Afternoon 005 - Apocalypse Special Round 2 (Part 1)

NOTE: This is a new follow-up to the previous unreleased episode from 2014, written in 2021. I know – incredible. Even if these have been more nonsensical guff compared to even the regular show format.

Neil: … What is this?
Mark: Just read it!
Neil: I am not falling for some stupid joke as simple as that, thank you.
Mark: It isn't a joke, it's just the sensitive content warning speech we have to have at the start of the show. All the Moonstone plebs are doing it one by one!
Neil: I thought this entire radio station had a content warning of its own. Why do we need a separate one?
Mark: Look, don't question the logic, just read the bloody thing.
Neil: … This show contains sensitive content.
Mark: You're not reading the script!
Neil: I'm getting the message across in fewer words wasted! This show contains sensitive content – stop listening now, or you only have yourself to blame for any offense caused. We do what we like. Sort of. Most of the time. That good enough for you?
Mark: … No. But whatever, I guess it'll do.
Neil: Thanks. Now I need to get going. Later.
Mark: … Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one left with any soul in this place.

Afternoon 005: Apocalypse Special Round 2

Sally: Horatio!
Mark: Sal, what the hell are you doing?
Sally: I told you we weren't doing our greeting with female names any more. It got too difficult to think of new ones, so I said I'd think of something new.
Paddy: And your solution is... Male names?
Sally: I couldn't think of any good ideas.
Mark: This is not going to be a thing, I hope you realise that.
Sally: Fine! Can we just do it this once though please? Makes me feel accomplished that one of my suggestions made it onto the real show.
Mark: I demand one kiss in exchange.
Sally: From who?
Mark: … You. I... Thought that was made clear.
Paddy: Ew, gross. Why?
Sally: What do you mean - “ew, gross”!?
Paddy: Oh, I meant Mark, not you.
Sally: … Huh. Okay then.
Mark: Not okay! How am I-
Paddy: Okay, okay, both of you are gross then.
Sally: Hey! Why am I-
Mark: Look Sally, let us be gross and make the exchange, what do you say?
Sally: No! Can we just get on with the show please? We're wasting time. Follow my lead – Horatio!
(Silence)
Paddy: … Well you go next Mark, you always do.
Mark: … Emmett.
Paddy: Lucian.
Sally: Leopold.
Mark: Oscar.
Mark and Sally: HELLO!
Paddy: Hel-... Oh. And Wesley...
Sally: Evan!
Mark: Lars!
Paddy: Christopher.
Sally: Oliver!
Mark: Martin!
Paddy: Ellis.
Mark, Paddy and Sally: WELCOME!
Sally: To?
Mark: An Afternoon... With Mark...
Paddy: And Paddy!
Sally: And Sally!
Mark: And so many more of the Moonstone family, from various places in the country! Or indeed across the pond elsewhere in Alterra! This part two of-
Sally: No?
Mark: … What do you mean, “no”? Defiance doesn't always make you attractive you know. Sometimes it just makes you irritating.
Sally: I came up with the introduction, so I want to continue the intro for us all. Please? Let me be empowered just one afternoon.
Mark: You use the “empowerment” word and immediately I deny you of that. Fuck empowerment.
Paddy: Hear hear!
Sally: Fine, forget that. I'll promise not to say it again. May I take the lead on this then?
Mark: … I demand two kisses in exchange.
Sally: Not happening.
Mark: Fine, whatever. You wrap me round your little finger as you are then. Go on, do it!
Sally: I will. Hi everybody! So yes, this here is part two to the Apocalypse special from last week.
Paddy: Last week? We didn't air it.
Sally: It's on the Moonstone forum exclusively. Don't ask.
Paddy: I can't see it on there. When's it getting put up? In seven years time?
Mark: Don't you start with that. And let Sally get on with it! I hate not being in charge of my own show.
Sally: We're continuing our adventure on The Apocalypse Road. Oooooh scary!... Wait, it isn't scary. Why did I think it was? I practically made the game! I just thought of Paddy's stupid werewolf impression from last week and-
Paddy: Arroooooooooo!
Mark: She wasn't asking for another rendition of it!
Sally: Just cue the intro already.



Sally: So before we start, or rather while we all log in again, how about a recap of last week?
Mark: (Groans) Do we have to? I don't even need them when watching a weekly TV show. The whole thing was a mess as it was anyway, all we did was keep shouting at each other, essentially.
Sally: Maybe. Okay, definitely. But it might still be a good idea to give a quick, abridged version. So who wants to start?
(Silence)
Sally: … Any time today would be fab, thanks.
(Silence)
Sally: Can you really not think of where to start? Anybody? Those of you online outside of the studio feel free to chime in too.
Paddy: I'm actually trying to remember anything that happened...
Mark: Paddy died several times.
Paddy: Mark was drink driving and nearly killed many people.
Mark: In-game, I should explain. Paddy did kill Julie. In-game also, I mean. Just to be safe.
Paddy: I didn't-... ! Argh!
Karen: I was kidnapped by NPCs and then rescued.
Jamie: I'd hardly call it kidnapping.
Sabbie: I ran really, really fast!
Floyd: I think I'm in a lot of trouble. I can't walk.
Maria: I still hate Mark.
Mark: I have cried tears of heartbreak all week long over you!
Maria: Liar.
Jessie: Oh! Marky's with me and the rest of our fleet!
Mark: … Ah shit, I forgot about that. Thought I was still with Terri.
Terri: No, I'm alone now. Thanks.
Mark: I was protecting you in the process if I remember rightly!
Neil: I intend on having a showdown hand-to-hand with Jamie before all this is over. Oh, and I was taking bets on various stakes. I will continue to do so this week if there are any takers.
Mark: Actually I was told we aren't allowed to solicit gambling on this show, so we had a warning from last week. Sorry. But it means I potentially saved myself fifty simoleans.
Miri: I believe me and Arnie were- oh no no no!
Arnold: What happened?
Miri: Log in, dumbass! We were right near a horde and you're driving!
Arnold: Shit! Alright alright, gimme a sec, it's loading in still.
Suki: You were all accusing me and Sally of being hackers too, by the way. Respecting the powers that be and using our beta-testing knowledge to aid our effort. Not hacking – call it a home court advantage.
Alex: That's basically hacking.
Sally: It isn't hacking! Lizzie – back us up here!
Lizzie: W-... Why me?
Sally: You're the computer expert in Moonstone. Give them a technical definition of hacking and why what me and Sukes have done does not qualify for it.
Lizzie: … Do I have to open up Alterpedia for this?
Sally: /Yes!
Jamie: /No!
Bruno: No!
Howie: No.
Jenny: Yes.
(Everyone throws in an answer to the audible mess. “No” is the more dominant sound heard)
Helen: Question – in the interest of fairness, are we all holding ground until everyone is confirmed logged in? Or...
Miri: Me and Arn can't sit about and wait in this situation... Ah, there you are, finally! Now hit it!
Arnold: Alright, fine, here we go!
Mark: I guess not then Helen. Plus, I like the competitive aspect of who can get in and on the road faster – a combination of system hardware, arcanet connection, and general player ability to hit the ground running. Speaking of, “fleet”?
Jessie: Yes, sir! Squadron Leader M! Tam-Tam reporting in, willing and able!
Mark: That's my girl, already logged in and waiting!
Nicky: Me too here sir! Ready, willing and very able!
Mark: I strongly disagree with that last sentiment. There's no escaping you then, unfortunately. Hoped I'd be able to take the Caped Avenger here for myself and scurry off before you and the vegetable had spawned back in.
Floyd: I'm still loading in! Don't go anywhere!
Mark: You're in the boot of the car anyway, aren't you? Jessie – hit it. He'll join us when he's ready. Whether we like it or not...
Jessie: Yes sir! Full speed ahead, ship set for the course... Huldergard ahoy!
Nicky: Yeah!

Chapter VI: Connected By Soul, But Not By Cable



Harry: I don't remember which way I was heading. There's no landmarks, I've no map or compass, and for some reason my car was spawned in facing sideways so I have no clue.
Sabbie: You could wait and see if anybody travels by you. But NPCs can go either direction and really, who's to say any one of us are on the same road as you anyhow?
(Two quick successive bloops are heard)
Neil: What was that?
Sally: Nothing!
Suki: Nothing.
Neil: Are you two cheating again?
Sally: No! And we haven't cheated once!
Alex: Lies! You've set us all up from the start! This is some mass experiment you two are doing, making us all your little guinea pigs!
James: Yes! I agree!
Mark: As the person who suggested we do this in the first place, I'm afraid I have to take the hackers' side here.
Suki: Don't call us hackers for a start. Are you even on anybody's side right now?
Maria: 'Course he ain't. I'm not even in the studio with 'em all this week.
Jessie: We're with you, Squadron Leader M!
Nicky: Behind you 100% of the way, sir!
Floyd: Your wish is our co-... Oh no, no, no!
Arnold: What's going on now?
Floyd: Help!
Jessie: … Oh... Floyd spawned in and glitched out of the car trunk! Sir, we need to stop this ship to save our crewmate!
Mark: Denied. No time to waste. We must press on.
Nicky: No sir, what he lacks physically right now he makes up for in mental capacity.
Gwen: (Scoffs) That's a good one. Mental is one way to put it.
Mark: Nicky, there is no limit to the number of ways I could possibly doubt what you just said to me.
Floyd: Wait... Someone else is coming! And it's a player too! Oh thank you, tha-
(Thunk)
Jenny: … Shit, oops?
(Alex, Bruno and Jamie all heard laughing in the background)
Harry: That was a response.
Howie: Sorry, what just happened?
Jenny: I think I hit 'im. Bad.
Floyd: Yeah... I'm gone...
Lindsay: Where's your immunity skill now, chump?
Mark: … Well that simplifies things!
Nicky: No, wait! He deserves a proper burial!
Mark: Piss off! You wanna' do that, get out and walk! I am not stopping this car for any reas-... Mimi!
Maria: What? Oh shit, no, not you again.
Mark: I'm gaining on you guys, let's stop up ahead a sec and pool our resources, eh? Tam-Tam's ideas and willpower, you guys' ruthlessness and strength, my scheming manipulative personality, charm and brains, and Nicky's... expendable status.... We'd be unstoppable!
Maria: Cats?
Kendra: Back off, Mark.
(Crash)
Mark: Whoa hey, you're gonna' try and ram me off the ro-
(Crash)
Mark: Bah! I guess you are...
Gwen: You're giving up already?
Mark: I'm not dumb enough like certain others to know when we're no match for that truck of yours. I'm out.
Nicky: Great, we stopped! So now we can-
Mark: Son I swear, if you don't shut up I will turn this car around!
Jessie: … That's what he wants, sir.
Mark: I meant figuratively speaking! Nicky... I'll give you five seconds to make your mind up – get out and walk back to your squished friend...
Jenny: Bye guys! Just passin' ya' now.
Mark: Or you stay in this car, shut your mouth, and roll with me and the Captain to Huldergard. What's it gonna' be? One...
Nicky: Floyd?
Mark: Two...
Floyd: What am I meant to say? I'm dead!
Julie: Join the club, at least I'm not the only one now.
Mark: Three...
Neil: You died last week and you're still here?
Mark: Four!
Julie: I'm just sat with James while he plays.
Mark: Five! Right Nicky, your choice has been made, stick to it.

Terri: … Oh, people! People, hello!
Alex: Need to be more specific than 'people', Terri.
Terri: Well I can't see the avatars or read the names.
Alex: Agh, the immersion! Spare me!
Terri: I-... What... Oh, erm, I can't see who it is, okay?
Alex: Do you need glasses?... Oh, right, you do wear glasses, n-... (mumbles) never mind then, I'll just... (incomprehensible muttering trails off)
Terri: Hello? People – people look around. I'm heading straight for you in a car like an idiot here. Hel-loooo!
Lizzie: … Oh, that's you! Hi!
Terri: Hi girls!
Karen: Hiya Theresa.
Terri: Everything fine?
Lizzie: Yeah, we had just stopped up here deciding how we were going to keep moving forward. I did a bit of reading over last week and apparently the NPC foes can be mean if they have motive.
Karen: Which my previous kidnappers probably are.
Lizzie: So, I found it was advised to take lesser roads, and try to be stealthy for the rest of the journey. It... It's going to make it all take longer. But I think we can manage!
Karen: Yeah! Because children are invincible!
Lizzie: Th-... They are?
Karen: Well, yeah. Even I know that. Have you never played an open world RPG?
Sally: Yeeeeaaaaah... Not this game, Karen. Considering this game was controversial for not limiting anything in the original version, and the new 'censored' version only does a lot of FTB scenes to cover over them, and the features remain.
Suki: Fade To Black.
Sally: … 'Scuse me?
Suki: I was just defining FTB for the plebs.
Neil: Who are you calling ple-... Damn, I outed myself there, didn't I?
Paddy: To be fair, even I didn't know immediately what you meant, Suki. I thought it was Forces That Be instead of Powers That Be or something.
Suki: But saying FTB 'scenes' wouldn't make sense then.
Harry: I thought it was a cinematic term I hadn't heard of. Like... Follow The... Uh... Border? I don't know, I...
Suki: But it is a cinematic term. Fade To Black – the camera literally fades to black.
Mark: I was thinking FWB to be honest.
Miri: Of course you were, Mark.
Mark: Because y'know, Friends With-
Terri: Anyway... Do you guys want to partner?
Lizzie: Sure. Another player is more handy just in case we do have to fight.
Terri: Well, I admit I don't have any equipment or weapons.
Karen: Oh that's alright, we don't either.
Terri: We may need to see to solving that then.
Mark: Hold on, what do you mean you have no equipment? You took the car! All that shit I had in the boot... ?
Terri: The... ? When did you... ?
Mark: …
Terri: … Wait, you left me stuff?
Mark: Well I didn't exactly leave you it. I had it for myse-... I mean us. And now it's just yours, because I'm... 'Temporarily relocated'.
Karen: Let's see what we've been left with then.
Lizzie: Yeah, this could be good.
Mark: Damn sexy scavengers...
Helen: Um Mark, Karen's a-
Mark: I was talking about Terri and Lizzie!
Arnold: Uh-huh... Hit the 'report' button to doubt.
Terri: Oh wow! Look at all this stuff! There's... Stuff! I don't know what's good and what isn't.
Lizzie: A hatchet, perfect!
Mark: Not the hatchet...
Karen: And I can... Hmm, I'm not strong enough to use any of th-... Scissors? I guess they'll do.
Mark: They were already in the car, and weigh nothing so I couldn't be bothered to organise the car inventory for them.
Terri: So... What can I get?
Lizzie: How about this mop?
Sabbie: Pfff! A mop?
Mark: It was my starting weapon, alright?
Terri: Hmm, low durability remaining on it though, isn't it? Anything else?
Lizzie: What about the wrench?
Terri: … Oh, that's too heavy. I picked it up and my stats just went 'bleurgh'.
Kennedy: They went what?
Terri: Down. Like, seriously down.
Mark: … You could sacrifice fuel from one of your cars and... Think we had a few rags. And I know there was plenty of alcohol left. Make some petrol bombs.
Jamie: Well that doesn't sound like a disaster begging to happen. Not at all.
Terri: I'm not going to be very good at throwing these.
Lizzie: Do you want the hatchet then? I'm not sure I could throw well either but...
Terri: Can you use them when driving?
Lizzie: You want me to drive still?
Terri: Mark says you're good in real life-
Alex: -This is real life, dammit!
Bruno: Yeah! C'mon guys, get with the program already!
Terri: ... I hear you drive well. So yeah. I'll just do what I can.
Lindsay: I'll watch out for whatever you burn down later.

(Silence)
Jamie: The apocalypse is boring, isn't it?
Harry: I can see why most horror films and things nowadays have paranormal creatures and unpredictable monsters and stuff in addition to, or instead of, the generic undead.
Miri: What I don't see is how, unless you're dumb enough to get trapped by a horde like Arn here, you'd really struggle to survive?
Kennedy: Don't let the dead hear you speak ill of them.
Julie: Yep.
Floyd: Hm...
Bruno: Especially when they sulk like that.
James: Jules is giving me a stare of death right now to pass on to you Bruno.
Bruno: Well, she's dead, so... Hey! At least I'm still here – the black guy wasn't the first to die.
James: Hey that's right. That's broken the universal rule.
Sally: The universe is thrown into chaos.
Alex: Not for you and the blueberry, with your thick text books and in-game stats all worked out on some spreadsheet and table.
Sally: … Alex, what are you even talking about now?
Mark: I knew what he meant!
Alex: Yeah, fo' sho'!
Sally: Well you would.
Mark: Y'hear this Paddy? The sass and sheer audacity of this girl. I could ruin your entire career right here right now, you know.
Sally: Maybe. But can you do this?
(A dull, rattly slam)
Mark: Oof, you fucking-... ! Slut.
Sally: (Laughs) Hey, that's not nice nor fair!
Jessie: Captain! What's wrong?
Nicky: Mayday! We're straying from our plotted course! Regain control of our ship!
Mark: I can't do anything about it, team! This bitch just closed my laptop on me. Now I gotta' re-log in to the machine, then I'll have been minimised to the desktop too...
Sally: And the controller has DC'd so you have to replug that. And either rebind the buttons in the options while still in-game, or log out and in again of the game itself to register the device again.
Jessie: Why aren't we slowing down!?
Sally: Oh, the buttons stick when you're tabbed out.
Nicky: Waaaaah!
Mark: … Your debt just went up. Three kisses in exchange now. You're going to have a very busy night tonight before the show is over.
Sally: Still not happening.

Howie: Who's that over there?
Helen: Uh-oh, watch out, it's... Oh, Jenny?
Jenny: Oh! Howdy y'all! Now how'd'ya' git yersel's all'a' way o'er there? The road is all'a way o'er 'ere ya' know? Not gon' find a car traipsin' through tha' rockies 'en tha' road, ennyone can tell ya' that'un.
Howie: Uh, Jen, where are you-?
Jenny: Crap! Sorry, brakes ain't all tha' good, I-... Oooooh, shit!... There! Stopped!
Helen: Good thing we were standing uphill, so not to be more victims of yours.
Jenny: Y'all got no car for travellin'?
Helen: We aren't exactly finding anything useful for the long run.
Jenny: Well y'all can come wi' me if you wanna'. I gots snacks, I gots supply, I gots tha' means a' defendin' my lil' ol' ass an' I can guarantee I can help yous hold up too some if ya' like. Hop in!
Howie: … I think we'll be alright, thanks Jen.
Helen: What? You don't want to go with her?
Howie: I just feel like we'll be better off sticking to our plan.
Helen: Oh, you-... ! (Sighs) This superstition is bad enough, but now you're using it to deny the help of our friend here. And we can help her too! We can make a good team. Jenny's one of the good ones.
Jenny: Awww, now ain't you jus' tha' sweetest gal in this world of dead an' flesh-eatin' monsters out ta' rip us all apart?
Alex: D'AWWW!
Jenny: Screw you Al! Y'all the one that stole that catchphrase off'a' me in tha' first place. Tha' was my line in Kings, not yours! An' now errybody thinks y'all came up wi' it.
Mark: Um, as the writer, I was technically the one who-
Jenny and Alex: Shut up Mark!
Mark: I'm being abused on my own show!... By my employees! Do none of you learn to respect your positions and your boss?
Neil: I think your mistakes began when you treated Moonstone as a family first and a business second. You only have as much power over someone as they actually want to give you.
Jamie: He's right. Why do you think only the few meek ones are the ones that follow you everywhere?
Mark: I... Wait, who are the meek?
Nicky: Are you gaining control back yet? We're still in danger here!
Jessie: Praise be for flatlands but they can't hold out forever!
Mark: I'm getting there! I knocked the caps lock first time on my password, then my antivirus renewal harassed me, then I had an arcamail notification that mentioned an order I had on Fleabay, which honestly was more important to me so I-
Paddy: Just log the fuck back in, Samurai! You have an apocalypse to burn.
Kendra: Sounds more like Terri's job, that.
Helen: Jenny, look out!
Jenny: Huh? Damn it, those morons a' headin' straight for us!
Jessie: That's us! That's... Us? Wait, that is us! Squadron Leader M!
Mark: I'm in! Oh come on, 'synchronising'? Woah shit, the lag and all ten frames I'm getting is making me trip balls!
Howie: Shiiiit!
Nicky: I don't like the apocalypse any more!
(A whirring chaos of smashes, crashes, clatters and bangs, followed by silence)
Jenny: … Well wasn't that lovely?
Mark: Are you guys okay?
Jenny: Y'all skipped right o'er my head! Bare'y chipped a lick a' paint on tha' roof, I'm a good'un!... As Helen here were so kind 'a' tell me so. So, y'all comin' wi' me, yea or neigh?
Howie: /No, sorry.
Helen: /Yes of course!
(Silence)
Howie: /No.
Helen: /Yes.
Jenny: Y'all really be kid-fightin' here?
Helen: We're coming!
Howie: No, we aren't!
Helen: Yes, we are!
Howie: No, we-
Jamie: (Sighs angrily) Can I mute these two specifically please?
Suki: Not without installing the proximity chat mod, but then you'd not hear anybody who wasn't within a mile or so of you.
Jamie: Believe me, I'm tempted to log out, install that, then come back.
Mark: Tam-Tam, my sweet angel, are you hurt?
Jessie: … No, no I'm fine sir.
Mark: Excellent.
Jessie: Is that blood on your face?
Mark: Huh? Oh, yeah, tiny wound to the head. Barely a nip though, I'm good.
Nicky: I'm fine too!
Mark: I wasn't asking you. Anyway, say Jenny – babycakes – now we're all stopped together at this lovely spot at the side of the road, how about we team up? Helen and Howie are too conflicted to decide, so you can join my princess and my jester, and the four of us could-
Jenny: Naw thanks, no offense Mark but yer kinda' a liability.
Howie: … Yeah I definitely wouldn't travel with you.
Mark: I was only asking Jenny. No offense Helen, but you have Mister Spooks with you and I'd sooner palm him off than even the expendable corporal of mine.
Helen: Understandable. But Jenny is right, you're a liability.
Mark: But we'd already established I'm one of the more pro players here!
Jenny: An' when ya' get cocky y'all go makin' mistakes. Like, what tha' hell kinda' stunt show was ya' tryin' to pull just now?
Mark: That was the hacker witch's fault! She closed my lapto-... She uh.... Used psychic powers to deactivate my eyes?
Alex: Good save.
(Quiet sniggering)
Mark: Stop being so smug, wench!
Sally: (Cracks with laughter) I'm sorry... ! But it was just too much fun.
Mark: Yeah? Yeah? Then... What if I do it to you?
Sally: I'm not on a laptop though, I'm on-
(Rattles and crunches)
Sally: Oh, great. Thanks.
Suki: Why are we slowing down?
Sally: We aren't. Just guide me left and right as we drive. It was a straight patch of road. Mark just pulled the cable out of my monitor. Doesn't DC me though.
Mark: But you have to stop playing to re-plug the monitor.
Sally: Then I don't re-plug the monitor.
Mark: Well this'll be interesting.
Sally: … Okay, I pissed you off, I get it. Will you please re-connect the wire for me?
Mark: It'll cost you more than mere kisses, sweetheart, for me to do that. Besides, I'm sat in between you and Paddy – I can't get out from the table!
Sally: Paddy, can you-
Paddy: Don't you go bringing me into this!
Sally: … Mark, promise me you won't force close the game with the keyboard shortcut when I get up, okay?
Mark: Four kisses and a cheeky grope seals the deal?
Sally: … No.
(Keyboard presses)
Mark: Then I guess-
Sally: No!
(Slap)
Paddy: Oof!
Neil: Ouch, that sounded glorious over the mic.
Mark: … Brr! That rattled the skull a bit.
Sally: I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hit you so hard.
Mark: Kiss it better?
Sally: Don't push it. I'll stroke your cheek better instead.
Mark: I'll accept your partial down-payment.
Sally: This is my final offer – take it or leave it.
Mark: Fiiiiine. Captain, take the wheel while I take a gamer break for a few minutes. Mmm... Is there anything sweeter or purer than a woman's caress? A Kazi caress. The cleanest, best pleasure.
Paddy: This is getting weird now. I may carry my laptop down the hall actually.
Mark: Please do. Gives me and Kaz more room to-
Sally: -We are not finishing that sentence.
Mark: I remember when Moonstone was supposed to be fun!

Chapter VII: The Feuds Start Coming And They Don't Stop Coming



Sabbie: … Well, well, well... We meet again, friends.
Arnie: … Wait, is that a-...
Sabbie: Is that a fabulous hotshot ginger ninja? Yes, yes it is! Hello there.
Miri: … How... How... Did you get in front of us with us in a car and you... Just being you?
Sabbie: Tsk, tsk! (Giggles) That would be telling.
Arnie: Hey everyone, we seem to have a third hacker in here.
(Two consecutive bloops again from earlier)
Suki: (Coughs exaggerated) Try more than that...
Arnie: Sorry?
Sally: What my partner is trying to say is – Sabrina is no hacker. And the two of us are not hacking. However, if there is anybody out there who is hacking, we couldn't possibly say for certain.
Mark: I didn't tell you you could stop stroking my cheek!
Sally: Oh give it a rest Mark, you've already recovered.
Mark: I legit can still feel your hand print on my face... I... I kinda' like it, actually.
Lindsay: We don't need to know what you two are into.
Sally: Keep me out of this please.
Sabbie: Can I join you two now? Again? Without interruption of deer and all that. I have marshmallows.
Arnie: Oooh Marsh- hang on a minute, aren't they crap in this ga-... I mean, aren't they... Um.... (Mutters) How do you keep RP in... (Normal volume) Aren't they just peasant tier?
Sabbie: Ssssh! Ignore those numbers you see with your eyes. What matters is they're soft, fluffy, and calorie-free! Calorie-free, because, y'know... (Mumbles) digital, not real... (Normal volume) Plus, they're pink! Mmm!
Miri: … No free rides. At least help us as a team if we take you.
Sabbie: No marshmallows?
Miri: No. Ninja assistance is essential. A non-negotiable.
Sabbie: (Frustrated sigh) You guys don't mess about... I'm being smothered with this haggling, but fine. I can accept these terms.
Miri: Hold out your hand! I've just secured us a super-human fast little ninja creature.
Sabbie: Indeed you have. I... Think that's a good thing? For you. For me, it's neutral I suppose.

Paddy: So who's actually unhappy with their partners right now?
Helen: I am.
Howie: I am.
Paddy: You two didn't hesitate there. What happened to two of our most mature folk teaming up and doing things well?
Neil: Sounds to me like voodoo BS got in the way.
Jamie: I expected better from those two to be fair.
Sabbie: Son I am disappoint of the highest order.
Helen: Sorry, but Howard is essentially ruining our chances by being super paranoid of everyone and everything.
Howie: You're too trusting, is what it is!
Alex: Did Helen seriously just imply Howie is a buzzkill?
Jenny: Helen ain't too trustin' 'Owie. We's would never do anythin' bad to 'er above ennybody else in Moonstone. She can trust all she likes, we all got 'er back, ain't we?
Howie: It's not that others would betray us, but they could let us down. Get cocky, or make stupid mistakes, be distracted.
Helen: Howard, I don't know if you considered how many people here with us today are regular gamers. I am not one of those. You barely qualify yourself, but you're still not at the level of half of the people we're with here. You honestly think that they're the ones we should be worried about making mistakes and not ourselves?
Gwen: … You've been listening to the shit the rest of them have done today and last week, right? Blowing each other up, running each other over, being caught by missiles, drink driving and getting into accidents, actual in-fighting and sabotage. Howie has a point.
Howie: Thank you, emo girl!
Gwen: I'm not-... Would you stop calling me emo girl? Having a dyed purple fringe does not make me an emo.
James: No, but your attitude also helps...
Gwen: What's that supposed to mean, Jammy?
James: (Sighs and whispers) I hate that nickname so much...
Mark: I will defend all emo babes with my life, thank you very much.
Maria: Oh fuck off.
Lindsay: (Scoffs and snorts)
Gwen: Yeah, what Maz said.
Mark: I would say I'm not happy with half of my posse either, but, with the level of abuse I've had during these sessions, I am very unhappy with most of you, quite frankly.
Harry: I don't think most of them care, to be honest with you, Mark...
Mark: I only need my angels to care. Jessie-Wessie?
Jessie: Mwah!
Mark: Al-right! Lizzie-Wizzie?
Lizzie: Uh... We haven't had anything to do with each other in this yet, so...
Mark: Good enough for me! Tessy-Wessy?
Terri: … Oh Mark...
Mark: I get goosebumps hearing you quiver when you say my name like that...
Terri: Actually, I was having difficulty deciding what my overall impression has been. Don't get me wrong, usually, I love you, but... You are a disaster today, I'm sorry.
Kendra: This statement is endorsed by The Apocalypse Cats. Except Jess apparently. Though let's be real, we all forget she's supposed to be one of us as well.
Mark: … I'll show you all.
Paddy: You make it to Huldergard, bro!
Mark: Y'know something?... Thanks buddy, you too! Never thought you'd be one of my final friends.
Paddy: Oh, it's not that. I still want to slay you myself on the final road.
Mark: Ah-ha, indeed... One should not forget that.
Neil: And I'm still taking on Jamie.
Jamie: You mean you're still offering yourself up to slaughter.
Bruno: Anyone who kills me is racist for the rest of the weekend. Just saying.
Howie: That... No, you can't use that power here. Can we get a group vote on that?
(Almost immediate overload of everyone denying the power)
Bruno: In this day and age, as I live and breathe...
Alex: Relax – you, me and Ken have our shit together. The good old classic trio, together yet again.
James: Hey, we used to be a foursome!
Alex: And you left us for Jules. Sucks to be you. Whatever happened to Kings' Whinging Woody, huh? Now it's Jilted James. Jilted by us, he claims. Boo-hoo.
Kennedy: Give him a break, he's-
Alex: A break you say?... Would you look at that, just as we spy a car on the approach that seems to contain such a person. And Paddy too.
Paddy: Yo.
Alex: Yo yourself. I hear your partner is being sulky about our own awesome crew.
Paddy: I never get involved in your politics. You guys have always been a strange, eccentric bunch. Jammy the complainer and argumentative twat, Ken the wussy sensitive girly nerd, Bruno the... I hate to say it, but, the black guy. And you, Al... more or less the Chad of the group without the muscle.
Lindsay: (Slowly giggles, growing into a deep cackle) Oh-ho-ho... ! He's only a Chad in his mind, man! Seriously, on what planet?
Paddy: Maybe that's the wrong term then.
Lindsay: Uh, fucking duh.
(Blip)
Alex: What was that?
Bruno: I'm requesting permission to swap positions with you. Let me drive.
Alex: Why?
Bruno: Just accept it.
Alex: … Ken, do you mind?
Kennedy: … I don't mind. But I don't really know what's going o-
Bruno: -Thank you... Take this.
(Crash)
Paddy: Hey!
Bruno: Is being black my only notable quality?
Paddy: No. No! That wasn't what I meant man, I-... Hang on, you are so pulling my leg here! You don't give a shit about any of that usually.
Bruno: … Yeah, I just wanted to make an excuse to do this.
(Crash)
James: Back off Bruno, as a member of The Awesome Foursome.
Alex: We're The Tricksy Trio now James, didn't Bruno ever tell you that?
James: Hey, Bruno was my friend before we met you and Ken! And you and Ken knew each other before me and Bruno. So why am I the only one outcast?
Alex: Dead girlfriend, that's why!
James: Dead? But-... Oh, right, yes, “dead”. Sorry Jules.
Julie: … (Sighs)
James: Y'know what? Pad, keep the car on the road for once.
Paddy: What do you mean “for once”? What kind of flight risk do you think I-... What are you doing?
James: I'm jumping over to their car.
Paddy: I didn't even know you could do that in this!
Sally: Oh yeah...
Suki: Yeah, definitely...
Sally: Absolutely...
Paddy: Shut up you two dorks!
Sally: Don't make me reach over Mark to get you.
Mark: Please do Paddy, keep doing what you're doing. Once she enters my personal space again I'm totes capitalising on it.
Sally: … Changed my mind. Not worth it.
Mark: Boo.
(Crash)
Alex: Go on Bruno!
James: Here we go...
(Crash)
Alex: Knock that moron off his car, haha! I so love the ragdoll physics he's about to show off.
Kennedy: Is all of this really necessary?
Alex: Shut it, Ken!
James: Aha! Made it!
Paddy: Great! Okay, goodbye then.
James: Don't slow down, keep up with us!
Paddy: I don't know what you want from me!
James: Help me once I get this car of theirs pulled over!
Bruno: Even if you manage that, it's three V two here.
Kennedy: I'm not getting involved.
James: Move over Ken.
Kennedy: Ah! Ow!
Bruno: He's got into the car! Al, Ken, get him!
Kennedy: Why are you hitting me?
James: I'm sorry but I gotta' do this. You're in league with them.
Paddy: Attacking the non-hostile one isn't the smartest move, Jam.
(Crash)
Paddy: Have I got to take them out myself?
James: Oh wait, hang on.
Bruno: Agh! Al, he's hitting me! Kill him already! It's messing with my controls each time I'm hit.
Alex: My pipe has an accuracy penalty in the car, I keep missing most of my hits!
Paddy: He's swerving all over the place. Time for a P.I.T. Manoeuvre.
James: Now, Paddy!
(Crash)
Alex: Shit, stop it spinning!
Kennedy: Ugh, this is sickening! I'm changing out of first person camera...
(Multiple crashes, then silence from all players involved)
Jamie: Tell me they're all dead.
Paddy: No... I don't think so. They careened off the road onto a low hill and managed to roll the car. And hit a tree hard at the same time.
James: I'm coming out!
Mark: Don't let Jules hear you say that...
Neil: (Scoffs)
James: Funny.
Alex: Not so fast! Get back here!
Bruno: Damn it, I'm dazed. My character can't move yet.
James: Jules had the same thing last week.
Gwen: Car liability follows you guys.
Kennedy: Okay, okay, hold on. I'm getting out too, but let's all calm down and-
Alex: Nope! Not happening. I'm gonna' make you pay. Let me just access the car's trunk a sec...
Bruno: I can move, I'm getting out now too.
Paddy: James?
James: Help me out here in a proper fight?
Bruno: I told you it's going to be three V two.
Kennedy: No it isn't.
Alex: No it is- wait, what?
Paddy: Woah, where are you going?... Don't get into our car!
Kennedy: I'm just sitting in the back seat. No matter what happens, we'll be leaving in this car, right? I'll wait for whoever.
Alex: You... You swine! You traitor! You turn your back on me, your OG?
Kennedy: This is between you, Bruno and James. Team work should be making the dream work.
Bruno: Think fast, James!
James: Oof! You bastard.
Paddy: Here, allow me to- damn it!
Bruno: I'm a brawler build, I can keep you two at bay even if I'm not dealing major damage yet. Al, come make the difference.
Alex: Here we are!
(Chainsaw starts up)
Alex: Kept this baby a secret stashed away, haha!
Paddy: Uh-oh...
James: We're fucked...
Alex: Scared yet?
(Chainsaw noises clashing against metal)
Kennedy: Is it really necessary to show off by slashing it against the car? Stop wasting time.
Alex: I just want to get in their heads. Hear this noise rattle on as it's the last thing they're gonna-
(Boom)
Kennedy: … Heh...
Bruno: Al!
Arnie: Did he set the car ablaze?
Paddy: Yep.
Sally: Oh, boys...
Bruno: Al!
Alex: It burns! But my health is tanky. I'll die, but I'm taking you with me!
Bruno: … I'm going to go to the working car. My work is done here.
Paddy: James, run!
James: I'm trying to kite around Al.
Alex: Come here you!
Paddy: Bruno, unlock the doors, you dick!
Bruno: Nah, not happening.
Alex: I'm coming for you all!
Kennedy: If he gets close to the car Bruno, he'll take both of us too!
Bruno: Hmmm... I'll make the conscious decision to allow it.
Kennedy: Here.
Bruno: I'm denying your request to take control. Ow! Don't hit me!
Kennedy: I can unlock my own door and shuffle seats in the back then.
Paddy: Thank you...
Bruno: You let him in!
James: Paddy! How am I meant to-
Alex: Ugh, shit... I'm dead.
Bruno: … Fine, get in James.
James: Thanks.
Bruno: I'm driving though.
Paddy: After that display? We'd best not let you.
Bruno: You aren't so hot yourself.
James: Then I'll drive!
Bruno: You're a better scrapper to be fair. Don't want you focused on the driving.
Kennedy: … I'll drive.
Bruno: I don't like it, but maybe we can all agree on it if nothing else. Let's swap positions.
James: Onwards!

Lizzie: So far, so good.
Karen: This is my best moment right now.
Terri: I'm still not sure of any of this...
Lizzie: Just keep those petrol bombs handy, and hopefully if we ever do have to fight, we can keep it in the cars.
Terri: Well we can't do much else.
Mark: The Armada will be useful for that too. And Lizzie's driving ability.
Terri: We left the Armada. We kept the Blizzard, and stuck to one car.
Mark: … Why not take the Armada and leave the Blizzard?
Terri: We just... Well, we just went with it. No real thought behind it, honestly.
Suki: Weren't those raiders after you guys in the Blizzard?
Lizzie: I stole it from them, and then freed Karen. And then Terri came along and we-
Sally: Yeah, you should've kept the Armada.
Terri: But why?
Sally: The raiders could still find you regardless, but if they spot you they'd do so faster if they recognise the car. It's a bit like a police wanted system in other games. A car change would've had the chance of disguising your characters from them.
Terri: … Oh.
Karen: I'm sure it'll be fine.
Kendra: That's optimistic.
Harry: Hey, is that you over there?
Jamie: That question isn't helpful to anybody, Harry. Who's what over where?
Harry: The Blizzard. Slow up a sec... Yeah, that's you! To your left, I'm coming over the hill!
Terri: Oh, in the jeep?
Harry: What? No, I'm on foot.
Karen: Behind you!
Harry: Huh? I- Woah, that jeep!
Gwen: You didn't hear us?
Harry: My voice chat is louder than game sound.
Alex: Ahem!
Gwen: Shut up, you're dead – you can't even preach the immersion crap onto us now.
Alex: This is the saddest news.
Lindsay: Make way, make way, we're coming through!
Terri: Wait, you're heading straight for us!
Lindsay: Yuh-huh.
Karen: Eliza, hit it!
Lizzie: On it!
Harry: Wait! Don't leave me behind guys! My car broke down and I was going to hitch a ride with-
(Gunshot)
Kendra: Boom, headshot. Terrorist down.
Harry: No fair...
Lindsay: See ya'.
Neil: And that sounds like Harry down.
Harry: I didn't even stand a chance!
Kendra: Scoped rifle. And you were out in the open so an easy target even if we were all moving.
Suki: Wow.
Arnie: Hackers' praise. Collect three rank points.
Sally: Go away.
(Two consecutive bleeps)
Mark: Who's doing that? It gets on my nerves.
Paddy: I don't even know what that is.
Sabbie: I thought it was spawn noises at first, but... (Mumbles incomprehensibly to say “I dunno”)
Nicky: It sounds like when a computer crashes.
Miri: Don't be stupid, even I know it's not that.
Suki: Can we drop it? More exciting and immediate events are unfolding here.
Harry: You know what it is!
Suki: Shush. You're dead now. Sit quiet with the other nice ghosties.
Maria: We're comin' after you!... Eventually. Truck's a bit slow, but we only need to get in range.
Mark: Hold up, hold up... You're going after my Terri?
Maria: Not your Terri.
Terri: Not your-... Wait, yours? Really?
Maria: Kenny, take the shot!
Kendra: I'll try from here, hold her steady.
Mark: Stop this at once! I'll come there myself and settle it personally!
Lindsay: You don't even know where we are, so you stay out of this!
Jessie: We don't even know where we are!
Mark: Captain! Do not let our weaknesses become known to the enemy.
Jessie: Right! Sorry... Wait, but I am an Apocalypse Cat. This... Oh no, my platoon and my other platoon at war! This is insanity, I can't decide what to do!
(Gunshot pings off the car)
Kendra: Missed.
Terri: You did not miss!
Kendra: For all intents and purposes, I missed. You're still moving.
Mark: Terri, throw the petrol bombs at them!
Maria: You're officially an enemy of The Cats.
Mark: Stuff your Apocalypse Cats. This isn't The Desert Cats. Never will be!
Gwen: Jess, represent the squad.
Jessie: I'm sorry I have to do this Squadron Leader M...
Mark: Don't fight me!
Jessie: I have to! For the cats!
Mark: You're a Desert Cat, not an Apocalypse Cat. Don't listen to those foreign felines. You play with your own yarn and scratchy posts, not those feral abominations that have bent whiskers.
Jessie: I...
Neil: The fuck am I listening to?
Jessie: … But we don't just sit around and purr, we're going to-... (mumbles) furuf... -cking roar!
Mark: No! I never thought I'd live to see the day where you of all people would betray me. I'd sooner have expected Terri to turn on me but not you... !
Jessie: Nicky, help!
(Gunshot)
Kendra: Missed again, damn it!
Nicky: Right! I'm sorry Mark...
Mark: You dare touch me and I will end the three of us right here. I will! I'll do it!
Jessie: He's bluffing, he'd never hurt me!
Nicky: But he may hurt me...
Mark: You're damn right I will!
Jessie: Rawr!
Mark: No! Right, fine, I'm pulling over to settle this...
(Gunshot, glass smashing)
Kendra: Almost! I could pick them off in the car!
Mark: Terri!
Lizzie: Terri!
Terri: Oh, r-right... Um... So I light it and-
Lizzie: Not inside the car! Aim first, then light, then throw.
Terri: Here we go...
Maria: Kenny...
Kendra: I have to manually chamber every round, I can't-
(Smash sound and flames)
Terri: Not far enough! I don't think I'm strong enough to throw it at them from here.
Lizzie: Get back in!
(Gunshot)
Terri: That was close.
Lizzie: Get ready for another one right after they take the next shot.
Terri: But it won't reach.
Lizzie: Just do it, but don't do the throw until I tell you.

Jessie: Where are you going Marky?
Mark: Here!
(Slam against metal)
Nicky: Why are you hitting the car?
Mark: Both of you, out.
Jessie: Okay...
Mark: I hate to do this, but let me make an example of Private, Corporal Felling or whatever rank he is now.
Nicky: No!
Mark: What? Since when did you have the counter ability?
Nicky: Why are you trying to hit me?
Mark: Accept your fate.
Jessie: No!
Mark: This is your doing!
Jessie: Ow!
Nicky: Jess!
Jessie: Ouchies, that hurt...
Nicky: Hy-aah!
Mark: I don't think so.
Nicky: What? Agh!
Mark: I can't counter, but I can block. And the block stops you from countering me again. So! I don't want to hurt you both any further, but I will if you make me. What's it going to be?
Jessie: … Okay, you're right. I- Huh? What are you doing?
Nicky: We're... Bound up?
Mark: Cable ties are one of my custom perk starting items. I don't often get to use them. Now I'm placing you both in the car and only I have control until I feel like letting you be free.
Jamie: You've fantasised about this before, haven't you?
Mark: What?
Jamie: Tying Jess up. I remember when we did that Captain Tam-Tam prologue thing that we never finished.
Mark: That is for me to imagine and to not say out loud.
(Gunshot, tyre popping)
Kendra: Direct hit!
Lizzie: Terri, go! I can control this.
Terri: Okay, um... Aim, light, and-...
Lizzie: Throw!
Terri: There!
Lindsay: She's slamming the brakes hard, Maz! Swerve!
Terri: I did it! I hit them!
Lizzie: But now the tyre's out, we can't escape.
Kendra: Shit, I'm fucking dead! I burned quick.
Maria: Bail out before it engulfs you!
Lindsay: Yep.
Gwen: No need to tell me.
Karen: Now what do we do?
Maria: I'll tell you what we do. Three on three seems fair.
Arnie: Cat fight!
Karen: But I'm a kid! That's not fair!
Gwen: I don't wanna' harm Kay.
Maria: Then we take her with us, but I'm after one very specific person.
Terri: (Groans)
Lindsay: Leaves me with the remaining person.
Lizzie: Wait, someone's coming.
Lindsay: Again? Who... ?
Neil: … Oh no, not me. Nope, I'm driving straight past you guys. I'm not letting you drag me into-
Terri: I'll hurl this petrol bomb at you if you don't stop and help us right now!
Neil: This is so unlike you... Damn it, fine.
Karen: Wooh! Go Theresa! Such fierce, very wow.
Neil: Quick, get in!
Maria: No, Kenny – shoot- oh you're dead. Quick, who has the gun?
Gwen: I don't.
Lindsay: Shit, it was in the truck.
Maria: No way.
Lindsay: Way...
Karen: Get us out of here, Neil!
Neil: Okay. But you better-
Terri: I got our supplies, don't worry.
Neil: Wow. Mark did teach you something useful.
Terri: I was a bit more prepared this week. Not so much combat, but for emergencies and having to act fast.
Karen: I'm feeling really confident about all this now. Look at us, such a good strong tea-
(Gunshot)
Neil: Woah, shit!
Lizzie: Karen!
Terri: Karen? Oh Tilly...
Karen: … Well goodbye then. Who did that?
(Silence)
Mark: Mimi!
Maria: Don't look at us. We got no gun, and they're out of our sights now.
Mark: Who else has guns?
Sally: We have a couple of pistols but we're not killing on sight.
Jenny: I gots a couple in tha' trunk but I ain't used 'em yet an' ain't given 'em to 'Owie or 'El' yet as they're now wi' me.
James: None here.
Sabbie: Not here.
Jamie: (Clears throat)
Miri: Jamie?
Jamie: What?
Miri: You had a rifle before too, when you shot the drink out of my hand.
Arnie: You killed Kay-Kay!
Jamie: … In my defence, I aimed for Neil. Wind simulation made me miss since I was so far away.
Neil: No honour, Jamie. Thought we were fighting with fists.
Jamie: Only if we both make it to Huldergard. Anything goes until then.
Neil: I'll remember that. Kid killer.
Jamie: Yawn.
(Two bleeps)
Lindsay: Will whoever keeps doing that piss. Off?
Arnie: It's the hackers, we told you!
Sally: We aren't hackers!... And we're not doing that!
Bruno: But you know what it is.
Suki: Maybe we do, maybe we don't.
James: Don't play cute with us, Bluebell.
Suki: Shut up.
James: I'm sorry.
Sally: Respect the powers that be, folks. Things get more serious from here on out.