Afternoon 003 - Alannis, Miffed Marky and The Cookie Collection (Part 2)

Sally: And we’re back!
Paddy: Whey-hey-hey!
Mark: Hey…
Sally: Chin up, Sparky. It’s interview time!



Mark: I don’t feel like interviewing.
Sally: Don’t be like that Mark. It’s Steve! We need to interview Steve. I mean… You know… We kinda’ have to do it NOW.
Mark: Yeah thanks, make me feel better by reminding me of that.
Sally: I’m sorry, I just…
(Something crumpling loudly)
Paddy: Here, I bought ya’ these. Shove your mug into them.
Mark: Graceland Cookies? I haven’t seen these in forever. Chrissie only ever knew where to buy ‘em, I had to struggle with the bloody Mar-Shoppe ones, and they’re just cheap stuff.
Paddy: That’ll explain your recent love for jam tarts then.
Mark: Indeed!
Paddy: Will you just eat the damn cookies and cheer the fuck up? We got a show to run here!
Mark: HEY! Don’t you fucking tell me to cheer up, I’ll cheer up when I damn feel like it.
Paddy: Fine, stay as a miserable old twat.
Mark: Miserable? Old!? TWAT!? Hell no sunshine, that ain’t me!
Paddy: (Whispers) Yes, it worked…
Mark: Ok fellas, I’m back. And we’re joined now by our very own sports reporter and Marvegan icon!… And Denevian icon… and Barmeran icon… and Sarbodian icon.
Paddy: Sarbodian, really?
Mark: So I’ve been informed. Anyway, Stephen Garland, ladies and gentleman!
(Multiple people clapping within the studio)
Steve: Thanks guys, thanks very much.
Mark: Nice week away, was it?
Steve: It was.
Mark: Nice time with your… Kazi?
Sally: When did me and Steve go out?
(Silence)
Sally: … Oh! You mean-… Ok, sorry, I know now. Say it again.
Mark: Nice time with your…
Sally: Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr’fwend?
Mark: Bravo.
Sally: Thanksies.
Steve: Yes actually, it was really good.
Paddy: Uh-huh? And tell me, what did you guys do?
Mark: I don’t think I want to know…
Steve: We didn’t do anything like that.
Paddy: That’s not what I’m asking, I’m asking what you DID do.
Steve: Nothing much.
Paddy: (Whispers) Why am I not surprised… ?
Steve: Sorry, what was that Paddy?
Paddy: Huh? Oh nothing, sorry, just noting something to myself.
Steve: … Well we went for a stroll, grabbed a bite to eat, saw a movie.
Paddy: What movie?
Steve: It was Olwyn Station.
Sally: YES! YES! YES!
Mark: Chill out, psycho.
Paddy: That film came out years ago. Not to mention that it SUCKED.
Sally: HEY!
Mark: It did suck.
Sally: No it did not! Shut it, both of you!
Steve: We went to see it at a Classics showing.
Sally: See? Proof! Proof it’s a classic!
Steve: It was an alright film. I wouldn’t say it was thrilling, but I enjoyed it.
Mark: But it’s… So grey.
Sally: “Grey”!?
Mark: It is! It’s very grey. And by that, I mean boring. It’s very dull, and monotonous, and not particularly pretty.
Sally: Oh, much like your face then!
Paddy: Woah! Snap, Sal.
Mark: Yeah Kaz, chill your little fucking self down there.
Paddy: Did Tina enjoy the film then, Steve?
Steve: She loved it. She suggested it herself even.
Paddy: Hm. Well that sounds about right.
Steve: How come?
Paddy: Well, I just felt like it was her kind of thing.
Steve: What’s that mean?
Paddy: Nothing, I just could picture her enjoying it, that’s all.
Mark: Is that all you guys did?
Steve: Eh, just about. We just spent time together really, it’d been a long time since we’d seen each other. You know how it is.
Mark: Yeah, of course. I go do a casting recruitment in Azaria, a woman there happens to admire you, you take a shine to her, you have a long distance relationship. Yep, of course I know how it is. Stuff like that there happens all the time!
Steve: I detect a mediocre level of sarcasm radiating from you, Mark.
Mark: And thou wouldst be correct Stevie-G.
Paddy: Ah not this crap again…
Mark: Well c’mon, it wasn’t exactly an everyday occurrence was it? You could’ve met some woman perhaps a bit more local you know. Even Barmera or even Alemloland would’ve been wiser.
Steve: Yeah, well Tina is just the kind of woman I want instead.
Mark: Shame, Miriam could’ve been good for you.
Steve: As she was for you?
Mark: Snap.
Steve: Sorry Mark, I don’t take peoples’ sloppies.
Mark: Was that a euphemism?
(Mark and Steve laugh)
Mark: What’s the matter with you miserable two?
Sally: Nothing! I just… (Giggles) I just realised something.
Mark: What?
Sally: Don’t take this the wrong way, but Steve, you have such pretty eyes!
Steve: Oh, well thanks Sal. Heh, that’s actually sweet of you. I’m quite flattered, be that as random as the comment was.
Mark: Steve, you know just as well as the rest of us just how lost Kazi gets in pondering. Kazi, snap out… I can’t click my fingers, can someone-
(Snap)
Mark: Thanks Paddy.
Sally: Eeep! Sorry, I phased out there… What was I saying?
Mark: How Steve has such pretty eyes.
Sally: Oh no, I said that aloud?… Whoops, sorry.

Mark: Aaanyway… Now we have that all out the way, we can start the REAL interview.
Steve: Wait, that wasn’t it?
Mark: Afraid not, Bucko!
Steve: Alright then… Where do we start?
Mark: Where DO we start… Paddy?
Paddy: Huh?
Mark: Paddy… What’s wrong?
Paddy: Nuthin’.
Mark: The moody pout of a Lystow chavvy teen isn’t convincing me so.
Paddy: Nothing! Ok!?
Mark: Fuckin’ hell, man. Alright then Steve, let’s start with the glory days of… Well, you.
Steve: The glory days?
Mark: How you started out acting.
Steve: Ah, well, when I was a young kid, I’d seen this casting event for an old kids programming network that used to have its own channel in the UMC-Kidz Only. I fancied acting, so I thought I’d try out. They were only casting for kids to play the extra roles in stuff, but I figured it’d be fun. I got to play the bully in an episode of Gustav A-Go-Go, when I was 13. Basically Gustav was an imaginary friend of this little kid who helped him out of various problems he had. In my episode, I bullied the kid a lot and stole his bag from school, after which Gustav trips me up and pins me down for the kid to get his bag back and stand up to me.
Mark: Noble debut.
Steve: It wasn’t much, but the producers of that had friends who were looking for bigger roles. I’d made the effort to try and talk to the producers off the screen that one day in the hope of being remembered, so I landed the role of Liam Brady in Black Lies. It was a more grownup show, about how lying can get you into grave situations. Like one of the characters having an affair, or another owing money. Of course, I didn’t have any centre role, I was the son of one of the mains. I still made plenty appearances on the show though since I was around 3 years, before that family moved away. But thanks to that, I scored a few roles in films during that time.
Mark: Not Olwyn Station.
Steve: No, not Olwyn Station.
Mark: Good, that’d have fucked over your career if you did.
Sally: Hey! Don’t be mean.
Steve: My first film appearance was quite a big role, one of the leads. It was a kids adventure film called The Caper Of Skull Rock, where I played Deites Of Archades. I was one of the most experienced adventurers among the kids, and the toughest in the gang. Of course, I end up aiding one of the bad kids and get strung up in a pirate ship net, and it all gets a bit messy from there. That was a hell of a role though. I’d played a couple small roles, an extra in Shattering The Broken, all I did was be a shoplifter who you barely even get a chance to see anyway. About twenty seconds of filming it took to do. I also played the neighbourhood brat-Jackie-in Mr Roberts Has To Go. But, a lot of people will know me for being Doghouse Sam in The Railroad Gang.
Mark: I’ll confess, I’ve never seen it…
Paddy: It’s kinda’ like Olwyn Station.
Mark: Oh fuck.
Paddy: Nah it isn’t really, I’m kidding.
Steve: It’s about a group of kids from a poor neighbourhood who roam the abandoned railroads and get into bother with the homeless rough children. My character gets his name because they joke that he lives in the doghouse at home as he’s a loose cannon and has a temper. Of course he nearly kills one of the homeless children in a fight which makes them wonder if they should stay clear of the railroads from now on. They meet one last time, when the tracks have been re-opened without their knowledge, and one of the other kids gets run over by the train and dies. And that’s when they split up and don’t go there ever again. It’s a meaningful classic Mark, I think you’d enjoy it. I suggest you see it. Didn’t Terri have it on video?
Mark: Maybe me and her can watch it when I next visit her. Me and Sabbie.
Steve: Since then I’ve of course been best known for the Evan & Ewan quadrilogy. I played Evan, of course. The two best friends who grow up together and go through teen hood in the first film, on a trip across Ryone. And then the second film being how they recover after a rough night and piece together all the stuff that happened, and uncovering the mysteries of what happened to them. Their third film is them growing up and going through university, and getting jobs and the humour of their struggle to join society. Then the fourth and final film was a farewell tribute to them where they have a short reunion and discuss their lives together and apart, and bid goodbye in the end. Rather tearful to be honest, since I did them films for 12 years. Kinda’ like when I played Jim in Out Of The Blue for 13 years.
Mark: Of course, the very gig that got my attention for Kings. Good ol’ down-on-his-luck drug dealer and con artist Jim Richardson. Bright, young and unfortunate lad who ends up crossing a known drug baron and gets hunted down. Ends up cutting a deal with the feds to screw him up on a deal I believe, and is free until several years later when, the baron escapes prison and orders some hitmen to whack you, successfully. Then the one who whacks you, stabs the baron in return, kills him and disappears.
Steve: Yep. Geez, did you see the mass response on the Arcanet across Alterra when that episode aired?
Mark: No, ‘cause the Arcanet in my region at the time had shut down and crashed because of overload. Precisely BECAUSE of that reason.
Steve: Oh. Sorry about that.
Mark: It’s ok.

Steve: Still, I got to do 3 episodes in The Soberly Way as a cameo of Jim, after about 5 years of being in the show. But when Jim died, that was him gone. He wasn’t the only cameo I got to do though, Dean Stern was another I got to be, in the film Path To Stardom. 10 years after I actually played Dean in The Stern Boys.
Mark: I love that film! Something of an inspiration behind Moonstone. The good old moonshine running band of brothers in the sticks who run their “granddaddy’s” farm. All the while, kicking some sweet dust while plowing around town recklessly in their lime green BNB Excalibur GTE.
Steve: Yep, that was a fun film to do. Definitely a memorable one.
Mark: The cars in it were immense though. The chase too between the Sterns and the Rykers-the rival farm’s kids-in their Lesia 222 GS-X. Only for it to get took out by a freighter train and smash into the sheriff’s department. And do I recall seeing a Heaveola Lazare? Of course it wasn’t the real one, but a replica made out of something or other.
Steve: Yep, in the car museum in the city that gets smashed up. It was built onto another Excalibur’s chassis I believe. Not too sure.
Paddy: Yeah, it looked a little… “Off.”
Steve: Well it wasn’t exactly a big budget movie, but it had big budget ideals. So sorry if it wasn’t completely perfect detail for the overly-critical of you.
Mark: Paddy, critical? Only about his hair.
Paddy: …
Mark: What’s wrong with you now, dogface?
Paddy: Maybe we should now get to the present day stuff.
Mark: Your joining of Moonstone!
(Silence)
Steve: … Yeah.
Paddy: Yeah…
Mark: You joined us at the end of 2011 I remember, because little do people know, we hadn’t originally planned Max’s dad to even still be alive in Kings, let alone young. We kinda’ changed it around after some drafting. Albert Cooper who was an old mechanic that died of a heart attack shortly after Max dropped out of Uni, became the kick-ass Daryl Cooper that everyone knows today. So you weren’t with us from the beginning, and you weren’t around when I even moved to The Wasteland, before Moonstone existed. But you’re still one of the first, as a lot of people joined up in 2012.
Steve: Yep, I remember.
Paddy: You do?
(Long awkward silence for some reason)
Mark: (Sighs)… Of course you and me did Evil Born Evil series 3 last year, which me and the guys talked about earlier. Steve of course playing Rod Barker’s brother Wayne. While I’m Felix Tanner. And we’re doing series 4 in 2014 as well.
Steve: Looking forward to it.
Mark: As am I! I really enjoyed it last time ‘round too.
(Silence)
Paddy: Are we done?
Mark: What IS IT with you, Paddy? Peter W. Fucking Walsh on a boat here. More like a damn speedboat with you.
Paddy: I’m just wary of the time we have to do what we had planned.
Mark: We have plenty time! We’ve got-
Steve: Actually guys, I better go, and… You know.
Mark: Oh, right.
(Steve gets up and leaves)
Mark: … Bye then.
Paddy: Yeah, bye…
Sally: Ok, ok!
Paddy: Gah!
Mark: Fu-…
Sally: Sowwy. Did I scare you guys?
Mark: Only ‘cause you said fuck all for ages and all of a sudden shriek like that. Don’t ever do that!
Sally: …
Mark: What do you want?
Sally: A lot of things. A hug.
Mark: No.
Sally: To start the review.
Mark: Ok then, go on.

Review Time!

Mark: So today, everyone, Kazi’s done a review all by herself.
Sally: Indeed I have!
Paddy: Such independence, Sal. Such strength.
Sally: Thanks.
Mark: And what would thou be reviewing?
Sally: … You can see this coming, can’t you?
Mark: What?
Sally: …
Mark: What!?
Sally: I am reviewing… Olwyn Station.
Mark: Fuck.
Paddy: Oh for crying out looooooouuud.
Sally: Hey! It’s the most underrated film of all time, and it’s my duty as a human being to promote it after these years.
Paddy: It’s the SHITTEST film of all time.
Mark: And yeah, who said you were a human being? Stop pretending to be something you aren’t, you strange alien… android… cyborg… astro-space-age motherfucker!
Sally: Can I please do this alone? WITHOUT input from EITHER of you?
Mark and Paddy: …
Sally: Thank you. So, Olwyn Station is a Cult Psychological Paranormal Thriller.
(Mark scoffs)
Sally: … It was released in 2007, by writer producer director Simon Fleming. Starred Norman Knightley, Rachel Jameson, Richie Lomax, Julian Dunbar, Harold Webster and Felicity Harkens. And also featured some special appearances from Timothy Scott and Chris Reid. The film is largely set in Olwyn Station. A large subway in an undisclosed country. Probably Marvega-even though it was by a Denevian company, the cast were all Marvegan so, y’know. The film begins with a lone train going through the subway, only for something unseen to derail it in an old maintenance tunnel that they were using for a shortcut as it was the night hours. They then send our main characters-an elite investigation squad-to find the train and find out what happened. I don’t really want to ruin the plot for you guys, in case you want to go see it.
Paddy: Which they won’t ‘cause the plot is a load of-
Sally: AHEM! Interruptions, none, please, thanks. Uh, basically there’s these creatures… And, um, this group of people who live in the tunnels who created them from their imagination. And… Well, that’s pretty much as much plot as I can give without too many spoilers. The main cast of the film aren’t really known for any other films, sadly, and the film itself was a very disappointing flop in the box office. I still believe though that people will see it shine one day. One day…
Mark: Do you really?
Sally: Yes I do. It’s my favourite film of all time, and I’m going to give it 16 out of 16 Moon Stones. Because, it’s very tense, and dramatic. There’s enough gore there but not too much. There’s nothing extremely disturbing about it, which is good because I’m usually easily disturbed by some things in horror-ish films. Like that one we watched the other weekend Mark-Wrong Way: The Bloodied Beginning.
Mark: You mean at the start when the sanatorium patients break out and fry that woman’s brain?
Sally: Ew, no, but thanks for reminding me of that too. I was thinking of the doctor in the barbed wire trap, or even when they skin that other guy alive and then gut him, and eat him in front of his own eyes.
Mark: Remind me again why we even watched it?
Sally: I’m not sure. Didn’t Lindsay say we had to ‘cause it was one of her favourite films ever?
Mark: So you and Lynn are just as fucked in the head as each other. You like sodding boring as shit films and she likes sick and trippy films where people get beheaded by barbed wire on snowmobiles, eaten off of a stove, brains fried ‘til they piss themselves, and the fact that the mutant patients are supposed to be inbred, cannibal rednecks…
(Silence)
Mark: I’m gonna’ consult Lynn in some sort of mental state review to make sure she’s still fit for service with us. ‘Cause fuck, I always thought she was the most down to Alterra of our zany Desert Cat gals. Apparently not.
Sally: Nope.
Mark: Anything else you want to add to Olwyn Station?
Sally: Erm… I will seriously love anyone forever who watches it and writes in or emails me with feedback of what they think. As long as they share my love for it.
Mark: Are you offering up your arcamail address for this cause?
Sally: Uh, no.
Mark: It’s KaziQ_1995@arcamail.ma.
Sally: Mark!
Mark: Too late now, you’re in the same boat as myself and Paddy. Enjoy the cruise.
Sally: (Sighs) Peter W. Walsh…



Paddy: It’s time.
Mark: It can’t be. It isn’t 2:30 yet.
Paddy: I mean time for that funky music.
Mark: Oh right.
Paddy: On the forum, you’ll notice me, Mark and Sal all posing like some bad 80s band that won’t go away. Y’see, ladies and gentleman, you may remember a while ago we recorded a parody song titled The Mikey Dance. Which, to our surprise, actually got into the UMC Top 20 Charts. Not only that, but it was in the charts for 8 whole weeks, and we peaked at #5!
Mark: This was an amazing achievement, especially since we only did the thing as a joke.
Paddy: Yep. And for those out there who haven’t heard the song…
Mark: Sands forbid.
Paddy: We’ll play it for you… Now.

Mark: They can dance if they want to, they can leave us all behind.
Mark and Paddy: ‘Cause we just don't dance, and since we don't dance, we have-
Paddy: -much saner minds.
Mark: We could dance if we wanted, we're all hip and really cool.
Mark and Paddy: But if we dance like them, we'd look just like them, and I-
Paddy: -don't wanna' look a fool. But we could dance.

Jessie: And SING!

Mark: They can go where they want to, there's nobody that they answer to.
Paddy and Neil:   But Nicky's and Jessie's games end very messy.
Jamie: It's no wonder that they've got curfew.
Paddy: They can act like they want to, nobody takes them seriously.
Paddy and Jamie: Though they make your ears sore, you keep asking for more.
Howie: It's why they're favourites in KOTD.

Mark: And so they dance, and so they dance.
Neil: That terrible psychotic trance.
Mark: And so they dance, and so they dance.
Neil: All they do is cheer and prance.
Mark and Paddy: And so they dance, and so they dance.
Neil: Role-playing with a cape and a lance.
Mark and Paddy: And so they dance, and so they dance.
Neil: But they don't understand romance.

Mark: So they do the dance. Yes the Mikey dance. They do the Mikey dance.

Mark: They can dance if they want to, it isn't like we find them plain.
Paddy and Neil: If you do, then you're wrong, when you hear that dreaded song.
Paddy: When Nicky sings The Insane Train.
Mark: At least Jessie's not a whore, and she's definitely not a bore.
Paddy and Neil: She's actually really smart, not like that Nicky tart.
Neil: Who thinks a Hunka's a Yomoshoto.

Mark: So they can dance, that Mikey dance. Everything will get out of hand.
Paddy: But they still dance, that Mikey dance. As they tear apart The Wasteland.
Mark: That's why they dance, that Mikey dance.
Paddy: They need restraining in a large metal vat.
Mark: But they'd still dance, that Mikey dance.
Paddy: Jessie's meant to be a Desert Cat!

Paddy: Yet she does the dance. Yes the Mikey dance. They both do that dance. The blasted Mikey dance.
Mark: She makes us do the dance.
Mark and Paddy: So we all do the dance. We do the Mikey dance. That's right we took the chance, to do the Mikey dance.
Mark: The Mikey dance...
Paddy: The Mikey dance...
Mark and Paddy: The Mikey dance!

(Dun-dun-dun!)

Nicky: Yaaaaaaaay! The In-saaane Tra-aaaiiin!

Paddy: And that, a few months ago now, re-entered the charts. It was only in for another 2 weeks, and made it just to #8. But, we felt that this was worth celebrating… By trying again! This time though, we actually are gonna’ try.
Mark: Which probably means we won’t succeed this time. Maybe we’ll release Kazi’s little rap from last Afternoon instead and we may fare better. Anyway, as a double-whammy, me and Paddy have done two separate songs.
Paddy: Yes, we have.
Mark: Paddy knows of my song, as he does help out with a couple of the lines. However, I don’t know of Paddy’s.
Paddy: (Laughs) No, you don’t.
Mark: And what’s funny?
Paddy: Nothing at all! Actually, crap, I have to be sure you’re alright with it.
Mark: What’s that meant to mean?
Paddy: Oh nevermind, nevermind… It can wait, honest. So why don’t you start with your song first?
Mark: Ok. I am just playing it, right? The recording, not singing live?
Paddy: Of course.
Mark: Good, thank fuck for that.
Paddy: Use a lot of auto-tuning, did you?
Mark: No, none at all! I just feel ashamed enough leaking this to radio via recording, I don’t think I could handle the sheer shame of singing it live…
Paddy: Fair enough then. Introduce your song.
Mark: Ok, well it’s called Driving In The Wasteland. Or Drivin’ In The Wasteland if you do it with the accent. Lizzie did the piano for me, as well as the soft backing vocals. As did Jenny, bless her. Thank you to you both. Of course, you Paddy, do a couple lines.
Paddy: I do them lines with so much pride.
Mark: If you say so. Anyway, the message of the song is… Well, it was about when my life hit a new low. I’ll set the scene…
Paddy: Lizzie, get the violin.
Mark: Please don’t. So it’s meant to be about when me and Terri broke up last, because of her difficulty to adjust to life over here, and my difficulty to leave life here. So I’m all alone, in my caravan.
Paddy: Like white trash.
Mark: And then Neil buys me the awesome New Year’s present of 2013, when he bought me Bobbie the Yomoshoto Escapade, which I love. The song’s basically about my life at that point. Except dramatised a bit. You’ll see what I mean.
Paddy: And play.

Mark: Put on my fave green coat, and I, boarded the car.
Rolled on to the streets of The Emerald, underneath all the midnight stars.
All of my good friends, prob’ly look down on me.
Yeah, I got a new SUV, and I’m as trailer trash as a guy can be.

Mark: Then I’m drivin’ in The Wasteland.
Drivin’ with my best friend so close to me.
Drivin’ in The Wasteland.
And we’re both as happy as can be.

Mark: Saw the ghost of Chrissie, stroll into The Wildboar.
Followed her up to the far right bar stand. Just a vision but I longed for more.
Now Karl he did not see her, he just hovered ‘round the place.
But there’s a pretty little Muffin, waitin’ for some lovin’.
Mark and Paddy: Damned if I see her face!

Mark: When I’m drivin’ in The Wasteland.
Drivin’ with a hot blonde right next to me.
Drivin’ in The Wasteland.
Who tells me to get over Chrissie.

Mark: We’ve got burgers on the table… Got Kalevic in the air…
I’ll be at home, be glad to see you, hope with my heart you’ll make it there…
Hope you’ll make it there to The Wasteland.

Mark: Lizzie plays piano, just for me when we’re both alone.
So I drove on down to see her, and she asked how things were back home.

Mark and Paddy: “Could use a little lovin’.”
Mark: “But I’ll save it for when it’s right.”
She asked me when I thought that was gonna’ be. I said-
Mark and Paddy: “Baby, you an’ me tonight.”

Mark: Drivin’ in The Wasteland.
Lizzie and Jenny: Driving in The Wasteland.
Mark: Drivin’ with my lover so close to me. You think that it’s Lizzie?
Lizzie and Jenny: Driving in The Wasteland.
Mark: No one here but me and my SUV.
Mark and Paddy: Drivin’ in The Wasteland.
Lizzie and Jenny: Driving in The Wasteland.
Mark: Yeah I’m drivin’ without a sweetheart in my arms tonight.
Drivin’ in The Wasteland.
Lizzie and Jenny: Driving in The Wasteland.
Mark: I need her on my lap to make it right.

Mark: Took off my fave green coat, as I, got in back home.
         No Liz, no Jenn, and no Tes or Chris. I’m just sat here now all alone.
No Liz, no Jenn, and no Tes or Chris… I’m just sat here now all a-… -lone.

Paddy: It’s such a depressing song.
Mark: It’s supposed to be emotional! Don’t you get that I’m sad and lonely!?
Paddy: Sad, yes. Very, very sad.
Mark: The idea was to illustrate what it was like at that time.
Paddy: So you’re looking for sympathy?
Mark: No! Just understanding!
Paddy: So, we’re to understand that, you thought we all looked down on you, you stalked Chrissie except that you didn’t stalk HER but what turned out to be a delusion of her, you picked up blonde prostitutes on the road side, you kept burgers on the table constantly and listened to Kalevic, then you’d visit Lizzie and get her to play piano for you while you flirted and basically tried to get it on with her, but then at the end it’s just you and Bobbie the Escapade all alone so you sit in the caravan like a pathetic lonely loser forever?
Mark: … Yes… You understand the message.
Paddy: Brilliant! So that song’s up for download on the SmartStore website as of this afternoon. If you like, download, get us up them charts yet again. Same for the following song, guys. My own one. Which we’re about to play. First though, an introduction to it. Erm… Actually, the song explains the story well enough on its own. Only thing I’ll say is, the song takes place roughly in August 2012. Does that date mean anything to anyone here?
Sally: Uh… No.
Mark: No, but I’m sure it’s to do with me, right?
Paddy: Correct. Now I wrote this a long time ago, but it’s just coincidence that it ties in to something we’ve discussed here today.
Mark: Fuck. I have a feeling I know…
Paddy: Well, the song’s called Miffed Marky.
Mark: … Riiight.
Paddy: But no matter what Mark, remember that you are, and always will be, my best friend. And that every one of us here in Moonstone love ya’. Never forget you are the very individual who brought us all together as a family.
Mark: Thanks Paddy, that’s… Actually very strangely sweet of you.
Paddy: Good! And now the song.

Paddy: You’d been goin’ out with a girl.
Her name was Chrissie.
But just last week, you said to her,
There’s another girl you much prefer.

Paddy: You said, “Listen Muffin, I love you,
But my heart has another plan.
I’m so in love with another girl,
So pack your bags, get out my caravan.”

Jenny: “Who’s this girl!?”
Paddy: She asked you.
Neil: “Why, Terri of course.”
Paddy: You said.
Jenny: “No! Why HER!?”
Paddy: She yelled, dismayed. You said,
Neil: “I need a new girl in bed.”

Neil: “I get bored pretty quick, y’know.”

Paddy: She got so upset that she cried,
All the way to her mom ‘n’ dad.
But a month later, she was on the beach.
And had fallen for another lad.

Jenny: “Who’s laughing now?”
Paddy: She said.

Paddy: Oh, you were cruel ‘n’ heartless,
To dump her for Terri.
Just ‘cause you think she’s cuter than Chrissie.
Just ‘cause she’s sweet ‘n’ lovely.

Paddy: But she knows you’re a tosser.
Paddy, Jenny and Neil: Marky is a tosser!
Paddy: Marky is a tosser.
Paddy, Jenny and Neil: MARKY IS A TOSS-
   /-ER!
Paddy:     /-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.

Steve: “Who’s Mark and Terri?”

Paddy: “Oh, he’s a twat, and she’s a geek.
She’s a nerd, he’s got a cheek.
He is a prick, she is a bore.
She is a dork, he is a whore.”

Paddy: Yeah, it’s not fair. Just not fair…

Paddy: Chrissie found a much better guy.
His name was Lalo.
But first, she thought he was really sweet.
And it turned out he was shallow.

Paddy: He said,
Neil: “Listen Chrissie, you’re a great girl,
But you and I lead separate lives.
I can’t leave and you can’t stay,
So run back to Mark, and his two wives.”

Jenny: “No, I wouldn’t dare!”
Paddy: She cried.
Neil: “So what next?”
Paddy: He asked her.
Jenny: “I’m not sure yet, maybe run over
Marky with my Dover.”

Jenny: “Actually, there’s just no point. ‘Cause I don’t care…”

Jenny: “I DON’T CARE! I don’t care!”
Paddy: “‘Cause he’s a twat, and she’s a geek.
She’s a nerd, he’s got a cheek.
He is a prick, she is a bore.
She is a dork, he is a whore.
She’s a swot, he thinks he’s cool.
She’s just a child, he’s just a tool.”

Jenny: “What? Well, she IS only twelve!”

(Silence)
Mark: … I hate you all.
(Several laughs in the studio)
Paddy: Sorry Mark. At the time, it was all a high-humour topic, even for you. Since it was a recent event at the time and you weren’t so affected by it.
Mark: It’s ok, I understand. I’ll be having words with Steve and Jenny though about their involvement with your song.
Paddy: What about Neil?
Mark: Neil, I expect that from. I expected better from Steve, and JENNY!? Since when did she EVER go against me or behind my back!?
Paddy: Since just that one time.
Mark: Bitch.
Paddy: Haha! Yeah you tell her that.
Mark: Aw, I couldn’t. I love Jenny too much. And she always gets the upper-hand on me somehow. Quick-witted girl she is. Plans for every consequence so plans of revenge are insanely hard to succeed in.
Paddy: While we were listening to that by the way, I found something very interesting out. Regarding Chrissie.
Mark: Woah! Really!?
Paddy: Yep. But, to keep suspense. Let’s do the fanmail first and then we’ll discuss it.



Sally: I should explain to everyone, this is the last show of the year, and we’re going to be taking some time off while we do other pressing work for TV. But we will return to do this thing some time in 2014 because all you really nice people have really taken kindly to us being here. Also, this Afternoon we don’t have an STD… Erm, I mean a Spinner Topic Discussion. And we also don’t have any troubling noodles. Sorry guys. We haven’t had time for The Spinner today and we’ve not had any noodles submitted in. I guess it’s dying down for the end of the year.
Paddy: Meanwhile, fanmail.
Sally: And we only have one letter.
Paddy: … Oh.
Sally: It’s from Billie in Kenton Town. That’s in Freedom County I believe.
Paddy: “Billie” huh?
Mark: Big dogs ain’t got ya’ yet I see.
Sally: She says,
“Hello Moonstone, I have a small question. On your first show, when discussing Paddy’s naming traditions in his family, Mark asked what if Paddy had a girl, and Paddy said his daughter would be called Rosemary Heidi Joanne Swanson the First. You said the second middle name is that of the mother, implying to be Paddy’s then-wife. What I want to know is, who is Joanne? Why did Paddy say Joanne? Is he dating a girl called Joanne?”
Mark: That’s very insightful of her.
Paddy: Yeah.
Sally: So Paddy, who’s Joanne?
Mark: Yeah, who’s Joanne?… Is she cute?
Paddy: There’s no Joanne. It was just a random name that came into my head.
Mark: … Oh.
Paddy: Well actually it was the name of this very fit gym teacher I had in school who me and some of the guys had the hots for. That’s probably where the name came from.
Mark: Nice!
Sally: Urgh, crushes on your teachers? Really?
Mark: Hey, we had a few hotties in my school and college too.
Sally: I’m sure Terri and Chrissie took kindly to that.
Mark: Yeah, ‘cause I never told ‘em. I think the hottest teacher we had was my geography teacher. Karen, they called her. Mmm…
Sally: These teachers were like in their 30s, right?
Mark: Oh yeah.
Paddy: Joanne was about 33 I think when I started high school.
Mark: And Karen was probably the same age really.
Sally: So you guys were crushing on a couple of 30-somethings when you were what, 11? 12?
Mark: … Boys will be boys.
Sally: Yuck.
Paddy: Oh no, there’s nothing “yuck” about it.
Sally: Where’s a hoodie to throw up on when you need it?

Mark: Can we move on? I wanna’ hear this Chrissie news you have Paddy.
Paddy: Oh right, of course! Well, you know how you had Hart & Chalmers?
Mark: Yep.
Paddy: For any listeners who weren’t Stoners back at that time, it was Chrissie’s and Lizzie’s music duo that they had almost recorded a whole album for… Then Chrissie took her extended holiday that she’s STILL on and they eventually broke up.
Mark: And I still have the unreleased album right here, yes.
Paddy: Lizzie changed her name to her character name for the sake of it. Since Chrissie went by the stage name Amy Hamilton for Kings. Anyway, while that ended, everyone now knows Lizzie’s followed a solo pianist and violinist career, as well as the Lizzie Chalmers Orchestra which is comprised of her, and Area 16-the garage band of Kelderhope, and even sometimes Terri when we need a little acoustic guitar in there.
Mark: Terri was such a country girl sometimes, with that special blues guitar of hers and the cowgirl hat I make her put on when she plays. Beautiful.
Paddy: Yeah. Anyway, guess what Chrissie’s been up to whilst she’s been away.
Mark: She told me. Reading, playing volleyball, and sleeping.
Paddy: Ah, that’s not all though.
Mark: What?
Paddy: She followed her music career through after all.
Mark: Say WHAT now!?
Paddy: Oh yeah. Check out this link I’m sendin’ to ya’ now…
Mark: “Holly Hart & The Cookie Collection”?
Paddy: Seems she used her middle name as yet another stage name.
Mark: And one of my nicknames for her too… “Cookie.”
Paddy: Aww, you must’ve been on her mind when she made it.
Mark: You think she still thinks of me?
Paddy: Oh-ho, yes, I KNOW she is…
Mark: You think she’d… She’d come back here? Maybe me and her could try again?
Sally: Awww and with New Year’s coming up? How cliché, yet terribly romantic!
Paddy: Is that really what you want Mark? You were telling me the other day that you were after something else…
Mark: I just want Chrissie back. When I say try again, I mean be friends and be in each other’s lives again… I just want her back here damn it! With us all, the family.
Paddy: Well she clearly thinks of YOU quite a lot.
Mark: She does?
Paddy: Yeah, but not for the better…
Mark: What do you mean?
Paddy: Well let’s start with her “image.” What were Hart & Chalmers like?
Mark: A very elegant and beautiful female duo, in their silk dresses, piano melodies, soft vocals and cosy lighting as backdrops for photo-shoots.
Paddy: Yep, sounds good. And music genre?
Mark: Bit of jazz, bit of pop, there was a tiny bit of electronic for a couple songs. But mostly lounge stuff and emphasis on piano.
Paddy: Yep, well if you click on the “About” tab, and look at that photo. I’ll have it uploaded onto the forum’s podcast version of this right here:



Paddy: Does that look like an elegant, silk-dressed lounge duo to you?
Mark: … Well, not really…
Paddy: Uh-huh.
Sally: I watched Kings, and I don’t remember Chrissie looking so… Punk.
Mark: Me neither. Has it really been that long since I’ve seen her, or has she done something with her hair?
Paddy: And her eyeliner, and her lipstick, and her dress sense, and… Well, is this actually the same Chrissie at all?
Mark: No, it’s Holly Hart.
Paddy: Chrissie’s evil punk/emo twin then.
Sally: Long live us emos.
Paddy: Oh my word!
Mark: What?
Paddy: Looking at the “Discography” tab… Some of these song titles are familiar to me. Heart Alarm?
Mark: Oh yeah. Hart & Chalmers song. Was quite a soft and sweet, romantic song.
Paddy: Really?… Oh wow, the lyrics are here too!… Oh hell.
Mark: What now?
Paddy: Don’t suppose you know the lyrics to it do you?
Mark: Of course. I listen to the album a lot, to hear Chrissie’s voice. And Lizzie’s piano-playing.
Paddy: Sing for me.
Mark: What did I just say about me singing live on radio!?
Paddy: Just sing!
Mark: Uh…
Paddy: Opening verse. First couple lines.
Mark: “Woke up in the morning, wrapped up in my bed. All I kept on thinking, was the words that my boy said.”
Paddy: Huh… And that’s translated to: “Woke up with a headache, hungover in my bed. The prick that caused my heartbreak, I’ll kick in his fucking head”?
Mark: WHAT!?
Paddy: I’d imagine also this is kinda’ trash metal and fast and loud, not slow and melodic.
Mark: What makes you say that?
Paddy: “Holly Hart is a popular Denevian trash metal artist.”
Mark: Since WHEN!?
Sally: I’ll check Alterpedia.
Paddy: Go ahead. I want to look through these songs… Ok Mark, the chorus to Hole In My Soul?
Mark: Um… “Every day I grow so bored, of missing the one that I adored. He left me alone as I started to fall. How do I fix this hole in my soul?”
Paddy: And that is now “Every time he pissed me off, he’d look so cocky and I’d just scoff. He doesn’t seem to understand, he’s gonna’ get fucked by me and my band.”
Mark: Oh dear sands…
Paddy: Did she ever write her original songs about you?
Mark: Erm, I believe a couple were inspired by me, or by us. Why?
Paddy: You don’t think since the breakup, she’s changed the songs to reflect a change of opinion?
Mark: No, no, no! Why would you say that? We still talk… Not as much lately, but if she really had a grudge and hated me, why would she bother acknowledging my existence anymore? Why would she even bother coming back like she said!?
Paddy: But she HASN’T come back, has she?
Mark: But she WILL.
Sally: Guys, got something.
Paddy: What is it?
Sally: “Holly Hart & The Cookie Collection is a trash metal and punk rock band formed in the new year of 2013 by Denevian singer Christine Holly Hart as the lead vocals, Marvegan guitarists Brian Granger and Noel Jameson, Sarbodian pianist Bert Thornaby and Denevians Delilah Adams and Gary Truman as backing vocals. They are known for a successful string of hits across Ryone, despite lack of success in homeland Denland. Their hits include the debut single Break The Line, and following chart hits Turn You Out, Chain Killer, Broken Streets and Promise Of Pain.”
Paddy: Wow… Well I don’t care how many Mikey Dances and Miffed Markys we have to do, I doubt we’ll get as many chart hits as them.
Mark: How the hell have they even…
Sally: Gets better. “They’ve announced that on January 8th 2014, to celebrate their first year of being together, they’re doing an Alterra-wide tour, consisting of at least 20 different concerts worldwide in the biggest cities, including Favrette, Corsair, Wolfsburgh, East Freiwelt, Vylgrand, Vestorgrad, Hyunong, Chaishan, Oykos, Lystow…”
Paddy: Lystow?
Mark: I thought it was just Ryone bar Denland they were famous in, sounds like they’re touring EVERYWHERE.
Sally: “… Bihaal, Valdecosta, Thompsonville…”
Lizzie: Thompsonville? Oh! I could see her play!
Sally: “… Denraan, Lloyds City, Dunderdale, Fortin, Archades and Rivet City.”
(Silence)
Mark and Paddy: Rivet City?
Sally: Apparently, though their songs have hit charts in Ryone, they’ve developed a “modern cult following in short time across the rest of Alterra, including Marvega, Barmera, Hwaria, UFSR and especially in Sarean.”
Mark: I’ll be damned.
Sally: “They are signed on to Neckbreak Records, a Denevian-founded record label that is established in St Sanen.” … A bit random… “The label is known for also signing on artists like the equal rights rap group Ryonite Moors and explicit house band Just In Case.”
Paddy: St Sanen isn’t a big place, we could maybe track them down.
Sally: … Oh no…
Mark: What?
Sally: You aren’t going to like this, Mark.
Mark: I’m already not liking it. What?
Sally: “Holly Hart is currently managed by Marvegan Wallace Hutchinson…”
Mark: WHAT THE FUCK!?
Paddy: (Laughs) Sorry Sally, I think me and Mark thought you just said-
Mark: WALLACE FUCKING HUTCHINSON!?
Sally: … Yep!
Mark: What does that pathetic toe-rag know about managing a band!?
Paddy: In his defence, you were manager for Hart & Chalmers.
Mark: But he’s a fucking FARMER!
Paddy: Sal, has he got an Alterpedia page?
Sally: I’ll check…

Mark: That fucking prick! I can’t believe it… We form Moonstone, two months later he nearly throws a punch at Nicky and we kick him out of the family. He then tries to sue us for not giving him ANY credit for Kings since he claimed being in one promo poster was enough, so we shut him down and won our case… now THIS!? That fucking fat lazy miserable prissy unappreciative twat-faced ponsy-prick tosspot wanking BASTARD ARSEHOLE!
Paddy: … Ok, steady on.
Mark: I’m not standing for this! He isn’t stealing Chrissie from us!
Paddy: Looks like he has. Although Chrissie hasn’t said anything about it.
Sally: “Wallace George Hutchinson is a Marvegan radio producer, manager and soundtrack composer.”
Mark: What the hell? Since when has he been ANY of them things!?
Sally: Says here he used to be a farmer, who was briefly affiliated with Moonstone Productions before he was kicked out for “reasons unknown.” He fought a case to court and lost. He gained fame by composing a soundtrack for the low budget film Clifford Heights, the sequel to box office flop Clifford Hills. Despite the sequel being as poorly received as its predecessor, Hutchinson was recognised by a few well reputed producers and has since composed soundtracks for films such as Triple Clarification, Longston Beaches, and the most recent box office smash in Delegan-Rover Street Ramble. He is now the owner of a small independent local radio station in a border town in Madarecia, simply called WGH FM.
Paddy: Easy for you to say.
Sally: And is manager of the critically acclaimed trash metal band Holly Hart & The Cookie Collection, founded by a former Moonstone colleague, Christine Holly Hart.
Mark: I can’t believe I’m hearing any of this…
Paddy: If Chrissie still plans on coming back, how’s she meant to balance that with all of this that she’s made for herself?
Mark: I’m not sure. But I refuse to let Wallace take her away from me entirely. Despite everything that’s happened, and whatever WILL happen, Chrissie is a part of this family and that’s how it’s going to stay!
(Phone starts ringing, everything falls quiet)
Paddy: Who is it?
Mark: … Shit. It’s Chrissie.
Sally: Chrissie?
Paddy: I guess she DOES listen to us after all.
Mark: Hey Chrissie! It’s been a while… Uh-huh… Yeah, we were just on about that. Ah, I didn’t know you listened to us. (Laughs) I guess this should be awkward, huh?… Haha, no it’s fine hun, you know we all joke on a lot. So when are you coming back hun? We miss you loads, Cookie!…… Oh… Oh right… I mean, really? ‘Cause we could, like, well you don’t have to do that if you don’t… want… Serious?… I just wish you’d told me sooner. I was hoping, see, that you’d… Yeah, I know… I understand… So that’s it?… Well… Goodbye then… Chrissie…
(Phone hangs up)
Mark: …
Paddy: What is it? What she say?
Mark: …
Sally: Mark?
Mark: … Chrissie isn’t coming back.
Paddy: She what!?
Mark: You heard me… That fucking cocksucker has her now.
Sally: Oh, Mark…
Mark: He finally won after all…
(Mark gets up)
Paddy: Dude, where you-
Mark: -I’m leaving…
Sally: Wait Mark, c’mon, don’t go.
Mark: Fuck it. I’m not in the mood to anymore.
(Door opens slowly, long pause, then slams shut loudly)
Mark: (From the hallway) AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Paddy: … Well… I guess that’s that.
Sally: … (Sighs)
Alex: … Even I can’t bear to go d’awww really loud and ruin it. But we gotta’ end now.
Sally: Right, of course… Well everyone, this is us for the year now. We won’t be back for a while, but we WILL come back, and we’ll let you know beforehand when to expect us. Meanwhile, we have our Moonstone New Year’s party planned which we’ll show you once it’s happened. In the meantime, we hope you all have a lovely new year and… (Sighs) Well… Yeah.
Paddy: Reckon we should play something softer for an ending rather than our usual.
Sally: Yeah ok. Erm, I’ll put together some sort of respectful tribute to Chrissie on the forum’s podcast over the top of the song. What will we play?
Paddy: … You have any old Hart & Chalmers, Lizzie?
Lizzie: Yeah, somewhere.
Paddy: Play something fitting.
Lizzie: Sure thing.
Paddy: And so from me…
Sally: And me…
Alex: And me…
Lizzie: And me.
Paddy: It’s goodbye.
Sally: Goodbye.
Alex and Lizzie: Goodbye.

Since airing, it’s been made official that Stephen Garland is leaving Moonstone Productions as of the new year and is signing off onto Crimson Media, so the following tribute is dedicated to both Chrissie Hart and Steve Garland. The song is I Can Do It Too by former Hart & Chalmers, from their unreleased and unfinished debut album.



The Rocky Reports

Mark’s Mentionings: Vive Les Animaux

Mark wasn’t around for a Rocky Report, so it’s Paddy filling in for him. A number of Stoners on the forum had requested an animaux photo of Mark’s home zoo, so here it is.



We weren’t sure on which cat exactly people wanted to see pics of, so here we have both alongside The Wonderdog, Angelo. We were also considering a pic of Terri with all her teddy bear collection, but we couldn’t find Mark to ask for one as he’s the only person with it in a photo album. We gave it a little over a day before we tried talking to him. He’s calmed down now. Either that or he took Tic-Tocs before New Year’s to put him on a new high and happy mood. But even now, he seems better. No need to worry everyone. We’ve got a lot of guys here to help him feel better. We’re a large family.

Paddy’s Preachings: The Moonstone Hierarchy

Speaking of our large family, I thought we should explain how big our family is by showing you guys the full listing of us. This isn’t including the background film crew, just the guys we spend time with in our everyday lives. I did my personal best to put them in order in terms of how likely it is you guys actually know them. Also, there’s some guys’ names there who you won’t know, they’re people that have signed on but not made any appearances yet. I’ve put the following in a collapsible window because… Well… It’s of a very intimidating-looking length:

Founder, Producer, Writer and Chairman:
Mark Antony Davison - “Sparky”

Vice Chairman:
Nicolas Michael Stanton - “Nicky”

Business Development Manager:
Paddington Oswald Spencer Swanson II - “Paddy”

Technical Manager, Artwork & Creations Manager, Chief Administrator, Set Designer and Lead Composer:
Elizabeth Leigh Chalmers - “Lizzie” (Formerly Clarissa Jones)

Chief Executive Officer, Executive Producer and Shareholder:
Neil Alexander Litmann

Public Relations Officer, Human Resources Manager and Secretary:
Tiffany Alexandra Abernathy - “Tiff”

Lead Director and Shareholder:
Quincy David Shantotto

Executive Producer:
Howard Jonas Nickson - “Howie”

Executive Directors:
Robert Elijah Hunt - “Rob”
Jodie Kimberly Marshall

Director Of Photography and Lead Cameraman:
Harry William Townshend

Make-Up Artist:
Jennifer Taylor Bridget - “Jenny”

Other Composers (Area 16):
Austin Martin Rosewood - “Ozzie” - Lead Vocals
Michael Ross Oscar - “Mickey” - Backing/Supporting Vocals & Guitar
Kyle Declan Fletching - Guitar & Synthesizer
Tyler Lucas Hopper - Bass & Drums
Roxanne Carla Saede - “Roxy” - Vocals and Brass

Chief Mechanics Engineer & Props Manager:
Joseph Andrew Warrell - “Joe”

Other Wastelanders:
Jessica Eloise MacKinnon - “Jessie/Jess”
Maria Robyn Powers Jr. - “Mimi/Maz”
Floyd Kirk Aiken
April Jayne Shatner
Jamie Thomas Pritchard
Helen Leanne McDonald
Sabrina Kerry Logan - “Sabbie”
Alexander Joseph Mitchell - “Alex”
Julieanne Amanda Lennox - “Julie/Jules”
Arnold Bryan Jenkins - “Arnie”
Kennedy Harrison Lee - “Kenny”
Karl Trevor Greenman
Russell Pieter Curtis - “Russ”
James Kyle McDonnelly - “Jammy”
Gwenfair Olivia Davenport - "Gwen"
Kendra Amelia Harper
Bruno Wade Westinghouse
Dominica Emmanuelle Buckley - “Dom”
Lindsay Hannah Driver - “Lynn”

Other Rockies:
Sally Kazi Hudgson - “Sal”
Theresa Sheryl Cloverfield - “Terri”
Thomas Simon Roth - “Tom”
Jonathon Nathan Kelly - “Jonny”
Roberta Nikita Maltese - “Bobbie”
Gabriella Angelina Maltese - “Gabz”
Francesca Maria Monsigny - “Frankie”
Summer Kirstie West - “Suki”
Karen Abigail Doyle - “Carrie/Kay-Kay”
Elissa Phillipa Falk - “Ellie”
Holly Isabel Paulson - “Hol”
Danielle Louise Haim - “Danni”
Sean Lewis Kevins (Jokingly referred to as "Buddy" or "Bystander")
Francis Luke Tarren
Alyson Sakura Suzuki - “Ally”
Miriam Rose Hopswitch - “Miri”
Jack Richard Felham
Frank Harold Gould
Andrew Scott Ford - “Andy”
Bethany Lucy Garrison - “Beth”
Henry Dorian Marshall
Aaron Christopher Wakefield

Other Stonies:
Michelle Rachel Stanley - “Michie”
Stephanie Georgia Rogers - “Steph”
Gavin Lloyd Windsor - “Gav”
Patrick Steven Walters - “Pat”
Thomas Ethan Jayden - “Tommy”
Larson Sam Wilkes - “Lars”
Courtney Monica Geraldson
Tina Lucille Florica - "Tin-Tin/Teenu"
Kate Alexia Buckworth
Frederick Kevin Townsend - “Fred”
Gareth Liam Roland - “Gary”

Sally’s Statements: The Kings Of The Desert Awards and a Clarification

So we never got around to announcing the awards for Kings during the show, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to reveal them now, since no one’s bothering with a real Rocky Report this week.

Favourite Character: Eliza
Least Favourite Character: Tim
Sexiest Male: Daryl
Sexiest Female: Meg
Most Adorable Character: Tammy
Character We Want More Of: (Joint) Bystander & Wes
Character We Want Less: Ant
Favourite Episode: Ep15 - Let The Games Begin
Favourite Moment: Ep14 - House Burglary
Sigfrid The First or Siggy II: Sigfrid The First
Ant or Tim: Ant

Mark will be pleased with the final award at least. Can’t say that you guys didn’t make good choices, because you seem to have chosen just as I would have expected myself. So thank you very much to everyone who joined in on the polls! And now, I’ve been told it’s my prerogative to clarify all the beef regarding Wallace Hutchinson. Well let’s begin…



This is going way back, isn’t it? Here we have a promotional poster from the first season of Kings Of The Desert. You will recognise Helen and Neil as Billie and Tim on the far left together, of course Nicky as Mikey on the roof of the Sanders, Paddy as Max with his foot on the conveniently placed footstool, and Mark and Jenny loved up in arm-lock as Ant and Meg with Chrissie sulking in the far corner. But you won’t know the chap sitting down at Neil’s feet. Well you may have thought by the dungarees that it was Russell, who plays Ralph. But oh no, look-he isn’t a ginger ninja. This is Wallace Hutchinson, and the sole appearance he made during his time with The Moonstone Family. He was around from the beginning of Moonstone, in August 2011, but had lived in The Wasteland with us for almost a year before that. He was in fact going to be playing the character of Tommy, who at the time, was instead of Ralph. What happened? Well it was this very photo-shoot where things went sour, so I’m told. After Harry took the photo, Nicky lost his footing as you’d imagine, and fell off. Fell off towards the three guys in front of him. Neil got knocked out the way and pushed Helen away from harm, but Nicky landed entirely on Wallace. Wallace didn’t like Nicky already, see, so you can imagine he didn’t take kindly to this. But oh even worse, he just kicked off big time. Apparently he just exploded into rage, even tried to throw a punch at Nicky, at which point Neil and Mark stepped in. Harsh words were said, very harsh, and so Wallace had enough and left. And so Russell came along, and we rewrote the character to be Ginger Ninja Ralph. Now some people don’t like Ralph, but surely you all know that Russell is in fact a lovely man. Better than Wallace, definitely. Then whilst Kings was airing, Wallace tried to sue Moonstone, saying they hadn’t acknowledged his involvement and demanded compensation. That of course didn’t work out for him. It’s been over a year since we heard of him, little did we know that he’s taken Chrissie as one of his own. Mark refuses to let it go. Not sure on what he can do, but I wonder what he’s thinking…

Julie’s Jurisdiction: A Rocky Romance



Hello everybody,
So I was told I had to make an introduction to myself. And since I was also told I’m the only one doing a real Rocky Report this week, I figured I had to make it real. As in, really real. Like a really real good job. So, here I am, I’m Julie. Or Jules, as some people call me. Not sure if too many people will have placed me yet, but I was in Kings as Lucinda “Cindy” Madsen. I know, I didn’t have a big role, only a few lines. I was the waitress at The Wildboar. Fear not, I’m having a bigger role in season 2. But until then, I am here. So, I’m quite a sporty person, as you can see here. My boyfriend, James (Also known for playing Woody in Kings), isn’t the sporty type at all. But I still tell him to come jogging with me to work off that belly of his! We’ve been going out since mid-December in 2012, so we only just had our 1 year anniversary the other week. We didn’t tell the other guys until we’d been together a couple months. It’s a close family, but still, it felt too large a crowd to pass the news around straight away. So I’m sporty, in fact the sportiest person in all of Moonstone. That’s why, from this point, I’ve been trusted with the sports updates that Steve had before his sad departure. I know, it’s going to be a hard gap to fill-I know how popular he is. But I’ll do my best! Ok, so a good segment name for it, uh… Just Julie’s Sports? No, that sounds terrible… Erm, I don’t know. Do any of you guys have any good suggestions for a name? Help me please.

What else do I do aside from sport? I like cooking. Not as professional as Helen, but she’s actually teaching me, and she reckons one day I’ll be teaching HER. Ha, as if! I also enjoy dancing. And going sightseeing, like hikes and stuff. I know Terri does that sometimes too, we’ve sometimes discussed taking a trip somewhere together. Terri’s fancied the challenge of climbing Mount Marna, and me, well… I’m willing to give it a whirl!

Well that’s my short intro guys, hope I can at least do well enough with my position I’ve now been given. With any luck, it’s my big chance to be noticed within the family. Here’s hoping!