Afternoon 002 - Les Animaux, Spooning and Gangsta Kazi (Part 2)

Helen: So we start by pre-heating the oven to 180 degrees, or gas mark 4. And also get a cake tin or tray. If it’s specially designed for cupcakes, just pop some paper cake cases in. Otherwise, get some grease-proof paper to line the tray. Then, you want to get the sugar and the margarine together in a bowl, and cream them together until the margarine is paler in colour and the sugar forms a fluffy surface on it. Anyone who doesn’t know what creaming is, just stir the two together and try pressing them against the side of the bowl, basically.
Mark: Beat the shit out of it, got it.
Helen: Then you want to crack the eggs into the bowl.
Mark: Oh Helen, you crack me up…
Helen: (Laughs)… I don’t even know why I’m laughing, that was appalling (Laughs). Ah, anyway… Stir the mixture up and add in the extract too until it all becomes a smooth eggy liquid. Then to add the flour, pour the milk in along with it. You can sieve the flour in if you wish, I do, but it isn’t entirely necessary, I’m just a perfectionist when it comes to baking. Again, the sieving makes the cakes that bit lighter and fluffier when they’re done. Then all you need to do is spoon the mixture into the cups about halfway up, so they have room to rise. And then bake for usually about 15 minutes, or until they’re a light golden brown. Then stick a knife in them and make the sure the knife comes out clean, so you know it’s not all soggy and undercooked inside.
Mark: Mmm, soggy cakes…
Helen: And now, the jam filling!
Mark: The homemade jam. How d’you do it?
Helen: Oh I can’t tell you that!
Mark: … Aw.
Helen: It’s homemade, and a secret recipe. Sorry. A magician doesn’t reveal all her tricks. All you need here is a piping bag, like the one you’ll use for the icing. Except this one you stab it into the cake into the centre, and squeeze out the jam and then pull the bag out again. Just don’t overfill the jam otherwise it’s going to get very messy. VERY messy. So the icing, you just want to beat the butter into a bowl and make it soft, then add in some, not all, of the icing sugar and beat it all down again. Then with the milk, add in the last of the sugar to make it nice and creamy but make sure it isn’t runny. If it’s too runny, use more sugar to try and absorb the excess milk. Then add in the colouring if any, and either apply the icing to the cake via the piping bags, or just spoon it on the top.
Mark: Big spoon or little spoon?
Helen: It… Uh, it doesn’t matter.
Mark: I like to be the big spoon.
Helen: (Giggles) I’m sure you do. Anyway, voila, dragon cupcakes.
Mark: So let’s recap… Beat the shit out of some margarine and sugar, then crack some egg heads and spill their brains into the bowl and mash it all together. Then spoon some flour, big spoon preferred, into the mix and then get it all baked. On meth.
Helen: (Giggles) Erm…
Mark: Then when they’re baked, stab them cleanly through and make them bleed jam, and then squirt some buoyancy icing all over their faces. And then gruesomely gobble them up.
Helen: To put it extremely violently, yes. Anyway, as the magicians of follow-along TV say: Here’s some that I made earlier!
Sally: … (Shyly) So is this the part where we eat?
Mark: You sound like I haven’t fed you in weeks. Have you been trapped in John’s basement?
Sally: Yes. And all he gave me was them low fat cracker cereal bar thingies. I HATE them low fat cracker cereal bar thingies!
Mark: There, there. Here, shove this cake into your gob and shut the fuck up then.
Sally: Aww thanks Mark! You’re so generous and lovely and sweet and just wonderful!
Mark: I know, right? Now scoff the damn cake already.
(Silence as they eat a few bites)
Helen: Yes? No?
Sally: … Mmm-mmm! Yummy… Itsh vreely dericious!
Mark: Dow’ tark wiv ‘our mou’ fuw’ Kazi!
Sally: Sahrree!
Helen: They must be good then.
Mark: Mmm… (Gulps) Absolutely delicious. Extremely sweet, and probably very sugary, but definitely a yum-yum nommage.
Helen: That’s why I make homemade jam, to reduce the sugar count just a tad.
Mark: Mmm, yes, well… That was gorgeous Helen, just like yourself.
Helen: Awww such a sweety!
Mark: We’ll leave this remainder cake for Luke when he gets back, if we don’t snaffle it before he comes back. Or if he gets whacked by some hoods for walking on their turf.
Sally: That’d only happen if he wandered to Dusty Springs. And since that’s about 30 or 40 miles northwest of here, I find that unlikely to happen.
Mark: We’ll see. Maybe I’ll shove you in a box and send you that way to check for us.
Sally: I can find my way back.
Mark: Not if I forget to put air holes in the box.
Sally: …

Man: Hey, you! Yes, you! How ya’ doin’ there? Not great, huh? I thought as much. You need something to pick your day up and I have the answer!
(Lively music kicks up in the background)
Man: At Franco’s Kitchen & Bathroom Tiles, we know it can be a PAIN to find that tile that best describes you. Ever had a guest stroll into your humble abode, only to excuse themselves immediately upon entering you kitchen or bathroom and never hear from them ever again?
(Music stops)
Man: No?… Ah, never mind then.
(Music starts again)
Man: If that HAD happened to you, I was going to tell you that we now have up to 60% off on our clearance tiles for kitchens and bathrooms until Monday the 30th of December! But I guess you just don’t need to know that… Franco’s Kitchen & Bathroom Tiles! Check out the stock today in Hendersfield, Raven Hill, Port Helmsley or Justicar Lane in Rington.

Mark: So uh… Paddy’s not back yet.
Sally: Nope.
Mark: He’s probably lying face down in a ditch somewhere having been murdered, along with his Made In Denland sweater after his little stint at expressing dislike to this nation.
Sally: Oh, you mean the new Paddy… Yup.
Mark: Also, Kazi is being VERY agreeable this afternoon.
Sally: There’s just no arguing with you.
Mark: Ah splendid! Glad we could settle on that.
Sally: Ugh…
Mark: Anyway, we had planned on interviewing Stephen Garland this week. Kinda’ feels too weird a coincidence for Luke to happily volunteer to be our resident Paddington Labrador for the afternoon given that, but nevertheless, he isn’t here. Steve I mean. That’s why we had to ask him to do the news from afar. The interview however, we wanted in person. Which, just isn’t gonna’ happen this week sadly. He’s in Azaria right now, with his giiiiiirlfriend.
(Click)
Mark: Did you hear that?
Sally: What?
Mark: The sound of millions of girls’… and Luke’s… hearts breaking across the globe. We’re sorry people, to be the bearer of bad news-both that Steve isn’t here today, and the fact he’s with his-… Kazi?
Sally: He has a Kazi too?
Mark: No I mean, would you like to say it? So people know I’m not just taking them for a mug.
Sally: (Clears throat) … With his giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr’fwend.
Mark: What the hell happened to you there?
Sally: I held it too long and my voice, kinda’, just broke down disastrously.
Mark: You could say that again. I thought you fried your microchip or something. Or needed a fuse replacing, or batteries… What do you run on again?
Sally: Food. And water. And love. Lots of love.
Mark: That would explain it. We’ve fed you.
(Something sliding across the desk)
Mark: That glass of apple & raspberry juice will be even better than water. Aww, you just need lovin’, dontcha’?
Sally: (Cutely) Yes I do!
Mark: Well don’t worry sweetheart, we’ll sort that out…
(Keyboard typing)
Sally: What are you doing?
Mark: Checking prices for synthetic human implants. We can’t have you running on love, not when you aren’t going to get any. I say we have you run on coal, we’ve got plenty of that. Especially in the winter.
Sally: But why are you doing that?
Mark: … You’re right, I’m sorry.
Sally: It’s ok.
Mark: You aren’t human are you? Ok, I’ll just search for synthetic alienoid implants. That’s what you are, isn’t it?
Sally: Err, no, but-
Mark: Then what the fuck are you then? No bloody bugger this side of the Hanson Riviera knows WHAT you are. So tell me: (Speaks in a simple voice) “Where. Do. You. Come. From?”
Sally: …
Mark: Ah, interesting. How do you spell that?
Sally: I just gave Mark the finger, by the way everyone.
Mark: That was quite vicious of you actually. You’re like Chrissie or Terri, you just never swear. Except for the most extreme of circumstances anyway.
Sally: Can we just move on? While I go cry in a corner from being neglected of love?
Mark: Yeah sure go on.
(Sally gets up and does a fake whimper while walking off)
Mark: And 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
(Sally comes back to sit down)
Sally: Heya Marky! Alrighty-roo, so what we going to do!?
Mark: And there’s my rhyming and rapping Kazi. Kazi, give us a rap!
Sally: Huh? But I…
Mark: Lizzie, load up the rap tune I gave you a while back.
Lizzie: The rap tune? But I don’t… Oh, I remember now. Hold on.
Sally: I don’t know how to-
(Tune kicks in)
Mark: Take it away, Kazmeister!

Sally: Um… I say “What!?”, “Who!?”, “When? Why? Where?”
I ask for the word but you just don’t care.
So I go rollin’ down the streets o’Corsair,
They gimme a dirty look and I just stare.
I STARE!
But you never know,
What’s gonna’ anger this crazy ho.
I’m Sally Hud, yeah that’s my name.
Wanna’ holla’ at me? Wanna’ play my game?
No ‘course ya’ don’t ‘cause ya’ just too scared
At this hooded bitch that just stopped ‘n’ stared.
She’s glarin’ atcha’ now with them evil eyes.
You try to run now but she’s on the prize.

And all this time you thought it be easy,
To go around ‘n’ please me. Not so simple now, believe me.
But you don’t know how I really feel inside,
Bitch!
Your ass is mine, fall in line that’s just fine.
Did you ever think twice about that thing that you did?
No!
I didn’t think so!
This is my show!
You’re just a stupid kid, man,
You have to go!

And get the hell out my way…

So all the wannabes, they be lookin’ at me.
They just don’t get this popular scene.
They think they know better, but they just won’t hush.
Hush!
Let the man bring ya’ down, ya’ caught in the rush.
But no not me let me show you, please.
How I’m hangin’ around on the M.I.C.
On the stage I am, not beached on the rocks.
Checkin’ me out, lookin’ sexy in them knee socks.
“Woah! She pretty”, the crowd always says.
Imma rockin’ this look for the rest of my days.
Do what ya’ want to me, see if I care,
‘Cause I’m the QUEEN of this town, I ain’t goin’ NOWHERE!

And all this time you thought it be easy,
To go around ‘n’ please me. Not so simple now, believe me.
But you don’t know how I really feel inside,
Bitch!
Your ass is mine, fall in line that’s just fine.
Did you ever think twice about that thing that you did?
No!
I didn’t think so!
This is my show!
You’re just a stupid kid, man,
You have to GO!

Ok boys, lemme show ya’ how it goes,
This here’s the queen, the skanks and the hoes.
You can best ‘em, smash ‘em, run ‘em down ‘n’ pass ‘em,
But you KNOW what’s gonna’ happen if you try ‘n’ best the last of ‘em.
Yeah that’s me, lil’ ol’ me.
I can’t hurt a fly, I’m as cute as can be.
Try and lay a scratch on me,
See what I can do to ye.
I’ll claw your eyes sore and keep diggin’ more ‘n’ more.
You’ll scream and you’ll cry,
You’ll ask me “My lord why!?”
I’ll say “Baby, can’t you see?”
I RULE the U.M.C.!

(Cheering and clapping among the studio)
Mark: See? SEE!? I told you, Kazi! You’re a beauty! A true goddamn legend!
Sally: Hehe, erm, thanks… I think.
Mark: And for real, you’re seriously telling me that you DIDN’T write that before?
Sally: Honest to the sands! I’m just good at rhyming and keeping a steady-ISH beat when the pressure’s on me like that. That was mean, Mark! It was MEAN! MEAN! Did I mention that it was MEAN!?
Mark: Why was it mean!?
Sally: I hate being put on the spot like that. You USED me! You abused my artistic gangsta rapping talents!
Mark: Indeed I did! And guess what?… I’D DO IT AGAIN!
Sally: (Gasps) You wouldn’t!
Mark: I would! And you know why?
Sally: No! Why!?
(Silence)
Mark: ‘Cause you’re SO ADORABLE WHEN YOU DOOOOO THAAAAAAT!
Sally: Ow… Ow, ok. Please stop squeezing me so hard, it huuuurrrrrts.
Mark: Sorry Kazi. Will you settle for a gentler and softer cuddle then?
Sally: Indeed I would.
Mark: Ok, later then.
Sally: Huh?
Mark: Well we have a show to do here! I’ll cuddle you afterwards.
Sally: Oh alright…
Mark: I hoped Paddy would return amidst your street-wise tune, but alas no. So, we will continue further without him, and now we have…

Review Time!

Mark: The review, again, without Roberta. Roberta is a damn beautiful creature that Alterra has no right to see just yet. I’m hiding her.
Sally: In the basement?
Mark: Yes. Your John is a great inspiration to me.
Sally: You best be feeding her.
Mark: Oh I am… I am.
Sally: That sounded creepy.
Mark: It didn’t mean to be! I take good care of my Bobbie. I named the Yomo Escapade after her, after all. And you know why?
Sally: … They’re both green, have Sareanite origins, were a gift to you from someone else, you make work a lot, enjoy spending quality time with them and… I’m lost.
Mark: No. You were right with the Sareanite origins and quality time I guess, but it’s because they are both perfect examples of beauty from where they come from. Just like you, Kazi.
Sally: Awww!
Mark: Whatever fucking planet you come from, there is no doubt you are the most gorgeous and sexiest creature to have ever come from it.
Sally: Um… Thanks!… I uh, I think.
Mark: Good! So onto the review!
Sally: Yes!
Mark: This week we did a joint review together, just me and Kazi.
Sally: Yep, and we decided to review a film which… Hasn’t been in cinema for a long time now, and is probably already out on DVD. Nevertheless, it is, quite conveniently, Hail Storm.
Mark: I thought we’d do this while Paddy isn’t here to stop any bias. Unless he’s heard us through the radio of a local shop window and has decided to remain there to eavesdrop on us. Hi Paddy, if you’re still alive. This is Paddy Enfield by the way, not Paddy Swanson. Swanson can go die after what he did, he’s a NAUGHTY NAUGHTY BOY!
(Silence)
Mark: … But I still miss him.
Sally: Ok, so let’s discuss the film, hm?
Mark: Alright. You can start, Kazi.

Sally: So Hail Storm is the debut film made by Crimson Media, the company most famous at present for Evil Born Evil of course and owned by our friend and fellow host Luke… Erm, Paddy? Enfield. Paddy Enfield, yeah. The film is set in a town in Rodherland, where our… “main” character inverted commas, is Klaus-the CEO of a large blue collar corporation, played by Robbie van Eldik, who is being held responsible for…
Mark: Drunk and disorderly?
Sally: No.
Mark: It could’ve been a biography of your 18th birthday night out then.
Sally: Indeed it could. But it isn’t. So he’s held responsible for the death of an employee, and is set on an adventure to prove his innocence and to the whole of Rodherland, that actually, he had nothing to do with the poor bastard’s suicide. Which doesn’t help as Klaus is seen as a heartless and money-minded maniac… Like our very own Neil. Except Neil cares… He does, he cares really. But let’s say Klaus is more like the character of Tim Walker then. That’s a more suitable comparison. So anyway, yeah, he’s wrongly accused and is determined to prove his innocence.
Mark: During which he is pursued by many people who wish to make him pay, who refuse to believe the truth. And an old friend of Klaus’, called Harry, played by the very well known Nikolaus Kristofferson, also shows up mysteriously to aid in the chase.
Sally: And a woman by the name of Alicia, played by Alannis Episcopa. Gee Mark, didn’t think you’d forget her.
Mark: Well there was a reason for that, but I’ll explain some other time. First, impressions of the film, no spoilers for people.
Sally: Ok, well… I thought the settings were very nicely done. From the glamour of the restaurant and the fancier streets, to the loudness of the club and the ruddiness of the abandoned subway and the woods around the finale. The camera effects were, brilliant. All the action was captured accurately and nothing was missed, it was all clear to see and precise. Good definition. Brilliant. My only issue? People being shot in the head and talking for a long time. Ok, some people don’t die immediately after a bullet to the head. SOME people, not many. And those that do only speak a couple words before that’s it. It seemed that just about everyone in Hail Storm that died was very lucky indeed.
Mark: Up to the point that some of them almost bloody recited poetry from about a dozen 17th century collections.
Sally: Hehe yeah, some of them, if I were Klaus I would’ve shot again and told them to quit talking. Anyway, what was your view?
Mark: Well I loved the car chases, particularly. The car star of the film of course being a maroon-reddish Lelion Sandrine, with a Hunka 613 and Dover Meriteer HLS as supporting acts. The chases were amazing, and intense. More so than Evil Born Evil I believe. Also, a couple nice babes there too, but we’ll cover them soon. My issue? Aside from the poetry reciters? Uh… THEY KILLED ALANNIS!
Sally: Ow! Careful now, my ears are fragile. Like me.
Mark: Sorry Kazi. But WHY!? Luke, you have some damn explaining to do my man…
Sally: So much for no spoilers.
Mark: I HAD TO! I had to warn everyone… So, our overall rating, we had officially given at the premiere was 14 out of 16 Moon Stones. A noble effort.
Sally: Luke probably wanted a review like this on that very night.
Mark: Ha, yeah probably. Well tough, he’s getting it now. Or, he has to wait until/if he streams this off the Moonstone Forum ‘cause he ain’t here to hear it now.
Sally: I’d like to say though… It’s a brilliant film. It’s a BRILLIANT film. But…
Mark: Yeah…
Sally: It was… Simple.
Mark: Yeah. There’s nothing wrong with that! I mean, Kazi’s simple but we all love Kazi, don’t we?
Sally: Uh… Thanks. Yeah I don’t mean it bad, but it means the film’s going to be highly underrated than what it deserves. It won’t be a renowned film that is remembered in the halls of fame alongside stuff like Scarred, and Digital Warfare, and um… and Olwyn Station!
Mark: You still have hopes that Olwyn Station is gonna’ make it big?
Sally: Believe it, baby! I know that film will become famous…
Mark: It’s been six years! How much longer are we meant to wait to see that hit it off?
Sally: As long as it takes…
Mark: Anyway, we mean to say Hail Storm won’t be in the hall of fame, however, it WILL get and HAS got a large cult following so it will always live on in some form.

Sally: So, we end on… What is apparently Moonstone’s personal awards.
Mark: Yup! We have the Chick Pick Of The Flick award-the sexiest and most fantastical female on the film.
Sally: And the guy equivalent. Erm… What’s that called?
Mark: The uh… Heh… Dick Pick Of The Flick?
Sally: Pfff haha… Well, it’s as good a title as we’re gonna’ get, huh?
Mark: Yup. So the Chick…
Sally: Now some people know already that um… It isn’t Alannis.
Mark: No it isn’t…
Sally: So who might it be?
Mark: Well the thing is… ORIGINALLY, the winner was Caitlin Colijn, who played Maria. Very cute, I liked her.
Sally: Who was sixteen.
Mark: Fuck you, she’s old enough down here.
Sally: Are you saying though that it’s different now?
Mark: Well… Hugo’s love interest, the girl who appears very VERY briefly… BRIEFly in her knickers. No pun intended, but of course it was. Lydia Petersson, I checked her name. I give the award to her. There! Happy now!? No more controversy! No more complaints over giving the award to a sixteen year old. Fuckin’ hell, such a bunch of bloody judgers in this world.
Sally: Amen!
Mark: So… Dick Pick?
Sally: … (Giggles) Well, Nikolaus…
Mark: I should’ve guessed.
Sally: I can’t help it! I’ve always really liked him. He reminds me of John.
Mark: I’m not sure how to respond to that.
Sally: Don’t need to. John’s in the past.
Mark: I guess they have to be of a similar age, right? Niko might be older even. We should ask Paddy Enfield, if he ever returns to the living.
Sally: Totes.
Mark: So… That’s our review?
Sally: That’s our review!
Mark: Not as grand as our Apocalypse Road review, but… Eh, it’ll do. Onward!

Sally: Tune in next week, when we speak to this hunk of a man.
Steve: Yes, hello! I’ll be here in the studio next week, when now I’m uh… In… Well, actually, recording this in the very studio right now just before I fly off to Azaria for the weekend to see my… Sally?
Sally: Awww, we don’t have to go to Azaria, Stevie!
Steve: No, I mean… You can say it, so people don’t think I’m taking them for a mug.
Sally: … Whoops, sorry. Alright then, off to see his giiiiiiiiirlfriend.
Steve: Yeah, thanks.
Sally: No problem!

Mark: Aye aye, Captain!
Jessie: Hiyaaa! Mwah!
Mark: Ooh! Nice, I like being greeted with a perky little peck on the cheek.
Jessie: Yay! I like when I make people happy!
Mark: You always make me happy, Jess. And now, it’s time for you to save the people of Alterra and help them keep their happiness. It is time, for…



Mark: That’s right, it’s NOODLE time!
Jessie: Ni-ni-ni-ni-ni ni… Kowa BUNGA!
Sally: What was that?
Mark: C’mon Kazi, you know that. It’s the tune from the Teenage Mutant Titan Cats.
Sally: Oh!… Of course it is…
Mark: Yeah! The tune they played before they commenced battle. That was one of THE greatest shows in the 90s.
Jessie: YEAH! Dling-dling, NOODLE TIME!
Sally: Is that where the segment’s name came from? How they loved eating noodles in their spare time?
Mark: Well obviously! Anyway Kazi, have you got a poor civilian in need of assistance from the Captain?
Sally: Sure. Ok, this is from Danny. Who’s from Slatefield.
Mark: Hello Danny.
Sally: “Hi guys at the Moonstone Pleasure Palace or whatever you call it.”
Mark: Nice, I like that name. The Moonstone Pleasure Palace.
Sally: “I have a problem.”
Don’t we all, Danny? Don’t we all…
“The other day I was coming home from work early. The company had a massive success in the stock market and, as a thank you, the boss gave us the rest of the day off. So I got home, and got out my car, to find that my best friend was parked just outside. I thought “Oh, I wonder what he’s doing here.” so I went in and said hello, receiving no answer from within the house, not from my friend or even my wife, who was also supposedly in the house as she wasn’t at work that day. I went upstairs after I heard what I thought was a small banging sound. I thought they might be moving furniture, as we were in the middle of renovating the spare room. I walked into our room to find them both partially undressed and in the middle of… Well… Not renovating, but something just as messy.”
Ew…
“What do I do? I couldn’t bear the sight so I’ve been living at my sister’s for the last week and a bit, and have had to get other friends to go get my belongings from time to time as I can’t stand to see neither my wife nor my apparent “BEST” friend. Do I give them a chance to explain what the hell they were thinking? Do I sue for adultery and get what I can from them? Or do I just pack up and leave somewhere for the better, maybe finding a fresh start that’s much better than ever before?”
Mark: What a bitch. And women we say we men are the bad ones?
Sally: Yeah, SHE is. But bear in mind, his best friend also betrayed him. If anything, I think I’d be more disappointed in the best friend.
Mark: Exactly! Because we expect the women to be unfaithful sluts. This “friend” is clearly an anomaly in the great statistics of almighty men.
Sally: Whatever, let’s just consult Jess.
Mark: Captain!
Jessie: Yes, sir!
Mark: Recommendations for Danny, Captain.
Jessie: So his best friend, and his wife, have been redecorating the house without him knowing? And… I guess he doesn’t like their sense of style.
Sally: Erm…
Mark: No, sweetie, no… Erm, remember what we said last Afternoon? About the canoodling?
Jessie: Oh yeah! And the pony rides!
Mark: … Yeah, that. Erm, that’s what they were doing. Canoodling.
Jessie: How many meanies go on secret pony rides and leave their other halves out of it!?
Mark: This one has no pony rides in it.
Jessie: (Gasps)… No!
Mark: Yes.
Jessie: Well that’s even worse!
Mark: …
Jessie: RIGHT!
(Loud clattering)
Mark: Careful sweetheart.
Jessie: Danny, listen to me. Listen to me, your Captain. You march back into that house, you claim the house back ‘cause I KNOW it’s in your name, right? Right!?
Mark: Probably. I hope you at least have your name on the ownership certificate, Danny.
Jessie: You SUE your wife, and you SUE your friend. You SUE them, and get your wife OUT of the house so YOU have it to yourself. Make them PAY! Then after that, assign a BETTER new best friend and find a NEW wife who doesn’t redecorate your house behind your back with your friend, and actually CARES about pony rides too!
Mark: … There we go Danny, you heard the girl-get to it.

Mark: Right, here’s a letter from Gwyneth who lives in Bormeda. She says:
“Hi guys, I’m hoping you can help me. My mother has invited me back home in Alemloland for a family gathering at New Year’s and is making it difficult for me to avoid. I’ll be honest, I’m not a big fan of my family, and I know not a lot of you guys enjoy your family’s company either, hence you made your own family of Moonstone, so maybe you have a few tips to get away from them. Any ideas are much appreciated because as much as I find my mother annoying, she’s nothing compared to one of my grandmas and a couple of my cousins.”
I feel your pain, Gwyneth, we all do. This is something that troubles us all. In fact, I’m hearing rumours that my grandma back in Denland wants all three sides of the family reunited after the new year in an attempt to keep us together.
Sally: And how are you getting out of that?
Mark: … I don’t know. Captain, help us!
Jessie: Um, I don’t know how! I’ve never had this issue!
Mark: How do you avoid your family then!?
Jessie: I ran away from home at the age of 14, that’s what I did!
Mark: … Oh yeah. So Gwyneth, what we need to do is build a time machine… Go back to when we were 14 and then make like hell outta’ home and RUN. I mean, how did you escape, Kazi?
Sally: I didn’t. The brothers often show up and visit from time to time. Dad grew a business in Barmera and mum took her last savings to move to Sarean, in pursuit of her anime dreams. So really, most the family ran away from me. How didn’t you escape yours, Mark? You ran away when you were 19.
Mark: I dunno, I kept in touch with a couple of my family who I do like… That’s my problem. Gwyneth, cut off contact from anyone in your family or any friends that connect you and your family. ANYONE! That’s all I can suggest really. Sorry we weren’t such a help on this, we’ll ask some of the other guys. If you re-listen to this on the forum, we’ll put in some responses from other Wastelanders and Rockies that may have a solution.

Jamie: Well my parents are in jail, and the rest of my family hated my parents so, they kinda’ all faded away at a young age.
Maria: I got into so many fights and trouble that I started taking it out on my folks. Yeah, I nearly faced being put up for adoption, but at the age of 16, they just threw me out and hey presto.
Helen: I just moved far away, and my family can only communicate with letters because we have no signal or arcanet where they live. We lived up in the mountains when I was a kid, they’re still up there now even.
Neil: They know I have my business to run so they don’t bother me. My dad understands, I inherited the business off him to start with.
Karl: I live in The Wasteland. Surely that’s enough reason to be disconnected from family? It’s hard for them to reach us. I bet you that many other guys here will tell you this very same thing.
Joe: Well I’m approaching 50 years old. I am the oldest Wastelander. Most of my family has passed on, and the rest drifted apart from what I’m aware. I like the solitude though.
Arnie: I was banned from my home state, and I’m not even allowed to get in contact with anyone within that state until I’m 30, which means I still have another 5 years until I’ll ever hear from them. Can’t even tell ‘em where I’m livin’ so they’ve no idea how to try to get in touch with me, if they moved state for example.
Gwen: I told them to fuck off. Simple and effective.
Lindsay: What family? I’m a drifter.
Nicky: I don’t know! I can’t even remember where I lived! Might’ve been Abbeyway? I remember hanging out with Neil when I fell in the boot of his car and he didn’t know I was there so he drove off with me captive. He heard me bang and scream and so I was here, and have been so since I was 15. Hmm, now that I mention it, do you think my mummy’s going to wonder where I am?

Sally: One last letter, um… This is from Jason, who’s also in Slatefield. But this letter must have been lost in the mail because it’s dated before even last Afternoon’s letters had been read. It goes:
“Hello Captain Tam-Tam.”
Jessie: Hiya!
Sally: “I need your magical powers to help me out, I’m at my wit’s end on what to do. I’ve lately been having these feelings for a very fine woman who I’ve known for some time. I’ve felt like she’s been giving me that look that tells me she wants me too, but I’m scared. I’m scared that it’s incredibly wrong to feel so crazy about her. Mainly because she’s my best friend’s wife…”
Um…
Mark: Uh…
Sally: “I don’t want to betray him, but damn it I’m losing control every day. If I don’t get any advice soon, I fear I may end up doing something I regret while my friend is away at work. Please help me before the unspeakable happens.”
Mark: … Wow.
Sally: So THIS is the “best” friend.
Mark: Well Jason, you can expect Danny to sue you at least.
Jessie: Maybe next time, you should consider including pony rides and maybe JUST MAYBE things could’ve gone smoother.
Mark: Yeah… What she said.
Sally: Well I guess we can’t really help. We can only warn you of what’s to come.
Mark: Bad move though. I speak for womanisers everywhere, including my own self since that’s what Alterra has branded me as. I would like to take this moment to say that actually I’m not a true womaniser. Womanisers break hearts, and I do not break hearts. Not intentionally at least, and that includes having affairs on your girlfriends, having it on with married women, and deliberately using a girl and playing with her emotions to benefit yourself for some purpose. I’ve done none of them things, I’ve only had open relationships with girls who were fully on-board with the idea themselves. However, YOU-Jason-have broken the code. The Guy Code. And for that, you are about to feel the wrath of your best friend’s anguish and thirst for blood and vengeance. So have a pleasant weekend Jason, if Danny hasn’t been to your house and murdered you whilst I’ve given this monologue.
Sally: I feel quite bad now. If we’d have gotten this on air in our first Afternoon, none of this might’ve happened.
Mark: Nonsense! This isn’t our fault at all, not in the slightest. You said it yourself-the letter was lost in the mail, it didn’t arrive until after that Afternoon had aired, how were we to know? If it arrived sooner, maybe we could’ve saved the world. It isn’t our fault that the mail didn’t make its way to the Captain’s headquarters in time. If ANYONE is to blame here, I blame the bloody post office!
Sally: Not Jason and Danny’s wife for having these unethical thoughts to start with?
Mark: … Oh yeah, them too I guess. But the post office! Why did you do that!? Why did you delay the mail!? Look at the carnage you’ve created as a result! Actually that makes me think, why did they write in with a letter? Why have they ALL wrote in with letters? And WHY aren’t they sending us ARCAMAIL messages!? AND… HOW did they find the address of this place.
Lizzie: Ahem, actually, that’s because the mailing system we’re using for The Moonstone Forum is actually a plug-in of T.A.C.T., which we’re still in the process of setting up since we want to utilise it on-air too. I’m planning on getting it operational by next week’s Afternoon. But until then, people have to write in. Anyone who’s tried to send us an arcamail via the forum, I put a notice on saying that the system is down and I enclosed the building’s address for them to write in to instead. See Mark, if I hadn’t thought of that, we wouldn’t have had any fanmail or any troubling noodles yet. See just how clever I am.
Mark: Ah, I see now Lizzie. Indeed you are so clever, so talented. The perfect combo of beauty and brains, and that’s why we love you to the fullest.
Lizzie: Awww.
Mark: So if anyone wants to get in touch, I guess you can now wait until T.A.C.T. is set up later this week, perhaps by about Wednesday?
Lizzie: That sounds reasonable, yes.
Mark: Otherwise, keep writing in. The address is shown on The Moonstone Forum I suppose. That’s: Maestro Radio Lower District, 23 Dukesway South, Emerald City, Kelderhope, KE14 2AR, and mark on the envelope above the address: “Mark & Paddy” so it doesn‘t end up sent to one of the other hosts. Or you COULD write in to our main Moonstone HQ which is: Moonstone Productions, 3 Aldbury Gardens, Emerald City, Kelderhope, KE16 4EH. We have a couple fine gals in the department who monitor our mailboxes over there. If you write in to the HQ, just mark on the address: “Radio” or something, so they know it’s for over here. Just don’t ask us for the addresses of our homes in The Wasteland. ‘Cause there IS no postal address down there, it’s like: Mark’s Caravan, The Lane Around The Corner From The Diner, The Wasteland, Kelderhope, KE0 0--. That means we have no postcode. Seriously. Don’t ask why, we just don’t. It boggles the mind of even the Marvegan President… Anyway!
Sally: That’s all we have. Thanks again Jess for providing a service.
Jessie: Awww you’re just so sweet Sally!
Sally: Yeah. Thank you Jess, that’s lovely of you to say.
Jessie: Come on you guys!
Sally: Oh, ok. Group hug.
Jessie: Yay! Mwah! Love you guys!
Mark: We love you too, Captain.
Jessie: (Contented sigh)
Mark: On the subject of post codes and mailing addresses, this brings us on to…



Mark: Bam bam-bam-bam, bam-bam-bam-bam bam-BAM! Yup, you guessed it, FANMAIL!
Sally: Urgh, jeez…
Mark: Haha, yeah I know… Urgh.
Sally: We didn’t really read a lot last Afternoon. We sort of kept the worst ones aside for a while…
Mark: Yep, and with Paddy still rotting somewhere on a street corner, hopelessly lost, we need someone to fill in for him. Someone who actually has access to the REAL Paddy’s arcamail account. There is only one person aside from himself who has such access. And of course it’s our favourite Cohnarite Chief Admin.
Lizzie: Me?
Mark: No, our other Lizzie
Lizzie: …
Mark: OF COURSE you Lizzie. C’mon, get your silly little adorkable butt in this chair.
(Lizzie comes and sits down)
Mark: Woah, hey Paddy, when did you get so sexy looking, huh?
Sally: I’m not sure if that’s very sweet and flirty towards Lizzie, or just a very awkward statement regarding Paddy.
Mark: Yeah, screw that. Let me try again-Woah, hey Lizzie, you look even sexier with that headset on.
Lizzie: Hehe, thanks.
Sally: You know you didn’t need the headset though, right? We’ve got our own mics right here.
Lizzie: Oh I know, but I usually use these for my admin duties.
Mark: And she’s so cute with them on whilst she does them.
Lizzie: (Giggles)
Mark: Anyway Lizzie, you will assume the role of Paddy for this segment. Just access his arcamail address and read out his fanmail.
Lizzie: (Clears throat) “Your subscription payment to Brunette Beauties Monthly Magasine…”
Mark: No, no, no, not that mail. (Laughs) The fanmail from the listeners.
Lizzie: Oh right, sorry.
Sally: Ah, the joys of using personal arcamail addresses, hm?
Mark: You wouldn’t know, you didn’t have the guts to sacrifice yours like me and Paddy did.
Lizzie: Yeah!
Sally: You sacrificed yours as well, Lizzie?
Lizzie: No… I was just pretending to be Paddy.
Mark: Don’t, ‘cause we love you so much more than him.
Lizzie: Thank you!
Mark: Besides, all the fanmail we have at the minute are written letters and handed in via the post anyway, since as we said before, T.A.C.T. isn’t working yet.
Lizzie: Yeah that’s true. Guess we’re stuck with the letters until next time then. Anyway, hmm:
“Dear Paddy, you are by far my most favourite Wastelander. You’re quirky, comical, fresh and let’s be honest here, very handsome.”
Mark: Bleh…
Lizzie: “I loved your appearance on the celebrity edition of Rumble Tumble for charity back in October. It was so good to see you on something new for the first time in a while. Hope to see more of you… Open bracket, and all the other guys too!, Closed bracket… over due course of 2014. You made 2012 a pleasure and left a gaping hole in the world of 2013 so I hope you’re back toot-sweet to make merriment on television again. Take care guys!”
And that’s from Nina in Morrigan Town, Finneasville.
Mark: See, the first female admirer Paddy has… Probably EVER had, and he wasn’t even here to hear it. Regret being a little shit now, do you?

Sally: I’m pleased to say I had a letter addressed to yours truly.
Mark: Who’s Yours Truly? Is that the chick we have working H.R.?
Sally: Real funny. (Clears throat)
“Dear Sally, I’ve been a big fan of Moonstone from the beginning, yet I’m proud to say that my first letter I’m writing is addressed to you-the latest and most fashionable addition to the team.”
Aww, why thank you!
“I know we’ve not seen or heard of a lot of you as last Afternoon was your only appearance to date as far as the world of Moonstone goes, however I think you are a very welcome member of the family and hope to see much MUCH more of you in the near future. Goodness knows you’ve already captured my heart and I’ve got a large soft spot for you too.”
Mark: Was that a euphemism?
Sally: Shhh! Don’t ruin it!
Mark: Sorry.
Sally: “You did a great job last time, and I’m sure you will do so next time around when we hear your magnificent voice on the airwaves. Lots of love, Brian.”
Aw now that’s made my day. Thank you very much for that Brian. You’re a star in my book.
Mark: You have a book?
Sally: The book of wonderful people I know. And the not-so-wonderful ones too.
Mark: And where exactly do I come in that book?
Sally: Let’s see… Aha! Yeah, you’re in the “Handful” section.
Mark: No better place to be. You clearly must think I’m something special then since I appear to be worth the hassle.
Sally: Hmmm, yeah, I guess. I mean you pay me, as little as it may be. And feed me, again, as little as it may be.
Mark: Here, have a spare dragon cupcake then.
Sally: … You… You aren’t getting the point of this!
Mark: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Sally: Good!
Mark: Apple & raspberry juice?
Sally: What? N-
Mark: Hang on… Just get the change out my back pocket… Six simoleans?
Sally: No!
Mark: The rest of my tuna melt sandwich?
Sally: NO!
Mark: A hug?
Sally: … Yeah, ok.
(Silence)
Mark: You don’t feel left out, do you Liz?
Lizzie: It’s fine…
Mark: I owe you one after the show.
Lizzie: Noted.

Mark: Ok.
“Dear Mark…”
Lizzie and Sally: Ooooohhhhhh!
Mark: Quiet, you two!
(Lizzie and Sally giggle)
Mark: … “Dear Mark…”
(Silence)
Mark: … “I can’t believe we didn’t write in sooner. Praise the sands for bringing you and your wonderful Moonstone family into our lives. We’ve been dedicated Kings Of The Desert followers from the start and remain to watch the boxset in the hopes that it won’t be too long until we either see the kings back on their thrones, or we see all your wonderful faces again in glorious quality on another masterpiece of production, be that a Moonstone Productions production, or a production from another band of producers of a different production company. Whatever the production is. We’re die-hard fans of you and we’ll forever be Alterra’s biggest fans of you EVER! Seriously, anyone fancy fighting us for that title? Come ‘n’ get us! We love all you guys. But Mark, we also love you! And that’s why we wrote this specially to you. Hope we brighten up your day!”
Erm…
“Mwah!… Less than three… X, O, X, O. Love from Angela and Lilith in Falkmond.”
They do say at the end though:
“Aged 15.”
Sally: Wooh! Go Mark! (Giggles)
Mark: Shut up.
Sally: Awww I think they’re actually really adorable.
Lizzie: Are they both 15?
Mark: I think so. Not sure if they’re friends, or siblings, or… Something.
Sally: It’s like how you have your Hwarian gal pals Mia and Maya… Who live in Dusty Springs. (Laughs) Which is actually in Kelderhope! But now look at you with your gal pals in Falkmond. You player you!
Mark: Player with a couple of 15 year old girls? Don’t tarnish my already poor reputation.
Sally: Is it better if we wait on them jokes until they turn 16? So it isn’t so bad?
Mark: Not really, because the legal age in Falkmond, if I remember rightly, is 17 or 18. So, gonna’ have to wait for a little longer before I can openly receive flirtatious comments regarding either Angela, or Lilith, or both… Hmmm, both.
Sally: Behave you!
Mark: Sorry! Sorry! You’re right. You’re totes right. Bad Mark, BAD MARK! Behave yourself, control yourself…
Sally: Yeah, steady on Bucko.
Mark: Do we have time for one more letter?
Sally: Uh… Yeah, sure! Why not? Lemme see…
(Fumbling of paper)
Sally: (Mumbles to herself) Duh-duh-duh duh-duh-duh duh… Ah yes, this is a good one!
“Hello again Moonstone. I recently wrote in to your show, requesting expertise help from your good selves, in particularly Jessica. I did indeed confront my husband about his suspected affairs with another woman, and I also enquired about pony rides. He assured me he was not with a woman, or a pony for that matter, and he did not get mad at my accusations.”
Mark: Oh… (Laughs) Well shit.
Sally: “HOWEVER…”
Mark: Oh?
Sally: “However… He did confess that he was having an affair.”
Mark and Lizzie: Eh?
Mark: Say what now? He wasn’t with a woman… or a pony… but he IS/WAS having an affair?… Oh no, please don’t let it be Angie or Lily.
Lizzie: You’re already nicknaming these girls, how cute.
Mark: Give over… ELIZABETH! Ha, see what I did there? I used your full name.
Lizzie: Yeah, what’s your point? I like my name. It’s lovely.
Mark: … Alright, fair enough. Continue Kazi.
Sally: Don’t worry, your little Falkmond girls are safe.
Mark: Phew.
Sally: “He has been in the office late with his boss.”
(Silence)
Sally: … “Gary.”
(Multiple laughs from the studio)
Mark: Deary me… We shouldn’t be laughing, really. Poor Linda.
Sally: Yeah, to have your husband cheat on you with his MALE boss. See, reasons like this are why I wonder if I should take a life of celibacy.
Mark: And deprive a worthy man of a Kazi-Kat? Now don’t be mean…
Sally: Well maybe I’ll just wait until I find someone who IS worthy. Have you seen some of the people out there? Not everyone of course is that bad… Hi there, listeners…
Mark: Pff!
Sally: See, now I just feel bad, like I’ve just insulted the entire public of Alterra. I’m so mean!
Mark: Mean, mean Kazi.
Sally: (Fake cries) Nooo…
Mark: It’s ok, we love you anyway.
Sally: Thanks.
Lizzie: Yeah.
Mark: Well someone has to.
Sally: Woooow…
Mark: I apologise sweetie. We really do love ya’.
Sally: “I have now filed for divorce and am waiting for getting a court date arranged. Who says I can’t be young again? Look out you young hot fellas, because my goods are going to be back on sale on them Arcanet dating sites very soon! Kind Regards, Linda.”
Mark: It’s the divorce special this Afternoon. So many ruined marriages because of us.
Sally: Yeah Mark, just think of the newly single girls now available after this single radio show.
Mark: No thanks, I don’t do divorcées, or whores, or divorcée whores. Leave me be with my Hwarian and Falkmond gals, ta.
Sally: Yeah, you enjoy them.
Mark: I’m sure I will.
Lizzie: Her goods going back on sale? That wasn’t a pleasant way of putting it…
Mark: Nothing wrong with a bit of lean meat, omnom.
Lizzie: Ew.
Mark: Hey, she’s rocking the dating sites though. Who knows, Paddy might be a match for her. Imagine that!
Lizzie: I don’t think I want to…
Sally: I put celibacy on my list before lesbianism, so yeah, me neither.
Mark: Pff, you girls. You’re both so bizarre, so strange, but that’s why I love you both so.
Sally and Lizzie: Aww.
Sally: This is when you turn it into a backhanded insult towards me.
Mark: Nope, not this time. I’m being sincere.
Sally: Alright, well cut it out. You scare me when you do it.
Mark: Would it scare you if I gave you a loving cuddle and stroked your hair and fluffed it up a little?
Sally: No, that would just be annoying.
Mark: But you suit the messy fluffy hair look! It’s very alluring.
Sally: But I spend a long time combing it to-… Ah! Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Mark: There we go, nice and fluffy and smexy.
Sally: I hate you…
Mark: Love you too, Fluffy.

Mark: … We should give an update of the Kings Of The Desert Awards.
Sally: Oh yeah!
Mark: Y’know, just while it’s us two. And it is precisely… About just after 2:15.
Sally: Pff! Brilliant. “It is precisely about just after 2:15.”
Mark: It’s precisely about just after a little more than just after 2:15, and Paddy… Well, he must be dead by now.
Sally: Yeah, I guess so.
Mark: So it’s just us! Anyway, last Afternoon, we asked you guys for votes on the awards. If you haven’t voted, and want to but can’t remember the awards, then… Well listen back to the last episode you slackers! Gee, expect us to remind you?
Sally: There’s been a lot of votes.
Mark: Indeed there has! Shows that most of our listeners are actually Stoners. That means most of you are fans by the way. I’ll enclose a short glossary for Moonstone terms at the end of this show on the forum, guys, don’t worry. So yeah, most of you are in fact fans and not just listening to us because you’re MRLD fans and have no choice but to suffer our garbage. So thanks everyone! If I can just look through some of the votes we’ve had already…
(Fumbling of paper)
Sally: By the way everybody, we’ll reveal the results next week, as we will be taking our New Year’s break after next week.
Mark: Yeah, I know we’ve only been up for two Afternoons so far, but the end of the year is approaching, and we have the Moonstone New Year’s party to arrange. And I want to get a bit of our future TV work sorted for the start of 2014. And… Well, that’s pretty much it. Arranging our New Year’s party more than anything, since I never got to spend my time with you lot last year, as I was at Luke’s with Terri, and Steve, and Sabbie, and… Nicky…
Sally: Didn’t Sabbie have to sleep in The Desert Cat van because she was only 16 and was too young for Luke to allow into his house to drink?
Mark: Shhh!
Sally: … Whoops, sorry. How did Maria take it anyway? Since you took her van and not her?
Mark: And the fact I got her to drive the van to the docks to be shipped over since we all went over in one of Neil’s jets? Pretty well, actually.
Sally: Surely she wanted something in return.
Mark: Just for her favourite drinking buddy and roomie to appreciate her for the woman she is. Um, girl, whatever.
Sally: Was that a euphemism?
Mark: Not at the time, no.
Sally: “Not at the time”?
Mark: …
(Paper fumbles frantically)
Mark: So for the favourite character, we’ve had a few votes for Max…
Sally: Nice escape.
Mark: Thank you! We’ve had plenty votes for Eliza, couple for Ant, surprisingly some for Tim… SOME. Erm, a considerable amount for Daryl, not all of them votes from Luke. For the least favourite, we’ve also had votes for Tim, and Max…
Sally: Woah.
Mark: Ralph.
Sally: Yeah.
Mark: Meg?
Sally: Really!?
Mark: Woody, Alan, MIKEY, TAMMY, the three nieces.
Sally: Don’t be hating on the children, guys. Seriously.
Mark: Poor girls. The sexiest characters have seen votes for… Daryl, again. Erm, and Daryl. Meg. And Daryl. Eliza. Some for Daryl. All of The Desert Cats have had votes along the lines. Daryl again. Miles.
Sally: Wow. Miles.
Mark: And Daryl. Chrissie, yay!
Sally: Uh… Really, yay?
Mark: Look, history be as it may, Chrissie still has my vote.
Sally: …
Mark: If you’re out there, listening Chrissie… Hello. Shout out to you. I miss you. When are you coming back home to me?… To US? You said you’d be back by now.
Sally: She did? Really?
Mark: We can go into that another time. Next week.
Sally: Ok then.
Mark: Uh, Billie’s had votes. Daryl’s had votes. Wes had A vote!?… Daryl had votes. Meg had votes. Daryl. Meg. Daryl… Mikey?
Sally: Uh… Sure. Y’know, some people may think that.
Mark: Ralph? Now c’mon guys, quit trolling us. That flabby ginger ball of… Oh, I see why people are doing that.
(Paper fumbles)
Mark: Ok, that’s enough for now. This week I kinda’ want us to end on-time unlike last time where, if it weren’t for Alex, we’d have ran over.
Sally: You should watch people crossing the road when you drive then.
Mark: Tell that to Paddy. He gets his parking fines because he parks his cars on top of flattened children, not ‘cause of the double yellow lines.
Sally: Wow. That was very dark.
Mark: Tell that to the kids, Kazi. Tell that to the kids. Poor kids.
(Door opens and closes)
Sally: Whey!
Mark: … Oh hello there… Who are you again?
Luke: Very funny, Davison. I went for a walk to admire the gracious surroundings of Emerald City.
Mark and Sally: Really?
Luke: Yes! (Sits back at the mic) It’s a beautiful place, actually. The sand is so soft on the outskirts, and it’s nice and warm. Not too warm, as you’d expect in a desert, but an Enfield is happy! Wouldn’t want to be sweating like a fat Marvegan lady on a hot summer’s day while trying to jog some of that flab off and stuffing a cheeseburger or three into her mouth.
Mark: I… Well… Would you come here often then?
Luke: Oh no, no, no! Don’t be silly. I could simply not be here too long. The people? The “SHOPS”? The lack of beautiful Denevian people that Hans Thunberg can embrace? The cheeseburgers? Good heavens no, I couldn’t stand here for more than a day before I wouldst go insane.
Mark: You mean… Insane? Like…
Mark and Sally: THE INSANE TRAIN!?
Luke: Oh bugger me, don’t start with that Nicky nonsense.
Mark: Don’t worry, we won’t. That’s Nicky’s job.
Sally: Besides… Looking at the clock, you’re just in time. We’re about to-
Alex: -D’AWWW!
Mark: Ow!… Guess that’s time to end then.
Luke: Oh, it’s you, Alex.
Alex: It’s me!
Luke: Yeah, Mophead.
Alex: Mophead!? But I… Well I never! THIS hair!? How dare you say that to me! Look at YOUR hair Mr.-
Mark: Silence Al. Well Luke, it’s been a pleasure to have you here with us… For a portion of this Afternoon.
Luke: It’s definitely been a pleasure for an Enfield, a Davison!
Mark: I’m sorry we didn’t get round to everything today, including your own segment we discussed earlier, but if you fancy sticking around a bit, we can pre-record it for NEXT Afternoon before you fly back home?
Luke: Sure, that sounds like a good idea.
Mark: Terrif’. So, thanks for listening everybody. I know it’s been a while since our last show. We’ll add a note to explain it on the forum, but basically we had to be reviewed so the heads of the station knew we’d do them good for business… Which we have, bitches! So thanks guys. And until next time, it’s a fairly well from moi…
Sally: And a warm-hearted thankyou, hug and goodbye from yours truly…
Luke: And a ta ra from a Reverend Lukus Enfield of the almighty nation of Denland!
Alex: And a catch ya’s later from me!
Mark and Sally: And so from ALL of us…
Mark, Sally and Alex: Goodbye!
Luke: Goodb-… Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise you wanted us to do it at the same time.



Mark: Before we get onto the recording for next week’s stuff, want to go grab a new, warmer cup of tea from the caf’ downstairs? It will go well with that Dragon Cupcake waiting for you lovingly made by The Helen.
Luke: Yes please. Although this tea is… lovely… (Coughs). The cake looks delicious though, I hope you haven’t poisoned it.
Mark: Would we do such a thing?
Luke: I’d hope not, but I have my eye on you, remember.
Mark: Kazi, we’re off for refreshment. Man the fort.
Sally: “Man” the fort?
Mark: There a problem?
Sally: Uh no… No sir!
Mark: Good man.
Sally: …
(Mark and Luke get up, door opens)
Miley: Well, well, well. Looks like the rats are finally outta’ their lil’ hole…
Mark: The classic war between Denland and Marvega, right Luke?
Luke: Right…
Mark and Luke: ATTACK!