Afternoon 001 - Pedo Paddy, Bloodlust Lizzie and Pony Rides (Part 2)

Mark: I was planning on doing Roberta’s Reviews now.
Paddy: Where’s Roberta?
Mark: That’s the thing. Azaria.
Paddy: Helpful.
Mark: Well you know I wanted to introduce Roberta at exactly the right time, and now isn’t that, so… It’s just review time!

Review Time!

Mark: I have no image for the forum yet, not until Roberta actually takes over this slot.
Paddy: So what are we reviewing today?
Mark: Games!
Paddy: Ah yes.
Mark: Myself, Paddy and Sally have all been playing a different game each these last couple weeks, and now we will review them. Sally!
Sally: Yes?
Mark: You’ve been awfully quiet lately-you can begin.
Sally: Alright then. Well I’ve been playing a game called Prepare, Plate, Applaud. As the title suggests, it’s a cooking game!
Paddy: What are YOU doing playing a cooking game?
Sally: I like to think I can cook, when in reality, I’ve never seen the more complex side of a microwave.
Mark: Actually I’m the same, I live off a microwave when I’m on my own. But I’ve been playing this game too, and I feel like a master chef by playing it.
Sally: It’s a restaurant simulator game, but one that’s very in-depth and highly addictive. It’s out on computers and smartphones presently, with it being ported to tablets soon. They do recommend you play it on a bigger screen, so the phones are a bit awkward. I was playing on my laptop.
Mark: Oh… I’ve been playing on my smartphone.
Sally: Like a challenge, huh?
Mark: No, I just liked playing it on the move.
Sally: So anyway, in the game, you start out as a rundown wreck of a diner on some street. Like this one. You have to complete a checklist of objectives to go up a rank, and with each rank, you get better restaurant ratings and you can upgrade both the restaurant itself, and its menu, whether that’s new food altogether, or improve the existing food you already serve. You also have to do the chores as well as the cooking though.
Paddy: Is this game basically A Day In The Life Of Helen? ‘Cause that’s pretty much what she does in her day job.
Sally: Kinda’. But when you get so far, you can date people, and serve them food. How well you serve up, the better the dates go.
Paddy: Suddenly it all makes sense. I need to practice my cooking. I need this game.
Sally: Exactly! Well I really enjoyed this game, I’ve been playing it endlessly since I got it, really.
Mark: Yeah, same here. I’ve played it non-stop for about two weeks as it is and it had me hooked. Did you get it finished already?
Sally: No, not yet. I sometimes struggle to complete them objectives where you have to get big combos on serving perfect meals. Doesn’t help I serve all the complicated meals to get big tips, so I end up missing a few each in-game day.
Mark: Ah. I get perfect days all the time, but I never get more than 60 or so meals to serve, which gives almost 1000 simoleans. I’ve seen people serve over 140 in a day and make about 5000. But they serve all the steaks and meat and Azarian dishes and stuff. I serve salad, beer, wine, soda, coffee and ice cream.
Sally: (Giggles) Keeping it simple, huh?
Mark: Yep. I’ve made it to the final checklist of objectives though, but I simply cannot complete the extra challenges. They get far too intense at the end that I just screw up.
Sally: Actually Mark, now you mention it, there’s some news about this game you’ll find very interesting. I’m rather surprised you haven’t heard it for yourself.
Mark: What?
Sally: Well you know it’s an indie game, but by a couple of Denevian guys?
Mark: Yeah?
Sally: Because the game got so popular, they decided they’re starting a competition from the start of December.
Mark: Oh?
Sally: An all-new set of even harder checklists, with extended ranks. You can only play between 9am and 5pm, PICC.
Mark: That’s like… Between 4am and noon for us.
Sally: Yep.
Mark: Well that sucks.
Sally: But here’s the best part. The first however many people to finish the challenges get to meet real life celebrities related to cooking. Some of them world famous, some famous in Denland only, some not-so-famous but still acclaimed chefs. I had a check through the list, there was Gary Roland of course, Anton Thompkinson, Jimmy Owen, erm… That Maulinian guy, Jean-Pierre Depardieu, and a few others. Including your good old friend.
Mark: … Elissa!?
Sally: Yep.
Mark: YES! Challenge accepted!
Paddy: But Mark, you already met her. You guys met on that forum you both go on, and started talking. You’re both fans of each other, you’ve been on that lunch date. She even kissed you on the cheek! I don’t think you need to complete an impossible challenge on an intense and difficult game against thousands of people across Alterra just to see her.
Mark: That’s not the point! The point is it’d be a heck of an achievement. As if I’ve EARNED the right to see her.
Paddy: Right… Well you do that Mark, if you wish to make things harder for yourself.
Mark: … Euphemism?
Paddy: Go away.
Mark: I’m really going to need to man up then and do it. If I can’t even do the final checklist right now, I’ll be screwed for the challenge. Maybe I should practice the harder dishes, as much as I despise them. I was happy with having what was basically a bar that only served salad and ice cream and drinks.
Sally: Step it up, Mark. For Elissa.
Mark: Yes SIR!
Sally: Uhm… You mean Ma’am.
Mark: Man?
Sally: MA’AM! With an M!
Mark: Oh right. I was wondering what the hell you were talkin’ about. Something you aren’t telling us?
Sally: No! Why don’t you look up there for yourself!?
Mark and Paddy: …
Sally: … Whoops, sorry.
Mark: … So there we have it folks! Sally’s review… And her gender confirmation… Actually, out of 16 Moon Stones, what would you give the game, Sally?
Sally: Why 16?
Mark: Why NOT 16? You know how important that number is to me.
Sally: Ok, I’ll give it 14 out of 16 Moon Stones.
Mark: Wow! That’s a terrific score! And a brilliant start to our reviews. Paddy?
Paddy: Well I’ve been playing a fairly old game recently. Mainly because Mark forced me to. So I thought I’d make it my review.
Mark: You mean Krimlock: Eternal Souls?
Paddy: Yes.
Mark: You better give a damn good review here then, pal. That’s one of the best, if not one of the hardest, if not one of the most stressful games ever made.
Paddy: I agree with the middle and latter points.
Mark: You bastard.
Paddy: Well, how can I start? It was released in 1999. It’s a third person adventure… and a first person shooter… and a side-scroller… and a fighting game like Technik… and an RPG… and a puzzle game… and a life simulation… I’ll admit it’s incredible the amount of things it does.
Mark: It’s game engine was voted the third best piece of technology Alterra made that year. Game devs today, take notes from this classic.
Paddy: Please don’t, actually.
Mark: WHAT!?
Paddy: The story starts really cool, and dramatic, and spooky. Then it goes too much like a cliché science fiction with fucking demons and soul-snatchers and the like. The mouse sensitivity is too jerky on the FPS parts, or not sensitive enough if you play with the settings, there’s no balance. The fighting gets kinda’ cheaty in favour of the AI later on. The RPG elements doesn’t help given by the time you train your character up, they get killed off and you have to reincarnate into another body which has crap stats. Some of the puzzles I refused to work out so I kept referencing a walkthrough about five dozen times. The game goes from incredibly easy, to ultimately hard, then back to easy, then back to hard… Then a lot of boring rubbish and endless dialogue for like two hours, then even harder… And don’t get me STARTED on the final boss fight.
Mark: The final fight is the only part I struggle with, and it’s always tough going to beat, even me who’s completed the game many times. Did you at least get through it?
Paddy: No! I played that final fight alone for six hours then I rage-quitted and uninstalled the game. Fuck that.
Mark: (Laughs) You’re just a failure. Even I manage it.
Paddy: So to top it off, I didn’t enjoy it. It’s far too clunky. But I will say it has an amazing soundtrack. And it is quite pretty to look at. But that’s it. Scoring? I give it 4 out of 16 Moon Stones.
Sally: Woah.
Mark: Woah! Now hold on a minute-
Paddy: It’s my review, I stand by it.
Mark: You son of a bitch.
Paddy: Yup, that’s me.
Mark: Grrr.

Paddy: Why don’t you review your game?
Mark: Fine! Ok, so I’ve been playing another game for the smartphone, but an older version is also available as an arcanet browser game. It’s called The Apocalypse Road.
Paddy: Hmm, I wonder what it’s about.
Mark: Basically you, with a group of up to five friends that you can customise and pick the names of, have to travel from Brentstone on the east coast, to Huldergard on the west coast, which is a total of 5800 miles. You pick the car you begin with, which you can upgrade as you go, given you either find the parts or have the money to buy ‘em. You need to buy or scavenge for supplies, from food and drink to clothing and ammo and weapons. The catch is of course it’s in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. You start out at the beginning of the zombie-infested Alterra, where you have to survive alone for one night before you retrieve your friends one by one in Brentstone, where you all live. You take your car, and hit the road, stopping at about 20 cities, towns and villages along the way, with multiple routes you can take and randomised events that occur as you travel, which makes it infinitely replayable. For my play through, I chose the BNB Ginerva, as is the one I used to do my own Marvegan road trip years ago. The crew? Well it was myself, Terri, Paddy, Sally, Lizzie, and Nicky.
Paddy: You were doing fine until you mentioned Nicky.
Mark: Anyway, it’s incredibly fun. It came out back in 2009, the original version. This director’s cut was released in 2011, when the latest patch was last February, which included more events, cars, destinations and supplies. I’d give the game 15 out of 16 Moon Stones. The 1 Stone I took away was because it’s unfair that the great big fucking bear bastard that sometimes attacks you in the forest is literally unkillable, and the only way past is to let him attack and hope you had enough health beforehand. As it’s impossible to escape him too.
Paddy: I wanna’ know what happened in this play through actually. It sounds like a make-your-own-story type of game.
Mark: It is. Do you guys really wanna’ know?
Paddy and Sally: Yeah!
Nicky: (From across the office) Yeah!
Mark: Alright then. Well we left Brentstone together as a happy group. We didn’t even get to the first town when Terri apparently wandered off during a car break and never came back.
Paddy: So she died?
Mark: Probably. Or went to have milkshakes with the zombie overlord until the apocalypse boiled over. Who knows. Wasn’t a good start, I know, but we pushed on. Several towns later, Lizzie was grabbed by a raider.
Paddy: No!
Mark: Yes. But I managed to save her by putting one in the raider’s head.
Paddy: A what?
Mark: A bullet.
Paddy: Ah. What with?
Mark: A Wasteland Leopard .50 magnum of course, my favourite choice in any game involving guns. So we carried on travelling happily. Then we came upon a hospital that we raided for supplies… In which we found a newborn yet unharmed baby… Which we adopted.
Sally: Awww.
Paddy: Why even bother? Another mouth to feed, which isn’t any use to survive, and probably is too weak to survive the wilderness of the real world.
Mark: Because we aren’t all just heartless baby killers like you, Paddy. We adopted it, alright?
Sally: What did we name them?
Mark: Well it was crying a lot, so I called him Paddy Jr.
Paddy: Haha…
Mark: But then the girls were in high spirits because of the baby’s presence, so I changed his name to Nicky Jr.
Paddy: Aw.
Mark: So we were back to six members. Then we found ourselves at a small settlement of survivors, who said they relied on hard working men and women to contribute towards their survival, as they were a settlement built on teamwork and unity. For some reason, out of all our members, they took interest in Nicky. There were several choices I could make here: Give them Nicky for lots of money, or food, or fuel, or ammo. Or we could simply walk away. Or we could kill them and attempt to take everything.
Paddy: And you killed them.
Mark: I thought about it, but in the end I decided to give them Nicky in exchange for fuel.
Nicky: What!?
Mark: Fuel got mighty expensive as we ventured further on our travels. Worse still we used more fuel since I put a big block V8 into the Ginerva, not thinking it would be a stupid idea in the end since we weren’t driving the Meriteer or Baron. So we put you to good use for once.
Nicky: Meanie!
Mark: Anyway, later on, we made it into a mine. Me and Paddy searched it alone, and he fell down a mineshaft.
Paddy: Seriously? That’s how I died?
Mark: No, you survived.
Paddy: YES!
Mark: But you were trapped by rubble. And needed something to blow the debris up on the other side. There was conveniently placed TNT by my feet which I could throw in. Then a group of miners call out on the other side of the debris, asking me to free them by throwing the TNT down your side instead.
Paddy: NO! You better bloody not have…
Mark: Well, this is the awkward part…
Paddy: Oh no, please don’t say you-…
Mark: Well, I misread the scenario. From what I understood, I thought I was passing you the TNT so you could light it yourself. But apparently what I was doing was lighting it up myself and blowing up the side I threw it down. And I threw it down yours…
Paddy: …
Mark: I thought I was giving you the TNT to free yourself, but instead I blew you up and saved the miners.
Paddy: You bastard…
Mark: So that was that. It was now just me, the girls, and Nicky Jr.
Paddy: I hope you die.
Mark: Well we had maybe 1000 or so miles left to go by now. And then the battery died on the Ginerva, and we didn’t have a spare. So we had to set up camp on the roadside. We waited for other travellers to stop by and offer trade, but all they had was tyres and mufflers and rations which of course we didn’t need. We spent two days waiting, and no luck. We were running short on food, so I had to go scavenge. Turned out we were in an incredibly dangerous place, so much so that I got badly injured.
Paddy: AHA! You were BITTEN!
Mark: Indeed I was, and low on health. But I kept trying to get food every hour for the girls and Nicky Jr. Eventually though, said big scary bear motherfucker from earlier came back and finished me off. At least by the time it was done with me, I definitely wouldn’t be coming back as any zombie.
Paddy: So was that it?
Mark: In the original version, it would’ve been. But in the new one it let me decide who to be: Sally, or Lizzie.
Sally: … Hmm.
Mark: With this review in mind, I chose Lizzie. Hoping Sally would have some impressive AI encounter to brag about. You guys found a battery eventually and continued on.
Sally: Wooh!
Mark: Then on the road to the penultimate destination…
Sally: Oh, no…
Mark: You needed to rest, since you had a fever. And while Lizzie was feeding Nicky Jr…
Sally: Not Nicky Jr.!
Paddy: I love how much she’s getting into this. She should play it herself.
Sally: I’m going to!
Paddy: Also, I like how it’s only now that she’s getting emotional. Given that Mark already murdered me and Mark’s been torn to shreds by some giant-ass bear.
Sally: What can I say, I wouldn’t have travelled with you guys to start with.
Mark and Paddy: Wow.
Mark: Well fuck you then. Next time, I’m giving you the Thalassa.
Sally: Good!
Mark: And watch it break down before you leave Brentstone so you’re caught in the nuclear missile blast.
Sally: Enough. What happened with Nicky Jr.?
Mark: He turned.
Sally: What!?
Mark: There’s a reason you never see kids in the apocalypse. And that’s because they naturally turn thanks to rubbish immune systems. He turned.
Sally: No…
Mark: And managed to scratch Lizzie’s arm.
Sally: No!
Mark: So you had to put Nicky Jr. down.
Paddy: This has become VERY morbid since it started out.
Mark: And you and infected Lizzie kept driving. Lizzie decided to hold out. You made it to Huldergard, both of you.
Sally: Phew.
Mark: But Lizzie had been infected too long and collapsed before she could be administered the cure.
Sally: So I was the sole survivor?
Mark: You refused to let the people of Huldergard kill Lizzie, as you were adamant she’d awaken. So you ordered them to give her the cure anyway.
Sally: And?
Mark: And it reacted badly with her body post-mortem, as it turned out she’d died before she hit the ground.
Sally: Oh…
Mark: So she re-animated as what Suburban Terror fans would call a Bloodlust Zombie.
Sally: Oh, the ones with blood-red skin and massive claws that scream and run extremely fast?… Oh, crap.
Mark: Yep. So you had to fight it out to survive with the other residents of Huldergard to kill Bloodlust Lizzie. And failed.
Sally: How!? She’s one bloody zombie!
Mark: Not so sentimental now, are you? She killed a few of them, you ended up running to hide. The power went out and Huldergard’s defences went down so an enormous horde invaded the city. You and I think three others took refuge in an emergency shelter. One of them went insane after a few hours of being closed in this tight room, and the first thing he did was pick up a sickle and put it through your throat.
Sally: What!?
Mark: You dropped to the ground and gargled blood for a while as he killed another guy who tried to avenge you, then he killed himself. The game sadly blacks out when the last person dies, so you died as the last person was staring at the door of the shelter, that was busy being broken into.
Paddy: Dun-dun-dun!
Mark: The End.
Paddy: What a happy story.
Mark: Wasn’t it? I’m thinking of playing it next time in Iron Man mode, where once you die, the other characters are all on advanced AI and survive themselves and you just watch until they all die or survive. You can survive, but we didn’t.
Paddy: It was a lovely journey. Everyone but us six probably already died, then Terri went for a pee in the bushes probably then got eaten most likely. Then adopted a little snotty brat. Then we sold Nicky off to a settlement that was probably secretly a cannibal community that ate him as soon as we left.
Mark: But at least we got worthwhile fuel out of it.
Paddy: Then you murdered me by shoving a stick of dynamite up my ass.
Mark: I’ll shove it down your bloody throat if you don’t shut the fuck up about it.
Paddy: Then you got gutted and mutilated by Barry Bear.
Mark: As deaths go, it was a pretty epic one. I kinda’ wanted to crash the Ginerva and die in a blaze though.
Sally: Not with me in the passenger seat, you won’t.
Paddy: Then the brat becomes a little undead gremlin and gets Lizzie, who mutates into a badass and chases Sally into a broom cupboard with an insane sickle wielder and gets her throat sliced open. What a heart warming tale.
Mark: And we never found out if they killed Lizzie or if she continued to roam Huldergard with zombie Nicky Jr. by her side.
Paddy: You should write a horror show Mark, and base the plot around that play through. Better yet, do a few play throughs with separate groups that are the other Rockies and Wastelanders, and do the film about each group.
Mark: That’s an idea. In fact, I have an idea of what we could do instead…
Paddy: What?
Mark: I’ll run it by you guys later. If it sounds good enough for you lot, we could make a segment on this show for it in the future.
Paddy: Alright, deal. Just don’t go blowing me up again.
Mark: Don’t tempt me.

Paddy: Erm… What did the advert say to the other advert?
Mark: Huh?
Paddy: Say “What?”
Mark: What?
Paddy: Nothing. ‘Cause there were no adverts.
(Long silence)
Mark: Pff haha!
Paddy: Yeah, see, this is a much better idea than having sponsors.

The Spinner Topic Discussion

Mark: It is time for the main spotlight of the show.
Paddy: Yep.
Mark: The Spinner!
Paddy: (Gasps)
Mark: Basically, we have to discuss whatever topic that the spinner lands on. The Spinner Topic Discussion.
Paddy: Erm… That abbreviates to STD…
Mark: … Go die in a hole, Paddy. Yes, it’s a funny and immature abbreviation to some, but other more sensible people wouldn’t notice that.
Paddy: Give over! Everyone will have noticed.
Mark: Anyway, we have 16 topics on the wheel. The Spinner. Sally, SPIN!
(Wheel spins)
Mark: And we have?
Sally: Hobbies and Games.
Mark: Oh. We’ve just reviewed games…
Paddy: We can talk about hobbies though, surely.
Mark: Let’s try then… Sally!
Sally: Huh?
Mark: You’re the most interesting person here. Start us off with your hobbies.
Sally: Um, sure. Well… I read.
Mark: Good.
Sally: I… Play in the band.
Mark: Good.
Sally: I… Hang out with Danni and Frank a lot.
Mark: Good. Tell us about them.
Sally: Well there’s Danni, she’s quite posh, and always loves to be involved in things. In fact, she’ll stop at nothing to be a part of everything she can, and tries to take lead when she can too. She’s a total fan girl for oh-so-many people… She just gets star-struck, even when she just sees you guys who she now sees all the time since I joined up. Frank, similar case, as he used to be called Francis Stewart, but changed his name legally to Frank Tarren, in honour of you.
Mark: Nice!
Sally: But he much prefers Paddy. He’s started to take after his style.
Mark: … Oh… So, the style of a terrier dog?
Paddy: Har!
Sally: He’s also sort of posh…
Paddy: You’re sort of posh.
Sally: I am not! I read anime, I listen to punk music, I play in a band, I wear hoodies with denim skirts, my middle name is Kazi, I have a Smoogo Azam, I didn’t really get into college, I live in a desert town and I work with people who live in caravans. How am I POSH exactly?
Paddy: Your accent.
Sally: … My accent isn’t posh! Just because I speak PROPER DENEVIAN!
Paddy: You’re Marvegan!
Sally: IT’S STILL THE SAME LANGUAGE! Try talking it some time. Better yet, try school again, maybe you’ll pass this time around.
Mark: Oooh snap!
Sally: I also like to do some flower arranging…
(Awkward silence)
Sally: WHAT!? What’s so weird about THAT!? So I like flower arranging, so what!? You got a problem, GO AHEAD ‘N’ SAY IT!
Mark: Ok, ok. Calm down girl, we ain’t judging. In fact, I think it’s really cute, and totes suits you to a T. Don’t you agree Paddy?… Paddy???
Paddy: Ok, I’ve heard enough of Sally’s hobbies.
Sally: Thank you. And Mark, how about you? Tell me about your hobbies.
Mark: Erm… I write. I… Cruise around a lot in the desert, preferably offroad. I like to spend time with everyone for a reasonable while and just do allsorts with ‘em-camping, shopping, clubbing, board games, drinking games, TV and film marathons. I mean I just really accompany my favourite people really, otherwise I don’t do a whole lot on my own anymore. I’m too dependant on some.
Sally: And which “some” are they?
Mark: Well, mostly Jessie. Often Lizzie too. The guys-Neil, Jamie, Arnie, Karl. Helen quite a bit, love that girl, I do. Maria, my hot roomie. Er, I often play with Les Animaux.
Sally: By the way listeners, that’s Maulinian for “The Animals.” His pets, he means.
Mark: Thanks for clarifying, hun. Yeah I also really like hanging out with my two Hwarian gal pals loads too, but I’ll talk about them another time. And uh… Oh, Paddy I guess.
Paddy: Took you long enough to mention me.
Mark: What about you Paddy? Enlighten us with your active life that is CLEARLY more interesting than mine.
Paddy: Well, I do my weekend races. I play my fair share of video games. Watch my favourite movie collection regularly. Work on cars. Erm… Cars. I occasionally find luck with that dating site I-… Erm, and of course drinking with you guys.
Sally: Sorry, what was that? Dating site?
Paddy: No, sorry I meant, um… DARTING site.
Mark: That doesn’t even make sense.
Paddy: Yes it does! It’s a gambling site where you bet on the darts.
Mark: You don’t know a thing about darts or its players! How would you have a first clue about betting on them?
Paddy: You would be surprised, Mark. You would be very surprised…
Mark: I’m sure I will. Please, I’m eager to hear.
Paddy: Maybe some other time. I think people would much rather hear about this lunch date of yours with Elissa.
Mark: (Sigh) Well if you’re gonna’ keep going on about it, let’s wrap this failure of an STD up and hope we spin a more interesting topic next week. That is if anyone remains listening to this garbage after it’s debut.

Mark: Actually, we should say that we’re sponsored today, as always, by The Unhappy Cat Society. UMC’s largest charity dedicated to re-homing neglected and lost cats. The cats are UNHAPPY… That’s where the name comes from, in case you couldn’t tell. With your kind support, these furry felines find new loving homes and owners. Just like how I found my cat, Moggie! The Unhappy Cat Society is truly an amazing organisation, and well worthy of support from all of you out there. Meow!

Mark: So you want to know about mine and Elissa’s lunch date?
Paddy: YES! Please, tell us how you scored.
Mark: I didn’t score.
Paddy: Give over, man! We know fine well you totes scored and got off on one with her, right? Huh? Huh!?
Mark: Are you finished?
Paddy: Yeah, sorry.
Mark: No such scoring or getting off occurred.
Paddy: … Oh… Why did we wanna’ hear about this again?
Sally: Because it may lead somewhere! Now Mark, start us off. How you met?
Mark: Well, funny story, actually. We both are fans of an interactive novel set in a typical fictional Marvegan high school, some of our younger listeners may know it-Surviving Stalner High.
Paddy: Because it’s played by girls, and people younger than 16 years old, right?
Mark: Not true! Erm… It’s perfectly normal for me to like it!
Paddy: Sure it is. Is Nicky a fan too?
Mark: Yes!
Paddy: I rest my case.
Mark: Anyway! We’re both members of the fan forum for it. And I’m not sure, I must have seen her comment on something somewhere on it, and seeing as she’s only like an E-list celebrity in Denland, and most people on the SSH forum are Marvegan…
Paddy: And 12 years old. And have no fucking idea who Elissa Falk is.
Mark: I was happily able to message her casually and chat in private.
Paddy: In private, eh? Sounds juicy.
Mark: Sounds like you should shut your trap and let me continue.
(Typing of a keyboard)
Sally: I second that.
Mark: What are you doing, Sally?
Sally: Nevermind that, resume your story.
Mark: So I said how I’ve been a big fan of hers for a long time. And by surprise, it turns out she’s a rather keen fan of myself too.
Paddy: Really? She is?
Mark: Yeah! Well turns out she’s a big fan of my prior TV works in Maulinia, since again, it was set in a University.
Paddy: Please tell me she was just a fan. ‘Cause if she had the hots for you then when you were 19, and she was 27, I swear to Walsh…
Mark: So what if she did? In all honesty, I don’t rightly know. However, I wouldn’t complain.
Paddy: Um…
Mark: …
(Typing continues)

Sally: … Wow.
Mark: What?
Sally: Well I appear to have found myself looking at some survey results for people who play this Surviving Stalner High.
Mark: And?
Sally: The majority of players are indeed female. Most of them being aged between 13 and 24 years old.
Mark: Hmmm.
Paddy: So even Elissa is an anomaly, given that.
Sally: There is a rough ratio, of which 89% of players are female, the remaining 11% being male. But hey, thousands of people play it so we’re looking at least a few hundred males like yourself.
Mark: Well that’s not too bad.
Sally: However…
Mark: Oh, what now?
Sally: The average age of said male players? 14 years old.
Mark: Fuck.
Sally: Most males being aged 14-17 years old.
Mark: Fuck!
Sally: And out of that 11% of players, less than 1% are above the age of 19.
Mark: FUCK!
Sally: So that might just be you then, Mark. How do you feel?
Mark: … I need to spread the word to the older males, that’s how I feel.
Paddy: All the creepy old men who have a special soft spot for the younger kind?
Mark: Yes. So spread the word to your friends Paddy, they’ll fit the bill perfectly.
Paddy: This is getting old now.
Mark: Actually, I’ve just begun.
Sally: Let’s get back on track, so you guys are both fans of each other.
Mark: Right. And so we were talking, and I was in Denland the other weekend anyway. So I casually happened to ask, y’know, “Wanna’ go out for lunch at the weekend or something?” Of course, to my pleasure, she was ecstatic about the idea. So “Terrific!” I thought. Then there was something within that thought that sparked something…
Paddy: Terrific? Terrific… Te-rrific… Terri-fic… Oh! Terri!
Mark: Finally, we got there. Well after we split, and she moved back to Denland, I tried getting in touch, but none of my messages got through and I thought she was just ignoring me. Which was awkward since we still share a caravan and I was about to live with her for a whole weekend, which she had no idea about. So I brought Sally with me.
Sally: Yeah, about that, why me again?
Mark: Misery loves company. Terri needed company, and I was gonna’ be gone out with Elissa.
Sally: So you’re saying Terri was the misery?
Mark: No, you are. I thought seeing you might make her feel better about herself.
Sally: Oh thanks.
Mark: And also, I needed someone socially awkward and weird to help break any tense silences between us.
Sally: … If I knew all this before, I wouldn’t have gone. I’d have made you suffer alone.
Mark: I do enough of that as is. Anyway, things were alright with Terri. Turns out she just didn’t get my messages. She missed me like crazy. I missed her. She cried when she saw me.
Paddy: Did you look that terrifying?
Mark: My eyes watered too. We cuddled. We caught up. We had a good time. Until I got drunk one night and nearly threw a bottle off her head but that’s a different story. What mattered is we were fine. Walsh only knows I missed her badly.
Paddy: And so you made up, made out, slept together and now you’re back together again! Yay!
Mark: … No.
Paddy: Ah.
Mark: We made up. But I had an Elissa to meet. We met, went for food, had a nice chat and some laughs. We went for a couple drinks at a bar afterwards, it was quite an intimate atmosphere to be honest. We talked more, and I swear, she touched my wrist/forearm as we talked.
Paddy: (Sarcastically) Oooh, saucy.
Mark: It sent allsorts of signals through my body, it was crazy. Anyway, we then went to the cinema.
Sally: What did you see?
Mark: Um, I forget… Some comedy film about a woman who fakes going insane in the hope of her ex-boyfriend coming to care for her, instead she winds up in an asylum and has to break out. It was actually really good though, it was really funny and clever.
Paddy: Maybe you should have reviewed that in our earlier segment instead.
Mark: Well in that case, I’ll give it 13 out of 16 Moon Stones. So after the film, we had a little stroll together. We linked arms, just thought I’d throw that in there.
Sally: Ah I see. The physical contact without the obvious intimacy.
Mark: Since when did you ever understand how something worked?
Sally: I don’t, I just wanted to sound smart.
Mark: Well that’s exactly what it was, and it worked. The end of the day, I took her back to her house, we both agreed we should do it again soon, then she kissed me on the cheek…
Paddy and Sally: (Gasp)
Mark: And that was my lunch date with Elissa that became a full day before we knew it.
Paddy: And then she went inside, and you fainted on the doorstep.
Mark: Almost. I felt like I’d been given this terrible disease called happiness.
Sally: Oh yeah, I hate that too. It’s nasty, isn’t it?
Paddy: Why did you get drunk and attack Terri with a bottle then?
Sally: And me too.
Mark: I don’t know! I was DRUNK! Maybe you said something to annoy me, Sally. Or maybe you looked at me funny. Or maybe you were just in my way so I wanted to shoo you to the side.
Sally: You could have told me to move rather than nearly glass me over the head.
Mark: I felt the direct and violent approach would work faster.
Sally: I’m just a toy for you lot to abuse, aren’t I?
Mark: No! Of course not! Don’t be silly…
Sally: Oh?
Mark: Yeah, you’re not a toy. ‘Cause toys are fun, and make you happy, and then they break and you’re left sad. You on the other hand are not fun, don’t make us happy, and you don’t break so we’re stuck with you.
Sally: I should be heartbroken, but I see what’s going on here. Since I’m the new girl, all the jokes are on me. Yes, I see. Very funny.
Mark: Let’s see how funny you think it is when I tell you I let Tiff have the day off today and you are replacing her for Apple & Raspberry Juice Duty.
Sally: What?
Mark: GET ME A GLASS OF APPLE & RASPBERRY JUICE NOW!
Sally: Ok, ok!
(Sally gets up and leaves the room through the door)
Paddy: (Laughs) I love bullying the interns…
Mark: I like how she thinks we’re only bullying her ‘cause she’s new. Oh but she hasn’t read the small print on her Moonstone contract though, clearly.

Paddy: Disclaimer - Bullying is wrong. Do not bully. It is bad to bully.
Nicky: It’s mean.
Paddy: Go away Nicky.
Nicky: Aw, but why-
Paddy: Gimme that mic back now!
Nicky: (In background-without mic) Nooo, why did you DO that!? You MEANIE!
(Nicky runs out the room)
Paddy: Finally… So yeah guys, bullying is wrong. Remember that.

Mark: We now have Jessie in the room.
Paddy: Oh my word, we DO! Hi Jessie!
Jessie: Heya guys! How’s my bestest friends in Alterra doing today?
Mark: Mighty fine, thank you honey. So now, Jessie, we have your special little segment, don’t we?
Jessie: Yay! Go me!
Mark: Just press that there, and cue the opening.



Mark: So the idea of this segment, is for listeners to write in with their problems, and good ol’ Tammy aka Captain Tam-Tam here will use her superpowers to save you all and solve your problems. Kinda’ like The Crimson Bulletin’s Agony Aunt Enfield… Except it isn’t all Agony Aunt stuff. Every superhero has a weakness, and Tam-Tam has no experience with Agony Aunt related stuff.
Jessie: Nope. Me know nothing.
Mark: We posted on the forum a while back for people to write in to the main arcamail address, that’s just moonstone@arcamail.ma. Tell us about your problems, and we will help you. Or rather, this beautiful and multi-talented angel will help you.
Jessie: (Giggles) Awww Marky you are just the sweetest!
Mark: So let’s start with this letter here, from a guy called Matthew who lives in Rington:
“Hello guys at Moonstone, I have a problem I was hoping you could help me with. I work in an office block in Taldego Bay in Ferroper…”
Now for starters, Matthew, why the hell do you live in Rington if you work over in Ferroper? That’s a big trek every day.
Paddy: What a fool.
Mark: Anyway, he goes on to say:
“On the 32nd floor. Out of a total of 34 floors. I have worked in this company for 5 years now, and have been an appreciated member of the team forever. The other week though, a colleague of mine was recently promoted up to the 33rd floor. He has been with us for only 10 months now and I feel it’s mighty unfair that they promoted him so generously when I have had harder duties and shown more dedication. Think it selfish as it may be, but I just wish I felt like I was being treat how I deserve. What do I do? Should I tell my boss how I feel in the hope he understands and takes it into account? Or should I remain silent and plod on through my career quietly as speaking up may get me in trouble and kicked back down to the ground floor… Via the window.”
Paddy: (Laughs) I like that end part.
Mark: Haha, yeah.
“I would appreciate it if you guys could give me your opinion about this situation and perhaps guide me.”
Wow… Right, ok. Where do we start with this, Captain?
Jessie: Hmm, that’s bad. That poor, poor man. Being kicked out of a window like that? Heck yes I’d say something!
Mark: No Jessie, sweetheart, his problem is the whole promotion thing.
Jessie: … Oh right! Sorry, I see now. Hmm, well… Is he friends with his boss?
Mark: He doesn’t say. To be honest though, when is a boss really a friend? They say they want you to see them as more than a boss, but that’s just so they can hopefully one day catch you out and throw you out onto the street on your arse… Or out the window, in Matt’s case.
Jessie: Hm.
Mark: Is he your friend, Matt?
Jessie: If he is… You could talk to him. Say that you’re hurt that you didn’t get the promotion instead and you feel like you aren’t being valued. If you aren’t friends though… Um…
Mark: I’d find another job, to be honest with you.
Jessie: Yeah, I agree. New job!
Mark: Something closer to home, too.
Paddy: Yeah, not in bloody Ferroper, you moron.
Mark: There we go, brilliant job.

Sally: Ok, I have a letter here from Linda in New Tawsdale.
Mark: Hello Linda-In-New-Tawsdale.
Sally: Um, she says:
“Hi Moonstone Crew, love you guys so much. I need your help. I’m starting to have suspicions that my husband is having an affair with another woman. He comes home late every night and smells of cigarettes and alcohol. He doesn’t smoke, by the way. He claims he’s working overtime but his day job is a salesman. Since when do salesmen work overtime? They’re bound by the hours they can knock on doors by law. What would you guys suggest? I love him so much but if he’s going off behind my back then I cannot stay with him. A 46 year old woman shouldn’t have to have these worries, I’m not in my twenties anymore. If he’s unfaithful, I need to get out there and start searching for new love again while I’m still young.”
Paddy: Wow, compelling.
Sally: My thoughts exactly.
Mark: Orders, Captain?
Jessie: Uh… An affair is when you’re with someone special, but you’re canoodling someone else without them knowing about it, right?
Mark: Yes that’s right.
Paddy: Canoodling? Seriously, you’re using that phrase?
Jessie: That’s what it’s called! Canoodling!
Mark: Paddy, Paddy, leave her alone. It’s Jessie. Sweet innocent Jessie. I don’t want her pure heart tainted with words like fucking, screwing, sex, humping, roughing-it-up-doggy-style, or riding-the-pony.
Jessie: I love riding ponies though! I’m too short for a proper sized horse.
Paddy: Um, Jessie, we aren’t talking about literally riding a pony here.
Jessie: … You aren’t?
Paddy: No. Um, look, just forget I said anything, ok?
Jessie: Ok… So Linda’s husband is canoodling another girl without Linda knowing?
Mark: Yes. We think so.
Jessie: And they’re going on secret pony rides together?
Mark: No, they aren’t-… Well, they might be, I don’t know. We don’t know, Jessie, they could well be.
Jessie: (Gasps) I’d be so heartbroken if someone went on a pony ride and didn’t tell me about it!
Mark: Note to self-take Jessie on a pony ride this week.
Jessie: Well I wouldn’t even risk it. Linda, if he’s riding ponies with other women and not inviting you along, leave him! He’s mean. He’s really mean. He’s a great big mean… stupid… dumb… MEANIE!
Mark: Well said Jessie, well said.
Paddy: I have one last letter here. It’s from Jayden, who lives in Hwaria.
Mark: Ah! Hello Jayden!
Paddy: (Puts on a voice) Hellooo Mark!
Mark: Oh Jayden, you’re here in the studio with us!
Paddy: (Laughs) For fuckssake…
Mark: Haha!
Paddy: (Continues the voice) Yes, I’m here. Hellooo! I need your help with something!
Mark: Well hey anything for a good man of Hwaria, you’ve travelled a long way after all. What can we do you for?
Paddy: (Normal voice) Actually, he’s not Hwarian. He just lives there. He’s actually from Trentham.
Mark: Oh right. Anyway, what’s the problem, Jayden?
Paddy: (Puts the voice back on) “I only moved here recentlyyyyy…” Erm, you can tell because my accent is so fucked up… (Laughs)
Mark: (Laughs loudly) Fucking hell Paddy…
Sally: There’s no need to swear so much, guys.
Mark: We’re safe, we disclaimer-proofed the show from the start… So, shut the fuck up Sally! Continue, Jayden.
Paddy: (Clears throat, before resuming the voice) “I only moved here recently, but I’m finding I struggle to fit in. It might be pretty obvious, but there’s so many Hwarians here! And not a lot of them seem very approachable. I’m frightened, guys, frightened. How am I supposed to make friends here if I’m too afraid to go over and try to talk to them? I feel too different, and that makes me miserable. You guys accept people of different gender, height, weight, personality, race and the like into Moonstone-I was hoping you could give me pointers on how to be accepted into a clearly traditional town and culture.”
Sally: That’s a tough one.
Mark: Not really. I love Hwarian people. Jessie?
Jessie: Some scare me.
Mark: What would you suggest to Jayden?
Jessie: Who’s Jayden? I thought Paddy was telling us he’s moving to Hwaria.
Paddy: No… No, Jessie. I was putting on a voice AS Jayden. JAYDEN has moved to Hwaria, and is struggling to fit in.
Jessie: Oh RIGHT! NOW it makes sense… I mean I was confused, and I was saying to myself: “This can’t be right, I mean why would Paddy go to Hwaria? He hates hyenas.”
Paddy: I do?
Jessie: … Don’t you?
Paddy: … Do I?
(Long silence)
Mark: … So Jayden, Jess, what do you suggest to him?
Jessie: Well… I wouldn’t have moved there! Hwaria scares me unless I’m with you Mark.
Sally: Jessie’s right, you’re like Lord Hwaria. You should take this one.
Mark: Ok then. Well Jayden, I have a couple gal pals in Dusty Springs, which is the small western town in Kelderhope. But the girls come from Hwaria, and seem like typical Hwarian chicks, but all I did was approach them in the bar and started a friendly chat with ‘em. They’re the best, they really are, I spend a lot of time with them. Just go to a bar or something, find a group of people that isn’t too big, and just strike up a conversation. See how it goes. If you’re confident enough… And single… Which I’m sure you are if you’ve just moved to Hwaria from bloody Trentham… Try it with some Hwarian babes first. Why DID you move to Hwaria from Trentham? You were right near the bloody Barmeran border, and then you move down the opposite end of the land. I mean seriously, you’re dumber than Matthew.
Sally: So your advice to him is-he’s dumb for moving there?
Mark: No, I said to just try and join in on conversations in the bar or something. Maybe begin with chatting up some girls in there. Make sure they have no bulky boyfriends around though, make sure they’re single before you move in. Important rule, that.
Sally: Well good, that does it.
Mark: Thank you very much for doing this Jessie, it’s been a pleasure sweetie, as always.
Jessie: You too Marky! Mwah!
Paddy: Oooh, hey, that was a naughty peck there wasn’t it? Was that what Elissa’s was like?
Mark: Sort of.
(Long silence)
Jessie: Love you!
Paddy: If Elissa is anything like Jessie then, that kiss on your lunch date meant nothing.
Mark: I said I’d investigate!
Sally: While you guys bicker, I’m going to move this onward…

Paddy: Would you like an advert?
Mark: No.
Paddy: Pretend you do.
Mark: Yes.
Paddy: Yes what?
Mark: Yes I would like a damn advert.
Paddy: Well tough! You ain’t gettin’ one.
Mark: … Seriously? I wasted my breath for that? You really are running out of ideas.
Paddy: I can only do so much. I am but one man.
Mark: Hmm, if that.
Paddy: Screw you.



Sally: I guess we can end the show now with some general fanmail from fans… Duh, hence it being FANmail… So anyway! We asked people to send anything in to… Any of the variety of arcamail addresses we gave. We had Paddy’s personal address: paddyess90@arcamail.ma, Mark’s: mark2montagno@arcamail.ma, or the general one that Tammy’s Troubling Noodles went to: moonstone@arcamail.ma, which goes straight to the forum’s inbox, checked by our chief admin Lizzie. I’ll read out our general stuff, you guys can read out the ones that went to your personal addresses. We’ll cycle around-Paddy, Mark, me. Ok?
Paddy: Ok, so um… I got some weird stuff.
Mark: (Laughs) Yeah, me too…
Sally: You have to read them.
Paddy: Ok, here goes:
“Hello there Paddy, I’m such a massive fan of you. You’re so funny, and handsome, and I love you in Kings Of The Desert so much. I go crazy if I haven’t seen you on TV for a while.”
Mark: Is this you writing about yourself?
Paddy: No.
“I can’t express how crazy I am for you and I’d love for us to meet up and get to know each other personally. I only live in Los Martires so we aren’t too far apart. You are my idol and one of the greatest people to have ever lived. Please get back to me as I would love nothing more than to be with you in person…”
Mark: Wow! Screw all them dating sites you’re on, these fanmails alone are working wonders for you already!
Paddy: Not quite…
Mark: Why not?… Oh no, don’t tell me she’s like 12 years old or something.
Sally: That wouldn’t be so bad for Paddy though.
Paddy: Piss off, Sally. It’s worse.
Mark: Why’s it worse?
Paddy: (Clears throat) “Forever yours with lots of love… Peter.”
(Mark, Sally and Steve, Nicky and Floyd all burst into extreme laughter)
Paddy: This isn’t funny! I don’t wanna’ break the guy’s heart but… You know!
Mark: Sounds like a problem for Tammy’s Troubling Noodles.
Jessie: As long as he invites you along on pony rides.
Paddy: Um, thanks Peter, I’m really… REALLY flattered, but… N-… No, thanks. Sorry…
Mark: Let’s move on.
Paddy: Please.
Mark: “Hi Mark. Really big fan of Moonstone, love Kings Of The Desert, I have the season on DVD and watch it all the time. The show’s unlike anything else I ever see, and I got all my friends to watch it too. I live all the way up in Abbeyway, but I can safely say that there’s no more than maybe a dozen people around here from what I can tell that don’t know who you are and don’t think that you’re absolutely bloody amazing as I do. You guys are all awesome. Even Nicky, I think he’s actually quite cute, even though he reminds me of my younger brother that I sometimes would like to throttle the life out of. But other than that, you guys really are something. I’m so glad you’re back after being gone for too long, and I can’t wait to see what you pull out of the proverbial hat next. Keep up the great work. Love, Scarlett.”
Sally: Aw see, that was a nice one.
Paddy: Yeah, at least yours has boobs.
Mark: Well thank you Letty. I hope I can call you Letty. Can I? I can? Well thank you. It’s really sweet of you to say, and yes don’t worry, we’re coming back alright.

Sally: I got one here, it reads: … (Murmurs to herself)
Mark: What’s wrong?
Sally: It’s just…
Paddy: (Laughs)
Sally: Did you-…?
Paddy: I may have.
Mark: What did he do?
Paddy: Nothin’.
Mark: What did you bloody do you Labrador-haired scum?
Paddy: Nothin’! I swear it. Labrador’s honour.
Sally: “ Dear Mark…”
Mark: Ah, so it’s to me, but not to me…
Sally: “The other week was really fun…”
Mark: Eh?
Sally: “I’ve never been wooed like that in years, you really know how to rock my world. Just be careful not to put my hip out, you were very close this time.”
Mark: What… the fuck?
Sally: “I know I wasn’t meant to say anything, but I can’t help it, you’re in my veins. You’re all I think about at night. Some nights I imagine us rolling around in the hay together, alone. Then we cuddle under a blossom tree, and you comb my hair while we feed each other strawberries and kiss passionately mid-snack. Never again will another man turn me on like you do, you my love, are the only lover I need from this day forth. Seeya’ soon, hot stuff.”
Mark: I don’t bloody understand what the hell that’s all about.
Sally: Uh-huh?
Mark: I’m serious! I-… Wait, who was that from?
Sally: Oh, I dunno… It ends with E.P. Falk, from Mertonshire in Denland.
Mark: Elissa!? But… Wait, that whole message though was-
Paddy: (Giggles)
Mark: … Paddy! You utter cu-
Alex: D’AWWW!
Mark: OW! What the hell, Alex!?
Alex: You were gonna’ say the C word, the one word we can’t say on radio. You remember, you employed me to do my signature “D’AWWW!” as a replacement for a bleeper.
Mark: Oh yeah, I remember! Nice save, Al.
Alex: Cheers.
Mark: But Paddy!
Paddy: (Laughs) I’m sorry Mark, I couldn’t resist.
Mark: You know, if you wanted to impersonate Elissa, you could’ve done a better job if you didn’t take the piss so much in it. I mean what was all that shit about the strawberries? And the hip!? She’s 31, not bloody 79!
Paddy: Forgive me, forgive me.
Mark: Over my fucking dead body am I gonna’ forgive you for that! As punishment, you are no longer my best male friend for the rest of the month.
Paddy: WHAT!?
Mark: AND, you are barred from this show for next week. I’m gonna’ have someone else fill in for a week while you consider your cruel and irresponsible actions today.
Paddy: Damn it…
Alex: D’AWWW!
Mark: OW! Who was gonna’ say the C word that time!?
Alex: No one, but you told me to do it for when it was time to end the show too. It’s almost 2:30pm, time to end. Jo, Josh and Stan are on next after us.
Mark: Oh right. Well I guess it’s time to end the show. Apologies everyone, I know it was a slight shambles today, but hey, it’s our first week. Please tune in next week, same time, when we have a few more interesting things to look forward to, including more fanmail, more Troubling Noodles, Helen’s doing a cooking segment for us, we have LESS Paddy, and we even have an interview with everybody’s favourite-Stephen Garland!
Paddy: Luke… We always know. We’re always watching.
Mark: Paddy’s always watching because he’s a creep. And a toe-rag.
Paddy: Hey!
Mark: So everyone, be sure to cast your votes for the Kings Of The Desert Awards, and send in any fanmail and Troubling Noodles you have for us. Meanwhile, we will love you and leave you. Erm, if you’re listening to this on our forum, you will see a few blogs by some of us underneath this podcast. That’s what we call The Rocky Reports, it’s gonna’ be a weekly thing too. Just me, Paddy, Sally and a random other person every week talking about something that we would like to mention. See for yourself! So, until next time…
Everyone: Goodbyeee!
Mark: Paddy, you have an ending theme for us too, have you not?
Paddy: Indeed I do.



Mark: Again with the bloody Hwarian tunes…

The Rocky Reports

Mark’s Mentionings: A Childhood Fantasy, A Reality?



Howdy folks,
People were gonna’ ask, so here, here was a pic me and Elissa took of ourselves the other week while we were out. We really had a thrilling time together. I think I was actually a little star-struck to be with her, and likewise vice versa from what she told me, so I can’t have been all that bad. We both felt like we were 21 again. A metaphor that’s probably more effective for her than it is for me, but I don’t care, we had a terrific time. In fact, she just messaged me earlier on and asked if I fancied meeting her next weekend too. Of course I told her I had the show to do on Saturday, but we’ve worked around that and I’m going over to see her on Sunday. It’s a whole week away, but I can already feel myself bursting at the seams with excitement. Squee!

For most of you out there who don’t know about Elissa Falk, let me educate you a little bit. She was born in Mertonshire, Denland. She’d been sighted for modelling by the age of 16, young I know, and used to appear in a few mid-range magasines of that calibre. Yes, I know, because I have them very magasines myself, I’m not ashamed to openly admit that. I’ve been drooling over her since I was the age of 15, we all have our celebrity crushes from a young age. She started acting at the age of 19, where she’s appeared in small roles in shows such as Moorside, These City Streets and Goodnight Johnny-Ray. Her first, and biggest main role was of course as D.I. Erin “Leigh” Hadleigh in Slaughter By The Water between 2002 and 2007, alongside Catherine Dawkins who played her partner D.I. Sheryl “Cole” Coleman. Since then, she’s been a guest on many cooking panel shows, many of which by Alterra-famous Gary Roland. So there you go, you may not know, but most of you will have seen her before. Nowadays, she presents her own cooking show-Something Smells Good-which is shown on weekday mornings (I know, not the best time) with co-host Brendan Shirley, a popular B-list celebrity in Denland who used to host TV O’clock, one of Denland’s former longest running and renowned morning breakfast shows. Shirley’s stated he isn’t returning to Something Smells Good though, as if he has better things to do. Like climbing Mount Marna, or raising money for charity… Or any of the other Saint activities he partakes in. But Elissa isn’t backing down, she’s continuing it when the show returns on air on SBC next March. You go, girl!

I haven’t heard her opinion on the show yet, but I’ll find out soon enough. Probably when I hear her opinion about reading this. She won’t mind, she knew I was going to discuss our time together. I’m not going to say anything more on the topic though, to save both my ego and her embarrassment. At least until when or if anything develops from these little outings of ours.

Paddy’s Preachings: Tell It To The Judy



What’s up fellas?
Yeah, yeah, I told you guys she looked young. This is why you guys all snap to conclusions and make my love life hell. Actually, to tell the truth, it would probably have become hell either way. I’m not saying that whole misunderstanding is why we broke up, but, it didn’t exactly help. I always knew she looked a lot younger than she was from the day we met, but I wasn’t to expect the grief I got. Oh well. Also, I know I have short hair here-it was a long time ago, when I knew what a hair cut was…

No clue as to what she’s doing now, we didn’t really talk after I ended up in court. It was far too awkward. “Tell it to the jury” indeed, I bloody told them alright. Told them that all I wanted was a nice and peaceful evening with my girlfriend. Well, I guess it wasn’t to last anyway. I mean, I’ve never held a relationship down for longer than a month or two. Not ready to settle down? Well of course not, but it’s not like I would avoid being with someone altogether. That’s what made me resort to this dating site thing I suppose. I’m not desperate, but I’d like to know what I’m letting myself in for before I take a girl out. And what better way to do that than to analyse them on paper first? Or at least, on a computer screen. Where’s the harm in that? Nowhere. Except for when you see a photo of two girls-one hot and one horrid-and think you’re speaking to the hot one, only to turn up on the night and find your date is in fact the other one… Guys, don’t let this happen to you. The shame, uncomfortable environment and shock horror as she pulls you in for some Paddy-love is just far too much. Now, I make sure I’m ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN on what she looks like before I declare anything. Learn from the dating site master, people!

Sally’s Statements: From Commoner Schoolgirl To Common Commoner



Hi everybody!
So people wanted to know where I came from. Not from outer space, as Mark suggested. Well there was the four of us: myself, Suki, Danni and Francis. We were all born in Emerald City itself and have always stuck to our own little group. We became “Stoners” from the very beginning. Maybe Francis more so as he changed his name to Frank Tarren, in honour of Mark’s alter-alter-ego. Suki and Danni were the fan girls, I was the one though who wanted to be involved with Moonstone more, i.e. work for them. So, I sent a message to Mark’s arcamail address where, after the usual fan girl praise, I talked about my background, where I grew up, my education and things like that, and also might have sent a picture of me to try to tip things in my favour. It wasn’t an inappropriate picture or anything like that, but hey, a visual aid always goes along way no matter what the circumstance. And just like that, Mark replied back with an offer to be a third host on the radio with him and Paddy, saying I could fit in pretty well. And out of the blue one day, he introduced me to the rest of the Wastelanders and Rockies, and they had no idea who I was or what I was there for… Just some random local girl fresh out of high school who landed a job in Moonstone, now the second youngest person in the family. I felt awkward at first, of course, I’m not the most socially experienced person out there. But I’ve fitted in, although Neil sometimes seems to look down on me. I’m not sure if it’s because he thinks I was actually kicked out of college, I mean he doesn’t look down on Nicky or Jessie and they have less qualifications than me! … Whoops, sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so harsh with that. But c’mon Neil, enough with the bitterness! Yeah, I know you’re reading this. Sort yourself out man, seriously now…

My spare time? Aside from what I’ve said already, I’m quite an active and sporty person. Tennis, badminton, that sort of stuff. I often do something with a few of the guys. Nicky and Jessie of course always come along because they’re always full of energy. Mark comes a lot, but not all the time because he reckons he sometimes needs to give his knee a rest, or he’s too beat to exercise, or he’s too busy chasing celebrities across Denland. I also admit I’m a crossword kind of girl too, and I have a lot of puzzle books I spend my quiet time doing. Yes, I’m very old fashioned, but with a strong touch of the modern rebellious teenager mixed in with society-reject. I’m a bit-of-everything type of person, I guess. Comes with the territory.

I hope I grow on you guys during my time here in the family, and hopefully you’ll see a lot more of me as well as just hearing and reading me. I know I’m the new person so I have to work hard to go up the list of Wastelanders and Rockies in terms of who you like more than who, but I’m determined to make people like me, and to find my own calling among the group, find a little niche for myself. A niche that will make me nice and cosy. So nice and cosy, it’ll be like lying in bed on a frosty morning.

Jessie’s Judgments: The 200000 Simolean Makeover



Heya! It’s just me, Jessie!
So last New Year’s, the other guys and some of our close friends pooled together and collected money to help me get my home back. People will know I lost my house because I couldn’t afford living costs, so I’d been living with Mark and Les Animaux for almost a year. Well of course the money helped get my house back, and allowed us all to get together and do a restoration project, so now I have a pretty house again! I just wanted to say a big, BIG thank you to everyone who helped me out. You’re all so great, I love you all. So this one’s for you-MWAH! <3

We had a massive team help do the handiwork, everyone from the family pretty much chipped in somewhere along the lines! Neil helped supply things from his own carpentry chain on the cheap to put a bit less strain on the budget, and we did the work ourselves thoroughly because there’s nothing that guarantees quality like teamwork! It was tiring work, no doubt, but I finally moved in last month after many months of labour, and I’m sooo happy! I miss living with Mark, I enjoyed the company. But I love being independent! I haven’t felt this strong within myself since I first left home at the age of 14. That’s a long story to explain though. Of course, Mark never has to worry about being alone! He has Les Animaux to keep him company all the time now, and of course Maria decided to move in with him too since she gave up her house and tried living out the back of The Desert Cat van for a week before she got fed up. Doesn’t mean that I don’t spend most of my time in that caravan still though! How can I stay away, when there’s two people and two furry aminals there that I love more than anything!?