businessmen's mistresses and hookers for the businessmen.
Luke: Of course not Mark. Spending my time here though I did spend plenty of time in Archades, Alytna, New Alenfield, New Bruxton, New Insert Whatever Quaint Denevian Town It's Named After Here, yeah. I have spent long enough here to learn about this marvellous country and it's utterly prodigious people!
Mark: I'll pretend I know what that last word meant. It sounded good though, which makes me suspicious as you are widely known as being a dire patriot to Denland, and have some rather particular views about this mighty fine chunk of land that is the almighty UMC.
Luke: My experiences taught me a lot about Marvega. It's a fascinating country, I love it. But, indeed... I do hate it at the same time. I came with my parents here, along with Ralph and Rose, my brother and sister in around... 1993? Back then my father was inaugurated as vice-chairman at Optima Group, which had a headquarters in Marvega in Los Martires. It’s now Archades, but anyway...
Mark: I'll ask you what happened about that in a short moment. Now though, since we've gone through the 5 facts, let's start over and work our way through. So we'll start with what you said first-your radio background.
(Banging)
Miley: You guys think you’re so tough, like you’re the new prodigies of the station. But I’M the king here, man, the fucking KING!
Luke: Alright, alright. I started off working for radio very unprofessionally back in... 1996. It was small-time stuff-Lyonsborough Hospital Radio. I worked there for a couple of months and then I moved onto working for stations such as Radio Diamondshire, Radio Mertonshire, Radio Cramham, Kimdon Borough Radio, and many more in the late '90s.
Mark: Mertonshire!... Sorry about that outburst-Elissa’s hometown. So how did you actually come around to actually going into radio? Did you apply, or did some talent agent pick you up from the subway station?
Luke: It was my auntie who suggested I audition for the hospital radio job, so I did that. I was in University at the time, and this had decent pay and only applied to me for the weekends. It was perfect for me. With this experience, despite my qualifications, I did decide to take my radio career further when I got these opportunities. I toned down a bit on my career at the turn of the century and ventured a bit more into TV, presenting the famous children's TV show such as Python Pecker. At this point I was quite drawn between the two career paths, radio and TV. But I somehow still managed to follow both, joining SBC Radio presenting the breakfast show and filming Python during the weekdays. At SBC Radio I met my good friend Harry Payne, and with us two hosting the show it caught on in the public eye and obtained pretty decent popularity in Denland.
Mark: Ah, of course! Python Pecker. One of Nicky's and Jessie's favourite kids shows... Which I think they still watch in fact. So you did the breakfast show, what would you say is particularly different about that compared to, say, this show right here?
Luke: Erm... well, I wouldn't say it was much different. We had a lot of banter, not swearing though because Denland is obviously a first-world country with laws and obligations, and furthermore, we played music. Otherwise? Yeah, there was a lot of shouting and arguing likewise.
Mark: We're too mafia to care about music, Luke. And we have no FUCKING restrictions so it’s swearing all the way! Call it freedom, buddy... But alright, good. So what made you decide to leave radio? Assuming it wasn't just a mere simple resignation for being tired of it.
Luke: No, you got that right. It was a mere simple resignation because I did get tired. I wanted to venture further. I gave up both TV and radio and what for? TV Production and business of course. But, I will say, it's not bad to be back here one bit. I feel comfortable on radio. Yeah, I can definitely say-it's good to be back.
Mark: Well that's good! It's fresh for us to have someone who's HAPPY to be here and not trapped because I told them I wouldn't pay them if they wussed out. I personally don't see the production and business side being as fun as the presenting and acting sides but, eh, we each have our flavours. Mine's vanilla, ironically. Are we perhaps tempting you to make a permanent comeback at all? A comeback to the big screen and speaker?
Luke: Eeeehhhh... (long pause)... not... yet. I'll say more on that later, but, shows like Eebers are my babies so I need to be committed to them. I wouldn't change my life now if I had to. Well, I'd maybe get myself a new Optima Star box, my old one seems to have packed in, and now I can't watch CURRENT DAY Python Pecker on a Wednesday as that's my golfing afternoon with Hans!
Mark: Hey, we do radio now but we are still committed to our TV shows. Ok, I'll concede, we've been quiet in that region for some time, HOWEVER, we ain't done had enough of it yet matey.
Miley: Think you’re safe ignorin’ me? HUH!? We’ll see how safe you are when I bloody PLOUGH through these crappy hollow walls that you think are protecting you so!
Luke: Shall we move on?
Mark: Sure thing. So, about your siblings then. You mentioned Optima Group before-explain to ye uninformed folk what Optima is and what they do perhaps?
Luke: Oh I think everyone knows what Optima is. Surely? If you don't, it's a huge, multinational, multilingual, venture capital conglomerate company that so happens to be co-lead by my god-awful brother, dear Ralph. Optima's the kind of company that lets people ring people on mobiles, make calls abroad, watch Arcanet porn, ride on a train, fly in the air, travel in space, get laid, you name it.
Mark: And export Kazi to North Almasia?
Sally: Why would you do that to me!?
Mark: To gift you to the poor Almasian prostitutes in time for New Year's. They’d love you.
Sally: What use am I to an Almasian prostitute?
Mark: What use are you to anyone?
Sally: Being the dummy to face discrimination and bullying, apparently.
Mark: Whey! Well that’s perfect, we’ve been looking for one of those!
Sally: Go figure…

Mark: So your sister then Luke. We know what your brother does, inform ye uninformed of Marvega about your sis' too.
Luke: Well, my sister. She's a fashion designer with her own fashion brand-JF Rax. It's a very successful Denevian high-street fashion brand. I would like to say I purchase from my sister but unfortunately I don't have a vagina. She did tempt me to introduce a men's side to JF Rax but it hasn't yet happened.
Mark: Your taste in fashion spreading virally across the nation, everyone on the street seen wearing clothing you design or approve?... (Shudders) Makings of a great horror film. Can I pitch the idea to you?
Luke: Oh, go on then...
Mark: Oh, I was kidding, but uh... Well, it speaks for itself, don't it? How terrifying would it be for a manic Denevian preacher to be in charge of the country's fashion everywhere? Let's just say I hope my family don't survive the endeavour.
Luke: Yes Mark, but that hobo-look is too mainstream. You want woolly jumpers under suit jackets, now and again skinny jeans, or how about a real, authentic brown leather jacket? Then top the look off with some brogues or Kimdom boots, you can't go wrong!
Mark: Woolly jumpers under suit jackets and leather jackets are hobo-approved by me. Skinny jeans and brogues? A fashionally confused emo perhaps.
Luke: Well, I didn't mean all on at the same time. Maybe it sounded like that, but no! But what emo wears brogues anyway? They wear high heels with spikes in them, don't they?
Mark: That's why I said fashionally confused. Yes, that's not a real word, I know. High heels with spikes? Hmm, the damage they could cause appeals to me very much...
Luke: Yeah, that's weird. Move it on.
Mark: Bossy, ain’t ya'? Would you say this to Kazi?
Luke: No, because Sal is nice to me. She hasn't said anything euphemistical, not stepped one foot out of line! You are always mocking my fashion, attitudes and Denevian pride!
Mark: ... Hm! Fine, be that way. Kazi, you are now the boss.
Sally: Yay!
Mark: Now you're responsible for paying everyone their wages too.
Sally: Awww... Ok then. So anyway Luke! Your dark secret to economical success-do tell us. I'm thoroughly intrigued.
Luke: Obviously I was a disc jockey and a TV presenter for most of my working life prior to this event, and, the money was ok. But my big break was all down to my father. You see, he died in 2008 and he was previously the vice-chair of Optima Group. He knew I didn't want to take his role, so he gave it to Ralph. But in his will, instead, he left me a huge wad of his fortune that allowed me to help create my own business-Crimson Media!
Sally: Wow! Well at least some of us have family who love us and look out for us, even after they've passed. I mean, count us lucky, because if we weren't so loved, and so loving in return, we might be left with nothing. Can you imagine what that would feel like?...
Mark: ... Oh! I see what you did there... Fuck you.
Sally: I guess, Luke, your dad was a very great man. Not only took care of you all your life, but helped you achieve... Well, your dream, basically! At least I think so. Was that your dream?
Luke: No, but it's leading up to it. That said, I can't even imagine achieving it without his generosity.
Sally: Ah, so your dream is... Maybe getting a Star Of Fame in Archades? Or making an international blockbuster, something like that?
Luke: No!
Sally: (Timidly) Oh ok, sorry... Moving on then, number four. Erm, your hair? I guess we already covered the why-you-did-that and everything... Ok, number five! You lived in Marvega before, what made you decide to move here in the first place? Being the dedicated patriot to your homeland you are.
Luke: It wasn't my choice. It was a business venture for my father, but he decided to move the whole family here. Firstly, he paid for us to go to a school in Los Martires, which was apparently better than any school in Denland since it cost money, he was quite wrong there. In many ways, it was worse than your traditional Denevian public school. But, that said, Marvegan public schools weren't exactly fantastic.
Mark: That explains a lot about their most recent school graduates...
Sally: Hey, watch it. Eh, I know what you're saying about Los Martires though, it's not the finest establishment. I wasn't in a great place either, but not as bad as schools over that way. You mustn't have been there for long anyway though were you, if you weren't even around for a year?
Luke: Of course not, I left pretty soon since my father decided it weren't best for us or my mother, so we all went back to Denland. Life was better there, personally. In Los Martires, my mother used to sit by the door all day bless her, fearing the worst. We weren't in the worst area, but even in the more wealthy areas things were still grim. You'd have hobos raiding bins, checking if car doors were unlocked, and some even jacking them. What a zoo...
Sally: It isn't THAT bad anymore. It's... Still not a brilliant place, except further off the west end of the state. It's further out of the way, that's why. Still, each to their own plot of land I guess. I prefer the eastern states myself.
Luke: Well, I beg to differ. The west is still the best for me, it was just... Los Martires. The mid-west and the east is boring, apart from Alytna though... I love Alytna. It's the only Marvegan place I truly love, even it's people! I did go there in my time, but mostly the family holiday was spent in Alytna or perhaps somewhere in east Barmera or Alemloland.
Sally: Ah yes, I forgot you do have some love for Barmera. It's a lovely place, isn't it? I used to take Spring Break up there. Now, I just like to go up there when I get time. Just to go for walks, laze around in a park somewhere, just to be outside. It's a beautiful environment.
Luke: The environment is spectacular. It has monumental views. Literally, absolutely, astonishingly, amazingly... astounding! And it's people? They're lovely too, Barmera is great. Their accents are so fuzzy and splendid too, much less broad, less in your face kind of thing, more soothing.
Sally: Mmm, indeed.
Mark: I will third that. I can't stand in-your-face type people. No jokes about me please, I mean the REALLY bad ones. Like bloody Wiley-Miley-I-Never-Fucking-Smiley.
(Incredibly loud bang)
Miley: Don't think I'm not still listenin'!? I'll break this damn door down if I have to! I don't care, they won't fire me! They know they need me 'round here 'cause everyone in the country loves me. And WHY? 'CAUSE I SPEAK THE TRUTH! No matter what I do, they can't take me. And that includes breaking in here!
(Another loud bang. The door sounds like it's weakening)
Mark: I gone darn had enough of this tosspot...
Luke: Fuck it, I'm off home...
Mark: Oh, you wanna' go out through that door? Go on then buddy, go say hi to Milo for us, I'm sure he'd LOVE to make your acquaintance too.
Luke: I want to know why this radio station hires clowns like him for a start!
Miley: I told ya', ya' little Denevian rat! 'Cause this station would be NOTHIN' without me!
Mark: Actually Milo, last I checked, you were now out of fashion and Chase Swift was the talk of the station. So NYEH!
Miley: Always knew there hadda' be a reason you guys go so pally with 'im...
Mark: The station just hasn't come to realise who's in and who isn't these days. Though Miley still has the highest fanbase out of everyone here...
Luke: Chase Swift sounds like someone with a vagina...
Mark: You did not seriously just say that, about Chase? Chase is awesome! He's cool, he's funny, he's a real stand-up guy! And he is completely, entirely, guaranteed, 100% vagina-less.
Luke: I never said he wasn't cool, funny... awesome... whatever! He's a bloke, case closed. Now, can we move on?
(Door bangs again)
Miley: Hell yes I'd like to move on! I'm moving IN! To teach you guys a lesson or two about showing me some bloody respect!
Mark: Stay back, Herring! You know fine well what the dog’s like when you’re around!
Miley: The dog? I just saw Maria taking it for a walk earlier! You’re out of luck, pal.
Mark: Who said Angelo was here? We have another… More ferocious animal in this office. I warn you, she’s very rabid!
Miley: Oh, really!? Like I’m supposed to believe that?
Mark: (Quietly) Kazi, roar.
Sally: Rawr.
Mark: No, not like that! I mean go to the door and bark and howl and pretend to be a rabid dog.
Sally: Pretend to be a rabid dog?
Mark: … Oh, right. Sorry, don’t pretend, just be the one you usually are.
Sally: What!? How dare-
Mark: C’mon sweetheart don’t fail me now, DO IT!
Sally: (Sighs and gets up to go to the door)
Miley: And what the hell are you guys squabblin’ about now? Just give yourselves up on a nice platter for me to indulge my fist into.
Mark: Was that a euphemism?
(Manic and truly horrid sounding growling and barking in the background-Sally’s impressions)
Miley: Fuck ME! I dunno what the hell kinda’ monster you have in there, but it sounds bloody vile and disgustin’!
Sally: HEY!
Mark: Yeah, that’s uh… Kazi’s dog you’re talkin’ about. And it LOVES devouring pompous pricks with… black hair… and… money… and… popularity… AND V-NECK SWEATERS!
Miley: Oh shit…
Mark: Yeah, shove that in your ego and… Smoke it… Meanwhile, how about a nice break?

Man: This program is brought to you by The Unhappy Cat Society.
(Sad music plays)
Man: Across Alterra, more than 200000 cats are treated poorly by their owners or abandoned completely every year. The Unhappy Cat Society is an organisation dedicated to saving those furry felines in need. Thanks to your support, these cats can experience love again with new owners who care for them. And from them…
Cat: Mrooow!
Man: We say thank you. Find out more about us at theunhappycat.ma.
Cat: Meow.

(Long silence)
Mark: ... I think he's given up now. I was considering us retreat into the loft space. Our Mark & Paddy Emergency Broadcast Shelter is up there, but that's fine.
Luke: Ah, I was tempted to be on my way on that sacred first plane back to Lystow but ah... I can only hope all will be well now. It's quite surreal, getting used to this tripe, you know. It's been some time since I last spent time in Marvega. Well, this part of Marvega at least.
Mark: Gotta' learn to rough it in this place. Survival of the fittest! Only the bravest live on! The fiercest and meanest of all this town's-... Ok, I'm done.
Luke: You know, I thought about going to one of those dickheads that live in underground shelters and have access to all types of shit for Armageddon, I thought safety first was key. I may live to regret my decision of running out of that place fast. He may have been loaded with meth, but at least he could've saved my life, potentially.
Mark: I'll ask if Jamie will take care of you in the apocalypse then. He doesn't have meth mind, just Tic-Tocs. I'd let you join me but... Well, last week we established I'm getting ripped apart by Barry the Big Scary-Ass Motherfucking Bear.
Luke: It's funny you say that, I imagine staying here just like the experience in that zombie game you reviewed. It's all 1 simolean shops or “stores” so to speak here, and scary shop assistants with eerie movements in their 'tache.
Mark: What kind of a joint do you think we live in? It's Emerald City, not the bloody Fifth Gate of Hell!
Luke: I've told you! I don't know half the shit that goes off down here!
Mark: You've plenty to learn. I mean, look at Kazi here.
(Brief silence)
Mark: ... You're right, this place is a hellhole turned sour.
Sally: Gee, thanks...
Luke: Sally duck, do you think Mark's attitude towards you gives a great sense of community spirit in this lovely neighbourhood?
Sally: (Unconvincing, as if she’s been told to say this) Oh yes. He's the most inspiring and motivational man I've ever met. It doesn't say a lot for the other poor saps I've encountered, buuut...
Mark: What does that make John then?
Sally: Besides John.
Mark: Aha!
Sally: (Sighs)
Luke: John...?
Mark: You know, Kazi's really ancient boyfriend from yester-month who we talked about last Afternoon. Hey! Maybe you know 'im? He's your age, give or take.
Sally: 33.
Mark: Ah, sorry, too young.
Luke: That's only THREE years! The expression “give or take” can still be used for a THREE-year age gap!
Mark: But it's WHICH three year gap we're talking. I mean, you and John are kinda' like separating dinosaurs and the 19th century. While I'm late 20th century, and Kazi is... Well, spores and aliens on the mothership.
Luke: Sal, how can you tolerate this!? You have a lack of respect for your elders, Davison! In fact, I'M NOT EVEN ELDERLY! I'm 36 years YOUNG! You and me, right? I'm 36, you're 24. We're separated by a 12-year-old. That is all, amigo...
Mark: Ok, first of all: I love elderly people, they do great knitting. I even have a beautiful rug in the back of Bobbie The Escapade, presumably made by an elderly being. Second of all: Respect for my elders and respect for Kazi are two completely different things as she's 18. Third of all: I love Kazi. She's a wonderful computer geek turned anime-loving emo from outer space with a wicked middle name. Fourth of all: “separated by a 12-year-old” is a very weird sounding statement. And LASTLY of all: ... Oh, I think that was it.
Luke: I hope I'm mistaken, then. I shall be monitoring you, Mark. Any snidey remarks about having a grey-hair in the room or something along those lines, I am off back to Denland where people speak PROPER DENEVIAN and stand in queues! Isn't that right, Sally? PROPER Denevian!
Sally: Just like I was saying in the last show. (Giggles) I could get used to this! Having a chatty and colourful Denevian guy in the room. Suki would just love you.
Mark: Paddy, Kazi... Please. Just... (Sighs)
Luke: Oh, well I'd love to meet Suki, too! We should open up a class over here, Denevian speaking classes right? I can be the tutor, and have you and Suki as my splendid assistants?
Sally: And Francis too! He's good at speaking that royal accent. He's been teaching Danni pretty well.
Mark: I get it, this is what death feels like.
Luke: Oh, splendid! I do say my dear! Ahem... (in posh Denevian accent)... one man that goes by the name of Lucas Enfield of That Is A Splendid Quaint Town In, erm, not Northern Denland, I'd say, Middle East Denland of Faunton is amused! AAAAAAAHHH GOODNESS GRACIOUS YES!
Sally: Indeed and rightly so, my good sir! Oh, I don’t believe I have felt such elation in a good long while! This is certainly one thrilling experience I dare say I had not previously intended on partaking in, and yet in retrospect I shall say that I am thoroughly exhilarated at such!
Mark: (Groans) Shut up Kazi!
Sally: … Whoops, sorry.
Mark: If there's any listeners still out there, yes, this is still An Afternoon With Mark, Sally I guess, and... I dunno, some bloke. We're gonna' cut to the news, weather and sports right now. We'll be back with you in a mo-ho. Or, at least, SOME of us will be...
Luke: All hail Denland!
Mark: Whatever.



Nicky: On tonight’s news! Selvan’s Winter Warming Fete is kicking off as we speak, and if we just check the Moonstone traffic cams we have set up over there, we see… WOW! A WHOLE mess of cars EVERYWHERE! I see Hunka’s all gridlocked, lots and lots of Hunkas. Or are they Yomoshotos? Hm. I also see a Thalassa that’s broken down, oh dear oh dear oh dear… Traffic is horrendous, that’s what I’m saying. Is a catastrophe! So much for the council controlling the flow by reducing parking. If anything, it’s even worse! Elsewhere, the solitary bus from The Wasteland to Emerald City was tested earlier this week, and immediately reclaimed after one journey when they found that the bus overheated 40 miles into the journey, both ways. They are looking into this error in order to refine this incredibly bustling and useful service. Sightings of the giant dogs in Freedom County continue as they have for the last few weeks, with some concerned citizens now arming up to tackle them on their own. Good luck, warriors! We also find the New Year’s market starting to set up this week in Hendersfield AND in Calohendra for the first time in 17 years. The turnouts are expected to be phenomenal all through the season and people have already gone to see the places before they’re even open! They say they aim to begin either this Tuesday or Wednesday, and claim to bring back Fred Gotherburg the magician as the centre act this year, and The Screamers are headlining the live concert that takes place on the 28th of December. Now, the travel!

Nicky: STAY CLEAR OF SELVAN! It is the asphalt HELL on Alterra right now! And that concludes the travel. Now, THE WEATHER!
Floyd: And it’s a bright hot day in Selvan! Hope your air conditioning works when you’re trapped in the queues folks! Meanwhile in Kelderhope, Emerald City is now with cloud. Lots of cloud. Is very cloudy. Is like a sheep plague in the sky. Lots of diseased sheep with no legs or faces. Very fluffy too. These fluffy minions are remaining as fluffy and as numerous for some time, at least until tomorrow late afternoon, where we may get a bit of drizzle. Maybe some mizzle. Some slush. Oooh, I could fancy a slushy right now, I’m quite parched. Did you know you can make ice cream in a special way to make it like a slushy? Yeah! I’ve tried it, it worked. A successful experiment. I also experimented the other day to make ice cream less vulnerable to temperature-melt less and not grow pieces of ice chips inside when they re-freeze. It’s a work in progress, so far I’ve only achieved it to make it melt slower, but it goes more gooey… Can be a bit messy to eat afterwards. That stain still won’t come out of my shirt.
Mark: (In the background) Get back to the fucking weather!
Floyd: Oh, right! Erm… Back to cloud for Monday though! Cloud. Lots of cloud. Fluffy plagued sheep. Lots of them. Watch out! They’re coming! THEY’RE COMING TO GET US!
Mark: FLOYD!
Floyd: Oh right, sorry. They’re friendly plagued sheep though, honest, they promise sunny spells through the week by the looks. Alright, now the sports!



(Beep)
Lizzie: Sorry everyone, I’m trying to connect to Steve’s device.
Mark: Was that a euphemism?
Lizzie: (Giggles) Behave! Ok, here we go…
(Crackle of static)
Steve: Alright, here we go. Broadcasting to you guys from Azaria. The sports, well, there’s not been many games this week. In fact, only two in the AFCL and one in the MBA. In the AFCL then, Abbeyway played a slightly mundane game as reviewed by fans against Brentstone. Mundane, but they still won, though with a score of just 1-0 and no extra time. Whilst Brookhaven lost to Charleston with a close score of 3-2, having 3 minutes of extra time. In the MBA, the Juniper Koalas beat the Nolan Boars 23-19, which saved them from being bottom of the league, who is now the Longston Bay Turtles who are 7 points behind the Koalas as of present. Can the Turtles prevail in their upcoming match against the Idoen Marshalls? Stay tuned to find out. Well that’s all we have now, back to you folks in the studio! Time to disconnect… Somehow… Lizzie, help please?
Lizzie: Trying, I’m trying.
(Harsher crackle of static then dial tone)
Lizzie: Would have been easier if I had T.A.C.T. up yet.

Mark: ... We're back! Ok, is this Alterra again? Am I alive?
Luke: There's one thing before the news and sports that I picked up on, Sally.
Mark: It appears not…
Sally: What was that?
Luke: I wouldn't call us royals, considering our monarchy went down the shitter over two hundred years ago now! But ah-YEEES! Denevian speaking classes are coming to southern Marvega! You'll be swapping your “stores” for “shops”!
Sally: Actually, funnily enough, I already called them shops... Strange, I don't have one bit of Denevianism in me.
Mark: Am I dead or something? Can nobody hear me?... Ah, thank fuck for that, now I can relax... No I won't, I'm gonna' kick some people in the faces.
Luke: All hail Denland!
Mark: The ghost of Mark Davison has something to say. Didn't you once used to be all like "ALL HAIL RODHERLANDERSVILLESHIRE!"? What happened with all that? Jump ship?
Luke: Ah, I'm not Fauch per se, that was just a phase where I said to myself, “You know what? I've ran out of things to say about myself. So I'm going to pull out my wildcard and reveal my ancestry.”
Mark: So you're a fake Faucher then?
Luke: Well, yes and no. Am I Fauch? The simple answer? No, I was born in Denland, the two previous generations of my family are Denevian on my mother's side, my father's side, well they're mainly Denevian and a bit Riberican but, I am officially Denevian.
Mark: Oh, great. Stay tuned folks, 'cause in 2014, it's gonna' be "All Hail Riberiatown!"
Luke: Well, I do have a HQ ready and waiting for me in Illibesia, whether I'll use it or not anytime soon is the question on everyone's lips but, Riberia is nice! A bit Seemoonist for me, but nice!
Sally: Oh really? What are you planning to do over there?
Luke: I had a film but that uh, fell through a bit. Ah, a lot. I might blow it up for fun, upload it to the Arcanet too. I'll get more views on that than I ever would with the shitty film idea I had...
Mark: Wait a minute... This isn't the same idea that involved a certain desert with a certain getaway driver and a certain undercover cop with a certain person you asked to play a certain role a certain time ago?
Luke: What!? Nooo, not at all. I have no idea what you're talking about. And oh, I've realized that, yep... I can't blow it up after all. I will need it, quite soon in fact. But more on that at a later date. Not much later obviously, because it's quite soon, but, later, as in... later. (Awkward chuckle)
Mark: Alright. Well, that's lovely. As lovely as a purple haired girl prancing towards the horizon during a sunset with a cape in tow and a young blonde boy lagging behind.
Luke: Yep.
Mark: Sadly... SADLY... We gotta' move along. See, the STD was a bit disappointing last Afternoon, we felt it wasn't "catchy" enough. No pun intended, regular STDs can be caught quite easily if you find an unclean whore on the street corner. So this time we've decided to bring it forward in the show's schedule and hope we can come up with something more interesting. Paddy, are you ready?
Luke: Paddy? Paddy!? Oh, yeah! I'm Paddy! Obviously, newer, better, wiser, and FITTER! Yes Mark, a Paddy is ready!
Mark: Kazi! The Spinner, if you may. Spin, girl, SPIN!
Sally: Ok, spinning…
Mark: SPIN IT!

The Spinner Topic Discussion

(Spinner spins)
Mark: Now tell me, sweet pea, what do we have on the topics today?
Sally: Um... Today Mark, we have animals.
Mark: (Gasps) LES ANIMAUX!
Luke: LES ANIMAUX INDEED!
Mark: RIGHT! Well, this one should hopefully be good. Who wants to start us off then?
Luke: So, we're reviewing an animal?
Mark: No, no, Paddy. Les Animaux. The Spinner. Les Animaux. The Spinner topic is simply a topic in which for us to discuss together as a loving and wholesome group. Les Animaux. So basically we can talk about what animals we have, what we like, don't like, etc. Les Animaux. Anything to do with animals. Les Animaux.
Luke: Ah, I read you. My bad. Well, my animals then. Can I start off?
Mark: By all means! Remember, Les Animaux.
Luke: Les Animaux, Luke. Les-fucking-Animaux. Right, I'm going to start off with a recent event of mine regarding Rumpers Jr. Now for all of you who know a little island called Denland-yes, it invaded you three centuries ago-I had a motoring show over there called RPM, quite evidently an abbreviation of revolutions per minute.
Sally: Yeah, we watched that. Aw, I really enjoyed that. Such a good show, so short-lived. Sad...
Luke: Yeah... whatever. Now, many of you may remember we had a fat dog on it called Rumpers, and later Rumpers Sr., because that's when Rumpers Jr. arrived, also known as... Crimson! Now according to a former work colleague of mine, it was under his ownership. I bought the doggy off him but then he threatened to take me to court because I hadn't paid the “full amount” for him, which originally was 560 goldvessel which I rightly paid, but then it later arose that the price was in fact 5600 goldvessel. As you may have imagined, an Enfield was not amused.
Mark: 5600 goldvessel? As adorable as Rumpers Jr. is, don't we agree, that's extreme. Was he a Golden Retriever that was ACTUALLY made of gold?
Luke: Well, you can't put a price on the cute little bugger, but I was prepared to pay it. By then this testicle had fucked off back to Maulinia, leaving me very, very, very heartbroken indeed... I had no doggy, and after my partner left me, I had no one to turn to!
Sally: So you had no pets?
Mark: No Les Animaux?
Mark and Sally: Awww...
Luke: NO LES ANIMAUX! NOOOO! But... fear not amigos. Things were about to look up. An Enfield looked in the classifieds section of The New Letter, and found the most adorable Cauvigny Shepherd ever! And I called him... Ronnie! He's just an 'ikkle 'wikkle animaux! Would you believe that? The tiniest, 'ikkle 'wikkle 'pikkle animaux!?
Sally: Aw! How 'ikkle 'wikkle we talkin'?
Luke: Erm, about 10 inches... Anyway, he was called Ronnie. And you know, he's the best behaved 'ikkle 'wikkle doggy in all of Alterra! I was really surprised, Cauvignys are supposed to be the most boisterous doggies known to man, but no, Ronnie was just so comfortable in my living quarters. And well, you'll probably feel a bit intimidated, but he sleeps with me in my bed so I don't get deprived of company!
Mark: No, I totes understand that. I mean I sometimes sleep with a Desert Cat in my bed too, they're awfully warm and snuggly on a cold night.
Sally: Erm, I'm not sure that that's... Quite... The same as what Luke's saying here, but... Erm... Ok.
Luke: Ah, you see... all that hair, couldn't do with it in my face. My Ronnie has a smooth head, smooth enough to feel beans in it!
Mark: That's... Put me off eating beans for the next week now. But hey, there's nothing nicer than smelling Maria's hair at night. It's like lavender, makes heavy insomniacs like me even feel relaxed enough to sooth into a nice slumber. See how much teddy bears change as we grow up? Terri may disagree, but the rest of us do change up our teddy bears. I swapped out my thread-bare tigers for attractive blonde women, for example.
Luke: How has that put you off eating beans!?
Mark: Whenever I eat beans, I will now imagine a dog's head with small lumps in its head, presumably its skull bones. Makes my fingers cringe too, just the thought of the feel.
Luke: No, he's actually full of beans!
Mark: You feed him beans?
Luke: No, he's made of them!
Mark: Wait... You mean... Urgh, for fuckssake...
Sally: You mean he's a soft toy?
Luke: Well... yes. I guess I do!
(Long silence)
Luke: What?
Mark: ... (Bursts into laughter) Wow, just... Wow. That's um, quite a classic. (Continues laughing) Peter W. Walsh on a boat... (Slightly out of breath) Agh, ja-heez, that was a good one. I think that's actually made my afternoon.
Sally: Hang on. So... You bought a beanie baby animaux from a classified ad?
Luke: Well, you mentioned teddy bears, and... I just had to. I'm sorry for lying! Ronnie is not real. Well, he is! But he’s made in South Almasia, he's hand washable! What's not to like about that? He doesn't slobber all over my bed, I don't have to feed him! It's all good. And erm, no. That was a lie, Sal. I can't bring myself to buying a new doggy in my current circumstances. I do need the company, but I'm afraid I'm not having a dog in my new house until I get this deal with the maid sorted.
Sally: Wow, a maid. I wonder what it would be like to have one of them.
Mark: Come by the caravan, Kazi. I'll make you at least know what it's like to BE the maid.
Sally: Har-har, thanks but no thanks... Thanks.
Mark: So... That's your Les Animaux then Luke? Or lack thereof. A hand-washable, South Almasian beanie Les Animaux.
Luke: A hand-washable, South Almasian beanie Les Animaux indeed. I didn't want to not have anything to contribute to this segment though!
Mark: ... Bloke's got a point!
Luke: Haven't I just? And you know what? When I get a real life Ronnie... I can give the cuddly toy Ronnie to real life Ronnie to play with! It's a win-win situation, a Davison!
Mark: A blissful picture, I can already see it now, ah...
Sally: ... You ok there?
Mark: Yes, thank you Sandra.
Sally: Huh?
Mark: .. Oh, it’s you Kazi. I think we should move on... Luke! Sparky or Kazi, you decide who's next!
Luke: I want to listen to Salla-walla-bang-bang for once!
Mark: Oh, great...

Sally: Ok! Well, I have no animaux right now either. Aw. But! When I was a little girl, mum got me this WONDERFUL Labrador/Lurcher cross puppy called Salem. Aw he was the best. Bestest friend I could ever ask for.
Luke: And what happened to him?
Sally: He had to be put down when I was 16. He was only 13 years old, but he had some sort of a liver problem, and it couldn't be cured. It was heartbreaking to see him so damaged and suffering... I think I cried for three days, not once leaving my room. Even my mum left me sandwiches outside my bedroom door, that's how bad it was on me.
Luke: Oh no! I couldn't wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy! I'm really sorry to hear that, Sal. Maybe heaven had better plans for him!
Sally: I hope so. He was with me my entire childhood. Stuff that, I've not really long left my childhood, since I'm still in my teens technically. Which means Salem's been with me most of my life so far... I'll always love him more than anything in the world, but it does make me think of getting a dog in the future. I mean even Angelo loves me, and she's a wonderful dog. A "Wonderdog" as Mark calls her. But eh, not sure if Suki would let me have a dog in the flat.
Luke: Alright. Whatever decision you make, I'm sure it'll be the best. Of course, Salem cannot be replaced, but every doggy deserves the right to be treasured!
Sally: Of course! "Vive Les Animaux!" I couldn't imagine my childhood without a dog constantly jumping on me and pinning me to the ground. He was so full of energy, and very strong! Stronger than me at least, I'm not that strong. Oh but he was such a softy though!
Luke: Ah, I love such boisterous doggies sometimes. I mean, sometimes I really can't do with it, but on the other hands there are times that I simply can't do without it! Ah, Crimson... he used to be like Salem in many ways...
Sally: A toast to the doggies of our lives!... Erm... I don't have a glass, but I'll toast anyway!
Mark: I'll toast! I have my apple & raspberry juice right here.
Luke: Yes, I have a cup of tea now gone cold... aha, well... TO THE DOGGIES OF OUR LIVES!
(Silence as they drink)
Mark: ... That tea taste alright?
Luke: Don't worry, some of the best things on Alterra are served cold. It's not the worst tea I've had, though. (Coughs)
Mark: Not a fan myself, hot or cold, so I'm just gonna' have to take your word for it. Me and Terri, famously, are more milkshake people.
Luke: Milkshakes!? Well, I suppose you haven't completed puberty yet...
Mark: Steady on there. An insult to me is an insult to Terri. And we wouldn't want to speak ill of wor Tigger now would we? Especially after everything the three of us have been through.
Luke: Why so serious? So, Mark. Let's move onto your Les Animaux. LES ANIMAUX! I hate the Maulinians by the way, ladies and gentlemen listeners in Marvega and all over the world.
Mark: Oh I wouldn't say that, there are some very hot Maulinian chicks in the world... Ahem. Anyway, my Les Animaux. MY Les Animaux! MES LES ANIMAUX!... Well, I never had any aminals when I was younger. Yes, I said aminals deliberately, that's mine and Jessie's cutesy word. My mam had her horses, and hamsters at one point. Dad had a couple ducks. All I had was Tigger Tiger... Terri, basically. Only pets I've ever had are the ones I have now-Moggie, who is a 3 year old Karetian Forest Cat and of course Angelo The Wonderdog, Saint Of Kelderhope. She's only a year old.

Luke: So Moggie and Angelo? So Moggie then, such an imaginative name for a cat (chuckles) Boy or a girl?
Mark: A girl. They both are in fact. Yes, Angelo is a girl although she's called Angelo. I'll explain that in a moment. Moggie is in fact officially called Mog, simply. Moggie is just the nickname that caught on with everyone. I named her after the children's TV show character Mog, who was the curious cat. Famously known as the only children's character to die in its show. Traumatised me for life that did.
Luke: She doesn't so happen to be named after an ex-girlfriend of yours that you met on an online virtual game, does she?
Mark: I'm sure I don't know what you're suggesting Luke. Terri and Chrissie are, to date, the only official girlfriends I've had. I will admit I've had... "unofficial" relationships with other girls in periods of being single, but um... Mog may be the screen name of an old friend I used to know and have a “thing” for, who I LATER met again online after we lost touch, only to find her vanish again forever after some time... It was a sad day. Clearly, the only rational thing to do was to name a cat after her.
Luke: Right, jolly good. I wasn't quite convinced. But the death of Mog was extraordinarily heartbreaking, as Mark and I know how tragic it was. So, now we're going to enlighten the listeners on Angelo. Mark-why have you gave a bitch a man's name?
Mark: I'm sure there's a "Your Ma'" joke in there, but I'll leave it be. Basically, I saw Angelo in a pet shop in Lake Kinneas. Not physically in the lake, that would be absurd. It was BY the lake. She was just an icle puppy at the time, but I wanted her so bad. I had to ship over to Denland though to film for Evil Born Evil, so I couldn't have her. And they couldn't hold onto her for me either. It was tense, but lo and behold, I got back to find her still there. She was so happy to see me, you could tell she remembered me. So I bought her! The uh... Shop did tell me she was a he though. So I promptly named her Angelo, after a dog sidekick in an old video game series from when I was a kid. It didn't strike me to "inspect" the gender area, nor did it catch my eye at any point either. By the time I found out, it was already too late. Hence her full name-Angelo The Wonderdog, Saint Of Kelderhope. Wonderdog is her unofficial breed. She's uhm... A cross between an Alsatian... And a Border Collie. OR, as it is impossible to determine after a few months from birth, she could be a Honetian Shepherd, as they are very closely related and pretty much identical. So she's either, and so I just call her a Wonderdog. Saint Of Kelderhope? Another reference to said game series, nothing more.
Luke: So she... is... a he? Angelo is... not a bitch... after all? You just try to convince yourself and others for the rest of your life that Angelo the Wonderdog does wonders on your brain because SHE is not exactly what SHE is.
Mark: No, she IS a she. She's a SHE. We WERE TOLD she was a he at first, hence the name. But turns out she was a she all along. So Moggie, with Angelo, and of course Maria-I am the only male living in my caravan.
Luke: You have checked? No dangling bits on either of your pets? No dangling bits on Maria?
Mark: Checked and confirmed. All gals. Especially Maria. If she was concealing something, surely I'd have noticed it in bed. And if there WAS anything, many people who admired her on KOTD would be quite uncomfortable right about now.
Luke: You have checked Maria for dangling bits? Well ladies and gentlemen, everything is coming out this afternoon! I'm boiling to death, thank heavens my tea is cold, but for the moment I forgot the heat was in the room when I was told these startling facts about Mark's life.
Mark: Well I haven't SEEN down there, but, when we're spooning... It feels very smooth down there, that's how I can confirm there's nothing there. Same with Jessie! I only know because of what I feel... or DON'T feel as is the case... When we cuddle! Kazi too! Though I've not cuddled Kazi in bed, just as regular cuddles from close friends get. I sense the hole getting deeper here...
Luke: Right, well enough about spooning, feeling down there and a hole getting deeper. I dread to think what the hole is that you're describing, you must have felt down there to find I presume?
Mark: Uh... Well Kazi offered hers up for feeling to me and Paddy last Afternoon to make sure...
Sally: Hey! Now you're just taking that out of context-!
Mark: But the only ones I've felt are the other two. BUT! BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT! THAT is only because when we spoon, or cuddle, I may have accidentally grazed my hand there for a split second.
Luke: This is giving me many JOYOUS ideas for my segment coming up soon! Anyway... this whole... HOLE... haha, pardon the pun. Yes, this whole thing is... mmm, concerning, especially that my niece Sal here is prepared to offer hers to you and Paddy last Afternoon. And you know? I would've expected to have seen it by now, so Kazi, come on and get it out!
Mark: Calling her your niece, and telling her to "whip it out" in the same sentence is just... As bad as when you said a 12-year-old separated you and me. Worse, even. Not to mention that it’s also a lie and you are not in fact of any relation.
Luke: Yes Mark, but I think it's appropriate to be an uncle-figure to you lot rather than a father-figure, because of the 12 year age gap. If you like, I mean, it's still wrong... but maybe Steve can be the father, and I'll be the younger brother.
Mark: This would ruin any chance of a Steve romance... CHANCE, or a roMANCE. Sorry for the rhyme. Are you really prepared to do that? Even if he IS over in Azaria with a certain missus right now?
Luke: Oh goodness, I'm not sure... but it's up to you. Would you rather have an uncle that spends 99.5% of his time in Ryone, or a father that spends 99.5% of his time in Ryone?
Mark: I already have a father who spends 100% of his time in Ryone. Not that I often own up to having any parents at all. But I don't want to be related to Kazi though. Not after all the somewhat sexual comments we've made of each other in the past.
Sally: ... Whoops, sorry.

Mark: First Luke, you need to decide if you're my father/uncle, or Kazi's. Or whoever the bugger's.
Luke: Well, I don't want to upset anybody. And if I'm to be the father, who is to be the mother?
(Long silence)
Mark: ... I'd have said Miriam, if she hadn't tried to get me in the bath once before. If Miriam's the mother, Kazi has to be the kiddo.
Sally: Why?
Mark: (Sings) 'Cause Kazi's mom, has got it going on... Uh... Actually no, forget I said that.
Luke: Stop saying that word.
Mark: What word?
Luke: “Mom”
Mark: Well, being from Neath, I'd say "MAM". However, "MOM" is what they actually say in the song! (Continues to sing) Kazi's mom, has got it going on! She’s what I want, and I’ve waited for so long! Kazi can't you see, you're just not the girl for me. I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Kazi's mom!
Luke: Well, Denevianise it... Just like we did when we came across this country, and then the Maulinians, West Sarbodians and Ribericans came to ruin it. Anyway, say “mother” or “mum” like a Denevian should say, isn't that right Sal? Or yes, indeed “mam” if you come from Neath or Cramham. And something peculiar is coming out again, since apparently Kazi's mother, implied to be Miriam has got it going on. One begs the question whether Mark got more than he bargained for in the bath encounter!
Mark: Well... I won't go into the details of WHAT happened in that bath, but... Yes, yes I did get more than what I bargained for... (Sings poshly) Sally's mother, has clearly got something occurring. It's what one desires, and I've desired for an acceptable proportion of time. Sally, do you not visualise that you are not the female humanoid I wish to take. It may be incorrect, but I feel affection for Sally's mother... See what happens when you Denevianise a formerly classic tune?
Luke: You don't have to speak like that you half-wit. Take a moment to think about the Kimdonians... that's a borough of Lystow for those of you not in the know. (Sings) Sally's ma’, has got a big fat bra. It's what 'ah like, 'cause it's bigger than a jar. Sally can't you see, you ain't got the juice fo’ me! I know it ain't cool, but I think Sally you are a tool!
Sally: ...
Mark: Awww now, even I feel Kazi's hurting there. Come Kazi, give me a cuddle... Whilst I am in love-lock, I would like to say that Miriam's bra is in fact C-cup, so I wouldn't call that "fat." Just clarifying.
Luke: Sal knows she isn't a tool. I couldn't think of anything to rhyme, but besides... If a man from Kimdon believes that you're a tool, then basically that's just his way of saying... I want to hop into bed with someone a bit more mature!
Mark: Kazi's incredibly mature, who doesn't want to get into bed with... That? Uhm... Kazi's blushing now. What I meant was, how bloody mature do these Kimdon twats want their wenches? Peter bloody Walsh on a boat...
Luke: I don't know... never mind, I'm sure you'd have a better experience with a fat hairy twat from Kimdon as opposed to a very fat, very hairy and very twatty Marvegan bloke... I think that means it's time to conclude LES ANIMAUX!
Mark: What about a fairly slim, only slightly hairy twattish Denevian guy who LIVES in Marvega? Would Kazi like him... Fuck it, don't answer that. Yes, ok, it's best we do conclude I think. Hit an advert!
(Loud bang)
Mark: OW! Hit the desk too hard...

Man: Are YOU ready for New Year’s? Ready to enjoy your dinner with all your family in one room together, happily?
(Silence)
Man: Yeah, us neither.
(Silence)
Man: That’s why, on New Year’s Eve and Day, Jo, Josh and Stan from MRLD are teaming up with MRUD’s Jackie and Dick to bring you two quality charity live streams from 6pm to 2am, PICC-5, on both nights. With entertainment like this, who needs family?
Grandma: Oh dearie, are you coming to join me and your mother around the fire while we all cuddle together for the festive movie?
Grandson: No! Fuck you Nan! I’m off to listen to the Maestro Radio live stream!
(Door slams)
Grandson: Finally!
Man: Listen in and watch the podcast on ans.mrld-radio.ma/live, or on ans.mrud-radio.ma/live.

Mark: Luke’s gone for a short stroll ‘round town to see what’s going on in the wondrous UMC, to see what’s changed since his younger memories. Meanwhile, it’s just me here.
Sally: And me!
Mark: … And you…
Sally: Yeah, that’s right. Don’t think you’re forgetting me any time soon.
Mark: … Who are you again?
Sally: Funny.
Mark: Seriously, who let this freaky blonde broad into my studio?
Sally: “Freaky”!?
Mark: I mean c’mon, what is this? This is a girl, right?
Sally: Who are you talking to?
Mark: AGH! DON’T SPEAK TO ME! Go back to your home planet you scary looking monster!
Sally: … But I…
Mark: Go on! Get! GET!
(Sally gets up and leaves)
Mark: (Sighs with relief)
(Sally comes back)
Mark: Oh Kazi, thank THE SANDS! There was this really scary alien motherfucker in your seat just now… I’m SO GLAD YOU’RE BACK!
Sally: Erm… Thanks… I think. Thanks for the hug too, but… Could you… Maybe just… Not squeeze me so tight? Hard to breathe…
Mark: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Sally: Yes, hi guys, it’s Sally again. Or… “Kazi” I guess.
Mark: Good girl.
Sally: Please stop patting my head…
Mark: Sorry. Where’d the dunce cap go? That’s your work uniform.
Sally: Dunno. Anyway, may I introduce Helen?
Mark: No.
Sally: Why not?
Mark: Because I’M going to. May I introduce, into the office, Helen?
Sally: … I suppose.
Mark: Brilliant! Because she’s right here in the studio with us! Hey gorgeous.
Helen: Aw, hi there Mark. Hi Sally.
Sally: Hiya Helen.
Mark: So… Do you, or do you not, have a segment for us today?
Helen: I believe I do!
Mark: Splendid! Tell us what you’re going to be doing today.
Helen: Well in this segment, I give recipes out to people at home to try for themselves. Recipes I personally recommend and have made myself at some point to serve as a Daily Special at the diner I work at part-time. I tell you the recipe, and let you guys here in the studio give a verdict on what you think.
Mark: Tasty! And today’s recipe is?
Helen: Well, something very simple. Cakes.
Mark: Cakes?
Helen: Cupcakes.
Mark: Just cupcakes?
Helen: No, silly. My special Dragon Cupcakes.
Mark: You make them with dragons?
Helen: Well duh, obviously. Who doesn’t?
Mark: …
Sally: She’s kidding, Mark.
Mark: I knew that!… So what DO you do with them that’s special, Helen?
Helen: Aha! Well, my special sugar coating and icing, for one thing. And the homemade jam filling!
Mark: My mouth’s already frothing like Paddy’s when he spaces out.
Sally: Pleasant.
Mark: So why don’t we get started?



Helen: Ok, so here’s the list of things you need, guys. Take notes. We’re using the 100g recipe for this, so that means 100g each of self raising flour, margarine, and sugar.
Sally: Any particular type of sugar?
Helen: To be honest, any kind would do. I prefer to use just caster sugar for this though. And two eggs.
Mark: Any particular type of eggs?
Helen: The ones with the yolks.
Mark: Right. Are they the egg shaped things?
Helen: Yes they are.
Mark: Great. Wow, I’m so smart when it comes to cooking.
Helen: I know you are. You also want some milk. Erm, not a lot. Maybe between 30-40 millilitres. Again, whatever milk is your fancy. I used semi-skimmed, because I find it gives you a lighter and fluffier result than say skimmed would. Oh, and also a drop of extract. People usually use vanilla in their cupcakes, but for my dragon ones, I go with caramel.
Mark: Caramel extract?
Helen: Yes.
Mark: Mmm.
Helen: Of course, the guys at home can stick with vanilla if they wish, you don’t have to follow the exact recipe. I’m just going off what I once experimented with. It was lovely. You need just a teaspoon of it. And a few drops of green food colouring.
Mark: Is that what makes it dragon?
Helen: Yes!
Mark: Ah I see.
Helen: That’s all you need for the cake. For the icing though, again, 100g of icing sugar and some more margarine. Or butter, if you prefer, that works too. More milk, same amount as before, and whatever colouring you want, if you WANT a colouring. I go with red. Like a dragon’s scales.
Mark: All dragons, or are you basing your cake off of Jeremy the Herbidragon, the children’s cartoon dragon who only eats vegetables?
Helen: … (Giggles) Yeah it is. I loved him as a child, so I base my dragon cupcakes off him.
Mark: Brilliant.
Helen: That’s all the ingredients you need anyway. Onto the recipe.
Mark: Alright.