Afternoon 001 - Pedo Paddy, Bloodlust Lizzie and Pony Rides (Part 1)

This episode originally aired in November 2013

Nicky: DISCLAIMER! Um, this show features language that is seen as rude and bad for this time. Lots of swearing. Looots of swearing. So much swearing, it’s even bad for late night viewing on TV. So if you’re offended, TURN AWAY NOW!
Mark: Yep, it may be just after the lunch hour, but radio regulations down south state that as long as we give a decent warning, like now, we can do whatever the fuck we want. No watershed.
Nicky: THE LANGUAGE! What was the need!?
Mark: Bye-bye Nicky, you’re too young for this coarse dialect.

Paddy: Ok, um… Testing?
Mark: How do ya’ wanna’ do this?
Paddy: Um… Can the guys hear us?
Mark: Harry’s giving us the thumbs up there. How about each other?
Paddy: I can hear you fine.
Mark: Because we’re sitting right next to each other. But what about the mics? We need to check the lag on ‘em.
Paddy: Alright, so what do we do?
Mark: Run downstairs to the cafeteria, and we’ll see how it goes.
Paddy: Markus Darius?
Mark: Ok. You say Markus, then I’ll say Darius.
Paddy: Gotcha.
(Footsteps moving away and the door opens and closes)
Mark: You online, Sal?
Sally: Affirmative. Locked, loaded, ready.
Mark: Very good.
(Door opens and closes again)
Miley: Well hello there kids.
Mark: Oh bloody hell, what do YOU want Milo?
Miley: Thought I’d check out the swanky new pad… Where is it?
Mark: Har-har. If insulting our workspace is all you want to do, then please leave.
(Crackling sounds over the mic)
Paddy: Markus?
Miley: Aw, but then why ruin the good fun I can have by taking the piss?
Paddy: Markus?
Mark: You’re just jealous Milo, jealous of all the great things we have going on.
Paddy: Markus???
Miley: Jealous of what? All you lot seem to do is dress in role-playing outfits and be absolute morons when you aren’t just pissing around on national TV. The only redeeming feature you have-
Paddy: -Markus?-
Miley: -is Stephen Garland, but even he has stooped to your level in that bloody Tam-Tam rubbish as that character Darwin or whatever.
Mark: It’s Darius, actually.
Paddy: Whey! Finally!
Mark: … (Laughs) Paddy!
Paddy: (Laughs) Yeah, I think the lag is really bad on your end.
Mark: (Laughs)
Miley: Urgh, Peter Walsh… I’m bored now.
Mark: Good, piss off. We got a show to run!
(Door opens and slams shut angrily)
Paddy: Ok, I’m heading back up now. Let’s get this show on the road!

Afternoon 001: Pedo Paddy, Bloodlust Lizzie and Pony Rides

Mark: Hannah…
Paddy: Eleanor…
Mark: Libby…
Paddy: Lottie…
Mark: Olivia…
Mark and Paddy: HELLO!
Paddy: And Wilma…
Mark: Emmanuelle…
Paddy: Linda…
Mark: Carol…
Paddy: Ophelia…
Mark: Martina…
Paddy: Ellen…
Mark and Paddy: WELCOME!
Mark: To… An Afternoon With Mark & Paddy.
Sally: And Sally!
Mark: And Sally…
Sally: Yay! Is me. Hiya.
Mark: Ok, that’s enough now. Quieten down.
Sally: …
Paddy: So uh, yeah. This is our new radio show, as you’ve all been aware of for… A reasonable amount of time… Uh… (Laughs) It’s been a very long time coming. A VERY long time.
Mark: But now we’re here!
Paddy: … Should I play the opening then?
Mark: By all means.



Mark: … I was always meant to ask you.
Paddy: What?
Mark: What the point of the Hwarian-inspired theme tune was for.
Paddy: Oh, that!… I dunno, I felt it was more cultural for being down south. Like, so everyone remembers where we are.
Mark: I’m pretty sure everyone already remembers where we are but… Nevermind. Shall we just move on?
Paddy: Alright! Where shall we start?
Mark: One moment, I’ll just check my schedule notes…
(Flipping of paper)
Paddy: … (Laughs)… A lot of preparation time has gone into this show, as you can see.
Mark: Hey, it has too! Week one is just confusing because we wanted to do a trial run of all or most of our planned segments so… Ah-ha, yes, alright. We were supposed to introduce ourselves properly.
Paddy: Ok then. Well do you wanna’ start?
Mark: I can do. Ok, hello everyone. I’m Mark Davison as you all know, also known as Ant from Kings Of The Desert. Yeah, hi, that’s me. Erm… Well, Paddy? You wanna’ tell the listeners a few facts that they may not know about me?
Paddy: Oh, alright then. Well… 1. He is partially deaf in his right ear and partially blind in his right eye.
Mark: Uh…
Paddy: 2. His childhood celebrity crush was Elissa Falk who he happened to go on a lunch date with a couple weeks ago.
Mark: Ok, I’ll give you that one, but-
Paddy: 3. He was actually an accidental birth.
Mark: Aw c’mon! Why did you-
Paddy: 4. In Denland, he has a criminal record.
Mark: Well… I…
Paddy: And 5. He has two wives that he is currently married to, and has been with both of them for almost two years.
Mark: …
Paddy: How’d I do?
Mark: … I should have asked you to run them by me before I let you broadcast them live on radio across the whole of Alterra.
Paddy: Maybe. So, now we discuss them points I made in more detail, right?
Mark: Right.

Paddy: So… The ear thing?
Mark: I’m not deaf in my right ear. In fact, it’s actually louder than my left.
Paddy: So you’re deaf in your left ear then?
Mark: No, ‘cause then if I have earphones in, the sound is more distorted in my right, but is better quality in my left. It’s just unbalanced ear drums, but I bet if other people concentrated hard, we’d find a lot of people have the same thing.
Paddy: Hmm… How about the eye then?
Mark: Well I’m short sighted in both eyes, but equally. Officially my left eye is better than 20/20 vision, and my right eye is slightly worse than 20/20 but an equal and opposite amount, so it averages out at 20/20. I have a higher astigmatism in my right eye though, which I think is why things seem more blurry when I have just the one eye open.
Paddy: This is a lot more boring than I was hoping it to be. Ok, Elissa Falk, hopefully this will be more interesting.
Mark: Well what’s there to say? She’s a goddess. I love her.
Paddy: She’s 31. You’re 24.
Mark: I still love her. Besides, didn’t you once date a woman who was 34? Given you were 22 at the time…
Paddy: Ok, whatever. Tell us about the lunch date then.
Mark: We’ll go seriously off-topic if I do, so I’ll save that story for later.
Paddy: Ok then. She’s listening in today, right?
Mark: When this gets uploaded to the Moonstone forum, yes… Oh shit.
Paddy: (Laughs) Yeah exactly, careful what you say about her.
Mark: I’ve already said too much anyway so… Screw it, moving on.
Paddy: Ok, onto the accidental birth.
Mark: Well my mam wasn’t supposed to be able to have children. Yet somehow she managed to get pregnant. They weren’t even trying, that’s the thing.
Paddy: Ha! So even if she was supposed to, it was still an accident?
Mark: Yup. She went to the doctor, and he told her she had a viral infection.
Paddy: (Bursts into laughter)
Mark: She wasn’t so sure. So she went to another doctor who was all like: “Hey, guess what, you’re pregnant!”
Paddy: “Nooo! Why!? Now I have to name my child after a speck of dirt on the window!”
Mark: Exactly. Y’know what, it doesn’t bother me. They didn’t try, and weren’t married, so I should have been expected to be a bastard all along. And to be fair, I did my part well, caused plenty hassle for them and vice versa before I left ‘em behind. I do, however, wish I could find the first doctor and give him a piece of my mind. Fucking viral infection INDEED!
Paddy: Haha! Yep, it explains a lot.
Mark: Watch it, pal.
Paddy: Ok, how about this criminal record?
Mark: Um…
Paddy: What was it for?
Mark: Joyriding, funnily enough.
Paddy: Ah, so not bigamy or adultery?
Mark: What kind of a chap do you take me for?
Paddy: The kind that has two wives, but we’ll get on that in a sec. So, joyriding?
Mark: I had no car at one point, when I was 17. Terri had fallen ill and I don’t trust ambulances. I was with her so I knew it be best that I rushed her to hospital myself.
Paddy: I take it, it was worse than your average sneezes and sniffles.
Mark: Oh yes, she could barely speak or stay focused, passed out on me at one time, and I could see she was really suffering, so I wasn’t going to chance it. So I took my dad’s spare car and… Well… He got back home before I was back, I hadn’t told him the situation so he reported the car stolen to the police. They found us on the way back home and had me handed back in. My dad was spiteful enough to not drop the charges.
Paddy: Ouch.
Sally: Was the charge bad?
Mark: Well, I got a criminal record. So…
Paddy: You’ve been awfully quiet, Sal.
Sally: Meh, I’m just trying not to interrupt the flow here.
Mark: Well I got a permanent record, a fine of two hundred goldvessel…
Paddy: /Geez!
Sally:   /Wow!
Mark: And a ban from driving for six months. But since I didn’t have another car of my own for seven months, the ban seemed pretty pointless.
Sally: Well that sucks. Are your family always so insensitive?
Mark: Yep, ‘cause I then removed him as named driver from my policy, so he could never borrow my car in future. Before removing myself from Denland altogether. And look where that got me.
(Silence)
Mark: … Well I’m doing better than most people out there anyway.
Paddy: Heh, right-o then. So then this is the one everyone’s waiting to hear about. The multiple marriages?
Mark: Hmm, now this one is gonna’ be fun to explain…
Paddy: So for starters, it IS true, isn’t it? I mean we all know it is, but for the sake of our listeners, is it true?
Mark: Oh yes, it’s definitely true. Well, technically.
Paddy: Explain to people.
Mark: Right, well, there’s an old saying that is used in a lot of movies that everyone should be aware of: “What happens in Rivet City, stays in Rivet City.” People see this as a legend… It’s not, it’s fact. Whatever you are or whatever happens in Rivet City, isn’t classed as official in any other part of Alterra.
Paddy: Makes you wish that was where your criminal record was, huh?
Mark: Shut it. Anyway, we as a group, go up there quite a lot. It’s a big place with plenty to do, and it’s in Ferroper which is only about 100 miles north of here in fact, so it isn’t like it’s hard to get there. So we go there, drink a lot, go clubbing… Most of us anyway. So there was one time we went up there, we tried to get Lizzie to loosen up and have a drink or two… Or seven, as it turned out.
Paddy: With Lizzie being… Well, Lizzie, I’d have expected her to pass out before then.
Mark: She nearly had. But dear me, it was fun. So there was me, Maria, and Lizzie. The three of us just hung out together and let the others go do their own thing. We were sitting in a room all together and… I forget whose idea it was…
Paddy: Yours.
Mark: Probably Maria’s actually, to go get married. We were all completely hammered, so even Lizzie was like “Sure, why not!” And… We did. We woke up in the morning, all three of us in the same bed, still clothed by the way, and very… VERY married.
Sally: (Giggles) You hadn’t told me that story before, I just knew it had happened.
Mark: Yep, well… As it was in Rivet City, we aren’t classed as married anywhere else in Alterra. However, in Rivet City, we are still legally married together as a threesome.
Paddy: Euphemism central.
Mark: But also, you don’t need to have a ring as a symbol of partnership, it can be anything that can be worn. But when you’re geographically within Rivet City’s borders, you HAVE to wear the item by law.
Sally: I take it you guys don’t have rings?
Mark: Nope. I bought Lizzie a fairy necklace and Maria bought her the blue ribbon she sometimes wears in her hair.
Sally: Well, you know, “something new and blue.”
Mark: I bought Maria a leather wristband, and Lizzie bought her a choker.
Paddy: Classy,
Mark: It’s Maria’s style, that’s why.
Sally: And what did you get?
Mark: Well Maria bought me that new Obtura stainless steel watch that I wear on fancy occasions, and Lizzie bought me the custom Hallywell DW70 which had a blue screen and white L.E.D. numbers instead of red, which I wear quite a lot. Even right now in fact.
Sally: So… You all have to wear them items all the time when you’re in Rivet City?
Mark: Yep. It feels kinda’ weird when I’m wearing two watches. The day’s toughest choice is which watch shall I look at to tell the time?
Sally: (Giggles)
Mark: So yeah, I have two very lovely, very attractive, very terrific wives.
Paddy: Riiight… And how does Elissa feel about this?
Mark: I’ll call her after she’s listened to this show.
Paddy: Please, oh please, let us know how it goes?
Mark: I shall.

Paddy: Do you ever look at yourself and ask, “Wow! My hair is a mess!”?
Mark: Uh Paddy… What are you doing?
Paddy: Well I figured when we don’t have any real sponsorship or advertisements for the show, I’d get a bit of low-key sponsoring from independent local businesses that need funding and try to sell their products during the short intervals on our show!
Mark: Oh… I thought you were finally admitting that you need a haircut.
Paddy: HARK! Alas, no! I am presenting this wonderful product! Osprey Valley’s Shine ‘N’ Dine Hair Gel!
Mark: I don’t gel my hair, thanks. If anything, I sometimes use styling wax.
Paddy: Oh no! It isn’t THAT kind of gel!
Mark: Then what is it?
Paddy: Well if you let me FINISH! Shine ‘N’ Dine Hair Gel is a formula made of new herbal minerals that were recently discovered in Wells Forest in Trentham, designed for keeping your hair soft, smooth and full of colour!
Mark: Is this a woman’s product?
Paddy: It’s for both men and women, that’s the genius of it! All you do is apply it heavily through your hair, thickly. Then you rinse it out in the shower… Or bath, if that’s your preference. Then your hair is ready to shine AND dine whoever your sweetheart turns out to be. Whether it’s your average Joe, or Jolene, or maybe your upper market Clementine or Charles…
Mark: Or, if you’re REALLY a magnet, maybe even Elissa Falk or Mark Davison…
Paddy: Sure! If you’re not magnet enough to know that Paddy Swanson is the real deal in town.
Mark: Hey!
Paddy: My point is, whoever you’re dining, your hair will proudly make its way to their heart!
Mark: And that’s why it’s called Shine ‘N’ Dine?
Paddy: YES!
Mark: Marvellous!
Paddy: Available now, for the reasonable price of three simoleans.
Mark: That cheap?
Paddy: Like I said, they need funding! Stocks only available at Crosby’s Pharmacies in Emerald City, Hendersfield, Rockwell and Hunterstown!
Mark: … What if you wanted to woo Crystal, or Sapphire, or maybe even Silver?
Paddy: Wooing prostitutes is easy man! The gel ain’t needed!
Mark: And you would know?
Paddy: …

Mark: So, onto you now Paddy.
Paddy: Ok, so I’m Paddy Swanson. Hi there. Max Cooper from Kings Of The Desert, as you’ll already know, yay! Erm… Who wants to do me? Mark or Sally?
Mark: Go ahead, girl.
Sally: Alright…
Paddy: Ha! You could’ve spread so much dirt on me there Mark. What’s Sally gonna’ know about me?
Sally: 1. His full name is Paddington Oswald Spencer Swanson the Second.
Paddy: Huh, impressive that you knew.
Sally: 2. He has a current total of two thousand simoleans worth of unpaid parking fines on record.
Paddy: Yeah, uh, I’m getting that sorted as we speak…
Sally: 3. He was once accused of kidnapping.
Paddy: Wha-!? How did you know that!?
Sally: 4. Despite being as well known as he is, he’s regarded as the family jester back home.
Paddy: Um, ok, I think that’s enough. We really don’t need to go to-
Sally: And number 5-...
Paddy: Ok, I guess we do…
Sally: He holds the Alterran World Record for catching the most number of Jelly Tots in his mouth for a minute.
Paddy: Oh!… Well you ended on a nice one at least.
Mark: Thought I should explain, I told her what to say, so don’t be surprised by her extreme knowledge.
Paddy: I thought something seemed a bit unusual…
Mark: So your full name then, Paddy. Or PADDINGTON.
Paddy: (Sigh) Yes… Yes that is my name. There used to be a tradition in my family…
Mark: Where first cousins married and had a child named Sinclair before the age of 25?
Paddy: Um… No. We used to name our children after our great grandfathers. My great grandfather is called Paddington. But I adopted the stage name of Paddy when I… Erm… Got into the business.
Mark: Joined Moonstone?
Paddy: No, no, before Moonstone…
Mark and Sally: … ?
Paddy: So yeah, I was named after my great grandfather. And our middle names were our grandfather’s and father’s, respectively. So my grandfather is called Oswald, and my dad’s called Spencer.
Sally: Sounds like a posh upbringing.
Mark: Yeah, what happened when they raised you?
Paddy: Har!
Sally: If this is tradition though, why are you only Paddington Swanson the Second?
Paddy: … My family became a bit of a rebellious hippie sect a few years back.
Sally: Oh…
Paddy: So for a few generations, we didn’t follow the tradition. But then my grandfather wouldn’t put up with it anymore, so he reaffirmed the tradition and made sure it was stuck to from that day forth.
Sally: So, if you ever have a child…
Mark: HA!
Sally: That means his name would be… Oswald… Spencer… Paddington Swanson the whatever number?
Paddy: Yep. And from what I’ve found, he’d be the Sixth of that name.
Mark: What if it’s a girl?
Paddy: Then we follow tradition the same but with the female equivalents. So her name would be Rosemary Heidi Joanne Swanson the First.
Mark: Some people just don’t have a chance with their names, do they?
Paddy: It’s a tough world out there.
Sally: I want to know about these parking fines.
Mark: Me too.
Sally: Two THOUSAND simoleans?
Mark: How many cars did you have parked in that street?
Paddy: Just the one. I dunno, I just think sometimes “Ok, maybe this day, the warden won’t come.”
Mark: But he or she comes EVERY day.
Paddy: Evidently, this appears to be correct.
Sally: Then why don’t you move it? We have a station car park you know.
Paddy: Yeah, but I know fine well if I stop parking there, the warden won’t show up. But if I keep parking there, they’ll always show up and nab the other poor sods too.
Sally: But you’d be saving yourself HUNDREDS every week!
Paddy: I have my principles! And my principles come before logical reason.
Mark: I kinda’ understand where he’s getting at.
Sally: (Sigh) Boys…
Mark: How can you afford to live though?
Paddy: Through hard and dedicated work like right now. And as much TV work and panel show appearances as I can handle. Also, insurance money.
Sally: Insurance?
Paddy: Thanks to a loophole in my contract, I was able to file the damage done in Kings Of The Desert as third party damage so I got my house all kitted out for free.
Mark: At my expense though since it was “my firm” held accountable and it came out of my savings.
Paddy: Oh yeah! I forgot about that. Thank you for fixing my house up Mark.
Mark: I’ll be taking my last birthday present I gave you back please.
Paddy: Ok fine, here’s your hug back.
(Silence)
Mark: Get off me!
Paddy: (Laughs) Sorry.
Sally: I like how you reached over me to hug him, so instead of getting up and going over to him, you just put me in a Sally sandwich.
Mark: Oh, I could really fancy a Sally sandwich for lunch… Oh wait, we’ve had lunch early today. Eh, maybe tomorrow then.
Sally: Shall we continue?
Mark: By all means.

Sally: The kidnapping, Paddy? Wanna’ explain this to lil’ ol’ me?
Paddy: Uh, now this one is a bit awkward to talk about…
Mark: And what better place to talk about it than on live international radio?
Paddy: Well for starters, I’d like to point out I was FALSELY accused. It was just the public eye overreacting.
Sally: (Unconvinced) Uh-huh?
Paddy: … I was on a date with a girlfriend…
Mark: And you decided to steal some child and adopt them as your own?
Paddy: No! She WAS the child!
Mark and Sally: …
Paddy: … That came out wrong! She wasn’t a child, she was 19! But there were people who saw us together and… She was very young looking… People thought she looked TOO young.
Mark: Well perhaps it was the fact she was wearing them Python Pecker dungarees and carrying her favourite crayon set.
Paddy: She was quite short… And I carried her over my shoulder as a joke at one point and she was screaming to be put down…
Mark: Yeah, ‘cause this isn’t sounding dodgy at all now is it?
Paddy: Yeah, well, everybody jumps to conclusions. Didn’t help that she stayed the night and her parents were expecting her back and they were VERY paranoid and worried over everything so then the police got involved and it was all a big misunderstanding.
Mark: Yeah, I’m sure. But I bet it was all water under the bridge when they found the 12 year old under the floor.
Paddy: Wow. Bit of a low blow, don’t ya’ think?
Mark: Well you could’ve went lower, but you had no basement and you didn’t feel like cementing her within the foundations.
Sally: This has gone on a very distasteful tangent…
Mark: You’re right. I’m sorry Paddy. So you were just out with a youthful looking girlfriend and people jumped to conclusions.
Paddy: Correct.
Mark: Got a picture of her?
Paddy: Of Judy? Sure. Somewhere.
Mark: Quite an old fashioned name for a young girl if you don’t mind me saying.
Paddy: Well I was 21 then, so she’ll be almost 21 herself actually.
Mark: Would you mind awfully if you sent me a decent picture of her to upload to the Moonstone forum at the end of the thread of this show? Just so the listeners can see how young we’re talking.
Paddy: I suppose it isn’t the worst thing I could do. Alright then, I’ll find something.
Mark: Ta.
Sally: Now, the family jester thing. What’s so special about that? I mean, I’m kinda’ the jester in my family too.
Paddy: Well, I’m the jester in a literal sense, really.
Mark: Yeah, I hate having to wear them jingly hats and ridiculously stripy and bright costumes at family gatherings too.
Paddy: No, I mean… My dad designs terminal systems for large multinational businesses. My mom used to be manager of a popular show bar out in Salingeria. My grandfather owned a car dealership in Selvan and my other grandfather was a judge in some big courthouse up north.
Mark: And you’re…
Paddy: The jester. Literally. ‘Cause while the other people in my family had either fun, important, or fun AND important jobs, I have…
Mark: A VERY fun and EVEN MORE important job!
Paddy: If you say so…
Mark: Paddy, you’re fired.
Paddy: NO! I love my job!
Mark: Told ya’.
Paddy: … Ok fine! I wouldn’t want any other job, but still, in the eyes of my family…
Mark: You think it’s any different for me? They see me as a jester too.
Paddy: And what do they do again?
Mark: My dad’s a locksmith and my mam’s a healthcare assistant.
Paddy: See? They’re bigger failures than us!
Mark: Harsh, but fair. They still see me as having wasted my time. But oh wait a minute, I forgot… I don’t give a flying fuck about them.
Paddy: (Laughs) Good boy.
Sally: So this world record of yours…
Paddy: My proudest achievement. Yes?
Sally: When was this?
Paddy: It was back in 2009. There was me and my friend, Jack Stoker. Hello Jack by the way, if you’re listening… (Laughs)
Mark: Haha!
Paddy: Erm, basically me and him used to do a lot of work together. Before we were due work, we used to play a little game-he’d throw jelly tots and I’d catch them.
Mark: Simple enough game.
Paddy: A tasty game too. So yeah, we used to do it a lot so we got pretty pro. One day at work we had to entertain the audience for a moment whilst there was a short delay, and me and Jack decided to go on and do that. The delay lasted for ages, and someone decided to video us doing this amazing act. It was a few days later that the same person happened to find the Alterran world record for it was 108 at the time.
Sally: There was a record for jelly tot catching?
Paddy: Well sweet catching in general. As long as the sweet was smaller than the size of your average coin, about a centimetre radius. Jelly tots of course are very small so they counted. The record at the time actually used Blackstone Valley Chocolate Buttons. The official world record chaps couldn’t use the video as proof sadly, but it made them get in touch with me and Jack to do an official attempt. The video showed us do 113 jelly tots in a minute.
Sally: And you’re official record was?
Paddy: (Proudly) 119.
Sally: Wow.
Paddy: And it’s been unbreakable since. So mine and Jack’s names are still in the book.
Mark: How gutted would you be if someone broke that record?
Paddy: I’d get back in touch with Jack and get us to beat it again.
Mark: You guys still talk?
Paddy: Nah, I think he moved east. He used to talk of Yarasem, but then I heard rumours he was in Karetia. Sources tell me lately he’s now in Almasia.
Mark: And you intend to track him down how exactly?
Paddy: … Jack, if you’re listening, please write in and let me know where you are? Cheers buddy.
Mark: Brilliant. Who needs a private eye?
Paddy: Was that a euphemism?
Mark: Shut up.

Paddy: Your turn.
Mark: My turn?
Paddy: To advertise something, go ahead!
Mark: Ok, uhm… Boy, do you get hungry?
Paddy: Uh, well yeah, everyone does.
Mark: Just answer the question.
Paddy: Alright. YES! Yes I DO!
Mark: Are you tired of all the boring chow you see wall to wall wherever you look?
Paddy: Well actually I kinda’ like the new barbeque wrap from-
Mark: AHEM!
Paddy: I mean yes! YES! SO tired! I can barely keep my eyes open, I’m that tired!
Mark: Then you should swing on by Hamper’s Café in Emerald City on Lynn Drive. From tasty handmade sandwiches, to fresh homemade pizzas and bakery section, and let’s not forget their unique blend of tea and coffee! OR their specialty ice cream and fruit smoothies!
Paddy: Wow, my mouth’s just watering thinking about it…
Mark: So check it out, yo! Uh… Yeah!
Paddy: What if you don’t live anywhere near Emerald City though?
Mark: Then you’re screwed!
Paddy: Terrific!
Mark: Yay!

Mark: So…
Sally: So?
Mark: Onto you now, Sally.
Sally: Oh boy…
Mark: And it’s my turn to introduce.
Sally: … Oh BOY!…
Mark: No one knows who you are whatsoever though.
Sally: I thought that’s what I was writing my Rocky Report about though.
Mark: Correct. So for now, I’ll just give away some little it-bit facts.
Sally: Go on then.
Mark: Well 1. She’s been kicked out of college, her first year.
Sally: Yeah…
Mark: 2. She doesn’t have a full driver’s license and has to employ one of us to accompany her while driving.
Sally: Yep, true true.
Mark: 3. She claims to have had a relationship with a 32 year old man. She’s 18 by the way, folks.
Sally: Um, well…
Mark: 4. She’s spent the night in jail once for drunk and disorderly, and woke up with a 500 simoleans fine and a bad hangover.
Sally: Not such a proud moment…
Mark: And 5...
Sally: If this is worse than 4, I swear-
Mark: -She has her own band. Like almost every fucking Rocky these days.
Sally: Heh, yep, I sorta’ do.
Paddy: A couple of them facts weren’t all that interesting.
Mark: I know, I’m sorry, but it IS Sally. Didn’t have all that much material to work with.
Sally: Hey!
Paddy: So you’re a college dropout? That explains why Neil was calling you a poor commoner schoolgirl the other day.
Sally: I wasn’t kicked out, exactly. I was more, forgotten about and not enrolled.
Paddy: Huh?
Sally: Well I enrolled, chose my courses and stuff. I attended the first few days where we were getting taster classes. After that, they did a class register check in each subject, and none of them seemed to have my name on. So I went down to Student Services and it turned out, thanks to incompetent staff and oversight, I had been removed from the database and therefore wasn’t put in for any class, and wasn’t even shown as a student of the college. So that was that. It was only part time studies anyway since I now have my job here, but I don’t care anymore. I’m here.
Mark: Which is exactly what happens when you don’t go to get a decent education.
Paddy: You’re just a reject like the rest of us.
Mark: I thought you were gonna’ say “retard” there.
Paddy: Well that too. It IS Sally.
Sally: I didn’t come here to be insulted.
Mark: Of course you didn’t. However, it was only fitting that I gave you a little present.
Sally: What is it?
Mark: This.
(Fumbling around)
Paddy: (Laughs)
Sally: You’re mean.
Mark: Put it on! You’ll look adorable!
Paddy: By the way listeners, Mark got Sally a dunce cap.
Mark: There we go! Aww, now isn’t that the cutest sight you’ve ever seen?
Sally: Don’t patronise me.
Mark: (Giggles) There, there.
Sally: Don’t pat my head.
Mark: Whoops! You’re losing your hat there.
Sally: Aw, too bad.
Mark: Keep it on, unless you want me to get you a chinstrap to boot.
Sally: I’ll tell you something you CAN boot.
Paddy: Whoa, temper! She’s a live one, this girl.
Sally: You gonna’ ask me about my driver’s license or what?
Mark: Aw, but it was so fun bullying you.
Paddy: Besides, what driver’s license?
Sally: Har-har-har…
Mark: So come on then, tell us why you aren’t competent enough to pass your driver’s test, let alone your college years.
Sally: Well, because… I can’t afford to use the instructor’s car.
Mark: Then what about your own?
Sally: None of the instructors I’ve had would dare sit in it.
Mark: What’s wrong with it?
Sally: Nothing, it’s a perfectly working and well looked after Smoogo Azam.
Paddy: Ah, see, now there’s your problem. They think you’re a liar.
Sally: ME!? A LIAR!? Why!?
Paddy: Because there’s no such thing as a perfectly working and well looked after Smoogo Azam.
Sally: Har!
Mark: So lemme get this straight, you can’t do your driving test because no one wants to sit in your car?
Sally: And I can’t afford to use an instructor’s car. What does that tell you about my wages here?
Mark: Well given all the computer parts, systems and whatnot crap you have lying around your relatively fancy apartment that you own by yourself at the age of just 18, it appears I pay you too well. Try cutting back on things, live like a human being for once. Even if you are from outer space.
Sally: Thanks for that.
Mark: No problem.

Paddy: So this… “relationship” you mentioned… How did you guys meet? He rolled up in his white van, told you he had candy, and the rest was history?
Sally: Pretty much, yeah.
Paddy: I was kidding.
Sally: So was I.
Mark: Yeah, ‘cause we all know that you’re the only kidnapper here, Paddy.
Paddy: Screw you!
Sally: His name was John.
Mark: Typical middle aged man’s name.
Sally: Ok Old Grandpa 24-Year-Old Davison. I don’t see Elissa Falk being much younger.
Paddy: Hold on…
Sally: What?
Paddy: … How long ago was this relationship?
Sally: Erm, about March?
Paddy: Oh ok, thank the sands for that. I kinda’ thought it was earlier than that and you were actually younger than 18 at the time.
Sally: No, no, just no.
Mark: He locked her in his basement until she was old enough.
Sally: He treat me well though, and kept me fed.
Mark: I hope you’re joking again.
Sally: Maybe…
Mark and Paddy: …
Sally: Of course I’m kidding!
Mark and Paddy: Phew.
Sally: He was really sweet. And a true gentleman.
Mark: How did you guys meet?
Paddy: Was he your babysitter?
Mark: Pff!
Sally: Actually, he was my dad’s friend.
Mark and Paddy: …
Sally: … I’m not joking, by the way.
Mark: Um… And how is your dad?
Sally: He’s fine. He’s listening now in fact. Hi Daddy.
Mark: Oh, ok.
Sally: Why?
Mark: Well I half expected him to die of a heart attack when he heard the news of his young teenage daughter to be going out with his friend… How old is your dad?
Sally: He’s 43. It was a friend from work.
Paddy: Oh, your dad works at Paedophile’s-R-Us too, does he?
Sally: Yes Paddy, he does. Tell me, how much do they pay you over there?
Mark: Ok, ok guys. So tell us Sally, why it didn’t work out.
Paddy: Your dad had the “concerned father” talk with him and he panicked, right?
Sally: No, John was just looking for something more… Committed. Maybe that’s the wrong word, I was all for the commitment, but he was after a family and looking to settle down. I wasn’t ready for that.
Mark: Hmmm, I wonder why not.
Sally: There was nothing wrong with him, we were just at that age I guess. That age where we want almost the opposite things.
Paddy: Maybe in another life, huh? When you can both be born in the 1800s together.
Sally: Yes, and we can have our sweet 19th century gothic horror romance.
Mark: That’s given me an idea for a new book!
Sally: Go figure. Am I the lead?
Mark: Oh no. You can die in the first chapter.
Sally: Awww thanks Mark! You’re just the sweetest.
Mark: Aren’t I just.
Paddy: This one’s my favourite. You were arrested?
Sally: Oh, yeah. My 18th birthday bash. I never really drank a lot before then, but some of my friends decided to play some drinking games, do a lot of shots and… Well… My weak immunity to alcohol shone through. I can’t even remember what happened, and no one caught me so I guess I’ll never know what I did. Next thing I knew, I was in a jail cell overnight sleeping next to some homeless girl who apparently was arrested because she was a suspected prostitute.
Mark: This wasn’t in Emerald City, was it?
Sally: No, it was upstate. Amosinn, I think.
Paddy: ‘Cause Mark knows all the prostitutes around here.
Mark: Given there aren’t any, yes I do. Well, except for Starlet. Erm…
Paddy and Sally: Erm…
Mark: Ignore me.
Sally: So all I had to tell me about the night before, was my charge. In fact, I still have it here with me.
(Crumpling paper)
Sally: Reading glasses on. Ok, so… It was 30 simoleans for broken glasses. Drinking glasses, I mean. 75 simoleans for a broken window. 62 simoleans for a stolen cat. 87 simoleans for misusing the ambulance emergency service. 70 simoleans for a taxi fare from Amosinn to Dounloupe. 25 simoleans for ripping someone’s hat. And 112 simoleans for hospital bills of “innocent bystanders.”
Paddy: Innocent bystanders?
Sally: Apparently I sparked a riot at a low-key gig in some basement club…
Mark: So hold on, that collectively makes… 461 simoleans?
Sally: Quick maths.
Mark: Thank you. What about the other 39 simoleans?
Sally: Oh, it was 35 simoleans to get myself out of the cell. No one came to get me out. And since, strictly speaking, I wasn’t actually 18 for another couple of hours before I was arrested, I needed to be bailed out. Apparently though I was now 18, so I could bail myself out.
Paddy: You bailed out the minor you, as the adult you?
Sally: Pretty much, that’s how it worked.
Paddy: Grief.
Sally: Yes, I got a lot of that.
Mark: That still leaves 4 simoleans.
Sally: Tax.
Mark: You pay tax on a fine?
Sally: It was apparently the tip I left the taxi driver.
Paddy: A 4 simoleans tip for a 70 simoleans journey? He mustn’t have been happy.
Mark: He’s a taxi driver! Them buggers are never fricken’ happy!
Sally: Yeah, well, that was my first night out on the town. Actually, they won’t let me back in Amosinn. I’ve been banned for 12 month. Which means I can’t enter again until December 16th. Doesn’t bother me, I don’t plan on going back in a hurry anyway.
Mark: Yeah, hospitality must suck.
Sally: It did.
Paddy: So lastly, your band?
Sally: Yeah! I’m in a band!
Paddy: What kind of band?
Sally: Music band.
Paddy: Well I knew that! I meant what kind of music?
Sally: Punk-Rock mixed with Bubblegum.
Paddy: Sounds delicious. That’s really a type of music?
Sally: Yeah, we combined the genres and it turned out well.
Mark: What do you do in the band?
Sally: I play the cowbells, the guiro, and sometimes the recorder.
Mark: And that’s the typical instruments of Punk-Rock or Bubblegum?
Sally: No. But we put a bit of southern origin into the backing tune, so… That’s what they have me for!
Paddy: You guys do well?
Sally: As any home-grown band does, yeah. We’re no chart toppers, but we have a decent fan base here and there.
Mark: What’s the band called? So the listeners can at least look it up and see what the hell it’s all about.
Sally: The Lean Supreme Lizardettes.
Mark: And who’s idea was the name?
Sally: The two front guys, Roger and Trixie. They formed the group about 3 years ago, and I joined when I was 17, last August I think. So I’ve been in a little over a year.
Paddy: Lizardettes makes me think it’s a girl band.
Sally: Yeah, it does a little. But no, we have Roger as our main vocals, Trixie does female vocals and guitar. I do the instruments I said, plus occasional backing vocals with Kiara. Then we have Norm on the keyboards and sometimes the synth. And then Mitzy and Jonah do various things too, they’re our variety acts who plays just about anything.
Mark: I like your names.
Sally: They’re our stage names of course, except for Roger.
Paddy: Do you have one?
Sally: Sure! It’s Kazi.
Paddy: Kazi?
Sally: Yeah, I like it. It’s actually my middle name. I guess I took inspiration from you Mark, with Ant and everything.
Paddy: Your middle name’s Kazi?
Sally: My mum was a Sareanite anime fan. Hi Mummy, if you’re listening. Actually you won’t be, because you’re broke and have no electricity in your house now… Hi anyway!
Paddy: So, that was Sally.
Mark: … That was Sally.
Sally: That was me!

Paddy: Oh! I got a great advert idea!
Mark: And, here we go…
Paddy: No I’m serious! It’s brilliant!
Mark: What is it then?
Paddy: Ahem… Do you miss Kings Of The Desert?
Mark: Oh not you too! I’ve had enough of people hounding me about it.
Paddy: No listen, just hear me out. Do you miss Kings Of The Desert? Do you wish you could watch it back-to-back but either can’t afford the boxset or don’t have access to NSBRewind on the arcanet? Well tune in to NSB2 on Saturday nights from 8pm, where every week they play a double bill of episodes from the first season!… Well, the only season there is for now.
Mark: Excellent. Can we quit it now?
Paddy: Quit what?
Mark: Constantly going on about Kings Of The Desert. I’ve said time and time again, we will come back to it one day, just not yet as we have other scheduled works in the mix.
Paddy: But they’ll not happen until 2020, surely.
Mark: Nonsense! 2014’s gonna’ be a big turnaround for us.
Paddy: (Gasps) Does that mean Kings Of The Desert season two will-
Mark: -DON’T EVEN GO THERE! I’m saying nothing about it for now.
Paddy: Aw, but pleeeaaase?
Mark: No! Bad Paddy! Go away!
Paddy: Ok. Tra-lala-lala.

Paddy: So now that that’s all finally out of the way… What’s next?
Mark: Well, I guess it’s time for… The news!
Paddy: (Gasps) Oh my word, the news! For a moment, I was worried we were going to have a boring segment where we inform people of various happenings around Marvega in the format of some kind of report. But no, better than that, THE NEWS!
Mark: No need to be sarcastic Paddy, I entrusted the boring segment with the least boring person.
Paddy: Oh no, surely not.
Mark: Surely so! It’s over to you, our news anchor, Nicky!



Mark: I KNEW you were going to do that!
Nicky: What!?
Mark: What did I tell you? I said “Whatever you do, do NOT use The Insane Train as your theme tune.” What did I tell myself after you left the office that day? I told myself “I bet he’s gonna’ use another song by Arnie & The Owls instead, isn’t he?” AND HE DID! He used Bomber Jacket!
Nicky: Yaaaaaaaay! Bomber Jacket!
Paddy: You used the instrumental at least.
Mark: Yeah, great. Now it’s only slightly completely unbearable.
Paddy: I thought you liked Arnie & The Owls.
Mark: I do, but not when their songs chase me everywhere I go all day. Glad to see Floyd has his ice cream in the back of the image you provided us for the Moonstone forum by the way.
Floyd: Thanks! I thought it was a nice reference. To my love of ice cream!
Mark: This here, Floyd, is the guy who played Dixie the ice cream fanatic and inventor in Kings Of The Desert by the way folks, just so you understand the image when or if you get to see it. Anyway, let’s get this over with Nicky. Begin, the news! BEGIN!

(Theme song starts up in the background again)
Nicky: Ok! So… (Fumbles for what is clearly a rough script for him to follow) Mayor Nigel Jarvis has stated that he has delayed the restoration project for the roads in Dusty Springs for the fourth year in a row due to more important funding needed elsewhere, such as maintenance on the train tracks that pass through Shrivsbropvyville.
Mark: Shorvesburyville!… I mean SHROVESBURYVILLE, argh!
Nicky: Oh, right… Meanwhile, Darren Turner, the head of the Ministry for Public Services has stated that he intends to optimise the bus service in The Wasteland by introducing one bus that goes to Emerald City on a Wednesday at 5:20AM… And that’s it. Turner says he hopes this solitary bus will greatly increase the general ease of commuting in the local area. In other news, Selvan’s council have officially stated earlier that they will NOT provide free parking by the town hall nor by the port either for their upcoming annual Winter Warming fete which is next weekend, as they say they found the large numbers of vehicles was “catastrophic” and “unmanageable” in last year’s fete. And of course in Freedom County, the strange sightings of the “giant dogs” seen out on the county line in the twilight hours have continued their steady rate of complaints as more and more residents are becoming concerned with this mystery. A particular concerned resident had this to say to us earlier:
Resident: It’s just not safe, is it? I mean… Big dogs? Just running wild as they please every night and no one knowing where they come from? I mean these things are damn huge, they aren’t just your average friendly Lottie dog or Golden Retriever pup, no way, they’re like big fricken’ hyena things. Oh and they’re vicious! One of them snarled at me the other night when I was still about 500 yards away from it, I swear it! Something needs to be done about it, the people need something to be done about it. This is Freedom County, we want our FREEDOM BACK!
Nicky: And now, the weather! Floyd?
Floyd: Thank you Nicky. Ok, so we’ve had a pretty pleasant morning today in Kelderhope, and it looks to be remaining that way for the afternoon, although it’s possible we could be feeling a slight wind later on… Brrr! The forecast for the rest of the weekend is looking relatively mild and cloudy. Best enjoy it while it lasts because Monday seems to be kicking off with a very depressing shower that could get worse as the day goes on. Be prepared for dismalness. And now onto the sports… With Steve!



Steve: Basketball first, and the Kelderhope Raccoons did awfully… WELL, in the MBA Championship League yesterday against the Brookhaven Pumas in their away game, final score being 22-16, with Richard Sellers scoring the Raccoons’ final 2-pointer just 57 seconds before the end of the game. Elsewhere in the league, the Arianna Bulls finally lost their eight game win streak to the Charleston Hawks on Tuesday, losing their home game 19-20 after an intense overtime of six and a half minutes. In football, Abbeyway sailed on through on Wednesday against Hendersfield, beating them 2-0, a disappointing result for Hendersfield who had recently throttled their main rival-Grove Valley-a few weeks ago with a baffling 5-0 lead. Of course today’s big match is the great Rivet City against Alkea Hill, of which the score is currently 3-1 in favour of The Rivet. More updates on that game with Chase and Drakus’ show later this afternoon. Finally, in tennis, of course the ATT is well under way through it’s second week of playing in Elkland, tomorrow being the males singles final between #1 seed Ruben Gerard and #3 seed Liam Trotsky. The play is expected to commence at 1PM sharp, so stay tuned for that one too. And that concludes the sports. Back to the main studio.

Mark: Well that was less catastrophic than I feared, so good job there team! Marvelous.
Sally: So what next?
Paddy: Oh! We should do the Kings Of The Desert Awards, before we forget.
Mark: Ah, yes. Ok everyone, we know it was a long time ago now since we blessed your TV screens and computers with our graces and faces, more than a year ago now in fact! But we thought we’d like a tiny bit of feedback from you guys with regards, not to the writing or acting per se, but to typical basic likes and dislikes. In the form of a miniature award ceremony.
Paddy: So, here’s how it’s gonna’ work…
Mark: Today we’ll tell you the categories we came up with, and we’ll let you all cast your votes via the Moonstone forum.
Paddy: And maybe for our last show of the year…
Mark: We’ll tally ‘em up and award our awards to the awardees.
Paddy: So our first award is pretty straightforward: Who is your Favourite Character?
Mark: Yep. Which character is universally recognised as Alterra’s most loved? Is it perhaps adorable and nerdy Eliza? I hear she was a favourite.
Paddy: Or perhaps it was the lively and always surprising Mikey, or determined and imaginative Tammy.
Mark: Cool and slick Daryl?
Paddy: Or ice cream-aholic Dixie.
Mark: The awkward and unfortunate Wesley?
Paddy: Or the quirky and outspoken Alan.
Mark: You decide! Let us know, and we’ll award the winner as the favourite character of Kings Of The Desert.
Paddy: Of course, with that, who is your LEAST Favourite Character?
Mark: Is it snobby and egotistical Tim?
Paddy: Or slimy and wretched Kai.
Mark: Maybe you didn’t like the axe-wielding maniac Ken too much.
Paddy: Or perhaps you found one of The Desert Cats too bitchy.
Mark: Maybe you found Woody too whingy and a complainer.
Paddy: Or you felt that Ant was too loud and cocky.
Mark: Maybe Max was too… Maxey.
Paddy: That isn’t even fair.
Mark: Maybe you actually hated Mikey and found him excruciatingly unbearable and awfully annoying.
Paddy: Same applies to Tammy. But who can’t love a cape wearing heroine? Seriously?
Mark: My thoughts exactly. Anyway, again, let us know.
Paddy: Also on the awards list… the SEXIEST character.
Mark: Both males and females count separately. So Sexiest Male, and Sexiest Female are two different awards.
Paddy: Maybe you had the hots for country girl Meg.
Mark: Or maybe you couldn’t help but fall in love Wesley-style with Eliza.
Paddy: Maybe you saw stressed Chrissie as the adorable and cute-when-angry kind.
Mark: Or perhaps Billie was a sleek, elegant and classy lady.
Paddy: Or… Well, with the guys?
Mark: Erm… Well, Daryl?
Paddy: Luke, we know you’re listening. We know what you’re thinking. Stop it.
Mark: Put your trousers back on, and hang that Stephen Garland poster back up on the wall. NOW!
Paddy: (Laughs) Oook. Erm, well maybe you prefer the silent, brooding tough guy act of Miles.
Mark: Or the rugged… Slightly podgy… Gingery… Handsomeness that is Ralph.
Paddy: Erm…
Mark: Erm…
Sally: Erm…
Paddy: Anyway! Next award is for the Cutest, or Most Adorable Character.
Mark: Similar to the previous award, except they aren’t gender-separate. So maybe you can’t help but go “D’AWWW!” when you see Tammy prance around in her Captain Tam-Tam outfit.
Paddy: Or you cry with tears of joy as Mikey sings The Insane Train.
Mark: Tears of agony, more like.
Paddy: Maybe Chrissie’s frustration and bad luck makes her cute in your eyes. Or perhaps you see Eliza as very sweet and… Are we basically saying that any character could win any award so far?
Mark: Pretty much. We are using just about the same examples for each one.
Paddy: Sorry about that, folks.
Mark: Character You Wish To See More Of.
Paddy: Yes! Not necessarily your favourite character, but which character did you feel didn’t have a big enough part and you would like to see be more important in season two? Maybe Rob and Woody didn’t appear enough until the penultimate episode.
Mark: Maybe Miles hadn’t distinguished himself enough in the beginning.
Paddy: Maybe you didn’t see that flabby ball of ginger sex machine-Ralph-enough.
Mark: I’m sure everyone saw quite enough.
Paddy: The Desert Cats? Not enough rawring and clawing and playing with yarn and imaginative cat metaphors? No problem!
Mark: Chrissie? Not enough rawring and complaining about Meg and imaginative Dover decoration? Well tough luck! She’s not coming back!… Nah, I’m kidding. I dunno if she’s coming back. She said she was, last I checked though.
Paddy: We can talk more about her later.
Mark: Right. Character You Wish To See Wiped Out.
Paddy: Or See Less Of.
Mark: Opposite of the last award, who did you think you saw too much of?
Paddy: Ant and his cockiness.
Mark: Oi!
Paddy: Or Tim was too snooty for your liking.
Mark: Chrissie too paranoid and highly-strung?
Paddy: Meg too much of a whore?
Mark: Blah blah blah, the same old examples. Shall we hurry through with these now?
Paddy: Oh, ok.
Mark: Let’s just do a rundown of the awards.
Paddy: Ok, so we have: Favourite Character, Least Favourite Character, Sexiest Male, Sexiest Female, Most Adorable Character, Character You Want More Of and Character You Want Less Of.
Mark: Also, there is: Favourite Episode, Most Memorable Moment/Scene, and of course, the ultimate question: Sigfrid the First or Siggy II? Who is the better Siggy?
Paddy: And one last side question for you guys: Who do you like less: Ant or Tim? It’s a question that’s bothered us for a while, since they both appear to be pretty unpopular compared to the rest of the cast.
Mark: I thought I scored some brownie points with the scene where I take care of Ellie!
Paddy: You did, but then you ruined it when you copped off with Meg.
Mark: Damn it.
Paddy: Anyway, those are the awards we are awarding for the Kings Of The Desert Awards. Let us know which awardees you want to be awarded with which award of the awards to be awarded to awardees. Wow, that was a bloody hard sentence to say.
Mark: You can say that again.
Paddy: No I can’t, I nearly tongue-tripped the first time.
Mark: Well there you have it folks, get voting away. And also, guys, if you are guys, don’t feel bad about voting for Sexiest Male. Vice versa applies to the chicks out there, if there are any. It would help us a lot if we had at least some response.
Paddy: Luke’s vote alone for Steve and no other vote is… Expected, but not ideal.
Mark: Indeed.
Paddy: Anyway, onward.

Paddy: There was an advert here. It’s gone now.
Mark: Is this really what we’ve succumbed to?
Paddy: ‘Fraid so.