Afternoon 003 - Alannis, Miffed Marky and The Cookie Collection (Part 1)

This episode aired on December 28th, 2013

Mark: Disclaimer. Bad language throughout yadda yadda yadda turn off now if offended yadda yadda yadda no regulations, no limits yadda yadda yadda your ma’ is a slut yadda yadda… Yadda.

Afternoon 003: Alannis, Miffed Marky and The Cookie Collection

Mark: Heather…
Paddy: Emily…
Mark: Lindsay…
Paddy: Lianna…
Mark: … Olwyn…
Mark and Paddy: HELLO!
Paddy: And… Um… Wilhelmina?
Mark: Emma…
Paddy: Loxy…
Mark: Chrissie!
Paddy: O-…! Uh… Um… Olive!
Mark: Miriam!
Paddy: Erin!
Mark and Paddy: WELCOME!
Mark: To… An Afternoon With Mark…
Paddy: And Paddy…
Sally: And Sally!
Mark: You mean Kazi.
Sally: No, I mean SALLY. Sally! Yay! Hi, it’s me! Sally! My name is Sally!
Mark: There must be a misunderstanding. Usually, there’s this cute blonde chick in a hoodie next to us called Kazi. Instead, we have… You.
Sally: Me!
Mark: Sally, right?
Sally: Yep!
Mark: You’re not Kazi…
Sally: Nope!
Mark: But you are blonde still…
Sally: Indeed I am.
Mark: And you’re… Still a cutie by the looks.
Sally: Hehe! (Cutely) Yes I am!
Mark: … I would.
Sally: You would what?
Mark: … I just “would.”
Sally: Oh… I mean, oh! Oh gosh… (Giggles)
Paddy: Not two minutes in and she’s already gone more red than a bloody traffic light.
Mark: She must be feeling a bit hot in the face now with that amount of blushing, correct?
Sally: (Continues giggling) Yes, correct.
Mark: Well you have to keep warm somehow. Given you’re just in a tank top today. No hoodie.
Sally: No hoodie.
Paddy: And why not? It’s winter, and the cold has only gotten worse this last week.
Sally: It’s in the wash.
Paddy: And the other hoodies?
Sally: Suki stole one, Danni stole TWO, uhm… Another is being patched ‘cause I have an icle tear in it. And the last one… It’s around here SOMEWHERE, but… Not sure where exactly.
Mark: You’ve got more bloody hoodies than Jessie does.
Sally: (Cutely) I do likes my hoodies.
Mark: As does Jess, but… Wow.

Sally: Anyway, welcome everybody. Third time going now, we’re still here.
Paddy: And it’s the original crew back! Yep, hello folks, I have returned.
Mark: Can I get my dancing flowers back now?
Paddy: Nu-uh. Not until I know I’m safe.
Mark: Stop impersonating Elissa Falk and you’ll be safe.
Paddy: Can I impersonate Alannis Episcopa then?
Mark: No.
Paddy: … Terri?
Mark: No!
Paddy: Lizzie?
Mark: Nooooooo!
Paddy: Chrissie?
Mark: NO!
Paddy: Sal?
Mark: … Yeah go on then.
Sally: Thanks…
Paddy: (Clears throat)… Hi.
Mark: Hi Sally.
Sally: Hello.
Paddy: Yeah, hi.
Mark: So what are we gonna’ discuss today then, Sal?
Sally: Well, we’re-
Paddy: Today, Marky, we’re going to rap.
Mark: Rap, you say?
Sally: Oh no, please, not again.
Paddy: Yes, rap. Well… It’s not a rap, really. But I do have a little song for you later. Especially for you.
Mark: Oh right of course, ‘cause we have our song challenge later on.
Paddy: Oh uh, yeah that too, but I have another song for you as well as that.
Mark: Marvellous. Is that all?
Paddy: No, of course that isn’t all! We um… We uh… We have the news, of course.
Mark: Pfff, oh yeah, of course!
Paddy: And um… The weather, let’s not forget.
Mark: Let’s not.
Paddy: And the sports. And…
Mark: Can I interrupt, Kazi?
Paddy: No, you can’t.
Mark: Yes bitch, I fucking well can. Don’t talk back to me like that you stupid ho.
Paddy: (Whimpers) I’m sorry Marky! I’ll be good. Please don’t put me in that basement again.
Mark: Be on your best behaviour, and I’ll reconsider. I may even throw in a bowl of lettuce.
Paddy: Such a kind guy you are Mark, you treat me better than anyone has ever treat me before. Do you want me to do that thing I do?
Mark and Sally: That thing you do?
Paddy: Oh yes. You know.
(Silence)
Paddy: … Or maybe you don’t. I should stop doing that to you when you’re asleep, I’m just too afraid to ask your permission to do it.
Sally: Hey now! Just what-
Paddy: (Laughs) See? You know NOW.
Sally: You’re mean. And sick.
Paddy: Don’t you though? Don’t you do that?
Sally: No I do not!
Paddy: … Does she, Mark?
Mark: Uh… Don’t give me the puppy dog eyes, Kazi!
Sally: … Whoops, sorry.
Paddy: So does she?
Mark: Well, I wouldn’t know if I’m asleep, would I? I suppose she does have a key to my caravan after all. And I DO feel quite jolly when I awaken.
Paddy: Haha!
Sally: Maybe that’s what MARIA does to you, not me.
Mark: …
Paddy: Ok, screw all this nonsense. Let’s talk about Maria now then. What does Maria do to you?
Mark: Nothing! She does nothing.
Paddy: You’re spooning buddies. She’s your “teddy bear” as you described her. We know this much.
Mark: And that is all there is to know.
Paddy: … Well that was boring.
Mark: YOU’RE boring Paddy.
Paddy: (Gasps) You did NOT just say that!
Mark: Indeed I did, and just WHAT are you going to do about it!?
Paddy: I tell ya’ what I’m gonna’ do, I’m gonna’… I’m gonna’… Fuck it, gimme that fuckin’ button for the intro.
(Clattering as Paddy moves over for the button)
Mark: Get off that! Oi!
Paddy: Fuck you!
(Noise continues as they struggle)
Mark: Gah! Get your hand off my balls!
Paddy: I DIDN’T MEAN TO PUT IT THERE! AGH!



(Long silence)
Sally: Behaving now?
Mark: … Go on Paddy, apologise and promise you’ll behave.
Paddy: Eh!? Why ME!? What about you!?
Mark: Me? YOU’RE the cheeky little shit!
Sally: Both of you!
Paddy: Mark first. His name’s first in the alphabet.
Mark: Paddy first.
Sally: And why Paddy first?
Mark: ‘Cause he started it!
Paddy: Wow, so immature. That’s what I’M supposed to say.
Mark: Fine. ‘Cause I’m the fucking boss and I’m TELLING you to!
Paddy: … I apologize…
Mark: And?
Paddy: …
Mark: AND!?
Paddy: … And I promise I’ll behave…
Mark: Good boy. Gooood boy!
Paddy: Don’t you bloody pat my head like you do with Sal.
Mark: I wasn’t gonna’, I was gonna’ ruffle your hair ‘cause you’re a fricken’ Labrador.
Sally: Play nicely now. Paddy’s made his play, now you do yours, Mark.
Mark: No!
Sally: Why not? You owe him an apology too.
Mark: For what? For banning him rightfully from the show for imitating Elissa? For him kidnapping my damn dancing flowers!?
Paddy: (Sigh) Alright! Fuck it, I’ll go get them if that’s gonna’ make you bloody happy.
(Paddy gets up and leaves, door opens and closes)
Mark: And then there were two…
Sally: I think I need a break already.
Mark: Alright, call a quick break then and I’ll get us a couple drinks from the machine quickly.

Man: How would YOU like to enjoy this New Year’s?… You don’t?… Huh, fair play then. It just so happens we have the place for you then! Come on by Darren Duff’s Social Club on Clacton Road in Emerald City on New Year’s Eve, and DON’T celebrate New Year’s with people JUST LIKE YOU. Listen to this: This could be your New Year’s celebration!
(Long silence)
Man: Did you just hear a long silence? Good! ‘Cause that’s how it’s meant to be! When you DON’T celebrate New Year’s in a celebratory fashion. But wait, you say you don’t want to not celebrate it in a celebratory fashion, but in fact celebrate it in a non-celebratory way, so in other words, not celebrate New Year’s AT ALL?… Well now you’re just being silly, and being VERY confusing. Seriously guys, what’s the matter with you all!? Gee…

Sally: … Oh no, really Lizzie? I’m on the air all on my lonesome?
Lizzie: I could come and sit with you if it’d make you feel better, but I-
Sally: Yes please.
Lizzie: Oh. Ok, just one moment then while I…
(Crunch)
Lizzie: Whoops, sorry, I’m just… Trying… To free myself from all these wires that bind me to the streaming station.
(Lots of rattling)
Lizzie: I’m free! I’m free!
Sally: (Giggles) Yay. Now come and sit down here with me, you wally.
(Lizzie sits down)
Sally: Hello everyone, and welcome to An Afternoon With Sally & Lizzie. MRLD’s latest and greatest show with hot chicks, freezing their butts off because they aren’t wearing any warm clothing, ironically.
Lizzie: Hot chicks?
Sally: Yeah, of course! Come on Lizzie, no need to be so modest here. The listeners know what we’re saying… Know what I’m saying?
Lizzie: They do?
Sally: Of course! Have you been reading the posts on The Moonstone Forum lately?
Lizzie: Well yeah, that’s kind of my job as Chief Admin. Especially to make sure T.A.C.T. is working properly too.
Sally: Well then you know what people say about particular members of the family then.
Lizzie: I guess so, but I don’t know which ones you’re relating to.
Sally: I’ll point them out to you and you can put them into this show when you upload it to the forum. Right about here…

The Arcanet Communications Terminal (T.A.C.T.)

Cooper9000: Surely I can’t be the only one who’s seen Sally by now, right? As soon as I saw her, I knew she was gonna’ be a cutie, even compared to Moonstone’s standard of adorable chicks. She’s just so damn gorgeous, I’m sure I’m already in love with her! I mean just take a look at this shot of cuteness:



GingerS*xMachine: Sally? Seriously? SANDS no! Are you kidding me!? I mean don’t get me wrong, she’s alright. But no one, and I mean NO ONE, can compete with Lizzie. C’mon, who can beat the sexiness of that Cohnarite dork? She’s perfection!



Capes4Life: Uhm, sorry to burst your bubbles guys, but…



That is all, friends. Good day.

Cooper9000: Typical Lizzie fan boy, Ginger? And my goodness Capes, Jessie? Are you taking us for a bladdy mug? You’re crazy. Both of you.

GingerS*xMachine: Actually, I’m a fan GIRL. Why did you just assume I was a boy? ‘Cause I say that Lizzie is perfection? You sexist pig.

Cooper9000: As am I! How can I be sexist when I’m a girl myself!? Hypocrite!

KickMuleSteve: Stuff the girls, my name says all.

Cooper9000: Actually Steve, I’ve heard rumours that he’s off somewhere. Not sure on any details, but…

SiggyIIisbetterthanTheFirst: Yeah, I’m with Cooper. I’ve heard something about that too. In fact, I’ve heard someone new is coming along as well, but I think the mods of the forum will kick us if we say more on the subject. Can any of the mods actually say anything at all on the matter?

KickMuleSteve: How do we know where the mods are?

SiggyIIisbetterthanTheFirst: Hash tags at the front of their names. That’s why they wouldn’t let us do it.

#Paddy_S: Say what now? Nobody’s told me of anything about this Steve business.

Capes4Life: Ohmigosh! Actual Paddy Swanson has actually come onto this actual thread! *Squee*

TheHeterochromicCoop: Lol! Poor Paddy been left out of family matters?

#Paddy_S: Whatevs. I get used to it. I’ve been around since the beginning after all. I’m probably leaving as well but don’t even know it.

SiggyIIisbetterthanTheFirst: Paddy Swanson’s too mafia to care!

Lizzie: Ok, point made.
(Door opens and closes)
Sally: You sure took your time.
Mark: Bad traffic at the machine. Here, shove some of that down your throat. Try not to choke.
(Mark sits down and places drinks on the desk)
Sally: I’ll do my best.
Lizzie: And you got Paddy that one as well?
Mark: No, that’s for you.
Lizzie: Aw, you shouldn’t have.
Mark: I look out for my girls. Now off you hop to your perch again, Lizzie.
(Lizzie gets up and goes back to her place)
Mark: Labrador’s not back yet I see… Where the hell did he hide my flowers?
Sally: I wouldn’t have a clue. They must’ve been quite-
(Door opens and closes)
Sally: -Near…
Mark: Aha! Finally! My flowers, oh how I’ve missed them…
Paddy: Yeah, whatever. Here.
(Paddy places the flowers on the desk)
Mark: Today is a great day.
Paddy: Simple pleasures for simple minds.
Mark: You’re one to talk, dipshit.
Sally: Awww, I think it’s really sweet.
Paddy: Well of course you would, you’re the most fucking simple bitch here!
Mark: Pfff hahaha!
Sally: Screw you, Paddy. SCREW YOU!
Mark: Sally and Paddy, ladies and gentleman. Give ‘em a round of applause.
(A solitary person claps)
Mark: Thank you Lizzie.
Lizzie: A pleasure!
Paddy: Why does everyone have drinks?
Mark: Because we got drinks.
Paddy: Well where’s mine?
Mark: You don’t get any. You were returning some STOLEN PROPERTY instead.
Paddy: … Great. No good deed goes unpunished indeed.
Mark: Maybe it wouldn’t be punishable if you hadn’t committed a heinous crime to start with. Think about that next time before you dehydrate.
Paddy: But it gets warm under this head of hair.
Mark: Then count yourself lucky it’s a tad sleety today and quite cold. I mean look at our shivering girls!
Sally: Brrr… Cuddles please.
Mark: Aww come here.
Paddy: You’re being nice to her today. I don’t get it.
Mark: It’s nearly the new year, she deserves it. She’s not been with us long, but she’s been a star.
Sally: Awww Mark! You’re a star too.
Mark: A star in your book?
Sally: Of course!
Mark: Aw babe, and you’re a sweetheart in mine.
Paddy: “Babe”?
Mark: What’s wrong with that?
Paddy: You just called Sal a “babe”…?
Mark: She is though! How many people out there are gonna’ disagree with me? Single digits, Paddy, single digits. And them single digits, y’know what they can do? They can go fuck themselves. They really can. Go on-anyone who doesn’t think Kazi is even remotely physically attractive or indeed a babe-go fuck off this planet and suck some while you’re rotting and decaying in a place worse than hell. You c-
Alex: -D’AWWW!
Paddy: Mark Davison, everybody. Mark Davison, 2013.
Mark: The Neathen Twat has spoken.
Paddy: You certainly love Sal more than we’ve been lead to believe the past few weeks.
Mark: You thought I bullied her because I hated her? Of course not. I love Kazi, she’s wonderful. And she’s mine. All mine!
Paddy: All yours.
Sally: All y-…! Wait, come again?
Mark: You’re mine now.
Sally: Um… I’ll admit, I’m a little scared. But only a little bit. Maybe if I’m informed of proceedings first, I’ll be ok with it.
Paddy: Be ok with WHAT exactly?
Sally: … Whoops, sorry.
Mark: I think it’s time for the news.
Paddy: Yeah, that might be a good idea.
Sally: Yes, that’s a great idea.
Mark: Alright then. Fire away, boys.



Nicky: So Selvan’s almost cleaned up after last week’s winter warming fete. Almost! It’s carnage out there, it really is. I went there yesterday, just to get myself a few new shirts, y’know? I tell ya’, with the scampering crowd and angry people, I barely escaped with the shirt on my back.
(Ba-nam-ba!)
Nicky: Thank you! Thank you very much. The Wasteland to Emerald City bus journeys are making steady progress. They have now achieved 43 miles before overheating and hope to make it up to 50 before New Year’s. They have now named the bus The Emerald Waster, and still promise that this is a much needed service for the folk of Kelderhope… Or for the people of The Wasteland and Emerald City. What a waste.
(Ba-nam-ba!)
Nicky: Thank you again! There’s been news of the giant dogs in Freedom County! Some hunters managed to find some shed fur from one of the dogs, and submitted it into Yelmite labs for analalaysis.
Mark: That’s analysis.
Nicky: I knew that!… Alannanalysis.
Mark and Paddy: ANALYSIS!
Nicky: Alannis! Right, ok. They submitted it to Yelmite labs for Alannis… She couldn’t do anything with it, sadly, as she has no clue on dogs. Or fur. Except maybe Almasian imitation fur. But even then, Alannis doesn’t wear fur clothing does she? I didn’t think she’d do that.
Mark and Paddy: NICKY!
Nicky: R-right! Anyway, the Lanananalysis revealed that these dogs, are in fact, not dogs! What are they? We don’t know! We just know they’re not dogs…
Mark: … Really? Is that all?
Nicky: That’s all!
Mark: What the hell do Yelmite labs exist for? They’re supposed to be the finest scientific minds of Southern… UMC… Ok, that right there explains a lot.
Paddy: “Southern”?
Mark: “UMC”…
Paddy: What are you trying to say about Marvegan scientists?
Mark: There’s three types of Marvegan in my mind, Paddy. There’s those that pretend to be scientists, like those in Yelmite labs. There’s the hot and sexy country girls like Jenny. And then there’s you. So only 1 in 3 Marvegan people are those that I actually love. Luckily, Moonstone is about 87% of them 1 in 3 people.
Paddy: So you’re saying you don’t love me.
Mark: That’s exactly what I’m saying, you flower thieving, impersonating, mongrel-haired, ball-grabbing tosspot!
Paddy: I didn’t mean to grab your-… Argh, this is not gonna’ sound right, no matter what I phrase it to be.
Mark: No it won’t sound right, Paddy. Because it’s VERY VERY wrong! You do know that in some of the nearby states, 30 or 40 years ago, they’d have strung you up and shot you for doing that?
Paddy: Fuck you!
Mark: See? This is exactly the sort of behaviour I don’t expect from you, mister! Keep your man-love tendencies away from me, ok!? I’m straight. STRAIGHT! As straight as a fucking pine needle.
Paddy: I’ll take a fucking pine needle and jam it up your-
Nicky: Guys! Guys!
Mark and Paddy: WHAT!?
Nicky: … The news?
Mark: … Sorry Nicky. Be a pro for us, continue.
Nicky: Ok! So, continuing the news… Um… And that’s the end of the news! Now time for the weather!
Mark: That’s great, Nicky. Real pro.
Paddy: You forgot the travel.
Nicky: Oh yeah!
Mark: Gah, damn it…
Nicky: The roads seem pretty clear, as far as the Moonstone Eagle can see. That’s what we call our traffic cams by the way. Roads are clear, BUT, New Tawsdale seems to be getting a little glazed over in ice. So ditch them Hunkas for some ice skates! Yeah! Ok, NOW the weather!

Floyd: Thank you guys. So, as we’ve just been saying, the cold has been coming in. Pretty much everywhere now has dropped or is dropping below 18 degrees Celsius now, brrr. Except for Selvan, which is still a toasty 31 right now, with no signs of dropping further just yet. Everywhere is dry, small amount of overcast. I’ve been forbidden to mention clouds or sheep or any form of disease this week. Selvan’s still quite bright, New Tawsdale is starting to darken as there is a hint of snow approaching over that way. Meanwhile, in Kelderhope, we have rain in the forecast for next week. Lake Kinneas has been reinforced in anticipation of a potential flood. The lake’s rangers assure us there’s no chance of any embankments breaking as has been their 4 year guarantee since the extra-tough banks and more prompt and effective winter measures had been put in place back in late 2008, early 2009. Dusty Springs however? Clear skies, lots of sun, but a very strong gale is warned, so be prepared if you’re over that way. And that concludes the weather. Sports! Over to you, Steve.



Steve: Hi guys… Ok, the sports, yes…
Floyd: You sound unhappy Steve.
Nicky: Yeah, why the long face?… Or, long voice even.
Steve: Eh, it’s nothing. I’m just making the most of this.
Floyd: Of… Sport?
Steve: Uh, yeah… Sure.
Nicky: (Giggles) You’re strange, Stevie!
Steve: Thanks Nick. I appreciate it. The time I’ve spent with you has been… Well, it’s taught me a great deal about the world and a… Small portion of the people in it.
Nicky: You’re welcome Stevie! Glad I taught you something.
Steve: Yep. Anyway, sports.
Nicky: SPORTS!
Floyd: Sports!
Steve: Well with us being in the thick of winter, all the major leagues have been wrapped up… Forgive the pun… And are now over until the 2014 leagues all open up. However, the Maulinian Cup in the ATT was scheduled for this afternoon, the opening match that Ruben Gerard was expected to lead, as per ATT tradition. However, there’s been one hell of a storm over that way where the stadium is, and has been deemed too dangerous to be used even with the automated roof and court lighting, so has been placed on hold until the weather ends. Weather’s been forecast to only get worse that way for the next two or three days so there could be an extreme sync problem with the championship’s schedule. More info on that later in Mac & Squiggy’s evening show tonight if there’s been any progress on opening the court up. Um… Other than that, that’s… The sport.
Nicky: Spooort!
Steve: Somehow, I hoped I had more to say this week, but… I guess this is it.
Nicky: This IS it.
Floyd: What’s it?… Oh, ‘cause it’s the last of the year.
Steve: Yeah, sure. That’s why. Ok then, um, back to the studio, fellas.

Paddy: What’s with him lately?
Mark: What?
Paddy: Steve. He’s been… Weird.
Mark: And? You’re a bloody weirdo all the time but we don’t question it.
Paddy: Never question me.
Mark: I don’t. But fucking hell, some days I wish I did.
Paddy: Such as?
Mark: Such as what possessed the Labrador hair? What possessed the 12 year old girlfriend? What possessed the thieving of my flowers? WHAT possessed the impersonation of Elissa!? What possessed you to have a crush on Alice? And what possessed you to even be here in the damn first place!?
Paddy: …
Mark: Huh!?
Paddy: Let’s tackle them one at a time, shall we?
Mark: Yes, let’s!
Paddy: Ok, the hair is not of a Labrador.
Mark: It is!
Paddy: It’s not! It’s perfectly normal. You look at some buggers of the past like… Mike Simmons!
Mark: Oh don’t you dare mention that fuck-faced, perverted, old, creepy dickweed on my radio show.
Paddy: I’m just using him as an example! Look at HIS hair, now THAT was proper Labrador hair, if you remember.
Mark: … Well, I didn’t say you had the WORST hair. It’s still pretty bad though. And the fact you claim you still spend half an hour in the mornings combing and brushing it is even worse.
Paddy: Whatever. The 12 year old girlfriend, I assume you’re referring to Judy, she is NOT 12, and WAS NOT 12 when we dated neither. I was 21, she was 19. And for the record, she was very cute, and really sweet, a lovely girl who I can say was a brilliant girlfriend.
Mark: Where does she rank out of all the girlfriends you’ve had?
Paddy: Oh, well, I’d say about… 3rd or 4th?
Sally: Only 3rd or 4th?
Mark: And she was THAT great? How many girlfriends have you had?
Paddy: That’s a totally different conversation. And you know fine well what possessed me to steal your damn flowers! Because you booted me from last week’s show.
Mark: And I did that PRECISELY because you mocked Elissa!
Paddy: I did not mock Elissa! I pretended to be her and try to embarrass you. I thought you were mad at me for winding you up!
Mark: Winding me up? Screw that, you didn’t wind me up. Only thing that made me mad at you was because you were picking on Elissa which I will not tolerate FROM ANYONE!
Paddy: …
Mark: And Alice?
Paddy: Oh, yeah…
Mark: Alice, everyone, is the office manager here at MRLD. Just to clarify.
Paddy: It was just coincidence she was our office manager! I just… I dunno… That blonde hair… That nose piercing… That lip piercing… Them shorts and them boots…
Mark: You were practically drooling over her at last year’s New Year’s party.
Paddy: Yeah, the party that you left EARLY to go hang out with your “real” friends Vincenzo and Mr White.
Mark: Paco is not my friend, and don’t even suggest it. I didn’t really even like that tosser at all from the very beginning, if I’m honest. What Luke saw in him as a friend is beyond me.
Paddy: I didn’t mean Paco White, I MEANT Luke. Y’know, white hair!?
Mark: Not anymore he ain’t! Oh but of course you wouldn’t know, since you MISSED OUT last week.
Paddy: You bastard.
Mark: You mongrel.
Paddy: Anyway, now you know why I liked Alice!
Mark: Liked, or like?
Paddy: … Reserving judgment.
Mark: Of course.
Paddy: And you wanna’ know why I’m even here at all?
Mark: Please. In all the… Almost 3 years I’ve known you, I’ve never been able to figure that one out.
Paddy: Hey, I was living here before you! I should be asking YOU why YOU’RE even here in the first place!
Mark: Because I ran away from my parents! Because my old acting job in Maulinia came to the end of it’s 3 year stint! Because me and Chrissie needed somewhere new to live! BECAUSE I HAVE A MOONSTONE TO RUN! So, back to you, why are YOU still here after I turned this place into MY patch!?
Paddy: I don’t know! From what I can see, I’m wasting my time here!
Mark: Indeed you are! So fuck off if you want to make a use for yourself!
Sally: Guys, I know you only argue as part of being in-character and all, but even I’m being so convinced and not so sure if you’re just joking around anymore.
Paddy: OF COURSE WE’RE JOKING!
Mark: Yeah, what the hell did you think Kazi? That I actually see Paddy as a waste of space and wish him to fuck off?
Sally: Well… Right this instant, yeah.
(Mark and Paddy laugh)
Mark: No! No of course I don’t! He’s my best friend, you daft cow!
Paddy: Yeah, likewise. He’s like my damn brother man!
Mark: Come ‘ere you!
Sally: Agh!… Why, oh why, do you guys always have to sandwich me to death when you bro-hug?
Mark: ‘Cause we wanna’ share the love with you, baby.
Sally: Thanks, I’ll treasure this moment for always then in that case…
Paddy: Whew! I needed that hug-out.
Mark: Yeah, me too. And hey, you didn’t try to grab my balls that time!
Paddy: THAT WAS A DAMN ACCIDENT!
Mark: Of course it was Paddy, of course it was.

Paddy: My turn to ask YOU some questions now.
Mark: Alright then, shoot.
Paddy: What REALLY possessed you to create Moonstone? What REALLY possessed you to come here of all places to do so? What REALLY possessed you to live with Maria? And what REALLY possessed you to ditch Chrissie? The latter being something many people would just LOVE to know.
Mark: …
Sally: Erm, sheepishly, myself included.
Mark: (Sighs) Ok then… Why did I make Moonstone… Why DID I make Moonstone? Well, I made Moonstone because… Sadly, my 3 year acting gig in Maulinia didn’t hit me off with such a popularity over here in Marvega initially. Only after we became Kings Of The Desert did my Maulinian career make me that more famous. I always wanted to come to the UMC. As a teen, I yearned to live in a caravan, and to live in the UMC, and to experience the ranch-style living of the desert. Then it hit me, why not all three combined? This was the best place for me, given the surrounding areas being a mass variety too. And well… You folks who were already here: you Paddy, Helen, Neil weirdly, and of course Jenny and Maria.
Paddy: Oh of course…
Mark: I was still a failed writer in the eyes of Marvegan society, and in the eyes of you lot.
Paddy: Aw hey now wait a minute buddy, you were never a failure in our eyes. I mean hey, I was a fucking Sales Advisor for a damn supermarket. Can’t get much more fail than that.
Mark: You had more income and stability than I did though. And even now, you have a proper house and I’m still in a bloody caravan.
Paddy: You just said you WANTED the caravan!
Mark: I do!… But that’s not the point!
Paddy: Well what IS the point?
Mark: The point IS… I was just a fake redneck with no real job and no means to impress. In all honesty? I felt ashamed. Embarrassed, even. Like I let her down, and all I was to her was a disappointment.
Paddy: Let who down?
Mark: Chrissie.
Paddy: You did all this to impress Chrissie?
Mark: No, this is what I WANTED to do, but… I felt the pressure inside me to make it happen, because of Chrissie.
Paddy: She pushed you then.
Mark: No, not at all. In fact, I admittedly used to lie to her over the phone when I was here and she still lived in Denland. I’d be all like “yeah things are swell, well under way to being celebrities already over here.” And she’d believe me, and tell me she was so proud of me. Actually shit, I’ve never told her that. Oh dear sands if she listens to these shows.
Paddy: We never did hear if she does, did we?
Mark: Nope. We haven’t spoken in forever neither.
Paddy: How long’s it been?
Mark: Beginning of October. She said she’d be coming back shortly and would let me know, so I could pick her up from the airport, and go collect Amy the Amazon from the port afterwards. But since then, nothing.
Paddy: Huh… And before we go too far off-topic from not telling people things, did we hear back from Elissa about her reaction to being discussed on the show, and your first Rocky Report?
Mark: Yep, and surprisingly neutral.
Paddy: Indifferent, you mean.
Mark: That too, but she doesn’t want to declare anything any more than I do.
Paddy: … Sometimes it feels like you want to declare a lot.
Mark: But I’ve got nothing TO declare. And ok then maybe she doesn’t want to declare anything as much as I do. Bottom line is, all is well and good and no impact made from all this talk about her and me and us or whatever way round you wanna’ phrase things.

Sally: We’re pretty off-topic now from Paddy’s questions.
Paddy: Sorry. We had other important matters to discuss while we were at them. Ok, so… How come you lived with Maria?
Mark: I think you’ll find Maria lives with ME.
Paddy: What’s the difference?
Mark: The difference is it’s my caravan, but she’s my roomie. Why’s she my roomie? Well I’ll tell you why. She slung her house ‘cause she wanted to live in an RV. Yeah, I know. Thing is, all she ended up with was The Desert Cat van, which of course she already owned. Being Kings’ very own Kim Walker after all. Anyway, me and Maria are very close. We’re married, in fact. Don’t forget our Rivet City marriage.
Paddy: Don’t worry, I don’t think anyone’s forgotten that just yet.
Mark: So I offered her a place in my caravan.
Paddy: And in your bed.
Mark: It’s all innocent really. I explained last week we’re spooning buddies, and she’s my teddy bear.
Paddy: But you already have a TESSY BEAR!
Mark: I will ALWAYS have a Tessy Bear, but I also have a teddy bear too. It’s lonely in a caravan with just a couple animaux you know.
Paddy: You greedy git.
Mark: Yup. And so I have the best roomie ever-we get drunk together, listen to rock music, go for drives in the wilderness, have good fun and laughs every night…
Paddy: Was that a euphemism?
Mark: And she’s just great, she really is.
Sally: Forgive me for saying this, but it sounds like there’s something very “special” about your bonding.
Mark: We have a very special bond, yes.
Sally: No, no, you don’t understand. A “special bond.”
Mark: Oh… Uh, well, not really no. Though I have contemplated it at times.
Sally: You’ve thought about having something with Maria?
Mark: I didn’t mean that, what I meant was, I’ve sometimes wondered if she felt something for me. But ‘course I know it’s just ridiculous, we’re best friends!
Paddy: But I thought I was your best fr-
Mark: My best male friend, and my best female friend.
Paddy: I thought JESSIE was your best female fr-
Mark: My best female friend, and my best friend.
Paddy: So hang on… You have a best male friend, a best female friend… And just a best friend?
Mark: That’s correct.
Paddy: Does Jessie not have a gender or something?
Mark: She does. But riddle me this-how would you describe Miriam?
Paddy: Quite an attractive, if not possessive and clingy, woman.
Mark: Good. And how would you describe Maria?
Paddy: A passionate, fun-loving, often cynical and… Sometimes quite wild chick.
Mark: And Helen?
Paddy: A caring, understanding, giggly and imaginative lass.
Mark: Ok, this is good, this is good. And now describe Jessie.
Paddy: A lively, cheery, bubbly, excitable and surprisingly intelligent, caring person.
Mark: There! You just proved my point!
Paddy: Huh?
Mark: Miriam’s a “woman,” Maria’s a “chick,” Helen’s a “lass,” but Jessie is a “PERSON.”
Paddy: I’m not following.
Mark: Let me try another tack. When someone says “female” to you, what do you think?
Paddy: A possibly attractive girl who I would like to see.
Mark: Exactly. And what other words would YOU use to describe them?
Paddy: Um, you mean woman, lady, lass, gal and stuff like that?
Mark: Yep, you’re getting there. Note that you didn’t use ANY of them to describe Jessie.
Paddy: … Oh.
Mark: See, there you go. That’s why Jessie is the best friend and not the best female friend. Because she’s a PERSON.
Paddy: So you’re saying girls are not people? Brilliant… But hang on, you often refer to Jessie as a girl.
Mark: Heck, I still view Jessie as I would any other attractive girl.
Paddy: You just said “attractive GIRL!” See!? You use both words together!
Mark: This is my point! I do that, I KNOW I do. But nobody else does, do they?
Paddy: So… It’s supposed to make sense because, ironically, it shouldn’t make sense?
Mark: EXACTLY!
Paddy: … I feel like I wasted a lot of my life understanding that.
Mark: I feel like I wasted a lot of my life explaining that.
Sally: I just feel like I wasted a lot of my life.
(Silence)
Paddy: I think I need a break.

Jo: Hiya guys, it’s Jo here from Jo, Josh & Stan’s Attic Antics on MRLD. And I am here to remind you sweet people of the New Year’s Eve and Day live streams we’re doing with Jackie and Dick from MRUD, from 6pm until 2am, PICC-5. I know, me is going to be so exhausted when I’m done. Luckily I have the strong strapping men to do the most of the work.
Josh: I certainly hope not, Joan. How am I supposed to last that long for two nights in a row? It’s impossible!
Stan: Quit being such a bloody pansy and get on with it. It’s gonna’ be great, I know it. And I know that you guys know it too and won’t miss it.
Jackie and Dick: Hey guys.
Jo: This room just got crowded.
Jackie: Get used to it honey, we’re going to be stuck like this for at least 16 hours.
Dick: You guys just be careful of personal space, know what I’m sayin’?
Josh: (Sighs) This is going to be interesting, I say…

Paddy: Ok, onto the meaty business.
Mark: You like a bit of meat, do you Paddy?
Paddy: Was that a-
Mark: Yes it was, now state your business.
Paddy: The Chrissie business.
Mark: Oh. Right.
Paddy: Why did you ditch her?
Mark: I didn’t… Ditch her.
Paddy: You told her to get the fuck out of the caravan in Denland and sent her off to her parents. And started going out with Terri for the second time around not four days later or something.
Mark: … I wouldn’t call that DITCHING Chrissie…
Paddy: Wouldn’t you?
Mark: No, you’re right, I was far too harsh on her, now I look back… My poor Cookie Crumble.
Paddy: Hey man, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. She got homesick, and took it badly. Took it OUT on YOU for that matter. Y’know, there were reasons why you picked her up and threw her out over the railing and onto her arse, and… Chrissie, as much as we all love you, Mark can’t be blamed for what he did.
Mark: …
Paddy: You’re welcome buddy.
Mark: … I miss Chrissie.
Paddy: We all do! I didn’t say you didn’t, y’know. It’s been a very long time since anyone’s seen her. And since then, you and Helen are the only people to have spoken with her. Ex-boyfriend and best friend.
Mark: But not her best male friend or best female friend.
Paddy: Heh, guess not.
Mark: Sally, are you alright? You’ve been quiet for ages.
Sally: Well I’ve never met Chrissie, so… I have no input on her. I don’t want her to hate me. If I ever DO meet her.
Mark: Of course you will! She’s… Coming back… Someday… Probably… Maybe… I think.
Sally: Doubtful?
Mark: No not doubtful! I just… Dunno where she is right now. Breathing, I hope.
Sally: I’m sure she is. I just… Whoops, sorry. I didn’t mean to-
Mark: It’s fine. I am concerned. She said she’d come back a couple months ago. Since then, she’s not been online. Even Helen’s heard zip from her.
Paddy: And there’s been nothing on the news about plane crashes or missing ships.
Mark: Normally I’d laugh, but with Chrissie, that’s not very funny.
Paddy: Sorry.
Mark: I just don’t really want anything bad to have happened to her. She left this Mystery Beach of hers some time ago. After that bloke rejected her.
Paddy: Oh yeah! That “Denevian” guy who happened to be called Lalo. Good Denevian name.
Mark: Yeah. And that was some time ago too. They played volleyball together a lot so I was told, them and a few other girls. She really liked him, he didn’t feel the same way, and got off with one of the other girls. She packed up and left after he was a dick to her. I don’t even know where she went after that. I’d have imagined to her folks. But I did happen to swing by there when I was in Denland a few times. No luck.
Paddy: Did you ask them if they’d heard from her?
Mark: Are you kidding? They hated me from the start. Like how my parents hated Chrissie too. I just checked to see if Amy the Amazon was around. But no.
Sally: She could’ve just been out.
Mark: She could’ve. But I’d have likely seen or at least heard Amy at some point, of all the times I kept my eyes and ears peeled for her.
Paddy: We need to backtrack here though. Rewind to when you threw her out.
Mark: Ok…
Paddy: Set the scene, how you came to be in that place.
Mark: In Denland?
Paddy: Yes.
Mark: Well some woman claiming to be my mam accidentally got pregnant when she wasn’t meant to even be able to do such a thing, was a smoker and didn’t quit until after a couple months, got chased across a golf course with my auntie by some blokes driving a Dover Duet, and had a craving for ice cubes. Eventually, she gave birth to me. THAT is how I came to be in Denland.
Paddy: …
Mark: … Oh you meant for filming Evil Born Evil!
Paddy: Uh, yeah.
Mark: Sorry ‘bout that. Ok well, Luke offered me and Steve spots in the third series of Evil Born Evil. Apparently our debut with Kings was very impressive to him.
Paddy: Can’t imagine why…
Mark: Me neither. So we went to Lystow. Me and Terri, who worked for Luke as P.A. at the time, bought a caravan down there together to stay in. Of course, I couldn’t leave my Cookie Crumble behind.
Paddy: Oh no, of course not.
Mark: So she came along with me and Steve. Of course, Lizzie joined us briefly as her and Chrissie were recording Hart & Chalmers still at the time. We also had Nicky to babysit for a while, and then Paddy, you came to visit us briefly. Bringing Jess with you.
Paddy: More like she missed you so much that she refused to stop squeezing my wrist until I brought her.
Mark: Awww! Did icle Jessie hurt you?
Paddy: No, but it was annoying to walk everywhere dragging her behind while she’s screaming “Take me! Take me with you! I wanna’ go I wanna’ go I wanna’ gooooo!”
Mark: And that wasn’t adorable to you?
Paddy: And that wouldn’t be annoying to you?
Mark: No!
Paddy: No!
Mark: Why would it!?
Paddy: Right back at you!
Mark: Well Jessie’s the cutest and cuddliest creature known to man. You just have to snuggle her once and you’ll adore her forever.
Paddy: Then forgive me if I keep my distance from now on. I’m not catching the Tam-Tamitis.
Mark: As diseases go, it’s an awesome one to have.
Paddy: Is it contagious?
Mark: Highly.
Paddy: (Shudders)
Mark: So is Kazitis.
Sally: What?… Oh no, not again-
Mark: See? I’ve got that condition too.
Sally: Why do you always hug me when I’m not prepared? And WHY do you always squeeze me so much it hurts!?
Mark: It’s symptoms of Kazitis. Love and hate at the same time. I love you, so I cuddle you. And yet I get an urge to cause you pain.
Sally: Thanks!
Mark: You’re welcome, flower.
Paddy: They aren’t STDs are they?
Mark: No, sands no, what the hell are you trying to say? I haven’t… “Done” Kazi.
Paddy: …
Mark: … OR Jessie!
Paddy: Uh-huh. And all that cuddling and bed sharing with Jessie is… Unrelated, I assume?
Mark: Yes it is!

Paddy: Actually, shit, that reminds me. You slept with Jessie when you were still with Chrissie!
Mark: What!? No I-… Oh! Now hold on, there’s a reason for that.
Sally: This’ll be fun…
Mark: It’s not THAT kind of sleeping with. Here’s what happened: Me and Jessie hadn’t had a catch-up for a long time, so I promised to take her out to dinner one night. Me and Chrissie weren’t speaking, so me and Jess just went out. We talked, we ate, we went for a stroll and what-have-you then we went home… It was quite late, and everyone was asleep. So rather than waking Chrissie, me and Jessie shared the sofa bed in the front room, as that’s where Jess had been sleeping the last couple nights.
Paddy: … Wait a minute… Jess shared her bed with Nicky.
Mark: … Riiight.
Paddy: … You didn’t-
Mark: Yes he was in the bed too.
Sally: This IS fun.
Paddy: Save yourself here, Mark, c’mon now.
Mark: I woke up with Jessie on top of me, snoozing away. And Nicky holding onto my arm on the side of me, resting his head on my shoulder.
Sally: How sweet. Like one big happy family.
Mark: My arse! I pushed Nicky out of bed.
Sally: How mean.
Mark: Then continued snuggling Jessie.
Paddy: I remember the awkward moment when me and Chrissie walked in on that.
Mark: Wasn’t awkward at all. Chrissie knew Jessie was like a soft toy to me.
Paddy: I think Bob was more concerned actually. I reckon she was still figuring out what she was getting herself into.
Mark: Oh yeah, Bobbie visited for a bit didn’t she?
Paddy: Yep.
Mark: You called her fat.
Paddy: I did NOT call her fat, I-
Mark: You look back at our Desert Diary from last July I think it was. You will see.
Paddy: I said the caravan was getting cramped.
Mark: And that we had to breathe in when Bobbie had arrived.
Paddy: But I-… There’s no winning with you. Actually there is! Yeah, in that same Desert Diary, Terri had read your not-so-subtle letter to The Crimson Bulletin and you went out for a talk. Y’know, the talk where you both said you still liked each other? And you’d been thinking about it the past week or so while you and Chrissie were arguing and having issues?
Mark: Chrissie was homesick, damn it! She got very stroppy and moody with me a lot when she was like that and although I loved her so much, I still do, I couldn’t take it anymore.
Paddy: …
Mark: I’m sorry, alright!? I’m fucking sorry!… I miss Chrissie, alright!? I still love her! How could I not!? After everything we’ve been through! Yes, I love Terri too, she’s been with me as-near-as-makes-no-difference, my entire life! But even Terri and I didn’t last. She moved over here, missed home, had to go back, and I couldn’t leave. It’s ironic that Terri missed her hometown and couldn’t settle in here, while Chrissie missed her home HERE and couldn’t settle into her hometown. I just can’t bloody win can I!?
Paddy: Alright, alright, breathe.
Mark: I am fucking breathing!
Sally: Yeah, but not for much longer at this rate. Calm Mark, calm. Here… Mmm.
Mark: Kazi cuddles… Kazi sooth.
Sally: Yes Mark, she does.
Paddy: Perhaps we should move on.
Mark: Yeah. I… I need a drink. A nice big strong pint of… Apple & raspberry juice.
Sally: Done. My treat for you sweetie.
Mark: Thanks hun. Ok, let’s take a break. Instead of ads, folks, I’ll play the footage me and Luke did after last week’s show.



Mark: So, Luke... Paddy... Whatever-we’re-calling-you-now. Explain... Well, what this is exactly. I'm lost. Kazi's lost-look at her derpy gaze there.
Sally: ...
Mark: Guide us.
Luke: Righto, well this is, if you haven't guessed already, “Reporter In The Field.” I've buggered off into the wilderness of this astounding land and I'm here to report back on what I've found. Now I'm sure it will come as no surprise to the people with me in this room right now but this is for you folks, out there in the big wide world, I want you all to know about this place they call Marvega.
Mark: This better be good. Those people I used to live with as a child will probably wonder why I came here and left them behind. Actually, no matter how bad you make this place out to be, it's still better than with them... They know who they are...
Luke: So, first thing's first, I left the studio and was instantly greeted by the sight and smell of dog shit on the pavement. But, I'll just shrug off that one, you get pricks like that everywhere failing to clean their les animaux’s mess up...
Mark: And for the record, this place is also usually very clean. Not including Wonderdogs, there's only three maybe four animaux owners in Emerald.
Luke: Well, this place is... alright. But according to the arcanet, bear with... I'll just whip out my phone...
Mark: We've got three computers in here and he takes out his phone? Well that doesn't sound absurd at all.
Luke: Yep... there we go. Marvega... 19th cleanest country in the world. Now it's not a surprise why some people consider it a third-world country. I mean, I'll admit, when I lived in Los Martires, you'd be in a pretty neighbourhood one minute and then you continue to travel and you find a neighbourhood which is in a worse state than say, a village in Rochesberry. See what I mean? Maybe that's down to its multiculturalism and diversity, I don't know, it's fascinating... and it's a similar story from my experiences here.
Mark: Variety is the spice of life, as I'm sure you know. That's what makes this place so darn good, so free... You could hook up, with difficulty, with some rich urban broad who wears designer dresses. Next? Hook up with a trampy yet admittedly hot skank in some rundown shack with a distressed denim skirt and a lack of self respect. Sound shallow? Yeah well that's the world we live in, gotta' accept some sad truths. So long as the woman ain't riddled with worse sights than some bloke's poor Quantum who's browsed the Arcanet and beyond for "classique" literature of the adult kind.
Luke: Yes, yes... but the whole world does not revolve around tits and arses, Davison. You must learn. The world revolves around money, not love. Money that quite frankly Marvega has too much of, and where does all that money go? The bloody army, which are as useless as an ovulating grandmother. There's hardly any wars that go on nowadays, Alterra is in peace, but the army is still the most important thing!? No wonder this country is in great debt.
Mark: Speaking of ovulating grandmothers, The Great Wise Mitch himself said life was about tits and arses, and that man... Although fictional, is a great mind that should rule Alterra and make universal laws for us all. Plus, how can we be in debt? When Paddy pays for the army all by himself with them parking fines of his... Or he would, if he actually bothered to pay them on-time.
Luke: Yeah well, those parking fines aren't spent accordingly, I'm afraid.  I'm sure Steven Little will be amazed to hear such praise for his character Mark, but we must move on to my experiences in your neighbourhood. As you can see Mark, and rightfully prove to the listeners that I do not have a scratch on me, I'm as clean as a whistle... no scars, no mud, nobody tackled me to the floor and mugged me, all is well!
Mark: So where the hell did you go then? You were gone for so long, I started to wonder if you ventured into Hwaria, fell in love with a beautiful short Hwarian babe hustling pool in some dingy bar and lived happily ever after away from all the chaos of the rest of the world.
Luke: Ah, I wish but it wasn't quite like that. And, I didn't get mugged but I saw mugging, I think. I'm not sure what on Alterra they were trying to do the poor bloke, indeed-it was a group of women ganging up on a poor bloke. Maybe it was something to do with dope or something, but yes. I spent a long time out there. You want to know why?
Mark: That was probably Steven The Ladies' Man. No, not Steve Garland, and no, not Steven Little. Steven The Ladies' Man. He always has a few women on his arms, I'm sure he's a pimp... He's in Emerald? I haven't seen him in months, he's usually up north in the big city. Sorry, you were saying something Luke-why did you spend so much time out there? Was Steven yet another Steve to die for?
Luke: Hold on a second, because NO! I was attracted to a certain somebody, but they were not called Steve, for once! She was a she, and I met her in a bar in Rivet City of course, and she's lost, apparently. She was chatting to the barman, she explained to him she was trying to reach Hwaria for a gig, and the barman went into the back so I thought I'd take it upon myself to talk to her. Her name is Ivana and she's from Barmera, she's an aspiring actress but already a well-established model. Ah, yeah, and we spoke for hours about our situations, and how we both became lost in this wretched place, and then suddenly, I realized... maybe this place isn't so wretched after all...
Sally: You made it to Rivet City?
Mark: Now I'm curious as to how you got back so quick. Y'know, given that's like nearly 100 miles north of this place. You did just go for a walk, right?... Not a flight?
Luke: Well, maybe not Rivet City then, I've been away from this part of Marvega for years, is it Emerald City? It's quite a small community but it's bigger than this, obviously.
Sally: This IS Emerald City... Ironic name, I know. It isn't a city at all, but that's its name.
Mark: I think someone's been giving you Tic-Tocs... You aren't on about Hendersfield are you?
Luke: I don't know, all the road signs have either been knocked over, sold for scrap metal or graffitied on. Maybe it was Hendersfield.
Mark and Sally: Hendersfield.
Sally: Definitely Hendersfield.
Mark: The very far back part is actually very nice, but the front is awful. Not a lot of people bother to venture on to see the nice place behind its cover. Most people just think it's a myth, but it ain't.
Luke: Well, now things are making perfect sense, you see-I didn't have the time to explore it. I pretty much landed at the first bar I found, and Ivana was there. Apparently she belongs to a modelling agency based in Levachia, so I may see her more often. If you're listening Ivana, give us a call, no?
Mark: Perhaps Ivana, if you were to get in touch with US, I can then contact Luke here and... Well, perhaps we can come to some sort of arrangement, surely.
Sally: Grief.
Mark: You know the kinda' arrangement I mean, right Lukey-Boy?
Luke: You're not trying to pull the strings again, are you? Ivana will be on her way to Hwaria now.
Mark: Me and my gal pals stop by in Hwaria often. Their home country, you know. Perhaps if I were to find her for you, you could perhaps find... Oh I don't know... A young, cute, Fauch brunette?
Sally: (Sighs) That's it. That's all I've heard the last week.
Luke: No, no, no. Leave Ivana alone, you will find that not all women are attracted to you Mark, there are times where you need to step aside and let things flow without any un-required disruption.
Mark: Who said I was after Ivana? I was offering to do you a favour in trade.
Luke: Oh, so you mean you find Ivana for me and I give you a Fauch brunette to see her? What kind of nasty trick is that!? Unbelievable.
Mark: Sally, sweetheart, explain to our confused gentleman here.
Sally: (Sigh) He's on about Caitlin...
Mark: See, that weren't so hard, was it?
Luke: No, it wasn't! To make things even easier, you could've just said! Although, unfortunately... it's out of my hands. I've lost contact with her, but hey, she doesn't matter now. She wouldn't appeal to you anyway, now that she's 17 and everything...

Mark: You have private eyes at Crimson, right? Find her! Hell, any bugger can find any bugger these days when they put their noggins together. Besides, Suki's 17. Sabbie's 17.
Sally: Are you trying to suggest you find yourself drawn to Suki?... Pff, I knew it.
Mark: Shut up Kazi. What you say has no meaning in this conversation.
Sally: Does it ever?
Mark: No. So, Caitlin... Argh Luke why did you have to ruin my dreams here!?
Luke: I'll do my best, but do you really reckon she's going to come all the way here to see you? You'll have to go and see her, IF I find her, that is.
Mark: That's not a problem. It'd be my PLEASURE. To do that, yes. TOTES fine with me, I'd be HAPPY to.
Sally: This is the most enthusiasm he's had all year, you know.
Mark: Zip it Kaz, I didn't even know you until a few months ago.
Luke: One thing though, you said you'd find Ivana for me? She'll be spending most of her time around Eastern Ryone anyway so... you won't find her in Marvega for long. Sure, she spends a lot of her time in Barmera but, not a lot. Even still, Barmera is miles and miles away from you considering how much landmass Marvega and Barmera both possess.
Mark: I've got my contacts within Moonstone who spend a lot of time up there. Heck, I can even hire a few of my Pebbles up that way to scope out. Or better still, next time this hooded blonde rap bitch tours up there looking for inspiration for her sick rhymes. Or... Well, what if she lingers in Hwaria for a while? Me, Mia and Maya could spot her.
Luke: Well, she'll be in Hwaria now I reckon. Call one of your Hwarian gal pals now and let me restore my faith in this country, for it may have found me the love I've been hunting high and low for. Go on, do it. Then I promise I'll stop bashing Marvega and let you get on with your life in peace. Go on...!
Mark: ... They're Hwarian... And we do visit Hwaria together... And I did meet them in Hwaria... But they live in Dusty Springs... That's just 30 or 40 miles northwest of The Wasteland.
Luke: Oh, too bad. They moved to Marvega as well? Bad, really bad... oh well, I'll find her on my own. Faith in Marvega? Not restored.
Mark: But... But... Caitlin!
Sally: Oh for the love of... If I changed my dang name to flippin' Caitlin, would THAT make you happy!?
Mark: No it wouldn't! Caitlin isn't some persistently-apologetic hoodie who thinks she's Moorish!
Sally: ... Whoops, sorry.
Mark: I rest my case.
Luke: Poor Kaz-ah-Kazi. Rapping is an art, not Moorish folklore, you buffoon.
Sally: See Marky? Nyeh! Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh!
Mark: Who's just turned into Nicky...
Luke: Anyway... to sum up my report then, not much happened, or at least what I saw because I was spending most of my time in a bar chatting up a fit young brunette model. But bless Marvega for giving me that opportunity. Would I come back to live here though? No. I'd rather get out of it what I can like I have today and then bugger off and take her skiing in St. Sanen or something, apparently she loves skiing.
Mark: And yet you failed to score any contact deets? Poor... Very poor. The Antster gives you an instant 8 out of 16 Moon Stone maximum score then. But for a first attempt, he will give kudos where it's due. You did well for... Well, being you.
Luke: You reckon we'd speak for a few hours and NOT exchange phone numbers? Piffle! I've only just met her, the time will come boy, the time will come...
Mark: Yeah, it isn't like there's an entire planet she could live on. Oh no, she's close-by, always. Sandssake, Luke...
Luke: Ah, Ivana Chalifoux... Where are you? But, if my Rocky Report is anything to go by, we'll all win the end... Well, we can always hope. I'm confident for once some luck may just be heading in my direction. I don't want to look too much into it and build my hopes up, and neither should you on seeing Caitlin as well. I'm going to be a very busy man before the new year, period.
Mark: Well we've only a week and a bit left. What about after that? Surely... SURELY... You have a teeny bit of time to aid your brother from no mother? That's me by the way. And hey, did I ever mention Jamie has some buddies in the feds? "Piffle" indeed, we can find anyone we want... So long as they're on this side of the ocean that is.
Luke: It's a big world, absolutely. Oceans? No big obstacle really... so long as you don't remind anyone of the bugger. Things might get a bit messy, then.
Mark: Where's Peter W. Walsh when you need 'im. Oh wait, nevermind. I have a boat! Haha! No water can swamp me!... Erm, well I hope not. 'Cause I kinda' can't really swim at all.
Luke: Well I hope that's satisfied you, my report. It was... A bit crap, wasn't it? Yeah, journalism was never my forté but at least Marvega has helped me progress in the world today, indeed on this show and indeed in that dusty old bar in Hendersfield.
Mark: Well you survived. I bet that surpasses your expectation. And you haven't spat and shat all over my territory! That surpasses my expectation too!
Luke: Absolutely. Thing is though it's so hot here my mouth is dry and I had a crap on the plane so neither of those things were ever going to happen anyway!
Mark: It isn't that hot! Not here, with the winter rolling in. Though apparently Hendersfield was at about 33 today... It's been hotter than that many-a-time.
Luke: 33, too hot for an Enfield. I'm going to return to Denland where it's all nice and miserable with the cool sea breeze destroying any chance we have of warm weather anyway. Quite frankly, I'm missing the place already. Ah, Denland. Bless it. Goodbye Marvega, hello home!
Mark: Oh, he’s getting up.
Luke: I’m coming home, Denland!
(Door opens and closes)
Mark: And he’s gone…
Miley: (From out in the corridor) Eh, Enfield! Where you think you’re going!? You ain’t just strollin’ outta’ this here building without so much as a boot up the ass!
Mark: Sands speed Enfield, sands speed. I’d like to just take a moment of silence for him…
Sally: …
Mark: Ok good I needed that.
Sally: Is that it? Two seconds?
Mark: Yup! Now c’mon sweet pea, let’s go.
Sally: Where are you-…
Mark: Well with Milo roaming the halls after Luke, I figured we could get out this way.
Sally: The window? But we’re on the second floor!
Mark: So? It isn’t THAT big a drop…
Sally: …
Mark: C’mon, help me with this ladder.
Sally: And um… What do you plan to do with that once we get out and down it?
Mark: Push it back up through the window into the room for next week.
Sally: Terrific! And for closing the window?
(Silence)
Lizzie: I’m still here, I’ll shut it.
Mark: I don’t want you in Milo’s crosshairs.
Lizzie: Please. I can get past unnoticed. Besides, that nutcase doesn’t scare me.
Mark: Brave Lizzie, very brave.